The Dirty Joke Thread

[rodhulk]

A young man went into a house of ill repute with $20. The Madam told him there was nothing available at the moment. So he started to leave but she stopped him and said for that amount she had something different he might be interested in. She said he could try it with a chicken. He said no way; but she talked him into trying it and if he didn't like it he wouldn't have to pay anything.

So he agreed to it and she took him into a little room with the chicken. After he finished, he told her that was the most disgusting thing he ever did and wanted his money back.

The next week he went back with $30. Again he was told that nothing was available for that amount. But as he turned to leave the madam told him she had something different that he might enjoy. He said no way, not the chicken. And she said no, there were two lesbians at work in a room and he could watch them through a one-way mirror.

He liked the idea and was led into a room with about 30 other people watching through a one way mirror. After about 20 minutes - he poked the guy next to him and said "This is pretty good." The guy said, "Yeah but it ain't nothing - you should have been here last week when a guy was in there with a chicken."

[Gamma Ray]

What do you call a woman with a penis?





















A man.

[C-$]

A young man went into a house of ill repute with $20. The Madam told him there was nothing available at the moment. So he started to leave but she stopped him and said for that amount she had something different he might be interested in. She said he could try it with a chicken. He said no way; but she talked him into trying it and if he didn't like it he wouldn't have to pay anything.

So he agreed to it and she took him into a little room with the chicken. After he finished, he told her that was the most disgusting thing he ever did and wanted his money back.

The next week he went back with $30. Again he was told that nothing was available for that amount. But as he turned to leave the madam told him she had something different that he might enjoy. He said no way, not the chicken. And she said no, there were two lesbians at work in a room and he could watch them through a one-way mirror.

He liked the idea and was led into a room with about 30 other people watching through a one way mirror. After about 20 minutes - he poked the guy next to him and said "This is pretty good." The guy said, "Yeah but it ain't nothing - you should have been here last week when a guy was in there with a chicken."

That's pretty funny! :D

[rodhulk]

That's pretty funny! :Dhere's another one for ya:


A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "lot's of other doctors have sex with their patients so it's not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel a little better until still another voice in his head said, "..... but they probably weren't veterinarians."

[Bat Attack]

I would tell the one about "Sandpaper Sally" but I'm to lazy to type it all.

[C-$]

here's another one for ya:


A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "lot's of other doctors have sex with their patients so it's not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel a little better until still another voice in his head said, "..... but they probably weren't veterinarians."

Damn, that's even funnier! :up:

[rodhulk]

I would tell the one about "Sandpaper Sally" but I'm to lazy to type it all.Great, just bloody great! Now you got me all curious. :mad:

[Gamma Ray]

What do you call a woman with a vagina?















A normal woman.

[rodhulk]

Damn, that's even funnier! :up:And yet another:

This drunk staggeres into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to the bar.
"Get out of here!" says the bartender.
"I gotta go to the bathroom," slurs the drunk.
"I said get outta here or I'll throw you out!!" yells the bartender.
"I gotta go baffroom," says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers.
"Hold on, hold on" says the bartender. "Allright, you can go to the bathroom, but afterwards get the frig out of my bar!"
The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes, everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar. Another loud scream from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers run to the bathroom. There's the drunk sitting down.
"What the heck is going on?" asks the bartender.
"I went and everytime I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!" says the drunk.
"Why, you stupid jerk!" said the bartender. "You're sitting on my mop bucket!!"

[Alexafades2blak]

A blond is pulled over for speeding

-Cop: can i see your drivers license please?
-Blonde: whats that?
-Cop: its that card with your picture on it
-Blonde: oh here it is

*said the blond after searchin in her purse

-Cop: and can i have your registration?
-Blond: whats that?
-Cop: its those papers saying that this is your car
-Blond: oh (searchin frantically again) here you go.

then the cop unzips his fly and takes his penis out of his pants

-blond: oh no! not another breathalyser test!

[Bat Attack]

^ Ahahahahaha!!!

[C-$]

And yet another:

This drunk staggeres into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to the bar.
"Get out of here!" says the bartender.
"I gotta go to the bathroom," slurs the drunk.
"I said get outta here or I'll throw you out!!" yells the bartender.
"I gotta go baffroom," says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers.
"Hold on, hold on" says the bartender. "Allright, you can go to the bathroom, but afterwards get the frig out of my bar!"
The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes, everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar. Another loud scream from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers run to the bathroom. There's the drunk sitting down.
"What the heck is going on?" asks the bartender.
"I went and everytime I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!" says the drunk.
"Why, you stupid jerk!" said the bartender. "You're sitting on my mop bucket!!"

You're loaded! :up:

[Alexia Dark]

Ok, ok, I've got one... I hate knowing it, but...

A kid and his parents were walking through a park one day, and the kid sees two dogs ****ing.

"Mommy," the kid asked,"What are the dogs doing?"

"Making cakes," the mother replied.

The next day, the kid goes to his mom.

"Mommy, did you and daddy make cakes on the sofa last night?"

Shocked, the mother replies, "Yes, we did."

The kid says," I thought so. I licked the icing off of the sofa :)."

[Bat Attack]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! Oh man I have to tell my friends that one. Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[C-$]

Ok, ok, I've got one... I hate knowing it, but...

A kid and his parents were walking through a park one day, and the kid say two dogs ****ing.

"Mommy," the kid asked,"What are the dogs doing?"

"Making cakes," the mother replied.

The next day, the kid goes to his mom.

"Mommy, did you and daddy make cakes on the sofa last night?"

Shocked, the mother replies, "Yes, we did."

The kid says," I thought so. I licked the icing off of the sofa :)."

THAT'S SICK & HILARIOUS! :D :up:

[Bat Attack]

Heres one,

Little Miss Hubard went to the cupboard to get old rover a bone. When Little Miss Hubard bent over, Rover drove her, and soon she discoverd that Rover had a bone of his own!

[rodhulk]

Ok, ok, I've got one... I hate knowing it, but...

A kid and his parents were walking through a park one day, and the kid sees two dogs ****ing.

"Mommy," the kid asked,"What are the dogs doing?"

"Making cakes," the mother replied.

The next day, the kid goes to his mom.

"Mommy, did you and daddy make cakes on the sofa last night?"

Shocked, the mother replies, "Yes, we did."

The kid says," I thought so. I licked the icing off of the sofa :)."Here's another kid joke for you, you sick.....

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hands. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally,' the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students hold up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says "it's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!"

[C-$]

Here's another kid joke for you, you sick.....

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hands. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally,' the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students hold up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says "it's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!"

Where did you get these jokes from ?

[Jolie_Desastre]

Johnny deeper


i don't remember how this goes but oh well


johnny deeper loved cookies. one day this annoying girl that had a crush on johhnny had a bag of cookies.
johnny-can i have a cookie?
girl-only if you give me a kiss on the cheek
johnny didn't want to but he loved cookies so he did
johnny-that was great can i have another
girl-only if you give me a kiss on the lips
again he didn't want to but he wanted the cookie

johnny- can i have another
girl-only if ya go upstairs to your room and get naked under the sheets with me

soe they go upstairs and johnny and the girl get naked under the sheets.

all of a sudden johnny's lil sis walks in "johhny deeper!" and she runs off to tell her mom, his mom walks in "johnny deeper" and she runs off to tell his dad, he walks in "johnny deeper!"

johnny- fo god's sakes this is as deep as i can go!

[Bat Attack]

Lol

[Bat Attack]

These jokes are great. Keep them coming!

[Jolie_Desastre]

ok ok here's is one that webby reminded me of

one day a little indian boy is sitting with his dad when he asks

"dad where do our names come from?"
dad- "well whenever a baby is born and we open up the tp the first thing we see is what we name it."
boy-" like my uncles walking deer, and growling bear?"
dad-yes ofcourse, why do you ask two dogs f***ing?

[Bat Attack]

Ahahaha!

[Gamma Ray]

These jokes are great. Keep them coming!


Thank you!


What do you call a man with a penis?














A normal man!

[Alexia Dark]

What do you call a man in my world who abuses a woman?








































Castrated!

[Jolie_Desastre]

lol i posted a joke about that in another thread

[rodhulk]

Where did you get these jokes from ?Just passed on through work and friends. I got a ton of them, not all dirty, but alot of jokes. If you guys keep reading them, I'll keep posting them (and you guys keep posting too, they're all great :up:). And with that, here's another one:


This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "gimme whiskey."
The bartender says, " I'll have to see your money first."
"I'm broke, sorry, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on stage and fart dixie!"
The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding.
Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder.
Then he proceeds to crap all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.
The bartender screams" You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not crap all over my stage!"
The guy replies, "Hey, even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"

[hey yo its sean]

I'm afraid that if i post my jokes, people won't like me anymore. They're hilarious, but pretty offensive.

[rodhulk]

I'm afraid that if i post my jokes, people won't like me anymore. They're hilarious, but pretty offensive.You can take a chance, at least some of them I'm sure would be OK. :up:

[C-$]

Just passed on through work and friends. I got a ton of them, not all dirty, but alot of jokes. If you guys keep reading them, I'll keep posting them (and you guys keep posting too, they're all great :up:). And with that, here's another one:


This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "gimme whiskey."
The bartender says, " I'll have to see your money first."
"I'm broke, sorry, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on stage and fart dixie!"
The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding.
Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder.
Then he proceeds to crap all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.
The bartender screams" You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not crap all over my stage!"
The guy replies, "Hey, even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!"

:up:

[ScottyBBadd]

I would tell the one about "Sandpaper Sally" but I'm to lazy to type it all.

Me too.

[nosebleed.]

I'm afraid that if i post my jokes, people won't like me anymore. They're hilarious, but pretty offensive.

just make sure they are not pc. pc sucks.

[rodhulk]

Final one of the night for me:


If Niagra falls, Viagra........

The difference between Niagra and Viagra? Niagra falls.

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

If I give my computer monitor Viagra, will the screen get bigger?

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you"ll get a stiff neck.

[TheAlmightyFuzz]

2 of the jokes in here I heard when I was like 8 and 5 billion times since then, unfortunately they were never funny.

[rodhulk]

2 of the jokes in here I heard when I was like 8 and 5 billion times since then, unfortunately they were never funny.But then that means all the others are which is a pretty high precentage. :up:

[TheAlmightyFuzz]

But then that means all the others are which is a pretty high precentage. :up:
yea, actually they were

[psychocheeseman]

why does micheal Jackson like twentyone yr olds?
















there's 20 of them.....

[Gamma Ray]

I have a good one:

A boy dares a girl to climb a tree one day. The girl does it, while the boy is looking from right under her. That night the girl tells her mother about the dare and the mother says that the boy only wanted her to climb the tree so that he could look up her skirt and see her panties.

The next day the girl sees the boy again and he dares her. She climbs and he looks up again. Her mother spots her and tells her to come down. They go home and the mother asks why she climbed again when she was informed that the boy is only daring her to climb to see her panties. To which the girl responds: "But mom, I did listen to you. I didn't wear any panties today!"

[Dew k. Mosi]

These are funny, so far, but let's keep them humorous and not offensive to race, religion or sexuality, ok?

[unknownuser]

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[Downhere]

I have a good one:

A boy dares a girl to climb a tree one day. The girl does it, while the boy is looking from right under her. That night the girl tells her mother about the dare and the mother says that the boy only wanted her to climb the tree so that he could look up her skirt and see her panties.

The next day the girl sees the boy again and he dares her. She climbs and he looks up again. Her mother spots her and tells her to come down. They go home and the mother asks why she climbed again when she was informed that the boy is only daring her to climb to see her panties. To which the girl responds: "But mom, I did listen to you. I didn't wear any panties today!"

That was funny...I liked that one!

Here's another one:

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"


The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[C.F. Kane]

What's the difference between light and hard?

















It's possible to sleep with a light on.

[WeaponZ2]

Heres one,

Little Miss Hubard went to the cupboard to get old rover a bone. When Little Miss Hubard bent over, Rover drove her, and soon she discoverd that Rover had a bone of his own!


Old mother Hubard went to her cupboard to get her poor dog a bone. When she lent over, Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.

You said it wrong.

[WeaponZ2]

Three old lades are sitting on a bench in the park when out of no ware a man jumps out and flashes them
The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke and the third cant reach.

[rodhulk]

Great ones, guys and gals. Keep 'em comin. :up: :D

[rodhulk]

Didn't we already have a joke thread :/

Anyways

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

Once on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU", To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"Yeah, there's been a couple, but this one is devoted entirely to dirty jokes (however, as Dew rightly put it), there must still be an understanding that this is a public board and not to get too offensive.

And btw, welcome back to the joke threads. :up:

[rodhulk]

This stand up guy is performing in a club one night and he asks the audience if anyone had ever had sex with a ghost?

As he's about to go on, somebody in the back raises their hand.

The stand up is confused as he didn't expect anybody to raise their hand. So he asks, "You sir, with your hand raised, you've had sex with a ghost?"

To which the guy with his hand raised replies, "Oh, no, sorry, I thought you said goat!"

[Charlie No-One]

A an old woman, on her death bad asks her sister to have this written on her tombstone:

Born a virgin
Lived a virgin
Died a virgin

The Tombstone Company thought this was way too long so they just put:

Returned unopened.

[rodhulk]

OK, it's saturday night, let's get this htread alive and kickin again. I'll be back in a couple of minutes with another one.

[Golgo-13]

Ok, ok, I've got one... I hate knowing it, but...

A kid and his parents were walking through a park one day, and the kid sees two dogs ****ing.

"Mommy," the kid asked,"What are the dogs doing?"

"Making cakes," the mother replied.

The next day, the kid goes to his mom.

"Mommy, did you and daddy make cakes on the sofa last night?"

Shocked, the mother replies, "Yes, we did."

The kid says," I thought so. I licked the icing off of the sofa :)."
:up:

[Golgo-13]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this ******!".

[Golgo-13]

Another:

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[Golgo-13]

Another:

One day at home, a wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[Golgo-13]

Another:

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely **** my pants."

[Golgo-13]

Another:

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to **** girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

[JLBats]

Another:

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely **** my pants."

LMAO. This is the first one I laughed at:D

[Golgo-13]

Another one (funny but true.....!)

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

[C-$]

Another one (funny but true.....!)

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

Nice!:up:

[rodhulk]

Two drunks, Chuck and Manny, wake up one morning. Manny says, "How the heck are we gonna get drunk today? I only got forty cents."

Chuck says, "Gimme the money, I've got an idea." He goes into a deli, comes out with a hot dog and says "Come on. Let's got to the bar."

When they get to the bar, Chuck pulls down Manny's zipper, sticks in the hot dog, and pulls the zipper up tight enough to hold it in. Then he says "Follow me," and they walk into the bar.

He orders two Rum & Coke, and they drink them down. When the bartender says "Pay up," Chuck drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog. The bartender says "Get out of here, you homos!"

Fifteen bars later, they do the same routine. They're bombed. Chuck says "Listen, it was a great idea I had. We got bombed on forty cents, but we gotta stop. Every time I drop to my knees I smash 'em on the floor. I can't take it anymore."

Manny says, "You can't take it anymore? We lost the hot dog after the fourth bar!"

[Themanofbat]

Rocky saw a familiar girl that he approached, and asked, “Hey Andria, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Andria, you have on a pair of pink panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, “Rocky that is unlike a gentleman to say such a thing”; slapping him and walking off the dance floor.

He didn’t give it a second thought and proceeded to his next prospect, a girl he once met at a party; he approached her saying, “Hey Rosalia, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Rosalia, you have on a pair of blue panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know?” He said “Well I could see them in the reflection of my shoe.” She said, Rocky, you are such a pig”, slapping him and walking off the dance floor.

Still determined to get laid while having a good time, but less assured by is new image, he approached another girl who had a promiscuous reputation. He said, “Hey Delanna you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Delanna, what color panties are you wearing?” She said, “I’m not wearing any panties Rocky”. He said, “Well that’s good Delanna”. She said, “Ohhhh Rocky, why do you ask?”

He said, “There for a moment I thought I had a scratch on my new shoes.”

[Themanofbat]

A Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle and a Great Dane found themselves in the waiting room at the veterinary office.
Spaniel to the Poodle: "Why are you in here?"
Poodle: "Well, I peed in the house one too many times, and my owners have decided it was time to put me to sleep.
Why are you here?"
Spaniel: "I've got a very bad temper, and I the other day I bit two of the neighbor's kids. So, my owners are having me put to sleep too." He turns to the Great Dane and asks, "Why are you here?"
Great Dane: "Well my owner is a beautiful blonde who walks around the house all day in the nude. Yesterday I couldn't take it any more and when she was on her knees doing something on the floor, I mounted her."
Spanial: "So, why are you here?"
Great Dane: "I have to get my nails clipped." :D

[Themanofbat]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Crown Royal whisky and women with big tits."

:)

[Themanofbat]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling, humming and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? "

He said, "I'm NOT happy - MY BUTT ITCHES!!!"

:rolleyes:

[Themanofbat]

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

:)

[Golgo-13]

^Nice!

Another:

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[Golgo-13]

Another:

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[Golgo-13]

I love this one:

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the $h!t house door off a tuna boat!"

[Golgo-13]

Another:

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real *******, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old *****." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"

[Golgo-13]

Here's two more then i'm done for now:

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my a$$ in line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this f***ing' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the f***ing manager okay? I mean what kind of $h!t is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this god-damned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this f***ing check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this f***ing ****** won't help you?!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another:

A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a $h!t. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of $h!t sticking to your fur"? The bunny says "No". So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his a$$.

[unknownuser]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[Fry's Girl!!]

Ok, ok, I've got one... I hate knowing it, but...

A kid and his parents were walking through a park one day, and the kid sees two dogs ****ing.

"Mommy," the kid asked,"What are the dogs doing?"

"Making cakes," the mother replied.

The next day, the kid goes to his mom.

"Mommy, did you and daddy make cakes on the sofa last night?"

Shocked, the mother replies, "Yes, we did."

The kid says," I thought so. I licked the icing off of the sofa :)."


:eek: Ewwww :eek:

...


...


But still funny.

[TheSumOfGod]

I have one that will seem a little racist towards black people, but if you read it all the way to the end, you'll realize that it was a little racist towards WHITE people instead (Mods, if you don't like it, just delete it and send me a message, PLEASE don't ban me, I REALLY don't think this is offensive):


Two black guys are walking down the street, and suddenly they see a medical clinic with a sign saying: "Become WHITE in ONE HOUR for only 99 CENTS!".

The first black guy turns to his friend and says: "Wow! Finally, the solution to all our problems, and only for 99 cents! I've got one dollar, how much do you have?"

"Dammit! I've got only 98 cents!"

"I tell you what: I'll go in first, give them my dollar, and get a penny back! That way, when I come out an hour later, I'll give you the penny, so you'll be able to become white too!"

They agree, and the black guy with a dollar goes in first, and his friend waits outside. An hour later, he comes out with pale skin, blond hair and blue eyes! His friend can't believe it! He's really become a white man!

He says: "Wow, that's amazing! Now give me the penny!", to which his now white friend replies: "F*** you, n*****, get a job!"

:eek: :D

[unknownuser]

^ Hahaha

here is the infamous Superman joke from Hollow Man:

So Superman's flying around the city, and he's horny as hell. Lo and behold he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, completely nude, sunning herself up on the roof of the Justice League. I mean she is lying there naked and spread eagle. So Superman starts thinking, "Man... this is too easy. I could go down there, do a little fast pumping and be gone before she even sees me." After all he is faster than a speeding bullet, right? Anyway, he swoops down, takes care of business so quick, you can't even see him. Well... I tell ya. Wonder Woman looks up, surprised as hell and says "What the hell was that." And the Invisible Man replies "I dunno know, but it sure hurt like hell."

[AmonRa]

Here is a link to great joke, that unfourtunatly is a little too bad for here!

Great Joke! (http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?DarthMortis)

[Golgo-13]

Here is a link to great joke, that unfourtunatly is a little too bad for here!

Great Joke! (http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?DarthMortis)

What's the meaning of this...:mad:?

[TheSumOfGod]

I think SOMEONE likes to waste other people's time...

[C.F. Kane]

I have one that will seem a little racist towards black people, but if you read it all the way to the end, you'll realize that it was a little racist towards WHITE people instead (Mods, if you don't like it, just delete it and send me a message, PLEASE don't ban me, I REALLY don't think this is offensive):


Two black guys are walking down the street, and suddenly they see a medical clinic with a sign saying: "Become WHITE in ONE HOUR for only 99 CENTS!".

The first black guy turns to his friend and says: "Wow! Finally, the solution to all our problems, and only for 99 cents! I've got one dollar, how much do you have?"

"Dammit! I've got only 98 cents!"

"I tell you what: I'll go in first, give them my dollar, and get a penny back! That way, when I come out an hour later, I'll give you the penny, so you'll be able to become white too!"

They agree, and the black guy with a dollar goes in first, and his friend waits outside. An hour later, he comes out with pale skin, blond hair and blue eyes! His friend can't believe it! He's really become a white man!

He says: "Wow, that's amazing! Now give me the penny!", to which his now white friend replies: "F*** you, n*****, get a job!"

:eek: :D

That's pretty good!

I heard a variant of that. It was two Jews, the operation was free and there was a $200 dollar reward for getting the operation. The punchline was "Did you get the $200?" "Jesus, it's all about money with you Jews, isn't it?" :o

[Golgo-13]

Please guys, don't cause this thread to get closed with the racial jokes and whatnot....

[TheSumOfGod]

Please guys, don't cause this thread to get closed with the racial jokes and whatnot....

My joke wasn't racist. But THIS ONE is:

These two ******* are walking down the street, and one says: "Hey ******, did you ever **** that ***** who lives next door?"

And the other ****** says: "Sure, Tina? I **** that ***** every night this week!"

And then the first ****** says: "But, wait a minute, I ****** that ***** every night this week! And I didn't see you there, ******!"

To which the other ****** answers: "Listen, you ****** ******* ******, if I ****** **** that ***** Tina, you **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ****!"

LOL! :D

[unknownuser]

My joke wasn't racist. But THIS ONE is:

These two ******* are walking down the street, and one says: "Hey ******, did you ever **** that ***** who lives next door?"

And the other ****** says: "Sure, Tina? I **** that ***** every night this week!"

And then the first ****** says: "But, wait a minute, I ****** that ***** every night this week! And I didn't see you there, ******!"

To which the other ****** answers: "Listen, you ****** ******* ******, if I ****** **** that ***** Tina, you **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ****!"

LOL! :D
that's ****** ***** :up: :D

[AmonRa]

What's the meaning of this...:mad:?
Thats funny HAHAHAHA :eek: :eek:

YUMMY YUMMY

[Assassin]

why dont u guys just post in my joke thread :( why did u have to go and make another:(

[Golgo-13]

^Merge! Merge! Merge!

[Golgo-13]

My joke wasn't racist. But THIS ONE is:

These two ******* are walking down the street, and one says: "Hey ******, did you ever **** that ***** who lives next door?"

And the other ****** says: "Sure, Tina? I **** that ***** every night this week!"

And then the first ****** says: "But, wait a minute, I ****** that ***** every night this week! And I didn't see you there, ******!"

To which the other ****** answers: "Listen, you ****** ******* ******, if I ****** **** that ***** Tina, you **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ****!"

LOL! :D
Idiocy at it's best. :down

[Golgo-13]

Another:

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."...... :rolleyes:

[JokerFish]

More jokes please...

[rodhulk]

why dont u guys just post in my joke thread :( why did u have to go and make another:(Actually, this is my second joke thread. the other one got merged and it died. This one, however, should not get merged for 2 reasons:

1) It will probably get deleted from the Hype one day when some REAL DIRTY jokes get said. This way the other merged joke threads won't get deleted off the Hype forever (in case they get resurrected again).

2) This joke thread is specific to 'dirty jokes' and not 'all' types of jokes, so it should be on it's own.

[rodhulk]

^Merge! Merge! Merge!NO NO NO!!!!!!!!

[rodhulk]

More jokes please...Pretty soon......

[rodhulk]

OK, let me check to find a couple of dirty jokes for some of you sickos out there. I'll be back.

[Kritish]

What does micheal jackson have in common with santa ?

he always leaves the kids room with an empty sack

[Golgo-13]

Another:

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
__________________________________________________ ___________________
Another:

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!”

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk looks down and see's the guy's shoe over the girls snatch and replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."

[Spider-Nerd]

Another:

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."...... :rolleyes:
hehe., that one's good.

[unknownuser]

A girl to a priest: please explain devil, hell and heaven

Priest: the thing betweeen both my legs is called a DEVIL, the thing between both ur legs is called hell...capture devil inside hell and youll see heaven

[rodhulk]

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

[psychocheeseman]

this might be going a little too far but......






Q: When do u know its time to stop going down on your 8 year old girlfriend?











A: When her dad pulls you away from the coffin!!!!!




sorry thats sick and wrong....dirtiest joke i have ever heard....

[The Chairman]

A man works at a pickle factory. He comes home from work one day and says to his wife, "You know, honey, I really want to put my penis in the pickle cutter. "No,", the wife responds. The next day he comes from work and says to his wife again, "Honey, I really wanna put my penis in the pickle cutter". Once again, the wife responds, "No". The next day he comes home from work feeling down. "What's wrong?" the wife asks. "I got fired, he responds. "Why?", asks the wife. The man responds, I put my penis in the pickle cutter. The wife is now angry. "Oh," she says. "What happened the pickle cutter?" He responds, "She got fired too".

[rodhulk]

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber sticky thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

[psychocheeseman]

Q:what noise does a baby make in the microwave?





















A: i don't know either, i was too busy masturbating............

[The Chairman]

Q: What does Michael Jackson call a school bus?























A: Meals On Wheels

[HULK LOVER]

Q: WHY WOULD SOME WANT TO MAKE STEW OUT OF A DOMESTIC RABBIT??




A:SO he could taste the trust!!!

[passerby]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

[JLBats]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

I found this joke oddly arousing.

[Alexia Dark]

The part you didn't read:

She smacks him against a wall, empties his wallet, then kicks him in the nuts :up: :).

[passerby]

I found this joke oddly arousing.

Sadly so did I.

[passerby]

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"

[passerby]

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[passerby]

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

"Yes officer?"

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

"I am 25 Officer."

"And the girl?"

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[Alexia Dark]

Lmao!!!

[passerby]

Lmao!!!

which one?

[JLBats]

Hahahahahahaha.

[jaguarr]

Q: WHY WOULD SOME WANT TO MAKE STEW OUT OF A DOMESTIC RABBIT??




A:SO he could taste the trust!!!

Why are you going back and bumping old threads started by "rodhulk"? Is it because YOU are rodhulk?

jag

[Alexia Dark]

which one?

It was in response to the first one, but the second was pretty awesome too :up:.

[passerby]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.

[passerby]

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

[passerby]

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."

[JLBats]

More:(

[passerby]

More:(

If you say so

[passerby]

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

[passerby]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

[The Comedian]

Warning: Gross
What Did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?















See you next month!

[passerby]

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

[The Comedian]

An 80 year old man goe to the doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks the old may how he's feeling.

The old man says "I'm feeling fantastic Doc!, I've got a beautiful 20 year old wife who I just found out is pregnant with our first kids!"

The doctor says, "let me tell you a story, I had another patient about your age who loved to hunt, but he was getting a bit senile in his old age. One day he went out, but realized when he got to the forest that he had brought his cane instead of his gun. Just as he was about to leave, he saw a magnificent looking young beaver standup on a nearby log. Just for fun, he pointed his gun at the beaver and yelled out BANG BANG! and the damn beaver fell over dead! Now what do you think happened there?"

Old Man: I'd say another man fired a couple rounds into that young beaver"

Doctor: "My Point exactly."

[passerby]

A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick.

For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights!

So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of ****."

So the man said, "Shut up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

[Noon]

The Catholic Church interviewed three couples who wanted to join their church to see if they could wait to have sex until after they were married. They interviewed an older couple, a young couple and an even younger couple.

They talked to each couple and eventually asked each of them to go home and to see if they could keep their promise to see how faithful they were to the church, and to come back in one month to have another interview.

A month passes and the couples return for their second interview. The older couple go in first.

"So, did you manage to keep your vow?" Asked the priest

The couple look ashamed.

"No, we waited as long as we could but gave in at the last moment."

"Well I'm sorry but we can't let you join our church" Replies the priest sadly.

The young couple go in next.

"So, did you manage to keep your vow?" Asked the priest

The young couple look ashamed.

"No, after one week it became too much and we gave in."

"Well I'm sorry but we can't let you join our church" Replies the priest sadly once more.

Last the younger couple go in.

"So, did you manage to keep your vow?" Asked the priest

The man speaks up.

"No, on the first day she bent to get something from the freezer and I just couldn't resist, I took her right there."

"That's terrible, I'm sorry but we can't possibly let you in our Church" Exclaims the priest.

The man speaks again.

"Yeah, we're not allowed in Tesco's anymore either."

[rodhulk]

Why are you going back and bumping old threads started by "rodhulk"? Is it because YOU are rodhulk?

jagHahahahahahahaha! Another Hype lowlife.

[rodhulk]

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

"Yes officer?"

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

"I am 25 Officer."

"And the girl?"

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes.":up: Great one.

[rodhulk]

This stand up guy asks his crowd.....
"Has anyone ever had sex with a ghost?"
Not expecting anybody to lift their hand, he's about to go on when he notices somebody's hand up way in the back row.
He finds this real odd, so he asks "You, sir, with your hand up, you've had sex with a ghost?"
The guy with his hand up quickly puts it down and replies... " No, no, sorry, I thought you said goat!"

[rodhulk]

Got a great one here:

A husband and wife decided they needed to use the "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their child in on it. They decided on the word 'Typewriter.'
One day, the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later, the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."