View Full Version : Five-Minute Spider-Man 3
SPIDER-MAN: Action sequence! Ha!
AUDIENCE: Alright! This movie's gonna be awesome!
MARY-JANE: Peter, I want to talk about our relationship.
Twenty minutes later...
AUDIENCE: MAKE IT STOP!
PETER: Let's get it on!
MARY-JANE: Ride me, Peter! Ride me like Seabiscuit!
AUDIENCE: GO BACK TO TALKING! GO BACK TO TALKING!
*
SPIDER-MAN: I'm back! I wonder who my arch-foe will be this time. After the high-tech, super-strong Green Goblin who knew my secret identity and the brilliant but evil Doctor Octopus, who will be my foil in this, possibly the last chapter of my epic saga?
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Hi. (pause) I turn into sand.
SPIDER-MAN: Right...
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: What?
SPIDER-MAN: Nothing, it's just that you don't even have a costume and you STILL look better than the Green Goblin.
*
MARY-JANE: Peter, our relationship is in crisis!
PETER: I know! It's...
Peter gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which he spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity."
PETER: Infidelity? Who would I cheat on you with!?
FELICIA: 'Sup?
*
MARY-JANE: Peter, I just don't want you to cheat on me.
PETER: Like you technically cheated on John Jameson by asking me to kiss you while you were still engaged to him?
MARY-JANE: ...I choose to ignore that because it does not reflect positively on me.
*
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Grr! Hate Spider-Man!
SPIDER-MAN: Man, he's got some ego. If I only I had a well-timed quip to puncture it. Ah well, I guess I'll just punch him instead.
AUDIENCE: Wait a minute! Where's the comedy that defines Spider-Man!?
JAMESON: 'Sup?
*
FELICIA: So what do you want to do; actually have an affair which would be interesting, but infuriate fans and family watchdog groups, or be wackily misunderstood, which is a cliche, but one that people will live with?
PETER: Hmmm... I'll do with wacky misunderstanding. Now c'mere so I can give you a supportive, friendly hug.
MARY-JANE: Gasp! You're cheating on me!
PETER: MJ, wait! It's not what it looks like.
MARY-JANE: That's what you said about the supportive, friendly massage you gave her!
MUSIC: Wak wak wak waaaaaaaaa....
*
HARRY: Alright, Thomas Haden Church, time to join forces!
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: As long as you don't make any Sideways jokes.
HARRY: ...You drive a hard bargain, Church. A hard bargain indeed.
*
PETER: If only there was a way to settle things between myself, you, and Mary-Jane without someone getting hurt!
FELICIA: Menage ala trois.
PETER: What was that?
FELICIA: Nothing... hey, Mary-Jane, wanna give me a supportive, friendly hug?
MARY-JANE: Pervert.
*
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Bwahahaha! I am the Sandman!
SPIDER-MAN: Drat!
GREEN GOBLIN 2: Bwahahaha! I am the SECOND Green Goblin!
SPIDER-MAN: Oh no!
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: And I am the second Doctor Octopus!
SPIDER-MAN: ...
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: I'm like the first Doctor Octopus, but I'm a chick!
GREEN GOBLIN 2: ...
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: I was in Secret War!
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: ...
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: ...I just wanted to be noticed.
*
PETER: I feel like I'm forgetting something.
AUNT MAY: 'Sup? I'm here to spell out the moral of the story.
PETER: Lay it on me.
AUNT MAY: Right. (ahem) Sometimes you have to give up the things you love in order to...
PETER: We already covered that.
AUNT MAY: We did? Okay. With great power comes...
PETER: Did it.
AUNT MAY: Ummm... sometimes God help those who help themselves?
PETER: You're not even trying anymore, are you?
AUNT MAY: Listen, I have ONE JOB in this lousy franchise! It's stupid, but you're going to get the support and guidance of an parental figure, GOT IT!?
*
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: So, which of us gets the big battle with Spider-Man?
HARRY: I get redeemed at the end, so you, I guess.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: I'm having the Best Week Ever!
*
SPIDER-MAN: Battle battle battle!
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Battle battle battle!
SPIDER-MAN: Ah-ha! Win win win!
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Defeat defeat defeat!
SPIDER-MAN: See, now this would be the perfect time for a well-timed quip.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Remember me as a peacemaker! Rosebud! Stay gold Ponyboy! GAK!
*
HARRY: Well, time for my Tragic Yet Ultimately Redemptive Death. And, of course, it would be quite thematic if it was similar to my father's death.
PETER: Well, any noble, redemptive last words?
HARRY: Yeah. Remember when I was dating Mary-Jane? I totally hit it!
PETER: ...See, this is why I'm not sad you're meeting your Tragic Yet Ultimately Redemptive End. When's that coming anyway?
HARRY: I don't... my God! That dog's about to be hit by traffic!
CAR ACCIDENT: HAPPEN!
PETER: Wait, there must be thematic similarities! Okay, I've got this... "Don't tell Harry."
HARRY: Don't tell me what? GAK!
PETER: That giving a supportive, friendly hug doesn't count as "hitting it."
*
PETER: So, time to resolve our romantic spat?
MARY-JANE: Just about. (pause) I love you, Peter!
PETER: I love you, Mary-Jane!
FELICIA: Well, sucks being me. I'll just go stand in the corner and look pretty.
MARY-JANE: Hey, that's MY job!
PETER: Baby, I'm gonna give you such a supportive, friendly hug that you won't be able to walk straight in the morning!
*
PETER: (narrating) And so we lived happily ever after... until the rent came do, after which we got together to do yet another sequel and cry about how we were supposed to be the Next Big Things. What the... HARRISON FORD!
HARRISON FORD: Sorry, kid, but there can only be one Worst Narrator in cinema. Ahem. "My wife called me sushi. Cold fish."
PETER: You win this round, Ford, but I'll be back!
PETER: (narrating) And so I would be... but that was a story for another time.
HARRISON FORD: (narrating) My wife told me to ride her. Ride her like Seabiscuit.
PETER: CURSE YOU!
GoldGoblin
04-20-2005, 01:09 AM
Love it. :up:
fallenAngel
04-20-2005, 01:50 AM
this was absolutley hilarious, I was going to point out my favorite part but I can't I loved the whole thing.
I liked the references to other movies, especially Rosebud and aunt mays "I have one job...." line
Spyda-Man
04-20-2005, 03:05 AM
dude, that was friggin funny, and u got time on your hands like nobody's business
TheVileOne
04-20-2005, 03:54 AM
That was more like the current Spider-man comics than the movies Zev. The movies are actually good.
Better than your fan fiction at least.
spider-jide
04-20-2005, 05:06 AM
Lmao
swingerbone
04-20-2005, 08:16 AM
damn... that's harsh man!
Cat_Woman108
04-20-2005, 08:52 AM
HAHAAH!!! That is TOO funny! LOL*
Riven
04-20-2005, 09:57 AM
Cool. :D
That was more like the current Spider-man comics than the movies Zev. The movies are actually good.
Better than your fan fiction at least.
Oooh. Left-handed compliment. It would be nice if you gave some constructive criticism of my fanfic over on its thread, though.
I like the movies too, I'm just having a little fun with them.
And I think a Five-Minute Spider-Man Comics would look something like this.
"Spider-Man, you get your powers from magic spiders!"
"Whoa!
"Spider-Man, Gwen and the Green Goblin had sex!"
"Whoa!"
"Spider-Man, now you have organic webbing!"
"Wh... wait, what?"
"Spider-Man, you're a member of the Avengers!"
"Wait a minute, hold it, hold it!"
"Spider-Man, Wolverine, your fellow Avenger, is hitting on your wife!"
"Who writes this ****?"
"Spider-Man, you're being tempted to infidelity by an underage girl who looks like her mother, Gwen Stacy."
"You people are sick. You're really, really sick."
"Spider-Man, Aunt May and Jarvis are gettin' biz-ay!"
"**** this, I'm going bowling."
Future Prez
04-20-2005, 11:46 AM
Go to the sequels forum and do another for 4, then if it's even half as good, it will warrant one for 5! LMAO!!
Silver S
04-20-2005, 11:51 AM
"I just want to be noticed. :(" lol.
fever red
04-20-2005, 01:02 PM
Ahh! I tried to read this while drinking soda...should have KNOWN better, I mean, I saw who posted it and all...
__Fave: Harry's Redemptive Death Scene
Elijya
04-20-2005, 01:59 PM
::clap clap::
Symbiotica
04-20-2005, 02:50 PM
"SPIDER-MAN: Action sequence! Ha!
AUDIENCE: Alright! This movie's gonna be awesome!
MARY-JANE: Peter, I want to talk about our relationship.
Twenty minutes later...
AUDIENCE: MAKE IT STOP!"
That has the ring of Foreshadowing to it, sad to say. Forgive the mixed metaphor.
panzertank
04-20-2005, 05:33 PM
Thanx dude, with all the moaning and groaning going around this forum, that made my day.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: So, which of us gets the big battle with Spider-Man?
HARRY: I get redeemed at the end, so you, I guess.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: I'm having the Best Week Ever!
so funny
Caliber
04-20-2005, 05:42 PM
LOL The first is hilarious.
Sue-Twin
04-20-2005, 09:29 PM
OMG!!! SOOOOO funny. LMAO!!!!!
"Ride me like Sea Biscuit." HAHAHAHAHHAAA! Good stuff. I'm glad things have lightened up with all the Haters and appreciation bull dumplings. Man it was crap in this forum.
The Squirrel
04-21-2005, 12:13 AM
awesome:up::up::up::up:
SpLiCeR
04-21-2005, 02:21 AM
Friggin hilarious, thanks for that! :)
Are those comments about the comics actually happening, makes me so glad I stopped getting them. I heard about the Gwen and Norman storyline, which makes me wonder if the rest is correct?
Danalys
04-21-2005, 03:58 AM
brilliant work zev.
Spadoinkle
04-21-2005, 04:42 AM
Nice one man, some really clever lines in there!
Saint
04-21-2005, 04:28 PM
Oooh. Left-handed compliment. It would be nice if you gave some constructive criticism of my fanfic over on its thread, though.
I like the movies too, I'm just having a little fun with them.
And I think a Five-Minute Spider-Man Comics would look something like this.
"Spider-Man, you get your powers from magic spiders!"
"Whoa!
"Spider-Man, Gwen and the Green Goblin had sex!"
"Whoa!"
"Spider-Man, now you have organic webbing!"
"Wh... wait, what?"
"Spider-Man, you're a member of the Avengers!"
"Wait a minute, hold it, hold it!"
"Spider-Man, Wolverine, your fellow Avenger, is hitting on your wife!"
"Who writes this ****?"
"Spider-Man, you're being tempted to infidelity by an underage girl who looks like her mother, Gwen Stacy."
"You people are sick. You're really, really sick."
"Spider-Man, Aunt May and Jarvis are gettin' biz-ay!"
"**** this, I'm going bowling."
http://www.brad-johnson.com/images/forum/owned3.jpg
Well, if you liked this (and are already reading my fan script), here's Five-Minute Fantastic Four (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5528238#post5528238). I hope it's worth it. Aunt Petunia is never gonna let me hear the end of it...
Alexia Dark
04-23-2005, 04:10 PM
LMAO! That was great.
Flare
04-24-2005, 04:06 AM
Damn that was hilarious. Good work.
MangaSpidey
04-24-2005, 06:45 AM
We do not share the same sense of humor...
Elijya
04-24-2005, 07:43 PM
We do not share the same sense of humor...
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/forumfun/whocares2.jpg
swingerbone
04-29-2005, 04:35 PM
I always await Zev's next work... quite the creative one ain't he!
You're funny.
I loved it.
ElectroFlare
04-30-2005, 10:35 PM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/forumfun/whocares2.jpg
Cool pic...
and 5 minute spidey rocks!
The Squirrel
04-30-2005, 10:47 PM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/forumfun/whocares2.jpg
HAHAHA...owned.
Just so everyone knows, there's a new fiver out. This time, the Zevster tackles Superman Returns (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?t=177611). Watch for a clever reference to this very fiver!
marvelisawesome
05-20-2005, 09:50 PM
What does Lmao stand for?
Alexia Dark
05-20-2005, 09:51 PM
It means 'Laughing My Ass Off'.
marvelisawesome
05-20-2005, 09:53 PM
ooooohhhh. Lmao to umm zev. Nice zev....nice.
hammerhedd11
05-30-2005, 08:53 PM
That was awesome Zev!!! ROTFLMAO!!!
TheShadow
05-31-2005, 09:36 AM
That was more like the current Spider-man comics than the movies Zev. The movies are actually good.
Better than your fan fiction at least.
HARSH! lol but somewhat true.
But that was a pretty good story:D
f00768500
05-31-2005, 10:04 AM
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!
Cosmic Storm: 'Sup... priceless
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!
Mike Chik's constant "dumbass" asides to the fanboys.... priceless.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!
Ioan singin' da blues... priceless.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!
I could go on, but my brain's about to rupture! what a treat for my birthday - thenk yew!
TrueBeliever
05-31-2005, 11:23 AM
"Cut, print, bring the next reel."
That was a good and much needed laugh where we're mostly bickering, sobbing, or pissing off each other. Its nice to just laugh at stuff sometimes.
That was a good and much needed laugh where we're mostly bickering, sobbing, or pissing off each other. Its nice to just laugh at stuff sometimes.
That's what it's all about, TB.
Symbiotica
05-31-2005, 05:11 PM
[clicks on "Black Cat narrates Black Panther" link]
Saints and angels preserve us from tooth-grindingly bad lameness, excuse the grammar!
"How did a horse get in my airspace without me knowing?"
"I guess he flew under the radar, sir." .......????!!!!!!!!!!
Here I was thinking BENDIS wrote bad dialog.
A SWORD TAKES DOWN A SUPERSONIC JET??!!! A *SWORD* cuts a plane in half?! A horse with wings outflies a fighter-plane?! Virtually a carousel-horse, too. And here I was thinking the Spidey books were not so hot right now...! Holy COW that book is bad. Without the funny commentary it would be unreadable!
God Almighty, save us all from the idiots at Marvel. Somebody! Superman! Flash Gordon! Anyone...! We need help!
It's a magic sword. And that's all I'll ever say in defense of Hudlin. At least Bendis makes a token effort to keep with continuity. Hudlin just makes **** up. I don't mean **** in the figurative ****, I mean it's literally ****.
Venomsixx
06-02-2005, 12:59 AM
Dude that was ****ing funny. Are you a comic?
Angry Sentinel
06-02-2005, 12:11 PM
Please tell me that took real time and effort, otherwise
GET OFF THESE FLAMMING BOARDS AND GO MAKE SOME REAL MONEY!!!
You know how something's so good you don't want to tell anybody about it you just want them to see it for themselves, That good!!
Lastly... the Hype should pay you, people probably sign onto these boards just looking for that kinda stuff!!!
TrueBeliever
06-02-2005, 12:15 PM
Yeah, I showed that to some friends who thought it was hilarious. Its even quotable!
WebHead63
06-02-2005, 01:23 PM
LMAO!!! I like the Spidey movies, but that was funny as HELL!
Besides, dude has got a point about movie-Spidey and his lack of quips!
Please tell me that took real time and effort, otherwise
GET OFF THESE FLAMMING BOARDS AND GO MAKE SOME REAL MONEY!!!
You know how something's so good you don't want to tell anybody about it you just want them to see it for themselves, That good!!
Lastly... the Hype should pay you, people probably sign onto these boards just looking for that kinda stuff!!!
Note to self... look up open mic nights in the area.
The Squirrel
06-02-2005, 02:35 PM
NICE :up: all your five minute work is great!
Bump to annouce Five-Minute Batman Begins (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6016865#post6016865). Yeah.
Spidey-Jason
06-23-2005, 07:39 PM
Bump to annouce Five-Minute Batman Begins (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6016865#post6016865). Yeah.
Thanks for the news ;) :spidey:
spiderfan08
06-23-2005, 08:27 PM
that is funny. can't wait to read bb.
Silverstein
06-23-2005, 09:10 PM
Zev, you rock. Can I use one skit as my sig?
"THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: So, which of us gets the big battle with Spider-Man?
HARRY: I get redeemed at the end, so you, I guess.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: I'm having the Best Week Ever!"-Zev
Like this?
Can't see why not. Go for it... it won't be the first time I've been quoted (and it's always an honor).
Prophet924
06-24-2005, 12:19 AM
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: I just wanna be noticed.
I called TBS and the operator said this thread was a laugh out loud but not too loud to wake my sleeping mother as I surf in her basement type of funny.
Thwipp!
Ben Grimm
06-24-2005, 12:53 AM
[QUOTE=ChineseFooD]
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: I'm having the Best Week Ever!"-Zev
/QUOTE]
Ohh man lol.
Mauser9910
06-24-2005, 04:35 AM
Oooh. Left-handed compliment. It would be nice if you gave some constructive criticism of my fanfic over on its thread, though.
I like the movies too, I'm just having a little fun with them.
And I think a Five-Minute Spider-Man Comics would look something like this.
"Spider-Man, you get your powers from magic spiders!"
"Whoa!
"Spider-Man, Gwen and the Green Goblin had sex!"
"Whoa!"
"Spider-Man, now you have organic webbing!"
"Wh... wait, what?"
"Spider-Man, you're a member of the Avengers!"
"Wait a minute, hold it, hold it!"
"Spider-Man, Wolverine, your fellow Avenger, is hitting on your wife!"
"Who writes this ****?"
"Spider-Man, you're being tempted to infidelity by an underage girl who looks like her mother, Gwen Stacy."
"You people are sick. You're really, really sick."
"Spider-Man, Aunt May and Jarvis are gettin' biz-ay!"
"**** this, I'm going bowling."
Now that's funny ! And sad. And true. :o ;)
Flare
06-24-2005, 01:35 PM
Bump to annouce Five-Minute Batman Begins (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6016865#post6016865). Yeah.
You are a genius...I must say it again...GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Five-Minute Fantastic Four 2 (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?t=194681) is alive! It's alive!
Alexia Dark
08-19-2005, 09:02 PM
Bump to annouce Five-Minute Batman Begins (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6016865#post6016865). Yeah.
Hey... don't diss Andy's music. I greatly enjoy singing it.
Gobbykillspidey
08-19-2005, 09:38 PM
FUNNY AS hELL
It's baaaaaaaaaaack.
Five-Minute Elektra. (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6908412#post6908412)
ninjaspyder13
10-07-2005, 11:47 PM
Excellent.
Some people would say that it's wrong to make fun of a movie about AIDS.
I am not one of those people.
Five-Minute Rent (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=7322349#post7322349)
Why? Because **** BOHEMIANS, that's why.
Five-Minute Spider-Man: The Other (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8095371#post8095371)
Because when comic books suck as much as comic book movies, something has to be done.
Niobe
03-12-2006, 05:01 PM
:D :D
You should e-mail it to Straczynski
ProjectPat2280
03-12-2006, 08:39 PM
Im in the minority apparently, but i didnt think that was funny.
General_Grievous
03-12-2006, 08:59 PM
Brilliant. I always enjoy these.
Shin-Natsume
03-13-2006, 08:40 AM
hnm reads better than that fake script that was released a while ago...
Brainiac 8
03-13-2006, 01:49 PM
LOL that's pretty funny.:up:
Enjoy a topical sneak preview with Five-Minute The Da Vinci Code 2: Da Vinci Harder (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8908214#post8908214)!
Capt Throbberson
05-21-2006, 11:57 PM
SPIDER-MAN: Nothing, it's just that you don't even have a costume and you STILL look better than the Green Goblin.
Too true
sag002
05-22-2006, 10:02 PM
I tip my hat to you. BRAVO!!
The Kid
05-22-2006, 10:10 PM
I love your fiver, zev.
Reikowolf
05-23-2006, 02:34 PM
Spidey in 5min eh?
1. Spider-Man, spider-man, save some girl talk to peeps. new characters (gwen! cpt. stacey! brock! )yay!
2. "grr I am brock I hate spidey" OH NO! THC..wait he's a thug.. go spidey
3. GG return.. but harry is a pussy.. wait! living suit made from gg formula!!! <-romance here..somewhere.. MJ >_< Gwen (TENSION!)
4. THC puts on suit..suit attacks THC and he becomes sand-like. symbiote also created from THC human dna!!! escapes! fight fight fight.. spidey has black suit!!! (somehow!) MJ:"BOO PETER I leave now" Pete: "Hi , Gwen!"
5. fight fight.. "Spidey don't kill sandman!" take ugly suit off. "grr I am brock.. OH no goo!" and Venom for SM4
The END
:D
Bump to annouce Five-Minute X-Men: The Last Stand. (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=9100554)
blitz
06-06-2006, 10:03 PM
haha LOLZ
Visionary
06-06-2006, 10:05 PM
You're whoring yourself pretty thin. :O
Goddessreicho
06-07-2006, 10:43 PM
Nice, you are gold my dear friend. Gotta love those hugs...
Oooh, can you do something with Topher Grace as Venom.
xwolverine2
06-07-2006, 11:03 PM
PETER: Like you technically cheated on John Jameson by asking me to kiss you while you were still engaged to him?
MARY-JANE: ...I choose to ignore that because it does not reflect positively on me.
AUNT MAY: 'Sup? I'm here to spell out the moral of the story.
ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
paulyfknt90
06-07-2006, 11:18 PM
HAHAHA THAT WAS THE BEST THING IV EVER READ!!!
AUNT MAY: 'Sup? I'm here to spell out the moral of the story.
PETER: Lay it on me.
AUNT MAY: Right. (ahem) Sometimes you have to give up the things you love in order to...
PETER: We already covered that.
AUNT MAY: We did? Okay. With great power comes...
PETER: Did it.
AUNT MAY: Ummm... sometimes God help those who help themselves?
PETER: You're not even trying anymore, are you?
LMAO! BEST THING EVRRR!!!
ComicKoryn
06-07-2006, 11:29 PM
That's some brilliant writing right there my friend, you should be in pictures (and I'm not being sarcastic)
Spiderine
06-08-2006, 12:25 AM
That's some brilliant writing right there my friend, you should be in pictures (and I'm not being sarcastic):up:
shigsy2003
06-08-2006, 02:45 AM
Hi
God that was funny, congrats man :)
Thirteen Shadows
06-15-2006, 11:44 AM
Love these Zev! :up:
weezerspider
06-15-2006, 02:16 PM
LOL. great job
Lucky6
06-15-2006, 04:25 PM
LMAO!!!! great work Zev!
Symbiote Hulk
06-15-2006, 05:15 PM
SPIDER-MAN: Action sequence! Ha!
AUDIENCE: Alright! This movie's gonna be awesome!
MARY-JANE: Peter, I want to talk about our relationship.
Twenty minutes later...
AUDIENCE: MAKE IT STOP!
PETER: Let's get it on!
MARY-JANE: Ride me, Peter! Ride me like Seabiscuit!
AUDIENCE: GO BACK TO TALKING! GO BACK TO TALKING!
*
SPIDER-MAN: I'm back! I wonder who my arch-foe will be this time. After the high-tech, super-strong Green Goblin who knew my secret identity and the brilliant but evil Doctor Octopus, who will be my foil in this, possibly the last chapter of my epic saga?
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Hi. (pause) I turn into sand.
SPIDER-MAN: Right...
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: What?
SPIDER-MAN: Nothing, it's just that you don't even have a costume and you STILL look better than the Green Goblin.
*
MARY-JANE: Peter, our relationship is in crisis!
PETER: I know! It's...
Peter gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which he spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity."
PETER: Infidelity? Who would I cheat on you with!?
FELICIA: 'Sup?
*
MARY-JANE: Peter, I just don't want you to cheat on me.
PETER: Like you technically cheated on John Jameson by asking me to kiss you while you were still engaged to him?
MARY-JANE: ...I choose to ignore that because it does not reflect positively on me.
*
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Grr! Hate Spider-Man!
SPIDER-MAN: Man, he's got some ego. If I only I had a well-timed quip to puncture it. Ah well, I guess I'll just punch him instead.
AUDIENCE: Wait a minute! Where's the comedy that defines Spider-Man!?
JAMESON: 'Sup?
*
FELICIA: So what do you want to do; actually have an affair which would be interesting, but infuriate fans and family watchdog groups, or be wackily misunderstood, which is a cliche, but one that people will live with?
PETER: Hmmm... I'll do with wacky misunderstanding. Now c'mere so I can give you a supportive, friendly hug.
MARY-JANE: Gasp! You're cheating on me!
PETER: MJ, wait! It's not what it looks like.
MARY-JANE: That's what you said about the supportive, friendly massage you gave her!
MUSIC: Wak wak wak waaaaaaaaa....
*
HARRY: Alright, Thomas Haden Church, time to join forces!
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: As long as you don't make any Sideways jokes.
HARRY: ...You drive a hard bargain, Church. A hard bargain indeed.
*
PETER: If only there was a way to settle things between myself, you, and Mary-Jane without someone getting hurt!
FELICIA: Menage ala trois.
PETER: What was that?
FELICIA: Nothing... hey, Mary-Jane, wanna give me a supportive, friendly hug?
MARY-JANE: Pervert.
*
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Bwahahaha! I am the Sandman!
SPIDER-MAN: Drat!
GREEN GOBLIN 2: Bwahahaha! I am the SECOND Green Goblin!
SPIDER-MAN: Oh no!
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: And I am the second Doctor Octopus!
SPIDER-MAN: ...
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: I'm like the first Doctor Octopus, but I'm a chick!
GREEN GOBLIN 2: ...
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: I was in Secret War!
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: ...
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: ...I just wanted to be noticed.
*
PETER: I feel like I'm forgetting something.
AUNT MAY: 'Sup? I'm here to spell out the moral of the story.
PETER: Lay it on me.
AUNT MAY: Right. (ahem) Sometimes you have to give up the things you love in order to...
PETER: We already covered that.
AUNT MAY: We did? Okay. With great power comes...
PETER: Did it.
AUNT MAY: Ummm... sometimes God help those who help themselves?
PETER: You're not even trying anymore, are you?
AUNT MAY: Listen, I have ONE JOB in this lousy franchise! It's stupid, but you're going to get the support and guidance of an parental figure, GOT IT!?
*
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: So, which of us gets the big battle with Spider-Man?
HARRY: I get redeemed at the end, so you, I guess.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: I'm having the Best Week Ever!
*
SPIDER-MAN: Battle battle battle!
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Battle battle battle!
SPIDER-MAN: Ah-ha! Win win win!
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Defeat defeat defeat!
SPIDER-MAN: See, now this would be the perfect time for a well-timed quip.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Remember me as a peacemaker! Rosebud! Stay gold Ponyboy! GAK!
*
HARRY: Well, time for my Tragic Yet Ultimately Redemptive Death. And, of course, it would be quite thematic if it was similar to my father's death.
PETER: Well, any noble, redemptive last words?
HARRY: Yeah. Remember when I was dating Mary-Jane? I totally hit it!
PETER: ...See, this is why I'm not sad you're meeting your Tragic Yet Ultimately Redemptive End. When's that coming anyway?
HARRY: I don't... my God! That dog's about to be hit by traffic!
CAR ACCIDENT: HAPPEN!
PETER: Wait, there must be thematic similarities! Okay, I've got this... "Don't tell Harry."
HARRY: Don't tell me what? GAK!
PETER: That giving a supportive, friendly hug doesn't count as "hitting it."
*
PETER: So, time to resolve our romantic spat?
MARY-JANE: Just about. (pause) I love you, Peter!
PETER: I love you, Mary-Jane!
FELICIA: Well, sucks being me. I'll just go stand in the corner and look pretty.
MARY-JANE: Hey, that's MY job!
PETER: Baby, I'm gonna give you such a supportive, friendly hug that you won't be able to walk straight in the morning!
*
PETER: (narrating) And so we lived happily ever after... until the rent came do, after which we got together to do yet another sequel and cry about how we were supposed to be the Next Big Things. What the... HARRISON FORD!
HARRISON FORD: Sorry, kid, but there can only be one Worst Narrator in cinema. Ahem. "My wife called me sushi. Cold fish."
PETER: You win this round, Ford, but I'll be back!
PETER: (narrating) And so I would be... but that was a story for another time.
HARRISON FORD: (narrating) My wife told me to ride her. Ride her like Seabiscuit.
PETER: CURSE YOU!
Sounds like something that would happen in Familly Guy. ROFL
Five-Minute Superman Returns (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=9425238#post9425238)
Galactical
07-07-2006, 12:22 AM
I'm laughing my ass off. Yup, No more ass for me. Mission accomplished, sir. :D
I should note that http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=9435289]Five-Minute Superman Returns is out.
For realzors this time.
Five-Minute Smallville: Zod (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=10247725#post10247725).
thespiderdaxund
10-02-2006, 08:38 PM
SPIDER-MAN: Action sequence! Ha!
AUDIENCE: Alright! This movie's gonna be awesome!
MARY-JANE: Peter, I want to talk about our relationship.
Twenty minutes later...
AUDIENCE: MAKE IT STOP!
PETER: Let's get it on!
MARY-JANE: Ride me, Peter! Ride me like Seabiscuit!
AUDIENCE: GO BACK TO TALKING! GO BACK TO TALKING!
*
SPIDER-MAN: I'm back! I wonder who my arch-foe will be this time. After the high-tech, super-strong Green Goblin who knew my secret identity and the brilliant but evil Doctor Octopus, who will be my foil in this, possibly the last chapter of my epic saga?
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Hi. (pause) I turn into sand.
SPIDER-MAN: Right...
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: What?
SPIDER-MAN: Nothing, it's just that you don't even have a costume and you STILL look better than the Green Goblin.
*
MARY-JANE: Peter, our relationship is in crisis!
PETER: I know! It's...
Peter gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which he spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity."
PETER: Infidelity? Who would I cheat on you with!?
FELICIA: 'Sup?
*
MARY-JANE: Peter, I just don't want you to cheat on me.
PETER: Like you technically cheated on John Jameson by asking me to kiss you while you were still engaged to him?
MARY-JANE: ...I choose to ignore that because it does not reflect positively on me.
*
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Grr! Hate Spider-Man!
SPIDER-MAN: Man, he's got some ego. If I only I had a well-timed quip to puncture it. Ah well, I guess I'll just punch him instead.
AUDIENCE: Wait a minute! Where's the comedy that defines Spider-Man!?
JAMESON: 'Sup?
*
FELICIA: So what do you want to do; actually have an affair which would be interesting, but infuriate fans and family watchdog groups, or be wackily misunderstood, which is a cliche, but one that people will live with?
PETER: Hmmm... I'll do with wacky misunderstanding. Now c'mere so I can give you a supportive, friendly hug.
MARY-JANE: Gasp! You're cheating on me!
PETER: MJ, wait! It's not what it looks like.
MARY-JANE: That's what you said about the supportive, friendly massage you gave her!
MUSIC: Wak wak wak waaaaaaaaa....
*
HARRY: Alright, Thomas Haden Church, time to join forces!
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: As long as you don't make any Sideways jokes.
HARRY: ...You drive a hard bargain, Church. A hard bargain indeed.
*
PETER: If only there was a way to settle things between myself, you, and Mary-Jane without someone getting hurt!
FELICIA: Menage ala trois.
PETER: What was that?
FELICIA: Nothing... hey, Mary-Jane, wanna give me a supportive, friendly hug?
MARY-JANE: Pervert.
*
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Bwahahaha! I am the Sandman!
SPIDER-MAN: Drat!
GREEN GOBLIN 2: Bwahahaha! I am the SECOND Green Goblin!
SPIDER-MAN: Oh no!
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: And I am the second Doctor Octopus!
SPIDER-MAN: ...
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: I'm like the first Doctor Octopus, but I'm a chick!
GREEN GOBLIN 2: ...
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: I was in Secret War!
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: ...
DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: ...I just wanted to be noticed.
*
PETER: I feel like I'm forgetting something.
AUNT MAY: 'Sup? I'm here to spell out the moral of the story.
PETER: Lay it on me.
AUNT MAY: Right. (ahem) Sometimes you have to give up the things you love in order to...
PETER: We already covered that.
AUNT MAY: We did? Okay. With great power comes...
PETER: Did it.
AUNT MAY: Ummm... sometimes God help those who help themselves?
PETER: You're not even trying anymore, are you?
AUNT MAY: Listen, I have ONE JOB in this lousy franchise! It's stupid, but you're going to get the support and guidance of an parental figure, GOT IT!?
*
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: So, which of us gets the big battle with Spider-Man?
HARRY: I get redeemed at the end, so you, I guess.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: I'm having the Best Week Ever!
*
SPIDER-MAN: Battle battle battle!
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Battle battle battle!
SPIDER-MAN: Ah-ha! Win win win!
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Defeat defeat defeat!
SPIDER-MAN: See, now this would be the perfect time for a well-timed quip.
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Remember me as a peacemaker! Rosebud! Stay gold Ponyboy! GAK!
*
HARRY: Well, time for my Tragic Yet Ultimately Redemptive Death. And, of course, it would be quite thematic if it was similar to my father's death.
PETER: Well, any noble, redemptive last words?
HARRY: Yeah. Remember when I was dating Mary-Jane? I totally hit it!
PETER: ...See, this is why I'm not sad you're meeting your Tragic Yet Ultimately Redemptive End. When's that coming anyway?
HARRY: I don't... my God! That dog's about to be hit by traffic!
CAR ACCIDENT: HAPPEN!
PETER: Wait, there must be thematic similarities! Okay, I've got this... "Don't tell Harry."
HARRY: Don't tell me what? GAK!
PETER: That giving a supportive, friendly hug doesn't count as "hitting it."
*
PETER: So, time to resolve our romantic spat?
MARY-JANE: Just about. (pause) I love you, Peter!
PETER: I love you, Mary-Jane!
FELICIA: Well, sucks being me. I'll just go stand in the corner and look pretty.
MARY-JANE: Hey, that's MY job!
PETER: Baby, I'm gonna give you such a supportive, friendly hug that you won't be able to walk straight in the morning!
*
PETER: (narrating) And so we lived happily ever after... until the rent came do, after which we got together to do yet another sequel and cry about how we were supposed to be the Next Big Things. What the... HARRISON FORD!
HARRISON FORD: Sorry, kid, but there can only be one Worst Narrator in cinema. Ahem. "My wife called me sushi. Cold fish."
PETER: You win this round, Ford, but I'll be back!
PETER: (narrating) And so I would be... but that was a story for another time.
HARRISON FORD: (narrating) My wife told me to ride her. Ride her like Seabiscuit.
PETER: CURSE YOU!
Hey where's Eddie Brock? Besides tht it was hilarious............"Stay gold Ponyboy" LOL I just read Outsiders:oldrazz:
Maxime
10-03-2006, 05:12 AM
Cliff note pls.
lol
ElectroFlare
10-03-2006, 11:15 AM
Hey where's Eddie Brock? Besides tht it was hilarious............"Stay gold Ponyboy" LOL I just read Outsiders:oldrazz:
This was written before Topher was cast.
batman7289
10-03-2006, 05:44 PM
stupid ass threads
lizard855
10-03-2006, 07:20 PM
LoL! Good job
Ebil Gig
10-03-2006, 07:23 PM
LOL I remember this thread :D
It still cracks me up.
Sillabub
10-03-2006, 08:52 PM
GOD, that's funny. Gee-hee-hee. God bless the silliness.
Since apparently the Smallville forum has a stick up its ass, here's Five-Minute Infinite Crisis (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?p=10295258#post10295258).
Alexia Dark
05-04-2007, 05:06 PM
I'm hoping for an updated version of this now that the film is actually out. Pretty please. I had a billion sugestions last night, but no paper. Of course, it was also 2:30 am.
Sloth7d
05-23-2007, 11:40 AM
Zev??? (http://boards.gamefaqs.com/gfaqs/genmessage.php?board=3&topic=35558032) :huh::huh::huh:
Fried Gold
05-23-2007, 11:51 AM
I'm hoping for an updated version of this now that the film is actually out. Pretty please. I had a billion sugestions last night, but no paper. Of course, it was also 2:30 am.http://http://ketsugami.livejournal.com/574493.html
The Lizard
05-23-2007, 12:00 PM
http://ketsugami.livejournal.com/574493.html
Fixed.
Sloth7d
05-23-2007, 12:38 PM
http://ketsugami.livejournal.com/574493.html
I LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Five-Minute Pirates of the Caribbean. (http://forums.superherohype.com/showthread.php?t=274833)
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