CAP Alert

[Elijya]

Over the past few years, the CAP Alert website has brought me volumes of entertainment. For those of you not familiar with it, CAP Alert (which stands for Childcare Action Program) is a Christian website that evaluates movies based on what the bible says is bad. Now, in theory, that’s not such a bad idea, but the humor comes in with the absolutely delusional fundamentalism of the man who runs the site (who is also a vicious anti-gay activist, on the side). You cannot help but laugh as he insists over and over again about the supposed scientific validity of his completely bull**** system.

You can’t help but crack up when someone considers the fact that “the hate mail has slowed to a trickle” as a major victory. :rolleyes:

But now, oh no, it seems the website is in trouble! Seems the author relies on donations to keep the funds going, and for some reason, people just aren’t opening their pockets to his miracle system like they used to anymore. And so, unfortunately new movies are not reviewed unless someone pays to fund the review of something specific.

How much does it take to do a “review”? Why, site owner Tom Carder will do a certified (by himself) Christian review of the film of your choice for a mere $350! What a bargain! Now, you may be skeptical and may ask “Are you ****ing nuts, Tom? You go to the movies and count the number of times someone says “****”! Movie ticket is $10, $20 with popcorn and a drink.” Oh, but the process is so much more involved. Read how the complicated test Tom invented is worth your $350 http://www.capalert.com/whatdoesittake.htm

So now you see how your money is justified. For a mere $350, Tom will count every punch, every curse word, every nipple, every buttcrack, every lie about evolution, every magic spell, and every dirty slimy homosexual FOR YOU, so you can make the choice of slapping down $10 to go see it yourself a little easier.

Although, personally I don’t think Tom is strict enough, since he doesn’t call the costuming department of every film to see if people wore mixed fibers on set. :rolleyes:




Frankly, I CHEER every time he gives a film a “zero”. Thus far, only 4 movies have been badass enough to earn this ranking: Freddy vs Jason, Scary Movie, American Psycho, and Sin City (who would have thought? :rolleyes: )


Here’s the full list of reviews if you feel like a good laugh
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/index.htm

[Golgo-13]

What a pathetic thread; By an even more pathetic individual.

[Darthphere]

Doesnt that make you even more pathetic?

[Kevin Roegele]

What a pathetic thread; By an even more pathetic individual.

LMAO

[DACrowe]

I love thissite for entertainment. When there is anything pollitically incorrect, crude, overly violent, immensly entertaining or just plain old open-minded and thought-provoking and tolerant, I go to this site to watch them swat it down with their fundamentalist babble from the Middle Ages. Well I used to, it gets old after a few months and then I noticed he wasn't getting enough funds and was stopping.

So wow, $350 a pop eh? Well a movie costs $5.75 for matinee or less (which he would see as he doesn't want to be out at dark) so he should be able to review himself. $350 to see a movie. What a greedy sob.

Hilarious!

[Elijya]

What a pathetic thread, by an even more pathetic individual.
so... you're mad at me because I thought you were christian? :confused:

[DACrowe]

I just skimmed a few reviews, I recomend the Kingdom of Heaven review. I know not many liked it (though I did) but what he says about "tolerance" is hilarious. He justifies being a bigot every chance he gets.

Hilarious!

[WarBlade]

From: http://www.capalert.com/whatdoesittake.htm
Typically, the local theater manager lets me view the film without charge since this is a nonprofit Christian ministry. But only the local theater manager.

After all forms (five) are opened and organized, the data gathered and identifying information must be input into the CAP analysis computer model which uses more than 30 mathematical operations/equations per report to generate the scoring distribution.

So you pay $350 dollars (extortion) to have some twerp get into a movie for free (theft) and sit there with his flashlight (disturbing the peace) making tallies on pieces of paper while other people are trying enjoy a movie? (Haha)

Ha! I only need one sheet of paper when I do screen tests! :p

Seriously though, if I saw that going on in the crowd, he'd be hauled out of there pronto. :up:

[terry78]

Haha...Amityville Horror got a negative score.

[Elijya]

Haha...Amityville Horror got a negative score.
No it didn't, you're looking at the wrong number. The 1979 version got a 36, the 2005 version got a 13.

[Golgo-13]

Doesnt that make you even more pathetic?
For what? Look at what the threads about? Or answering such an idiotic question as yours?

[Elijya]

dude, are you on the rag or something?

[HR-PUFF&STUFF]

"The idea of people without Word-based ethics having access to the button makes me glad we have a Christian President."

[Elijya]

wtf does that even mean? :confused:

[HR-PUFF&STUFF]

wtf does that even mean? :confused: Equilibrium (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/equilibrium.htm)

[The Question]

Man, this guy HATED Dogma. As in, how a white supremicists father feels about his daughter's black boyfriend hatred. Just because the guys behind Dogma had somewhat thought provoking and open minded veiws on religion, this guy says they're going to burn in hell for not being good little Christian automotons.



Also, when reading his reveiws on the X-men movies, he said that Mystique was naked, and was far more "indecently exposed" than anyone at publuc beaches. She was wearing way more than what most people wear to public beaches these days.

[CrimsonMist]

Man, this guy HATED Dogma. As in, how a white supremicists father feels about his daughter's black boyfriend hatred. Just because the guys behind Dogma had somewhat thought provoking and open minded veiws on religion, this guy says they're going to burn in hell for not being good little Christian automotons.


sounds like my uncle when i told him about Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter.

if a movie makes fun of Jesus, or portays him in a humorous way, and same goes for God, the people who thought of it are mindless morons, who God wont forgive.

but me on the other hand, anything that involves Jesus using Kung Fu moves to dispatch of athiests and God speaking to Jesus through an ice cream cone is the funniest thing ever.

[Golgo-13]

dude, are you on the rag or something?

No i just like ragging on the likes of you.:up:

[Darthphere]

Wow, your attempt at being clever amazes me.

[The Question]

sounds like my uncle when i told him about Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter.

if a movie makes fun of Jesus, or portays him in a humorous way, and same goes for God, the people who thought of it are mindless morons, who God wont forgive.

but me on the other hand, anything that involves Jesus using Kung Fu moves to dispatch of athiests and God speaking to Jesus through an ice cream cone is the funniest thing ever.


Wow. I really need to see Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. Sounds fun. Oh, and have you ever read battle pope? It's a comic set in a post apokoliptik world where the Pope is a gun toting sword weilding superhero, and Jesus is his hippy stoner side kick.

[Elijya]

Equilibrium (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/equilibrium.htm)
ugh

and look, what a hypocrite

"To begin this, I must tell you that due to scheduling conflicts, I had to leave 75 minutes after the start of Equilibrium which is claimed to be a 107 movie. I will share with you what I was able to gather. "

yes, I'm sure leaving before the film ended really lends credit to the "scientific accuracy" of your system you keep promoting

[The Question]

Have you read his reveiw of the X-men movies? He said that the X-men got their powes from the devil, and that Nightcrawler was delightfulkly un-PC. What was un-PC about Nightcrawler?

[Elijya]

it's unPC not to be a white christian american

[Golgo-13]

Wow, your attempt at being clever amazes me.

:rolleyes:

[The Question]

it's unPC not to be a white christian american



Yeah, but this guys said that Nightcrawler's beiong Christian was refreshing and delightfully un-PC. What I want to know is, what was un-PC abpout Nightcrawler being Christian?

[CrimsonMist]

Wow. I really need to see Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. Sounds fun. Oh, and have you ever read battle pope? It's a comic set in a post apokoliptik world where the Pope is a gun toting sword weilding superhero, and Jesus is his hippy stoner side kick.

hahahaha, no, ive never read that. I have to check that out now though. Sounds great.

and yes, Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter is funny. Very low budget, but timeless nonetheless

[The Question]

I'll try and check it out. Also, have you seen Jesus Christ: Super Cop? It's Jesus as a homicide detective with an atitude. It's an online thing.



Also, Battle Pope is written by Robert Kirkman, creator of Invincible and Walking Dead, and current writer of Marvel Team Up.

[Elijya]

yup, damn good books, all.

[The Hero]

I'll try and check it out. Also, have you seen Jesus Christ: Super Cop? It's Jesus as a homicide detective with an atitude. It's an online thing.Got a link?


What homosexuals REALY do!**WARNING**Contents may be extremely stupid. (http://www.capalert.com/sexedabcdisney/whathomosdo.htm)

[The Hero]

Elijya...you may want to turn your head for this one (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/kungpow.htm).

[terry78]

^ Baby thrown down rocky hill? That is quite possibly the funniest phrase I have read all day.

[raybia]

What a pathetic thread; By an even more pathetic individual.

Man, you just insulted a Global mod. Not very bright!:(

[Darthphere]

He wasnt a mod back then, but hes definitely on "the list"

[raybia]

He wasnt a mod back then, but hes definitely on "the list"


Guess its wise to be careful of who you insult on the SHH eh? Never know who may become a mod.

By the way Darth. You seem like a cool guy!;)

[reggiebar]

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/8mm.htm

The 8MM review rocks!

[reggiebar]

SOme of the reviews of the films that this cat can't even get through, because he had to leave the theater are too funny. This topic is one of my favorite link topics in a long time.

Check out these gems...

200 Cigarettes
Bad Santa
Belly
The Birdcage
Jacka: The Movie (one his best rants ever)

[Wilhelm-Scream]

Hah, thanks for reminding me of that Elijya. I too have enjoyed it over the years but I forget to check back.

[The Hero]

I am a hard and severe man and can break three sandwiched boards with a single forward punch...but I could not stomach this movie

Is there some sort of female fanbase he's trying to appeal to,or does he just want to look like a badass in front of his internet friends?

[The Hero]

His review ofBowling for Columbine (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/bowlingforcolumbine.htm) is insane,even if you hate Michael Moore.

And poor K-Mart. Moore showed up on the doorstep of corporate K-Mart with two of the Columbine victims, claiming there were K-Mart 9mm bullets still in these boys, wanting to return the bullets. Never mind that Harris and Klebold could have bought the bullets anywhere. But since Harris and Klebold chose to buy them at K-Mart, Moore decided to crucify K-Mart, as if K-Mart were responsible for the decisions of Harris and Klebold to murder the Columbine students.


And,on the very same page

Marilyn Manson: "Ya put on a record and its not gonna yell at you for dressing the way you do [while Manson was dressed in Satanic garb]. It's gonna make you feel better about it." I wonder if Moore realized that with this interview comment Moore perfectly revealed the negative influence of such entertainment which he seems to so staunchly deny. A followup commentary was "Some will be so brash to ask if we believe that all who hear Manson tomorrow night will go out and commit violent acts? The answer is 'No!.' But does everybody who watches a Lexus commercial go and buy a Lexus? No. But a few do!" Apparently the "few who do" go out and commit violent acts under the influence of Manson (and many others) are disposable.


Hypocrisy is beautiful.:up:

[DDRSkata]

Over the past few years, the CAP Alert website has brought me volumes of entertainment. For those of you not familiar with it, CAP Alert (which stands for Childcare Action Program) is a Christian website that evaluates movies based on what the bible says is bad. Now, in theory, that’s not such a bad idea, but the humor comes in with the absolutely delusional fundamentalism of the man who runs the site (who is also a vicious anti-gay activist, on the side). You cannot help but laugh as he insists over and over again about the supposed scientific validity of his completely bull**** system.

You can’t help but crack up when someone considers the fact that “the hate mail has slowed to a trickle” as a major victory. :rolleyes:

But now, oh no, it seems the website is in trouble! Seems the author relies on donations to keep the funds going, and for some reason, people just aren’t opening their pockets to his miracle system like they used to anymore. And so, unfortunately new movies are not reviewed unless someone pays to fund the review of something specific.

How much does it take to do a “review”? Why, site owner Tom Carder will do a certified (by himself) Christian review of the film of your choice for a mere $350! What a bargain! Now, you may be skeptical and may ask “Are you ****ing nuts, Tom? You go to the movies and count the number of times someone says “****”! Movie ticket is $10, $20 with popcorn and a drink.” Oh, but the process is so much more involved. Read how the complicated test Tom invented is worth your $350 http://www.capalert.com/whatdoesittake.htm

So now you see how your money is justified. For a mere $350, Tom will count every punch, every curse word, every nipple, every buttcrack, every lie about evolution, every magic spell, and every dirty slimy homosexual FOR YOU, so you can make the choice of slapping down $10 to go see it yourself a little easier.

Although, personally I don’t think Tom is strict enough, since he doesn’t call the costuming department of every film to see if people wore mixed fibers on set. :rolleyes:




Frankly, I CHEER every time he gives a film a “zero”. Thus far, only 4 movies have been badass enough to earn this ranking: Freddy vs Jason, Scary Movie, American Psycho, and Sin City (who would have thought? :rolleyes: )


Here’s the full list of reviews if you feel like a good laugh
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/index.htm

Hate mail has slowed to a trickle because he blocks e-mail addresses that send hate mail, or even dissenting opinions presented in a civil manner. Of the five e-mail addresses I've pointed out holes in their arguments with, only two were responded to and all were blocked.

[The Hero]

They actualy responded?What did they say?

[DDRSkata]

I can't find the e-mails, but they basically tried to shoot my arguments down by twisting Bible verses.

[The Hero]

Eyes Wide Shut (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/eyeswideshut.htm) and Eurotrip (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/eurotrip.htm),two more movies this guy walked out on.

Interesting quote from his Nanny Mcphee review:

To address the likely issue, Nanny McPhee is not a "Mary Potter" or "Harry Poppins" film from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Sorcery. The film does not hail Nanny as a witch as did each of the Harry Potter films [Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets; the Goblet of Fire; the Prisoner of Azkaban; the Sorcerer's Stone]. Her "magic" was not used for evil purposes. The use or the user of the "magic" does not determine its holiness or unholiness. The source of it does. As the Mary Poppins character could have been an angel, so could Nanny McPhee have been an angel. If all "magic" were evil, Jesus would have sinned as He used His "magic" (holy power) to heal the sick, raise the dead and make the lame walk and the blind see.


This is the same guy who said that Gandalf was of unholy nature.So when a man other than Jesus uses magic,it's evil,but when a woman does it it's okay?Reverse-sexism!:mad: :p

[Elijya]

Elijya...you may want to turn your head for this one (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/kungpow.htm).
read it awhile ago, but thanks for keeping me in mind

[Assassin]

that movie sucks any ways, i hate him not for the review, but that he paid to see it. (kung pow)

LOL..wht are ya gonna do mr mod, block me?:D

[Elijya]

no, I thought I might try... not being baited that easily

[Assassin]

you didnt respond to my pm you suck up..at least a thank you or something..like i said, power blinds you :(

[Elijya]

No, what blinded me was the speed of all the PM notification boxes popping up yesterday with every last person on hype writing to say "congrats". The blindness prevented me from writing responses to each and every single one of them


but thanks ;)

[DDRSkata]

By the way, Elijya, congrats. :D:up:

[Elijya]

thanks for not using a PM, DDR :up:

[The Hero]

Rushmore (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/rushmore98.htm)

I normally do not make a suggestion of whether to watch a show but I will suggest that you do not bother with "Rushmore." It was ....... nothing, just nothing.

I wonder how much hate mail he got for that review alone.

[Wilhelm-Scream]

Our model will not permit film analysis or scoring without an investigator actually watching it.

Wow, this guy IS a pro!
:rolleyes:

[Assassin]

Rushmore (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/rushmore98.htm)



I wonder how much hate mail he got for that review alone.

lol, i kinda agre on with him on this one

[The Question]

Got a link?

Warning: People say **** and **** alot. I don't care, but for some reason the mods do:

http://www.channel102.net/show.php?show=12

[The Hero]

Warning: People say **** and **** alot. I don't care, but for some reason the mods do:

http://www.channel102.net/show.php?show=12
"That's Nietzsche.He killed my father."

That line has made my day.:up:

[Wilhelm-Scream]

I make a lot of money nowadays. I should save up pocket change until I have $350 in dimes and nickels and pay him to review Pink Flamingos or Salo:The 100 Days of Sodom. :)

[Elijya]

Salo:The 100 Days of Soddom. :)
holy ****, I just read the summary for that. Is that even legal to own in the US?

[Wilhelm-Scream]

I know. I can only guess that, a lot of it's implied and they found some preternaturally youthful-looking teens. :confused:
I've seen it for sale on many obscure movie sites. :confused:

[Elijya]

and I thought KIDS was ****ed up....

[The Hero]

A Knight's Tale (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/knightstale.htm)
Note that the homosexual inference by the use of two major songs by homo/bisexual artists, "We Will Rock You" [Queen] and "Golden Years" [Bowie] is not likely accidental. So every sporting event in history has chosen to play "We Will Rock You" in order to promote the evil gay agenda?

American Beauty (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/americanbeauty.htm)
And Thora Birch, one of the two actresses in the movie who permitted the world to see their femine attributes is reported to be only 17 years old! Since the threshold of acceptability of gratuitous nudity content has now sleezed into the lives of 13-year old kids and even younger (ref: Titanic - PG-13, The Fifth Element - PG-13, others), why not let younger and younger girls bare themselves onscreen? Maybe in another few years 16 year old girls will be permitted to participate in this enlightened and progressive freedom? In a few more years, 15, 14, 13.......? (if the Bride is not collected before then).


Oh,no!So you're telling me that Titanic was just step one in a master plan to turn all movies into hardcore child pornography?I'll alert my local congressman!:eek:

Freaky Friday (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/freakyfriday2003.htm)
Damaging content included young Harry Coleman (Ryan Malgarini), about 9 years old, with two same-aged boys (Hayden Tank and Cayden Boyd) donning brassieres belonging to his 15 year old sister, Annabelle (Lindsay Lohan) then Harry rubbing the cups while pretending to moan with "o-o-o-o, o-o-o." What a thing to have little kids do in and as entertainment for little kids! I guess the writers were suffering the "you'll thank me when you're older" syndrome. Now those three kids (and maybe those who watch) are a little more worldly with a little more of their childhood stolen from them.
Damn,I watched that with my nephew.Does that mean I deserve a milestone tied around my neck?:(

Bad News Bears (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/badnewsbears.htm)
May Heaven help the writers of this film just on the other side of their last breath.
It's official:If they don't like your movie,you're going to hell.:up:

[The Hero]

Son of the Mask (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/sonofthemask.htm)
So, Son of the Mask is the first R-PG film. How coincidental ... and perfectly suggestive. "RPG" is also the abbreviation for a weapon. A Rocket Propelled Grenade. And so is this film a weapon -- a weapon of moral assault. I wonder what would happen to the morals and ethics of your child(ren) and the stability of their concept of reality if this cinematic RPG explodes in their minds.
Wait,you're condemning other movies for violent imagery,yet you just painted the mental image of firing a rocket-launcher into a kids head.Nice work.

Sugar & Spice (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/sugar&spice.htm)
Cleo (Melissa George) is in love with Conan O'Brien.
For a second there I thought he was going to go into a rant about how it's convenient that this vile film references Conan O'Brian,well-know for his mocking of our savior,portraying him as a gun-totting,NASCAR-driving heathen.I guess he knew if he wrote that than several of those death threats would become a reality.Oddly enough,while he seems very offended by male flatulence,the female flatulence in this movie goes unnoted.Maybe he has a fetish?That would explain the moral overcompensating.

Kingdom of Heaven (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/kingdomofheaven.htm)
A few words about the Crusades. While the entire affair was indeed heinous, if some group of people were attacking your group of people, stealing your property, burning it to the ground, stealing your land, taking your women and children and killing the men, wouldn't you fight back? I could be wrong but I somehow doubt it would be God's Will that I stand back and let the oppressors have their way with my family whose care is my charge: that it would be in such a case a sin to instead do nothing. When Jesus spoke to us about turning the other cheek [Matt. 5:39], He was not speaking to letting somebody kill you or your family. He was speaking to not seeking revenge. [Rom. 12:19] This is why the Crusades may not have been in accordance with His Will but rather in violation of it since, on the surface anyway, the Crusades might have been the seeking of revenge. Stand fast in and defend your faith in Jesus but don't seek to get even with those who slander you for it. God will implement justice in His way in His day.

He's.Defending.The Crusades.

I'm speechless.

[The Hero]

I make a lot of money nowadays. I should save up pocket change until I have $350 in dimes and nickels and pay him to review Pink Flamingos or Salo:The 100 Days of Sodom. :)
We all need to pool our money together and get him to review A Dirty Shame,Jesus is Magic,Saw I & II,Dirty Love,and Jesus Christ:Vampire Hunter.

Rules of Attraction (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/rulesofattraction.htm),yet another movie he walked out on(after fourteen minutes!).

The mother of all CAP Alert reviews:The Rocky Horror Picture Show! (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/rockyhorror.htm)

That sound you just heard was your mind eating itself.:o

[The Question]

"That's Nietzsche.He killed my father."

That line has made my day.:up:


My favorite is this:


"I'm immortal. I have a clone army. I went to college. You can't beat me."

[The Question]

He's.Defending.The Crusades.

I'm speechless.


Yeah. That was pretty ****ed up. This is my favorite line:


"if some group of people were attacking your group of people, stealing your property, burning it to the ground, stealing your land, taking your women and children and killing the men, wouldn't you fight back?"

That is true. And you know who was doing alot of th stealing, burning, and killing? The christians. Not that the other sides weren't doing it too, but the Christians were doing it just as much.

[Kurosawa]

I'd like to see his review of the Aristocrats.

[BlackSymbiote]

Isn't this the same site that listed 13 Going On 30 as slightly offensive and said Fantastic Four was bad because they didn't thank god for their powers?

I also seem to recall one person on that site yelling at people who liked Empire Strike Back because the Force was "of the occult" and Yoda was a demon.

And then, of course, there was Disney's Hercules... that was a fun read.

[The Hero]

My favorite is this:


"I'm immortal. I have a clone army. I went to college. You can't beat me."
"HAHAHAHAHA.......douchebag."

You should read his review of Dinosaur (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/dinosaur.htm)
Evolution strikes again!

Maybe that is the way wildlife is, but when your child is exposed to such brutality should be YOUR decision as a parent, not the decision of a movie writer.

And it's still YOUR decision whether or not to take you're kid to see it,ass.

[The Hero]

And is it just me,or is the term "sinematic cyanide" that he's so fond of the perfect name for a band?

[Wolfwood]

and I thought KIDS was ****ed up....

When the funk did you become mod? Congrats. :up:

[The Hero]

From his review of Hearts in Atlantis (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/heartsinatlantis.htm)

Ted tried his best to keep Bobby from touching him, but living upstairs from Bobby and befriending him did [not] make for a completely platonic relationship.
AHHH!How the hell could he not realize what he was typing?:eek:

[Flexo]

"HAHAHAHAHA.......douchebag."

You should read his review of Dinosaur (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/dinosaur.htm)
Evolution strikes again!


And it's still YOUR decision whether or not to take you're kid to see it,ass.

"Dinosaurs are animals. They have no high-level form of communication, no God-breathed spirit, no emotional societal framework. They have no concept of the Golden Rule. Yes, they are important because they are part of God's creation, but they are not human, and no-one--especially children--should be led to think otherwise."

Man, I bet this dude just hates Tom and Jerry. Talking animals that're violent! FETCH THE HOLY WATER AND THINK OF THE CHILDREN! :eek:

[The Question]

And then, of course, there was Disney's Hercules... that was a fun read.


I can't find that one.

[Elijya]

I think BlackSymbiote may be thinking of another site

[The Question]

Damn. I wanted to read that one. :(

[The Hero]

I can't wait for his reviews of V for Vendetta and The Da Vinci Code.

[Elijya]

they ain't gonna come, Hero. He only does reviews now if someone sponsers him $350. So the only way you'll see em is if someone's dumb enough to pay that and request reviews of those two

[Wilhelm-Scream]

they ain't gonna come, Hero. He only does reviews now if someone sponsers him $350. So the only way you'll see em is if someone's dumb enough to pay that and request reviews of those twoHey, sitting through the first half hour of a movie and listening to potty-mouth speech takes a lot out of you.

[The Hero]

Wait...doesn't he get into the movies for free?And isn't it a non-profit ministry?I guess he doen't have a job,and relies on donations to support his oft-mentioned wife and kids.Pathetic.

[DDRSkata]

My latest e-mail exchange (I couldn't find the really good ones from two years or so ago, but this one comes from a couple months ago; my words in blue):

You claim your reviews cost $353 each. Are we honestly supposed to believe it costs that much to write an article and make a few poorly-constructed graphics?


If you can do a CAP analysis for less while raising a family of nine go right ahead. But wait! You can't do a CAP analysis at all.


You are a con artist of the worst variety.


That you say I am does not make it so. Don't feel so threatened by that which you do not understand. [EDITOR'S NOTE: I-i-i-rony.]


You use people's poor understanding of their religious texts to brainwash them into sharing your views and padding your pockets.

I would hardly call a year's salary of $9,800 for 2005 padding my pockets.


"Judge not, lest ye be judged. Condemn not, lest ye be condemned."


With an attitude like yours and a completely empty understanding of what it takes to prepare just one film analysis, I doubt you would dare go to the trouble to read a page read that would sink your entire diatribe. So I'll give it to you here. From our home page:


JU-UDGE NOT LEST YE BE JU-UDGED!

Matt. 7:1 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged."

This is the verse so many use to try to shame Christians for discerning poor behavior, ethics, morals, and values: the "ju-udge not lest ye be ju-udged" verse. So many times people, mostly teens have emailed us saying "judge not lest you be judged" regarding our analysis reports which reveal to their parents the content of movies. Using ONLY Matt 7:1 is entirely incomplete. This verse is NOT speaking to not judging -- it is speaking to not judging harshly, unfair, or any other cheap and selfish way. Read the REST OF THE STORY ...

Matt 7:2-5 "For in the same way you judge others [there is the authority to judge], you will be judged [if we judge poorly, we will be judged poorly; if we judge well, we will be judged well], and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you [if we use extremes to manipulate the outcome, extremes will be used on us]. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye [point out his sins, "minor" in Jesus' example here] and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye [our own sins, even and especially those we will not see, magnified by our selective blindness]? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' [tell him of his "minor" sins] when all the time there is a plank in your own eye [that there are greater or the same sins in our own lives which we do nothing about]? You hypocrite [telling/accusing others of sins while thinking one is above sin], first take the plank out of your own eye [sincerely ask the Lord for forgiveness and learn AND live the Truth and Light by His Word], and then you will see clearly [be in a righteous position] to remove the speck from your brother's eye [to judge and to help him out of his bondage to sin]." At Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan, Jesus was talking to the multitudes gathered there after hearing of His message and of His healings to beseech them to not become like the Pharisees and hypocrites who think they are above sin.

And, as a FEW examples of His desire for us to judge,

* 1Cor. 6:2-3 Do you not know that the saints [the saved; Christians] will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life!
* Prov. 3:21 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight;
* John 7:24 Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.
* Jer. 22:3 Thus saith the LORD; Execute ye judgment and righteousness...
* Phil. 1:10 so that you may be able to discern [judge] what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ...
* Phil. 1:7 It is right for me to feel this way about all of you [judge you]...

Matt 7:1 seems to support the allusion that we are not to judge at all IF we use small-vision tactics by narrow-mindedly selecting only that SMALL piece of the total of what Jesus was saying. Matt 7:1 DOES NOT tell us not to judge at all -- it tells us to not judge with unfairness or superficiality: to not use our own understanding to judge. Look at John 7:24. There, Jesus TELLS us to judge, but to do so righteously. Righteously means to use the Truth of the Word to reveal sins and NOT by appearances only. Judge we must else we could not tell good from bad, proper from improper, righteousness from evil.

And to continue, Matt 7:6 says. "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." How are we going to know who are the "dogs" and the "pigs" if we do not judge?

Yes, we do have the right and the authority to judge the behavior of others (AND ourselves) as long as we honor and obey His Word doing it. That Jesus is the only one who can judge is speaking to judging whether someone is or is not saved. Neither you or I nor anyone else who has ever drawn a breath (except Jesus) or ever will draw a breath has the authority to say whether another has or has not been saved. Only Jesus can make that judgment since only He can give Salvation.

The Bible provides quite enough knowledge and understanding to make each of us a righteous judge of behavior, even and especially our own IF we r-e-a-d it and not just look at the words AND use the TOTAL of what He says, not just the pieces that seem to fit an agenda: that seem to fill our own bellies.


And I bet you think your conservative view is the only way to God.


His way is the only way to Him. Whether you believe it or not. Whether you like it or not. Whether you care or not.

And if you don't like what you see on our pages, don't visit them. At least I won't have to tolerate your libelous hate [EDITOR'S NOTE: Again...IRONY.] in our inbox again. You are blocked from it.

[The Hero]

You claim your reviews cost $353 each. Are we honestly supposed to believe it costs that much to write an article and make a few poorly-constructed graphics?


If you can do a CAP analysis for less while raising a family of nine go right ahead. But wait! You can't do a CAP analysis at all.
So,he's essentialy proved my point that he has no job and relies on ridiculously over-priced donations to take care of his family.Nice.

That Jesus is the only one who can judge is speaking to judging whether someone is or is not saved. Neither you or I nor anyone else who has ever drawn a breath (except Jesus) or ever will draw a breath has the authority to say whether another has or has not been saved.
So only Jesus has the right of judging someones soul,and yet you said that everyone involved in the production of Bad News Bears was going straight to hell.

You know what's truly sad?I'm a Christian,but this guy is causing me to seriously doubt my beliefs.:(

[Artos]

You know what's truly sad?I'm a Christian,but this guy is causing me to seriously doubt my beliefs.:(

Don't let it get you down..there's a saying in my church that "if the chruch weren't true, the members would have ruined it a long time ago" Just because he's a nut, don't let that affect how you feel.

And as for saying talking animals are of the devil, what about the talking ass [donkey] in Numbers 23 I think it is?

[The Hero]

I'm throwing around the idea of e-mailing this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BNHy2HKAHM&search=mad%20tv) and/or Jesus Christ:Super Cop to our fanatical little buddy.Any thoughts?

[The Hero]

His review ofHarry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/harrypotter-goblet.htm).

I'll let Seanbaby (http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.php?pagename=article&articleid=22182) handle this one:

Sorcery runs rampant in our nation’s classrooms, daycares and playgrounds. Our juvenile magician prisons are overflowing with the criminally magical and the Mystic Wasteland of Drax continues to launch unicorns at our borders. Some hardcore Christians say Harry Potter is to blame. Since the books have been in print, they’ve been constantly seducing children away from helping the elderly and into the fast-paced world of demonic powers.

I love you.:up:

[The Hero]

Has anyone read his review of A Clockwork Orange (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/clockworkorange.htm)?It melted his brain.:o

[Flexo]

Has anyone read his review of A Clockwork Orange (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/clockworkorange.htm)?It melted his brain.:o

Now I really want to read the book or see the movie. Thanks CAP Alert! :) :up:

[The Hero]

His review of the vile,perverted Hilary Duff film A Cinderella Story (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/cinderellastory_a.htm).

He lists "Internet romance" under Sexual Immorality.What about that is inherently immoral?:confused:

[BlackSymbiote]

His review of the vile,perverted Hilary Duff film A Cinderella Story (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/cinderellastory_a.htm).

He lists "Internet romance" under Sexual Immorality.What about that is inherently immoral?:confused:

I suppose that falls under the same heading as having 9 kids and a wife to support and only making 10 grand a year.

[The Question]

Now I really want to read the book or see the movie. Thanks CAP Alert! :) :up:


It's a really good movie. I recomend it.

[The Hero]

Is there any basis to his "Harvard agrees with us!" argument?I'm too lazy to research.

[Symbiotica]

His review ofHarry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/harrypotter-goblet.htm).

I'll let Seanbaby (http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.php?pagename=article&articleid=22182) handle this one: [snip funny quote]

"Harry Potter: Harmless Children’s Fantasy?
The Christians complain that when people object to fantasy books, they’re made to look like fools. But you see, the lie that it’s fantasy is that — get this — IT’S NOT. Now, while you try to find the socks that just got blown the hell off your feet, let me explain it as the video explained it to me: If Harry Potter was fake, witches all over the world would be complaining about how fake it was. And since they’re not, the spells in Harry Potter are all real.

Sad to say, all evidence I have yet seen shows they absolutely do believe this... it boggles my mind to think there are people alive in the 21st century who believe that black magic, sorcery and necromancy are real things that produce results in the real world, TODAY, but they're out there.

Once I mentioned to someone [who shall remain nameless] an anecdote about a third party who was a hard-core Fundamentalist Christian who believed that homo sapiens and dinosaurs existed on this planet at the same time. She looked at me hard, blinked and said, "....but they did. What do you mean, they didn't? We heard about that in church just this week!"

"So how come we're not finding human remains and dinosaur fossils/remains in the same strata?"

"Because they're covering it up." ["They" evidently meaning those godless forces of science/archaology; I admit to scooting my chair a little farther away and not enquiring further.]

No offense, Christians here, but many of your tribe are an extremely strange, and extremely funny, bunch. The amusing thing is they give stuff like Harry Potter far more importance, and attention, than it really deserves.

I'm still trying to ferret out an answer from Christians as to why C.S. Lewis's works are good, but Harry Potter is bad. They -both- have magic; often wielded by very bad people.

[The Hero]

Evil Symbols to keep away from your children (http://www.capalert.com/backtoschool/backtoschool.htm)

I love that they feel they have to tell parents that if your kid takes intrest in swastikas,you should be concerned.Because it looks like a bent cross,not because it's a neo-nazi symbol.No,there was nothing wrong with killing those godless jews.

(okay,that was a little unfair,I admit,but just read that page)

Though Hitler had made a covenant with Satan to build the Third Reich
What?:confused:

Look what he wa to say about the peace symbol:

Little did the student movement and anti-Vietnam war activists know they were promoting the main doctrine of the church of Satan -- "Do what thou wilt' is the whole of the law." Or maybe they DID know what they were promoting? At least some of them likely did.

*sigh*:(

[The Hero]

By the way,Symbiotica,it's Seanbaby.He didn't spend eleven years at a fraternity to be called Sean.


MOVIES REFLECT THE REAL WORLD, RIGHT?


Maybe.

Let us take a look at that idea for a moment then you decide for yourself.

If I were a betting man ...

Answers this. How many people have you actually seen murdered? And not through a camera, not on film, video, paper or screen but in actual real life? Twenty? Ten? Two? I'd bet not nearly as many as you have seen "murdered" in the movies.

How many people do you actually know on a first-name basis and by face-to-face recognition by all parties involved who have killed 52 people? Five? No? One? None I'd bet.

How many people do you actually know who have busted out of prison by killing others? None I'd bet.

And more pointedly, how many teenage girls do you know on a first name basis in daily life who have bared their chest for a neighborhood boy's video camera? Ten? No? Five? No? Two? No? None I'd bet.

Even more pointedly, how many neighborhood fathers do you know on a first name basis who have killed another neighborhood father because the murdering father thought he saw the victim father engaged in immoral sex with his son? None I'd bet.

Then do movies really reflect the real world in which you personally live? Or do movies rather paint your perception of the real world for you?

We have become so drugged by the narcotics of extremes in and as entertainment that what once was morally unacceptable has become morally invisible. It may be that our "real world" is tending to reflect what we are told in movies.I'm very tempted to quote The Simpsons,but I'll resist.

So,what this guy is getting at is...what?That movies are responsible for all murders,prison escapes,and Girls Gone Wild videos?Or that that these thing don't actualy happen,but movies fool us into thinking they do?

Prisoner #1:Hey,Phil!

Prisoner #2:What?

Prisoner #1:I just whatched The Shawshank Redemption,and guess what?You can escape from prison!

Prison #2: What?Escape from prison?You must of misunderstood the movie...

Prison #1:No,this guy was in prison and at the end he just...escaped!Could you ever have imagened such a concept?All these years they've been using the honer system with locking our cells,when we could have just walked out!

Prisoner #2:You...you've blown my mind...I need to lie down...

[Superhobo]

Check out the description of the Anarchy symbol.

I love that. As an Athiest anarchist, I feel proud to have that up there. Heheh, yeah.

[The Hero]

example programming included...shoving a pineapple into Hitler's anus while dressed as a ballerinaI love the analytical way he describes some of the thing in these movies.Is he against shoving a pineapple up Hitler's anus?If not that,then how does he imagine Hell for Hitler?

He was also angry with the Saddam/Satan relationship in South Park:BLU.Saddam Hussein is a bad guy,Satan is a bad guy,and they believe homosexuality to be evil,so you would think they would consider Saddam being Satan's gay lover an apt portrayal.Reminds me of a Kids in the Hall sketch:

"I don't see what the problem was.Hitler was a bad guy,so we thought the best way to portray this was to have him **** a donkey."

[The Question]

Evil Symbols to keep away from your children (http://www.capalert.com/backtoschool/backtoschool.htm)




Wow. This guy's a moron. I loved the bit where he said that the Ankh is a mockery of a cross, even though that symbol had been used for centuries before the birth of christianity.

[Danalys]

Excess cleavage, dressing to maximize the female form and/or skin exposure plus ghosting of female anatomy through a "wet T-shirt"

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/spiderman.htm

i wonder how much cleavage isn't excess.
i also wonder what score the bible would get by his ratings if it were a film. after all many events happen in it that he dissaproves of. otherwise he wouldn't know what to dissaprove of.

[The Hero]

Why don't you CAP the bible? (http://www.capalert.com/capthebible.htm)

And yes,it's every bit as hypocritical as you'd think it would be.The Bible isn't offensive because it doesn't show you anything?And yet they loved The Passion of the Christ?

[The Hero]

Vile ex-porn writer Roger Ebert pans CAP Alert (http://www.traditionalvalues.org/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=151)

Given Ebert's love of pornography and violence, it would seem far more appropriate for concerned parents to consult the Child Care Action Project for movie reviews, than to depend upon Ebert for allegedly "sane" reviews of today's films. Yeah,that Ebert's one sick mo-fo.

[The Hero]

Why the entertainment industry is afraid of CAP Alert (http://www.capalert.com/whataretheyafraidof.htm)

Honestly,do more than a handful of people visit this site for non-humor reasons?

[The Hero]

They review Brokeback Mountain!:eek:

http://www.capalert.com/now_playing.htm(go to the bottom and select Brokeback Mountain)

I can die happy now.:o

[The Hero]

Amanda Bynes robes children of their innocence:

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/shestheman.htm

Sidenote:This guy seems to be very offended by the word "fool".I wonder what his thoughts are on Mr.T?

[Super Flight]

So i guess superman got his powers from the devil as well, so the devil wants to help people now?

the devils sad and wants to save people, so he gives a man super abilitys..

[The Hero]

Please.Everyone knows that Superman is evil Jew propaganda.:rolleyes:

[DACrowe]

I think Colbert's spoof of that (reaction to She's the man) is hilarious.

Roughly:

"I was fully ready to support Amanda Bynes's next family movie. It covers the story of a girl dressing up as a boy so she can play soccor and seduce a boy she is in love with. Sounds perfectly acceptable to me. But then I noticed something....

In the credits it said "Based on William Shakespere's 12th Night." No way, America. That man who has produced such stories that support teen sex (Romeo & Juliet), depression and sucidal thoughts (Hamlet) and interracial....coupling (Othello). YOu've been warned liberal slanted, gay-agenda Hollywood. Quit trying to pollute our childrens' minds."

As that is isimilar to what CAP Alert says about....every movie, really.

[The Hero]

I believe Colbert used the term "homicidal jungle fever" to describe Othello.

"So unless you want your children to put on donkey heads and have sex with fairies,don't take them to She's The Man"

Either the Daily Show or the Colbert Report needs to have this guy on.

[DACrowe]

Ah, I forgot that and noticed he hit Othello and that is the first thing that came to mind as a conservative knee-jerk dumb reaction. Sorry to conservatives though.

[The Hero]

The CAPtain reviews such disparate titles as Trainspotting (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/trainspotting.htm),which he calls a "teen flick"(!),and Bring It On (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/bringiton.htm),which he calls "a journey into moral depravity and empty-headed sexual theft of childhood from children".

Am I the only one who thinks that this guy would accuse Requiem For A Dream of promoting drug use?

[Elijya]

If it's there, it must be promoting it, context be damned

:rolleyes:

[The Hero]

Hey,it says on his reviews page:they don't misread the message,they ignore it.

Which is funny,considering that he's always *****ing about a film's alleged message.So essentially,he ignores the message unless he feels the need to make one up.

I mean,the guy thought Napoleon Dynamite was about embracing nihilism.

[The Hero]

As if CAP Alert had any credibility to lose...

Reliable proof that the government will soon be implanting Satan chips into our foreheads! (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/markofbeast/beast.htm)

Euro coins are only the beginning!:eek:

[huskerwebhead]

I can't wait to see what his review of Silent Hill will be like. That ought to be good.

[Darthphere]

I can't wait to see what his review of Silent Hill will be like. That ought to be good.


You wont unless youre willing to fork over $300+

[huskerwebhead]

Some nut job will pony up the cash. Just watch.

[Elijya]

What film would you most like to see the CAP guy get tortured by by having to review? Me, I say The Aristocrats

[Darthphere]

I dont know what would torture him the most but id love to see him review End of Days with Arnold.

[The Hero]

I dont know what would torture him the most but id love to see him review End of Days with Arnold.
Ask,and ye shall receive. (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/endofdays.htm)

[Darthphere]

Ask,and ye shall receive. (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/endofdays.htm)


LMAO!

[The Hero]

What film would you most like to see the CAP guy get tortured by by having to review? Me, I say The Aristocrats
I would love to see him review A Dirty Shame,Requiem For A Dream,or Jesus is Magic.

The Notorious Bettie Page R. Awaiting a sponsor.


Must...resist...urge...to...sponsor...

[My vengeance]

The thing that shocked me the most was thier two cents on Forrest Gump:

Forrest Gump was a prime example of attemps of Hollywood to lower the threshold of acceptance of immoral and vulgar material. Under the humorous and warm front was graphic violence, very foul language, sexual material, some use of drugs and alcohol, and a suicide attempt. Worst of all was the 56 examples of Offense to God (the use of God's name, direct and euphemistically), with and without the three-four letter word vocabulary Although CAP Investigation Standards do not include acts of actual war as examples of unacceptable material, the Vietnam war in the movie was not an actual accounting of the war nor actual file footage -- it was Hollywood fanfare of gore and violence. Two sodliers were incinerated to the bone with bomb fire. Another was tossed by bomb blast.These things happened in the Vietnam war, but the "soldiers" in Forrest Gump were not soldiers nor were they in Vietnam. Of other noteworthiness was nudity, physical abuse of a woman, child gang brutality against a disadvantaged child, and a child sneaking out of her house in the middle of the night to get into bed with Gump as a child.

I believe this is the MOST eloquent example of their sheer stupidity.:up:

[The Hero]

So real violence is less offensive than fake violence?This guy is insane.

On a related note,I was very disappointed to not find a review of Boys Don't Cry.That movie would have sent him into a conniption fit.

edit: On second thought,he probably would have just walked out after the first few scenes,feeling that he had enough material to warn parents about it's vile homosexing.

[C.F. Kane]

The thing that shocked me the most was thier two cents on Forrest Gump:

Forrest Gump was a prime example of attemps of Hollywood to lower the threshold of acceptance of immoral and vulgar material. Under the humorous and warm front was graphic violence, very foul language, sexual material, some use of drugs and alcohol, and a suicide attempt. Worst of all was the 56 examples of Offense to God (the use of God's name, direct and euphemistically), with and without the three-four letter word vocabulary Although CAP Investigation Standards do not include acts of actual war as examples of unacceptable material, the Vietnam war in the movie was not an actual accounting of the war nor actual file footage -- it was Hollywood fanfare of gore and violence. Two sodliers were incinerated to the bone with bomb fire. Another was tossed by bomb blast.These things happened in the Vietnam war, but the "soldiers" in Forrest Gump were not soldiers nor were they in Vietnam. Of other noteworthiness was nudity, physical abuse of a woman, child gang brutality against a disadvantaged child, and a child sneaking out of her house in the middle of the night to get into bed with Gump as a child.

I believe this is the MOST eloquent example of their sheer stupidity.:up:

Cripes.

And I always thought that Forrest Gump was one of the most blatant right-wing diatribes I've ever seen onscreen. (granted, I've never seen anything by John Milius)

[Artos]

I'd want to see them do a review of New York Doll, a documentary about a rocker from the punk group New York Dolls who hits rock bottom and then finds God in the Mormon church. $5 says that they'll still complain about all the horrible stuff despite the fact that he changes his ways. Not to mention I wouldn't be surprised to have it include an anti-Mormon rant in there as well.

[My vengeance]

Cripes.

And I always thought that Forrest Gump was one of the most blatant right-wing diatribes I've ever seen onscreen. (granted, I've never seen anything by John Milius)
Speaking of,I am disappointed that he did not review Conan.I would have loved to see his opinion about the orgy dedicated to a giant snake.:up:

[My vengeance]

This is brilliant,they actually counted every scene that depicts violence and/or contains cursing in Fight Club:

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/fightclub.htm

"Praying for a mid-air collision",Jesus!


Oh,and this is also nice:

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/sparetherod/

[The Hero]

This is hilarious:
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/sparetherod/heykids.gif

And what is the deal with "It's not good enough,no matter what 'it' is"?It's like his catch-phrase or something.

Kids can also learn how to take drugs, commit a crime, or have sex by watching these media.

Uh...does the media have to teach kids how to have sex?Doesn't instinct cover that?

[My vengeance]

Have fun in bed,by yourself or with your favorite friend.

Words to live by.

The most annoying thing about it,though,is how he always confuses the concept of anarchy with that of nihilism,when he is referring to a lack of authority and of any ethical codes and structures in a movie.

[The Hero]

The CAPtian's list of predators,with my favorites highlighted.


Predators swarm every street corner, bar, and alley. Predators are also abundant at school, at the skating rink, and even at church. Each predator is ready to swallow up and consume your child, indeed, anyone's child: to take the child into the pit dug by the predator to serve him/her and his/her master. A predator may be

the guy down the street who wears a long coat in hot weather


the guy who sells watches and stereos real cheap from the trunk of his car


the lady next door who doesn't mind if a little too much skin shows


the shifty-eyed dude who tells you your tire is flat


that poor fella who just needs a ride...anywhere


the kid in the locker room who gives your child free of charge a harmless little something jus' to take the edge off the pain or jus' to feel good


that strange woman two streets over who always wears black whose kids put strange symbols on their stuff


the peer or relative who says SECRET things to your child


the aunt or uncle who likes to snuggle with little Sissy...with all of Sissy


the aunt or uncle who likes to snuggle with little Bubba...with all of Bubba


the guy/gal who says God is dead That's right:Keep your kid away from goths,Nietzsche subscribers,and Desperate Housewives cast members.

[DDRSkata]

Haha, ATL is listed as AT&L. :D

These guys are tools.

[The Hero]

It stands for Attacking Truth with evil ideas & anti-christian Lies.Damn left-wing AT&L bastards.:mad:

[The Hero]

Wikipedia's CAP Alert entry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CAP_Alert)

By the ministry's own admission, many (alledgedly young) individuals have contacted CAP in order to complaing about their zealousy and one sided reviews of movies. On the CAP site, these individuals are marginalized and generalized to be insulting, homosexual, and/or intoxicated, as depicted in their "The emails we get" section[3].

Damn drunk,offensive gays.:down

CAPzie reviews Scary Movie 4,yet another R-13 (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/scarymovie4.htm)(I'm still waiting for the inevitable G-X)

[The Hero]

Robin Williams' implied wang scars kids for life (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/rv.htm)

It's so bad he's forced to repeat one of his catchphrases not once,not twice,but thrice.

[The Question]

Did the CAP guy do a reveiw of Serenity? I'd love to see what it thought of it's obviously anti-authority messages and blatantly athiest leading man.

[The Hero]

No,sadly.Here's his review of Soul Survivors (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/soulsurvivors.htm) to help ease the pain.

I'm beginning to think that we really do need to pool our funds on this one.Too many good,offensive movies have gone unreviewed.:(

[The Question]

Hell yeah. I'd love to see his opinions on Serenity, Princess Mononoke, Castle in the Sky, Nausica of the Valley of the Wind, M*A*S*H*, and so many others.

[Katsuro]

I wonder, since he seems to have no problem walking out on movies and still claiming his review is valid, what about when you sponsor him? Could you force him to sit through the entire thing in order to get the money. Surely he cant just take your $350 then watch 10 minutes before leaving, can he?

We should pool together to sponser the most offensive movie we can think of. Force him to sit through 2 hours of cursing, nudity, violence, and god-hating.

[Darren Daring]

Robin Williams' implied wang scars kids for life (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/rv.htm)

It's so bad he's forced to repeat one of his catchphrases not once,not twice,but thrice.

I've seen Robin Williams Penis, and it does scar you for life:(

[huskerwebhead]

No,sadly.Here's his review of Soul Survivors (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/soulsurvivors.htm) to help ease the pain.

I'm beginning to think that we really do need to pool our funds on this one.Too many good,offensive movies have gone unreviewed.:(

No way. I don't care how funny it is. The last thing I am going to do is give this lunatic money. Count me out. :down :down

[The Hero]

Hell yeah. I'd love to see his opinions on Serenity, Princess Mononoke, Castle in the Sky, Nausica of the Valley of the Wind, M*A*S*H*, and so many others.
The Anarchist Cookbook,The Meaning of Life,Full Metal Jacket,Life of Brian,Myra Breckinridge,Pink Flamingos,I could go on for hours...

Actually,I think making him watch Myra Breckinridge might be too cruel,even for him.

Now this (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0201290/) looks like fitting punishment,though.

[The Question]

The Anarchist Cookbook,The Meaning of Life,Full Metal Jacket,Life of Brian,Myra Breckinridge,Pink Flamingos,I could go on for hours...

Ohhhh, I'd love to see his reveiw of "The Life of Brian." And, as I said, the Myazaki films. Wonder how he'd take those.

Actually,I think making him watch Myra Breckinridge might be too cruel,even for him.

Now this (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0201290/) looks like fitting punishment,though.

Most definately.

[The Hero]

No way. I don't care how funny it is. The last thing I am going to do is give this lunatic money. Count me out. :down :down
Hey,this guy is not a lunatic.He may be a liar,a pig,an idiot,a lunatic... but he is *not* a porn star.


What makes that reference funny is that he most likely hates The Simpsons.:up:

[The Question]

....dude.





We need to get him to reveiw TV shows. :D

[The Hero]

There are a few TV studies on there.He was very offended by Dilbert.

[The Question]

We need more. Futurama, South Park, The Simpsons, Monty Python, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the list goes on and on.

[Flexo]

There are a few TV studies on there.He was very offended by Dilbert.

No way.

It was Dogbert that pushed him off the edge, wasn't it?

[The Hero]

No way.

It was Dogbert that pushed him off the edge, wasn't it?
No,apparently it was the evolution reference in the opening that set him off (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/dilbert1_25_99.htm)
We need more. Futurama, South Park, The Simpsons, Monty Python, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the list goes on and on.
If it's any consolation,his review of South Park:BLU (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/southpark.htm) is pure magnificence.There's also a Days of our Lives study somewhere...

[The Question]

If it's any consolation,his review of South Park:BLU (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/southpark.htm) is pure magnificence.There's also a Days of our Lives study somewhere...


I've read it. Many times. Man, I'd love to see his reaction to Buffy the Vampire slayer.

[The Hero]

I've read it. Many times. Man, I'd love to see his reaction to Buffy the Vampire slayer.
I would love to see what he thinks about Arrested Development,what with it's incestuous/homoerotic themes.Or Scrubs.His reaction to Todd would be priceless.

[Matt]

What did the CAP nutjobs say about Flight 93?

[The Hero]

Still unreviewed,sadly.

Screw TV shows,I want this guy to review comics.I would gladly pay the $250 to see him review Preacher.

[The Hero]

Somethimes I wonder if one day during a movie like this he's going to shout "There's too much attitude in this movie,man!IT'S JUST TOO MUCH!!!" and run out of the theater screaming.

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/stickit.htm

That's right,he's complaining about gymnastics outfits maximizing the female form.I wonder how he feels about the Olympics?

And what did the female form ever do to him?

[Calendar Man]

I was hoping this was a Captin America thread.

[DDRSkata]

And what did the female form ever do to him?

Nothing. That's why he's complaining.

[The Hero]

It's here.At last,it's here.

The Da Vinci Code (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/davincicode-the.htm)

claim of Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute

Uh,Captain...nowhere in the Bible does it say that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute.

And the film claims it was the "church" - a group of men - that decided which Books would form the Bible.
********
Also suggesting there was no holy Inspiration to deciding which Books form the Bible.

Hate to burst your bubble again,but there wasn't.It's well documented that at the time the New Testament was made there were dozens of Gospels written,and the church more or less just picked the four most popular.

am so sorry this report has taken so long to complete, a full seven days after viewing it and a full six days after its opening. I could not hope to list all of the trouble experienced. I fully believe getting this single analysis report published was plagued with more obstacles than any other of the more than 1000 other reports we have done. Hint: It all has to do with lack of donations/funding. Something tells me the adversary did not want this report published.

That the adversary is actively involved in creating so many obstacles, especially to this report, makes sense since we are fighting the adversary quite probably in his most sensitive spot -- his attacks of Jesus through His little ones.
Wow.So just because it took some time to get the ridiculously expensive donations you demand for your very obscure website,Satan himself is trying to stop you?Talk about having a high opinion of yourself.

[The Hero]

The good Captian reviews X-Men: The Last Stand (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/xmenlaststand_x3.htm),complete with a long sermon on the dangers of tolerance.:up:

[Wilhelm-Scream]

What a miserable life this guy leads.

[Orko Is King]

I can't wait for the Omen review.

[The Hero]

I'm sure he'll accuse it of counterfeiting the scriptures,or of calling good evil and evil good.He might even call The Omen out on it's "It ain't good enough,no matter what it is" message.

And forcing the viewer to acknowledge the existence of the female form.Lots'a that.

[The Question]

The good Captian reviews X-Men: The Last Stand (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/xmenlaststand_x3.htm),complete with a long sermon on the dangers of tolerance.:up:



Is it just me who finds it weird that he knew Wolverine's real name was James Howlette?

[Elijya]

oooo, I think you're onto something there, Q

[Ben Urich]

I ****ing hate extremists. Doesn't matter what religion or party or cause or whatever, but they seriously need to take their, I dunno... 11 and turn it down to maybe a 4.

Is it just me who finds it weird that he knew Wolverine's real name was James Howlette?

HAHAHA nice catch.

[The Hero]

Is it just me who finds it weird that he knew Wolverine's real name was James Howlette?
In his Hellboy review,he refers to John Hurt's character as "Trevor Bruttenholm",which he's only referred to as in the credits.Which opens up all kinds of new questions...Damn,you live up to your namesake.

[Elijya]

to be fair, he could easily get "Trevor Bruttenholm" from IMDb, and there're a gajillion info sites that will tell you Wolverine's real first name

[The Hero]

Still weird,though.:confused:

[Artos]

to be fair, he could easily get "Trevor Bruttenholm" from IMDb, and there're a gajillion info sites that will tell you Wolverine's real first name

Do you think that he'd really visit a site that ranks The Godfather as the #1 movie of all time? ;)

[DDRSkata]

It's here.At last,it's here.

The Da Vinci Code (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/davincicode-the.htm)



Uh,Captain...nowhere in the Bible does it say that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute.


Hate to burst your bubble again,but there wasn't.It's well documented that at the time the New Testament was made there were dozens of Gospels written,and the church more or less just picked the four most popular.


Wow.So just because it took some time to get the ridiculously expensive donations you demand for your very obscure website,Satan himself is trying to stop you?Talk about having a high opinion of yourself.

The gospels that were chosen weren't chosen because of popularity, but because they were the ones found to have been written within the lifetimes of Jesus' disciples. I'd be interested to see if there were any gospels written during that period that were rejected, but most (if not all) of the rejections were written at least a century after Jesus died.

Other than that, your post is spot-on.

[The Hero]

The gospels that were chosen weren't chosen because of popularity, but because they were the ones found to have been written within the lifetimes of Jesus' disciples. I'd be interested to see if there were any gospels written during that period that were rejected, but most (if not all) of the rejections were written at least a century after Jesus died.

Other than that, your post is spot-on.
Sorry.Next time I'll do more research than watching the History channel half-asleep.:o

[Flexo]

Oh, CAP alert... there is no pleasing you.

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/nacholibre.htm

My God, little kids playing?! What has this world come to?

[The Hero]

I love his closing line:

Now to my opinion of Nacho Libre. It is quite probably one of the most empty and lame movies I have ever seen and Jack Black is very well suited for it.


And I was more than a little disappointed to find no Ghost World review.I think his "It ain't good enough,no matter what it is" counter would've exploded.

Damn it,Tom,if you're going to have an irritating catchphrase,could you at least get the grammar right?

[The Hero]

For his Date Movie review:

Sexual/anatomical display are as if Kinsey wrote the film, as if there are no standards or inhibitions left whatsoever

Wow,Christians are still holding a grudge against Kinsey.How long ago was that,half a century?I remember that somewhere in his site he says that the Kinsey Report was nothing but lies and that everything it said has been debunked.Which reminds me...

The movie starts out with a teen boy watching a porn flick on cable TV (audio present) -- and he is doing that which the entertainment industry and pansexualists want you to think about what teenage boys do if watching sexual material alone in their bedroom.

That's right,ladies and gentlemen,this man is convinced that teenage boy's never masturbate,and that the dreaded Liberal Media just wants you to think they do.Probably because they get their orders from Satan.

[UltimateBatman]

Man, this guy is gonna s**t a brick when he reviews Superman Returns! I mean Lois with a child but not married and Superman as a pseudo-Christ figure.

I'll bring the popcorn.

[The Hero]

Man, this guy is gonna s**t a brick when he reviews Superman Returns! I mean Lois with a child but not married and Superman as a pseudo-Christ figure.

I'll bring the popcorn.
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/supermanreturns.htm

All right,boys and girls,let's review:

Isn't there an increasing trend in the prevailing centers of childhood development -- in public schools for example -- to teach that the only safe sex is no sex (not that the school has any business teaching kids about sex in the first place)? If true and if movies really do reflect real life instead of engineer it, shouldn't movies follow suit instead of conflict with it?
Yes,because those programs are working so well.I'm reminded of what Penn and Teller said on their abstinence episode:"Youth abstinence programs are designed under the assumption that 50's sitcoms actually existed."

In some or maybe even many cases, the big screen is a better teacher than the one in front of your child Monday through Friday. And, yes, mom/dad, by no fault of your own the big screen might sometimes be a better teacher than you.
I grew up in a racist environment,and it it weren't for movies and television I wouldn't know any other perspective on life.Yeah,damn movies corrupting our children.:down

Now this is very dissapointing:

Clerks II R. This film, Kevin Smith's sequel to Clerks 1994 which was edited from NC-17, will likely NOT be analyzed because it, being a sequel, is likely to be as graphic as the first Clerks.
I think I speak for everyone when I say:Holy crap,there's an NC-17 version of Clerks?I gotta see that.

[Darthphere]

Superman Returns is a very violent film. At least as violent as some of the "hard" R-rated films of violence, just without the gore. Indeed, in one sequence a super machine gun first kills a number of police officers then peppers the chest of Superman for several seconds, then the assailant fires a round of .45 ammo onto the eyeball of Superman. But no body parts are strewn, no pounds of flesh are blasted out and no blood is splattered in any of the killings or attempted killings. The no-gore is a nice-to-do move on the part of the filmmakers but little do they seem to know the mechanisms of violence influences less than the attitude.


BWAHAHAHAHAHA! No cops got shot in that scene lol.

[Strange]

Man this guy is crazy. Sin City and American Psycho both got a zero and they are two of my favorite movies.

[Carmine Falcone]

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

[The Hero]

Even if there are more Scary Movies I do not intend to spend the money to analyze them ... unless they are PG or PG-13. But the chances of one of them being PG are about the same as the chances of a frozen orb of crystalline dihydrogen monoxide surviving unscathed, entry through exit, an excursion through the subterranean location of exceeding exoenergetic electromagnetic radiation in the thermal band.
Gee,first he brags about how much he can bench-press,now we all have to know how smart he is.

intercourse with a cooked turkey
facial deformations due to oral sex with an invisible ghost
war of vomiting on each other
a huge "demon" made of marijuana
As bad as the movie was,it's pretty funny to see him describe this stuff in his offended,matter-of-fact manner.

One fellow donated $1200. Another donated $500. Another donated $300. And our monthly donors include a $100, a $75 and a few $25 donations. One family even donated $2000 in the last quarter of 2005. If it were not for these people, you would not have this free service. But their generous donations will not last forever. Our nominal budget target is $3500 per month. And we cannot continue to make up the difference with family funds.
I don't know which is harder to believe:That multiple people are paying him sums of money that outrageous ,or that it could possibly cost $3500 a month to run that site.

Let's see what Thor has to say on the subject:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v485/AnubisGOD/spiralthorvspriest.jpg

[The Hero]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v197/jml2762/ImwithCaptianTom.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v197/jml2762/Imwiththefemaleform.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v197/jml2762/Imwithapathy.jpg

[The Hero]

Landover Baptist's parody of CAP Alert's American Beauty review (http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0200/beauty.html)

Do you know what's scary?If I hadn't known better,I would've assumed it was a real CAP Alert review.:o

[The Hero]

Monster House (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/monsterhouse.htm)

Dear God...children outside after dark! :eek:

[Superhobo]

CAP Alert is better than Patton Oswald at making me laugh. I mean, seriously.

[The Hero]

My Super Ex-Girlfriend (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/mysuperexgirlfriend.htm)

I don't know what's funnier:His offense at the protagonists "unholy super-powers" or the fact that,for reason's only known to him,he felt the need to transcribe the first twenty minutes of the film.:confused:

Though no gender-specifics are seen during the intercourse, the bobbing babes are seen. And the bed is seen blasting through the bedroom wall. Yuck! Even a "polite" description like that is offensive. Well!?

There's no doubt about it:This guy has sex with the lights off.

[JackBauer]

My Super Ex-Girlfriend (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/mysuperexgirlfriend.htm)

I don't know what's funnier:His offense at the protagonists "unholy super-powers" or the fact that,for reason's only known to him,he felt the need to transcribe the first twenty minutes of the film.:confused:



There's no doubt about it:This guy has sex with the lights off.

"unholy super-powers"... lol... X-Men got it right.

[Matt]

I can't wait to see what they say about Clerks II.

[The Hero]

Tom rallies against the vile support of equality and women's rights in Mona Lisa Smile (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/monalisasmile.htm)

Wow.God forbid,a woman does something with her life other than take care of a man and pop out kids.

I'm starting to go beyond just laughing at this guy's ignorance.I'm beginning to truly dislike him as a human being.

[JackBauer]

Tom rallies against the vile support of equality and women's rights in Mona Lisa Smile (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/monalisasmile.htm)

Wow.God forbid,a woman does something with her life other than take care of a man and pop out kids.

I'm starting to go beyond just laughing at this guy's ignorance.I'm really beginning to truly dislike him as a human being.

welcome to the club! :)

[Flexo]

I can't wait to see what they say about Clerks II.

They've said that they won't review it.

[The Hero]

Tom rallies against the vile support of equality and women's rights in Mona Lisa Smile (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/monalisasmile.htm)

Wow.God forbid,a woman does something with her life other than take care of a man and pop out kids.

I'm starting to go beyond just laughing at this guy's ignorance.I'm beginning to truly dislike him as a human being.
We get a similar sermon in his Stepford Wives (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/stepfordwives2004.htm) review,accompanied by yet another "Jesus never said anything about gays" sermon,plus a small essay on the importance of hate crimes.

[The Hero]

A highlight from his ridiculously insane review ofBubble Boy (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/bubbleboy.htm):

For example, if we were to encounter nudity on the streets, to quickly show respect by looking away is not a sin but to stare at it is. Which brings up another point. Nudity in and of itself is not a sin. If it were, doctors and other health care professionals would be in trouble. But nudity for show and/or pleasure is sinful for both the one displaying it and the one drawing pleasure from it.


I was going to try to articulate some kind of response to this,but I think it pretty much speaks for itself.

[The Hero]

Tom finally gets off his unused ass and rents Brokeback Mountain (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/brokebackmountain_guestcomm.htm)

Not once is there a mention of any of the dangers associated with the practice of homosexuality: the typically shortened lifespan; the plethora of diseases not typical of a monogamous heterosexual marriage; the hundreds of partners typically encountered in a homosexual practitioner's shortened lifetime; the violence typically reported in most homosexual relationships; the tendency to practice pedophilia (ref: the North American Man-boy Love Association and a 24-year study by Dr. Judith Reisman); many others, not even the violation of such practice against God's Word [e.g., 1 Cor. 6:9-10]. And they in the film who are opposed to the practice of homosexuality are portrayed as small minded, intolerant, selfish and as redneck murderers.

So does he look at any research not done by people with an overwhelming anti-gay bias,or does he think that all non-Christian studies are manipulated by the diabolical Liberal Media?(I really need to find a good Liberal Media font)

[Darthphere]

OMG, like seriously, diseases? Seriously, this isnt the 1980's.

[JackBauer]

OMG, like seriously, diseases? Seriously, this isnt the 1980's.

not to mention that everything he mentioned could be found in heterosexuals.

[The Hero]

not to mention that everything he mentioned could be found in heterosexuals.
Well,every review links to a site called "Homosexual Urban Legends",which basically says that most homosexuals are pedophiles,which conflicts with a massive amount of secular studies,but because those researchers weren't fundamentalist Christians it must be some vast cover-up,because God said those dirty homos were evil and why would he lie?

[The Hero]

A list of films CAP Alert actually approves of, (http://www.capalert.com/cloudtenfilmfestival.htm)including "Judgement" starring Mr.T! :eek:

Apparently there's only one thing people of all religions can agree:the sheer asskickery of Mr.T. :up:

[JackBauer]

A list of films CAP Alert actually approves of, (http://www.capalert.com/cloudtenfilmfestival.htm)including "Judgement" starring Mr.T! :eek:

Apparently there's only one thing people of all religions can agree:the sheer asskickery of Mr.T. :up:

that's 'cause if you don't like him, he'll beat you into submission.

[The Hero]

How bulls with utters are corrupting the youth of America. (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/barnyard.htm)

[The Hero]

Will Ferrell:Satan Incarnate (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/talladeganights.htm)

[SolidSnakeMGS]

every magic spell

Damn younguns and their magic spells!! :mad:

[The Hero]

Oh,man...his review of Accepted (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/accepted.htm) is just too perfect.

Context does not excuse sin, either the taking pleasure in its display, the demonstration of it or the use of it to "justify" presentation of immoral behavior or imagery.
This fascinates me.By his standards,a fundamentalist Christian propaganda film that glorified the murder of gay teens would be more acceptable for a child to view than a movie with a couple of fart jokes. And how the hell does flatulence count as "Impudence/Hate " anyway? :huh:

We learn by example. In what God calls the "evil desires of youth", all too often bad examples become behavioral templates. And yet we feed our youth with those "evil desires" in and as entertainment.

Hah, "evil desires of youth".Am I the only one thinking of that scene in Zardoz where the big stone head tells everyone that "The gun...is good.The penis...IS EVIL!"? What,no fellow obscure 70's b-flick fans here? Very well,moving on.

Know that in this report we will be telling you of the assaults on morality and decency in the film as politely and factual as possible. But sometimes even telling the truth politely sounds almost as vulgar as it is in the film. If you do not like to even read about the moral filth in film being fed to your children, feel free to leave this report.
What? He doesn't reference anything even remotely vulgar in his review.I guess to his fanbase, sentences like "exaggerated male anatomy in sculpture" and "teens making out in underwear" is the equivalent of hardcore ******* porn (and yes,I'm pretty sure I misspelled that).

The only sentence even mildly explicit in his review is "sexual innuendo throughout, including about masturbation, intercourse, erection, ejaculate, self-stimulation, oral sex, male anatomy, homosexual rape, some repeatedly".If that truly offends you,then you have lived one blissfully sheltered life,and I envy you greatly.

[The Hero]

This Film is Not Yet rated - This film will not be analyzed due to it being NC-17 under appeal. It is even banned in Malaysia.

That's disappointing.With his constant complaints that the MPAA is too lenient,I would've loved to see his review of a film that says it's too strict.

[JackBauer]

That's disappointing.With his constant complaints that the MPAA is too lenient,I would've loved to see his review of a film that says it's too strict.

which movie's he talking about?

[The Hero]

which movie's he talking about?
This Film Is Not Yet Rated. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTL3XMDwY0c)

It an expose' of sorts on the MPAA.Looks great. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-RzN3Sr6L4)

[JackBauer]

This Film Is Not Yet Rated. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTL3XMDwY0c)

It an expose' of sorts on the MPAA.Looks great. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-RzN3Sr6L4)

cool! I'm gonna be all over that :up:

[Edward Brock]

That site's layout makes my eyes hurt. Are we still in 1992? :huh:

[cryptic name]

Equilibrium (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/equilibrium.htm)

"when art uses sin, art becomes sin."

this guy has lost his speaking privelages. seriously, it's nice that you love jesus, but just shut the f**k up.

[The Hero]

"when art uses sin, art becomes sin."

this guy has lost his speaking privelages. seriously, it's nice that you love jesus, but just shut the f**k up.
Believe me,he's said a thousand things more insane than that.

And "It's nice that you love jesus, but just shut the f**k up" is the new motto of this thread. :up:

[The Hero]

Maybe that will be you? Like any other Christian ministry, it is ONLY by generous donations from the "congregation" that we may continue this nonprofit 501(c)(3) ministry. And if you have any concerns about our legitimacy, call any IRS office and ask about Tax ID number 75-2607488.

YOU.ARE.NOT.A.MINISTRY! :cmad:

I'm thinking of sending Tom an Email,saying that we are all big fans of his website,and have been discussing it on here for quite some time.If I can just get him to read the first post,my life will have had meaning.

[The Question]

This Film Is Not Yet Rated. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTL3XMDwY0c)

It an expose' of sorts on the MPAA.Looks great. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-RzN3Sr6L4)

That's good, but this has Freakazoid. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sm0m_7WaBnc&NR)

[The Question]

I wonder (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sy-U7X5fpU8)

What (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6JCCayPG7k&mode=related&search)

He'd say (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UHA7agNuts&mode=related&search)

About Hair (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMvcDH03hm0&mode=related&search)



EDIT: I hope the second one is okay by the Hype rules. I wasn't too sure about that one.

[Matt]

This quote from the Equilibrium Review cracks me up

The idea of people without Word-based ethics having access to the button makes me glad we have a Christian President

[Wilhelm-Scream]

:rolleyes:
George W. is a "Christian" as much as Charles Manson was Jesus.
:rolleyes:

[JackBauer]

too bad he's never done a "review" of Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. that'd probably be as hilarious as the movie itself.

[The Hero]

That's good, but this has Freakazoid. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sm0m_7WaBnc&NR)
*sniff* Ah,memories. :up:

[The Hero]

This quote from the Equilibrium Review cracks me up
Doesn't the Bible condone mass murder over of religious semantics? I don't know if I want someone who thinks like that having access to a nuclear weapon.

[Caliber]

Doesn't the Bible condone mass murder over of religious semantics? I don't know if I want someone who thinks like that having access to a nuclear weapon.

No one does but thats the world.

[The Question]

Doesn't the Bible condone mass murder over of religious semantics? I don't know if I want someone who thinks like that having access to a nuclear weapon.


I don't think it does, actually. At least, not the new testament. The old testament has bits where God mass murders, but not any of the people.

[The Hero]

I don't think it does, actually. At least, not the new testament. The old testament has bits where God mass murders, but not any of the people.
I'm pretty sure there's at least one moment in the Old Testament were God helps a Christian army seize a non-Christian city,and then commands them to slaughter all of the women and children.It's stuff like that that's caused me to really reexamine my beliefs.

[The Question]

I'm pretty sure there's at least one moment in the Old Testament were God helps a Christian army seize a non-Christian city,and then commands them to slaughter all of the women and children.It's stuff like that that's caused me to really reexamine my beliefs.


There were no Christians in the old testament.

[The Hero]

Damn it.I suck at the internet.

[Wilhelm-Scream]

Lol, it's so funny when people who haven't read the Bible start talking about what's in the Bible.

bits where God mass murders, but not any of the people.?:confused:
Hahahahaha

You should all educate yourselves ( http://www.evilbible.com/Murder.htm) about what a depraved God the Biblical God is.

[Wilhelm-Scream]

pretty bad-ass...

This is what the Lord of hosts has to say: 'I will punish what Amalek did to Israel when he barred his way as he was coming up from Egypt. Go, now, attack Amalek, and deal with him and all that he has under the ban. Do not spare him, but kill men and women, children and infants, oxen and sheep, camels and asses.' (1 Samuel 15:2-3 NAB)

I will make Mount Seir utterly desolate, killing off all who try to escape and any who return. I will fill your mountains with the dead. Your hills, your valleys, and your streams will be filled with people slaughtered by the sword. I will make you desolate forever. Your cities will never be rebuilt. Then you will know that I am the LORD. (Ezekiel 35:7-9 NLT)

Then the LORD said to Joshua, "Do not be afraid or discouraged. Take the entire army and attack Ai, for I have given to you the king of Ai, his people, his city, and his land. You will destroy them as you destroyed Jericho and its king. But this time you may keep the captured goods and the cattle for yourselves.


The men of Israel withdrew through the territory of the Benjaminites, putting to the sword the inhabitants of the city, the livestock, and all they chanced upon. Moreover they destroyed by fire all the cities they came upon. (Judges 20:48 NAB)


That night the angel of the Lord went forth and struck down one hundred and eighty five thousand men in the Assyrian camp. Early the next morning, there they were, all the corpuses of the dead. (2 Kings 19:35 NAB)


(Moses) stood at the entrance to the camp and shouted, "All of you who are on the LORD's side, come over here and join me." And all the Levites came. He told them, "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: Strap on your swords! Go back and forth from one end of the camp to the other, killing even your brothers, friends, and neighbors." Exodus 32:26

While the Israelites were camped at Acacia, some of the men defiled themselves by sleeping with the local Moabite women. These women invited them to attend sacrifices to their gods, and soon the Israelites were feasting with them and worshiping the gods of Moab. Before long Israel was joining in the worship of Baal of Peor, causing the LORD's anger to blaze against his people. The LORD issued the following command to Moses: "Seize all the ringleaders and execute them before the LORD in broad daylight, so his fierce anger will turn away from the people of Israel." So Moses ordered Israel's judges to execute everyone who had joined in worshiping Baal of Peor. Just then one of the Israelite men brought a Midianite woman into the camp, right before the eyes of Moses and all the people, as they were weeping at the entrance of the Tabernacle. When Phinehas son of Eleazar and grandson of Aaron the priest saw this, he jumped up and left the assembly. Then he took a spear and rushed after the man into his tent. Phinehas thrust the spear all the way through the man's body and into the woman's stomach. So the plague against the Israelites was stopped, but not before 24,000 people had died. (Numbers 25:1-9 NLT)

I could literally go on all day.

[The Question]

Lol, it's so funny when people who haven't read the Bible start talking about what's in the Bible.

It's also funny when people who don't understand much about the history behind the scripture or the different inerpretations act like they're theology scholars.

Lol, it's so funny when people who haven't read the Bible start talking about what's in the Bible.

?:confused:
Hahahahaha

You should all educate yourselves (http://www.evilbible.com/Murder.htm) about what a depraved God the Biblical God is.


Yes. We all know you hate religion. And I do know a bit about theology, thank you very much. Not as much as I could, I admit, but moe than alot of people.

[Wilhelm-Scream]

Hey, I've got an open mind and love learning. Please enlighten me as to the correct translation and historically contextual justification of:

This is what the Lord of hosts has to say: kill men and women, children and infants, oxen and sheep, camels and asses.'

I will fill your mountains with the dead. Your hills, your valleys, and your streams will be filled with people slaughtered by the sword. I will make you desolate forever.Then you will know that I am the LORD.

Then the LORD said to Joshua, "Do not be afraid or discouraged. Take the entire army and attack Ai,


That night the angel of the Lord went forth and struck down one hundred and eighty five thousand men in the Assyrian camp.

"This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: Strap on your swords! Go back and forth from one end of the camp to the other, killing even your brothers, friends, and neighbors."

The LORD issued the following command to Moses: "Seize all the ringleaders and execute them before the LORD in broad daylight. Phinehas thrust the spear all the way through the man's body and into the woman's stomach. So the plague against the Israelites was stopped, but not before 24,000 people had died.


LoL
I guess if you really study theology hard, none of th^t sounds blood-thirsty, intolerant, savage or downright evil anymore. :confused:
:rolleyes:

[The Question]

You mention the bad, but you ignore the good. Love your neighbor as you love yourself, turn the other cheek, all that stuff. You're not an expert on the bible. You've read it, I can see, but then you simply reference all the writings that are bad or could be interpreted as bad. The Bible isn't evil. Christianity, Judaism, Islam, none of them are inherently evil. I'm not saying that the parts you've posted are nice and fluffy. I'm saying that you actually have to understand the history of these texts and not simply take them at face value. But of course, you're probably not going to do that. Nope. Christianity is pure evil and that's that. Might aswell burn all religious texts in the world and piss on all the preists for good measure.

[Wilhelm-Scream]

yeah, you're wrong. I bring up the good in the Bible if it's relevant. I just brought up "Turn the other cheek" freaking YESTERDAY. If you don't believe me you can look it up.

Here, I read one person saying "there are bits" of genocide in the OT and another saying "I think there was O.N.E. time where God cammanded the Israelites to kill."

I'm sorry but both of those statements were so ridiculously erroneous that I had to address it.
Anyway, I don't know what your definition of "expert" is, but I was a "Born-Again" Christian most of my life, raised by Christians, went to a private Christian school from 5th grade on and have read the Bible cover-to-cover (including every word of the boring-ass geneologies) 5 times.
Also, because of the struggle of believing in Christianity, but reading all of these contradictory things in the Bible, I studied for years, read books by respected momentators like C.S. Lewis and Francis Schaefer and my favorite radio program was "The Bible Answer-Man". And now I pretty much exclusively watch PBS or 3ABN (the Seventh day Adventist channel)

So please don't tell me that I don't understand the history behind all of the atrocities in the old Testament?

and finally, you're calling me a book-burner? and saying I want to urinate on believers?
Wow, you have no idea what you're talking about. My whole family and my best friend in the world are Christians.

yeah, just really, really super wrong are you.

[The Question]

You know what? Forget it. Just ****ing forget it. I really shouldn't get caught up in these arguements online.

[The Question]

God damn it. This whole stupid arguement has ruined my enjoyment of Howard the Duck. Damnit.






So, any word yet from the CAP guy's latest stupidity?

[The Hero]

You know what? Forget it. Just ****ing forget it. I really shouldn't get caught up in these arguements online.
Now let us all get on with what this thread is all about:

http://www.capalert.com/images/TCPict%20in%20Frame131x162.jpg

Making fun of this man and his ridiculous mustache.

[The Hero]

So, any word yet from the CAP guy's latest stupidity?
He put up a review of The Wicker Man (http://www.capalert.com/capreports/wickerman_the.htm) a week or two ago.He seems to be going through a donation dry spell.I'm sure he personally blames Satan.

[The Question]

I'm telling you, we should get him to reveiw Hair. I think he'd probably have a heart atack.

[The Hero]

I would love to see him review Hedwig And The Angry Inch and Heavenly Creatures.They're like every paranoid homophobic nightmare he's ever had come true.

[The Question]

Still, the sodomy song alone would give him a seizure.

[The Hero]

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/everyoneshero.htm

Wow...he actually does a sermon on "not judging by mere appearances ".Isn't this the same guy who believes that all homosexuals are card-carrying members of NAMBLA? In fact,he has this link in every one of his reviews:

http://traditionalvalues.org/images/urbanad1.gif

Moral of the story:Never judge people by appearances alone...unless your pastor told you they drink each other's urine.

[Max J Power]

Under sex/homosexuality, one of the movies had "suggestive eye movement." Ha.

I'm a Christian and I think this site is one of the most idiotic things I've seen on the internet.

[The Hero]

It get's more insane than that.He thinks that the Spongebob Squarepants Movie was trying to corrupt the children of America because Patrick says "You're hot" to a girl.

If that kind of thing offends him,this guy must projectile vomit whenever he turns on Mtv.(not that that isn't a perfectly understandable reaction)

[DDRSkata]

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/everyoneshero.htm

Wow...he actually does a sermon on "not judging by mere appearances ".Isn't this the same guy who believes that all homosexuals are card-carrying members of NAMBLA? In fact,he has this link in every one of his reviews:

http://traditionalvalues.org/images/urbanad1.gif

Moral of the story:Never judge people by appearances alone...unless your pastor told you they drink each other's urine.

So...gay people turn into the Hulk and touch androgynous little boys?

[The Hero]

I'm pretty sure that was the last fifteen minutes of Brokeback Mountain.Greatest plot twist ever.

[The Hero]

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/openseason.htm

Cute. Colorful. A couple good things to say. A couple not-so-good things to say. But why all the human underwear?

The father of one of my teenage daughter's friend's took his kids to see Open Season and wondered what on Earth it was teaching our children with all the human underwear in it. He was right. Human underwear appears being used by the forest animals in a variety of ways. One use is as a slingshot. And a teddy bear is used to emulate thong underwear. Oh, well. It's PG. I guess that makes it okay. At least, it is likely a few kids who see it will have less inhibition about public viewing of underwear.


http://www.buildingzones.com/images/screaming.gif

DEAR GOD........UNDERWEAR!!!!!! *runs away screaming* :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow:

[The Hero]

And one time one of the characters was called a "fool." Though Mr. T of "A Team" fame used this term so often as to make it seem innocuous, God disagrees. Inspection of Matthew 5:22 reveals that such a term is not acceptable to God. While there may be a "context" differential between the script and Matthew 5:22, it is not wise to try to permit societal accommodation to "second-guess" God's Word.

First of all:That's definitely sig-worthy.

Second:That pretty much sums up Carder's beliefs.Every single line in the Bible must be taken as literally as possible,and anything that contradicts it is evil,context be damned.

And I checked the Bible verse he said deemed fool an unacceptable word:

Matt. 5:22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment [krisis: accusation, trial]: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca [senseless, empty headed: a term of reproach among Jews at the time of Christ], shall be in danger of the council [sunedrion: adjudication]: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool [moros: impious, godless], shall be in danger of hell fire.
That seems to be more about anger and animosity than specifically calling someone a fool.But,everything must be taken literally at all times no matter what,so I guess Mr. T is going to hell.


http://www.agonybooth.com/extras/mr_t/medallion/mr_t_medallion_04.jpg



*sniff* We had a good run,T.We had a good run. :csad:

[The Hero]

Yes, it is sinful for even actors/actresses to engage in or suggest sexual behaviors onscreen. Not only in the behavior itself but in the influence of it on others, even if just in lustful thought or desire."Acting" does not excuse the demonstration of sin.


But.......I....you.......That's it.I give up.You win,Tom.I don't think I can take the pain anymore. :csad:

[Flexo]

But.......I....you.......That's it.I give up.You win,Tom.I don't think I take the pain anymore. :csad:

There there, Snowden, there there.

Unless you've ever seen nudity or provacative clothing/acts, in which case... :cmad:

[The Hero]

Well,there was this one time...this girl leaned over in front of me...and I could kind of see her.....Oh God,I can't! It's too horrible!!! *runs away screaming*

[MaskedManJRK]

Now let us all get on with what this thread is all about:

http://www.capalert.com/images/TCPict%20in%20Frame131x162.jpg

Making fun of this man and his ridiculous mustache.

...

...

I think that guy's a math teacher at my school.

:wow:

[Batman]

http://www.capalert.com/capreports/batmanbegins.htm

Batman Begins was delightfully lite on sexual matters.

That... that just kinda makes me sad. :( And even more hopeful that Bruce starts banging models left and right in TDK. :o

[The Hero]

We need more. Futurama, South Park, The Simpsons, Monty Python, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the list goes on and on.
I was once watching a Christian channel,where I caught an ad for one of those "The Evil Media's Influence On Children" tapes.Right in between the expected clips from Harry Potter and Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a clip of Stephen Spielberg accepting an award.Throwing a hissy fit over gay films must not be enough,now I guess we have to keep those nasty Jew men from making movies,too.

I would love to see his reaction to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.Given his thoughts on Hellboy,I wonder what he would think about Angel.

[The Hero]

From "Jesus Never Said Anything About Homosexuality" (http://www.capalert.com/jesusneversaid.htm):

He also never said anything about rape, incest or domestic violence. Are those things okay, too?

Wow.The best argument he could come up with was that homosexuality is a sin because Jesus never said that it wasn't a sin? Hey,Jesus never said anything about dowloading music off of the internet,so maybe that's a sin too.

And from "The Gay Revolutionary" (http://www.capalert.com/sexedabcdisney/gayrevol.htm):

My, how convenient that once this revealing work of apparently the real truth about the focus of the practitioner of homosexuality becomes well-known that some would try to deny its credibility as factual and accurately respresentative of the topic.
So he honestly believes that this nut is the true face of the dreaded Homosexual Agenda? (dum dum dum!) That's like saying Osama Bin Laden is the true face of Islam.

[The Hero]

Question,our prayers might just get answered:

Maybe I should watch a couple of the Buffy, the Vampire Slayer before making such a suggestion.

I love how he calls it "the Buffy, the Vampire Slayer".Yeah,kids today and their damn Mtv video games. :cmad:

But it may have come with a price...

Jesus Camp - PG-13. No sponsor, not done.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES! :csad:

[Max J Power]

What is "ghosting of female anatomy through clothing?"

[Elijya]

Somethingawful just started a thread on CAP ALert http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2128529&perpage=40&pagenumber=1

[The Hero]

Ha! This stuff is great.

Half of the Blair Witch condemnations read like blurbs from the back of the box. This "story of the mutilation murder of five men" includes "long sequences of in-your-face stark terror". Includes "137 uses of the most foul of the foul words" (is this '****'? I bet it's '****')! Can you contain the horror of..."motel cohabitation"?? Can your mind survive the ravages of "several instances of drinking alcohol"?!?! From the "fight between cohorts" to the "screaming terror sequence", Blair Witch is the hide-under-the-covers-while-on-the-edge-of-your-seat white-knuckle thrill-ride of the summer!

My favorite is Belly, which he couldn't sit through. He writes:

"I am a hard and severe man and can break three sandwiched boards with a single forward punch...but I could not stomach this movie."

He looks like he'll rape me then talk about star trek afterwards.

And then he'll break three sandwiched boards with a single forward punch! For Christ!

I'd hate to see what three forward punches could do.

This man could crush the world as we know it. All for the name of our children, then they will finally get to see movies and stories with no conflict or lessons!

Offences against God:

*sandwiched boards destroyed in unrealistic manner, repeatedly

[Ben Urich]

Oh man, have you guys seen the shirts on the site he links to?
http://www.christianshirts.net/images/designs/small/tjwcaa150.gif
http://www.christianshirts.net/images/designs/small/force150.gif
http://www.christianshirts.net/images/designs/small/abort150.gif
http://www.christianshirts.net/images/designs/small/dawg150.gif
http://www.christianshirts.net/images/designs/small/gi4jesus150.gif

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. :woot::csad:

[The Hero]

Maybe Carder drinks that magic elixer that gives Pat Robertson his super-strength.That would explain alot.