View Full Version : Five-Minute Spider-Man: The Other
JMS: Alright guys, this is what we trained for.
HUDLIN: Wonder Twin powers, activate!
PETER DAVID: Go go Jet Jaguar!
THE OTHER: By your powers combined, I am... a crappy twelve-part crossover!
***
PETER: So I'm having this Foreboding Dream, right? In it, the Marvel editors are saying I've become stale and irrelevant. They say I need to change...
MARY-JANE: You think they're going to give you a new costume? Again?
PETER: No... speaking of which, I got my new costume in one issue, with zero build-up, while this crap takes twelve issues to get over with. Did decompressed storytelling just step out for a lunch break there?
MARY-JANE: No, you see, your new costume is only part of the Road to Civil War. Civil War: Whose side are you on?
PETER: I'm on the side I've always been on... my own.
MARY-JANE: Peter, you know only badasses like Wolverine and Nick Fury are allowed to say badass stuff. You're only the goofy comic relief.
PETER: Oh, right. Sorry. Anyway, back to having sex.
MARY-JANE: Wait, we were discussing your Foreboding Dreams while having sex? Isn't that a little creepy?
PETER: It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.
***
TRACER: Hello folks, I'm a new villain. I have nothing whatsoever to do with the story arc and will in short order disappear. So, just ignore me.
SPIDER-MAN: Creesus, a new superfoe! I better have a flashback to my mentor to guide me through the fight scene!
***
UNCLE BEN: Remember Peter, with great power comes...
PETER: Not that far back.
***
EZEKIAL: You have the power of the spider within you, Peter, all you have to do is...
PETER: JMS wankery can't save me now!
***
RAMIREZ: Careful, Highlander! If your head comes away from your neck, it's over!
PETER: Nope.
***
CAPTAIN AMERICA: TAI CHI!
PETER: Yeah, that's the ticket!
***
SPIDER-MAN: And now I will catch your bullets with the power of tai chi!
BULLETS: HIT!
SPIDER-MAN: Damn, I forgot I'm not the Flash.
***
SPIDER-MAN: Whoa, Night Nurse. Thanks for the help.
DOCTOR: I'm not Night Nurse. I'm a completely different doctor who helps superheroes when they're injured, although you've never heard of me before.
SPIDER-MAN: Should I be worried you're going to let me die to prove a point to Batman?
DOCTOR: Wrong continuity, dumbkopf.
SPIDER-MAN: Why'd you call me a dumbkopf?
DOCTOR: What's your name?
SPIDER-MAN: Peter.
DOCTOR: That's why.
***
MARY-JANE: Peter, I don't want you to be a superhero.
PETER: But Mary-Jane, I HAVE TO DO IT... wait, have we had this discussion before?
MARY-JANE: Only every single issue in the past twenty years.
PETER: How does it end?
MARY-JANE: Well, the series would end if you gave in, so you always win the argument.
PETER: A husband winning an argument... that's escapist fantasy for you.
***
JAMESON: Hey kids, remember me? I'm part of the supporting cast!
PETER: I have a supporting cast?
JAMESON: You do now!
PETER: Well then, looks like things are finally going my...
DOCTOR: Peter, we ran some tests. I think you'd better see this.
PETER: Am I pregnant?
DOCTOR: Men can't get pregnant, Peter.
PETER: THANK YOU! Now can you please tell that to Paul Jenkins?
***
MORLUN: Oh, by the way, I'm still alive. And for some reason I made a reference to Peter's Foreboding Dreams. Ain't I a...
HUSH: Hey, is this the line for would-be A-list villains who can't cut it?
DR. LIGHT: Raping people makes me a badass!
WOLVERINE25TH
03-12-2006, 04:49 PM
Ha!
Captivated
03-12-2006, 04:53 PM
ROTFL! Seriously!
Just a question... who is HUSH and DR. LIGHT? Kinda lost me on that one.
More please.
:up:
Hush is a wannabe Ra's Al Ghul/Joker level villain who came about in a year-long Jeph Loeb/Jim Lee collaboration. As of late, he's been overshadowed by Red Hood and Black Mask, who actually have personalities. Not helping matters is that A.J. Lieberman, DC's answer to Chuck Austen, started trying to cram him down the fans' throats like Michael Moore at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Dr. Light is your standard joke villain for the Teen Titans, the guy who trips on his cape and knocks himself out. Then Identity Crisis revealed that he had raped a woman in the past. So, logically, now he's such a badass that he can take out all the Teen Titans and Green Arrow all by himself. This includes taking out Rav-daughter of the devil-en by HATING HER.
Both are alike in that they're supposed to be Next Big Thing villains, only nobody cares about them. Think the Gray Goblin in Spider-Man.
Citizen_Kaine
03-12-2006, 05:17 PM
Awesome Zev, I've read most of your stuff before, it's real funny ****, you need to post here more often bud :up:
"Five Minute" Mark Milliar is still my favorite though :spidey:
stillanerd
03-12-2006, 06:27 PM
:D So far so good. Love to see what you have in store for MJ and Aunt May in Iron Man armor, the eye-ripping scene, and the wolverine-esque stingers.
Alexia Dark
03-12-2006, 08:46 PM
Your jokes are getting stale. Highlander references are far too cliche, and that was definitely misused.
Captivated
03-12-2006, 10:09 PM
Your jokes are getting stale. Highlander references are far too cliche, and that was definitely misused.You've got to be kidding me... LOL... who died and left you in charge?
Symbiotica
03-12-2006, 10:35 PM
***
RAMIREZ: Careful, Highlander! If your head comes away from your neck, it's over!
PETER: Nope.
LOL. :up:
Dr. Light is your standard joke villain for the Teen Titans, the guy who trips on his cape and knocks himself out. Then Identity Crisis revealed that he had raped a woman in the past. So, logically, now he's such a badass that he can take out all the Teen Titans and Green Arrow all by himself. This includes taking out Rav-daughter of the devil-en by HATING HER.
Isn't Light that guy who the Justice League [or whoever...] decided to "reform" by wiping his mind against his will or some such thing back in the day, Superman & Batman had Zatanna do something to him... and this secret has haunted the League ever since - or some such balderdash? Not everybody in the League knew about or approved the decision, which is causing serious rifts in the team to the present day? I admit I have not read an issue of "The Flash" since Geoff Johns bowed out.
SuperFerret
03-12-2006, 10:39 PM
Isn't Light that guy who the Justice League [or whoever...] decided to "reform" by wiping his mind against his will or some such thing back in the day, Superman & Batman had Zatanna do something to him... and this secret has haunted the League ever since - or some such balderdash? Not everybody in the League knew about or approved the decision, which is causing serious rifts in the team to the present day? I admit I have not read an issue of "The Flash" since Geoff Johns bowed out.
Pretty much.
Citizen_Kaine
03-12-2006, 10:52 PM
Everything, except Batman got mind wiped because he tried to stop them. The DC 3 (Supes, Bats, WW) had absolutly nothing to do with the wipes
MORLUN: Stalk-town racers sing this song, do dah, do dah...
MARY-JANE: Oh, please. I'm an A-list character. Even given comic book misogyncy, you can't touch me. *****, I'm so untouchable, I came back from the dead.
MORLUN: ...well, could you at least PRETEND I'm menacing?
MARY-JANE: Not likely.
MORLUN: Maybe I could give you something in exchange for acting menaced. What do you want?
MARY-JANE: I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. I want to look up into your lifeless eyes and wave like this. Can you and your associates arrange that for me, Mr. Morlun?
***
MARY-JANE: Have you ever heard of "Man of La Mancha"?
STEVE ROGERS: No, I haven't.
MARY-JANE: It's a literary reference. Peter David likes to make literary references because they make him look smart for a guy who's primary method of writing is thinking up puns and then conjuring up stories to go with them.
STEVE: That's a little harsh.
MARY-JANE: So is this Pat Lee art. We all look like heroin chic!
PETER: Heya, Mary-Jane. I'm going to be a dick for no reason.
STEVE: So would that be spider-dickery?
***
STALKER FAN: Bravo! Bravo!
MARY-JANE: Whoa. Another obsessive fan. What is this, the fifth?
CO-STAR: Mary-Jane, look at this expository device!
MARY-JANE: Spider-Man fighting a villain? Something this unusual calls for drastic action!
***
SPIDER-MAN: Iron Man, thank God you're here to help me against the dread menace of... uh... hmm... what was your name again?
TRACER: Tracer.
SPIDER-MAN: Right, Tracer. Truly, a harrowing foe.
IRON MAN: I think I'd rather PUNCH YOUR FACE IN!
SPIDER-MAN: Taken to the drink again I see.
IRON MAN: No, Tracer's controlling my armor!
SPIDER-MAN: Tony, denial isn't helping anyone...
***
STALKER FAN: I've got a gun!
MARY-JANE: Big deal, I've got a pool cue and a dry witticism. Metafictionally, I'm invincible!
STALKER FAN: Wow, then this whole subplot has been quite pointless.
MARY-JANE: Really only useful to pad out an unnecessarily long story.
STALKER FAN: Yes, I've noticed that. So, how much more padding we have to do?
MARY-JANE: Lemme think... five-minute Spider-Man... about twenty seconds' worth.
STALKER FAN: Cool, wanna hear about how my psychosis started?
MARY-JANE: Let me guess, your father beat you when you were a child and now you're a jerk.
STALKER FAN: Wow, that was AMAZING!
***
MORLUN: I sent pointless stalker fan person after Mary-Jane, then helped her get a cab. I'm so shadowy, what could my true objective be!?
AUDIENCE: Dude, we already know you want to kill Spider-Man.
MORLUN: What?
AUDIENCE: You're the villain, it's what you do. And honestly, the shadowy, mysterious benefactor bit got old when Ezekial did it.
MORLUN: Could you at least PRETEND to wonder about what my true objective is?
AUDIENCE: No.
***
MARY-JANE: Peter, we need to talk.
PETER: What, because I fought a villain? Big deal, happens every issue.
MARY-JANE: It IS a big deal, Peter. This is a twelve-part crossover. It runs through every Spider-title. That means you need a character arc.
PETER: Oh God, please don't tell me I have to get over Gwen Stacy's death AGAIN. Because it's not like we haven't done that five billion times before...
MARY-JANE: No Peter, you have a death wish!
PETER: You're absolutely right! Why didn't I, or any of the fans or writers, ever notice that before?
MARY-JANE: I don't know. You know what else I don't know? What you're dying from.
PETER: Hon, nobody knows. For a twelve-part miniseries, we leave a lot of unanswered questions.
MORLUN: Like how I came back to life.
TRACER: And whatever happened to me?
THE OTHER: And why I'm supposed to be the "next great villain."
DOROTHY: And what about Scarecrow's brain!?
Cullen
03-13-2006, 02:20 PM
Not bad at all.
Angry Sentinel
03-13-2006, 02:22 PM
Laurel & Hardy's Razor... "the funniest solutions are usually the best ones"
PETER: Oh, right. Sorry. Anyway, back to having sex.
MARY-JANE: Wait, we were discussing your Foreboding Dreams while having sex? Isn't that a little creepy?
PETER: It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.
as usual, Good job :up:
Your jokes are getting stale. Highlander references are far too cliche, and that was definitely misused.
Feel free to ignore yourself, we all will.
Doc Destruction
03-13-2006, 02:46 PM
Dude...you get 50 bonus points for even mentioning Jet Jaguar!
stillanerd
03-13-2006, 02:58 PM
MORLUN: Maybe I could give you something in exchange for acting menaced. What do you want?
MARY-JANE: I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. I want to look up into your lifeless eyes and wave like this. Can you and your associates arrange that for me, Mr. Morlun?
Ha! Should've known there be a Babylon 5 reference. :up:
Dyeathrose
03-13-2006, 07:18 PM
:):up: Hilarious, Zev, and for me your avatar makes it better. *laughs* Definately a good job.
FOREBODING DREAM: Foreboding, foreboding, foreboding.
AUDIENCE: Wow, not only did we find out about Spider-Man's foreboding dreams, we also learn about Aunt May's nightmares! THIS IS ALL GOLDEN STUFF! I can see why this crossover took twelve parts.
***
PETER: Snoooooore... wha-zuh? I almost slept through my own action scene!
MARY-JANE: I didn't want to wake you.
PETER: LOUD NOISES!
MARY-JANE: LOUDER NOISES!
MAY: My, Peter's being a dick.
GEOFF JOHNS: Character development is writing a character as a dick for a while, than having them realize it and not be such a dick.
***
MAY: Well, I'm just going to hallucinate Ben as a blue Force Ghost.
BEN: The Force will be with you, always.
MAY: And while Peter and the Avengers are out saving the city, I'll talk about my lovelife.
AUDIENCE: Truly, Peter David knows what the reader wants.
TRACER: Hey, have you ever seen one of those movies where the killer and the heroine are alone in the house and both of them suspects the other knows about the killer's killerness and...
MAY: Can you hurry this subtle threatening along? It's almost time for Matlock.
***
SPIDER-MAN: Powers... failing! Body... weakening! Ellipses... dramatic!
MORLUN: Hey, remember me?
SPIDER-MAN: You... you were one of JMS' brainchildren. The villain no one cared about.
MORLUN: That's right Spidey. And I'm going to be the one to kill you. Not Doc Ock or Green Goblin, me! I am teh best villain evars!
SPIDER-MAN: So you're telling me that if I go to Z'Ha'Dum, I will die?
MORLUN: No, I'm not... okay, so my name is a mix of Morden and Vorlon. Big deal! It doesn't make me any less menacing.
SPIDER-MAN: You're right. You can't subtract from zero. Well, actually you can. I think you're actually negative menacing now, which means you're... what's the word I'm looking for? Comforting?
WOLVERINE: Even I don't know what I'm doing in this scene, but I'm going to make a fairly obscure Marx Brothers reference. Because that's so in character for me.
***
TRACER: So, we still dancing around the fact that I'm a supervillain?
MAY: Yup.
TRACER: I guess it turns out that moving Peter's family into Avengers headquarters turned out to be a bad idea. Couldn't have seen that one coming.
MAY: Nope.
TRACER: I mean, it's not like the old Avengers headquarters was blown up.
MAY: It was.
TRACER: Oh. Well, it's not like it was invaded before that and the invaders tortured a harmless old person.
MAY: That happened too.
TRACER: Ah.
SPIDER-MAN: TRACER! YOU'VE DRIVEN ME TO THE BRINK WITH YOUR...
TRACER: Eating Aunt May's sandwiches?
SPIDER-MAN: YES! I'M GOING TO ALMOST KILL YOU! THAT SHOWS I'M REALLY MAD!
TRACER: Well, I'm pretty much going to take my toys and go home. My, this is an unsatisfying resolution even for me.
MAY: Peter, I think there's something you should tell me.
SPIDER-MAN: Alright... I indirectly killed Uncle Ben.
MAY: I already knew that.
SPIDER-MAN: The man you loved, Otto Octavius... is really evil!
MAY: Knew that.
SPIDER-MAN: You died but it was really a genetically-modified actress?
MAY: God, don't remind me.
SPIDER-MAN: Alright, fine. I'm suffering from as-yet-unnamed medical problems.
AUDIENCE: Wait, so this entire issue was Aunt May figuring how what everyone reading already knew?
SPIDER-MAN: Yup, this absolutely HAD to be a twelve-parter. This is all comic book gold, can't leave one word balloon out.
Doc_OCK_4MUGEN
03-14-2006, 03:22 PM
Gah! keep it up Zev It is really hilarious Or like Sean Connery would say:
Keep up the good work Zhev. Thish ish sho hilarioush
AUNT MAY: You know what you should do? Ask some of your fellow superheroes for help with your problem.
PETER: Gee, I would never have thought of that on my own. Thank God they negated your death, you're having SUCH an important impact.
AUNT MAY: No need to get snippy.
***
LUKE CAGE: So, what are we doing here again?
SPIDER-WOMAN: Well, you're one of Bendis's pet characters and I'm Spider-Man, but with breasts. How could we NOT be in this scene?
***
REED RICHARDS: Alright Spider-Man, are you ready to find out what you're dying from?
SPIDER-MAN: Fourth part of a twelve-part crossover, I feel I'm entitled.
REED RICHARD: Okay, I'm just going to throw some buzzwords at you and you tell me the first thing that comes to mind.
SPIDER-MAN: Can't you just tell me outright?
YELLOWJACKET: Cellular degeneration.
SPIDER-MAN: Cancer?
YELLOWJACKET: Erk! Wrong answer, Spidey. Would you like to go to Double Jeopardy where the scores can really change?
SPIDER-MAN: Ummm... I guess so?
THOR: Radiation!
SPIDER-MAN: Wait a minute, why are both SCIENTIFIC and MEDICAL doctors consulting with me on this?
THOR: Verily, I doth not know. The Odinson repeats himself, radiation!
SPIDER-MAN: Ummm... radiation sickness?
REED RICHARDS: No, you're just sick from radiation! Anyway, only one man knows about radiation, and that's Bruce Banner.
SPIDER-MAN: Great, I'm going to get advice from the guy so smart that he turned himself into a big monster and accidentally killed his wife with radiation from said monster. Oh well, at least we'll have stuff to talk about... I was a clone, he was written by Bruce Jones... maybe we should form a support group.
***
HULK: HULK LIKE GRATUITOUS, POINTLESS ACTION SCENE!
SPIDER-MAN: Comic book gold, yup, that's what this is...
***
VERBOTEN DIALOGUE: "What do you think?" Spider-Man asked. "That you're standing a little close," Bruce Banner replied.
SLASHERS: Why do they tease us so?
***
BRUCE BANNER: I'm not smart enough to figure this out.
SPIDER-MAN: The problem isn't solved on the fourth issue of a twelve-part crossover? Color me surprised.
BRUCE BANNER: You're going to have to get some help, like from the Black Panther. He's so smart, he has the cure for cancer, he just doesn't want to share it with people because they smoke.
SPIDER-MAN: That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.
BRUCE BANNER: You see why people don't like Reginald Hudlin's writing?
***
BLACK PANTHER: All my people like you because they think you're a representative of Anansi, the Spider God, due to the symbol on your back.
SPIDER-MAN: I also have naked lady mudflaps on my car, think the Wiccans will be into me?
VERBOTEN DIALOGUE: "Figures I had to travel halfway around the globe to get some love," Spider-Man opined. "Yes, well, just don't remove the mask," Black Panther replied.
SPIDER-MAN: Why, because they don't like white people?
BLACK PANTHER: Yes.
SPIDER-MAN: Real superior culture you've got here, T'Challa.
BLACK PANTHER: You see why people don't like Reginald Hudlin's writing?
***
BLACK PANTHER: We mapped the human genome fifty years before Western scientists. Because we're black, you see.
SPIDER-MAN: For a cameo appearance, you're managing to stuff in a lot of soft racism.
BLACK PANTHER: I do what I can with the time I have. By the way, here is a salad that gives you superpowers. Dig in.
SPIDER-MAN: "Dig in"? Reginald Hudlin has no idea how you talk, does he?
BLACK PANTHER: You see why people... oh, the joke has run its course.
***
SPIDER-MAN: Well, all of those cameos were pointless. I'ma gonna die. Still, that was time well-spent. Not an ounce of fat on this twelve-part crossover!
***
PETER: I had my hair done up in braids! I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay...
SLASHERS: STOP TEASING US!
***
DR. STRANGE: Hey, guess what? You're gonna die.
SPIDER-MAN: Yes, I knew that.
DR. STRANGE: No, I mean it.
SPIDER-MAN: Doc? Let me tell you how this works, because you're not fooling anyone. I have a movie coming out with me in the starring role. There is no way in hell Marvel is going to kill its flagship character. Now why don't you go look like Rufus Sewell somewhere else?
DR. STRANGE: You're in my house.
SPIDER-MAN: ...so I am. Still not gonna die!
DR. STRANGE: Yes you are! And you're going to stay dead, just like Superman did when he died! Uhhh, I mean... like Hal Jordan when he died! No, wait... like Professor X... Cyclops... Magneto... okay, fine, you're going to live. But can you at least pretend that you're going to die so we can milk all the angst out of the situation?
SPIDER-MAN: Are you kidding? I'm Spider-Man. Milking angst is all I know how to do.
SPIDER-MAN: Alright, this is too retarded to make fun of, so I'm just going to tell it to you straight. I put Aunt May and Mary-Jane into old Iron Man suits so we can break into Dr. Doom's castle to... BWAHAHAHAHA!
MARY-JANE: Ha, you couldn't even get through one line! Let me. We did it so Peter could use the time machine to go back to see his parents, but... wait and see, folks.
***
SPIDER-MAN: So in the story arc entirely about the Fantastic Four and later SHIELD rolling into Latveria and disarming all of Dr. Doom's armament, none of them did anything about all these traps I have to evade?
MARY-JANE: And in that VERY SAME STORY ARC, wasn't there a bit where the Fantastic Four had already captured Dr. Doom's time machine and had it back at the Baxter Building?
SPIDER-MAN: And Dr. Doom no longer rules Latveria, so I'm going to put the people I love most in the world, the people I've sworn to keep out of my life as Spider-Man, in danger so I can have a personal jaunt back to the good old days instead of just, I don't know, asking for permission. I've done some pretty stupid things in my time to justify pointless action sequences, but I think this takes the cake.
AUNT MAY: Wait, remember that one time...
***
FLASHBACK!
WOLVERINE: Hey, Spidey, you given me back my Wham CDs yet?
SPIDER-MAN: Sorry man, lost 'em.
WOLVERINE: You're about to see what I do best, bub... but what I do best ain't very nice!
SPIDER-MAN: Or grammatically correct for that matter.
***
SPIDER-MAN: It looks like we went... Back to the Future!
AUNT MAY: You mean "back to the past," right?
SPIDER-MAN: Listen old lady, it's my book, so my pop culture reference stands. Besides, it's gotta be somebody's future.
MARY-JANE: Not your parents, since they're about to die. My, I can see why you'd want to revisit this memory...
SPIDER-MAN: Now remember everyone, no one in this era can see or touch us.
AUNT MAY: Umm, Peter, that's not how Dr. Doom's time machine works...
SPIDER-MAN: Not in front of the readers, you old bat.
MR. PARKER: Bye everyone. We're off to not really be Peter Parker's parents (Ed's note: See Mark Millar's Trouble for the whole story! Better yet, don't! Excelsior!).
SPIDER-MAN: Remember, they can't see or... MOMMY! DADDY! DON'T LEAVE ME!
MARY-JANE: Well, at least he's maintained his quiet dignity in the face of death.
SPIDER-MAN: If you don't leave, I won't die! Which is totally what I would focus on when comtemplating the relative-future deaths of my parents and Uncle Ben!
***
ROBOT 1: So, why are we even still active? Wouldn't Reed Richards or SHIELD have deactivated us?
ROBOT 2: I know, it doesn't seem much like them to leave robots capable of lethal force lying around, waiting for someone to stumble onto them. Looks like Hudlin's OOC writing spreads to titles he isn't even writing like whoa.
SPIDER-MAN: Yay! Another pointless action sequence. Not an ounce of fat etc.
AUNT MAY: I'll just save the day in my Iron Man armor, since we didn't have enough stupidity in this comic yet.
***
TONY STARK: So, you want to go on a trip to Vegas? With blackjack? And hookers! Since it's not like I just had a story arc where people thought your wife was cheating on you with me.
PETER: Tony, do you really know me so poorly that you think I'd cheat on my wife?
TONY STARK: I'm not hearing a no to the blackjack and hookers.
PETER: Umm, yes on one, no on two.
TONY STARK: Which was yes, destroy Russia or number two?
PETER: Man, that was pretty obscure even for me. I feel like a Dennis Miller routine!
***
PETER: Hey, nerds, guess what I can use my spider-sense for? Cheating at cards.
AUDIENCE: Ummm...
PETER: Really people, if this hasn't made you stop ever trying to figure out a cohesive explanation of the extent of my spider-sense, what will? Huh?
AUDIENCE: Hmmm...
***
NORTHSTAR: Hello sailor!
PETER: My spider-sense tells me you're not actually gay, you're just faking it for attention.
NORTHSTAR: That is not true! I've dated tons of guys! Like... like... OH, IT'S TRUE! IT STARTED OUT AS JUST A LITTLE JOKE AND IT SNOWBALLED OUT OF CONTROL! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING THE TOKEN GAY MUTANT ALL THE TIME!?
COLOSSUS: Only in the Ultimate universe.
PETER: My spider-sense also tells me that Ultimate me is rocking the Kitty Pryde casbah.
COLOSSUS: Oh, it is not!
PETER: Now my spider-sense is telling me that you should SHUT YOUR RUSSIAN FACE!
***
MARY-JANE: Wow, we went up to space. This is something.
PETER: Come to think of it, I probably would've preferred the hooker.
MARY-JANE: Peter, I know you wish that you could've married Gwen instead of me, but that's...
PETER: Forget it!
***
MORLUN: Hey, remember me? I still totally want to kill Spider-Man!
AUNT MAY: Hey, remember me? I'm all tore up because Peter's going to die, as shown by my single emo tear.
MORLUN: Write about it on Myspace why don't ya, granny?
AUNT MAY: MAYBE I WILL!
The Hero
04-10-2006, 05:38 PM
This makes me glad I only picked up the last two issues.:(
MaskedManJRK
04-10-2006, 08:55 PM
Too funny, my friend. :D
KingOfDreams
04-10-2006, 09:25 PM
funny! :up:
onceasaint
04-12-2006, 09:45 AM
With the whole visiting T'Challa part of the storyline I was really hoping for a few Ace Ventura jokes, with Shikaka in place of Anansi the spider-god-thing-plotdevice-badidea-ism and the super mystical salad (it didnt even come with dressing!). Lack of Shikaka and salad dressing aside, I hope you keep this up Zev, its hilarious.
shinlyle
04-12-2006, 11:02 AM
The thing that makes this thread so funny is that it is entirely true.
This is ACTUALLY how the storyline went. Nice work, Zev!
Hey, JMS-supporters....what do you think? No...really....both of you can speak up.:p
The Hero
04-12-2006, 12:19 PM
The sad thing?Before Sins Past,I was in love with JMS.:(
The sad thing?Before Sins Past,I was in love with JMS.:(
We all were, Hero. We all were.
Electro UK
04-12-2006, 01:28 PM
Zev dude, this is amazingly funny. Keep up the great work :up:
shinlyle
04-12-2006, 01:31 PM
We all were, Hero. We all were.
It's true. :(
Hell I was almost ready to forgive him after the "Hydra Arc", and then he followed up with the "Other"...
There was a poll conducted before Sins Past as to what was the best Spidey-book. ASM was ahead by a staggering margin.
After SP and especially after the "Other", all that changed.
Norman Osborn
04-12-2006, 01:38 PM
It's true. :(
Hell I was almost ready to forgive him after the "Hydra Arc", and then he followed up with the "Other"...
There was a poll conducted before Sins Past as to what was the best Spidey-book. ASM was ahead by a staggering margin.
After SP and especially after the "Other", all that changed.
Yup, Hydra was great....wouldn't wanna write too many great spidey stories :(
MaxCarnage
04-12-2006, 01:47 PM
Finally, The Other is making me tear up for reasons other than disappointment and a feeling of utter hopelesness!
Nathan
04-12-2006, 01:49 PM
Can anyone tell me how Morlun came back in the first place? The last time I saw him he turned to dust after being shot.
MaxCarnage
04-12-2006, 01:50 PM
Can anyone tell me how Morlun came back in the first place? The last time I saw him he turned to dust after being shot.
I am not sure even JMS could explain that one. :confused:
shinlyle
04-12-2006, 01:50 PM
Yup, Hydra was great....wouldn't wanna write too many great sidey stories :(
I know...then we might start to expect them, or something....:mad:
Nathan
04-12-2006, 01:56 PM
I am not sure even JMS could explain that one. :confused:
So he appeared for no reason at all, just to give Spidey another beating?
I know...then we might start to expect them, or something....:mad:
I know. Sometimes I just want to slap JMS around and say "You did Babylon 5! You're better than this!" But I have a feeling he would just go into a string of quasi-mystical emo babble and I would die a little inside.
The Hero
04-12-2006, 05:47 PM
I was liking him enough to look past slappy the spider fairy,and the ditching of the supporting characters....and then he introduced us to Norman's magnetic personality.:(
And he's like "fetch" with the whole Spider-totem-great-weaver-Morlun-Ezekial-Other thing. I wish someone would sit him down and say "Stop trying to make Spider-totem happen! It's not going to happen!"
Doc_OCK_4MUGEN
04-13-2006, 07:18 AM
Holy crap Zev! you're right... JMS is not "Grool"... and his totem is "Fetch"
shinlyle
04-13-2006, 09:35 AM
I know. Sometimes I just want to slap JMS around and say "You did Babylon 5! You're better than this!" But I have a feeling he would just go into a string of quasi-mystical emo babble and I would die a little inside.
JMS has nothing but useless babble and asanine insults. Every time someone tries to politely ask him a question, he rubs his credentials in their face and tells them how afraid of change they are.
Really mature and professional, eh?:up:
READERS: God, we're six issues in and Spider-Man is STILL ALIVE! Just hurry up and die already, arachnid!
SPIDER-MAN: Since I learned I was dying, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before; birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights (not verboten, but pretty close).
MORLUN: Hey, remember me? Pretty much my only plot purpose here is to kill you, since you need to both go down fighting, yet still have a degenerative illness so you can have a lot of touching "deathbed" moments.
SPIDER-MAN: So the writers can have their cake and eat it too?
MORLUN: Precisely. Only replace "cake" with you and "writers" with me and eat with... well, actually, leave eat alone.
SPIDER-MAN: Funny, that's the same thing I said to John Bryne about my origin. "LEAVE EEEEEEEET ALONE!" Also, I'm not even going to bother talking with you or asking how you came back from the dead, just going straight to the fight here.
MORLUN: NOW? Now the story decides to pick up the pace (although not really, as the fight stretches into next issue)? Don't you want to hear about how I came back from the dead?
SPIDER-MAN: Not really. I mean, you're still Morlun. No one cares about you. No one will ever care about you. You're just another pet-project character that a creator tries to shove down the audience's throat, like Fusion or Hush. NO ONE LIKES YOU. NO ONE HATES YOU. YOU ARE WORTHLESS.
MORLUN: But I... I eat Spider...
SPIDER-MAN: SHUT UP! God, we just got past overusing Venom to the point that we had him commit SUICIDE just to get him to shut up, not to mention Green Goblin being behind every single thing that's ever gone wrong in my life! And now YOU come in. Say what you will about Venom and Norman, but at least they started out as good villains. You're just a pathetic little ***** with delusions of grandeur and an outstanding sense of entitlement who thinks he's cool. You know what that makes you? That makes you PARIS ****ING HILTON. So bring it on, because I have had enough of wallowing in self-pity and thinking my wife is dead and finding out dark secrets about the past. Say Gwen cheated on me, fine. Say Uncle Ben molested, go on, I dare you. But don't think that will stop me. People love me DESPITE you people's writing, not because of that.
REGINALD HUDLIN: You people?
SPIDER-MAN: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
REGINALD HUDLIN: Oh, just for that, I'm having you get an eyeball eaten.
SPIDER-MAN: Good to see someone's doing their part to help a flagship character capture the kiddie audience again.
***
SPIDER-MAN: Hey, you know what would be great for the drama in this fight?
MORLUN: What?
SPIDER-MAN: If some of the Daily Bugle staff would stand around, not six feet away, and compare this fight to the Thing fighting the Hulk.
MORLUN: I might have to waste them just on general principle.
SPIDER-MAN: Tell me about it.
***
VERBOTEN DIALOGUE: "It's time for a change of scenery and I know just the place. Empire State University. Where Spider-Man was born. And, now, where he may die. Oh, the irony. Here's where I make my last stand."
SPIDER-MAN: I see someone's read "full circle storytelling for dummies." Cree-ips. Since when do I talk about myself in the third-person? And why does ESU look like the set in the movie? Marvel does realize that Sam Raimi's Spider-Man and Comic Book Spider-Man are two different characters, right?
MORLUN: Of course! Sam Raimi Spider-Man looks like Tobey Maguire, while Comic Book Spider-Man looks like Jason Priestley.
SPIDER-MAN: Thank you, Mike Deodata.
MORLUN: Could be worse. You could look like Sean Penn.
SPIDER-MAN: That wouldn't be... AWESOME! TOTALLY AWESOME!
MORLUN: Say, why aren't the other Avengers helping you out right now?
SPIDER-MAN: I don't know. Neither does the audience, so I'm just going to point out this glaring plot hole for their benefit.
MORLUN: So, I'm about to kill you. For reals this time. And just to show you how serious the situation is, I'm going to graphically pluck out your eyeball and eat it.
SPIDER-MAN: What the hell? Did Dario Argento take over writing chores there for a minute?
MORLUN: God, you don't get it, do you? Your bright, colorful costume. Your witty one-liners. Your beautiful wife and loving aunt. PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THAT ****. They want sex and rape and death and bodily mutilation.
SPIDER-MAN: That's not true! People want good stories!
MORLUN: Do they? Think back, Spider-Man. Think back to your supporting cast...
SPIDER-MAN: That's right! I have one of the best supporting casts in comic books!
MORLUN: Do you now? Harry Osborn, dead. Flash Thompson, comatose. Ned Leeds, dead. Jean Dewolffe, dead. The Daily Bugle... never seen except for the briefest of cameos. Face it, Spidey. The only supporting cast you have left is your family.
SPIDER-MAN: No! I have friends! Good friends! People I have to hide my secret identity from...
MORLUN: We've killed them all, Spider-Man. One by one. Sure, we had to bring back Aunt May and Mary-Jane, but it doesn't matter. They'll never be seen after you die. We're going to replace you with a new hero, a better hero. He'll be a teenager like the kids want to read about, with sexy cool friends and a politically-correct minority background which we'll respect by having him say a few phrases in Spanish, entienda? It is... inevitable.
SPIDER-MAN: No! Not even the completionists will go along with that! This time you've gone too far!
MORLUN: That's what they said about organic webbing. And Gwen Stacy's children. Yet they just keep reading, don't they? They'll always keep reading. Hitler had his useful idiots and so do we. The truth is, we'd never pull these kind of stunts if we didn't know the controversy would drive us up the sales charts. Look at Infinite Crisis. Do you know how much money they're making? And they're portraying the people who want the universe to be happy, escapist fun again as genocidial maniacs. People get the stories they deserve, Spider-Man. Do you know how much better this crap is selling than Dan Slott's Thing? Search your feelings, Peter, you know it to be true.
SPIDER-MAN: That's not true! That's impossible!
MORLUN: Join me. Together we can end this destructive continuity and bring constant event storytelling to the galaxy. Sure, we did the same thing in the nineties and failed, but this time we'll get it right. We can make you a swinging bachelor again, with a cool new costume.
SPIDER-MAN: I'll never join you!
MORLUN: It is your destiny. Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as overexposed villain and dark, gritty superhero. Come with me. It's the only way.
SPIDER-MAN: No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
shinlyle
04-19-2006, 12:49 PM
LOL!!!
Any time you can throw in some quotes from Empire, it's a good day, indeed!!
Well done, Zev! :up:
Doc_OCK_4MUGEN
04-19-2006, 02:53 PM
*Standing ovation* Zev you are awesome! Love the Ep V references...
The Hero
04-19-2006, 04:42 PM
I must reiterate:I am very,very glad I only picked up two of the last issues.
Though I do like Deodata's art,Jason Priestley-Spidey and all.
MORLUN: Spider-Man, you are defeated. I've beaten you into a pulp, driven you insane with twisted mindgames, and pulled a BtVS season 7 Xander on you. What can save you now?
COPS: Deus ex machina to the rescue! You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!
MORLUN: Curses, post-9/11 unity, my one weakness! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
***
PARAMEDIC: Quick, take him to the hospital!
SPIDER-MAN: What about my secret identity?
PARAMEDIC: Don't worry, you're so beat up no one can tell who you are.
SPIDER-MAN: Just like in Marvel Knights Spider-Man?
PARAMEDIC: Don't be ridiculous! This is totally different. There, the villain attacked you again in your hospital room!
MORLUN: 'Sup?
***
SPIDER-MAN: The man is gone, only the spider remains. I am the Spider (since that went over so well last time we did it)!
MORLUN: Well, din-din. I think I'll take your advice, Spider-Man, and begin by... eating your shorts!
SPIDER-MAN: That's Bart Simpson!
MORLUN: Don't have a cow, man.
MARY-JANE: Leave him alone!
MORLUN: Although it's hard to top me eating Spider-Man's eye, I'm sure a bit of family-friendly violence against nonsuperpowered women, like breaking your arm, will do just fine!
MARY-JANE: My arm's not broken.
MORLUN: Yes it is, I just broke it.
MARY-JANE: No, I'm fine, see?
MORLUN: That's impossible! How can your arm be broken one issue, I mean minute, and then fine the next?
MARY-JANE: You're asking me how *I* healed? We don't even know how you came back from the dead yet!
MORLUN: Oh, yeah, right. Well, anyway, time to kill the hero's significant other in front of him, since that never spurs them onto...
SPIDER-MAN: EAT YO HEAD!
MORLUN: WTF?
SPIDER-MAN: Taste spider-stingers!
MORLUN: WTF!?
MARY-JANE: Oh my God! My husband, Spider-Man, just ate one of his enemies!
PETER DAVID: Don't worry, folks, it's still the same old Peter Parker.
SPIDER-MAN: Anyone got some fava beans and a nice chianti?
***
SPIDER-MAN: Well, time for a touching deathbed scene.
MARY-JANE: Peter, Peter...
SPIDER-MAN: Ahh, skip it, we all know Marvel doesn't have the balls to keep me dead. Well, I'm outta here! See you in the morning...
MARY-JANE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
DARTH VADER: No, no, you're doing it wrong. From lower in the throat, like this: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MARY-JANE: Thanks.
WOLVERINE: Whew! I'm back from serving with the five hundred X-Men teams I'm on! What'd I miss?
stillanerd
04-23-2006, 07:54 PM
LOL on both segments, Zev.:up: And TWO Star Wars references in a row, and each one fit (and part 6 was so true not just about Spider-Man but the entire mainstream comics industry in general).
Maybe I'm being a bit premature, but the way things are going, I can imagine that in part 8 where Wolverine starts hitting on MJ, he'll also demand from her compensation for her late husband violating trademark infringement with regards to the stingers.
shinlyle
04-24-2006, 10:05 AM
LOL!!!!
Zev.....best one....ever!!!!
Awesome, man!
"EAT YO HEAD!"
Ah....instant classic!!:up: :up:
Rock on!
The Truth, and nothing but the truth, my man!!!!
Tell it to the youth!
Gregatron
04-24-2006, 04:16 PM
We all were, Hero. We all were.
No. We "all" really weren't.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh my God, they killed Spider-Man!
IRON MAN: You bastards!
SENTRY: Don't worry, everyone, I'll just spin around the Earth really fast, thus reversing the rotation of the planet and turning back time so...
MARY-JANE: Oh, shut up. You're just another one of the five thousand Superman knock-offs Marvel has. What are you even doing in the Avengers?
SENTRY: Bendis says I look pretty...
ECHO: Please to be not worrying, everyone! I'll just... uh... do something, because I'm Ronin and...
AVENGERS: ...
ECHO: I had sex with Daredevil!
LUKE CAGE: Oh, who hasn't!? Once you get a taste of his billy club, no woman is ever enough.
JESSICA JONES: This explains the anal sex...
***
AUNT MAY: So, wait, you're saying this is just more filler...
MARY-JANE: Between Spider-Man's "death" and the inevitable resurrection.
AUNT MAY: Wow, what a great chance to touch base with some of the Spider-Man supporting cast! We can what the Daily Bugle staff thinks of this, and his fellow teachers, and Captain Lamont, and Black Cat, and the Fantastic Four, and... oh hell, it's just going to be more of the New Avengers, isn't it?
NEW AVENGERS: ALL WILL LOVE US AND DESPAIR!
***
STEVE ROGERS: So, MJ, my condolences. All of us New Avengers will be dropping in for a few words to make this... come to think of it, this is actually a pretty lackluster event. No cameos from the Fantastic Four or the X-Men, just the New Avengers who have assimilated themselves into the supporting cast.
NEW AVENGERS: Resistance is futile. Your technological and metafictional diversity shall be added to our 'Bendis-speak.'
STEVE ROGERS: Twelve issues and we wasted half of them with Peter ill, only for him to die in battle. WTF is that all about?
MARY-JANE: Shut up and look sad.
STEVE ROGERS: I can't, I'm being drawn by Pat Lee!
***
TONY STARK: Anyway, we could make your husband's death look like a boating accident...
MARY-JANE: THIS WAS NO BOATING ACCIDENT!
TONY STARK: Jaws reference, Star Wars reference... man, these are some classy allusions. I'm so glad we're not making some overused, pointless, contrived pop culture reference.
MARY-JANE: Could we say that Peter died from snakes?
TONY STARK: Snakes?
MARY-JANE: Yes. Snakes.
MARY-JANE: ON A PLANE!
***
WOLVERINE: Instead of being short and hairy, I'm tall and pretty! I heart manga!
MARY-JANE: You bastard! Manga is as overused and cookie-cutter as Liefeldism in the nineties!
WOLVERINE: But now that your Diktoesque husband is gone, we could make a new, manga Spider-Man...
MARY-JANE: Stay away from me or I'll kill you! I swear, I'll find a way and I'll kill you!
WOLVERINE: I'll expect royalties from Mr. Bone Spurs' widow!
***
JESSICA: Hey, since we're both chicks, I guess we'd better talk about feelings and ****.
MARY-JANE: Yes. Indeed.
JESSICA: You see, there's a way about Spider-men. When one dies, another is called. A spider-man... or woman... stands alone against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness.
MARY-JANE: Why are you telling me this?
JESSICA: Well, we've already got an Oz.
WOLVERINE: Yo.
JESSICA: And a Giles.
JARVIS: Salutations.
JESSICA: Now we just need a Willow and you're the only redhead I know.
MARY-JANE: What about Jean Grey?
JESSICA: She's dead... this week.
MARY-JANE: I don't know... becoming a witch... and bisexual?
JESSICA: Don't worry, I've called in an expert on being bisexual.
BLACK CAT: Isn't it disturbing that in a miniseries that first alludes to me having lesbian tendencies, I'm also, for the first time, identified as being raped at a young age?
MARY-JANE: Now that I think about it, that is quite disturbing.
KEVIN SMITH: Goddamnit, I was trying to put out a Message! People need to be told about this important social Message!
MARY-JANE: Which is?
KEVIN SMITH: Rape is bad.
MARY-JANE: ...I think we all already knew that.
KEVIN SMITH: No, no, you don't get it. Rape is bad.
BLACK CAT: Yes, we already knew that. Why don't you tell us something we don't already know, like drug abuse is bad?
JESSICA: Oh, snap! Kevin Smith got burned!
MARY-JANE: What do you have to say to that, nerd?
KEVIN SMITH: Oh, I have a comeback! I have a perfect comeback! Just give me three years to come up with it! MUAHAHAHAHA!
JESSICA: This satire is becoming increasingly scattershot.
BLACK CAT: It's a twelve-part miniseries. That's room for a lot of targets. Including my zipper. What is with this thing? Why won't it go all the way up?
MARY-JANE: The collective will of the audience?
***
INTRUDER ALERT: Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!
MARY-JANE: What's going on with my husband's body?
LUKE CAGE: Nothing, MJ. He just went skinny-dipping.
MARY-JANE: Without his clothes?
LUKE CAGE: Without his skin.
***
TEACHER: And now I'll give the audience exposition cleverly disguised as a lesson.
STUDENT: Teacher, how come teachers in movies and comic books are always able to distill lessons relevant to the plot, considering that in real life, teachers can't even distill lessons relevant to the real world?
TEACHER: It's simple. The Metafiction.
STUDENT: What's the Metafiction?
TEACHER: (get ready for the now obligatory Star Wars reference!) The Metafiction is what gives a plot device its power. It's an energy field created by all living plot points. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the story together. It also makes possible the Ironic Segue.
STUDENT: What's that?
TEACHER: An overused stylistic device in the Buffyverse.
STUDENT: Huh?
TEACHER: Well, it's just an emphasis on situational irony, such as there being a 'monster' present...
COCOON: Yo.
TEACHER: While I say there's no such thing as monsters. Any other questions?
STUDENT: Yeah. Who is F.A.C.A.D.E.?
TEACHER: Go to the principal's office.
STUDENT: But we're on a field trip!
TEACHER: Then you'd better start walking, now hadn't you?
stillanerd
04-25-2006, 07:40 PM
Maybe I'm being a bit premature, but the way things are going, I can imagine that in part 8 where Wolverine starts hitting on MJ, he'll also demand from her compensation for her late husband violating trademark infringement with regards to the stingers.
WOLVERINE: Instead of being short and hairy, I'm tall and pretty! I heart manga!
MARY-JANE: You bastard! Manga is as overused and cookie-cutter as Liefeldism in the nineties!
WOLVERINE: But now that your Diktoesque husband is gone, we could make a new, manga Spider-Man...
MARY-JANE: Stay away from me or I'll kill you! I swear, I'll find a way and I'll kill you!
WOLVERINE: I'll expect royalties from Mr. Bone Spurs' widow!
So, Zev, should I just send you a PM to collect MY royalty check now? :D
Bravisimo :up:
LarryLegend
04-25-2006, 09:16 PM
Nice Kevin Smith diss
Norman Osborn
04-25-2006, 09:30 PM
As fantastic as that whole script was......twas only this that made me shoot milk through my nose
"INTRUDER ALERT: Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!"
I have no idea why I found that so damn hilarious!!:up:
As fantastic as that whole script was......twas only this that made me shoot milk through my nose
"INTRUDER ALERT: Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!"
I have no idea why I found that so damn hilarious!!:up:
I know! So far it's my favorite Fiver bit.
shinlyle
04-26-2006, 10:26 AM
INTRUDER ALERT: Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!
I'm with you fellers. This part made me bust out laughing. Also, whether or not you realize it, Zev, it's another Kevin Smith diss, as he introduced a character named "Onomatopoeia" in his Green Arrow run!
So, it works on three levels:
1) It's funny that instead of using AOOGA or anything, you simply used the word Onomatopoeia to represent Onomatopoeia.
2) It's another Kevin Smith diss.
3) It's a funny word to say. "Onomatopoeia"!!!!
Can't wait until Peter's lackluster return and battle against a bunch of...*gasp* spiders!!!:eek:
MaxCarnage
04-26-2006, 11:01 AM
MARY-JANE: Shut up and look sad.
STEVE ROGERS: I can't, I'm being drawn by Pat Lee!
lmfao
IRON MAN: This is Iron Man. Still no sign of Spider-Man's skeleton... wait, I've got it! Wait, false alarm, it's just Kate Moss.
KATE MOSS: Oh, a thin joke, real original.
MARY-JANE: Wait a minute... what if Peter's not really dead?
SPIDER-WOMAN: Come on, someone being thought dead and then not really being dead? When has that happened?
MARY-JANE: I'm standing right here, you know.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: So am I.
***
LORIEN: The universe began with a word. But which came first: the word or the thought behind the word? You can't create language without thought, and you can't conceive a thought without language, so which created the other, and thus created the universe?
SPIDER-MAN: Hey, this is nothing like that OTHER quasi-spiritual experience JMS wrote. This is completely different. Why, look at this completely different immortal mentory person!
SPIDER-MENTOR: Sup.
SPIDER-MAN: Oh great spider-mentor, what lessons have you for me?
SPIDER-MENTOR: You have ignored the fact that you really are part Spider.
SPIDER-MAN: Ignored? Like when I dressed up like a spider and went around calling myself "Spider-Man"?
SPIDER-MENTOR: Yes, besides that. But you ARE the spider, even if you're afraid of it!
SPIDER-MAN: So what, you're saying every arachnophobe is really a closetted arachnid?
SPIDER-MENTOR: ...I could not have foreseen this twist on my words.
SLASHER: We sure could!
SPIDER-MAN: Damnit, I'm not having sex with Johnny Storm! Scat!
The Slashers run off, except for one.
SLASHER: What about Venom?
Spider-Man takes off his shoe and throws it, hitting the remaining Slasher on the head.
SLASHER: Oww!
SPIDER-MENTOR: You have committed the sin of never wondering whether you could shoot stingers out of your wrists and eat people's heads.
SLASHER: I have?
SPIDER-MAN: He was talking to me. Ummm... why would I want to do any of those things?
SPIDER-MENTOR: Damnit, you'll eat people's heads and you'll like it, boy!
SPIDER-MAN: Yes, but how do I come back to life?
SPIDER-MENTOR: Give us a hug.
http://img437.imageshack.us/img437/967/amazingspiderman527165jq.jpg
SPIDER-MAN: I wuv the Other THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS much!
SPIDER-MENTOR: He has embraced his true self! Put another coin in the slot!
SPIDER-MAN: Woohoo, bonus life!
***
http://img119.imageshack.us/img119/5471/amazingspiderman527185mq.jpg
SPIDER-MAN: When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of your world!
FANGIRLS (and some fellas): Mmmm... it certainly is "better down where it's wetter."
***
AUNT MAY: Well, we'll just have to face it. Peter's dead.
KNOCK KNOCK.
MARY-JANE: Who could that be?
PETER: Land spider.
MARY-JANE: What?
PETER: Haha! Not dead!
MARY-JANE: Score!
***
LUKE CAGE: Ummm, Peter, about your Spider-Man outfits...
PETER: Yeah?
LUKE CAGE: We kinda disposed of all of them.
TONY STARK: Yeah, that's right... disposed...
***
SPIDER-TONY: Hey ladish! I'm singlesh!
FELICIA: Alright, let's have lots of sex outside of wedlock.
JOEY Q: Nine-year-olds love this kinda thing! Hmmm... we may be on to something here...
Uh-oh! That looks like trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Peter David! To be continued, true believer! Also, long as I'm here, take a look at the fic. Link's in the sig. Join us, won't you?
shinlyle
05-01-2006, 02:40 PM
Man...I can't wait to read the conclusion to this, Zev! You've really outdone yourself!:up:
stillanerd
05-01-2006, 03:52 PM
Man...I can't wait to read the conclusion to this, Zev! You've really outdone yourself!:up:
Yeah, it keeps getting better and better (and offering disturbing insights that what Spidey really had was a "wet dream." :eek: :D) But no "Ride me like Seabuscit" crack? Zev, man, your parodies just aren't complete without that signature line. :)
BTW, loved this exchange:
SPIDER-MENTOR: You have committed the sin of never wondering whether you could shoot stingers out of your wrists and eat people's heads.
SLASHER: I have?
SPIDER-MAN: He was talking to me.
:up:
Doc_OCK_4MUGEN
05-02-2006, 07:31 AM
SPIDER-MAN: When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of your world!
FANGIRLS (and some fellas): Mmmm... it certainly is "better down where it's wetter."
Oh! Zev! you... you... *ROFL*That's *ROFL* too much... The Little Mermaid... freakin' sweet!
This is the funniest, wittiest critique on current Spider-Man comics today.
It's long, but reads very fast. Won't you join Zev as he pulls out the truth?
Come on now. Start at page 1.
:spidey:
TONY STARK: Peter, you know that eye you lost? It grew back.
PETER: Awww, I wanted to get a robot eye, like that one guy... the guy with the robot eye... Dark something, I think? Maybe Cyber-thing? I don't know, something like that.
FANS: Isn't this kind of homoerotic? Peter in his underwear, Tony watching him...
TONY: Hey, just because I spy on Peter while he's sleeping and give him expensive gifts does not mean I'm gay for him! Now, Peter, imagine your body is a car. Now, your odometer has been reset.
PETER: Really? Did you... check under the hood?
TONY: I had to. Your... engine light was on. I may need to... check your oil level.
PETER: Really? Is your... dipstick long enough to reach the oil?
TONY: It's big enough for the job.
PETER: Really? You'll have to show me some time.
TONY: If you think you can take it.
PETER: I think I could handle it just fine.
TONY: You know, I believe you could.
PETER: I have no idea what we're talking about.
***
HENRY PYM: Let us all have a discussion on the Vitruvian Man. Because that's so in character for us to throw around trivia like that.
TONY STARK: Yes, let's. I'll throw in a Kafka reference.
REED RICHARDS: You Peter David characters do love your writerly business, don't you?
PETER: Hey, I speak for the audience around here, bub!
WOLVERINE: (cameo!) Hey, I'm the one who says bub, bub!
SUPERGIRL: Hey, I'm the one who carpet bombs titles with cameos... bub!
PETER: Eww! Judging by those ribs, it's some kind of malnourished demon spawn! Kill it! Kill it!
***
SPIDERS: Foreboding foreboding foreboding!
PETER: Jinx myself jinx myself jinx myself.
FLASH THOMPSON: Uncomatose uncomatose uncomatose.
***
MARY-JANE: Time to tie up our mini-feud of about two pages.
LOGAN: Let's shake on it!
MARY-JANE: Oww!
LOGAN: Sorry, sometimes my claws just go off on their own... it'd probably help if you didn't have your top cut so low...
***
PETER: So, Henry, have you stopped beating your wife yet?
PYM: Actually, I have.
PETER: Man, that joke never gets old!
TONY: Hey, Peter, let's go over some costume redesigns.
PETER: Ehh, I'm sure you'll come up with something great.
TONY: Really? Because I can't remember whether a spider has eight legs or seven... and is a red and gold color scheme alright with you?
PETER: Whuzzat? Not listening. Ladeeladeedah...
TONY: Well, I'll just tap you on your shoulder to get your...
PETER: STEP BACK! KISS MYSELF!
TONY: My God! It's like he's tapped into some kind of... Speed Force!
AUNT MAY: I'm going to boss all of you around. Because see, I'm a little old lady and you're all superheroes, so you'd think it would be the other way around... it's funny... LAUGH DAMN YOU!
PETER DAVID SCHTICK: Hasn't gotten any funnier since Incredible Hulk.
***
LUKE CAGE: Well, it's been five minutes, time for another Peter David ironic segue.
JESSICA DREW: Come on, I'm sure Peter David can go one issue without having one person say something and then cutting to someone else saying something ironically similar. All we have to do is avoid saying anything that anyone could possibly use in a different, seemingly innocuous conversation.
LUKE CAGE: So you're saying we just have to ride it out?
***
SPIDER-MAN: Ride me, Mary-Jane. Ride me like Seabiscuit! Literally!
MARY-JANE: Since you look like Jason Priestley now, shouldn't we replace the Tobey Maguire reference?
SPIDER-MAN: This isn't a Fox sci-fi TV show! We don't just stop it for no good reason! It's a way of life!
MARY-JANE: No, give me a minute to come up with something better... I know! Work at the Peach Pit like Brandon Walsh(tm)!
SPIDER-MAN: I suppose it would be kind of hypocritical to retcon this new trademark saying out of continuity?
MARY-JANE: Yes.
SPIDER-MAN: Fine, from now on instead of saying "Ride me like Seabiscuit" we'll say "Work at the Peach Pit like Brandon Walsh."* But later on, I'd better get a supportive, friendly hug.
MARY-JANE: Baby, you can supportively hug me anywhere you want!
***
PETER DAVID: Hmmm, need to do something fresh and original to debut this new villain. I know! I'll have the characters talk to each other in captions which Ironically also describe what's going on in the otherwise unrelated picture! Genius!
***
MARY-JANE: Long, boring conversation about our relationship which also resolves your emotional issue of the week?
SPIDER-MAN: Check!
MARY-JANE: My God! Look what's happened to Titan Tow... err... I mean, the Baxter Build... uh, I mean... Phallic Tower!
SPIDER-MAN: Mothra's encased herself in a cocoon! She's going to emerge as a butterfly to rip **** up!
MARY-JANE: ...except not.
SPIDER-MAN: Awww, come on! That would crack the Internet in half!
MARY-JANE: Just make a silly joke and go with it.
SPIDER-MAN: But... but we were going to have sex!
MARY-JANE: Move! Go save the day!
SPIDER-MAN: I promise to work on your Peach Pit...
MARY-JANE: Now!
***
SPIDER-MAN: Holy crap! An evil villain made out of spiders! I haven't seen that in two or three story arcs! So, not content to merely rip off the Green Goblin and the Shocker, JMS is now ripping off his OWN villains. Good to know.
THE OTHER: But I'm a woman! I'm thus totally different!
SPIDER-MAN: So you're not the Gatekeeper?
THE OTHER: It's ambiguous.
SPIDER-MAN: Look, are you the Gatekeeper or aren't you!?
THE OTHER: Not that I know of.
Spider-Man slams door. The Other knocks on it again. Spider-Man opens it.
SPIDER-MAN: Are you the Gatekeeper?
THE OTHER: Yes. Actually I'm a friend of his, he asked me to meet him here.
SPIDER-MAN: Do you want this body?
THE OTHER: Nah, I'm pretty full, not in the mood for seconds.
SPIDER-MAN: You ate my old skin? Grossss! How the hell did that happen?
***
THE OTHER: (finding Peter's old skin) Ooh yesh. Yesh yesh yesh yesh. This is a keeper.
WEBBED SCIENTIST: Aaaall right... you're not going to put that skin in your mouth, are you? You did... ok... that's just gross.
THE OTHER: Yesh, salty. Yesh that was good.
***
THE OTHER: Perhaps you could use those new spider stingers against me!
SPIDER-MAN: Actually, spider fly swatters would come in more handy...
THE OTHER: I make escapey!
SPIDER-MAN: Come back here, Other! I still have to make a bunch of Lost jokes! What's behind the Hatch? Don't ever tell me what I can't do! Walt! WALT! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
To be continued... under the penmanship (and reverse racism) of Reginald Hudlin. Buckle up, this one's the mother lode...
*This has nothing to do with legal threats from the estate of Red Pollard or a court order from Jeff Bridges. I love you, Jeff!
The Hero
05-08-2006, 06:54 PM
Did Spider-Man acually make a Lost joke?
That just seems...wrong.
stillanerd
05-08-2006, 09:41 PM
SPIDER-MAN: Ride me, Mary-Jane. Ride me like Seabiscuit! Literally!
MARY-JANE: Since you look like Jason Priestley now, shouldn't we replace the Tobey Maguire reference?
SPIDER-MAN: This isn't a Fox sci-fi TV show! We don't just stop it for no good reason! It's a way of life!
MARY-JANE: No, give me a minute to come up with something better... I know! Work at the Peach Pit like Brandon Walsh(tm)!
SPIDER-MAN: I suppose it would be kind of hypocritical to retcon this new trademark saying out of continuity?
MARY-JANE: Yes.
SPIDER-MAN: Fine, from now on instead of saying "Ride me like Seabiscuit" we'll say "Work at the Peach Pit like Brandon Walsh."* But later on, I'd better get a supportive, friendly hug.
MARY-JANE: Baby, you can supportively hug me anywhere you want!
Ah, there's the signiture line! Now all is right with the world (at least in Beverly Hills 90210):D
SPIDER-MAN: Holy crap! An evil villain made out of spiders! I haven't seen that in two or three story arcs! So, not content to merely rip off the Green Goblin and the Shocker, JMS is now ripping off his OWN villains. Good to know.
Not to mention Molten Man, Doctor Octopus, the Thousand (but nobody cares about that guy), Venom (in terms of the Iron Spidey suit), Wolverine (although he's not a villain) Gwen Stacy (hey Sarah's a dead ringer for her), but yeah, ripping off his own villains is a millestone. :)
THE OTHER: But I'm a woman! I'm thus totally different!
SPIDER-MAN: So you're not the Gatekeeper?
THE OTHER: It's ambiguous.
SPIDER-MAN: Look, are you the Gatekeeper or aren't you!?
THE OTHER: Not that I know of.
Spider-Man slams door. The Other knocks on it again. Spider-Man opens it.
SPIDER-MAN: Are you the Gatekeeper?
THE OTHER: Yes. Actually I'm a friend of his, he asked me to meet him here.
Why does this exchange make me want to see Ghostbusters again? Good thing The Other didn't ask Spidey if he was "the KeyMaster."
:up: Zev
Spider-Man: Oh boy, a new villain! Surely, you'll be more menacing than the new Mysterio.
The Other: Power is being molested.
Spider-Man: Is that one of my new powers? Because it kinda sucks.
The Other: No, no, Mysterio's power is being molested.
Spider-Man: His power is being molested.
The Other: Yes, power is being molested.
Spider-Man: Power is being molested? I thought it was, like, being strong and having money and stuff.
The Other: Yes, is confusing.
Spider-Man: IT! IT is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns!
The Other: I am opposite number. Everything you are, I am not. Everything I am, you are not. You like Fraiser, I like Friends. You're a Trekker, I watch Star Wars. George Lucas is a god.
Spider-Man: Shut up! George Lucas is a hack that rapes childhoods!
New Mysterio: It's true! George Lucas raped my childhood!
Woody Goodman: I helped.
The Other: Greedo shot first.
Spider-Man: Alright, that's it, it's stinger time! Flippin frassin mother****er robba gobbla ***** rikum frakum **** ****, ****, cock, ass, *******, boner, *****, muff, pussy, ****, butthole, Barbra Streisand!
Stingers: Snikt! Yeah, who are we kidding?
The Other: I'll just disappear. But remember, I'm your new arch-nemesis. Even though I really haven't done anything even remotely evil.
Spider-Man: You won't get away that easily!
The Other: If you don't stop following me, I will kill one of them. No more warnings.
***
Spider-Man: Hey guys, I'm back.
Avengers: We're all going to be ***** to you because a villain webbed up our headquarters.
Spider-Man: But I thought you were all overjoyed that I was alive!
Avengers: Character consistency? What do you think this is, Battlestar Galactica?
***
Meanwhile, back at the Twelve Colonies...
http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/7466/zeroviper6ei.gif
***
That night...
Peter: Skip, no! Leave my Star Wars videotapes along!
Logan: Wake up Peter.
Peter: Whazzat?
Logan: Nothing. Just thought I'd wake you up so we can have a pointlessly subtexty conversation.
Peter: Right, like we all haven't already figured out what the Logan/Jean/Scott love triangle is all about...
Logan: What was that?
Peter: Nothing.
Logan: Anyway, I think we need to talk about those stingers.
Peter: Look, they're a totally original new power!
Logan: No, no, I just wanted to invite you into the union!
Predator: Anytime you want to branch out into wrist blades, give me a ring.
Kronen: Or tonfa blades. Heil Hitler!
X-23: I'm an overexposed marketing gimmick!
Peter: No one cares.
X-23: Gambit is to 90s X-Men TAS as I am to X-Men: Evolution.
***
Peter: Time for yet another conversation with wifey?
Mary-Jane: Face it, tiger, I'm the only supporting cast you've got left.
Peter: So, anyway, this whole scene? Is basically a Fiver of Buffy Summers' sixth season character arc.
Mary-Jane: Does that mean you have to have buttsecks with Spike?
Angel: That's my man, *****!
Peter and Mary-Jane: o_0.
Angel: I'll just be standing over here. Because I'm CANCELLED! ****ing WB...
Peter: Honey, do you have any idea what's happened to Warren lately?
***
Peter: Hey, Dr. Strange. Remember when you told me I was going to die?
Dr. Strange: Yeah.
Peter: Well... IN YO FACE! IN YO FACE! HOW DO YOU LIKE DEEZ NUTS!? THEY GOOD AND SALTY!? But no hard feelings. Say, would you like me to burn you a copy of the Batman Begins soundtrack?
Dr. Strange: Yes, certainly. That would be nice.
Peter: Would you like it on CD or cassette?
Dr. Strange: CD, I guess.
Peter: Well, SEE DEEZ NUTS!?
Dr. Strange: Umm... alright. I guess I'd rather have it on tape.
Peter: Tape DEEZ NUTS to the back of your neck!
Dr. Strange: That, umm... I'd rather not.
Peter: But seriously, do you speak Spanish?
Dr. Strange: Yes, I do in fact.
Peter: Oh, good, can you help me with a conjugation problem?
Dr. Strange: I'll try.
Peter: What's the ellos/ellas form of Sacar?
Dr. Strange: Umm....Sacan?
Peter: Sacan DEEZ NUTS!
Dr. Strange: This is asinine! Why did you come here?
Peter: Bob Oliver wanted me to pass on a message to you.
Dr. Strange: Bob Oliver who?
Peter: Bob Oliver DEEZ NUTS!
Dr. Strange: Alright, seriously, it's not funny anymore! Stop it!
Peter: Geez, chill! I was going to set you up on this date with a hot chick who's totally into magic...
Dr. Strange: Really? What's her name?
Peter: Feelon.
Dr. Strange: Feelon what?
Peter: Feelon DEEZ NUTS!
Dr. Strange: Stop that! I have very important work to do and your deez nuts jokes are wasting my time!
Peter: Well, alright. Say, long as I'm here, can I talk to Eileen?
Dr. Strange: Eileen who?
Peter: I leen back so you can see DEEZ NUTS!
Dr. Strange: Peter, just stop with that stupid joke!
Peter: My name's not Peter, it's Phillip.
Dr. Strange: Phillip?
Peter: Yeah... fill up on DEEZ NUTS!
Dr. Strange: I'm going to go inside now where I don't have to listen to you.
Peter: Sorry, sorry. Let me make it up to you. Would you like tickets to the new R. Kelly concert?
Dr. Strange: R. Kelly?
Peter: Yeah... Are Kelly and you gonna come over here and suck DEEZ NUTS!?
Dr. Strange: That's it, I've had enough of this! Goodbye!
Peter: Goodbye Barry.
Dr. Strange: My name's Stephen.
Peter: Really? I thought it was Barry.
Dr. Strange: No. It's Stephen.
Peter: Mucho alliteration.
Dr. Strange: Thank you.
Peter: Do you have a brother named Barry?
Dr. Strange: No, I'm an only child.
Peter: Good, then I can barry DEEZ NUTS in yo momma's ass!
***
Peter: Hey Aunt May.
Aunt May: Hello Peter. Would you like me to offer you some advice in my irritatingly nonspecific religious way?
Peter: Yeah, sure.
Aunt May: Peter, you were brought back to life for a reason. And I think it's to help Dee.
Peter: Dee? Dee who?
Aunt May: DEEEEEEEEEEEEZ NUTS!
jaydawg
05-13-2006, 08:27 PM
Yeah... this isn't funny. And btw, Dr.Light was badass before Perez ****ed him up in Teen Titans.
onceasaint
05-13-2006, 09:24 PM
Haha Zev that was great. Always love a good Buffy/Angel joke.
Stupid WB...
fever red
05-13-2006, 11:18 PM
Thank-you, Zev.
Cullen
05-14-2006, 03:36 PM
That's funny, I've always thought Dr. Strange was barry, barry strange.
>>snicker<<
shinlyle
05-15-2006, 10:45 AM
LOL!!!
Oh...oh, man.....that was hilarious, Zev! Your best work thus far, man! Awesome!
Yeah, that's right, beeyotch, it's TEN-Minute Spider-Man: The Other! Tell your friends about me!
PETER: So, once more I'm in a state of undress while you examine me.
TONY: Would you stop suggesting a sexual connotation to these scenes? Now open up, I need to take your temperature.
PETER: Aah.
TONY: It's not an oral thermometer, Peter.
PETER: As long as you're checking, could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
TONY: Hmm... all your old scars are gone.
PETER: You can tell that by giving me a colonoscopy?
TONY: Where do you think the Clone Saga left all its scars?
PETER: Right, the part where I beat up my pregnant wife... I couldn't sit down for a week after that. Thanks for the stool softener, by the way.
TONY: Hey, after Teen Tony, I had plenty left over. But anyway, you've been reborn.
PETER: Great, now I have two social security numbers to remember.
TONY: You're treating this as something... ominous, Peter.
PETER: Last time I was "reborn," it was John Bryne doing the honors.
TONY: John Bryne. When he starts writing people, stool softener companies get featured in Forbes.
***
SPIDER-MAN: Hmm, need my costume fixed. Even though I've fixed it myself countless times and MADE IT MYSELF IN THE FIRST PLACE... I know, I'll visit my old friend, Szalinski!
WAYNE SZALINSKI: Honey, I blew up the kids!
SPIDER-MAN: No, wait, Zelinsky
LEO ZELINSKY: I'm what passes for a supporting cast nowadays.
SPIDER-MAN: I love talking with you, Zelinsky. It's like sitting down for a nice chat with a delightful Jewish stereotype.
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN: Somebody call?
SPIDER-MAN: Hit the decks, virgin.
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN: I don't need this kind of abuse! I'm dating Ultimate Kitty! C'mon, Sprite, let's book!
KITTY: That's "Shadowcat."
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN: Whatever.
They hold hands and walk off, kicking their feet as if they were playing hopscotch.
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN AND KITTY: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated.
We're gonna do it!
Give us any chance, we'll take it.
Give us any rule, we'll break it.
We're gonna make our dreams come true.
Doin' it our way.
Nothin's gonna turn us back now,
Straight ahead and on the track now.
We're gonna make our dreams come true,
Doin' it our way.
There is nothing we won't try,
Never heard the word impossible.
This time there's no stopping us.
We're gonna do it.
On your mark, get set, and go now,
Got a dream and we just know now,
We're gonna make our dream come true.
And we'll do it our way, yes our way.
Make all our dreams come true,
And do it our way, yes our way,
Make all our dreams come true
For me and you.
SPIDER-MAN: ...
LEO ZELINSKY: ...
WAYNE SZALINSKI: ...
SHE-HULK: ...Jew jokes? Tut-tut...
Hey, I didn't hear you complaining about the gay jokes. Or the John Bryne jokes, for that matter.
SHE-HULK: (sigh) It isn't easy being green.
***
LEO ZELINSKY: Oh no! A convenient building collapse. Like the city doesn't have enough of the problems with the supervillains and the mutants and the me sounding like James Woods and the oy!
SHIRTLESS SPIDER-MAN: Well, maybe I (stands up) I should do something about this...
LEO ZELINSKY: Oh, no...
SHIRTLESS SPIDER-MAN: ...no?
LEO ZELINSKY: Too sexy, please, don't do it! NO, MY FRIEND, TOO SEXY!
SHIRTLESS SPIDER-MAN: But I must!
LEO ZELINSKY: (The band plays fast music while Spider-Man swings into aciton) NOOOO! TOO SEXY! NO, PLEASE STOP IT! BE COOL! OH NO, MY FRIEND, TOO SEXY!
Suddenly, the camera pulls out. Five doors close as we backtrack through them. Finally, we come to the Bridge of the Satellite of Love. MICHAEL J. NELSON, TOM SERVO, and CROW T. ROBOT are sitting around, reading comic books.
TOM: Mike?
MIKE: Yeah Tom?
TOM: We’ve been reading some of your old backissues and we’re confused.
Mike puts down his copy of All-Star Batman & Robin. Like the Necronomicon in Army of Darkness, it tries to bite his hand. He shakes it off.
MIKE: What about, honey?
CROW: Well, Reed Richards and Sue Storm got married and nobody said it made them old!
TOM: Yeah! Everyone liked that they finally got together!
CROW: And had kids! And Sue’s still hot even though she’s a mother of two!
TOM: What’s up with that?
MIKE: Well, ya see guys, that’s called character development.
BOTS: HUH!?
MIKE: Character development is when a character grows and changes over time. Look, I’ll show you what I mean.
He reaches under the desk and pulls out a big stack of comics. First, he hands them some Denny O’Neil Batman issues.
MIKE: See, here we have Robin the Boy... and later Teen... Wonder.
CROW: Mike, everyone knows about Batman and Robin!
TOM: Especially the GLAAD.
Mike now hands out some Wolfman & Perez Teen Titans.
MIKE: But later, he grows up and stops taking Batman’s crap and becomes Nightwing!
TOM: Wow, cool!
Mike hands out some Chuck Dixon Nightwing.
MIKE: And he falls in love with Barbara Gordon and joins the police force.
CROW: Neato!
MIKE: And eventually asks her to marry him.
BOTS: Then what happens? Then what happens?
MIKE: Then they break up and Dick becomes a male model.
The Bots begin to visibly shake with anger. Tom’s head explodes. Crow seems to grow, his bronze exterior becoming bright green.
CROW: CROW SMASH BRUCE JONES!
Commercial sign flashes. Mike ducks as Crow throws Tom around.
MIKE: We’ll be right back.
He hits the commercial button.
<Burger King has a mascot who will rape you in your sleep.>
We return from commercial with Crow calmed down. Now he’s sprawled out on the desk and, bizarrely, wearing purple pants. Mike screws on a new head for Tom.
MIKE: So anyway, nobody wants to mess with the Richards’ marriage because Stan Lee did it and Stan Lee is a god.
TOM: But didn’t Stan Lee also do the Peter/MJ marriage, via the newspaper strip?
CROW: Yeah, and mechanical webshooters?
GYPSY: And what about Scarecrow’s brain!?
A light flashes.
TOM: Hey look, the Mads are calling.
<Deep 13>
JOE QUESADA, dressed in a bright green labcoat, and TV’S JMS, wearing a black jumpsuit, stand at the ready.
JOEY Q: So, boobies, how are you enjoying today’s experiment?
<SoL>
Mike and the Bots give an A-OK sign, then abruptly say...
ALL: IT STINKS!
We see that MR. MORDEN is suddenly standing next to Mike and the Bots. They do a double-take when they notice he's there.
MIKE: What the... who are you?
MORDEN: I'm Mr. Morden. What do you want?
TOM: World peace.
CROW: Natalie Portman.
MIKE: Guys, guys, we want to get off this space station where we're forced to make Fivers of bad movies and go back to Earth!
MORDEN: ...right. Sorry to bother you.
He walks off. From the other side of the screen, AMBASSADOR KOSH walks in. The others notice him and jump a bit.
KOSH: (bing tweedle whoop) Who are you?
MIKE: Well, I'm Michael J. Nelson.
CROW: I'm Crow T. Robot. The T stands for Thaddeus!
TOM: I'm Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Lay Onna Pile Of Origami the Third. But you can call Tom.
Kosh wanders off.
CROW: Mike, make the annoying mystical Campbellian archetypes stop bothering us!
MIKE: Well, this week's invention exchange should clear that right up.
Mike reaches under the desk and plants a "No Solicitors" sign on the desk.
MIKE: What do you think, sirs?
<Deep 13>
JOEY Q: That's it?
<SoL>
Galen walks up.
GALEN: Who do you serve and who do you trust?
Mike picks up the No Solicitors sign and starts beating Galen with it.
MIKE: Can't! You! Read! The! Sign!
Tom and Crow begin kicking him.
TOM: Couldn't even pull off one season!
CROW: Go stand in the corner with Mal and Zeke where you belong!
Galen runs off, crying.
<Deep 13>
In the background, TV’s JMS is jumping on what appears to be a hopscotch board, marked “Road to Civil War.”
JOEY Q: Pathetic as usual, boobies. Here to present our invention, Civil War, is the man who roots for the IEDs in Iraq, Mark Millar.
Mark Millar, a pasty man in a purple cloak, walks out. He carries his brain around in a glass brainpan. His brain has the famous picture of Che Guerra emblazoned on it.
MARK MILLAR: So then Iron Man starts gay-raping Captain America, right, and Reed is egging him on but Sue says no, so Reed starts beating her with his belt, right? Big ol’ thing with the FF buckle on it...
<SoL>
The MiSTers are aghast.
CROW: Mike, he’s breaking up Reed and Sue!
MIKE: Wait, I think I’ve got a plan! Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine!
<RNN>
A close-up of a brick. We see Mike’s hand picking it up.
<SoL>
Mike, now dressed as a Yankees pitcher, spits a wad of chewing tobacco, winds up, and pitches the brick.
<Deep 13>
Like all of those sitcoms where roommates decide to “split” an apartment, Deep 13 has now been divided by chalk. One side has a Captain America banner, the other has an Iron Man banner. We notice that Cap has about seventy percent of the floorspace. Dr. Quesada, TV’s JMS, and Mark Millar laugh evilly.
Suddenly, there’s a humming noise, like a bomb dropping. The brick hits Mark Millar in the hand, causing him to drop his brainpan. We hear it shatter on the floor. Millar has a meltdown.
MARK MILLAR: I had such a pretty mind! Oh God, I wish I had that pretty mind back.
<SoL>
The crowd goes wild. We see patriotic bunting everywhere, as if the SoL were a political convention. Red, white, and blue confetti and streamers and balloons drop from the ceiling. A banner unfurls reading “Nelson/Brick In ’08: The Right Choice For America.”
Mike enthusiastically shakes hands with Tom and Crow, then pulls in Gypsy for an Al Gore-Tipper type kiss.
<Deep 13>
JOEY Q: This changes nothing! Get back in the theater, ninnies!
<SoL>
Lights flash and things go wild. Mike and the Bots run around, screaming.
MIKE: Aaaaaaaaah! We’ve got Fiver Sign!
We once more pass through the five doors, which open up in front of us.
<5... 4... 3... 2... 1...>
Mike, carrying Tom, walks into the theater with Crow. They all sit down.
CROW: So, Mike, what's your position on abortion?
MIKE: Umm... abortions for all!
TOM: (while Crow waves a small American flag) Boo!
MIKE: Then... abortions for none!
CROW: (while Tom waves a small American flag) Boo!
MIKE: Uh... abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!
BOTS: Yay!
***
JMS: Alright sports fans, get ready to see Spider-Man's CRAZY NEW POWERS!
SPIDER-MAN: I can see in the dark!
FANS: Couldn't he just use the flashlight built into his belt buckle for that?
JMS: ...**** you guys!
THE OTHER: Peter, you've begun to embrace the Other!
SPIDER-MAN: Actually, I've just been eating a lot of carrots lately. But look, I can pick up vibrations through my weblines!
FANS: (now appearing to froth over with volcanic rage) ...would that be the SENSE OF TOUCH!? Can't believe we bought eleven issues for this...
SPIDER-MAN: I can stick stuff to my back now!
FANS: (as aghast as possible) ...one, you could do that before. Two, that's pretty much the stupidest power ever.
RAINBOW RAIDER: I can make things different colors!
FANS: Alright, second stupidest power ever.
NEW MYSTERIO: My power is having been molested!
FANS: Shut up, no one likes you or your ****ty miniseries.
NEW MYSTERIO: I'm so lonely...
***
PETER: Time for me to angst about not being entirely human.
MARY-JANE: Peter, you haven't been entirely human since you went through puberty. Besides which, Bryan Singer suggested this aspect to your character AGES ago and everyone hated it!
PETER: But... but... The Fly!
MARY-JANE: Peter, you can't win argument by making references to classic sci-fi movies.
PETER: Can't I? Forbidden Planet!
***
TONY: Boo! I've been listening in on them all along! Which totally isn't creepy and so I'm totally a viable side in Civil War, even though I killed a few guys and hired a supervillain and... okay, so I'm a villain. Again. Screw you guys, I'm getting drunk!
***
JMS: Bad news, Joey Q. Giving Spider-Man a mystic origin and a new costume aren't helping his sales.
JOEY Q: Then there's only one thing left to do. Kill his wife!
JMS: You're right! Mary-Jane is the problem with Spider-Man!
SPIDER-MAN: Alright, that's the last straw!
Spider-Man picks up a chair.
JMS: Wait a minute, what's he doing?
JOEY Q: Watch out, he's going to break the fourth wall!
Spider-Man swings the chair directly into camera, breaking a hithertofore unseen glass wall. He gingerly steps through it, taking off his mask and basking in the sunlight for a moment.
SPIDER-MAN: Mmmm... metafictionlicious!
JOEY Q: Where'd he learn how to do that!?
***
DEADPOOL: Yo.
***
SPIDER-MAN: Alright, guys, I'm gonna need your help on this one to stop event storytelling. As you know, event storytelling interrupts individual writers from telling the stories THEY want to tell in favor of a few golden boys' whims and contributes nothing but unnecessary death and arbitary change to the industry. But we can stop it! All you have to do is stop buying the events!
YOU: But, but... everything will change! How will I know what's going on unless I buy it?
SPIDER-MAN: What, are you kidding me? It's the 21st century. Just download them off the Internet.
***
JMS: What the hell? Our sales figures are dropping! EVENT STORYTELLING ISN'T WORKING!
JOEY Q: They're only buying the well-written stories! Our worst nightmare!
DAN SLOTT: Woohoo!
JMS: I feel my power... draining! Quickly, break the emergency store of variant covers!
SPIDER-MAN: Too late for that, Straczynski! It's time we end this once and for all!
JMS draws a samurai sword.
JMS: You're expendable. I have a replacement for you!
SHERIDAN: Hiya.
SPIDER-MAN: Then it's time we settle this the old Navy way... first guy to die, loses!
Spider-Man and JMS throw down in a massive duel. Unfortunately, Christopher Nolan is directing, so I can't describe to you exactly what's happening. Finally, Spider-Man extends his stingers.
SPIDER-MAN: Here, I don't want these. You take 'em back.
He stabs JMS with the stingers and pulls his hands away, leaving them embedded in JMS' chest.
SPIDER-MAN: THAT was for the fifth season of Babylon 5. No one gave a **** about Elizabeth Lochley, hack!
JMS: I'm melting! I'm melting! Ohhhhh... What a world! What a world! All my beautiful wickedness... not yet... I was going to give the X-Men a mystical origin...
JMS suddenly splits open to reveal...
SPIDER-MAN: What the hell? STALIN!
STALIN: Muahahaha!
SPIDER-MAN: So, all along you tried to infect an American icon with your Communism evil.
STALIN: And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for the fans not buying my work (hint hint)!
SPIDER-MAN: Time to punch one for the Gipper. Give my regards to Leningrad.
Spider-Man punches Stalin back to Russia.
STALIN: NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!
Where he impacted, the sun begins rising.
***
In the Daily Bugle, a thin covering of frost melts and the Daily Bugle staff stirs into motion.
JAMESON: Where's Parker!? I expect photographs on my desk in five minutes or he's fired!
***
As if awakening from a long sleep, Liz Allen, Flash Thompson, and others walk out of their houses.
LIZ: You know, I don't know what made me think of it, but let's go hang out with Peter for a while.
FLASH: Yeah, let's!
***
Norman Osborn stands over an alter of evil.
NORMAN OSBORN: You thought it was some anonymous burglar who killed Uncle Ben, but it was really I, Norman...
Suddenly, a ray of sunlight shines through the window. Norman shrinks back.
NORMAN OSBORN: Curses! I'm no longer responsible for everything evil in the Spider-verse!
***
Eddie Brock suddenly rises from his bed.
EDDIE: We'll eat Parker's brains!
All of the city, the sunlight goes about its merry work.
***
ELECTRO: BADASS!
GWEN: NO LONGER A SLUT!
FELICIA: NOT RAPED!
DOC OCK: NO MO' TRENCHCOAT AND MULLET!
***
Spider-Man looks out over the restored city.
SPIDER-MAN: Yes, everything's the way it should be. But we must be vigilant, lest commie evil return to plague our fair continuity. Excelsior!
Spider-Man swings out into the sunset.
THE END
STALIN: Muahahaha! I'll be back with a new event next summer! We'll see if your resolve not to buy ****ty writing lasts that long! BWAHAHAHAHA! Evil!
OR IS IT?
NO, IT ISN'T.
NEXT WEEK... FIVE-MINUTE X-MEN: THE LAST STAND!
The Hero
05-21-2006, 08:17 PM
*sniff*If only it were true...:(
Lt. Figgnuts
05-22-2006, 12:13 PM
Man, this was absolutely hilarious.
Buffy, Star Wars, and Spider-Man all rolled into one? I'm in.
Keep it up, Zev.
shinlyle
05-23-2006, 03:11 PM
Awesome work, Zev. Now...if only it were true and all thing scould go back to the way they were in the before-time....in the long-long-ago....
The Hero
05-23-2006, 04:12 PM
For the record,I liked Leo Zelinsky,stereotypes and all.:o
stillanerd
06-08-2006, 06:01 AM
LMOL! The whole "metafiction," "Spidey vs. JMS/Stalin" and the "Happy ending" were hystarical.:up:
(Man I miss MST3K)
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