John Doe

[Slushy]

Jason Statham as John Doe
Jessica Alba as Jane
Gary Oldman as British
Tyler Mane as Right Hand Man
Tyrese Gibson as The Token Black Guy

SPOILERS!

- John's boss is an assh*le.

- John is even more an of an assh*le, but that makes him SO COOL!

- John likes to smoke and wear black sunglasses.

- This is the "last" job for John Doe because he wants to get out of his profession and start a new life.

- The main villain is British whose main goal to make the most money.

- John always goes against orders.

- John's drug deal ends badly.

- British wants John and those close to him dead.

- A close friend, who is a social outcast and the source of information, betrays John out of fear and profit.

- John survives an assassination attempt.

- John's out looking for revenge for the death of his wife / girlfriend / family / best friend.

- British has Right Hand Man who is physically tall and huge, but doesn't talk.

- Other than Right Hand Man, John is taller than everybody else.

- John doesn't remember much of his past.

- John finds his new female love interest, Jane, with ease in a crowd of 20,000 people.

- Jane is wearing make-up at all times. AT ALL TIMES!

- John and Jane have a love scene and become soulmates instantly.

- Jane gets kidnapped.

- John's cellphone has no signal.

- John's car won't start when he needs it the most.

- There's a bad guy hiding in the backseat of John's car.

- John can jumpstart and drive any vehicle he gets into.

- There's no traffic jam during a car chase through the city.

- John escapes from the police no matter what.

- Henchmen's bullets alway miss hitting John.

- British always runs faster.

- British disappears after a large vehicle passes by.

- A random kid knows more than John does.

- Tyrese makes his cameo appearance.

- John eventually finds out where British's lair is at.

- John fits into any clothes he steals.

- John can pick any lock with his credit card.

- John's handgun can shoot off locks, blow up cars, and never runs out of bullets.

- John can defeat a dozen goons in combat all by himself because he's the world's greatest brawler / martial artist and break the laws of physics.

- John is computer illiterate then becomes expert hacker in record time.

- British brags about his plans after John gets captured.

- Aliens are involved and want to conquer Earth.

- John gets the sh** beat out of him yet shows no injuries or heals quickly.

- John unbinds himself no problem.

- John gets stronger by taking off his shirt.

- John kills Right Hand Man by breaking his neck.

- John slides under large automatic door at the last minute.

- John has fight scene with British.

- John loses his gun.

- British is about to kill John by shooting him, but gets killed instead by another shooter (revealed to be Jane) just as he's about to pull the trigger.

- It turns out British pretended to be dead. John kills him by knocking him off the building followed by one liner.

- Explosions. Lots and lots of explosions including a final one inside British's hideout which destroys it. John and Jane immediately jump forward in slow motion.

- John buries the hatchet with his ex-wife.

- John was a horrible person, but redeems himself.

- John dies at the end.

- Actually, he doesn't. The twist was it was all a dream.

- John drives off with Jane to Parts Unknown in his expensive car.