Raiders of the Official Relationship Thread

[The Original Bamfer]

I haven't really had the problem since high school. Since then, I've only been attracted to folks who I knew I was compatible with... until now. I hate how dumb love is.

[HisMagicTrick]

Whenever a guy has asked me out (you know, the two times that it happened :funny:), they always seemed to try to project an image of, well, no confidence, as though that will guilt trip me into saying yes. Before they asked the question they were like, 'I'm really nervous right now, but do you want to go out some time?'.

Yeah, guys, pointing that out is very unattractive. At least, to me it is anyway.

[SpideyVille]

I haven't really had the problem since high school. Since then, I've only been attracted to folks who I knew I was compatible with... until now. I hate how dumb love is.
Why can't you tell this person? Like how do you know the feelings definitely aren't mutual?

[The Original Bamfer]

Why can't you tell this person? Like how do you know the feelings definitely aren't mutual?

I'm very intuitive. Going by my gut has never failed me in the past. Plus it makes things a bit more complicated when it's a dude crushing on another dude...

[SuperSoldier985]

Hmmmm... This may sound like an odd question, (if you are under 21 mention it as it relates to the info) but how well does your facial hair and body hair grow in?

Voice on the deeper end of the scale, or higher end?

What kind of build do you have? Muscular? Thin? Heavy set?

Some of the stuff you write reminds me of a specific medical condition. One that is fairly easy to treat with a doctors care, that you may consider getting tested for.
Welllllll, Dr. Super Mike... :cwink:

I'm over 25.
I'm bald-ish
Heavy set, but I'm relatively toned when it comes to musculature.
Voice definitely isn't high.

and did I mention I was a Black guy from the city living in a predominantly White and Hispanic mountain town?

Yeeeeaaahhh...Let's think about this...

[Optimus_Prime_]

Carefull with truth speak around here. You see Prime, you as a Cybertronian don't have a full grasp on how much emotional anger that something like saying "universal attractive traits" cause in some organic life, even if it is true. :woot:

I consider something universal if it fits the vast majority.
I think there is something about confidence and assertive behavior that is necessary not just for sex but for life in general. I think some guys benefit from right time, right circumstance.

Anita reminds me of my college roommate. He had sex with someone, a blind date, and it became his girlfriend for 5 years. While I struggled with women he got to take regular sex for granted. He wasn't a handsome guy really, but his girl was very attractive. I think in a sense he never really learned how to attract girls. The relationship part he had tons of experience with an equally inexperienced partner. When it final, bizarrely ended, he is clearly a fish out of water. Now I'm way ahead of him.

Cases like Anita and my roommate sound nice and all, but I think circumstance and environment occasionally coincide in the right way. Ultimately though I think at some point they displayed confidence. Confidence to me, if I could describe it, is like having a mind at peace. No interior monologue making noise between my ears. When I'm like that I put off this relaxed energy. I can't quite describe it but the ends seem to justify the assumption. People come to me.

Today I met the program director of my local hit radio station for the first time. He gave me a shout out in the club so everyone could see me. That stuff just happens when your confident. In my opinion there is a vibes people feel but never truly understand. It hits them in their subconscious. How else could it be explained? People never get to see everyone beforehand and choose the most logical pick. Your eyes just run over them and bam. I think something has to cause that bam and I think it's a feeling in your head.

When I had a lot of trouble talking to girls I remember all the few times I occasionally did well. When I started pulling that thread there were commonalities. The commonality was that I let people know I was vulnerable. This isn't exactly confidence but its the openness that comes from confidence. Confidence makes people think you're open and and accessible. Assertiveness takes this a second step and invites people to come in. I don't feel its a smart missile. You might hit your target but there is a lot of collateral damage.

I also think its important to not let girls tell you what they want. Not girls in general. Girls are an audience. If they're looking, by definition, they DON'T know what they want. You always have the opportunity to present a new and better product.

[OctaviusINC]

Whenever a guy has asked me out (you know, the two times that it happened :funny:), they always seemed to try to project an image of, well, no confidence, as though that will guilt trip me into saying yes. Before they asked the question they were like, 'I'm really nervous right now, but do you want to go out some time?'.

Yeah, guys, pointing that out is very unattractive. At least, to me it is anyway.

Yeah, but if you truly like that guy and really want to go out with him you wouldn't really care if he says if he was "nervous" or not. You'd just be extremely happy that he's asking you out and you can't wait to say "yes".

And he probably said he was nervous because he was nervous. How women find that unattractive is beyond me. You made him nervous.That means he likes you. Should be a little but flattering. I don't think there's a guilt trip. I just think he's trying to tell you to bear with him because he likes you.

My 2 cents anyway.

[SuperSoldier985]

Yeah, but if you truly like that guy and really want to go out with him you wouldn't really care if he says if he was "nervous" or not. You'd just be extremely happy that he's asking you out and you can't wait to say "yes".

And he probably said he was nervous because he was nervous. How women find that unattractive is beyond me. You made him nervous.That means he likes you. Should be a little but flattering. I don't think there's a guilt trip. I just think he's trying to tell you to bear with him because he likes you.

My 2 cents anyway.

Wait... Women are complicated creatures?.... :eek:

I had no idea! :o

[OctaviusINC]

You bet your sweet bippy :p

[HisMagicTrick]

Yeah, but if you truly like that guy and really want to go out with him you wouldn't really care if he says if he was "nervous" or not. You'd just be extremely happy that he's asking you out and you can't wait to say "yes".

And he probably said he was nervous because he was nervous. How women find that unattractive is beyond me. You made him nervous.That means he likes you. Should be a little but flattering. I don't think there's a guilt trip. I just think he's trying to tell you to bear with him because he likes you.

My 2 cents anyway.

Lol I forgot to clarify that I didn't even know either of their names, nor had I ever seen them before. They just came into the shop where I work and asked me out. On top of that, I'm still a teenager and those guys looked to be in their late twenties/early thirties, so that's a bit too much of an age difference for me.

[Anubis]

Wait... Women are complicated creatures?.... :eek:

I had no idea! :o

You bet your sweet bippy :p



Not all that complicated, just like men, they're mostly misinformed.

Her statement right there should tell you. She thought he was trying to pull one over on her by acting nervous. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. Just like a girl turns you down, and you assume it's because she only likes jerks. Maybe they just aren't attracted to you. Sometimes it really is because you're ugly. :awesome:

Misinformed. That's the problem with people. You pretty much have to guess the motives of other people. Unless you're a telepath, you'll likely never really know what people want. Be they people with vaginas, penis', or, with a few unfortunate individuals, Vaginusis. :o

[SuperSoldier985]

Ok, I've been chatting with this apparently cute chick on OkCupid for a few days. We've been messaging for the past hour or so, I'm not sure of her motives, but I just asked her out to meet.

Let's see what happens..

[HisMagicTrick]

Careful, only psychopaths go on internet dating sites :o

[Anubis]

I'm guessing that, seeing as she's on a dating website, her motive is to meet somebody and go out on a date.....either that or harvest your organs. :o

[The Original Bamfer]

The latter has happened to me a few times. :csad:

[SuperSoldier985]

Careful, only psychopaths go on internet dating sites :o
You calling my sister a psychopath? :cmad::cmad:

I'm guessing that, seeing as she's on a dating website, her motive is to meet somebody and go out on a date.....either that or harvest your organs. :o
No, I mean, is she looking for a commitment, a fling, just a buddy,...etc.

[Anubis]

Should say so in her profile.

[The Original Bamfer]

Well, the more you talk to her, the more you'll know. It's similar to actual, real conversation. :up:

[Anubis]

Yeah, try this, and I know this might sound kinda crazy but, ask her what type of relationship it is she's looking for.

Trust me, she wont see it coming.

[SuperSoldier985]

Should say so in her profile.
Oh, but those things don't usually mean anything...most of the time anyway. They usually just say a bunch of stuff like short term dating/long term dating/commitment..


Well, the more you talk to her, the more you'll know. It's similar to actual, real conversation. :up:
Yeah yeah, I know I know..

[SuperSoldier985]

It's on like popcorn.. :D

[WillardNation]

It's not demeaning.

The term "fat" was never defined.

What kind of bulls*** politically correct society do you think we live in when you can't even allow someone to call fat people fat when leaving it in conceptual terms of the word 'fat'?

Meanwhile, you came on-board and dropped a post that could easily be interpreted as racist... So yeah, people are going to get after you for that.
:up:
It always baffles me when fat people get offended about people saying **** about fat people. Racism, sexism, THOSE are the kinds of things you can get offended about. But you being lazy and not caring enough about yourself to take care of yourself does not give you the privilege to get offended. One time, a friend and I were standing in line to get some food after the bars closed one night and I was saying something along the lines of, "Yeah man, blond, brunette, redhead, black, Asian, white, hispanic, I don't discriminate, I like em all."
These two girls who were standing in front of us (one fat and one just really ugly) turn around and the ugly one says, "Well that's cool. Although I'm sure you discriminate against size, don't you?"
I replied, "Of course I do. You can't expect me to love you if you don't even love yourself."
You give Willard too little credit... I'm sure his proposition was serious...
My propositions are always serious. :cwink:

[The Original Bamfer]

What a visionary.

[WillardNation]

That HAS been said before.

[The Original Bamfer]

By you, to a mirror.

[munchie64]

I haven't really had the problem since high school. Since then, I've only been attracted to folks who I knew I was compatible with... until now. I hate how dumb love is.
Well, I am still in high school so I guess it's ok :awesome:

[SpideyVille]

I don't really get my friend. I messaged her a couple of times before and after New Year's, but she never replied. Then she calls me a couple of days ago saying she missed me and wanted to know when and where I was going to do my next painting so she could work around me. I told her I would be working on it my house and she said she'd come over yesterday, but then I never heard from her.

I can't make calls or text on my phone, so I asked her what happened online, but she never replied. Now I just got a text from her at 4am asking if I wanted to go ice skating on Tuesday. I'll go but I don't even know if its worth making plans because I never hear from her and I hate getting ready and waiting for someone who never shows up.

[hopefuldreamer]

:up:
It always baffles me when fat people get offended about people saying **** about fat people. Racism, sexism, THOSE are the kinds of things you can get offended about. But you being lazy and not caring enough about yourself to take care of yourself does not give you the privilege to get offended. One time, a friend and I were standing in line to get some food after the bars closed one night and I was saying something along the lines of, "Yeah man, blond, brunette, redhead, black, Asian, white, hispanic, I don't discriminate, I like em all."
These two girls who were standing in front of us (one fat and one just really ugly) turn around and the ugly one says, "Well that's cool. Although I'm sure you discriminate against size, don't you?"
I replied, "Of course I do. You can't expect me to love you if you don't even love yourself."


Do you understand that being fat or thin is in no way as simple as just 'she eats a lot of pies and she doesn't?'

I have 4 or 5 female friends who can eat whatever the hell they like and never put on weight. My housemate at uni used to drink a 2 litre bottle of coke every day and went to mcdonalds 3 times a week... and she was stick thin.

It's all the metabolism of the indiviual, or how your body processes your food. I don't fully understand it, but I know for a fact that it is harder for some people to stay in shape than others.

Some girls have a small frame and therefore just don't look as 'big', and some look like a giant because of their large bone structure. And hey, some people have actual medical conditions that effect how big they are, or how much they crave food.

I am of a pretty average size I guess. I'm not skinny, I have 'wobbly' bits and i'm quite tall and broad shouldered. And I do sometimes get self conscious about that fact, BECAUSE I am around so many girls who are absolutely tiny. I mean, I tower over them.

I've been called fat before in school, or made to feel self conscious about my size. I seriously was NOT fat in school, though I wouldn't believe it at the time. I look back now at pics of me in a bikini with a flat stomach and long legs and wonder how the hell I ever let them make me think that.

But I did. Because although I was completely in proportion, I looked big next to the other girls.

Now I don't know what you classify as 'fat'. That's the danger in the word.

All I know, is that if you say 'I wouldn't date a fat girl' then I assume your talking about me. That's just the way a girls brain works if she has any inkling of feeling 'fat'.

[SuperMike335!!]

Welllllll, Dr. Super Mike... :cwink:

I'm over 25.
I'm bald-ish
Heavy set, but I'm relatively toned when it comes to musculature.
Voice definitely isn't high.

and did I mention I was a Black guy from the city living in a predominantly White and Hispanic mountain town?

Yeeeeaaahhh...Let's think about this...

Well, it helps rule some things out. If you have male pattern baldness, a manly voice, and are muscular that rules out low testosterone, that is something to feel good about.

Did changing where you live hurt your self esteem?

[AndThePickles]

Do you understand that being fat or thin is in no way as simple as just 'she eats a lot of pies and she doesn't?'

I have 4 or 5 female friends who can eat whatever the hell they like and never put on weight. My housemate at uni used to drink a 2 litre bottle of coke every day and went to mcdonalds 3 times a week... and she was stick thin.

It's all the metabolism of the indiviual, or how your body processes your food. I don't fully understand it, but I know for a fact that it is harder for some people to stay in shape than others.

Some girls have a small frame and therefore just don't look as 'big', and some look like a giant because of their large bone structure. And hey, some people have actual medical conditions that effect how big they are, or how much they crave food.

I am of a pretty average size I guess. I'm not skinny, I have 'wobbly' bits and i'm quite tall and broad shouldered. And I do sometimes get self conscious about that fact, BECAUSE I am around so many girls who are absolutely tiny. I mean, I tower over them.

I've been called fat before in school, or made to feel self conscious about my size. I seriously was NOT fat in school, though I wouldn't believe it at the time. I look back now at pics of me in a bikini with a flat stomach and long legs and wonder how the hell I ever let them make me think that.

But I did. Because although I was completely in proportion, I looked big next to the other girls.

Now I don't know what you classify as 'fat'. That's the danger in the word.

All I know, is that if you say 'I wouldn't date a fat girl' then I assume your talking about me. That's just the way a girls brain works if she has any inkling of feeling 'fat'.

I can't speak for Willard, but I would hope he isn't referring to girls who just have a bit of extra weight. Although yes, some people do have medical conditions, there are also many people who make the choice every day to eat horribly and not exercise.

It takes work to get in shape and stay in shape. I'm really tall, so I know what you mean about "towering" over tiny girls. And I have to be careful, because even though I've always been thin, any extra weight would automatically make me look huge due to my height. I don't recall seeing a full body shot of you, but I don't remember you being fat. Don't let short petite people make you feel big, because there is physically no way that you or I will ever be that small due to being tall. Your friends who can eat whatever they want and stay the same - trust me, it will not be that way forever. With age comes slowed metabolism. They'll not only gain weight, but have other health issues potentially, as well. And you don't have to be fat to have high cholesterol, etc.

I wouldn't date a fat guy. When I say that, it's in reference to a person who has more than a lil pudge. And a lot of that has to do with his lifestyle choices - I want to be with someone who cares about themselves and their health. There is also the physical attraction issue.

I'm not perfect, I'll have unhealthy food on occasion and I don't exercise as much as I should, but I do make an effort to stay thin. For example, yesterday when my office ordered lunch and most got fried food, I had a salad. Did it suck to smell the food I'd rather be eating? Hell yeah, but I knew I'd end up eating junk food on the weekend, so I try my best to stick to healthy choices during the week.

[SuperMike335!!]

I am real up or down with the confidence to ask out girls.

There are times when I totally have the confidence, and I just do it, and I don't really worry about the outcome, and then there are other times where I just can't bring myself to do it, and I lock up, and even if I do ask her out, it's usually done fairly awkwardly with no projection of confidence.

The girl from the New Year's Party, I just saw her at work the day before New Year's Eve, and as she was leaving, just asked her what she was getting into for New Year's, and told her I had a party going on that she should come out to.

Before the semester ended, there was a girl that I had done a production with that I was attracted to and wanted to take out, so I asked her about her plans for Christmas Break, and told her that we should get together after her and I both get back into town. Unfortunately, her answer was "Well I'm probably going to be busy", but hey.

And then there's times where I literally turn into the "Hey um... I was thinking... um... would you... I don't know... would you like to go out sometime? I mean... it's cool if you don't... but I mean... if you're not doing anything, or whatever..."

Although I do have one question when it comes to asking a woman out... What's everyone's take on "giving her an out"?

I've had certain people tell me in the past that they think it's best to give the girl an out when asking her out, so she doesn't feel pressure or whatever. With a "it's cool if not" type deal.

I say give her an out physically. Don't ever block her path or corner her. It comes off as creepy.

As far as verbal, saying something like "its cool if not", sounds like a lack of confidence.

Often gettting the numbers really looks a lot like sales. I have not seen anyone in sales ever do that, they alsways come from a "assume the answer is yes" attitude.

Some will come out and just give you the number because she is really excited that you have shown some interest in a way that comes off as easy going and confident.

One other important thing is for guys to not get discouraged. If you strike out its ok. Its numbers thing after all. I would say I only got 1/5th of the numbers I went for, which means more often then not I struck out, I just kept at it, and went somewhere else and flirted with someone else. If you only get 2 numbers from 10 girls you still got two new numbers. If you talk to just one new girl each day you have 6 new numbers a month.

If she needs an out "I have a boyfriend/fiance, husband" may come out, sometimes they will lie, and this may even be a persistence test you too.

If she seems really interested but says she has a BF, I would say something on the lines of "You have a BF. Well, if you want to keep your options open, anything can happen in the next couple months. Tell you what, give me the number, and I PROMISE I will wait 2 months before I text you, if your still in a relationship, I'll delete the number :cwink:"

You will not get all of those numbers, off of the BF persistence test as many of them really do have boyfriends, but you may get some that way, and a few may even admit, "ok, I was making it up, I am nervous hehe, you don't give up easy do you? ok here ###-###-####"

The above does not happen often, and most of the numbers I did get there was little hesitation, but sometimes persistence pays off, and its better than zero%.

[SuperSoldier985]

:up:
It always baffles me when fat people get offended about people saying **** about fat people. Racism, sexism, THOSE are the kinds of things you can get offended about. But you being lazy and not caring enough about yourself to take care of yourself does not give you the privilege to get offended. One time, a friend and I were standing in line to get some food after the bars closed one night and I was saying something along the lines of, "Yeah man, blond, brunette, redhead, black, Asian, white, hispanic, I don't discriminate, I like em all."
These two girls who were standing in front of us (one fat and one just really ugly) turn around and the ugly one says, "Well that's cool. Although I'm sure you discriminate against size, don't you?"
I replied, "Of course I do. You can't expect me to love you if you don't even love yourself."

My propositions are always serious. :cwink:
I still think you're a jerk to feel that you can still get away with criticizing a person's weaknesses or physical condition like that. It doesn't help you or the other person.

[SuperSoldier985]

Did changing where you live hurt your self esteem?
Heh, hurting whatever little self esteem I had before? Sure.. :p

[Optimus_Prime_]

Giving her an out means giving her the ability to excuse herself. Such as "what're doing this week, want to hang out?" The second part of that question is dependent on the first. So she'll either have to make an excuse and it gives her the option to reschedule. "This weekend isn't good but..."

Don't ever make it sound like you're "cool" with a no. You almost have to believe a firm no is a mistake on their part.

[SuperMike335!!]

I am of a pretty average size I guess. I'm not skinny, I have 'wobbly' bits and i'm quite tall and broad shouldered

I'm really tall, so I know what you mean about "towering" over tiny girls

Yes, obviously most guys seem to prefer more petite size women. Don’t be discouraged however. Plenty of guys have found a good reason to prefer the sturdy girls. They find they tend to be better lovers. Some guys have found out there are benefits to sturdier girl. I mean by that a taller woman with a thicker bone frame.

By that I am not talking about obesity either, there is a big difference with a girl being at the upper end of her healthy BMI limit vs. being over the limit into the realm of unhealthy. Unhealthy is never attractive, but if she is still in the healthy range she is good to go.

There are some negatives to the petite size girls, and bonuses to the bigger ones. Silver lining one could say.

While the petite woman is the modern symbol of the feminine archetype, they are more often, not as good in bed. Simple physics. Its quite easy to get too rough with a petite woman, I have to be careful not to "break" her. The smaller cave can even leave bruises on your bear, he wont be sore right away, but will be very sore later. I found I have to be overly careful, cannot thrust too hard, cannot grab too hard its all too easy to hurt her back, arm, leg, etc... and they will cry if you do.

The sturdy girl, the "amazon" as some call her, can take the pounding of a water buffalo in rut. The amazon seems to have a true appreciation and enthusiasm for roughness, and there is no fear of accidentally breaking her either. I call that her being better in bed, at least from my own Brute point of view.

[SuperMike335!!]

I don't really get my friend. I messaged her a couple of times before and after New Year's, but she never replied. Then she calls me a couple of days ago saying she missed me and wanted to know when and where I was going to do my next painting so she could work around me. I told her I would be working on it my house and she said she'd come over yesterday, but then I never heard from her.

I can't make calls or text on my phone, so I asked her what happened online, but she never replied. Now I just got a text from her at 4am asking if I wanted to go ice skating on Tuesday. I'll go but I don't even know if its worth making plans because I never hear from her and I hate getting ready and waiting for someone who never shows up.

Hey, you don't have to take my advice. Keep that in mind, its just what "I the badguybrutewomanizerevildouchbagplayer" would do.

I would agree to it, then flake on her.

I would send her a text, 5 minutes after I was supposed to be there saying that a friend of mine was going to be in town and I had double booked myself - another time I guess.

If I never heard form her again, I'd care less. If I did, I would make her meet at my house on my terms.

[hopefuldreamer]

I can't speak for Willard, but I would hope he isn't referring to girls who just have a bit of extra weight. Although yes, some people do have medical conditions, there are also many people who make the choice every day to eat horribly and not exercise.

It takes work to get in shape and stay in shape. I'm really tall, so I know what you mean about "towering" over tiny girls. And I have to be careful, because even though I've always been thin, any extra weight would automatically make me look huge due to my height. I don't recall seeing a full body shot of you, but I don't remember you being fat. Don't let short petite people make you feel big, because there is physically no way that you or I will ever be that small due to being tall.

I wouldn't usually do this, but for the sake of this point, which I think is one of the reasons that I and other people in my position don't perhaps land as many guys, i'm going to.

I am 5'10, and last time I weighed in I was 13st11. I wear a UK size 14-16 trousers.

When I was at university, I was the same height, but about 12st6.

If I said to a guy like WillardNation - 'Would you date a girl who was nearly 14 stone?' what do you think his answer would be?

Society tells me i'm fat. The majority of men out there, will only call a girl 'hot' if she's slim. And if i'm completely honest it is my biggest confidence issue. I ALWAYS feel like the fat girl, because in all honestly i'm usually the biggest girl in the group/room. And even if I stand by to a guy who is slim, I feel fat next to him.

Here is the comparison of me then and now (don't have a lot of full body shots, and i've picked the same top for consistency).

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt135/hopefulsuicide/fatornot.png?t=1325959851

I know I don't look FAT.

But do you get what i'm saying about how a man saying he doesn't like fat women, would never look twice at a fat woman, etc etc, effects a girl who is classed by society as overweight?

[OctaviusINC]

Hey, here's an awkward situation!

I'm not in dire need of advice or anything but this situation made me feel uncomfortable and a bit angry. I was just looking for some views on it.

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 4 months now. She's great. Everything is awesome. She's 20 and lives with mother and brother. I'm 23. I go to their place on Christmas night because her brother is inviting over a bunch of his friends for a game/drinking night. We both don't really drink but just wanted to be together. Her brother is 28 and his friends are around that give or take a year or 2.

My girlfriend is the baby of the family. She's always told me how her brother and his friends would always "look out" for her. Which I immediately thought was BS since her brother's friends were basically hitting on her 15 minutes into the night.

Everybody was getting drunk and since we didn't drink a thing she just asked if I want to go to her room and watch some TV. I agreed. We're not party people. So we just layed in bed and watched Netflix on her laptop. She told me that one of her brother's childhood friends (we'll call him Bill) doesn't like that I spend the night with her. I basically said I really don't care what Bill thinks. And Bill should mind his own damn business. In a nice way of course.

Later in the night one of her brother's "friends" hits on her when she's on her way to the bathroom to take out her contacts. I just take a step back and listen. I find the situation amusing. He's, like, 9 years older than her and drunk.

So I'm already disliking her brother's friends. But out of respect to her brother, who is a nice guy and likes me a lot, I don't say anything.

So we go to sleep. A couple hours pass. It's around 4 am. Everybody's spending the night because they're all drunk. We're upstairs in her room with the door closed. Suddenly the door slowly creaks open and Bill is standing there (obviously intoxicated). He takes a step into the room and I pop up and give him the dirtiest look I think I gave anyone in my life. He closes the door and leaves. Oh, and let me mention Bill's girlfriend was with him that night mind you. And she was sleeping downstairs.

I go back to sleep, albeit a bit angry, and there's no more problems.

My big question is, what did that ******* think he was doing?

He's a childhood friend. He's been to that house hundreds of times. He knows where the bathroom is. I don't believe there was some sort of mistaking them.

What really bugs me is what would've happened if I wasn't there? What was that guy going to do?

You're 29 years old and your girlfriend is downstairs. Why are you walking into my girlfriends bedroom at 4am?

I highly doubt you're going to tuck her in and wish her a Merry Christmas and tell me to mind my manners. What the hell is your intentions?

I'm a guy. I know how we work. Guys rarely "look out" for girls who are not their sister. There's usually something behind it. There's always attraction.

The whole situation kind of angers me. I haven't told her though.

Girls always do the, "Oh isn't he sweet? He's looking out for me."

Nope. Probably a creep.

And if you haven't made out already, yeah, I'm apparently the jealous type.

[AndThePickles]

I wouldn't usually do this, but for the sake of this point, which I think is one of the reasons that I and other people in my position don't perhaps land as many guys, i'm going to.

I am 5'10, and last time I weighed in I was 13st11. I wear a UK size 14-16 trousers.

When I was at university, I was the same height, but about 12st6.

If I said to a guy like WillardNation - 'Would you date a girl who was nearly 14 stone?' what do you think his answer would be?

Society tells me i'm fat. The majority of men out there, will only call a girl 'hot' if she's slim. And if i'm completely honest it is my biggest confidence issue. I ALWAYS feel like the fat girl, because in all honestly i'm usually the biggest girl in the group/room. And even if I stand by to a guy who is slim, I feel fat next to him.

Here is the comparison of me then and now (don't have a lot of full body shots, and i've picked the same top for consistency).

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt135/hopefulsuicide/fatornot.png?t=1325959851

I know I don't look FAT.

But do you get what i'm saying about how a man saying he doesn't like fat women, would never look twice at a fat woman, etc etc, effects a girl who is classed by society as overweight?

I definitely get what you're saying, but unfortunately, everyone has a right to their personal preferences. Some guys can have a rude way of stating those preferences, but then, why would you want to be around a rude person, anyways?

I have no idea what 14 stone is :csad: lol. But you definitely don't look fat to me! Society's definition of overweight depends on where you live and even who you're talking to. What's important is to stay confident and happy with yourself - don't allow others to define you. I also think that if you're unhappy with you're body, it WILL make you feel better about yourself if you start working out regularly or taking a fun dance class, etc. It gives you a sense of control over yourself.

Also, I'm not sure what it's like where you live, but I know a lot of men who do NOT like really skinny girls. They want a woman with curves. Try not to compare yourself to your friends, because that makes it easy to find things you don't like about yourself.

[AndThePickles]

Yes, obviously most guys seem to prefer more petite size women. Don’t be discouraged however. Plenty of guys have found a good reason to prefer the sturdy girls. They find they tend to be better lovers. Some guys have found out there are benefits to sturdier girl. I mean by that a taller woman with a thicker bone frame.

By that I am not talking about obesity either, there is a big difference with a girl being at the upper end of her healthy BMI limit vs. being over the limit into the realm of unhealthy. Unhealthy is never attractive, but if she is still in the healthy range she is good to go.

There are some negatives to the petite size girls, and bonuses to the bigger ones. Silver lining one could say.

While the petite woman is the modern symbol of the feminine archetype, they are more often, not as good in bed. Simple physics. Its quite easy to get too rough with a petite woman, I have to be careful not to "break" her. The smaller cave can even leave bruises on your bear, he wont be sore right away, but will be very sore later. I found I have to be overly careful, cannot thrust too hard, cannot grab too hard its all too easy to hurt her back, arm, leg, etc... and they will cry if you do.

The sturdy girl, the "amazon" as some call her, can take the pounding of a water buffalo in rut. The amazon seems to have a true appreciation and enthusiasm for roughness, and there is no fear of accidentally breaking her either. I call that her being better in bed, at least from my own Brute point of view.

:lmao: "the pounding of a water buffalo in a rut" holy ****, man. I hope you don't tell the "Amazon women" that you're sleeping with about this.

I don't look particularly "sturdy" lol. I'm 5'9" but I have a small bone structure. I have zero problems attracting men, and if a guy who prefers a short girl comes along, there's plenty of other guys who like tall women (I say this as a general statement - I'm in a serious relationship and don't need a date).

I do think that if you're a tall woman, you MUST be confident. That's what makes someone model-esque height as opposed to awkwardly tall. I used to feel very uncomfortable about my height in high school, and also had horrible self confidence. When I graduated, my height didn't change, but my confidence did. From that point onward, I had plenty of men interested in me. Confidence is the key! It's all about how you carry yourself.

[Erzengel]

Don't worry ATP, I'm sure some day, some where you'll find someone to lower their standards and try and date a sturdy girl such as yourself. Just remember, don't be so picky. :up:

[AndThePickles]

Don't worry ATP, I'm sure some day, some where you'll find someone to lower their standards and try and date a sturdy girl such as yourself. Just remember, don't be so picky. :up:

If I'm lucky, they might even call me an Amazon while they lower themselves enough to smang me. One day my prince will come :hrt:

[Optimus_Prime_]

I definitely get what you're saying, but unfortunately, everyone has a right to their personal preferences. Some guys can have a rude way of stating those preferences, but then, why would you want to be around a rude person, anyways?

I have no idea what 14 stone is :csad: lol. But you definitely don't look fat to me! Society's definition of overweight depends on where you live and even who you're talking to. What's important is to stay confident and happy with yourself - don't allow others to define you. I also think that if you're unhappy with you're body, it WILL make you feel better about yourself if you start working out regularly or taking a fun dance class, etc. It gives you a sense of control over yourself.

Also, I'm not sure what it's like where you live, but I know a lot of men who do NOT like really skinny girls. They want a woman with curves. Try not to compare yourself to your friends, because that makes it easy to find things you don't like about yourself.
I definitely wouldn't call hopefulsuicide fat. While she's not the size I prefer I know many guys who like her look. In fact I'd say her type is the most sought after. Most guys aren't as into celebrity models as they'd have you believe. It's usually teens, adolescents, and sexually frustrated guys who have unrealistic expectations for women. All people who wouldn't have a lot of experience.

I would say I have high standards. I like skinny, petite frames, athletic or toned bodies, but there are a lot of misconceptions there. A lot of times the hottest chick you see has misshapen boobs or weird abs or skin problems. There are a lot of flaws women like that can and do hide.
:lmao: "the pounding of a water buffalo in a rut" holy ****, man. I hope you don't tell the "Amazon women" that you're sleeping with about this.

I don't look particularly "sturdy" lol. I'm 5'9" but I have a small bone structure. I have zero problems attracting men, and if a guy who prefers a short girl comes along, there's plenty of other guys who like tall women (I say this as a general statement - I'm in a serious relationship and don't need a date).

I do think that if you're a tall woman, you MUST be confident. That's what makes someone model-esque height as opposed to awkwardly tall. I used to feel very uncomfortable about my height in high school, and also had horrible self confidence. When I graduated, my height didn't change, but my confidence did. From that point onward, I had plenty of men interested in me. Confidence is the key! It's all about how you carry yourself.
I think tall guys need to be confident too.

[SuperMike335!!]

:lmao: "the pounding of a water buffalo in a rut" holy ****, man. I hope you don't tell the "Amazon women" that you're sleeping with about this.


I was not calling HER the water buffalo.

[AndThePickles]

I was not calling HER the water buffalo.

Haha, I see now, my bad. Still, what an analogy lol

[Anita18]

It takes work to get in shape and stay in shape. I'm really tall, so I know what you mean about "towering" over tiny girls. And I have to be careful, because even though I've always been thin, any extra weight would automatically make me look huge due to my height. I don't recall seeing a full body shot of you, but I don't remember you being fat. Don't let short petite people make you feel big, because there is physically no way that you or I will ever be that small due to being tall. Your friends who can eat whatever they want and stay the same - trust me, it will not be that way forever. With age comes slowed metabolism. They'll not only gain weight, but have other health issues potentially, as well. And you don't have to be fat to have high cholesterol, etc.
And even when you're blessed with bona fide skinny and great cholesterol genes that will last you your whole life (judging by how my parents look), you'll more than likely develop osteoporosis in your 50s. :down:

You never get something for nothing. You just have to work with what you have.

And yes, I've had women tell me they wish they were my size and it's like, "Um, look at my wrists." It's a very rare woman who possess such a tiny bone structure on a relatively tall girl. You see this kind of frame on a 5'0" woman, not one who's 5'5". And yet I still have a huge ribcage not typical of women with my frame. I like to call my body type a cockroach with a butt. :funny:

Most men would consider me too skinny. :funny: So you can never win, you know.

Hey, here's an awkward situation!

I'm not in dire need of advice or anything but this situation made me feel uncomfortable and a bit angry. I was just looking for some views on it.

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 4 months now. She's great. Everything is awesome. She's 20 and lives with mother and brother. I'm 23. I go to their place on Christmas night because her brother is inviting over a bunch of his friends for a game/drinking night. We both don't really drink but just wanted to be together. Her brother is 28 and his friends are around that give or take a year or 2.

My girlfriend is the baby of the family. She's always told me how her brother and his friends would always "look out" for her. Which I immediately thought was BS since her brother's friends were basically hitting on her 15 minutes into the night.

Everybody was getting drunk and since we didn't drink a thing she just asked if I want to go to her room and watch some TV. I agreed. We're not party people. So we just layed in bed and watched Netflix on her laptop. She told me that one of her brother's childhood friends (we'll call him Bill) doesn't like that I spend the night with her. I basically said I really don't care what Bill thinks. And Bill should mind his own damn business. In a nice way of course.

Later in the night one of her brother's "friends" hits on her when she's on her way to the bathroom to take out her contacts. I just take a step back and listen. I find the situation amusing. He's, like, 9 years older than her and drunk.

So I'm already disliking her brother's friends. But out of respect to her brother, who is a nice guy and likes me a lot, I don't say anything.

So we go to sleep. A couple hours pass. It's around 4 am. Everybody's spending the night because they're all drunk. We're upstairs in her room with the door closed. Suddenly the door slowly creaks open and Bill is standing there (obviously intoxicated). He takes a step into the room and I pop up and give him the dirtiest look I think I gave anyone in my life. He closes the door and leaves. Oh, and let me mention Bill's girlfriend was with him that night mind you. And she was sleeping downstairs.

I go back to sleep, albeit a bit angry, and there's no more problems.

My big question is, what did that ******* think he was doing?

He's a childhood friend. He's been to that house hundreds of times. He knows where the bathroom is. I don't believe there was some sort of mistaking them.

What really bugs me is what would've happened if I wasn't there? What was that guy going to do?

You're 29 years old and your girlfriend is downstairs. Why are you walking into my girlfriends bedroom at 4am?

I highly doubt you're going to tuck her in and wish her a Merry Christmas and tell me to mind my manners. What the hell is your intentions?

I'm a guy. I know how we work. Guys rarely "look out" for girls who are not their sister. There's usually something behind it. There's always attraction.

The whole situation kind of angers me. I haven't told her though.

Girls always do the, "Oh isn't he sweet? He's looking out for me."

Nope. Probably a creep.

And if you haven't made out already, yeah, I'm apparently the jealous type.
That's the clincher. He was drunk, and if they hit on your girlfriend while sober, you bet that'll be even worse when drunk. Not necessarily that he was coming in to rape her - I've had drunk guys stagger around and just say stupid, hilarious things to me. But the people I know, when they're drunk, they're silly, not violent.

You obviously know them better than we do though.

I wouldn't usually do this, but for the sake of this point, which I think is one of the reasons that I and other people in my position don't perhaps land as many guys, i'm going to.

I am 5'10, and last time I weighed in I was 13st11. I wear a UK size 14-16 trousers.

When I was at university, I was the same height, but about 12st6.

If I said to a guy like WillardNation - 'Would you date a girl who was nearly 14 stone?' what do you think his answer would be?

Society tells me i'm fat. The majority of men out there, will only call a girl 'hot' if she's slim. And if i'm completely honest it is my biggest confidence issue. I ALWAYS feel like the fat girl, because in all honestly i'm usually the biggest girl in the group/room. And even if I stand by to a guy who is slim, I feel fat next to him.

Here is the comparison of me then and now (don't have a lot of full body shots, and i've picked the same top for consistency).

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt135/hopefulsuicide/fatornot.png?t=1325959851

I know I don't look FAT.

But do you get what i'm saying about how a man saying he doesn't like fat women, would never look twice at a fat woman, etc etc, effects a girl who is classed by society as overweight?
Also keep in mind that many guys don't know what the EFF they're talking about when they say they don't want a fat woman.

For a while in the TDKR boards (yeah I know) some guy was adamant that Anne Hathaway was a fat cow and posted a pic of his gf to show his ideal woman, which IIRC he said would not be over 110lbs. The gf looked no more than 5'3", and honest to golly if she was under 110lbs, I better check my scale again because I'm sure I'd only be in the double digits.

Guys DO NOT know what clothing sizes look like, nor weight. To be fair, even I don't know what clothing sizes look like anymore thanks to vanity sizing. :funny:

What counts is confidence, or for a more specific word, poise. I know bigger girls who get lots of attention from guys, and they have a lot more poise than I do. They're comfortable in their skin, the clothing and makeup they wear enhances what they have instead of trying to make them out to be someone they're not.

[SuperMike335!!]

Haha, I see now, my bad. Still, what an analogy lol

Its all good. Pictures make it more obvious, she sure is the Buffalo of the two of us :oldrazz:

My fiance

http://img846.imageshack.us/img846/7241/picture0056j.jpg

Me:
http://img17.imageshack.us/img17/3347/dsci04963.jpg

[AndThePickles]

She is lovely :up:

[Erzengel]

Yeah, and if it's the same guy. He's full of s'. Considering his photo bucket account only had one picture of his "girlfriend" and a few pics of himself. :rolleyes:

[Optimus_Prime_]

It's the same house in both shots. I'm inclined to believe him. She is lovely. Cheers.

[SuperMike335!!]

Yeah, and if it's the same guy. He's full of s'. Considering his photo bucket account only had one picture of his "girlfriend" and a few pics of himself. :rolleyes:


Sure I'm full of "s" :whatever:

http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/8508/bedblackout.png

[Optimus_Prime_]

That was completely unnecessary but whatever. It was clearly someone you knew. I saw your same kitchen in both shots.

[Erzengel]

For a while in the TDKR boards (yeah I know) some guy was adamant that Anne Hathaway was a fat cow and posted a pic of his gf to show his ideal woman, which IIRC he said would not be over 110lbs. The gf looked no more than 5'3", and honest to golly if she was under 110lbs, I better check my scale again because I'm sure I'd only be in the double digits.



Yeah, and if it's the same guy. He's full of s'. Considering his photo bucket account only had one picture of his "girlfriend" and a few pics of himself. :rolleyes:

...

[Anita18]

That was completely unnecessary but whatever. It was clearly someone you knew. I saw your same kitchen in both shots.
Seriously. A webcam pic of you groping your sleeping girlfriend? Really?

[Anita18]

...
:lmao:

Erz, if there was a time to use the quote feature, that was it. :hehe:

But the resulting misunderstanding gave me a good laugh, so maybe it was worth it. :oldrazz:

[SuperMike335!!]

Seriously. A webcam pic of you groping your sleeping girlfriend? Really?

She wan't sleeping :cwink:.

I might have put up a less suggestive picture, and I certainly could have done worse, but then there is some *** clown who has to accuse me of putting up a picture of a "just a friend" or something. So, it makes it clear enough, she is indeed with me, and not plutonic.

Call me all sorts of things Douchebad and ***hole, guilty as charged, but Liar is not one of them.

[Erzengel]

My post wasn't directed at you. Reach the above posts.

[SpideyInATree]

Heh. Douchebad. That sounds like the title of a movie I'm going to write. I'm copyrighting that word. :oldrazz:

[Optimus_Prime_]

She wan't sleeping :cwink:.

I might have put up a less suggestive picture, and I certainly could have done worse, but then there is some *** clown who has to accuse me of putting up a picture of a "just a friend" or something. So, it makes it clear enough, she is indeed with me, and not plutonic.

Call me all sorts of things Douchebad and ***hole, guilty as charged, but Liar is not one of them.
I mean there weren't other pictures? Most girls I know wouldn't want that shown idly on a messageboard. An engagement photo perhaps?

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

This thread just took a fun direction.

http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff52/nell2thaizzay/4326f39cc6e2.gif

[Anita18]

I mean there weren't other pictures? Most girls I know wouldn't want that shown idly on a messageboard. An engagement photo perhaps?
Unless she's as much of an exhibitionist as he is?

But yeah, most people I know wouldn't want their pics to be shown willy nilly on a public messageboard, let alone one in where they're in bed in a state of undress.

What's gold is that that pic is on the first post of this page. :funny:

[SuperMike335!!]

I mean there weren't other pictures? Most girls I know wouldn't want that shown idly on a messageboard. An engagement photo perhaps?


As for her caring, it was her idea to black out her parts. This is the same girl who put up a picture of us together, in bed, as her facebook profile picture. You should have seen the **** storm that caused!

I may have overreacted a bit when accused of being a liar (or looked accused), but what's done is done.

[SpideyVille]

This thread just took a fun direction.

http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff52/nell2thaizzay/4326f39cc6e2.gif
:lmao:

That was my same reaction seeing where this went in the few hours that I was gone.

[Optimus_Prime_]

As for her caring, it was her idea to black out her parts. This is the same girl who put up a picture of us together, in bed, as her facebook profile picture. You should have seen the **** storm that caused!

I may have overreacted a bit when accused of being a liar (or looked accused), but what's done is done.
I'm frankly surprised you felt you needed to prove it at all.

[bullets]

Ok, I've been chatting with this apparently cute chick on OkCupid for a few days. We've been messaging for the past hour or so, I'm not sure of her motives, but I just asked her out to meet.

Let's see what happens..

Good luck :up: I spent an hour talking to a girl on Ok Cupid. I'm just hoping she's the real deal , lol.



I can't make calls or text on my phone, so I asked her what happened online, but she never replied. Now I just got a text from her at 4am asking if I wanted to go ice skating on Tuesday. I'll go but I don't even know if its worth making plans because I never hear from her and I hate getting ready and waiting for someone who never shows up.

I have ex girlfriend that calls when seemingly none of her friends are around. I know what the deal is so it doesn't bother me. Neither of us have many friends in this area. However it kind of got tiresome waiting to see if she would cancel. Also she does the thing with the texting , I'll send her something and not hear back for a few days. So I'm just at the point where sometimes I cancel on her so it doesn't seem like I'm readily available. Now, If she wants to go somewhere bad enough I'll know.

Hey, here's an awkward situation!
.

I'd tell your girlfriend to get a lock on the door. He sounds like a problem.

[Erzengel]

The whole situation kind of angers me. I haven't told her though.

Girls always do the, "Oh isn't he sweet? He's looking out for me."

Nope. Probably a creep.

And if you haven't made out already, yeah, I'm apparently the jealous type.
You should. Communication is very important. I'm sure the explanation by at least him and your brother and his friends is "Oh, he was just drunk." But that's not really an excuse.

I'd tell her, just so that she'd be careful around him, especially if he's drinking.

[WillardNation]

Do you understand that being fat or thin is in no way as simple as just 'she eats a lot of pies and she doesn't?'

I have 4 or 5 female friends who can eat whatever the hell they like and never put on weight. My housemate at uni used to drink a 2 litre bottle of coke every day and went to mcdonalds 3 times a week... and she was stick thin.

It's all the metabolism of the indiviual, or how your body processes your food. I don't fully understand it, but I know for a fact that it is harder for some people to stay in shape than others.

Some girls have a small frame and therefore just don't look as 'big', and some look like a giant because of their large bone structure. And hey, some people have actual medical conditions that effect how big they are, or how much they crave food.

I am of a pretty average size I guess. I'm not skinny, I have 'wobbly' bits and i'm quite tall and broad shouldered. And I do sometimes get self conscious about that fact, BECAUSE I am around so many girls who are absolutely tiny. I mean, I tower over them.

I've been called fat before in school, or made to feel self conscious about my size. I seriously was NOT fat in school, though I wouldn't believe it at the time. I look back now at pics of me in a bikini with a flat stomach and long legs and wonder how the hell I ever let them make me think that.

But I did. Because although I was completely in proportion, I looked big next to the other girls.

Now I don't know what you classify as 'fat'. That's the danger in the word.

All I know, is that if you say 'I wouldn't date a fat girl' then I assume your talking about me. That's just the way a girls brain works if she has any inkling of feeling 'fat'.
When I say "fat", I don't mean thick or a big frame. I mean a gut, cellulite, round. I'm fully aware of people's metabolisms and whatnot. But a girl who is naturally bigger, doesn't have to be fat. If you eat healthy, you'll never be fat. I guarantee that. The problem with that is, there are such gross misconceptions about what is and isn't healthy these days that somebody could be eating a very strict "healthy" (in their perception) diet and not still be fat because they are being given false information about what's actually healthy.
I still think you're a jerk to feel that you can still get away with criticizing a person's weaknesses or physical condition like that. It doesn't help you or the other person.
I'm totally ok with you thinking that. But you can't guarantee it wouldn't help another person. Some people respond better to tough, not sugar coated truth. I do.
I wouldn't usually do this, but for the sake of this point, which I think is one of the reasons that I and other people in my position don't perhaps land as many guys, i'm going to.

I am 5'10, and last time I weighed in I was 13st11. I wear a UK size 14-16 trousers.

When I was at university, I was the same height, but about 12st6.

If I said to a guy like WillardNation - 'Would you date a girl who was nearly 14 stone?' what do you think his answer would be?

Society tells me i'm fat. The majority of men out there, will only call a girl 'hot' if she's slim. And if i'm completely honest it is my biggest confidence issue. I ALWAYS feel like the fat girl, because in all honestly i'm usually the biggest girl in the group/room. And even if I stand by to a guy who is slim, I feel fat next to him.

Here is the comparison of me then and now (don't have a lot of full body shots, and i've picked the same top for consistency).

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt135/hopefulsuicide/fatornot.png?t=1325959851

I know I don't look FAT.

But do you get what i'm saying about how a man saying he doesn't like fat women, would never look twice at a fat woman, etc etc, effects a girl who is classed by society as overweight?
I wouldn't consider you fat. Could you stand to firm a bit, yeah (sorry if that comes across as mean or crass, I don't mean it to be, just being blunt for the sake of the conversation) but not fat. And if you were to ask me "Would you date a girl who was nearly 14 stone?" I would reply, "I'm sorry, what? I have no idea what a 'stone' is."
Yes, obviously most guys seem to prefer more petite size women. Don’t be discouraged however. Plenty of guys have found a good reason to prefer the sturdy girls. They find they tend to be better lovers. Some guys have found out there are benefits to sturdier girl. I mean by that a taller woman with a thicker bone frame.

By that I am not talking about obesity either, there is a big difference with a girl being at the upper end of her healthy BMI limit vs. being over the limit into the realm of unhealthy. Unhealthy is never attractive, but if she is still in the healthy range she is good to go.

There are some negatives to the petite size girls, and bonuses to the bigger ones. Silver lining one could say.

While the petite woman is the modern symbol of the feminine archetype, they are more often, not as good in bed. Simple physics. Its quite easy to get too rough with a petite woman, I have to be careful not to "break" her. The smaller cave can even leave bruises on your bear, he wont be sore right away, but will be very sore later. I found I have to be overly careful, cannot thrust too hard, cannot grab too hard its all too easy to hurt her back, arm, leg, etc... and they will cry if you do.

The sturdy girl, the "amazon" as some call her, can take the pounding of a water buffalo in rut. The amazon seems to have a true appreciation and enthusiasm for roughness, and there is no fear of accidentally breaking her either. I call that her being better in bed, at least from my own Brute point of view.
I completely disagree. I've been with a couple "sturdy" women and the sex was not even close to be as good as the sex I've had with the more petite women. Maybe it's just because that's my preference. I have no problem with thick women, I just really like my women smaller. They're not as fragile as you make them out to be, I can guarantee you will never break one. :woot:

[Anita18]

I'd tell your girlfriend to get a lock on the door. He sounds like a problem.
Lock on the door is definitely the best solution with the least drama. :up:

[SuperMike335!!]

I completely disagree. I've been with a couple "sturdy" women and the sex was not even close to be as good as the sex I've had with the more petite women. Maybe it's just because that's my preference. I have no problem with thick women, I just really like my women smaller. They're not as fragile as you make them out to be, I can guarantee you will never break one. :woot:

When I say sturdy I did not mean obese (unless you define BMI of about 24 as too big). Take a BMI of 23 or 24 and apply it to a girl who is 5'7"+ and she can still be very attractive, but petite she is not in any way, that is how I define sturdy. Right in the middle of the healthy range, but on perhaps a taller than average frame.

The problem with terms like "big" or "sturdy" is that the definition varies, .

I like girls to be smaller than me too, but its the degree of smaller. In person I am quite big. 5'9" and 160 will feel small next to a guy who is 6ft and almost 250. The tallest girl I was ever with was 6'2".

Then there are some smaller size guys, who are like 5'4" who prefer girls to be taller than themselves, but I don't see those couple too often. I suspect it is the female side that does not often date shorter men.

[SpideyInATree]

I've really only been with girls who have a little meat on their bones. I am really not a picky person when it comes to women. The only thing I'm picky about is whether they are psycho or not. I, unfortunately, attract a lot of psycho women.

My last girlfriend had such a super low self esteem and self image. I loved her a whole lot and, in my opinion, really helped her feel better about herself. The problem was that she, I think, thought that in doing that I was somehow Superman. Superman...I am not. :csad:

[SuperMike335!!]

I've really only been with girls who have a little meat on their bones. I am really not a picky person when it comes to women. The only thing I'm picky about is whether they are psycho or not. I, unfortunately, attract a lot of psycho women.

My last girlfriend had such a super low self esteem and self image. I loved her a whole lot and, in my opinion, really helped her feel better about herself. The problem was that she, I think, thought that in doing that I was somehow Superman. Superman...I am not. :csad:

I think some people attract, subconscious or otherwise, certain types of members of the opposite sex.

Its like when I hear a woman say "I'm sick of ***holes and Jerks", then likely she has for whatever reason either only attracted, or gave those same types of men the time of day.

I don't know if we do it on purpose, but it sure happens.

[SpideyInATree]

Yeah, well...when I was younger I know I attracted them because I was too much of a nice guy and that's open season for psycho women.

However, I got a little older. Learned. Got into shape. Got some self confidence and that faded away. However, a couple psychos got through so it's not completely out of my system. :oldrazz:

[WillardNation]

When I say sturdy I did not mean obese (unless you define BMI of about 24 as too big). Take a BMI of 23 or 24 and apply it to a girl who is 5'7"+ and she can still be very attractive, but petite she is not in any way, that is how I define sturdy. Right in the middle of the healthy range, but on perhaps a taller than average frame.

The problem with terms like "big" or "sturdy" is that the definition varies, .

I like girls to be smaller than me too, but its the degree of smaller. In person I am quite big. 5'9" and 160 will feel small next to a guy who is 6ft and almost 250. The tallest girl I was ever with was 6'2".

Then there are some smaller size guys, who are like 5'4" who prefer girls to be taller than themselves, but I don't see those couple too often. I suspect it is the female side that does not often date shorter men.
Yeah, I got what ya meant. I didn't mean BIG girls, just a little bigger than average. Not fat by any means. The biggest girl I think I've ever been with was maybe an inch or two taller than me with a proportionate body size. So I would not call her overweight at all, but she was bigger. And she was not good at sex at all.

And when I say smaller, I don't mean just smaller than me, I mean on the smaller side of average. I like em very petite.

[SpideyInATree]

Yeah, I got what ya meant. I didn't mean BIG girls, just a little bigger than average. Not fat by any means. The biggest girl I think I've ever been with was maybe an inch or two taller than me with a proportionate body size. So I would not call her overweight at all, but she was bigger. And she was not good at sex at all.

And when I say smaller, I don't mean just smaller than me, I mean on the smaller side of average. I like em very petite.

I'm 6' and was with a girl who was 6'3" and, trust me, she REALLY knew what she was doing! :woot:

[Anita18]

I think some people attract, subconscious or otherwise, certain types of members of the opposite sex.

Its like when I hear a woman say "I'm sick of ***holes and Jerks", then likely she has for whatever reason either only attracted, or gave those same types of men the time of day.

I don't know if we do it on purpose, but it sure happens.

:eek: Something else we agree on! :funny:

I have a coworker who's as tiny as I am. She's also an introverted hermit, but somehow finds herself in ALL kinds of trouble. Like, she's been assaulted more than once just walking down the street, and had to go across the country with none of her possessions in order to escape her fiance who had turned out to be completely psycho. Nothing resembling any of the above has ever happened to me. :funny:

There must be something I give off that tells people I don't take no crap. :hehe:

[WillardNation]

I'm 6' and was with a girl who was 6'3" and, trust me, she REALLY knew what she was doing! :woot:
Yeah, so I don't think size is any indicator of skill level.

[SuperMike335!!]

Yeah, so I don't think size is any indicator of skill level.

True, it does not indicate skill, but size does matter.

[Hound55]

I wouldn't usually do this, but for the sake of this point, which I think is one of the reasons that I and other people in my position don't perhaps land as many guys, i'm going to.

I am 5'10, and last time I weighed in I was 13st11. I wear a UK size 14-16 trousers.

When I was at university, I was the same height, but about 12st6.

If I said to a guy like WillardNation - 'Would you date a girl who was nearly 14 stone?' what do you think his answer would be?

Society tells me i'm fat. The majority of men out there, will only call a girl 'hot' if she's slim. And if i'm completely honest it is my biggest confidence issue. I ALWAYS feel like the fat girl, because in all honestly i'm usually the biggest girl in the group/room. And even if I stand by to a guy who is slim, I feel fat next to him.

Here is the comparison of me then and now (don't have a lot of full body shots, and i've picked the same top for consistency).

http://i605.photobucket.com/albums/tt135/hopefulsuicide/fatornot.png?t=1325959851

I know I don't look FAT.

But do you get what i'm saying about how a man saying he doesn't like fat women, would never look twice at a fat woman, etc etc, effects a girl who is classed by society as overweight?

I definitely get what you're saying, but unfortunately, everyone has a right to their personal preferences. Some guys can have a rude way of stating those preferences, but then, why would you want to be around a rude person, anyways?

I have no idea what 14 stone is :csad: lol. But you definitely don't look fat to me! Society's definition of overweight depends on where you live and even who you're talking to. What's important is to stay confident and happy with yourself - don't allow others to define you. I also think that if you're unhappy with you're body, it WILL make you feel better about yourself if you start working out regularly or taking a fun dance class, etc. It gives you a sense of control over yourself.

Also, I'm not sure what it's like where you live, but I know a lot of men who do NOT like really skinny girls. They want a woman with curves. Try not to compare yourself to your friends, because that makes it easy to find things you don't like about yourself.

When I say "fat", I don't mean thick or a big frame. I mean a gut, cellulite, round. I'm fully aware of people's metabolisms and whatnot. But a girl who is naturally bigger, doesn't have to be fat. If you eat healthy, you'll never be fat. I guarantee that. The problem with that is, there are such gross misconceptions about what is and isn't healthy these days that somebody could be eating a very strict "healthy" (in their perception) diet and not still be fat because they are being given false information about what's actually healthy.

I'm totally ok with you thinking that. But you can't guarantee it wouldn't help another person. Some people respond better to tough, not sugar coated truth. I do.

I wouldn't consider you fat. Could you stand to firm a bit, yeah (sorry if that comes across as mean or crass, I don't mean it to be, just being blunt for the sake of the conversation) but not fat. And if you were to ask me "Would you date a girl who was nearly 14 stone?" I would reply, "I'm sorry, what? I have no idea what a 'stone' is."

I completely disagree. I've been with a couple "sturdy" women and the sex was not even close to be as good as the sex I've had with the more petite women. Maybe it's just because that's my preference. I have no problem with thick women, I just really like my women smaller. They're not as fragile as you make them out to be, I can guarantee you will never break one. :woot:
A stone is 14 pounds, so by my math we're talking about 195-200 lbs... Something like that. Or 88.5-90.5 kilos if we're talking in terms of a proper measurement of weight...

Oh that's for talking about 14 stone... Not hopefulsuicide's own weight.

[SuperSoldier985]

Sure I'm full of "s" :whatever:

http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/8508/bedblackout.png
http://s2.buzzfeed.com/static/imagebuzz/web03/2009/6/16/17/anigif_reaction-shot-19010-1245189260-2.gif

[Optimus_Prime_]

True, it does not indicate skill, but size does matter.
Lol, not sure where to take that. Regarding the subject though, there's no way to tell how good or bad someone will be. There are a lot of hot girls who don't do nothing special.

[Anita18]

True, it does not indicate skill, but size does matter.
Just saying as a woman, there IS a physical size-limiting factor for a number of us. :o

[WillardNation]

A stone is 14 pounds, so by my math we're talking about 195-200 lbs... Something like that. Or 88.5-90.5 kilos if we're talking in terms of a proper measurement of weight...

Oh that's for talking about 14 stone... Not hopefulsuicide's own weight.
In that case, I would definitely not hook up with somebody that weighed almost 14 stone.

[Optimus_Prime_]

Just saying as a woman, there IS a physical size-limiting factor for a number of us. :o
Speaking with some, ahem, first hand knowledge most guys are big...fat liars. There is a downside, because some girls can't accommodate you. Lot of trouble making it fit, and way too much friction sometimes. It's more frustrating than people believe. I think women actually prefer average across the board.

[SuperMike335!!]

In that case, I would definitely not hook up with somebody that weighed almost 14 stone.

For me would depend on her height. If she was 6'1"+ that is a BMI of 23.7, perfectly normal.

If she is on the other hand only 5'8" then its a BMI over 27, and that is unhealthy, and risks high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes and so forth. http://www.netplaces.com/diabetes/type-2-diabetes/risks-associated-with-weight-and-bmi.htm

Everyone should exercise. That can give people more confidence and a better looking body.

I'm on a diet right now myself. I want to see my abs by summer.

[Erzengel]

In that case, I would definitely not hook up with somebody that weighed almost 14 stone.
My car gets 20 rutabagas to the click.

[Anita18]

Speaking with some, ahem, first hand knowledge most guys are big...fat liars. There is a downside, because some girls can't accommodate you. Lot of trouble making it fit, and way too much friction sometimes. It's more frustrating than people believe. I think women actually prefer average across the board.
That reminds me of the time where my bf and I were having some laughs perusing "Best of Craigslist." There was one that was about online dating tips, and the author wrote, "Guys, when you measure yourselves, it's from the base, NOT the undercarriage! :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

Yes, average is preferred for this gal! And there are still times where my internal parts are hanging a little lower than usual and we still have to stop. Unlike some people, I don't consider pain and puking to be an enjoyable aspect of sex. :o

[Hound55]

I'm not really in the position to go judging too many people as hot or not.

I'm a scrawny little stick-figure who's slowly working on a beer gut and also happen to have the pastiest torso outside of Scotland and a face only a mother could love... I'm also rapidly balding myself.

That said, I don't think I'd have too many issues finding someone if I were single once again.

[Hound55]

Unlike some people, I don't consider pain and puking to be an enjoyable aspect of sex. :o
Soft...

[SuperSoldier985]

:up:
It always baffles me when fat people get offended about people saying **** about fat people. Racism, sexism, THOSE are the kinds of things you can get offended about. But you being lazy and not caring enough about yourself to take care of yourself does not give you the privilege to get offended. One time, a friend and I were standing in line to get some food after the bars closed one night and I was saying something along the lines of, "Yeah man, blond, brunette, redhead, black, Asian, white, hispanic, I don't discriminate, I like em all."
These two girls who were standing in front of us (one fat and one just really ugly) turn around and the ugly one says, "Well that's cool. Although I'm sure you discriminate against size, don't you?"
I replied, "Of course I do. You can't expect me to love you if you don't even love yourself."

My propositions are always serious. :cwink:
Being lazy has little to do with anything BTW..

Growing up overweight, you tend to notice things that most people will never see. When I grew up, I ate the same food that everyone else ate, I showed up to gym and exercised just as much as everyone else and as time grew on, these kids always stayed skinny, fit, or toned muscularly, while I never did.

Sure, for some cases, it does take "work", but it's been scientifically proven as fact time and time again, that things such as metabolism, your body type (i.e., mesomorph, endomorph), and how your body responses to certain foods and physical activity is directly attributed to your genetics--aka things you CANNOT change.

There are men and women out there starving themselves, feeling miserable, while constantly living in pain, trying to fit into those size 8s and 9s, whereas there are a lot of women or men out there that eat anything they want, exercise extremely moderately, and they just don't gain weight. I'm not saying that people can't change or aren't willing to change--I'm willing to believe (if me and my family are proof) that anyone can change themselves--I'm just saying it's not a black and white issue. Everyone's different and I'm more prone to let people be exactly who they are. Eventually they'll find their own way through life in terms of who they want to be. My sister is a great example--she was made fun of a lot through her life and she had a lot of depression and anxiety issues too to the point where she contemplated suicide. Throughout her entire life she's fought to lose weight but nothing worked. She had to resort to surgery to drop the weight. Only she knows whether or not it was what she truly wanted.

So to me, calling someone "fat" and even "skinny" IS very offensive to people and trust me, yes, calling a skinny person "skinny" usually offends that person, but probably not to the same level as "fat".

[Hound55]

I didn't call anyone fat though, and neither did Anubis.

The term "fat" was never defined in the issue. It was just a general at length statement "Fat people need love too." and left in those terms there's nothing demeaning about that.

Simple logic.

All people need love.
Fat people are still people.
Therefore, "Fat people need love too."

[Anita18]

So to me, calling someone "fat" and even "skinny" IS very offensive to people and trust me, yes, calling a skinny person "skinny" usually offends that person, but probably not to the same level as "fat".
People can call me skinny. It's just a physical adjective. I mean, tell me something I DON'T know. :oldrazz:

It's when people declare fat or skinny people to be better than or less than is what I have issues with.

[SuperSoldier985]

Yep, sure, I agree.

I'm just giving my two cents.

[Anubis]

Ugos need love too. :o

[Hound55]

Ugos need love too.
*Sighs*

*Gets out firemans hose and proceeds to put out the new spot-fires*

[Anubis]

:funny:

[WillardNation]

Fat people are still people.

No. Not in my world.

Kidding.
Kind of.
:oldrazz:

[terry78]

This thread did win Thread of the Year, didn't it? If not it was robbed.

[Parker Wayne]

My head is spinning from the last few pages.

[SuperSoldier985]

No. Not in my world.

Kidding.
Kind of.
:oldrazz:
Still,.... :dry:

[Optimus_Prime_]

This thread did win Thread of the Year, didn't it? If not it was robbed.
Censored softcore porn. I'm go out on a limb and say they were really having sex in that pic. Like it's a screenshot of a video recording.

[bullets]

Ain't nothing wrong with that :up:

[hopefuldreamer]

I wouldn't consider you fat. Could you stand to firm a bit, yeah (sorry if that comes across as mean or crass, I don't mean it to be, just being blunt for the sake of the conversation) but not fat.

Not even remotely.

And can I say one thing? The guys on this thread are so refreshing to me :)

No ******** replies of 'You're not fat, you're crazy' or some usual line about loving girls with love handles.

You guys are just honest, and agreeing with me about the FACTS that I have been experiancing my entire life.

I am not fat, but i am not petit. Most guys who say 'Wow that girl is hot' will only ever be referring to a girl who is skinny. It's not me being paranoid, it's me being realistic.

Doesn't mean I can't get a guy into bed. Doesn't even mean I can't get a boyfriend when I'm ready for one.

Just means that I do not fit the social convention of 'hot'.

If i'm did, with my personality, i'm sure I wouldn't have a problem :hehe:

Cause i'm kind of awesome :awesome:

[terry78]

Well, if it brings back the status quo, you are taller than me, so I would be slightly afraid of you putting a beatdown on me. :o

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Not even remotely.

And can I say one thing? The guys on this thread are so refreshing to me :)

No ******** replies of 'You're not fat, you're crazy' or some usual line about loving girls with love handles.

You guys are just honest, and agreeing with me about the FACTS that I have been experiancing my entire life.

I am not fat, but i am not petit. Most guys who say 'Wow that girl is hot' will only ever be referring to a girl who is skinny. It's not me being paranoid, it's me being realistic.

Doesn't mean I can't get a guy into bed. Doesn't even mean I can't get a boyfriend when I'm ready for one.

Just means that I do not fit the social convention of 'hot'.

If i'm did, with my personality, i'm sure I wouldn't have a problem :hehe:

Cause i'm kind of awesome :awesome:

I agree, and disagree, with what I bolded. At least from my perspective.

Yes, I typically like "smaller" girls, or at least not fat girls (and no, you're not fat :)), but yes, there have been girls who are "fat" who I thought were hot.

But yes, admittedly, my preference is a short, slender brunette girl. That's what a few of my female friends tell me anyways. :p

[bullets]

I prefer petite girls but I've dated some chubby girls that had pretty faces. I guess it just depends.

Also this girl I'm talking to on okcupid is hot but she smokes pot. I probably should be cool with that but it makes me uncomfortable.

[Anita18]

I agree, and disagree, with what I bolded. At least from my perspective.

Yes, I typically like "smaller" girls, or at least not fat girls (and no, you're not fat :)), but yes, there have been girls who are "fat" who I thought were hot.

But yes, admittedly, my preference is a short, slender brunette girl. That's what a few of my female friends tell me anyways. :p
Well she did say "most" which is probably true.

If I dressed the part, I'm sure I would be considered "hot" by most guys, which highly amused me when my friend was telling me that my ex-bf was emailing all his friends (including said friend, who was a mutual friend. Not me though, he's not that crass :funny:) pictures of his new gf who later became his wife, raving about "what a hottie" he'd bagged. Describing her as "overweight" would be putting it very kindly, but she did have a huge rack and showed it off liberally. What can I say, he was a boob man and I have no idea how he found me attractive to begin with. :funny:

Different strokes for different folks. There's someone for everybody. :yay:

[SpideyVille]

I prefer petite girls but I've dated some chubby girls that had pretty faces. I guess it just depends.

Also this girl I'm talking to on okcupid is hot but she smokes pot. I probably should be cool with that but it makes me uncomfortable.
Well it depends. Is that a turn-off for you? I remember after hearing that the girl my friend wanted to set me up with smoked, the image I had of her definitely changed and I was glad it didn't work out in the end because there were a bunch of things about her that I knew I was better off not dealing with.

[bullets]

Well it depends. Is that a turn-off for you? I remember after hearing that the girl my friend wanted to set me up with smoked, the image I had of her definitely changed and I was glad it didn't work out in the end because there were a bunch of things about her that I knew I was better off not dealing with.


It's a turn-off, yeah. I've done it occasionally at parties but it's not something I'm into. Also I dated a girl not to long ago that had issues with oxycotin. That's much worse but both bring about the wrong kind of people. I guess it depends on how she is about it but after reading some of her tweets , Idk. She is into reading philosophy and sounds interesting. I'm just hoping the good can outweigh the bad.

[Anubis]

Not even remotely.

And can I say one thing? The guys on this thread are so refreshing to me :)

No ******** replies of 'You're not fat, you're crazy' or some usual line about loving girls with love handles.

You guys are just honest, and agreeing with me about the FACTS that I have been experiancing my entire life.

I am not fat, but i am not petit. Most guys who say 'Wow that girl is hot' will only ever be referring to a girl who is skinny. It's not me being paranoid, it's me being realistic.

Doesn't mean I can't get a guy into bed. Doesn't even mean I can't get a boyfriend when I'm ready for one.

Just means that I do not fit the social convention of 'hot'.

If i'm did, with my personality, i'm sure I wouldn't have a problem :hehe:

Cause i'm kind of awesome :awesome:

Yeah, well, I actually am a dude who digs girls with some junk in their trunk.....guys too...but that's just me. :o

[SpideyVille]

It's a turn-off, yeah. I've done it occasionally at parties but it's not something I'm into. Also I dated a girl not to long ago that had issues with oxycotin. That's much worse but both bring about the wrong kind of people. I guess it depends on how she is about it but after reading some of her tweets , Idk. She is into reading philosophy and sounds interesting. I'm just hoping the good can outweigh the bad.
Yeah, that's how I was with the girl my friend wanted to set me up with. First she told me that this girl was really into comics, artists and smart guys, which made her sound perfect. But then she told me she smoked, drank hard liquor, and had at least one tattoo and was planning to get more, which are my big three turn-offs. I was still willing to meet her, but alas we all know how that turned out.

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

So I think I may have a crush on a girl who I've known for a couple years now, who I swore up and down I didn't look at like that, and didn't think I did, but now I think I do.

Yeah.

:up:

[hopefuldreamer]

Well, if it brings back the status quo, you are taller than me, so I would be slightly afraid of you putting a beatdown on me.

:hehe:

Yeah, I usually only date guys who are my height or more.

I have a friend actually who has had a crush on me for years, but he's this tiny little man :awesome: It just wouldn't work.

I agree, and disagree, with what I bolded. At least from my perspective.

Yes, I typically like "smaller" girls, or at least not fat girls (and no, you're not fat :)), but yes, there have been girls who are "fat" who I thought were hot.

But yes, admittedly, my preference is a short, slender brunette girl. That's what a few of my female friends tell me anyways. :p

There's always an exception to the rule, but it is a general consensus I think :)

Personally I don't understand a hair colour preference though.

Although having said that, I do find myself partial to a man with a bit of rugged stubble.

Well she did say "most" which is probably true.

If I dressed the part, I'm sure I would be considered "hot" by most guys, which highly amused me when my friend was telling me that my ex-bf was emailing all his friends (including said friend, who was a mutual friend. Not me though, he's not that crass :funny:) pictures of his new gf who later became his wife, raving about "what a hottie" he'd bagged. Describing her as "overweight" would be putting it very kindly, but she did have a huge rack and showed it off liberally. What can I say, he was a boob man and I have no idea how he found me attractive to begin with.

Different strokes for different folks. There's someone for everybody.

This is definitely the biggest asset for any woman with extra poundage - we usually have great boobs :D

My best friend has little to no boobs and was always really self conscious about it, and a bit jelous. But i'd just say to her 'You got the gorgeous face and the slim body, you can't have everything!' :p

So I think I may have a crush on a girl who I've known for a couple years now, who I swore up and down I didn't look at like that, and didn't think I did, but now I think I do.

Yeah.

:up:

I love it when that happens :D

Do you think she's interested?

[AndThePickles]

Yeah, that's how I was with the girl my friend wanted to set me up with. First she told me that this girl was really into comics, artists and smart guys, which made her sound perfect. But then she told me she smoked, drank hard liquor, and had at least one tattoo and was planning to get more, which are my big three turn-offs. I was still willing to meet her, but alas we all know how that turned out.
So you essentially don't want a girl who parties, correct?

[SuperMike335!!]

Although having said that, I do find myself partial to a man with a bit of rugged stubble.


You kinda got a thing for the very masculine ones. :oldrazz:

[SpideyVille]

So you essentially don't want a girl who parties, correct?
Ideally, no I wouldn't want one, at least not one who feels its necessary to go to a party every week in order to have a good time. Part of it is because that's not what I do and it would make me uncomfortable to be going to random parties or clubs. But I know that that would hard to find, especially in this day and age so there's definitely room for compromise. It really depends on the girl and what she does at those parties.

[Hound55]

I suggest breaking into women's bedrooms on Friday night and asking them out.

At least that way you know you're getting someone who stays at home rather going out to party of an evening...

[Optimus_Prime_]

Ideally, no I wouldn't want one, at least not one who feels its necessary to go to a party every week in order to have a good time. Part of it is because that's not what I do and it would make me uncomfortable to be going to random parties or clubs. But I know that that would hard to find, especially in this day and age so there's definitely room for compromise. It really depends on the girl and what she does at those parties.
Those people seem like the ideal candidates for online dating. I think you'll find most people who have any reason to be confident want to go out and party. I think it's good to find some kind of party type activity you can do. Convention Road Trips or something? It's kind of hard to get a girl to "come hang out and do nothing". If you want to get girls to just "come hang" I'd suggest drugs, tell them you have drugs, otherwise you have to show them a good time somewhere. You'll have to go out or plan an activity. If you want to date someone in real life, I'd pick doing an activity you could hypothetically do with that person. Doesn't have to be "partying". There are certainly people who avoid partying completely. They are just harder to find. You have to be creative to put yourself in a position to meet them on a regular basis.

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I love it when that happens :D

Do you think she's interested?

Honestly I have no idea. Shes a cool girl and we've always gotten along, but I never really tried to read the way she acts around me like that. So I've no clue on whether shed be interested or not.

[WillardNation]

So I've started talking to this girl I broke up with a couple months ago again. I'd rather not but there aren't a lot of options in this town. I really need to move to a bigger city....

[SpideyVille]

Those people seem like the ideal candidates for online dating. I think you'll find most people who have any reason to be confident want to go out and party. I think it's good to find some kind of party type activity you can do. Convention Road Trips or something? It's kind of hard to get a girl to "come hang out and do nothing". If you want to get girls to just "come hang" I'd suggest drugs, tell them you have drugs, otherwise you have to show them a good time somewhere. You'll have to go out or plan an activity. If you want to date someone in real life, I'd pick doing an activity you could hypothetically do with that person. Doesn't have to be "partying". There are certainly people who avoid partying completely. They are just harder to find. You have to be creative to put yourself in a position to meet them on a regular basis.Like I said, it really depends on the girl and what her idea of "partying" and having a "good time" is. Like I know people who drink, but only socially, which I'll tolerate much more than someone who smokes. But if its a case of going to parties, getting drunk or close to it, and making out with random people, then I don't want that.Like I have a friend who said she wanted to take me out to a club for my birthday with a bunch of her friends. And if she's serious about it, I'll do it. But knowing the kind of girl that she is and the friends she has, they are these kinds of girls.

But I think for me, I'll be more interested in a girl who doesn't feel the need to be at a party to have a good time. I mean there's plenty of other things to do on a friday night that don't involve staying home or partying that people can have fun with But I know a lot of people who feel like if you're not partying or drinking on a friday night or during the weekend, then it was a crappy weekend. And I just can't understand that.
Honestly I have no idea. Shes a cool girl and we've always gotten along, but I never really tried to read the way she acts around me like that. So I've no clue on whether shed be interested or not.
Go for it. Unless it's one of those deals where she's a good friend and you wouldn't want to ruin that. In that case, go for it.

[Hound55]

So I've started talking to this girl I broke up with a couple months ago again. I'd rather not but there aren't a lot of options in this town. I really need to move to a bigger city....
You've been through all eligible candidates once already..?

[Anubis]

Yeah, that's how I was with the girl my friend wanted to set me up with. First she told me that this girl was really into comics, artists and smart guys, which made her sound perfect. But then she told me she smoked, drank hard liquor, and had at least one tattoo and was planning to get more, which are my big three turn-offs. I was still willing to meet her, but alas we all know how that turned out.


Yeah, she's too good for you. :o

[Thebumwhowalks]

Like I said, it really depends on the girl and what her idea of "partying" and having a "good time" is. Like I know people who drink, but only socially, which I'll tolerate much more than someone who smokes. But if its a case of going to parties, getting drunk or close to it, and making out with random people, then I don't want that.Like I have a friend who said she wanted to take me out to a club for my birthday with a bunch of her friends. And if she's serious about it, I'll do it. But knowing the kind of girl that she is and the friends she has, they are these kinds of girls.

But I think for me, I'll be more interested in a girl who doesn't feel the need to be at a party to have a good time. I mean there's plenty of other things to do on a friday night that don't involve staying home or partying that people can have fun with But I know a lot of people who feel like if you're not partying or drinking on a friday night or during the weekend, then it was a crappy weekend. And I just can't understand that.



just to pick up on what I was saying on the lounge thread... this is what i was talking about, the reason you can't understand why folk are like this, is cause you've never tried it. I don't know man, maybe it might be a good idea to try going to a quiet bar and just having a couple of beers or something, just to see what it's like, a harmless amount.
Clubs as well, y'know, you will probably end up in a position of having to go to one at some point if you have a gf, even if she is not into clubs particularly, one of her friends is bound to be, and will want her at a birthday party or something.

and as i was also saying...I don't want to see you years down the line still talking like this, still stcuk in the same position with the same quandaries...and you might think, well, surely something will happen for me sooner or later...but, it m,ight not, it's really easy for guys to fall into a rut of never getting anywhere substantial with the opposite sex, and you seem to have more social obstacles in your way than most at this point.
Man, my nephew was just like you, never thought he'd drink at all, and then he did and enjoyed it, but y'know, he doesn't drink that much at all. and he is a very quiet guy, like you i imagine, you never know.

[Anita18]

This is definitely the biggest asset for any woman with extra poundage - we usually have great boobs :D

My best friend has little to no boobs and was always really self conscious about it, and a bit jelous. But i'd just say to her 'You got the gorgeous face and the slim body, you can't have everything!' :p
Very true! I used to be very self-conscious about my lack of boobs, but I have other things going for me, and frankly, I've been to Victoria's Secret and tried on their "add 2 cup sizes!" bras. On a woman as downright bony as I am, it looks really really really really stupid. :funny:

Those people seem like the ideal candidates for online dating. I think you'll find most people who have any reason to be confident want to go out and party. I think it's good to find some kind of party type activity you can do. Convention Road Trips or something? It's kind of hard to get a girl to "come hang out and do nothing". If you want to get girls to just "come hang" I'd suggest drugs, tell them you have drugs, otherwise you have to show them a good time somewhere. You'll have to go out or plan an activity. If you want to date someone in real life, I'd pick doing an activity you could hypothetically do with that person. Doesn't have to be "partying". There are certainly people who avoid partying completely. They are just harder to find. You have to be creative to put yourself in a position to meet them on a regular basis.
Just as you said, we're all online. :yay: Online dating really should lose its stigma of being just for ugly people. Some people just don't go out, that's just how they are.

Like I said, it really depends on the girl and what her idea of "partying" and having a "good time" is. Like I know people who drink, but only socially, which I'll tolerate much more than someone who smokes. But if its a case of going to parties, getting drunk or close to it, and making out with random people, then I don't want that.Like I have a friend who said she wanted to take me out to a club for my birthday with a bunch of her friends. And if she's serious about it, I'll do it. But knowing the kind of girl that she is and the friends she has, they are these kinds of girls.

But I think for me, I'll be more interested in a girl who doesn't feel the need to be at a party to have a good time. I mean there's plenty of other things to do on a friday night that don't involve staying home or partying that people can have fun with But I know a lot of people who feel like if you're not partying or drinking on a friday night or during the weekend, then it was a crappy weekend. And I just can't understand that.
I totally get you. One of my housemates really had to go partying hard at clubs every weekend (he was in his mid-30s then) and told me, "You know how you just want to de-stress after a hard work week?" and I was like, "No, no I don't." :funny:

What you want is an introvert. Even not-as-partying extroverts I know really need to be OUT (although not necessarily getting piss-drunk) all the time. And as Optimus Prime said, we're all online. :funny:

[Thebumwhowalks]

I totally get you. One of my housemates really had to go partying hard at clubs every weekend (he was in his mid-30s then) and told me, "You know how you just want to de-stress after a hard work week?" and I was like, "No, no I don't."

What you want is an introvert. Even not-as-partying extroverts I know really need to be OUT (although not necessarily getting piss-drunk) all the time. And as Optimus Prime said, we're all online.

If someone is at the starting off point of never going out, of never socialising, never having been on a date, it's strangling their social and emotional development to advise them to stay indoors and find someone on the net, and then hopefully, you will meet someone who also likes to stay indoors all the time and you can both stay indoors all of the time.
You need a point in your life where you should be going out and interacting with the adult world, otherwise you're just gonna lose out on a lot of personal development.


Things like the internet has made it far too easy for people to give into being weak and scared of the 'big bad' world, it gives them an excuse that they are actually interacting with the world, when really, they are not.

I grew up being very introverted, but I pushed myself into going out and combating shyness. Being introverted is not always a natural state of being for people, what it can be a lot of the time is folk coming up with excuses to avoid their fears. And that should not be encouraged.

[bullets]

Yeah, that's how I was with the girl my friend wanted to set me up with. First she told me that this girl was really into comics, artists and smart guys, which made her sound perfect. But then she told me she smoked, drank hard liquor, and had at least one tattoo and was planning to get more, which are my big three turn-offs. I was still willing to meet her, but alas we all know how that turned out.


I don't want to date a party girl either. I'd like someone who can go out and have fun but doesn't center her life around it. I'm just past that point.
There is lots of things you can do without getting drunk of course. I think you might have to give in once in a while but you can go to a club without drinking.

[SuperMike335!!]

But I think for me, I'll be more interested in a girl who doesn't feel the need to be at a party to have a good time. I mean there's plenty of other things to do on a friday night that don't involve staying home or partying that people can have fun with But I know a lot of people who feel like if you're not partying or drinking on a friday night or during the weekend, then it was a crappy weekend. And I just can't understand that.


Definitely do not start drinking or partying with drugs to make yourself more attractive. That is a bad idea, because it is changing a big part of who you are. When I say "work on ones self", I almost always mean their own self confidence, and to practice things like striking up small flirting and going for phone numbers.

You can try online dating, if you want, but a lot of guys have marginal luck with that if any as it’s a big sausage-fest but there is no harm in keeping a profile up and e-mailing a couple new girls a day, you may get some takers.

The other thing I suggest is doing more things out of your home, and when you do try to practice talking to women and trying to get numbers. There are all sorts of web sites with decent advice on how to do that. One simple thing to try is to flirt with and go for numbers just once in every place you go, succeed of fail, your objective is to try just once per place. Who knows? The perfect girl for you may be no further than the avocado rack at your local grocery store.

Work on your self confidence and the ability to flirt and transition into getting phone numbers. That can just come from trail and error, so don’t be afraid to fail. In fact if you fail so much you will get comfortable with being shot down. The benefit is you will become immune to being afraid of being shot down, impervious to rejection, and then these rejections will happen less and less, and soon you will be good at getting numbers.

The places she is not in, are the places you don’t want to be in anyway.
You never have to go and do things that you have a personal disgust for. Be sure to have standards so don’t let loneliness drive you to even accept a date with a girl who has habits that disgust you ever again.

[Anita18]

If someone is at the starting off point of never going out, of never socialising, never having been on a date, it's strangling their social and emotional development to advise them to stay indoors and find someone on the net, and then hopefully, you will meet someone who also likes to stay indoors all the time and you can both stay indoors all of the time.

You need a point in your life where you should be going out and interacting with the adult world, otherwise you're just gonna lose out on a lot of personal development.

Things like the internet has made it far too easy for people to give into being weak and scared of the 'big bad' world, it gives them an excuse that they are actually interacting with the world, when really, they are not.

I grew up being very introverted, but I pushed myself into going out and combating shyness. Being introverted is not always a natural state of being for people, what it can be a lot of the time is folk coming up with excuses to avoid their fears. And that should not be encouraged.
I dunno, most of the drama I've encountered in real life, I've managed quite well. My bf actually states it as one of the more admirable traits about me. :yay: I've met quite a number of extroverted people who can't handle ANYTHING themselves and need someone to hold their hand through everything. So it's never black and white.

Being introverted doesn't mean that you lock yourself up and don't go out at all. It just means that when you DO go out and interact with people, you need a lot of alone time to recharge.

One of the most self-reliant and centered people I know is my mom (ask all my relatives!), and she is perfectly fine going weeks without talking to another human being. :funny: As long as she's got the dog keeping her company, it's all good.

[Thebumwhowalks]

I dunno, most of the drama I've encountered in real life, I've managed quite well. My bf actually states it as one of the more admirable traits about me. :yay: I've met quite a number of extroverted people who can't handle ANYTHING themselves and need someone to hold their hand through everything. So it's never black and white.

Being introverted doesn't mean that you lock yourself up and don't go out at all. It just means that when you DO go out and interact with people, you need a lot of alone time to recharge.

One of the most self-reliant and centered people I know is my mom (ask all my relatives!), and she is perfectly fine going weeks without talking to another human being. :funny: As long as she's got the dog keeping her company, it's all good.

That just sounds...really depressing, cutting yourself off from the world like that. I have both my introvert and extrovert side, the extrovert side had to be developed, the introvert side came naturally, as it does to all people, because it is easy to be afraid of the 'big bad' world.
this thing you are talking about of 're-charging' after being outside, I mean, that does sound like fear you are reacting to, it does not sound like a natural or healthy process.

edit: This should not be encouraged in other people, sure, it's fine to be introverted, being a quiet person, but you should not be afraid of the world like that.

[Anita18]

That just sounds...really depressing, cutting yourself off from the world like that. I have both my introvert and extrovert side, the extrovert side had to be developed, the introvert side came naturally, as it does to all people, because it is easy to be afraid of the 'big bad' world.

this thing you are talking about of 're-charging' after being outside, I mean, that does sound like fear you are reacting to, it does not sound like a natural or healthy process.
Said exactly like an extrovert who doesn't understand introverts. :cwink: I have cousins who are the same way. Believe me, an introvert is most happiest when they're self-confident in their introvertedness. I wasn't when I was with my first bf (who was an awkward extrovert) and I was MISERABLE.

My mom always has projects going and she does see people when they're in town. She also goes out to volunteer (which my true hermit-y dad would never do :funny: ) and is learning a lot from the people she meets there. She's hardly cutting herself off. At the same time, she doesn't feel the NEED to be around people for the sake of being around them. That's my point.

[Thebumwhowalks]

Said exactly like an extrovert who doesn't understand introverts. :cwink: I have cousins who are the same way. Believe me, an introvert is most happiest when they're self-confident in their introvertedness. I wasn't when I was with my first bf (who was an awkward extrovert) and I was MISERABLE.

My mom always has projects going and she does see people when they're in town. She also goes out to volunteer (which my true hermit-y dad would never do :funny: ) and is learning a lot from the people she meets there. She's hardly cutting herself off. At the same time, she doesn't feel the NEED to be around people for the sake of being around them. That's my point.


I edited a bit onto my post....It's fine to be introverted, to be a quiet person, seeking quiet pursuits... But you should not be afraid of the world like that, having to 're-charge' after being out with other people, and this is what I am talking about, if you do not try to develop yourself socially and emotionally, then you will always be afraid of the world and miss out.
Maybe you should have played in a band...maybe you should go to see bands, maybe you'd love it, but you don't, cause an introvert on the net told you it was ok to stay indoors most of the time, and being on the net all the time was a perfectly healthy way to live....which it is not, *unless* it is your choice, and not part of a reaction to being scared of the world and not wanting to face it.

[DV8]

so I haven't been in a REAL relationship in a long time; I've been seeing a few different chicks here and there, and there are 2 that have kind of become major interests for me

One is a promotional model; she travels around a lot which means she is gone, but she has been published in several "booty model" mags (Lol) and has a CRAZY awesome work ethic; I know that I can help her do things with her career, but like I said she's gone a lot, and she does ditzy model stuff that kind of annoys me

the other girl just ended a VERY long relationship with her boyfriend. I think I was partly to blame, because I email her everyday and have basically become her emotional boyfriend. She is a your quintessential "good girl". Very cute to me, I like her fashion sense, and she's not a big attention whore like a lot of females I'm use to dealing with (my own fault). She is also really into Batman and comic movies: A HUGE PLUS Lol

I don't have much of a question other than, while I'm taking it slow with the good girl; I don't want her to jump right into another relationship; and I don't want to be the rebound guy . . . I also don't want to just let her loose and have her get with another rebound guy that lasts another 8 years lol

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Go for it. Unless it's one of those deals where she's a good friend and you wouldn't want to ruin that. In that case, go for it.

Nope, she's not a good friend, not like that anyways. We're friends, but she's not like a super close friend or anything.

If anything, the "awkward" would be in the fact that she's in the department with me, so it could make future productions awkward, but ya know, maybe not too.

[Anita18]

I edited a bit onto my post....It's fine to be introverted, to be a quiet person, seeking quiet pursuits... But you should not be afraid of the world like that, having to 're-charge' after being out with other people, and this is what I am talking about, if you do not try to develop yourself socially and emotionally, then you will always be afraid of the world and miss out.

Maybe you should have played in a band...maybe you should go to see bands, maybe you'd love it, but you don't, cause an introvert on the net told you it was ok to stay indoors most of the time, and being on the net all the time was a perfectly healthy way to live....which it is not, *unless* it is your choice, and not part of a reaction to being scared of the world and not wanting to face it.
No quite literally, I get really really physically tired after being out with people, especially large groups. That's just how I am. That's how ALL introverts are. I'm all for seeing people and going out and trying new things (if only a lot of it didn't cost $$$ :funny: ) but I can only do that like, once a week.

My sister can go out every day and still keep going like an Energizer bunny. My mom can't do that, neither can I, but we're totally down for trying new things. If my dad had his way, he'd have a kitchen and bed in his study and live there 24/7. :funny: So I'm used to seeing it. My dad isn't really a people person, but there's definitely no fear there. In fact, he's a little TOO brash and comes off intimidating sometimes. :funny:

The older people I've talked to (and for some reason older people LOVE talking to me), they admire that I'm so centered and self-reliant for someone so young. The young'uns they say, they always need to drown out their inner self with external stimulation. I suppose when many people get older, they quiet down and start listening inside.

If you don't get introverts, you don't get introverts. The world is mostly extroverts anyway, you can ignore us if you want. :funny: But don't tell us we need help and that we need growing up.

That's all I'm going to say on this matter. :cwink:

[Thebumwhowalks]

Sounds like it's exhaustion of the body due to anxiety of the mind, and that is part and parcel of being afraid of the world, and by the world, I mean people.

I don't wanna be analysing your parents for chrisakes, but, haha, I'm gonna, see, your dad can be brash and confident in the realm of his own kingdom, that's easy, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have anxiety about being around people and the unpredictable situations that rise from social settings.
and that's what I am talking about when it comes to developing, trying not to be such a control freak, and letting the chips fall where they may, letting other people take the reigns of the situation, see where it leads, the things that keep life from being the same day, every day.
Because that is where you could end up, I guess that maybe alright for some people, but i like to think I don't know what is going to happen round the corner of my life, and like to surprise myself, and the people around me.

[WillardNation]

You've been through all eligible candidates once already..?
There might be some I haven't met yet but I don't know where I would meet them. Most of the attractive women around my age in this town are taken or have kids and whatnot.

[SpideyVille]

I totally get you. One of my housemates really had to go partying hard at clubs every weekend (he was in his mid-30s then) and told me, "You know how you just want to de-stress after a hard work week?" and I was like, "No, no I don't." :funny:

What you want is an introvert. Even not-as-partying extroverts I know really need to be OUT (although not necessarily getting piss-drunk) all the time. And as Optimus Prime said, we're all online. :funny:Yeah, like personally, when I see myself out at work or school for most of the day/week the last thing I want to do is go back out once I'm done. I'd rather spend the night or weekend relaxing.

But with that said, I wouldn't necessarily say I want an introvert. Like I'm introverted because I've never really had friends or someone to talk to (except my mom but she is never objective so I learned to just be quiet with everything). But deep down inside I like attention and I like being around people, and sometimes when I'm home too much I feel like I need to get out and escape. But the reason I don't go out on my own too much is because I don't have anyone to go out with, which is a whole other issue about me learning how to be a friend and inviting people out.

And I also look at my brother who was a lot like me when he was young. In college he met a girl who liked to drink and party and it wasn't so much of an issue for him because he was just glad to have a girl pay attention to him. But they would go to a club and she would tell him to sit down while she had her fun on the dance floor, and then they would leave together since he didn't like to dance or drink. Of course my brother would also take her out places and let me tag along like to the movies or something, but now they don't go out as much because of the kids and if she drinks, its at home when they have people over for a dinner party or hangout. I've noticed though that we've stopped hanging out and I've stopped going out because of this.

I don't want to date a party girl either. I'd like someone who can go out and have fun but doesn't center her life around it. I'm just past that point.
There is lots of things you can do without getting drunk of course. I think you might have to give in once in a while but you can go to a club without drinking.
Yeah, like I mentioned, my friend said she wants to take me out and if she's serious, I'll go. But I think the thing that bothers me the most is tat whenever I'm out with people that are drinking, they always try to force me to drink, which is a big no-no for me.. Whenever people try to force me to do something, even if I want to, I won't for some reason. I like choosing to do something on my own and not because I feel pressured,

The other thing I suggest is doing more things out of your home, and when you do try to practice talking to women and trying to get numbers. There are all sorts of web sites with decent advice on how to do that. One simple thing to try is to flirt with and go for numbers just once in every place you go, succeed of fail, your objective is to try just once per place. Who knows? The perfect girl for you may be no further than the avocado rack at your local grocery store.

Work on your self confidence and the ability to flirt and transition into getting phone numbers. That can just come from trail and error, so don’t be afraid to fail. In fact if you fail so much you will get comfortable with being shot down. The benefit is you will become immune to being afraid of being shot down, impervious to rejection, and then these rejections will happen less and less, and soon you will be good at getting numbers.

The places she is not in, are the places you don’t want to be in anyway.
You never have to go and do things that you have a personal disgust for. Be sure to have standards so don’t let loneliness drive you to even accept a date with a girl who has habits that disgust you ever again.
Yeah, this is pretty much the key for me because honestly, I don't go out too much, for various reasons, like no money or people to go out with to places that I would want to be. I feel like all of those are things that I need to work on not just for relationship success, but also for bettering myself and finding new things to interest me.

And yeah a big reason why I was interested in that girl was because I didn't have many options, so I have to work on putting myself in position to have more options and opportunities to meet people.

Nope, she's not a good friend, not like that anyways. We're friends, but she's not like a super close friend or anything.

If anything, the "awkward" would be in the fact that she's in the department with me, so it could make future productions awkward, but ya know, maybe not too.
Sounds like you should give it a shot. But by productions, do you mean acting or something?

I know I had the same fear with some girl in my acting class because I didn't want to hurt my grade if we had a scene together. I didn't go for it and even though I kinda wish I did, I'm glad I didn't because I found out afterward that she has a boyfriend, so I avoided a possible awkward situation with that.

[Thebumwhowalks]

I have been reading this thread regularly for about a year now, has any single person who has been coming into the thread asking for advice, ever came back in and said they'd now been successful in getting a girlfriend or boyfriend?
Maybe the thread is jinxed. haha

[bullets]

Well AF finally kissed her bf. (or he kissed her I should say). Also some of us signed up on dating websites and that's been going ok.

[Thebumwhowalks]

Ok, so the thousands of posts in the last year have not totally been in vain, thank God all that time and effort was not wasted.

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Sounds like you should give it a shot. But by productions, do you mean acting or something?

I know I had the same fear with some girl in my acting class because I didn't want to hurt my grade if we had a scene together. I didn't go for it and even though I kinda wish I did, I'm glad I didn't because I found out afterward that she has a boyfriend, so I avoided a possible awkward situation with that.

Yea we are both in the theatre department at our college. We haven't actually acted together, but she's been behind the scenes on some shows I've worked on, written some shows I've worked on, as well as we've had some classes together in the department.

What I'm mostly worried about (if it's even anything to worry about) is the gossip that would come from it. She's pretty major in the department. Not like in an "out of my league" way or anything.

And I do know for a fact that she's single.

[steintym]

:woot: The one success story has been a first kiss.

Still fun conversation and reading.

[SpideyVille]

Yea we are both in the theatre department at our college. We haven't actually acted together, but she's been behind the scenes on some shows I've worked on, written some shows I've worked on, as well as we've had some classes together in the department.

What I'm mostly worried about (if it's even anything to worry about) is the gossip that would come from it. She's pretty major in the department. Not like in an "out of my league" way or anything.

And I do know for a fact that she's single.
It kinda sounds like the whole "not dating co-workers" thing where if it turns out bad, you can't fall back on the comfort of not seeing the person again because you actually will see them often. I know this guy and girl in my acting class that I thought were dating early in the semester because they spent a lot of time together, but then they stopped. At the end of the semester we found out that they were dating for a week and that they had a few other classes together, so it was kind of awkward for both of them.

But I think you're focusing more on the negative consequences instead of what good might come out of it. Maybe you should at least try to talk to her and spend some more time trying to get to know her and see if she shows signs of interest.

[bullets]

I say if you really like the girl to move forward with it. There's risks but sometimes it's worth it. Also you've known the girl for awhile so maybe you'll know how she'll respond if it doesn't work out.


:woot: The one success story has been a first kiss.

Still fun conversation and reading.

I agree :up:

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

It kinda sounds like the whole "not dating co-workers" thing where if it turns out bad, you can't fall back on the comfort of not seeing the person again because you actually will see them often. I know this guy and girl in my acting class that I thought were dating early in the semester because they spent a lot of time together, but then they stopped. At the end of the semester we found out that they were dating for a week and that they had a few other classes together, so it was kind of awkward for both of them.

But I think you're focusing more on the negative consequences instead of what good might come out of it. Maybe you should at least try to talk to her and spend some more time trying to get to know her and see if she shows signs of interest.

The bolded is essentially what I'm going to do. I'll explore it. Can't be that bad. She certainly wouldn't be the first girl I've gone after in the department, nor would she be the worst choice of girls I could go after in the department.

[Erzengel]

The bolded is essentially what I'm going to do. I'll explore it. Can't be that bad. She certainly wouldn't be the first girl I've gone after in the department, nor would she be the worst choice of girls I could go after in the department.
Doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement.

[WillardNation]

What's everybody's thoughts on soul mates, fate, etc?

[SpideyVille]

I used to have a firm belief in soul mates, especially after I met this one girl who seemed to perfectly fit everything I had wanted in a girl. But after that didn't work out, I realized that sometimes what feels like its meant to be really isn't supposed to be.

But I still think that things happen for a reason, whether we realize it or not and eventually we end up with who we're supposed to be with.

[bullets]

I've only felt that way about a girl once and I wound up leaving her (long distance relationship). The opportunity to get back together opened up and I didn't act on it either. So I think you can fall in love with someone to the point of believing that but fate is a strange thing. Not sure it exists. I think two people can be absolutely right for each other but not sure there's some type of destiny at play.

[ComicChick]

not sure how i feel on it

my grandparents have been married 65 years, my parents have been together 41, my aunt and uncle were together 50+ and another aunt and uncle of mine are going at 50+ years too. i guess when people in my grandma's family get married, they do it right.

i'd be lying to myself if i said i didn't want to find someone to spend my life with like that. but i'm not sure that it would happen, especially these days.
some days i don't even feel like i'll ever get married at all

[Anita18]

I have been reading this thread regularly for about a year now, has any single person who has been coming into the thread asking for advice, ever came back in and said they'd now been successful in getting a girlfriend or boyfriend?
Maybe the thread is jinxed. haha
Well I've been dating my bf for a little more than three years and the first time I visited this thread was before then. Maybe you need to go back a bit more. :funny:

Though I didn't listen to y'alls advice about moving on after I said there wasn't a whole lot of chemistry at first. :funny: Some relationships just need time to bloom.

What's everybody's thoughts on soul mates, fate, etc?
Too much pressure, I don't really think about it.

And as for fate, well, you make your own fate. :yay:

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement.

I don't think you took that comment the way I meant it when I typed it.

She's fine. I've gone after a few other "bad choices" within the department, however, that looking back at it, I'm glad it didn't work out.

As for the "soul mate", "fate" question - don't believe in it.

I don't believe in fate, I don't believe in supernatural forces that have pre-determined events in our lives. I don't believe in "soul mates", I don't believe that there's one person that you're "meant" to be with. I think there's people that you're compatible with, and you find someone that you're compatible with. Hopefully.

[Anita18]

not sure how i feel on it

my grandparents have been married 65 years, my parents have been together 41, my aunt and uncle were together 50+ and another aunt and uncle of mine are going at 50+ years too. i guess when people in my grandma's family get married, they do it right.

i'd be lying to myself if i said i didn't want to find someone to spend my life with like that. but i'm not sure that it would happen, especially these days.
some days i don't even feel like i'll ever get married at all
That's the thing about "soulmates" - in this day and age, hoping for a "soulmate" more often than not means having unrealistic expectations. It carries too much baggage.

The world is more connected than ever, and we're traveling further than our grandparents ever did. Instead of looking for a partner in our neighborhood in our teens, we hope to meet our soulmate in college, at work, online, when we move to a new city, etc etc.

Believe fervently in "the one" or your soulmate or whoever, could cause you to ditch perfectly good partners in the search for a perfect one that doesn't exist. Like that college girl I mentioned before who wanted to break up with her bf because he didn't have her taste in art and music. :funny:

I don't think most of us here are quite THAT bad though. Just a little picky, like myself. :cwink:

[The Squirrel]

I think marriage can work between any two people that are willing to work hard enough.

[SpideyVille]

I've only felt that way about a girl once and I wound up leaving her (long distance relationship). The opportunity to get back together opened up and I didn't act on it either. So I think you can fall in love with someone to the point of believing that but fate is a strange thing. Not sure it exists. I think two people can be absolutely right for each other but not sure there's some type of destiny at play.
It's like something they said on How I Met Your Mother early this season. Basically the two things you are chemistry and timing. Once you have chemistry with someone, the only thing missing is getting the timing right, and timing's a *****.

I know that was the case with me. Most of the girls that I got a long great with didn't turn into anything more because the timing was bad. Either they just got a boyfriend or they recently got out of a long relationship. It shouldn't be too complicated, but sometimes things come up that we can't control, and more often than not its for the better.
i'd be lying to myself if i said i didn't want to find someone to spend my life with like that. but i'm not sure that it would happen, especially these days.
some days i don't even feel like i'll ever get married at all
I feel the same sometimes. Like ideally I want it to be one and done, but in this day and age, people don't hold the same value to committment as they did in the past, mostly because divorce is considered much more common than in the past. Before, if you had problems, you were stuck with someone and had to figure out a way to fix it. But now people separate or get divorce, even if they have kids and its not as bad.

Like I look at my brother who just got married after 15 years with his girlfriend, but my sister got married twice in the span of 5 years and is getting divorced for the second time.

And as for fate, well, you make your own fate. :yay:
No fate but what we make. :cwink:

[SuperSoldier985]

I think my cute OkCupid girl has shut me down.. :mad:

We were all set to go out. I tried to set something up for Sunday, but at some point early Saturday, apparently she had to re-check her schedule or something and I haven't heard anything back since... :( I sent her a follow-up message and a text asking to meet up again sometime this week but no response yet.

*** fricking ******.

[Anita18]

I think my cute OkCupid girl has shut me down.. :mad:

We were all set to go out. I tried to set something up for Sunday, but at some point early Saturday, apparently she had to re-check her schedule or something and I haven't heard anything back since... :( I sent her a follow-up message and a text asking to meet up again sometime this week but no response yet.

*** fricking ******.
Have some other girls waiting in the wings. Don't feel bad about that - you're just dating, totally not exclusive yet.

[SuperSoldier985]

The girls I have waiting...they're definitely several points down the ladder.. :( I was just testing the waters with them until something better popped up.

Looks like I'm gonna have to drop my expectations even lower...

[Anita18]

The girls I have waiting...they're definitely several points down the ladder.. :( I was just testing the waters with them until something better popped up.

Looks like I'm gonna have to drop my expectations even lower...
Is the pool really that poor? When I'd shop for guys on POF, I always came up with some that I'd be fine with dating. The way you guys make it seem like, you're only finding homeless people on there. :funny:

Or is that because there are 5x more guys on dating sites than girls? :o

[AndThePickles]

What's everybody's thoughts on soul mates, fate, etc?
I don't believe in soul mates. I think that there are multiple people in the world that you could happily spend the rest of your life with. It's your job to decide who that is, and that's not to say that other people won't come along, but you make the choice to stay with one person.

[hopefuldreamer]

What's everybody's thoughts on soul mates, fate, etc?

I don't believe fate is something set in stone, like we have no control.

But I do think there are things we are 'meant' to do and people we are 'meant' to meet along the way.

Basically, I like the philosophy of 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho when it comes to fate/soul mates.

I do think that some connections are inexplicable and immediate, and that a person or a choice can just feel 'right'.

That's not to say that other choices aren't possible, or that you can't be happy with someone/something else.

But maybe not AS happy.

[HisMagicTrick]

What's everybody's thoughts on soul mates, fate, etc?

I definitely do not believe in anything like fate, but that's probably because I'm extremely cynical. I believe that everything in life is a choice, and everything that happens is because of yours and other peoples own choices, not some firm thing that was destined to happen no matter what (if that makes sense).

People tell themselves their soul mates or whatever most likely because they're both really compatible with each other, and because they'd like to believe they were meant to be together. I don't think there is anything more to it.

[Thebumwhowalks]

Well I've been dating my bf for a little more than three years and the first time I visited this thread was before then. Maybe you need to go back a bit more.

Aye, well, that was before I was a regular poster here, ie if you are inexperienced and single, and come into this thread now, there is no chance you will have any success, because I have jinxed the thread.

[Erzengel]

I don't believe in soul mates. I think that there are multiple people in the world that you could happily spend the rest of your life with. It's your job to decide who that is, and that's not to say that other people won't come along, but you make the choice to stay with one person.
I feel the same way.

Although, I grew up on a military base and when we were both children, she visited it and we were probably in the same vicinity but never met. Then we met like 16 years later in another state.

I like that story.

[SuperSoldier985]

Is the pool really that poor? When I'd shop for guys on POF, I always came up with some that I'd be fine with dating. The way you guys make it seem like, you're only finding homeless people on there. :funny:

Or is that because there are 5x more guys on dating sites than girls? :o
Oh, I have no doubt that there are way more guys to choose from on these sites than there are girls.

[Erzengel]

Well I've been dating my bf for a little more than three years and the first time I visited this thread was before then. Maybe you need to go back a bit more. :funny:

Though I didn't listen to y'alls advice about moving on after I said there wasn't a whole lot of chemistry at first. :funny: Some relationships just need time to bloom.


I think 1 out of 100 people this thread works. :o

I remember I think his name was Ghostvirus? And he spent like 2-3 years infatuated with a girl at some Pharmacy. Everyone kept saying, just ask her out. But he'd get nervous, have anxiety attacks and only to later found out she was married or something.

Let's not forget Ghostrider87 but his is an exception because I'm pretty sure he has a form of aspergers which I'm kinda sure maybe 1 or 2 other people here are undiagnosed.

Most time in this thread people are looking for confirmation on a pre-made decision that they are already going ahead with.

[AndThePickles]

I feel the same way.

Although, I grew up on a military base and when we were both children, she visited it and we were probably in the same vicinity but never met. Then we met like 16 years later in another state.

I like that story.

That is neat :up:

[SuperFerret]

Had an awesome first date last night with a girl I met on okCupid, now I've gotta find a Turkish place for #2. I don't know if I even like Turkish food.

[Erzengel]

You never had a Klauh Kalesh?

[SuperFerret]

I just googled that and wound up on a racist website. So, no, I've never had that.

[Erzengel]

http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i212/XErzengelX/SHH%20Images/111.jpg

[hopefuldreamer]

Personally I believe I have a soul mate, but he's not a romantic partner.

[Optimus_Prime_]

Personally I believe I have a soul mate, but he's not a romantic partner.
I have the same view. I think people often forget you don't love just one person in your life, you may love several. Sex is not necessary for love either. Frankly, my Mom and Dad are two people I love way more than anyone I've slept with or thought of sleeping with.

[bullets]

I think my cute OkCupid girl has shut me down.. :mad:

We were all set to go out. I tried to set something up for Sunday, but at some point early Saturday, apparently she had to re-check her schedule or something and I haven't heard anything back since... :( I sent her a follow-up message and a text asking to meet up again sometime this week but no response yet.

*** fricking ******.

I was talking to a girl and everything seemed to be good but I didn't hear anything from her yesterday . She could be talking to another guy for all I know or maybe I said the wrong thing. Then I messaged another girl on POF and we started chatting but she had schoolwork to do and we'll talk later tonight. I'd just keep my options open so I don't get too disappointed if something doesn't work out. So just keep at it man.



That's not to say that other choices aren't possible, or that you can't be happy with someone/something else.

But maybe not AS happy.

I was with in a relationship with a girl who was like my soul mate. We just always seemed to know what the other was thinking also. I had to move and broke it off though. A couple years later I fell in love with another woman and we had a great relationship but I had some issues and wound up ruining it.
So I was happy with both but I've only had that feeling of being completely in love once. I think anything after that comes with a bit of skepticism and you can never reach that point again.

[Anita18]

I feel the same way.

Although, I grew up on a military base and when we were both children, she visited it and we were probably in the same vicinity but never met. Then we met like 16 years later in another state.

I like that story.
My parents were born in Taiwan, around the same city. But they met in the US, which is obviously a lot bigger. :funny:

My ex-bf believed in fate, because it was luck that his parents met like they did (it rained or something like that, causing his mom to change her plans or somesort). And he met his wife at a political get-together he just figured he might as well go to because he was sick of unpacking. She had basically made the same decision. :funny:

But again, it was a set of decisions they made that caused them to meet, it wasn't like they were doing their usual routine and this person fell from the sky.

I think 1 out of 100 people this thread works. :o

I remember I think his name was Ghostvirus? And he spent like 2-3 years infatuated with a girl at some Pharmacy. Everyone kept saying, just ask her out. But he'd get nervous, have anxiety attacks and only to later found out she was married or something.

Let's not forget Ghostrider87 but his is an exception because I'm pretty sure he has a form of aspergers which I'm kinda sure maybe 1 or 2 other people here are undiagnosed.

Most time in this thread people are looking for confirmation on a pre-made decision that they are already going ahead with.
Yup pretty much. And I think many people come on here looking for advice when they've already invested a lot into a potential relationship, whereas I think it's more common that the other person isn't interested.

[Erzengel]

And of course for posters to post about not s'ing and never getting off the pot. :o

[Anita18]

And of course for posters to post about not s'ing and never getting off the pot. :o
Right. If you think you should do it, go out and do it!

[SpideyVille]

My ex-bf believed in fate, because it was luck that his parents met like they did (it rained or something like that, causing his mom to change her plans or somesort). And he met his wife at a political get-together he just figured he might as well go to because he was sick of unpacking. She had basically made the same decision. :funny:

But again, it was a set of decisions they made that caused them to meet, it wasn't like they were doing their usual routine and this person fell from the sky.
I'm the same way. That's why I felt like that girl that I met when I started college was the perfect girl because we first started talking when I went to see a school play for one of our classes. I could've gone on any day of the week and I had no intention of seeing her or even talking to anyone. I just wanted to go and get out of there as fast as I could. But then she said 'hi' to me and that opened the door for me to start talking to her in class and online and it really did feel like we were two of a kind. Everything really seemed to work together perfectly except the timing since she had just gotten out of two relationships back to back and still wasn't over her ex.

This also remind me of the end of 500 Days of Summer, when he meets Autumn and she tells him that she used to go to the same spot in the park as him and the reason he probably never saw her was because he wasn't looking. I guess that's how I also want it to happen, whether someone wants to call to fate or coincidence.

[Erzengel]

^
My only problem with this is it almost feels like you are relying on something other than yourself for a girl to come a knocking.

The only reason you started talking to this girl, is because SHE said hi to you and SHE started talking to you.

If you believe in fate or free will, that's fine, but I think even fate needs you to make the first move sometimes. You can't sit in a room and just wait.

[SpideyVille]

You're absolutely right. From what I've learned, no matter what you believe in, you still have to go at least halfway, or make some kind of effort in order to get what you want.

Like back when I was in church with her, I would here so many people say that they couldn't wait for God to bring them their ideal person. One day my pastor told this girl that that's never going to happen if she sits and waits for Prince Charming to come and that in order for God to give you something you have to meet him halfway to show you really want it.

Now I've learned to take the religious aspect of it out and look at it from an outside perspective, I've seen that it still holds true with anything in life. If you don't take one step, you can't really expect anything to be handed to you. My mom does the same now. She talks about wanting to get married but she doesn't go out or even makes an attempt to make friends with anyone, plus she's still hung up on her ex and is waiting for him to come back to her. It's because of this attitude that her see her being alone for the rest of her life.

[SuperMike335!!]

What's everybody's thoughts on soul mates, fate, etc?


I do not believe in it, at all. Hence, Pre-Nups are essential.

I think there are people who are compatable, and ones who are not.

When two people who are compatable get together, all of the sudden they believe they have found their soulmates.

See Freakonomics for more on the wrong cause being attributed to effect.

[SuperMike335!!]

Notice a few guys on the last page have had issues with girls flaking on them. Flaking is when she cancels a date on you at the last minute, or no shows etc...

When this happens I don’t ever contact the girl back. If I do, its a one word reply, like "weak", and has to be sent via text right away. Now if I don’t get her flaking text until 3 hours have passed I simply do not reply and move on.

You cannot reduce flakiness by being more accommodating or more available. I have found it can be reduced by being less accommodating and seeming less available. She is not valuing your time, so you should. You should always be more busy than her.

If she calls to re-schedule, even if she has a very good reason, I first decline the time she suggested and offer a different one on my terms, saying its the only time I’m available until next week.

I believe that 9 out of 10 times, when a girl calls and cancels it is NOT because of whatever excuse you are given, but an emotional thing. It does show that for some reason she is having second thoughts.

What causes this? Well some things that are 100% out of your control, but there are some mistakes guys make and I think seeming overly eager, calling or texting to double check or confirm, or anything that looks needy and shows a lack of confidence is a great way to get your date to flake.

She has never met you yet, and a lot of women find the biggest problems with the men they meet is that they are too needy, and lack confidence. She only has to go on what you have shown her, so if you text her a whole lot before you have even met, then you look like you are putting too much investment into her already, and again that displays neediness. Neediness is that antithesis of Confidence.

Its better to be show that you have an aura of mystery and intrigue and not show all your cards too soon. Often the best way to make her interested is to tell her less.

[amazingfantasy15]

This also remind me of the end of 500 Days of Summer, when he meets Autumn and she tells him that she used to go to the same spot in the park as him and the reason he probably never saw her was because he wasn't looking. I guess that's how I also want it to happen, whether someone wants to call to fate or coincidence.

Here's your problem, even saying you'll go halfway is a problem. Let's give an example, a friend mentions to you she works with someone she thinks is great for you. You and her come up with a whole scenario where you can "meet cute" in the bookstore where she works at. After a few minutes of talking you and the conversation not going exactly how you predicted it would you give up. Afterwards your friend says you didn't leave much of an impression on the girl, why because you were just a customer. That's halfway.

What's really trying, not just halfway, you ask your friend for the girls number directly, you invite her to comic con directly. You don't rely on some weird plan where you try to recreate a "meet cute in the bookstore" movie scene.

[SpideyInATree]

The girls I have waiting...they're definitely several points down the ladder.. :( I was just testing the waters with them until something better popped up.

Looks like I'm gonna have to drop my expectations even lower...

Maybe that's what that girl you were setting something up with was doing with you. She could have just been testing the waters and something, at least to her, better came along. Women can be just as picky and superficial as some men are.

[amazingfantasy15]

Notice a few guys on the last page have had issues with girls flaking on them. Flaking is when she cancels a date on you at the last minute, or no shows etc...

When this happens I don’t ever contact the girl back. If I do, its a one word reply, like "weak", and has to be sent via text right away. Now if I don’t get her flaking text until 3 hours have passed I simply do not reply and move on.

You cannot reduce flakiness by being more accommodating or more available. I have found it can be reduced by being less accommodating and seeming less available. She is not valuing your time, so you should. You should always be more busy than her.

If she calls to re-schedule, even if she has a very good reason, I first decline the time she suggested and offer a different one on my terms, saying its the only time I’m available until next week.

I believe that 9 out of 10 times, when a girl calls and cancels it is NOT because of whatever excuse you are given, but an emotional thing. It does show that for some reason she is having second thoughts.

What causes this? Well some things that are 100% out of your control, but there are some mistakes guys make and I think seeming overly eager, calling or texting to double check or confirm, or anything that looks needy and shows a lack of confidence is a great way to get your date to flake.

She has never met you yet, and a lot of women find the biggest problems with the men they meet is that they are too needy, and lack confidence. She only has to go on what you have shown her, so if you text her a whole lot before you have even met, then you look like you are putting too much investment into her already, and again that displays neediness. Neediness is that antithesis of Confidence.

Its better to be show that you have an aura of mystery and intrigue and not show all your cards too soon. Often the best way to make her interested is to tell her less.

This is something I totally agree with, I would always just go with one call before a first date, wouldn't even bother with texting. When I did online dating, by, at most, the thrid email I sent I'd offer to go out with the girl. I'd ask for her number and offer mine to set up the details, that was it, never wanted to invest too much time on the phone or emails, because that says absolutely nothing about the real person.

However, if she flakes on or before the first date, just move on, she doesn't even deserve the sarcastic "weak" text in my mind. Just feels a way to ask for her to give you another chance, without losing too much ego.

[WillardNation]

I think marriage can work between any two people that are willing to work hard enough.
People always say that but I'm under the firm belief that if they're the right one, there shouldn't be any work at all.
I don't believe fate is something set in stone, like we have no control.

But I do think there are things we are 'meant' to do and people we are 'meant' to meet along the way.

Basically, I like the philosophy of 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho when it comes to fate/soul mates.

I do think that some connections are inexplicable and immediate, and that a person or a choice can just feel 'right'.

That's not to say that other choices aren't possible, or that you can't be happy with someone/something else.

But maybe not AS happy.
I can go with that.
I definitely do not believe in anything like fate, but that's probably because I'm extremely cynical. I believe that everything in life is a choice, and everything that happens is because of yours and other peoples own choices, not some firm thing that was destined to happen no matter what (if that makes sense).

People tell themselves their soul mates or whatever most likely because they're both really compatible with each other, and because they'd like to believe they were meant to be together. I don't think there is anything more to it.
I most definitely believe in fate/destiny simply because there has been way too many things in my life that "just happened" and turned out to be huge, life changing things for me. Or I was in some kind of trouble or jam and something just "coincidentally" happened to happen to help me out of it. I most certainly belief that we are in control and make our own decisions, but I also believe that there is something else going on. I mean, it was because of a seemingly random series of events/decisions that I wound up moving to city I knew absolutely nothing about and completely turned my life around.

As far as relationships go, I don't know though. The reason I originally asked is because I've been thinking about this one particular girl lately. This particular girl, for lack of a better term, was my first love and my first heartbreak. We never actually got officially together at any point but the feelings were there for both of us. We were teenagers when we first met so obviously we were both dumb and acted in ways we wouldn't as adults. Anyway, we've kept in contact over the years off and on and every time we see each other, it's just impossible to not feel that connection. I've been with my fair share of women over the years and I haven't been able to bring myself to enter into a serious relationship with any of them (save for one but that was put to a halt by her moving to California) and yet, almost 9 years later, I still think about and have an immense desire for that girl. And I'm fairly certain she feels the same way. I text her last month asking if she was going back home for xmas because I was debating whether or not I wanted to and her reply was, "Yes, I will definitely be there. YOU SHOULD COME!" And after we hung out and we were hugging goodbye, her hug was definitely not a "ok, see ya later" hug. Like she squeezed tight and held on for a while as if she didn't want to leave. I'm sure there would've been some kissing too, but we were in front of a group of people.

So now I'm just thinking to myself, what do I do with that? This has been the only girl I've known that I would feel comfortable saying I love and absolutely want to be with. Even the girls I've dated that I thought were pretty cool I've thought, "she's nice, but I definitely wouldn't think twice about cheating on her". But we live a thousand miles apart and if I move, it's in the other direction. I would never sacrifice my lifestyle/career to move back to the midwest. And of course that could even be a moot point; I mean, I'm roughly 99% sure she feels the same way but we haven't had that discussion. So what, is this the girl that I'm meant to be with? Or do I just let her go and carry on with my jaded/cynical way of sleeping with random women and never getting attached while holding out the possibility that I might someday meet someone else that I could find that connection with?

I just proposed the idea to her of coming down to visit on spring break (she's been saying she really wants to visit) and she "liked" my comment on facebook so I think that could happen. If it does, I guess I'll take that opportunity to sort all this **** out.
My parents were born in Taiwan, around the same city. But they met in the US, which is obviously a lot bigger. :funny:

My ex-bf believed in fate, because it was luck that his parents met like they did (it rained or something like that, causing his mom to change her plans or somesort). And he met his wife at a political get-together he just figured he might as well go to because he was sick of unpacking. She had basically made the same decision. :funny:

But again, it was a set of decisions they made that caused them to meet, it wasn't like they were doing their usual routine and this person fell from the sky.
It's stories like that that make me believe in fate/destiny. It's just way too coincidental. I don't believe anything happens by accident.

[WillardNation]

This also remind me of the end of 500 Days of Summer, when he meets Autumn and she tells him that she used to go to the same spot in the park as him and the reason he probably never saw her was because he wasn't looking. I guess that's how I also want it to happen, whether someone wants to call to fate or coincidence.

That reminds me of when I first started talking to girl I was seeing a couple months ago. On our first date, she told me about all these times she had seen me places but was too shy to come up and talk to me. I had never seen her at any of the places she mentioned.

[Troy_Parker]

Hmm, so there was a girl that I really liked. Like, REALLY. But, it didn't work out. She didn't care and I felt like **** for nearly 2 years.

I'm much happier now though, as I'm in a relationship with someone who cares as much about me, as I do for her. =D

[The Squirrel]

People always say that but I'm under the firm belief that if they're the right one, there shouldn't be any work at all.

Well I hope that comes true for you. But I think it's that kind of belief that leads to divorce. As soon as they start hitting some bumps, people jump ship.

[Anita18]

People always say that but I'm under the firm belief that if they're the right one, there shouldn't be any work at all.
Well, depends on what you consider to be "work." Being able to communicate honestly and being able to compromise comes easy for some people. For those people, marriage will be easier than for people who have a lot of chemistry but are hardheaded and believe their partner should be mind readers.

As far as relationships go, I don't know though. The reason I originally asked is because I've been thinking about this one particular girl lately. This particular girl, for lack of a better term, was my first love and my first heartbreak. We never actually got officially together at any point but the feelings were there for both of us. We were teenagers when we first met so obviously we were both dumb and acted in ways we wouldn't as adults. Anyway, we've kept in contact over the years off and on and every time we see each other, it's just impossible to not feel that connection. I've been with my fair share of women over the years and I haven't been able to bring myself to enter into a serious relationship with any of them (save for one but that was put to a halt by her moving to California) and yet, almost 9 years later, I still think about and have an immense desire for that girl. And I'm fairly certain she feels the same way. I text her last month asking if she was going back home for xmas because I was debating whether or not I wanted to and her reply was, "Yes, I will definitely be there. YOU SHOULD COME!" And after we hung out and we were hugging goodbye, her hug was definitely not a "ok, see ya later" hug. Like she squeezed tight and held on for a while as if she didn't want to leave. I'm sure there would've been some kissing too, but we were in front of a group of people.

So now I'm just thinking to myself, what do I do with that? This has been the only girl I've known that I would feel comfortable saying I love and absolutely want to be with. Even the girls I've dated that I thought were pretty cool I've thought, "she's nice, but I definitely wouldn't think twice about cheating on her". But we live a thousand miles apart and if I move, it's in the other direction. I would never sacrifice my lifestyle/career to move back to the midwest. And of course that could even be a moot point; I mean, I'm roughly 99% sure she feels the same way but we haven't had that discussion. So what, is this the girl that I'm meant to be with? Or do I just let her go and carry on with my jaded/cynical way of sleeping with random women and never getting attached while holding out the possibility that I might someday meet someone else that I could find that connection with?

I just proposed the idea to her of coming down to visit on spring break (she's been saying she really wants to visit) and she "liked" my comment on facebook so I think that could happen. If it does, I guess I'll take that opportunity to sort all this **** out.
Well if you're ready to make a change in your life, might as well go for it. It's surely better than doing nothing and continuing down your current path, and it'll end the "What ifs" that plague you.

It's stories like that that make me believe in fate/destiny. It's just way too coincidental. I don't believe anything happens by accident.
I don't think anything happens by accident either, but again, in both scenarios, decisions were made by the people in question to put themselves in a place where they would meet their future partners. The rest was up to them. Nobody handed them anything.

So if you believe in fate, trusting in your decisions is more important than anything. If it's fate, it'll happen.

[terry78]

Life is not a Disney animated feature where romance just sprouts up. Unless you've been taking more acid than usual.

[SpideyVille]

Here's your problem, even saying you'll go halfway is a problem. Let's give an example, a friend mentions to you she works with someone she thinks is great for you. You and her come up with a whole scenario where you can "meet cute" in the bookstore where she works at. After a few minutes of talking you and the conversation not going exactly how you predicted it would you give up. Afterwards your friend says you didn't leave much of an impression on the girl, why because you were just a customer. That's halfway.

What's really trying, not just halfway, you ask your friend for the girls number directly, you invite her to comic con directly. You don't rely on some weird plan where you try to recreate a "meet cute in the bookstore" movie scene.Yeah, I admit the handling of that situation was all wrong. The big issue for me was that her friend didn't want to be set up with anyone so we were trying to set up something so that she could at least see me first and if I made an impression, then we would take it from there. We were also supposed to go out as a group so I could talk to her some more but that never happened. It was my fault for rushing things so that they could work out before comic con, but either way it was all for naught since she didn't even go.

But my whole point was that some people wouldn't even go through the trouble of going to the store or even go out with their friends to meet someone.

That reminds me of when I first started talking to girl I was seeing a couple months ago. On our first date, she told me about all these times she had seen me places but was too shy to come up and talk to me. I had never seen her at any of the places she mentioned.
Yeah the same thing happened to me last year with the girl I liked. I sat across from her all semester and at the end of the semester when we finally started talking, she told me she had a huge crush on me for the longest. I actually thought she hated me since she would never pass any handouts to me.

[SuperMike335!!]

This is something I totally agree with, I would always just go with one call before a first date, wouldn't even bother with texting. When I did online dating, by, at most, the thrid email I sent I'd offer to go out with the girl. I'd ask for her number and offer mine to set up the details, that was it, never wanted to invest too much time on the phone or emails, because that says absolutely nothing about the real person.

However, if she flakes on or before the first date, just move on, she doesn't even deserve the sarcastic "weak" text in my mind. Just feels a way to ask for her to give you another chance, without losing too much ego.

In general you can never go wrong by simply not contacting a flake back. If she is later begging to still meet you, then you can make her meet you at your own place and on your own terms.

[Optimus_Prime_]

I always send them a message expressing disapproval of them, specifically I'll question their realness and or throw in the phrase "I thought you were hot". Past tense infer they have to win back your perception of them as hot. Make it somewhat mean but mostly disappointed. Do it at like 2 or 3 in the morning by text, just to rub in the d***ish behavior. Don't imply you want them to see you again.

Just kidding...

But seriously that's worked, lol.

[steintym]

People always say that but I'm under the firm belief that if they're the right one, there shouldn't be any work at all.


You've never been married, have you? Even the best marriages in the world take work.

...And I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that. Heck, most relationships, of any kind, take some level of work unless you're completely self absorbed. Working at something to make it successful doesn't automatically have to equate to a bad thing.

[Anita18]

You've never been married, have you? Even the best marriages in the world take work.

...And I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that. Heck, most relationships, of any kind, take some level of work unless you're completely self absorbed. Working at something to make it successful doesn't automatically have to equate to a bad thing.
My bf and I live 300 miles apart. He usually takes time out of his weekend to fly down and see me every few weeks. (He lives with his parents so if I flew up, we have to book a place somewhere else for some actual private time.) It doesn't feel like "work" to him, but to some I guess it could be construed as work. And it does take actual work for him to earn the money in order to do that. :funny:

But yeah, it doesn't have to feel like "work" but all relationships obviously take some effort...

[steintym]

Good point Anita ...

It does take work and it should take work, but if it's all good ... It shouldn't feel like work. Or at the very least, it's work you're willing to deal with because the outcome is worth it.

[SpideyVille]

My bf and I live 300 miles apart. He usually takes time out of his weekend to fly down and see me every few weeks. (He lives with his parents so if I flew up, we have to book a place somewhere else for some actual private time.) It doesn't feel like "work" to him, but to some I guess it could be construed as work. And it does take actual work for him to earn the money in order to do that. :funny:

But yeah, it doesn't have to feel like "work" but all relationships obviously take some effort...
Yeah this is kinda what I was talking about with that question I posted last week. To some people, this would be a lot of work and at some point the question has to be asked if all the time and effort being spent is actually worth it.

[Anita18]

Yeah this is kinda what I was talking about with that question I posted last week. To some people, this would be a lot of work and at some point the question has to be asked if all the time and effort being spent is actually worth it.
Yeah it really depends on the person and the couple in question. My bf usually spends his weekends vegging out and he isn't super-thrilled about being with his parents 24/7, so spending a weekend with me is a treat. :funny: And the flight isn't long, only an hour. He can book them pretty last-minute if need be, and since he's saving lots of money on rent, a short jaunt down south once or twice a month doesn't break the bank. If it was a cross-country 6-hr flight each time...yeah that's a pain. :funny:

Besides, we're a well-established couple and prior to his moving up, we were living together. We've also spent extensive time with each other's families. So it was pretty much a no-brainer. I mean, compared to breaking up and spending a lot more time and effort finding someone else to date. Cause we're pretty much losers at that. :funny:

I mean, all that is really an individual decision. If you want to break up with your SO because you're moving away, that's your decision to make. If you want to try the LDR thing, there's nothing wrong with that either.

[Optimus_Prime_]

My bf and I live 300 miles apart. He usually takes time out of his weekend to fly down and see me every few weeks. (He lives with his parents so if I flew up, we have to book a place somewhere else for some actual private time.) It doesn't feel like "work" to him, but to some I guess it could be construed as work. And it does take actual work for him to earn the money in order to do that. :funny:

But yeah, it doesn't have to feel like "work" but all relationships obviously take some effort...
I wouldn't call it work, but this just seems ridiculous to me. That's not to say I couldn't understand circumstances that might lead this to happen, I've seen it first hand (kind of). I mean I'm sure if I love someone...blah blah blah...it doesn't seem like work, I'd walk five thousand miles. It's just that it would be torture. I take proximity into account usually anyways. 300 miles, yeah I'd start wandering for more immediate gratification. I would crave spontaneity and excitement too much. Seems like such a relationship would be somewhat scheduled.

[Anita18]

I wouldn't call it work, but this just seems ridiculous to me. That's not to say I couldn't understand circumstances that might lead this to happen, I've seen it first hand (kind of). I mean I'm sure if I love someone...blah blah blah...it doesn't seem like work, I'd walk five thousand miles. It's just that it would be torture. I take proximity into account usually anyways. 300 miles, yeah I'd start wandering for more immediate gratification. I would crave spontaneity and excitement too much. Seems like such a relationship would be somewhat scheduled.
I know a couple who high school sweethearts and went to college in different states. Like, two time zones. They only saw each other during school breaks. They made it work - they're married now and just had twins. My situation is pretty easy compared to theirs. At least we're in the same time zone. :funny:

Obviously it's a no-go if you have a strong sex drive and you aren't aiming for a long-term relationship to begin with. :funny: With me and my college friend, we want to make our respective relationships work so we're making it work. We'd been dating our bfs for at least two years before being separated, so obviously we were in it for the long haul. I dunno, it isn't particularly hard for me. My dad used to be away for months on business trips and my mom never worried, so I'm used to seeing it. And I'm not worried my bf will cheat or anything - we're happy with each other.

We have some spontaneity. Meaning, we usually don't have plans for what to do when he gets here. :oldrazz: But I'm usually terrible at time management and I find that I manage my time better knowing that I only have a weekend to spend with him instead of taking him for granted, like I was doing when we were living together. So that's something I'm learning from all this. :funny:

[SpideyVille]

You know what sucks, and I'm not saying that I feel like this about anyone at the moment, but I have felt like this much too often in the past. But basically when you like someone or may even be in a relationship with them, but feel like you can't live without them to the point where you would do whatever it took to keep them in your life.

Is that a normal feeling to have regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship with a person, or is it just a sign of weakness and emotion taking over?

[bullets]

That's basically obsession and not a good thing.


I'm finding the pof forums amusing. All these woman being cheated on and asking what to do. It's like they are waiting for one person to say everything's ok and give them an excuse to stay with the person.

[Anita18]

You know what sucks, and I'm not saying that I feel like this about anyone at the moment, but I have felt like this much too often in the past. But basically when you like someone or may even be in a relationship with them, but feel like you can't live without them to the point where you would do whatever it took to keep them in your life.

Is that a normal feeling to have regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship with a person, or is it just a sign of weakness and emotion taking over?
I'd say that's fairly normal for someone in an actual relationship, but creepy if you're not. I mean, if the other person doesn't know the extent of your feelings for them, trying to keep them in your life no matter what is borderline stalkerish.

And when one person in the relationship wants out, IMO it's not a relationship anymore so one should obviously back off and not try to keep them in their lives no matter what. :o

Being in a relationship means opening yourself up and being able to trust someone. That's not weakness. The advice that SuperMike and Optimus give are mostly for the initial attraction, but you can't play the arms-length tease forever. (Well, some people can, but I don't think they'd last long in a marriage. :funny: ) Especially not if you go long-term and have these logistical issues come up like me and my bf. Or school in different states, whichever.

Don't get me wrong, we CHOOSE to stay together and see each other in this manner. Our relationship doesn't validate who we are as individuals, I think that's something you learn being in this whole relationship thing. The desperation that you describe - that's not love, that's infatuation. That's a world you build for yourself with walls around, keeping out the reality of what you have. Or not have, if the other person doesn't reciprocate your feelings.

Love IMO is having no walls, accepting the other person as whole and real, and knowing that the other person is there to hold your hand when you need it.

[AndThePickles]

I wouldn't call it work, but this just seems ridiculous to me. That's not to say I couldn't understand circumstances that might lead this to happen, I've seen it first hand (kind of). I mean I'm sure if I love someone...blah blah blah...it doesn't seem like work, I'd walk five thousand miles. It's just that it would be torture. I take proximity into account usually anyways. 300 miles, yeah I'd start wandering for more immediate gratification. I would crave spontaneity and excitement too much. Seems like such a relationship would be somewhat scheduled.

Long distance is definitely hard. Spoons and I made our relationship work while having to be long distance for years, and it was extremely difficult. If we hadn't dated for a couple of years WITHOUT the distance first, I couldn't have done it. It takes a lot of patience and commitment, and it's painful to be separate from the person you love. If for any reason he and I ever broke up, I would never do distance again. I will say, however, that the payoff of finally getting to live together is extra wonderful in the end.

[hopefuldreamer]

I have the same view. I think people often forget you don't love just one person in your life, you may love several. Sex is not necessary for love either. Frankly, my Mom and Dad are two people I love way more than anyone I've slept with or thought of sleeping with.

Definitely.

This guy who feels like my soul mate is my best friend, but it doesn't have to be sexual to be 'love'.

I'm actually writing a novel loosely based on our friendship (though it's also a fantasy novel), and I know I'd struggle to get it published because they'd want the story to end with the characters falling into romantic love.

But relationships aren't always about that.

Sometimes it's just a deep connection with someone.


I was with in a relationship with a girl who was like my soul mate. We just always seemed to know what the other was thinking also. I had to move and broke it off though. A couple years later I fell in love with another woman and we had a great relationship but I had some issues and wound up ruining it.
So I was happy with both but I've only had that feeling of being completely in love once. I think anything after that comes with a bit of skepticism and you can never reach that point again.

That's kind of why I think it's easier to identify non romantic soul mates.

When your 'in love' you have such intense feelings that are similar to the 'soul mate' feeling. But you can look back and cleary see that wasn't the case.

[hopefuldreamer]

I'd say that's fairly normal for someone in an actual relationship, but creepy if you're not. I mean, if the other person doesn't know the extent of your feelings for them, trying to keep them in your life no matter what is borderline stalkerish.

And when one person in the relationship wants out, IMO it's not a relationship anymore so one should obviously back off and not try to keep them in their lives no matter what. :o

Yeah... That all just sounds like me :hehe:

When I was younger and I was in unrequited 'love', I did everything I could to stay in his life. Which took a lot of hard work to go from 'girl with awkward crush on me' to 'best friend'... But I'm good at stuff like that.

And my relationship with my ex is only over because he cheated on me with men... I mean, THAT you can't move past :p

But honestly, I don't know what else would have stopped me being madly in love with him. It definitely forecfully shut down my crazy 'love' brain that literally felt I couldn't loose him. I mean, people TOLD me and I wouldn't believe them, I was absolutely insane with love at that time.

Personally though, I think that kind of love is an addiction. The relationship wasn't a great one to begin with, but I needed my 'fix' to be happy, and I'd sacrifice a lot (including my own self respect and principals) to get it.

I haven't felt like that since though. It was incredibly unhealthy to loose control that much.

I've grown so much emotionally, and sometimes I think it's in a good way, but other times I think it's sad.

Like i'm not as passionate anymore or something. More cynical, less trusting, and there is a a fort around my heart.

I guess that's just growing up though :)

[Erzengel]

My bf and I live 300 miles apart. He usually takes time out of his weekend to fly down and see me every few weeks. (He lives with his parents so if I flew up, we have to book a place somewhere else for some actual private time.) It doesn't feel like "work" to him, but to some I guess it could be construed as work. And it does take actual work for him to earn the money in order to do that. :funny:

But yeah, it doesn't have to feel like "work" but all relationships obviously take some effort...
For some reason I thought, you 2 lived in the same area. :huh:

So in a month's time, how often do you see each other?

I wouldn't call it work, but this just seems ridiculous to me. That's not to say I couldn't understand circumstances that might lead this to happen, I've seen it first hand (kind of). I mean I'm sure if I love someone...blah blah blah...it doesn't seem like work, I'd walk five thousand miles. It's just that it would be torture. I take proximity into account usually anyways. 300 miles, yeah I'd start wandering for more immediate gratification. I would crave spontaneity and excitement too much. Seems like such a relationship would be somewhat scheduled.

When I was in college, I was dating someone who went to school in Pittsburgh. It was a 6 hour drive but the distance became too much and we ended up breaking up.

We are still friends today. But it's funny, they started going into another LD relationship this time with someone who was from Denmark? Norway? I don't remember. But eventually they settled in Pittsburgh, married with a child.

I know another couple who got married even though one was in Europe and the other was in the States and kept the relationship going for 3-4 years. Now married with at least one child.

I think very few people can do that. It is a lot of work and it is hard.

But for it to work, both parties have to be mature in a sense to handle a relationship like this. Also, someone is going to have to eventually move or both move. Lastly, you are going to need money for traveling.

[SpideyVille]

So my friend texted me again last night about the ice skating thing. She said its at 5, but I still don't know where at and my mom told me last night that I have to babysit my brother's kids, which means I won't be able to make it without starting a big argument with my mom. But I really want to go tonight and I still can't use my phone to get back to my friend.

[Erzengel]

You really need to move out.

[SpideyVille]

I know, the worst thing is my mom told me last night that I had to babysit because she wanted to go to church early, and this is the only day she tells me. She can easily wait and go later, but once she hears its for a girl, I know I'll hear hell about it because she thinks its saving her life. And it's also the only night I'll be free since I'll be doing rehearsals for the rest of the week. I'm trying to see if I a friend of mine is free from work so maybe he could stay with the kids for an hour.

[terry78]

You really need to move out.

Get his ass a job.

[Erzengel]

I know, the worst thing is my mom told me last night that I had to babysit because she wanted to go to church early, and this is the only day she tells me. She can easily wait and go later, but once she hears its for a girl, I know I'll hear hell about it because she thinks its saving her life. And it's also the only night I'll be free since I'll be doing rehearsals for the rest of the week. I'm trying to see if I a friend of mine is free from work so maybe he could stay with the kids for an hour.
Well, not just that, your mother is emotionally stunting your growth. It seems if you started dating someone, it doesn't sound like she'd be supportive which could put a strain on any relationship especially since you'd probably still be at home.

Get your s' together.
Find a job.
Move the eff out.
Meet a girl.
Sexy time.
Repeat.

[SpideyVille]

Yeah, I've actually realized that. Like the reason I am the way that I am with pretty much everything, whether its with relationships, drinking, or just going out and being social, its all because I've spent too much time with her. And its like everytime I try to move forward, she does or asks for things that end up holding me back.

Its part of the reason why when I do finally move out, I'm not going to look back. Heck, my sister is in California and still gets grief from my mom because she just started seeing some guy and tries to spend time with him on the weekends when she doesn't have her kids, and my mom gets upset because she doesn't call her back right away. And my sister is 32 years old.

[SuperMike335!!]

That's basically obsession and not a good thing.


I'm finding the pof forums amusing. All these woman being cheated on and asking what to do. It's like they are waiting for one person to say everything's ok and give them an excuse to stay with the person.

That IS exactly what it is.

There is something most women will NEVER admit, but being cheated on does not always cause 100% want to dump.

Sometimes they will dump the guy, but many times they become conflicted, with emotions they could not have predicted, and often some deep competitive instinct kicks in and they will try to hold onto the guy more, rather than leave him.

This also goes for a FWB who does "not want to get knee deep into an exclusive relationship right now".

Which in man terms really means "yeah, I enjoy sex with you, but I also enjoy it with Crystal, Jennifer, Tina and Rachel".

(No Evil)

[SuperMike335!!]

You know what sucks, and I'm not saying that I feel like this about anyone at the moment, but I have felt like this much too often in the past. But basically when you like someone or may even be in a relationship with them, but feel like you can't live without them to the point where you would do whatever it took to keep them in your life.

Is that a normal feeling to have regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship with a person, or is it just a sign of weakness and emotion taking over?

:eek:........ ...... .... That looks scary, like in the creepy way.

If you ever feel this way about a girl, I would highly suggest you not say that to her.

[Anita18]

Yeah... That all just sounds like me :hehe:

When I was younger and I was in unrequited 'love', I did everything I could to stay in his life. Which took a lot of hard work to go from 'girl with awkward crush on me' to 'best friend'... But I'm good at stuff like that.

And my relationship with my ex is only over because he cheated on me with men... I mean, THAT you can't move past :p

But honestly, I don't know what else would have stopped me being madly in love with him. It definitely forecfully shut down my crazy 'love' brain that literally felt I couldn't loose him. I mean, people TOLD me and I wouldn't believe them, I was absolutely insane with love at that time.

Personally though, I think that kind of love is an addiction. The relationship wasn't a great one to begin with, but I needed my 'fix' to be happy, and I'd sacrifice a lot (including my own self respect and principals) to get it.

I haven't felt like that since though. It was incredibly unhealthy to loose control that much.

I've grown so much emotionally, and sometimes I think it's in a good way, but other times I think it's sad.

Like i'm not as passionate anymore or something. More cynical, less trusting, and there is a a fort around my heart.

I guess that's just growing up though :)
Heh, I used to feel that way too. Like it seemed that my current relationship went from, "Well, I like spending time with him" to "CUDDLY!" while skipping the whole infatuation stage. :funny: But nobody says you HAVE to go through that stage.

For some reason I thought, you 2 lived in the same area. :huh:

So in a month's time, how often do you see each other?
Well we were living together but he was running out of money (he was giving the ol' freelance thing a go) and refused to mooch off me. He wanted to find a full-time job in the Bay Area where there was more of them to be had in his field of choice.

It depends on the schedule. Usually it's one weekend every 2-3 weeks. But he just had an entire week off for the holidays and he spent that time with me and my family. :funny:

And you think make-up sex is great, try "I haven't seen you in almost a month" sex. :funny:

But for it to work, both parties have to be mature in a sense to handle a relationship like this. Also, someone is going to have to eventually move or both move. Lastly, you are going to need money for traveling.
Yes to all counts. I'm the one who wants to stay here for now because I'm taking classes and I really want to finish my certificate before quitting my current job and moving in with him. That will take about another year and a half. I'm not dead-set on where I want to go next, and he well, the longest he's ever held down a job at one location was a year and a half. :funny: He has no long-term plans of where to be either. There was no, "I want to settle down here and you have to be with me or else we're breaking up." We're both pretty flexible on that front.

[Erzengel]

I know all about feast or famine in terms of seeing someone like that. :o

But as long as you are working towards a goal as in someone who is going to eventually move, yeah it's hard but it's doable.

I don't envy the other year and a half. I know you say that it's fine and it's not an effort, but many people wouldn't be able to do it. Whether it just the loneliness or the cost or just drifting apart.

[bullets]

That IS exactly what it is.

There is something most women will NEVER admit, but being cheated on does not always cause 100% want to dump.

Sometimes they will dump the guy, but many times they become conflicted, with emotions they could not have predicted, and often some deep competitive instinct kicks in and they will try to hold onto the guy more, rather than leave him.



I know it's hard to walk away from people but sometimes you just have to let it go. I have a friend who is beautiful but she's been with the same guy for several years and he's cheated on her numerous times. I'll find out they broke up but then they get back together. She deserves a lot better but that a*hole is ruining her life.
I can't imagine being in a relationship where someone cheated and being able to look past it.




And you think make-up sex is great, try "I haven't seen you in almost a month" sex. :funny:



That's always good :up: In the military I had "not going to see you for awhile sex" whenever there was a deployment lol.

[Optimus_Prime_]

Long distance is definitely hard. Spoons and I made our relationship work while having to be long distance for years, and it was extremely difficult. If we hadn't dated for a couple of years WITHOUT the distance first, I couldn't have done it. It takes a lot of patience and commitment, and it's painful to be separate from the person you love. If for any reason he and I ever broke up, I would never do distance again. I will say, however, that the payoff of finally getting to live together is extra wonderful in the end.
This is about the only way I can rationalize distance. I have several long distance friendships, and no it doesn't seem like "work", but I knew those people for long stretches of time when they weren't several hundred miles away. There's a certain history there where I won't simply say "okay, bye now".
Definitely.

This guy who feels like my soul mate is my best friend, but it doesn't have to be sexual to be 'love'.

I'm actually writing a novel loosely based on our friendship (though it's also a fantasy novel), and I know I'd struggle to get it published because they'd want the story to end with the characters falling into romantic love.

But relationships aren't always about that.

Sometimes it's just a deep connection with someone.
For me, the 'friend zone' is a myth that exists in the mind of people who probably feel the most comfortable around the cast of The Big Bang Theory. Even though I notice some posters snicker when I say they compartmentalize things, it's not some big word I just throw around. Friends sometimes, perhaps more than sometimes, have sex. People who are madly in love with each other sometimes wait years to have sex. People who absolutely hate each other sometimes f*** too. I even read a study once that I think said that 68% of people have had sex with someone they disliked (beforehand). People who believe the 'friend zone' exists, really believe the notion of friendship is divorced from the notion of sex or romantic love. Essentially if the 'friend zone' really existed you'd either love someone and f*** them, or you wouldn't love them.

This is nonsense.

There is a girl right now in India who I am not f***ing. Not because we wouldn't be attracted to each other, but because she's in f***ing India. This person is purely hypothetical, but the point is there are lots of things that may hinder attraction or love from turning into sex. Geographical boundaries are definitely one obvious factor. Your history with that person could be another.

[SpideyVille]

I'd say that's fairly normal for someone in an actual relationship, but creepy if you're not. I mean, if the other person doesn't know the extent of your feelings for them, trying to keep them in your life no matter what is borderline stalkerish.
Well like I've looked back at the girls that I've liked, and the ones that I felt closest too and liked the most, I realized I had a fear of losing them at some point once I was "sure" of my feelings for them, even if we were just friends. I guess it has something to do with my fear of abandonment and the fact that I've never managed to have any kind of close relationship/friendship with someone for too long.

But I guess the easy solution for this is to not put all my eggs in one basket.
Don't get me wrong, we CHOOSE to stay together and see each other in this manner. Our relationship doesn't validate who we are as individuals, I think that's something you learn being in this whole relationship thing. The desperation that you describe - that's not love, that's infatuation. That's a world you build for yourself with walls around, keeping out the reality of what you have. Or not have, if the other person doesn't reciprocate your feelings.

Love IMO is having no walls, accepting the other person as whole and real, and knowing that the other person is there to hold your hand when you need it.That makes sense. I think one of my biggest problems has always been putting a lot of stock in something small, simply because its more than Ive ever had. In some cases I'd make it more than what it is because I just really wish it was at that level.

Yeah... That all just sounds like me :hehe:

When I was younger and I was in unrequited 'love', I did everything I could to stay in his life. Which took a lot of hard work to go from 'girl with awkward crush on me' to 'best friend'... But I'm good at stuff like that.


Personally though, I think that kind of love is an addiction. The relationship wasn't a great one to begin with, but I needed my 'fix' to be happy, and I'd sacrifice a lot (including my own self respect and principals) to get it.

I haven't felt like that since though. It was incredibly unhealthy to loose control that much.

I've grown so much emotionally, and sometimes I think it's in a good way, but other times I think it's sad.

Like i'm not as passionate anymore or something. More cynical, less trusting, and there is a a fort around my heart.

I guess that's just growing up though :)
Yeah I completely understand this. Like I've always been considered a hopeless romantic. But I've realized in the past year that even though I've learned from my mistake and feel wiser and more mature, I don't have that same fire. I don't know if its because I haven't found anyone who I think is worth the trouble, or if I just don't trust anyone enough to go through all the trouble.

[SuperMike335!!]

Well like I've looked back at the girls that I've liked, and the ones that I felt closest too and liked the most, I realized I had a fear of losing them at some point once I was "sure" of my feelings for them, even if we were just friends. I guess it has something to do with my fear of abandonment and the fact that I've never managed to have any kind of close relationship/friendship with someone for too long.

But I guess the easy solution for this is to not put all my eggs in one basket.
That makes sense. I think one of my biggest problems has always been putting a lot of stock in something small, simply because its more than Ive ever had. In some cases I'd make it more than what it is because I just really wish it was at that level.

Yeah I completely understand this. Like I've always been considered a hopeless romantic. But I've realized in the past year that even though I've learned from my mistake and feel wiser and more mature, I don't have that same fire. I don't know if its because I haven't found anyone who I think is worth the trouble, or if I just don't trust anyone enough to go through all the trouble.

No, it because you need to:


Get your s' together.
Find a job.
Move the eff out.
Meet a girl.
Sexy time.
Repeat.

In THAT order too.

You are an adult right? Not a teenager? Can you grow a beard?

Obviously if you are still in high school living at home does not rob you of your dignity, but once you are an adult, the longer you live with mommy the longer you remain celibate.

Don't go trying to meet a girl so you can move in with her in order to move out either, be your own independent MAN.

Do you have some ambitions? Goals you are working toward? What do you want to have/accomplish by age 30? Are you making real headway in that direction?

If you are in university, then is there some way you can move out? Live in a Dorm, work and go to school? Get an apartment?

Heck, join the Military if you got no other options.

All of the suggestions I and Optimus, and a few others have given you are GOOD advice, BUT they cannot do as much good if you are living at home.
I think it helps if someone actually wants to ask a relationship/dating question if they give some more background info.

Things like:
Living situation
Job
Interests
Height
Build
Can you grow a beard?

All of that stuff does relate to your love life in some way. The thing you should not ever change about yourself is your Interests and ambitions. Those I consider sacred to the "self", and I’m nerd at heart (look where I am posting this on superherohype after all) but I still had to take steps to become what I wanted to be in all other areas, and to get where I wanted in life.

Nobody ever accomplishes anything without taking risks, without putting themselves in uncomfortable situations. Nobody succeeds without failures alone the way. Nobody ever got anywhere waiting for opportunities to come to them.

You’re life is what YOU make it, and you are not immortal, so you better get moving.

Find out what you want to do, and who you want to be. How do you want your body to look? What kind of clothes do you want to wear? What kind of house do you want to live in? What will it look like? What will you do for a living?

The first step is knowing what you want in life. Do you?

You will have much better success with women when you are either accomplished OR on your way to making accomplishments.

When you are living at home with your mom bossing you around you turn into Norman Bates. Something tells me you want to be something else.

[The Boy Scout]

People always say that but I'm under the firm belief that if they're the right one, there shouldn't be any work at all.

I disagree. I don't think any worthwhile relationship will just "work" all the time.

I most definitely believe in fate/destiny...

I don't believe in either of those things, but I'm also not entirely sure if I believe in coincidence or not.

As far as relationships go, I don't know though. The reason I originally asked is because I've been thinking about this one particular girl lately. This particular girl, for lack of a better term, was my first love and my first heartbreak. We never actually got officially together at any point but the feelings were there for both of us. We were teenagers when we first met so obviously we were both dumb and acted in ways we wouldn't as adults. Anyway, we've kept in contact over the years off and on and every time we see each other, it's just impossible to not feel that connection. I've been with my fair share of women over the years and I haven't been able to bring myself to enter into a serious relationship with any of them (save for one but that was put to a halt by her moving to California) and yet, almost 9 years later, I still think about and have an immense desire for that girl. And I'm fairly certain she feels the same way. I text her last month asking if she was going back home for xmas because I was debating whether or not I wanted to and her reply was, "Yes, I will definitely be there. YOU SHOULD COME!" And after we hung out and we were hugging goodbye, her hug was definitely not a "ok, see ya later" hug. Like she squeezed tight and held on for a while as if she didn't want to leave. I'm sure there would've been some kissing too, but we were in front of a group of people.

So now I'm just thinking to myself, what do I do with that? This has been the only girl I've known that I would feel comfortable saying I love and absolutely want to be with. Even the girls I've dated that I thought were pretty cool I've thought, "she's nice, but I definitely wouldn't think twice about cheating on her". But we live a thousand miles apart and if I move, it's in the other direction. I would never sacrifice my lifestyle/career to move back to the midwest. And of course that could even be a moot point; I mean, I'm roughly 99% sure she feels the same way but we haven't had that discussion. So what, is this the girl that I'm meant to be with? Or do I just let her go and carry on with my jaded/cynical way of sleeping with random women and never getting attached while holding out the possibility that I might someday meet someone else that I could find that connection with?

I just proposed the idea to her of coming down to visit on spring break (she's been saying she really wants to visit) and she "liked" my comment on facebook so I think that could happen. If it does, I guess I'll take that opportunity to sort all this **** out.

I think you should just go for it and tell her how you feel. Even solid rejection is better than endless wondering and wishing.

Yeah, I admit the handling of that situation was all wrong. The big issue for me was that her friend didn't want to be set up with anyone so we were trying to set up something so that she could at least see me first and if I made an impression, then we would take it from there. We were also supposed to go out as a group so I could talk to her some more but that never happened. It was my fault for rushing things so that they could work out before comic con, but either way it was all for naught since she didn't even go.

But my whole point was that some people wouldn't even go through the trouble of going to the store or even go out with their friends to meet someone.


Yeah the same thing happened to me last year with the girl I liked. I sat across from her all semester and at the end of the semester when we finally started talking, she told me she had a huge crush on me for the longest. I actually thought she hated me since she would never pass any handouts to me.

Dude...I think you should just wake up one day and flirt with the first attractive stranger you see. Don't worry about rejection or anything. Just be yourself and try to have a good time. If you get a number, great. If not, you'll still be happy, because you actually had the balls to talk to a girl.

[Anita18]

That's always good :up: In the military I had "not going to see you for awhile sex" whenever there was a deployment lol.
Yeah working 300 miles away and seeing each other every few weeks is FAR more preferable than being deployed. At least I know my bf is not being shot at!

One of my classmates last semester had a bf who was a Marine. She quite cheerily said, "He's coming back from deployment in a couple weeks! It went fine, he only almost died once!" I was like, "Girl...you are even more optimistic than I am, and that's saying something!" :lmao:

Well like I've looked back at the girls that I've liked, and the ones that I felt closest too and liked the most, I realized I had a fear of losing them at some point once I was "sure" of my feelings for them, even if we were just friends. I guess it has something to do with my fear of abandonment and the fact that I've never managed to have any kind of close relationship/friendship with someone for too long.

But I guess the easy solution for this is to not put all my eggs in one basket.
Yup. There really are more fish in the sea. If this one didn't like you or didn't work out, there's bound to be someone out there who will.

That makes sense. I think one of my biggest problems has always been putting a lot of stock in something small, simply because its more than Ive ever had. In some cases I'd make it more than what it is because I just really wish it was at that level.
Yeah that's what my bf did for me - he was my "first" for a lot of things but he didn't make a big deal out of it. It was pretty much "We really like each other and feel comfortable, so this is something that we do because we can be that intimate." It really felt quite natural.

All of the suggestions I and Optimus, and a few others have given you are GOOD advice, BUT they cannot do as much good if you are living at home.
Especially with the domineering mother.

My bf is living at home only to save money (and it's a crapload of money considering how much apartments go for up in San Francisco), but he is very much his own person and his mom doesn't dictate his life. (Well, sometimes she asks him to spend time with his aging grandpa and then you're just a douche if you refuse. :funny: ) My best friend did the same thing before marrying her bf. That's the only way an adult can live with his/her parents with dignity, IMO.

If you're old enough to make your own decisions and you want to dictate what you do with your own life, the very first step is getting out of your parents' thumb. That doesn't mean being a brat and living under their roof rent-free without helping. That means physically getting out so you have no obligation to owe them anything.

It's frightening how many parents my mom knows (mostly Asian), who want to keep tabs on their adult kids 24/7. "I'll buy them a house so they can always have income managing it and renting it out!" Uh, your kid's in HS, what if they don't want to be a friggin' landlord? Or live where you bought them that house? Scary, I say, and not all of them are unstable like SpideyVille's mom. Sometimes I think they spent so much money on their kid's schooling and general parenting that they want to control everything to make sure they got a good "return" on their investment. :dry:

[Optimus_Prime_]

You know what sucks, and I'm not saying that I feel like this about anyone at the moment, but I have felt like this much too often in the past. But basically when you like someone or may even be in a relationship with them, but feel like you can't live without them to the point where you would do whatever it took to keep them in your life.

Is that a normal feeling to have regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship with a person, or is it just a sign of weakness and emotion taking over?
It's a normal feeling. It's very normal in fact, but at certain point you have to realize it's pretty meaningless unless that person feels the same way. I also think, personally, it's an easy feeling to replicate. You shouldn't be impressed by the fact that someone would spend time with you or be attracted to you. It's also not a weakness, although comic books do like to advertise that covering up and bottling your emotions is healthy behavior (in fact, it's basically what every superhero does).

Just don't turn it into a bunch of angsty sh**. You don't have to suffer because you're lusting after someone. You can lust after someone and turn it into a fun experience

[SuperSoldier985]

I signed up at two more online dating sites..

I seem to be a favorite of the hoodrat variety.. :p

[bullets]

Yeah working 300 miles away and seeing each other every few weeks is FAR more preferable than being deployed. At least I know my bf is not being shot at!

One of my classmates last semester had a bf who was a Marine. She quite cheerily said, "He's coming back from deployment in a couple weeks! It went fine, he only almost died once!" I was like, "Girl...you are even more optimistic than I am, and that's saying something!" :lmao:



I would always carry on with my girlfriend at the time as if nothing could happen. I'd joke about dying from heat exhaustion in the desert but that was the extent. So that way it never got too depressing when I wrote or called. I spent a year in Iraq and she told me "never again" when I got back, lol. ... Unfortunately the relationship fell apart over the next few months and I moved back home without her.


I signed up at two more online dating sites..

I seem to be a favorite of the hoodrat variety.. :p


I get messages from some ugly women but try not to be rude. I usually tell them I'm there to read the forums. I got a message from some obese girl . Her profile pic was her laying on a bed with a sourpuss on her face :barf: I told her to change her profile pic and then I had to block her because she kept messaging me . I thought she was trolling at first , I couldn't believe it.

[Anita18]

I get messages from some ugly women but try not to be rude. I usually tell them I'm there to read the forums. I got a message from some obese girl . Her profile pic was her laying on a bed with a sourpuss on her face :barf: I told her to change her profile pic and then I had to block her because she kept messaging me . I thought she was trolling at first , I couldn't believe it.
If I'm not interested I usually don't bother replying. I mean, I was going into PoF every like, two weeks anyway. They'd probably forgotten about messaging me. :o

I did get one guy who kept on messaging me going, "Why haven't you replied? You're really missing out you know!" so I blocked him. :awesome:

[LOBO3315a]

Sorry about that Anita, I won't do that again.

[Hound55]

Sorry about that Anita, I won't do that again.
Quoted so you can read the apology...













...and because every joke should be played up to a little more.

[Thebumwhowalks]

I'm am starting to think I should just avoid relationships for the time being, go back to being a crazy vodka swillin' pot smokin/eatin street wanderer, meeting random people and fighting crime where it may cross my path on my days off.
I would join a monesary, but I have a funny shaped head. Anyway, I definitely think there would be a big pharmacutical market for penis pills that , y'know, take all the sexual desire out of your penis, just to take time off from the whole deal. Unless, they already sell those kinds of pills, if they do I would appreciate a link. this is not a joke post, hook me up if such pills exist please.
I don't know, is God alright with me living like this on my days off? Or whoever says what goes? Any priests on the forum? link please.

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I signed up at two more online dating sites..

I seem to be a favorite of the hoodrat variety.. :p

On POF, I'm a favorite of the fatty variety. :(

(I'm not talking the kinda cute, still pull it off and look good type either. :()

[Erzengel]

I'm am starting to think I should just avoid relationships for the time being, go back to being a crazy vodka swillin' pot smokin/eatin street wanderer, meeting random people and fighting crime where it may cross my path on my days off.
I would join a monesary, but I have a funny shaped head. Anyway, I definitely think there would be a big pharmacutical market for penis pills that , y'know, take all the sexual desire out of your penis, just to take time off from the whole deal. Unless, they already sell those kinds of pills, if they do I would appreciate a link. this is not a joke post, hook me up if such pills exist please.
I don't know, is God alright with me living like this on my days off? Or whoever says what goes? Any priests on the forum? link please.
I'm not sure you ever mentioned it, but how long were you with the last person you dated?

[SuperMike335!!]

I'm am starting to think I should just avoid relationships for the time being, go back to being a crazy vodka swillin' pot smokin/eatin street wanderer, meeting random people and fighting crime where it may cross my path on my days off.
I would join a monesary, but I have a funny shaped head. Anyway, I definitely think there would be a big pharmacutical market for penis pills that , y'know, take all the sexual desire out of your penis, just to take time off from the whole deal. Unless, they already sell those kinds of pills, if they do I would appreciate a link. this is not a joke post, hook me up if such pills exist please.
I don't know, is God alright with me living like this on my days off? Or whoever says what goes? Any priests on the forum? link please.



You want to know how to shut off your sex drive?

That is Easy, birth control pills.

http://img809.imageshack.us/img809/2117/pillmayaffectlifespan.jpg

They will shut down a males sex drive very quickly.

Type E2 Oestrogen, Estradiol, will signal your brain to stop producing LH and FSH, and then your testes stop producing testosterone until the LH and FSH signal is turned back on.

Your skin will get soft, and you may be more emotional, but your penis will not be bothering you with any ideas.

[Erzengel]

And rely on your brain to do the thinking?

What kind of effed up idea is that? :huh:

[SuperMike335!!]

On POF, I'm a favorite of the fatty variety. :(

(I'm not talking the kinda cute, still pull it off and look good type either. :()

LOL, ok, I've seen quite a few posts here with guys lamenting about getting e-mails from obese women, but not thinner ones.

Basic human sexual market. Those females who are less physically desirable do not get as many e-mails as the pretty ones.

The result is the ones who get less attention are going to have to go out an message guys themselves, that is all it is. They send lots of men massages.

Pretty girls do NOT have to send out as many e-mails, as they are busy sorting over all the e-mails they get sent every day. They are busy picking and choosing from men who send them messages, they don't have to send them.

This means that 9/10 of the random e-mails you get from a woman will be less attractive, weather it be having an extra 50 pounds, ugly face, or being a single mom.

Ladies, don't kill the messenger, I didn't make the cruel rules of the human mating market, I just observe and report. If you think you can explain it better go ahead.

[SuperMike335!!]

And rely on your brain to do the thinking?

What kind of effed up idea is that? :huh:

Well, it looks like his penis and his brain are not getting along too well, they both want different things. The brain end was asked what he could do to make it shut up.

Now if you are the other way around, and you think you should listen to your penis more, then the hromone of choice is my personal favorite:

http://img684.imageshack.us/img684/8228/220pxdepotestosterone20.jpg

This stuff will turn our Penis into a Sith Lord with powerful mind control ability.

[amazingfantasy15]

On POF, I'm a favorite of the fatty variety. :(

(I'm not talking the kinda cute, still pull it off and look good type either. :()

I know Anita met her boyfriend on POF and that's great. However, I'm still a believer in "You get what you pay for".

[The Squirrel]

I've paid for eharmony before and I got nothing.

[steintym]

Anyone try one of those Ashley Madison or Cougar dating sites? Maybe gain a little knowledge and confidence from the experience with an older woman.

:awesome:

[Anita18]

You want to know how to shut off your sex drive?

That is Easy, birth control pills.

http://img809.imageshack.us/img809/2117/pillmayaffectlifespan.jpg

They will shut down a males sex drive very quickly.

Type E2 Oestrogen, Estradiol, will signal your brain to stop producing LH and FSH, and then your testes stop producing testosterone until the LH and FSH signal is turned back on.

Your skin will get soft, and you may be more emotional, but your penis will not be bothering you with any ideas.
For women, a typical side effect is also bigger boobs. Dubious that's an improvement for guys though. :o

I know Anita met her boyfriend on POF and that's great. However, I'm still a believer in "You get what you pay for".
And I messaged him first too. :awesome: (He disagrees, but I'm always right on these things. :hehe: )

Well, it takes patience. Some of you guys have been there less than a week. It took me three years to find him and countless weeding out of messages. I didn't whine or complain about getting ugly guys, I just kept going. You guys frankly don't have any real battle scars to complain about yet!

It's like the old saying: fast/cheap/good, pick two. :oldrazz:

[Erzengel]

I'm not one of the most patient people around but 3 years on a dating site? :huh:

I'd expect to be on date like within 2-3 months of joining and actively pursuing something.

[amazingfantasy15]

For women, a typical side effect is also bigger boobs. Dubious that's an improvement for guys though. :o

And I messaged him first too. :awesome: (He disagrees, but I'm always right on these things. :hehe: )

Well, it takes patience. Some of you guys have been there less than a week. It took me three years to find him and countless weeding out of messages. I didn't whine or complain about getting ugly guys, I just kept going. You guys frankly don't have any real battle scars to complain about yet!

It's like the old saying: fast/cheap/good, pick two. :oldrazz:

My girlfriend messaged me first. Didn't take three years though, I think it was more like 5 months, with a number of dates before that. I actually think my ex-girlfriend was the one that messaged me first also during my first go around on eHarmony, I know I met her at around the two month mark.

[Anita18]

I'm not one of the most patient people around but 3 years on a dating site? :huh:

I'd expect to be on date like within 2-3 months of joining and actively pursuing something.
LOL of course I'd been on other dates before I met my bf. It's just that they didn't go anywhere. :oldrazz:

It is what it is, I'm not one to go whining about my lot in life if I don't get what I want right away. Besides, this was all after my Craigslist personals ad fiasco (with 1000 responses and about 5 dates with no bf), so I had already accepted I was a weirdo of the very rare variety (nobody really knows what to do with an introverted girl who stutters) and needed to find someone equally rare who would accept me for me. It wasn't like I was waiting for fireworks to go off at our first meeting and love at first sight. My standards were admittedly set pretty low - just accept me, and you have a good shot. :funny:

[bullets]

I'm not one of the most patient people around but 3 years on a dating site? :huh:

I'd expect to be on date like within 2-3 months of joining and actively pursuing something.


It usually doesn't take that long to find a date. However on POF some people claim to have spoken to a person in chats for months before setting up a date. I think if you don't have a phone number by the third message it's time to move on. Unless you find someone long distance which is kind of odd to begin with.


Anyone try one of those Ashley Madison or Cougar dating sites? Maybe gain a little knowledge and confidence from the experience with an older woman.

:awesome:

Or find myself a sugar mama :awesome::up:

[Erzengel]

I agree that one shouldn't give up after a few bad experiences or things not happening right away on a dating site.

I do believe there is something like AF said about getting what you pay for and that pay sites where people have to invest money and for the most part are looking for someone are probably in general better than say craigslist. I'd rather not have to sift through 1,000 responses.

[Anita18]

I agree that one shouldn't give up after a few bad experiences or things not happening right away on a dating site.

I do believe there is something like AF said about getting what you pay for and that pay sites where people have to invest money and for the most part are looking for someone are probably in general better than say craigslist. I'd rather not have to sift through 1,000 responses.
Oh, I did it on a complete lark and I have no intention of doing it again. :funny:

Most of the messages revived my faith in the male species though. My ad didn't have any cleavage photos, or boast about how hot I was. It was all about how geeky I am. And I probably got 20x more responses in that week than the average CL chick. :funny: (I was actually pleasantly surprised too that I only got 3-5 penis pictures. :funny: ) So what if it didn't work out in the end, I definitely didn't come out of it thinking that guys were pigs. I just hadn't found my guy yet.

[amazingfantasy15]

It usually doesn't take that long to find a date. However on POF some people claim to have spoken to a person in chats for months before setting up a date. I think if you don't have a phone number by the third message it's time to move on. Unless you find someone long distance which is kind of odd to begin with.

Or find myself a sugar mama :awesome::up:

This happens on all dating sites I'm sure, both people are too scared to move the relationship offline and keep exchanging emails. I always found that to be ridiculous and not what a dating site is for, which is just to introduce you to people you wouldn't normally meet. Exchange a couple emails to generate an initiate interest but make sure to take things offline as soon as possible. Also, I'd suggest even if you're not super attracted physically to a girl right away if there's something in the profile that stands out personality wise it never hurts to respond if she emails you. If nothing else it's good practice, just make sure things are casual. I went out with some girls I wasn't super attracted to physically, but responded and went out with them anyway, always had a good time and hoped they did, never went past a first date, but that's okay.

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Well, it takes patience. Some of you guys have been there less than a week. It took me three years to find him and countless weeding out of messages. I didn't whine or complain about getting ugly guys, I just kept going. You guys frankly don't have any real battle scars to complain about yet!

It's like the old saying: fast/cheap/good, pick two. :oldrazz:

I've had a profile on POF for the better part of 2 or 3 years. Granted, I didn't set it up, a female friend of mine did, but I figured if it was up, I'd go and update it, and check up with the messages and stuff.

SuperMike, that's actually a good point.

[SuperMike335!!]

LOL of course I'd been on other dates before I met my bf. It's just that they didn't go anywhere. :oldrazz:

It is what it is, I'm not one to go whining about my lot in life if I don't get what I want right away. Besides, this was all after my Craigslist personals ad fiasco (with 1000 responses and about 5 dates with no bf), so I had already accepted I was a weirdo of the very rare variety (nobody really knows what to do with an introverted girl who stutters) and needed to find someone equally rare who would accept me for me. It wasn't like I was waiting for fireworks to go off at our first meeting and love at first sight. My standards were admittedly set pretty low - just accept me, and you have a good shot. :funny:

You're saying you had to go through 1000 guys just to get one to accept you?

For women, a typical side effect is also bigger boobs. Dubious that's an improvement for guys though. :o


I never said side effect free. :cwink: