Zev
08-19-2005, 07:49 PM
Part the second of Five-Minute Fantastic Four. (http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?t=172559) I am also an avid fan of Batman Beyond. Grizzled!Bruce, hooah!
Avi Arad: So, Tim, how's it feel to launch a new Marvel franchise?
Tim Story: Pretty good. Everyone said I couldn't do it, after I screwed the pooch with Taxi, but I guess I showed them!
Avi Arad: Yes, you made a film that can stand proudly alongside greats like Spider-Man and X-Men.
Tim Story: Thanks, man.
Avi Arad: Now you're going to have to make a sequel that improves on the original, like Spider-Man 2 and X2: X-Men United.
Tim Story: ...crap.
***
Reed: How do you do, Mrs. Richards?
Sue: Just fine, Mr. Richards.
Tim Story: Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop, hold everything! There's no drama in married couples!
Reed: Yes, there is. There's a lot of drama!
Tim Story: P-shaw. Take two! And... rolling!
Reed: Well, two days until our wedding, honeybun.
Sue: Yes. And never call me honeybun again unless you want to be crushed by invisible boulders.
Reed: Oh, right, I forgot... You're a...
Sue and Reed: Tough Chick Who Is In Touch With Her Own Sexuality And Not Afraid To Dish It Out.
Sue: Anyway, this would be a good change for an opening action scene of us dealing with some threat, perhaps in the Negative Zone...
Tim Story: Sorry, we don't have the budget for that. Think smaller.
Sue: Right, maybe one of the Mole Man's monsters...
Tim Story: Smaller.
Reed: Ummm... one of my experiments could get out of hand...
Tim Story: Keep going.
Reed: With sexy results!
Tim Story: I like the cut of your gib! Say, where's Reed and Thing?
***
Ben: So we, the INTERESTING characters, are shuffled aside while the leads go through their insipid romance.
Doc Ock: GOD, I know exactly what you mean.
Chloe: And the worst part is when they shove it in your face. I was prom queen, yet LANA, who's involved with another man, gets to dance with Clark? What is that?
Lex: Yeah, that Clark is such a hussy.
All: ...
Lex: What? What'd I say?
Johnny: Can I lick your head for good luck?
Lex: No! Well, alright, maybe once...
***
Reed: Hmmm... drama, drama.
Sue: Thought of a subplot yet?
Reed: Damnit, Sue, I'm a doctor, not a screenwriter!
Sue: Hey, don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Maybe we can try later. Here, let me get you a drink.
Reed: Sue, it's just writer's block.
Sue: Well, I called the Parkers and they gave us something which might help.
Reed: "Lord of the G-Strings"?
Sue: No, that's for me.
Reed: Right, right, In Touch With Her Own Sexuality, I keep forgetting.
Sue gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which she spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity."
Reed: Wait a minute, infidelity? Since we're about to get married, wouldn't that make one of us look really scummy?
Sue: You're right. I'd better do it. After all, when a man cheats on his wife, it's monstrously evil, like in Fatal Attraction, but when a woman cheats on her husband, it's because she's in love and escaping a passionless relationship, like in Unfaithful... or The English Patient... or Bridges of Madison County... or...
Reed: Right, so who're you gonna cheat on me with?
Sue: ALMOST cheat on you with.
Reed: Whatever.
Sue: Well, I was thinking... Namor.
Namor: 'Sup?
Reed: NAMOR? He's a rude, domineering, arrogant, bully, whereas I am an intelligent, sensitive, charming man. Why him?
Sue: He looks really good in a speedo.
Namor: Fear the Bulge.
Sue: Almost ride me, Namor! Almost ride me like Seabiscuit!
***
Avi Arad: Wait a minute, Tim, you can't use Namor.
Tim Story: What? Why not?
Avi Arad: He's at another studio.
Tim Story: Alright... I'll use the Silver Surfer!
Avi Arad: Who?
Tim Story: He makes points about philosophy... while SURFING!
***
Silver Surfer: Kant would say that these waves are totally gnarly, but Marx would say that these babes are awesomely bodacious!
***
Avi Arad: Yeah, yeah, whatever. So long as it makes money.
Tim Story: You mean, "so long as it's faithful to the comics," right?
Avi Arad: That's what I said.
***
Ben: Right, time for my own subplot.
Ben gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which he spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity."
Ben: Man, is there any other relationship crisis in this thing?
Alicia: Well, I'm a black woman in a mainstream Hollywood movie. I can do no wrong.
Ben: So I'll just be a dick and assume you're cheating on me?
Alicia: Yeah, pretty much.
Ben: How DOES our relationship work, anyway? I mean, there's no WAY I could make love to you without causing you serious injury? Do I call in a ringer or...
Johnny: Hey, Alicia, I brought the K-Y Jel... well, this is interesting.
***
Johnny: Now I'm... trapped in the closet, yes I'm trapped in the closet...
***
Reed: Silver Surfer, you must not allow Galactus to eat our world.
Silver Surfer: Sorry, dude, but eating planets is totally rad!
***
Avi Arad: Sorry, Tim, you can't use Silver Surfer.
Tim Story: What, he's at another studio too?
Avi Arad: You could say that...
***
Annoucer: Point Break 2: This Time, It's Personal!
Keanu Reeves: I! Am a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent!
Silver Surfer: There are weird happenings at the Circle-K...
***
Reed: Okay, we can't use Namor, we can't use Silver Surfer... who can we use?
Dr. Doom: I'm back! This time I will totally crush you, blah blah blah...
Sue: Oh no, Dr. Doom! Yawn. He will... be the death of us... or something. Snoooooooooore...
Johnny: Wait, shouldn't I get a subplot about accepting responsibility or growing up or something?
All: Nah.
***
Avi Arad: Good job, Tim. Now you just have to make a film to compete with other third entries in comic book series, like X3: Brett Ratner Screw It Up, Batman Forever: Jim Carrey Cashs A Pay Check, and Superman 3: Superman Gets Drunk And Has Unprotected Sex With Total Strangers.*
*May not be actual subtitles.
Tim Story: Whew. Dodged a bullet there.
Avi Arad: Now ride me, Tim Story. Ride me like Seabiscuit!
Avi Arad: So, Tim, how's it feel to launch a new Marvel franchise?
Tim Story: Pretty good. Everyone said I couldn't do it, after I screwed the pooch with Taxi, but I guess I showed them!
Avi Arad: Yes, you made a film that can stand proudly alongside greats like Spider-Man and X-Men.
Tim Story: Thanks, man.
Avi Arad: Now you're going to have to make a sequel that improves on the original, like Spider-Man 2 and X2: X-Men United.
Tim Story: ...crap.
***
Reed: How do you do, Mrs. Richards?
Sue: Just fine, Mr. Richards.
Tim Story: Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop, hold everything! There's no drama in married couples!
Reed: Yes, there is. There's a lot of drama!
Tim Story: P-shaw. Take two! And... rolling!
Reed: Well, two days until our wedding, honeybun.
Sue: Yes. And never call me honeybun again unless you want to be crushed by invisible boulders.
Reed: Oh, right, I forgot... You're a...
Sue and Reed: Tough Chick Who Is In Touch With Her Own Sexuality And Not Afraid To Dish It Out.
Sue: Anyway, this would be a good change for an opening action scene of us dealing with some threat, perhaps in the Negative Zone...
Tim Story: Sorry, we don't have the budget for that. Think smaller.
Sue: Right, maybe one of the Mole Man's monsters...
Tim Story: Smaller.
Reed: Ummm... one of my experiments could get out of hand...
Tim Story: Keep going.
Reed: With sexy results!
Tim Story: I like the cut of your gib! Say, where's Reed and Thing?
***
Ben: So we, the INTERESTING characters, are shuffled aside while the leads go through their insipid romance.
Doc Ock: GOD, I know exactly what you mean.
Chloe: And the worst part is when they shove it in your face. I was prom queen, yet LANA, who's involved with another man, gets to dance with Clark? What is that?
Lex: Yeah, that Clark is such a hussy.
All: ...
Lex: What? What'd I say?
Johnny: Can I lick your head for good luck?
Lex: No! Well, alright, maybe once...
***
Reed: Hmmm... drama, drama.
Sue: Thought of a subplot yet?
Reed: Damnit, Sue, I'm a doctor, not a screenwriter!
Sue: Hey, don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Maybe we can try later. Here, let me get you a drink.
Reed: Sue, it's just writer's block.
Sue: Well, I called the Parkers and they gave us something which might help.
Reed: "Lord of the G-Strings"?
Sue: No, that's for me.
Reed: Right, right, In Touch With Her Own Sexuality, I keep forgetting.
Sue gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which she spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity."
Reed: Wait a minute, infidelity? Since we're about to get married, wouldn't that make one of us look really scummy?
Sue: You're right. I'd better do it. After all, when a man cheats on his wife, it's monstrously evil, like in Fatal Attraction, but when a woman cheats on her husband, it's because she's in love and escaping a passionless relationship, like in Unfaithful... or The English Patient... or Bridges of Madison County... or...
Reed: Right, so who're you gonna cheat on me with?
Sue: ALMOST cheat on you with.
Reed: Whatever.
Sue: Well, I was thinking... Namor.
Namor: 'Sup?
Reed: NAMOR? He's a rude, domineering, arrogant, bully, whereas I am an intelligent, sensitive, charming man. Why him?
Sue: He looks really good in a speedo.
Namor: Fear the Bulge.
Sue: Almost ride me, Namor! Almost ride me like Seabiscuit!
***
Avi Arad: Wait a minute, Tim, you can't use Namor.
Tim Story: What? Why not?
Avi Arad: He's at another studio.
Tim Story: Alright... I'll use the Silver Surfer!
Avi Arad: Who?
Tim Story: He makes points about philosophy... while SURFING!
***
Silver Surfer: Kant would say that these waves are totally gnarly, but Marx would say that these babes are awesomely bodacious!
***
Avi Arad: Yeah, yeah, whatever. So long as it makes money.
Tim Story: You mean, "so long as it's faithful to the comics," right?
Avi Arad: That's what I said.
***
Ben: Right, time for my own subplot.
Ben gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which he spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity."
Ben: Man, is there any other relationship crisis in this thing?
Alicia: Well, I'm a black woman in a mainstream Hollywood movie. I can do no wrong.
Ben: So I'll just be a dick and assume you're cheating on me?
Alicia: Yeah, pretty much.
Ben: How DOES our relationship work, anyway? I mean, there's no WAY I could make love to you without causing you serious injury? Do I call in a ringer or...
Johnny: Hey, Alicia, I brought the K-Y Jel... well, this is interesting.
***
Johnny: Now I'm... trapped in the closet, yes I'm trapped in the closet...
***
Reed: Silver Surfer, you must not allow Galactus to eat our world.
Silver Surfer: Sorry, dude, but eating planets is totally rad!
***
Avi Arad: Sorry, Tim, you can't use Silver Surfer.
Tim Story: What, he's at another studio too?
Avi Arad: You could say that...
***
Annoucer: Point Break 2: This Time, It's Personal!
Keanu Reeves: I! Am a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent!
Silver Surfer: There are weird happenings at the Circle-K...
***
Reed: Okay, we can't use Namor, we can't use Silver Surfer... who can we use?
Dr. Doom: I'm back! This time I will totally crush you, blah blah blah...
Sue: Oh no, Dr. Doom! Yawn. He will... be the death of us... or something. Snoooooooooore...
Johnny: Wait, shouldn't I get a subplot about accepting responsibility or growing up or something?
All: Nah.
***
Avi Arad: Good job, Tim. Now you just have to make a film to compete with other third entries in comic book series, like X3: Brett Ratner Screw It Up, Batman Forever: Jim Carrey Cashs A Pay Check, and Superman 3: Superman Gets Drunk And Has Unprotected Sex With Total Strangers.*
*May not be actual subtitles.
Tim Story: Whew. Dodged a bullet there.
Avi Arad: Now ride me, Tim Story. Ride me like Seabiscuit!