Bastard Moderator from Hell

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 1
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

8:00am

I sit at my work comp logging into Hype, and see the usual 5 PMs I got from the previous night...

I click on the PM list and see the ones I recieved:

Malice! I need you Help!
Malice! I need your Admin Assistance! Troll in Superman!
Please change my name
I found Porn! Ban this guy!
Quick Question


I look a the list and think....wholly crap! Porn! I immediately click on the 4th link and hope for some good porn! There is nothing like seeing good porn while at work and drinking a good coffee. (If you havent tried it, you must!)

I immediately click on the link and the pm text that is like 3 sentences long becomes a jumble until I see the glorious underlined symbol of the almighty, a hyperlink. A hyperlink to porn, God save the Queen.

I click the link, and get taken to an obscure corner of Hype.... Scouring the thread, I search with baited breath.... Then I find it...wait
DAMN! Mirko got to it first and edited out the picture! Damn Him! That is My job to collect all questionable material for a later date! Damn Him!

Closing that window I go back to the remaining four PMs, deleting 1 and 2 without reading them I got to he name change. Feeling nice and magnanimous, I open it up to see a guy with 3 posts wants a name change.

I proceed to IP ban him for stupidty for wanting a name change when he could simply reregister with a new name. Stupidity has no place being on my board.

To the last PM I go, I again feel nice and open the persons question PM. I open the PM to find a freaking copy of War and Peace. I quickly send him a link to the Comments and Support forum without ever reading the pm, then deleting it of course. I cant have it clogging up my PM capacity when someone might be about to PM me something juicy!

8:10am
I actually proceed to do my real job.

8:13am
I pull Mozilla back up and start looking thru Community. (I dont read anything else, because everyone else is a bunch of freaking Comic book geeks...Why would anyone get into a freaking Arguments about whether Spiderman had Organic Webshooters or the classic web-fluid ones. How lame)

I open Community to see the usual crap...

More to come...

[Corinthian™]

Damn... does Malice do that?:(

:(

:doom:

[Spoon]

I laughed. I cried. It was better than "Cats."

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 2
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

8:13am
I open Community to see the usual crap...

I see politics...the usual Bush Bashing, Kerry questioning...the usual garbage.
I see countless....x vs y threads....CRAP!
I see the "check out the jugs on this chick" threads...usual name less garbage-I of course enter all those "jugs threads" to save them to my personal collection, err...I mean to check them for questionable content.

9:00am
I close Mozilla down, and start doing work again. I am at work, remember?

10:00am
I promtly get a PM from the guy that messaged me the night before. Why didnt you not reply to me? I promtly changed his post count to 0 and upload him an avatar (which he cant change of course) that says "Make fun of me, Catwomen was the best move ever" in rotating text.

*DELETE*

Wondering what to do now...
I open the Admin control panel and start digging around.
Looking at the user groups, I figure, noone needs to ever PM me anymore, so I remove everyones ability to send PMs.

10:05am
I decide, I need to do documentation for my real job, so I hop onto it, and start writing my highly technical documents in Microsoft Word.

10:10am
I get bored...
I log back into Hype and see a golden thread in Community, untouched my BMFH hands! The thread begins like this:

Hi! I am New! by Angel

I promptly post a nice message to her on the forums, saying hello, and welcome to the Hype! Of course I throw in the obligatory statement of PM me if you have any problems (remember I removed the PMs).

*Smiling*

I switch windows to the control panel and make a few MINOR adjustments to her account.

10:12am
I work some more....

10:20am
I look back at good ole Angel and she is having trouble! Malice to the rescue!
I just jump in and rescue her of course. I quickly undo the adjustments I made to her account. I give her the, "Its all in the line of duty." bit....which they ALL love.

More to come...

[Supergirl]

MORE!! I WANT MORE!!! seriously great stuff Malice :) Really funny :)

[Master Chief]

This is awesome. :D

[Socrates]

Haha, that's funniest thing I've read in a while. :D

[Mixairian]

Oh man this is getting subscribed to for later reads.

[Boy Wonder '04]

Hahahahahahaha!!! Malice rocks!!!

[Jesster32388]

lol Malice awsome.

[tomahawk53]

LOL...very funny!!!!

Keep it going Malice!!!

[Malice]

Cool...glad you guys are entertained....

[Boy Wonder '04]

Keep going Malice!!!

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 3
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

10:25am
After helping my little Angel get her Technical Difficulties resolved, I decided, I need better Karma. I dive into the Computer Assistance forum to find some poor chimp that needs help.

SpiderPutz writes: "Hi all! I think I have a virus! My computer is really really slow! I dont know why! Can someone help?"

I decide, my expertice is needed. Malice to the rescue!

So I write, "First of all, lets not classify this as a virus. Lets classify this at the moment as a PBKAC. (Problem Between Keyboard and Chair, of course I dont explain what PBKAC stands for - phonetically known as a Peb-Cack)
This sounds like you have a resources issue, what software do you have running in the background as we speak?

I finish the post with that, this looks like it will mostly be a "work in progress fix."

Karma +1 - Another hopefully happy customer!

The next plea for my help comes from sNiCkeRdOOdle.

sNiCkeRdOOdle writes: "MALIEC I WANT 2 LEARN 2 B A COL COMPUTER GUY LIEK U?!?!! OMG WTF LOL HOW SHUD I START OUT LEARNNG??!!!????"

I reply calmly: "Get off the crack and that is your first step into admitting you need to jump off a cliff."

karma +2 - Another satisfied customer!

Immediately, I get a pop-up, saying I have a new PM.

I open a new window to view it, seeing its from Angel.
*innocent smile*

To be continued....

[Boy Wonder '04]

Hahahahahaha! Thats good ****! :)

[Dr Jones]

heh heh. Good stuff.

[Brodie Bruce]

Brilliant

[Supergirl]

Keep it coming Malice :) Never would have guessed you had this side of you :o

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 4
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

10:35am
Again, I type a few little blurbs to my new pet, Angel. This is private, so go the hell away.

10:40am
Again I close Mozilla to do work. Damn it sucks how work gets in the way of BMFH duties.

1:00pm
I wander back from taking my 2 hour lunch, and sit back down with my Starbucks triple deluxe expresso with double caffeine.

12 new PMs popup on me.

*Damn*

Quickly scanning them, I dont see any of the usual buzzwords like, Porn, Picture, Nude, Ban or.....Angel :)

I select all then delete them. My work is done!

I open the Comments and Support forum now. Since the upgrade to VB3, I have been inundated with requests for this...requests for that...

I see 13 new threads. I quickly go thru each one and type, Read the Damn FAQs! if its not there, goto the Comments and Support forum!

Karma +13

Man I am going to heaven tonight!

My personal Cell Phone rings. I pick it up and see that its Mirko. Dear lord, what does this guy want now!

Mirko: Hey guy. I wanted to ask you, did you realize those threads you just posted in, ARE IN FACT in the Support forum?

Malice: Hey Mirko. Um, Yes. Whats the problem?

Mirko: You seemed a little rude, you ok?

Malice: Rude? No of course not. Direct. Remember, they are sheep and chimps. They need direction, we are here to provide that! Havent you learned after all this time that I handle these issues?

Mirko: Yeah, I remember, it still doesnt seem right.

Malice: You dont pay me for niceness, just efficiency, check you later, gotta work.

*click*

I think I was direct enough, dont you?

more to come...

[Boy Wonder '04]

Hahaha! I've never seen this side of Malice before! :) Next time I PM you I'll have to title it 'BAN this guy because he posted PORN' Lol. :)

[Master Chief]

I can't believe you guys never thought of Malice like this. :o

[Malice]

You like my "diary" so far guys?

[Brodie Bruce]

Have you not read this thread? It's pretty one-sided on the like it/not like it front.

[Malice]

Have you not read this thread? It's pretty one-sided on the like it/not like it front.

Not really...kinda busy.
:)

But after just reading them....I feel dumb for posting it.

Heh

[Spoon]

You make Gandhi look like a child pornographer!! It's scrumtulescent.

[JTIZZLEVILLE]

this is awsome. can't wait to read more.

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 5
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

1:20pm
Sitting magnanimously at work computer, I continue to perform the duties I get paid for by my full time employer....being the BMFH.

It was time I checked my phishing scripts on Hype to see if I turned up anything good. Searching thru the logs, I found a user named Wizard who decided to PM someone named MageMongrel that he uses paypal, and his paypal address is ***** (edited for security reason). Interestingly enough, I happen to have Wizards email address and his password for SHH! Wow!

I put 2 and 2 together and try to connect to Paypal after bouncing a few connections off random networked servers with Wizards paypal username, and his SHH password.

*trumpets play*

TADA! I scored paydirt! I immediately transfer 50 bucks to a secret account out of country for my retirement. That will teach Wizard to try to hide things like this from me using PMs!

more to come....

[superman_blaze]

more, tyrant but with style

[Illchill]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 4


Malice: You dont pay me for niceness, just efficiency, check you later, gotta work.

...

Do you actually get paid at all?
And does Mirko really call you?
And do you really delete misc. PMs?
And is Angel a real person?
And do you really drink Starbucks coffee?
And do you really like the :unishr: face?

[Illchill]

Good reads BTW:D

[Malice]

Do you actually get paid at all?
And does Mirko really call you?
And do you really delete misc. PMs?
And is Angel a real person?
And do you really drink Starbucks coffee?
And do you really like the :unishr: face?

What do you think?
:hyper:

[jollyjohnny]

this is the funniest thing i have seen on the hype ever since the dood comics. Keep it going Malice. :up:

[Phoney Bone]

"10:00am
I promtly get a PM from the guy that PMed me the night before. Why didnt you reply to me? I promtly gchange his post count to 0 and upload him an avatar (which he cant change of course) that says "Make fun of me, Catwomen was the best move ever" in rotating text."




PLEASE, PLEASE do this to someone.:D

[Malice]

"10:00am
I promtly get a PM from the guy that PMed me the night before. Why didnt you reply to me? I promtly gchange his post count to 0 and upload him an avatar (which he cant change of course) that says "Make fun of me, Catwomen was the best move ever" in rotating text."




PLEASE, PLEASE do this to someone.:D

heh

[Phoney Bone]

Not to me, if that's what's going through your sick mind right now.:D

[Master Chief]

I gladly step up as volunteer for your amusement. :o As long as later on I get my stuff back... :(

[InsomniacFreak]

This is the funniest damn thing I've ever read on these boards. Go Malice Go. The only thing funnier would be if I had read this between attempts to do real work myself.

*As Post Quick Reply button is pressed thinks to self* "Oh ****, forgot to go remove the catty sig of protest before posting to a Malice thread. Oh, damn, it's gonna be me, I know it's gonna be me now that gets the CINO avatar and zero post count now. I'm just kidding Malice, just kidding."

[Spidey-Bat]

lol. thats some pretty funny stuff.

[Socrates]

MORE, MORE! >;o

[Malice]

I need to type a nice long one before I head out for the weekend.

[JTIZZLEVILLE]

i can't wait. this is awsome.

[dmcnx]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 3
by Malice

The next plea for my help comes from sNiCkeRdOOdle.

sNiCkeRdOOdle writes: "MALIEC I WANT 2 LEARN 2 B A COL COMPUTER GUY LIEK U?!?!! OMG WTF LOL HOW SHUD I START OUT LEARNNG??!!!????"

I reply calmly: "Get off the crack and that is your first step into admitting you need to jump off a cliff."


Bastard Moderator from Hell - 2
10:00am
I promtly get a PM from the guy that messaged me the night before. Why didnt you not reply to me? I promtly changed his post count to 0 and upload him an avatar (which he cant change of course) that says "Make fun of me, Catwomen was the best move ever" in rotating text.


If that is wrong then I dont want to be right:up::D

[Malice]

Heh...its funny...I have so many typos in these things...
But they are a little amusing...

Do you want me to become the Malice from the story?

[Spoon]

Hells yeah!

[Spidey-Bat]

you should give someone that CINO avatar (not me).

[Malice]

What is CINO?

[InsomniacFreak]

What is CINO?

hehehe, a newbie with over 6K posts is in control of us all..... BE AFRAID.....BE VERY AFRAID

[Spidey-Bat]

What is CINO?

the catwoman movie with halle berry

Catwoman In Name Only

[Spoon]

Did I just hear someone volunteering for the avatar??

[Master Chief]

Did I just hear someone volunteering for the avatar??

*Raises hand*

[Malice]

I am swamped today, and will be out of town this weekend...
I dont think I will be able to post the next installment of...

The BMFH!

[Supergirl]

:( That makes me sad :(

[Malice]

Who knows...I might post one...but VERY doubtfull...

[Boy Wonder '04]

I just came back and read the rest malice! Hahaha! Cool! :up:

[InsomniacFreak]

I am swamped today, and will be out of town this weekend...
I dont think I will be able to post the next installment of...

The BMFH!

Note to Dew K. Mosi or SHH!! pssttttt. Malice is away and he left us all hung out to dry for the weekend, longing for the next chapter of his unfinished BMFH story.

So, if you have the power (and the guts) go ahead and upload that damn spinning CINO avatar to him. He deserves that for even PRETENDING not to know what the hell CINO meant in the first place. Do it. I dare you.

[Master Chief]

I WANT THE F**KING AVATAR AND MY POST COUNT DELETED! :mad:

[InsomniacFreak]

I WANT THE F**KING AVATAR AND MY POST COUNT DELETED! :mad:


You have a practically naked chick in your avatar dude. Ever think that maybe Malice doesn't want to remove your avatar?

[Master Chief]

You have a practically naked chick in your avatar dude. Ever think that maybe Malice doesn't want to remove your avatar?

Well I'm giving him permission, even though it is not needed, that he can remove it and insert the Catwoman avatar.

[InsomniacFreak]

I suppose you want the CINO forum back too huh?

[Master Chief]

I suppose you want the CINO forum back too huh?

YA LoL teh CAtw0man m0ViE wuz teh b3st m0v1e uv teh summa!!!!1!!!!!!!11!~!!!111!1!!111!11!1~1!!!one!!

herre Iz ma t0p t3n l1st omg lol:

1. CAtw0man
2. F1ght ClUB
3. 0nc3 up0n a tim3 in teh w3st
4. teh 9th configuation
5. 2001 a sp4c3 odysey
6. citzin cane
7. predtor 2
8. avP2
9. 5h4tt3red gl4Ss
10. sw0rdf1sh

omg LoL dat is teh b3st list eva!!1!11!

[Socrates]

Haha. :o:up:

[Spidey-Bat]

I suppose you want the CINO forum back too huh?

they were destroyed?!?!?!



THERE IS A GOD!!!

[Drakon]

Sad thing is, this guy isnt even kidding. This is a real "Day In the Life of Malice". What, you dont think he got that name because it SOUNDS cool. do you?

[InsomniacFreak]

Yeah, Malice has returned, hopefully refreshed from his little vacation, and ready to entertain us with more tales from the BMFH.

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 6
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

7:45am
Malice arrives at his place of employement turns on his desktop and laptop, then heads out to get his coffee. Along the way he is greeted by a "chipper morning person."

"Hello say Barbara."

Malice waves while thinking, damn I wish I could ban your chipper worthless non-technical project manager ass."

Coffee, once again, Malice lovingly caresses his beautiful disposable styrofoam cup. Pouring in the Black Gold, he sniffs it, just like the Folgers commercials.

"Hi!" yells another extremely chipper co-worker.

Looking annoyed, Malice nods, and grumbles something unintelligeble, promptly leaving the room.

8:00am
Malice actually starts some work.

8:07am
Annoyed by user stupidity, Malice logs into Hype for the first time after being on a 4 day holiday. The little box pops up saying I have 32 new PMs.

*groan*

Why me?

[Supergirl]

Nice lead in Malice :) Can't wait for part 7 :)

[The Lumberjack]

This is one of the fewstoryies I've read on the Hype that is actuallyworth the time to read, and then some. Seriously funny stuff here. Bring on part 7.

[Malice]

Sorry for the short segments..I cant seem to find the time to really sit down and write...
A good page or two...

So I try to start writing it in the morning...and just add a sentence or two over the course of the hour...hoping I get something by the end of the day...

[Socrates]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 6Malice waves while thinking, damn I wish I could ban your chipper worthless non-technical project manager ass."


Haha. :o

[BlueTights]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 1
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

8:00am

I sit at my work comp logging into Hype, and see the usual 5 PMs I got from the previous night...

I click on the PM list and see the ones I recieved:

Malice! I need you Help!
Malice! I need your Admin Assistance! Troll in Superman!
Please change my name
I found Porn! Ban this guy!
Quick Question


I look a the list and think....wholly crap! Porn! I immediately click on the 4th link and hope for some good porn! There is nothing like seeing good porn while at work and drinking a good coffee. (If you havent tried it, you must!)

I immediately click on the link and the pm text that is like 3 sentences long becomes a jumble until I see the glorious underlined symbol of the almighty, a hyperlink. A hyperlink to porn, God save the Queen.

I click the link, and get taken to an obscure corner of Hype.... Scouring the thread, I search with baited breath.... Then I find it...wait
DAMN! Mirko got to it first and edited out the picture! Damn Him! That is My job to collect all questionable material for a later date! Damn Him!

Closing that window I go back to the remaining four PMs, deleting 1 and 2 without reading them I got to he name change. Feeling nice and magnanimous, I open it up to see a guy with 3 posts wants a name change.

I proceed to IP ban him for stupidty for wanting a name change when he could simply reregister with a new name. Stupidity has no place being on my board.

To the last PM I go, I again feel nice and open the persons question PM. I open the PM to find a freaking copy of War and Peace. I quickly send him a link to the Comments and Support forum without ever reading the pm, then deleting it of course. I cant have it clogging up my PM capacity when someone might be about to PM me something juicy!

8:10am
I actually proceed to do my real job.

8:13am
I pull Mozilla back up and start looking thru Community. (I dont read anything else, because everyone else is a bunch of freaking Comic book geeks...Why would anyone get into a freaking Arguments about whether Spiderman had Organic Webshooters or the classic web-fluid ones. How lame)

I open Community to see the usual crap...

More to come...


bloody brilliant...

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 7
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

8:07am
Annoyed by user stupidity, Malice logs into Hype for the first time after being on a 4 day holiday. The little box pops up saying I have 32 new PMs.

*groan*

Why me?

Well here I go...

I look at the PM List



Login Problem!
Help!
Why did you Remove my Post?
Malice you Rock!
I hate you!
I want your child!
Malice the Phallus!
Eat Me!
Problem Mal, take a look...
Behaviour in the Elektra forums
Troll Alert!
I wanna be a Mod!
.......
Discrimination of SHH! Its Terrible!
Why?
:)
I love the Front Page!
What is Mirkos phone Number?
Woman Threads!
Are you Looking for a new Mod?
I want the old VB2 back
Porn!
The Front Page is Crap!
Formal Complaing about Snipe!
Help!
Malice, the Mods needs your help
Buy Viagra cheap!
I need more Smilies!
Absolutely uncalled for insults. This thread requires attention!
Mail! Too Much Mail!
FAQs, they suck.
3LAKTRA RULES!111!!1 OMG WTF
CS! Rules!


*cry*

I immediately straighten my back and decided to dig into it.

PM1 - Login Problem!
Malice, I am logged in with a new account (MobyDick), I cant seem to get into my old account, Moby. Can you help? I dont wanna loose my 32,000 posts!
You seem to be logged in just fine! Enjoy the new account!
Karma +1

PM2 - Help!
Help! I cant seem to get an avatar working.
Looking, I see that this user has 6 posts....DELETE!
Karma +1 (I didnt really help with this one)

PM3 - Why did you Remove my Post?
Malice, I just want to know why my post was removed from the Community forum. Can you give me an answer?
Can you give me a Link to the thread?
Karma +2 (I get good Karma, I have started the user out in finding a solution to their dilemna)

PM4 - Malice you Rock!
I simply wanted to state this... You did a great job with the upgrade. Despite the little problems, it works great!
I reply, What freaking problems? it was flawless, everything that happened happened because I scripted it that way! Go bother someone else!
Karma +3 (I defended my actions, I am so blessed!)

PM5 - I hate you!
I hate you!
What else is new....Go blow a goat.
Karma +4 (Self-defence in my book is a big karma booster.)

PM5 - I want your child!
You rock!
I casually reply, so, what your real name and phone number?
Karma +5 (Procreation! Procreation! Procreation!)

PM6 - Malice the Phallus!
Blah, Blah Blah
(I cut it all out....its like three pages long, no sense in including it)
I reply intelligently, Wow! You like, rhymed!

PM7 - Eat Me!
F**K you!
Dont even bother, DELETE!

PM8 - Problem Mal, take a look...
Malice, please look at this LINK....we have some problems with a user.
Truthteller
What a dependable guy TT is. I immediately, forward it, cutting out the headers to HWD,
HWD, can you take a look please? I am swamped!
Karma +6 (Its great to help people out!)

PM9 - Behaviour in the Elektra forums
There are a few people making trouble in the Elektra forums...handle it.
I reply, "Handle it? Sure...stop being so damn sensitive."
Bans the user who PMed him for 1 week.

I feel I have done my job for the day...time to clean up!

PM10 - Troll Alert!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM11 - I wanna be a Mod!
I am responsible! Honest!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM12 - .......
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM13 - Discrimination of SHH! Its Terrible!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM14 - Why?
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM15 - :)
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM16 - I love the Front Page!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM17 - What is Mirkos phone Number?
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM18 - Woman Threads!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM19 - Are you Looking for a new Mod?
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM20 - I want the old VB2 back
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM21 - Porn!
I prompltly, "handle the situation"....adding it to my online collection, want the address?

PM22 - The Front Page is Crap!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM23 - Formal Complaing about Snipe!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM24 - Help!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM25 - Malice, the Mods needs your help
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM26 - Buy Viagra cheap!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM27 - I need more Smilies!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM28 - Absolutely uncalled for insults. This thread requires attention!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM29 - Mail! Too Much Mail!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM30 - FAQs, they suck.
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM31 - 3LAKTRA RULES!111!!1 OMG WTF
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

PM32 - CS! Rules!
Dont even bother reading it. *DELETE*

Another plethora of satisfied customers!

[Spoon]

Now that's efficient service.

[JTIZZLEVILLE]

haha, that's awsome. you are my hero Malice.

[Covenant Elite]

Great job. But I sent you one of the PM'd you deleted. :-P

[BlueTights]

haha, that's awsome. you are my hero Malice.


indeed

[Drakon]

Malice, when I open my business, Im gonna need your address. I need someone efficient like you. :D

[The Lumberjack]

These get better and better each time. Awesome job!!!

[Malice]

Malice, when I open my business, Im gonna need your address. I need someone efficient like you. :D

Heh...no problem.

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 8
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

9:12am (Sunday)
Malice opens his eyes and finds he cant move his legs. looking to his legs, he realizes his dog is laying on his legs, asleep, and drooling on his left left.

"Get Off Mutt!"

Malice kicks the dog off his legs.

*misc curses as Malice falls off the bed because his legs are asleep*

Slowly getting back to his feet, he stands and wanders to the kitchen, where he looks, and sees the coffee machine is turned off, and there is no coffee in the pot.

*scream*

Malice promptly start the coffee maker and wanders into the study...completely unarmed and defenseless to the rigors of Hype!

Jiggling the mouse, Malice wakes his computer up from its nightly porn download. Opening Firefox, he goes to Hype. Suprisingly, no PMs!

Hot Damn!

Opening Thunderbird, he starts checking the mail from CS and SHH. Then Malice sees this....

Downloading 1 of 7322
Downloading 2 of 7322

*scream*

Malice gets back up and curls in bed to await his courage to be brewed.

[Malice]

What else would you guys like to see?
I have some thoughts

[Venom_uk]

More picking on poor defenseless SHH! users would be nice :D :up:

[superman_blaze]

just as long as you keep writing i dont really mind who you torment

[Malice]

my biggest problem is time
I enjoy writing them....I am just in a time crunch lately, hence all the posts have been really small....

I hope to post some longer stuff later.

[superman_blaze]

so do i :D

[InsomniacFreak]

What else would you guys like to see?
I have some thoughts

Please do describe in detail for us your account of the swift and merciless justice associated with infamous spider-man2 manspider thread. (Which was appropriate btw).

[Supergirl]

spider-freddie dammit!:mad:

[Immortalfire]

I can't wait to see the part when Malice meets me at the local saloon, where we'll raise up our glasses against evil forces and sing...well you know :D

[Phoney Bone]

"Whiskey for my men, beer for my horses?"

[InsomniacFreak]

Malice has writer's block or perhaps he was a little too efficient at deleting the really stupid hypesters' accounts and has no new moronic activity to report upon? (rrriiigggghhhttt).

Cmon Malice, I'm so uninspired of late, I need you to bring me back to life with more jaded, sadistic tales of your daily routine. It gives me some kind of sick satisfaction just knowing that my life sucks less than yours does. :)

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 9
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

6:00pm - Sunday Night
Malice sits in his nice pleather (yes Pure PLEATHER!) office chair relaxing. He grabs his beer and jiggles his mouse to get the monitor to come back on.
After a moment, it does, and Malice clicks on the Azureus icon in the bottom right hand corner, to see the status of his torrent porn/bondage/mp3/DVD-Rip downloads.

After picking a few he wished to get done first, he open a browser to Hype!

Malice deletes 12 new PMs and decides, its time to work.
He smacks his hands together, and opens up a new browser to the admin panel, a new IE browser to login Malice-Test, and a Opera to login Malice-Test.

"Lets see, what constructive work can I do today!? How bout a little cleanup...."

Malice does a search thru the user database for those users in the Email-Awating Activation Group...pulls up 72 users. Malice promptly selects the box to signify SELECT-ALL then hits the delete button.

"72 loosers no longer on the board."

Again, Malice does a search thru the user database. This time, he keys his search on any user who has not visited the Hype in a 30 days. The screen shows the beginnings of a large list, 11671 users. Again, SELECT-ALL - DELETE!

"11671 non-dedicated loosers have been pruned."

Malice then decided to look at the overall size of the database. Looking, he sees that it Data usage is 1,168.36 MB. OK that is way too big. Promply clicking on the Threads and Posts Admin link, then the Prune button. The screen prompts him. Malice tells it to prune everything over 14 days. That should free up some space! After hitting the button, the screen starts pruning. For two hours its deleting posts.

Malice gets up and heads to the kitchen to make dinner.

Coming back, he sees he has accomplished his mission. Only 32MB used in the database.

Mission acconplished.

Opening Thunderbird, malice starts to type a message to Mirko:

"Hey Mirko...
How goes it?

Well I have some good news. I have pruned a few posts and users. They were dead-weight and no longer needing to be on the forums.

NOTE: Make sure your fee you pay for the ISP goes down because of this.

Your truly,
Malice, The SHH Admin"

Sending the message, Malice feels like he has accomplished something for the power of good today.

[Spoon]

What about all the people who complained about their subscriptions being deleted?

Surely ass must have been kicked there.

[Malice]

Everyone's a Kritic!

[Cloud Strife]

What exactly do you do for a living Malice ?

[Venom_uk]

What exactly do you do for a living Malice ?
Besides torture random hype members you mean? ;) :D

[Raykel]

So if you removed everyone's ability to PM back in post #4, why are you still getting so many PMs?

Note to self: if ever you need to PM Malice, make subject header "Porn" or "I Want to Have Your Child."

;)

[Cloud Strife]

Besides torture random hype members you mean? ;) :DOf course .:up:

[Malice]

So if you removed everyone's ability to PM back in post #4, why are you still getting so many PMs?

Note to self: if ever you need to PM Malice, make subject header "Porn" or "I Want to Have Your Child."

;)


NOW ya get it!

[Malice]

What exactly do you do for a living Malice ?

Malice is the All-powerful Forum Admin for SHH! and CS!
Malice is an unfeeling robot built by the hand of God (Mirko).
Malice is the Alpha and the Omega.

The finger behind Malice, John, is a Network Administrator/Husband/and hopefully in the future, Father.

[Cloud Strife]

Malice is the All-powerful Forum Admin for SHH! and CS!
Malice is an unfeeling robot built by the hand of God (Mirko).
Malice is the Alpha and the Omega.

The finger behind Malice, John, is a Network Administrator/Husband/and hopefully in the future, Father.Really , that's nice to know.

[dmcnx]

Everyone's a Kritic!

Boobs?

[fever red]

I see the future: Son of BMFH and Daughter of BMFH!

[KetchBlaze]

I see the future: Son of BMFH and Daughter of BMFH!
And the whole Hee Haw gang.

Good stuff here, Malice. Don't keep us hangin tho.

[blueboy]

Malice is the All-powerful Forum Admin for SHH! and CS!
Malice is an unfeeling robot built by the hand of God (Mirko).
Malice is the Alpha and the Omega.

The finger behind Malice, John, is a Network Administrator/Husband/and hopefully in the future, Father.

Your writing is superb.... would you like a billion dollars? :)

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 10
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

6:15pm - Thrsday Night
*yawn*

I am to tired for this crap.

*snaps fingers*

I am a genious!

Opens FireFox and goes to the SHH Admin board. Clicks on Add New Announcement

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Title - Malice is looking to tutor a NEW SHH! Admin, Apply Inside!

Greetings Stupid Users!
Your glorious Administrator has decided one of you is almost worthy of his respect. Today, Malice has started doing other work besides SHH!

This means his time is at a premium (like it was ever anything less).

What does this mean for you? Well, I am willing to take on a protogee to teach and educate in the ways of Forum and User Management. I will teach my young Padawan the ways of the Admin. Something you all dream and drool about each and every day.

If you wish to attempt to believe you are almost equal to me in any way, PM me with 1000 words as to why you believe you are worthy of being a SHH Admin.

I have spoken,
Malice

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Pressing Save, the Announcement goes out...

My search for a slave...I mean intern begins.

[Cloud Strife]

No way in hell is that going to be me .:down

[Malice]

This is where things are going to get funny.

you people wonder what I think "of the average user" here you go!

[Supergirl]

I cant wait Mal this stuff is hillairious :)

[Malice]

I appreciate...I am actually having fun writing them.

[JTIZZLEVILLE]

i can already see where this one is going. can't wait.

[Malice]

I have already started writing the next section.

[BRUTAL]

The finger behind Malice, John, is a Network Administrator/Husband/and hopefully in the future, Father.

I wish you luck with that...

[dmcnx]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 10
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

6:15pm - Thrsday Night
*yawn*

I am to tired for this crap.

*snaps fingers*

I am a genious!

Opens FireFox and goes to the SHH Admin board. Clicks on Add New Announcement

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Title - Malice is looking to tutor a NEW SHH! Admin, Apply Inside!

Greetings Stupid Users!
Your glorious Administrator has decided one of you is almost worthy of his respect. Today, Malice has started doing other work besides SHH!

This means his time is at a premium (like it was ever anything less).

What does this mean for you? Well, I am willing to take on a protogee to teach and educate in the ways of Forum and User Management. I will teach my young Padawan the ways of the Admin. Something you all dream and drool about each and every day.

If you wish to attempt to believe you are almost equal to me in any way, PM me with 1000 words as to why you believe you are worthy of being a SHH Admin.

I have spoken,
Malice

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Pressing Save, the Announcement goes out...

My search for a slave...I mean intern begins.


I would actually do that...

Seriously.

[Cloud Strife]

Well Malice ,it seams like you manage to keep things in order,from time to time .

[Malice]

Well Malice ,it seams like you manage to keep things in order,from time to time .

Time to Time
:)

Time to write....
:writes:

[Cloud Strife]

Now Malice , who exactly is the bastard moderator from hell ...?

[Malice]

Hey, would anyone be willing to draw up some interesting pictures....funny ones...or something...might be interesting.

[Malice]

Time for me to work on the next episode while work is slow.

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 11
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

6:15pm - Friday Night

Malice drags into the house after a grueling day of work.

Malice yells to his wife, "Hey B***H get me a beer!"

His wife walks in and drops a beer in his lap and walks out. Turning, Malice sits in the "Mod Chair" and spins to face the computer, waking it up from its hibernation. Logging into Mozilla, he sees the ever present "You have PMs! popup"

Opening his PMs, he sees, ALOT of new mail. All asking to be his apprentice.
*rubbing his hands together*

Clicking on the first PM
From: RotundStupidity
Title: Apprenticeship...
PM Text: Dearest Malice, I would be more than honered to...

*DELETE*
Looking to the next one.

From: NasalPassage
Title: I wanna help!
PM Text: Malice, this sounds like a great oppurtunity for me!

*DELETE*
Next....

From: SpideyGoneWild
Title: Take Me!
PM Text: Hi sexy, I wanna be your apprentice! I have big boobs...

*SAVE, move to "porn penpal folder*
Next....

From: TheTick
Title: You Arrogant Ass
PM Text: Malice, I have never seen someone with your attidude. You really need to be shot.

*SAVE*
I have found him! My future apprentice! What spunk! What attitude!
Wait....its me!

[Venom_uk]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 11
From: SpideyGoneWild
Title: Take Me!
PM Text: Hi sexy, I wanna be your apprentice! I have big boobs...

*SAVE, move to "porn penpal folder*
Next....

Ha ha ha!!! :D:up: Love it!

[Malice]

My new goal is to have the BMFH series to be the most viewed thread of the Fan Fic forums!

[Cloud Strife]

My new goal is to have the BMFH series to be the most viewed thread of the Fan Fic forums!Now how are you going confince members to view this thread the most ?

[Malice]

Now how are you going confince members to view this thread the most ?

Easy,

Keep writing them!

[KetchBlaze]

Now how are you going confince members to view this thread the most ?


Well DUH!!! He's gonna deny us access to all other threads until he has about a squillion views on this thread and then he'll let it go.

[Malice]

Well DUH!!! He's gonna deny us access to all other threads until he has about a squillion views on this thread and then he'll let it go.

Of course ....
That too!

[Cloud Strife]

Well DUH!!! He's gonna deny us access to all other threads until he has about a squillion views on this thread and then he'll let it go.If I were Spider-Fett right now I'd lock this thread because its starting to make no sense .

[dmcnx]

If I were Spider-Fett right now I'd lock this thread because its starting to make no sense .

Fett isnt the only mod:spidey:

[Cloud Strife]

Fett isnt the only mod:spidey:Yes , I knew that already Jenious , I chose Spider-Fett because he's the best mod .

[Malice]

Enough....back to the story....

[InsomniacFreak]

My new goal is to have the BMFH series to be the most viewed thread of the Fan Fic forums!

Well to do that, in addition to placing annoying Announcements taking up 3/4 of the screen, you could also try to write more than just one episode every three days.

We are an instant gratification group of social misfits here. You can't just keep us hanging on edge for three days and expect to keep our interest, although I seem to wander back here every day to see if your arrogant lazy ass has bothered to write another episode, so yeah, maybe you can keep stringing us along with one story every three days.

I figure if I say enough insulting things it will give you incentive ( and ideas) to write more. This is just to encourage and motivate you, you little **** ****** ****.

[Phoney Bone]

Boobs?
Nope, your wrong. The obvious answer to that one was :hellboy:.

[michael jordan]

This thread is too goofy.

[InsomniacFreak]

This thread is too goofy.

Welcome to Disney World!

[InsomniacFreak]

*bump* OK you've had your three days. Where the hell is episode 12 Malice? Today was a work day, you should have had time to write something for us on your employer's dime.

[Malice]

*bump* OK you've had your three days. Where the hell is episode 12 Malice? Today was a work day, you should have had time to write something for us on your employer's dime.

Funny but due to stupid things on and off the forum havent gone there yet.

[SPIDEYISCOOL]

aahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha:D

[The Lumberjack]

These are so freakin hilarious. Almost started crying during 12.

[InsomniacFreak]

These are so freakin hilarious. Almost started crying during 12.

Uhhh, is episode 12 written in invisible ink that only you can see?

[InsomniacFreak]

Well hell Malice. Are you out there trying to make babies or something? You ever gonna write again? I'm doing all the work keeping your damn thread alive here. Cmon. Help me out.

[Agent Thermal]

I guess he's reforming... :p He's now the Bashful Moderator from Heaven...:D

[fever red]

You can't force "good" evil. Heh. Maybe he has villain's block. Booze. That should do it.

[Malice]

Nope...
Just been busy, I will get back on the Evil horse again.

No Worries.

[Knightsaber Priss]

Dear Malice,

I demand you get on some users for having long names that mess with the leftbar like Americanbadazzzz, or however he spells it. It's only fair since I had to shorten my nick.

Regards,

G2K

[InsomniacFreak]

Dear Malice,

I demand you get on some users for having long names that mess with the leftbar like Americanbadazzzz, or however he spells it. It's only fair since I had to shorten my nick.

Regards,

G2K

I demand you vacate your ass from this thread and go post this crap in the comments & support thread where it belongs. Show Malice a little respect here.

[fever red]

Heh, heh. The evil horse. Like, you can lead an evil horse to water, but you can't make him accept the lord and be washed of his sins!

[Drakon]

Episode 10--The Phantom Admin seemed like it could be a real reality TV show. I mean, hell. After that one I saw a commercia about men living like women, why not?

[fever red]

What the...? Huh? You...you're not implying...men doing housework? No. Flat-out no, count me out, that's just SICK. I got conservative values, thank you much.
A reality T.V. show about Malice, though, could showcase values such as mine. I think it's high time they were given national exposure.

[fever red]

Hey, I think that Panda Bear WANTS me.

[Drakon]

No, Men. Living, breathing, dressing, and existing as women for a reality TV show.

And my Panda doesnt want you.

[fever red]

So, Eddie Izzard's involved?
And that Panda, sorry, I'm not usually mistaken about Pandas. If you don't mind my asking, what's with the sultry look over the shoulder, then?

[Drakon]

So, Eddie Izzard's involved?
And that Panda, sorry, I'm not usually mistaken about Pandas. If you don't mind my asking, what's with the sultry look over the shoulder, then?
I dunno about Eddie Izzard. It wouldnt suprise me.

And that look is to make sure that all the cute chicks are looking! :p

[Malice]

Damn you people are like hyenas!

[Drakon]

Then feed, you bastage!!

[fever red]

Cute chicks do like bears, it's undeniable, but then, do you really think anything trumps those guns that Malice is fondling?
I'd get an avatar, but it would no doubt feature a much bigger set than his, and then he'd ban me...
Also, "Registered User" is probably a more apt appelation for me than anything I'd think up.
And if Eddie's in, I'm in.

[Drakon]

Cant have an avatar til you get 300 posts, duder.

[fever red]

It's cool- likesay, "Registered User" is working fine, an more than fair warning, hey? Ain't I good?

[Drakon]

I havent the slightest idea as to what you just said

[Superhobo]

Funny stuff....methinks Malice might be keeping the real juicy stuff till the morrow...





WTF just happened there?

I mean, I think He is keeping the good stuff till later...

[fever red]

Listen, Malice:
FEED a Fever, starve a cold...

[fever red]

Oh, hey, the guitar thing? I find the second thought makes me even happier!

[Malice]

Still holding the good stuff....you guys waiting for more?

[superman_blaze]

Come on even Scar fed the hyenas

[fever red]

Is it possible Malice is some kind of SADIST!?
No, no, they'd never let such a man be a mod!

[InsomniacFreak]

Still holding the good stuff....you guys waiting for more?

What a useless damn post. You are a bastard aren't you. Thanks for making a token guest appearance in your own damn thread. I'm gonna start writing episodes on your behalf if you don't get busy.

[fever red]

Heh heh. ^ Translation to the above post? "Fock you and the "evil" horse you rode in on." Heh heh heh. A rowdy crowd here, tonight. This thread may be stronger in content when it comes to the fan commentary, as opposed to the fan-fic.

[Superhobo]

Woo! Take off your top!!!
















Woo yeah! I'm drunk on stage!!!


(Now THAT's a Rowdy crowd.)

[Agent Thermal]

You people fail to realize that he's BEING an evil Moderator this entire time by NOT posting any more accounts of his Moderator-ship!!! :o ;) He's doing the very things that you want him to talk about!!! :cool:

[Drakon]

Nah, I noticed. Its not that hard to see. Hes a bastage anyway. And he ows me money!

[CaptainSpam89]

Are we talking abot SSH Moderator from hell ?

[fever red]

Yes, we get that this is interactive theator at its best.
Do you think we're dense, just because we're primitive? No, we do OK. But thanks!

[InsomniacFreak]

Heh heh. ^ Translation to the above post? "Fock you and the "evil" horse you rode in on." Heh heh heh. A rowdy crowd here, tonight. This thread may be stronger in content when it comes to the fan commentary, as opposed to the fan-fic.

Thanks for the assistance Mr. Universal Translator. That's close enough. And I concur that this has become more of a Bastard Members from Hell thread. Or a Bash Malice For Helluvit, take your pick.

[fever red]

I like all 3. And you're welcome; I'm just your little symbiotic Babel-fish- at your service, Mr. Arthur Dent! Don't Panic.

[InsomniacFreak]

I like all 3. And you're welcome; I'm just your little symbiotic Babel-fish- at your service, Mr. Arthur Dent! Don't Panic.

:up: :up:
Wow! I didn't realize Insomniacisms were translatable by the Babel-fish. I guess my language is more widespread throughout the world than I "eralized". Of course, you'll have to ask RabbitSamurai5 for a translation of the word "eralized". Even the Babel-fish would have a hard time with that one.

Back on topic, you know, bashing Malice here. Since Malice refuses to displeasure us, lets take this thread over and have yet more rowdy fun.

Give me your best alternatives for the letters B.M.F.H. and make them Malice specific and as malicious as possible.

[Raykel]

Malice: I want to have your child.

Now that I have your attention, WRITE MORE DAMMIT! ;)

[The Navigator]

Hey, Fever red...

http://www.theindyexperience.com/screen_gallery/raiders_screen/63.jpg

Shut the f**k up. :D

[The Navigator]

Yes, we get that this is interactive theator at its best.
Do you think we're dense, just because we're primitive? No, we do OK. But thanks!

http://www.theindyexperience.com/screen_gallery/raiders_screen/39.jpg

...Please tell me you're kidding.

[The Navigator]

:up: :up:
Wow! I didn't realize Insomniacisms were translatable by the Babel-fish. I guess my language is more widespread throughout the world than I "eralized". Of course, you'll have to ask RabbitSamurai5 for a translation of the word "eralized". Even the Babel-fish would have a hard time with that one.

Back on topic, you know, bashing Malice here. Since Malice refuses to displeasure us, lets take this thread over and have yet more rowdy fun.

Give me your best alternatives for the letters B.M.F.H. and make them Malice specific and as malicious as possible.

And as far as your "eralizing" crap is concerned...

http://www.theindyexperience.com/screen_gallery/raiders_screen/64.jpg
Anything else? Yeah, I didn't THINK so.
That's what I get for picking the wrong side...

[fever red]

Well, I can't think of any charactor flaw I could possibly flog Malice with, that he hasn't spoofed himself...
But I can take a leaf outta his book and shamelessly promote my own dyssocial tendancies as though they were virtues...
And I'll do so, by declaring this thread has become "******ing Malcontents Flay Him."
Though it seems to swing back and forth; there's a lot of posting here that could support a declaration of "Blatent Masochists Flatter Him."

[The Navigator]

That might work...

[InsomniacFreak]

Well, I can't think of any charactor flaw I could possibly flog Malice with, that he hasn't spoofed himself...
But I can take a leaf outta his book and shamelessly promote my own dyssocial tendancies as though they were virtues...
And I'll do so, by declaring this thread has become "******ing Malcontents Flay Him."
Though it seems to swing back and forth; there's a lot of posting here that could support a declaration of "Blatent Masochists Flatter Him."

Those are Sweet! Thanks for playing name that "BMFH" :cool:

[Speedin Bullet]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA. They think you're evil Mal, wait 'till they get a load of me.

[Drakon]

Biting
Midgets
Feverishly
Hurts!!

[fever red]

Bear Makes Fever Hot... heh heh heh. Sorry, I had to "share!"
Now I'll be good. Or Bash Me For Hijinks, maybe it would correct my behavior- though it's never worked to date.

[InsomniacFreak]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA. They think you're evil Mal, wait 'till they get a load of me.

Bullet
Marked
For
Harrassment

Don't think you can show your face here and not take a beating along with Malice. You're all evil and we know it. Speedin Bullet huh? Hmmm SB. What can I do with that one. How about Seditionist Bastard instead?

[twylight]

Bullet
Marked
For
Harrassment

Don't think you can show your face here and not take a beating along with Malice. You're all evil and we know it. Speedin Bullet huh? Hmmm SB. What can I do with that one. How about Seditionist Bastard instead?

Beasts
Make
Freaky
Husbands?

Speedin Bullet is one brutal mod. He scares me out of the RPG..


Aslo, Malice this is way overdue but I love it so far. :)

I read all of the BOFH when you stopped posting your BMFH.
freaky how similer you are.. :o ;)

[InsomniacFreak]

You people fail to realize that he's BEING an evil Moderator this entire time by NOT posting any more accounts of his Moderator-ship!!! :o ;) He's doing the very things that you want him to talk about!!! :cool:


I think you hit the nail on the head with Mods evil-ness (evility?) by ignoring us in general -- Particularly our PMs to them. I believe they do just hit Delete to any ole PM that comes in, at least to those of us in the Spidey forums where no mods or admins even bother to show up anymore (which I guess is a good thing for me -- hehehehe:D).

I meant to say thanks AT for giving me the idea for alternative BMFH meanings with your Bashful Mod from Heaven. I doubt this writer's strike has much to do with Malice being bashful and it damn sure has nothing to do with Malice being from Heaven.

[CaptainSpam89]

What are we talking about, Indain Jone all 3

[Speedin Bullet]

Speedin Bullet is one brutal mod. He scares me out of the RPG..

Really? Don't be scared, I won't kill you.... ;)

[Phoney Bone]

Biting
Midgets
Feverishly
Hurts!!


Brad(Me)
Makes
Females
Hot!

[InsomniacFreak]

Brad(Me)
Makes
Females
Hot!

or maybe.....

Brad(you)
Makes
Females
Hurl!

50/50 chance huh? You like them odds?

hmmmm, I've been delinquent in my Malice bashing acronyms so here we go.

B*tchslap
Malice
For
Hiding

Cmon, how much begging must we do, Malice ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

[fever red]

He's waiting for the rabble to clear out- but this is SHH, the rabble repository.
Where do I go from here? No, don't tell me- I'm sure you have LOTS of SWELL suggestions, but I'm a go-it-my-own-way kinda freak.

[Malice]

Sorry guys..been busy will try to get something out soon.

[fever red]

No, you should take your time- let the "evil" mature. We'll find something to do. I know- let's kidnap cheerleaders!

[Drakon]

http://www.tjhsst.edu/~kgallagh/images/cheerleader%20ninjas.jpg

[fever red]

I can't see that pic, Drakon...

[The Navigator]

I can't see that pic, Drakon...

It has ninja cheerleaders in it. Pfaw! Ninja cheerleaders are no match for a Rabbit Samurai...especially not as one outfitted like Indiana Jones:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v488/RabbitSamurai5/Indy1copy.jpg

[InsomniacFreak]

It has ninja cheerleaders in it. Pfaw! Ninja cheerleaders are no match for a Rabbit Samurai...espeically not as one outfitted like Indiana Jones:




"espeically" ? Does that mean No. 1?

[The Navigator]

"espeically" ? Does that mean No. 1?

HEY! You're not allowed to make fun of my spelling outside the designated thread. That's 3 demerits from Chief Scout Hobbes...I mean, InsomniacFreak.

[InsomniacFreak]

Hey, if I weren't allowed to make fun then I'd leave Hype for sure. And that is not an idle threat. That's a fact, Jack Rabbit.

[The Navigator]

Hey, if I weren't allowed to make fun then I'd leave Hype for sure. And that is not an idle threat. That's a fact, Jack Rabbit.

My name isn't Jack. ;)

[InsomniacFreak]

My name isn't Jack. ;)

True that. Nobody ever accused you of being "too nimble or quick" ;)

[Malice]

Guys..take the conversations to other threads.

[InsomniacFreak]

Sorry Malice. Will Do.

[The Navigator]

Sorry Malice. Will Do.

:( Sorry.

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 12
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

8:00am - Saturday Morning
Rolling out of bed, I take my zombie steps to the automatic coffee maker.
Pouring my mug of liquid life, I moan in complete ecstasy as I slurp it down loudly.

Wandering to my computer, I again wake it up from its Torrent Porn downloading slumber.

Opening Firefox, I (as always) get the PM notification.

I quickly delete all but one, a PM from Mirko.

Who said you can tutor a new admin?
Malice,

I am not at all comfortable with you bringing someone in off the street and giving them admin rights to the board. I do not approve. I have removed the announcement. Call me immediately.

Mirko

Shaking my head, I immediately open a new PM.
New Admin Justification
Hey buddy, I have some info I neglected to tell you about earlier.
First of all, I ran a complete background check on TheTick. I got his Social Security Number, Home Email, Home Physical Address, Job Information, and I even know how much makes an hour. You know me, I have my sources. my background check came up perfect.

TheTick is perfect for the job.

Let me get him in the door and you will not be disappointed. You know me.

Remember, the time I hacked the Police Database and wiped out that charge of Drunk Driving? I was there for you buddy. Then there was the time that one of the Las Vegas newspapers got a good picture of you in the Brothel, who was it that made sure noone ever got wind of it?

It was me buddy. We wouldnt ever want things like that to jeopardize SHH or CS would we!?

Trust me, he checks out, and my checks are much more concrete then those dumb NSA checks that you need to work for the gorvernment.

Malice

After I fire that PM off the Mirko, I quickly open a new one to me new Protogee...

Title: Congratulations! You are my new Apprentice!

Dearest TheTick,

You PM to me got me all excited. I deemed your attitude appropriate to someone that wants to become a world famous Moderator/Admin of a board of this size.

You may be wondering why I picked you since your note was grossly inadequete to my 1000 word requirements. Well, it was spunk, it was attitude that brought you to me!

You remind me of someone else that is great, ME!

I can teach you tehcnical things and how to get what you want. But you had what I needed, raw angst! Raw Passion, Raw attitude!

The world can be yours!

Would you like to join me in world domination?

Malice

[The Navigator]

You have your finger in many pies, eh, Malice?

[Malice]

You have your finger in many pies, eh, Malice?

Me?

Not at all. I am just your faithful non-public servant.

[The Navigator]

Hehe...:)

[superman_blaze]

Woo :D

[Supergirl]

Bout damn time :mad:

and thanks Malice :D

[fever red]

My cup of evil runneth over!

[The Navigator]

...yeah. Sure it doth.

[Cloud Strife]

Your a lone wolf Malice , you don't need another Admin. cramping your style.

[Malice]

Its not as good as the Bastard Operator from Hell...but hey...its my own take on it...

[Cloud Strife]

Where's chapter 13 ?

[Malice]

Where's chapter 13 ?

Coming...letting inspiration strike

[Drakon]

Coming...letting inspiration strike

Ill strike you!! :mad:

[InsomniacFreak]

Here's what to do to keep these episodes coming. Just ignore Malice completely or else spam the hell outta his thread. Either way seems to work best. See he tells you to shut up, then he feels bad for ignoring you in the first place, then he writes a scene. I have seen into the mind of evil. I know how it works.

Thanks, Malice. Nice of you to join us. That was a little on the efeminant side though. "You got excited from a PM? He had what you needed? ....Spunk?....Raw Passion?!?!?!?!?! " I um, don't know what to make of all that. (Bi-sexual Moderator From Hell?)

[Cloud Strife]

Sadly ,Malice was made in Mirko's factory of forum flunkys.Derived to obey every commmand

[The Evolutionist]

Are we ever to see episode 13?

[InsomniacFreak]

B U M P (Ban Unfit Moderator Please)

Malice has abandoned "the children of the thread" without seeing to their humourous welfare. What gives?

[Maxwinner]

The following errors occurred when this message was submitted:
Please complete both the subject and message fields. Press the back button, correct the problem and try again.







WHY DOESNT IT WORK! I CANT SEND PM'S OR MAKE NEW TREADS AT MAHJ COMP, ITS PHHHUUUUKKKIN WIERD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Cobblepot]

Goodstuff, never read it before.
I'll have to check this more often.

[Bathrat]

tagged.

[eyez0nme]

bumped

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 13
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

12:52pm
Malice pulls up his Ford SportTrac in the driveway from his weekly taunting of the homeless kids.

Walking in his office, he wiggles the mouse bringing the mighty PC back from its morning slumber. He quickly clicks Thunderbird, Firefox and Azureus to get a status of all his goings on.

Looking at Azureus, he sees his uploading of the new Microsoft source code for Windows Vista to all the warez sites around the world is going smoothly. Noone can find him. After bouncing his signal off four satellites, hacking 3 hi-tech companies, spoofing an Indian IP address, and then originating from his neighbor's open wireless connection, it continues smoothly.

Looking to Thunderbird he simply sees he has neglected his email for some time. l it will take some work to clean it all out. So Malice decides to remedy the situation. He employs his email registration scripts to register everyone who emailed him in the last 3 days to a series of medical websites for people with Genital Herpes and The Clap.
*DELETE*

Lastly, its time to check out Hype. Opening the browser it quickly points out I have only 2 PMs. How odd...

Opening them I see the following

1 - Reply from Mirko titled - Dude, you are the man.
2 - Reply from TheTick titled - You have got to be kidding

Opening the one from Mirko is see the following
Malice....John, I do trust you, and you know we should not be talking about things like this on an open line, about my past that is. Back to the subject.
TheTick, I trust that you have sufficiently have checked his background. My problem is this, you failed to talk to me about this. This is my site, not to be rude. Plus, he only has like 10 posts, what kind of signal are we sending to those that don’t have a few thousand posts?

I lean back in my chair thinking carefully as to what I wish to say, plotting the next 25 chess moves....

I reply..

Mirko, you and I know this site could not exist without me. I bring a certain "fun" aspect here. I am not threatening you, not at all. We are the best of friends and the fact I have detailed footage of your indiscretions should not at all diminish your authority in this matter. I will leave this to you and your wonderful judgment.

Your Friend,
Malice

I smile and send the message knowing what the outcome will be, so I promptly read the next message from TheTick:
You have got to be kidding. I am new here, and I think you are a stuck up, self-righteous *******. You are playing a New User gag on me, funny...ok, I give in. Have your laugh.

Why would I want to join you and running Hype?

Smiling I reply.
TheTick,

I picked you because I see something in you, a stupid anger I can mold into something that you can prophet from. Don’t grow up to become a garbage man like your father.

Join Me,

TheTick I am Your Father.

To Be Continued............

[Supergirl]

BLOODY BRILLIANT! :up: I missed you :(

[Holly Goodhead]

l dont understand these..are they real? :confused:

[Supergirl]

Most are based on encounters with you Tovie :o

[Holly Goodhead]

Are not. :confused:

[Supergirl]

Some are :confused:?

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 14
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

8:00pm (Sunday Night)

I grace Hype once more with my presence before heading to bed for the wonderful Monday charade I call work.

Logging in, I notice the usual 5 PMs I have sitting in my mailbox.
Opening them I see the following:

1- From Angel titled - When will me meet?
2- From sNiCkeRdOOdle titled - Y DO U NOT ANSWAR MAH MESAEGS?!????!
3- From SphincterBoy - I found you great porn!
4- From WasteOfSpace - I am being stalked!
5- From TimeWarnerExecutive - Great Deal

Reading Message 1 from Angel...
Malice, when are we going to meet? I so love your voice on Skype. I need you Malice!

Replying...
Angel, I do wish that we could meet in person soon, but one of the US Government agencies (which I have explained previously I work for) has decided to send me on a l little jaunt to England for about a month of investigational work. We can of course continue our lovingly chats on Skype while I can. I cant talk more at the moment, I must head to the airport.

Malice
(Hook line and sinker...............................)

Reading Message 2 from sNiCkeRdOOdle
(wait....I realize I actually OPENED IT! I promptly delete it and continue on.)

Reading Message 3 from SphincterBoy
(PORN! Yes I haven’t seen good porn in some time)
Surprise! No Porn!
HAH!

Promptly I open the Admin WebPage and simply DELETE the user and ban his IP, SubNet, UserName, Email and a few other modifications to the WebCode I have added.
How DARE him disgrace the name of PORN!

Reading Message 4 from WasteOfSpace
Help! I am being stalked by SphincterBoy

I smile and then think....hum...this could be fun...

I then create a new account called SphincterBoy, registered to me...unknowing to everyone else of course...and start "stalking" SphincterBoy even more....MUAHAHAHAH

Reading Message 5 from TimeWarnerExecutive
We at TimeWarner would love to offer a deal to you about Web Hosting
Pease contact me...

I file this away in a folder titled "executives to maul in the future"

More Satisfied customers!

More to Come....................

[Malice]

I look forward to your comments...heading to bed all...have a good night.

[Drakon]

Damn it feels good to have you back.

[Malice]

Bastard Moderator from Hell - 15
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell (http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html) stories from yester year)

7:34am (Monday morning)

Stumbling in the front door to the office, I somehow manage to make it to the elevator. (Like I will use the stairs to get to the 2nd floor). Instead of dropping off my laptop and backpack at my desk, I immediately bolt to the breakfast area hoping there is something left of my beloved liquid life left in one of the leaded pots. Eureka! Someone was kind enough to actually leave half a pot. Pouring myself a cup in the Styrofoam cup, my ambrosia steams to my satisfaction. Sipping the nectar of the gods I sigh happily.

I slowly wander to my cubicle caressing my cup ignoring all the morning people who are skipping around the office yelling, "Hi John! How are you?"

I drop my bag on my extra chair, turn my PC on and then unpack my laptop and turn it on. I finish my first cup of nectar and proceed to refill...needing my morning fuel.

9:43am (same morning)
I finally arrive at my desk from having my 7 cups of ambrosia; I sit down thinking its time to actually do my job. So I immediately open CNN.com and start reading the news, while drinking number 8.

10:28am (same morning)
Opening a browser I now decide Hype needs my attention. Opening one of my five web browsers, I click on the Hype bookmark and go to the forums.
Getting the PM popup, I hit cancel, not bothering to read PMs right now.
I venture directly into the lions den, Hype Community.

Seeing 192 people in the forums, I growl to myself, thinking I need to dish out some authority.

I open Community and see that EVERY thread is new to me since I last logged in yesterday. Damn its active!

The first Thread is titled - SHH Hotties, which would you Bang!?
Excitedly I pop in the thread and I see comments like this...

HEATHENS! Stop your sinful desires and turn to the light of God ....
Blah Blah Blah

*CLOSE* with a note...
Closed because we don’t need this religious crap around here...go bother the newsgroups....

I feel the above thread was a severe diversion from the real reason we are on the boards...the porn...I mean the enjoyment of others in the Comic Movie Community!

The second Thread is titled - Who will win the World Series?
I don’t bother reading, I simply post in it.

Damn you all, you all know the Astros will win.

The third Thread is titled - Our Planet Earth, we are killing it!
This thread by its title immediately grabs my attention, grinning evilly; I click on the link to enter it.

I see the first post is from a new user called "Mother Druid"
Fearing the name, I read on....

Dearest community of fellow Humans, we need to think, we need to act, we need to move forward or our dearest home, our cradle in the universe will perish because of us. Please ...... *IGNORE*

I immediately ignore the rest of the essay and hit the reply button.

Dearest Mother Druid, although we at SHH! appreciate your ludicrous rantings, please take your Dirt Munching, Tree Hugging views elsewhere so we can go on our merry way pouring battery acid and used motor oil in our sewers.

Thanks for your concern,
Yours Truly, Malice and the rest of the SHH! Users
*CLOSED*

More to come..........

[Ultimate_Superman]

I wish I were more like Malice :(

[Malice]

any thoughts on my latest 3 installments?

[Drakon]

Honestly--

You're a tad rusty. Not the same flair as they had before your departure. You're getting back with it, though.

[Malice]

OH NO!
TheTick has arrived! (http://superherohype.com/forums/member.php?u=33478)

[Equinox]

OH NO!
TheTick has arrived! (http://superherohype.com/forums/member.php?u=33478)

:D :up:

[Venom_uk]

Whey hey! It's back. :D:up:

[Malice]

Anyone have any "requests" ?

[Speedin Bullet]

Anyone have any "requests" ?

I think you should go on a killing spree that leaves none alive. But I always love those kinds of happy endings. :D

[Drakon]

:eek: Speedy!!!! Long time no see, bro! Glad to see you back. This a permanent thing?


As for requests--you should do the one thing you haven't covered yet--interaction with Non-Mirko staffers.

[Speedin Bullet]

:eek: Speedy!!!! Long time no see, bro! Glad to see you back. This a permanent thing?

You should know by now.....No one leaves the Hype! I will always come back from time to time to shake things up. ;)

[Malice]

BMFH is still growing....most likely an episode will be out tomorrow.

[The Evolutionist]

Dude, Malice, nice to see you back. These are good, but Drak's right, you're a little rusty.

[Webmistress]

I have requests, darling... but I don't think I can talk about them here....;)

[InsomniacFreak]

I look forward to your comments...heading to bed all...have a good night.

Aha! Evidence that someone has indeed stolen the login to Malice's Hype account. The Malice I remember from almost one year ago would never be so cordial.... :cool:

Geez man, Welcome back. Good stuff. Thought you took that "Bisexual Moderator from Hell" comment literally or something.

Keep em coming.

[twylight]

Aha! Evidence that someone has indeed stolen the login to Malice's Hype account. The Malice I remember from almost one year ago would never be so cordial.... :cool:


So you noticed too? ;)

OH NO!
TheTick has arrived! (http://superherohype.com/forums/member.php?u=33478)

It was fated to happen.


I'll join with the rest of the cheers at having you back. I missed the BMFH series. :up:

[The Lumberjack]

Finally, the much awaited return of BMFH series. I thought this was lost forever.