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Old 12-12-2011, 09:53 AM   #51
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Everyone at the same time

Son Of A *****

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Old 12-12-2011, 03:37 PM   #52
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Jerry: Get a haircut! You look like a girl!

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Old 12-13-2011, 02:07 PM   #53
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Contrary to popular belief, Jerry Jones' grandson was actually facepalming because he'd just realized he was wearing a Felix Jones jersey.

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Old 12-13-2011, 02:34 PM   #54
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"I would cry, but I can't. My last facelift put my tear ducts inside my ear canal."

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Old 12-29-2011, 05:52 PM   #55
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2010



"Damn... everybody keeps making fun of my unibrow. I try to shave it off but it just keeps coming back. If only I could grow a thick beard to detract from it. But I just don't have the testosterone. Maybe... maybe I could get a hair transplant! Yeah! Maybe they could take my brow-stache and give me a bro-stache!

2011



"Much better."

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Old 12-29-2011, 06:01 PM   #56
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People can say what they want, but I think the handlebar makes Flacco look like a bad ass in a Hulk Hogan + Die hard redneck's love child type of way.

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Old 12-29-2011, 06:11 PM   #57
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"Dude, your O-line is being shredded worse than Adrian Peterson's knee...too soon?"

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Old 12-29-2011, 06:13 PM   #58
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People can say what they want, but I think the handlebar makes Flacco look like a bad ass in a Hulk Hogan + Die hard redneck's love child type of way.
He looks like Freddie Mercury to me. Now granted, Freddie Mercury was awesome, but I never exactly thought "badass" when I saw him.

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Old 01-05-2012, 11:37 PM   #59
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Ben: Hey, Mark. Good game, man.

Mark: You too, Ben. How's life?

Ben: Oh, not bad. I'll tell ya though, once you've been accused of rape, people won't stop giving you crap about it. How did get people to shut up when it happened to you?

Mark: Well, if you need to get your rape on, ya gotta do it when you're in college. Because if you're the star QB, the university, the cops, they'll all take your word as bond and help you cover it up. It might make some local news, but it gets buried quickly because the national spotlight is never on college quarterbacks. And of course, all the coeds still want you just the same.

Ben: Ah, I see.

Mark: See, you're problem was, you were accused once you were already famous. Hell, you were a two-time Super Bowl winner! The media just eats that sh** up. When it happened to me, it was way before anyone outside of California even knew who I was. And even if it happened now, it probably wouldn't catch that much attention because we're not coming off a Super Bowl win.

Ben: Well, yeah. Plus, you kinda suck.

Mark: There's that too.

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Old 01-05-2012, 11:56 PM   #60
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Coach Mora.....any thoughts on a possible Green Lantern II?





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Plus, is the infatuation that teenage girls have with pseudo-vampires any less sad than your infatuation with men in spandex and Heath Ledger? Its probably more justifiable for them. :)
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Old 01-06-2012, 01:36 PM   #61
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Week 13


Week 14


Week 15


Week 16


Week 17

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Old 01-07-2012, 03:49 AM   #62
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"I'm sure there's a playoff win up there somewhere... I'll find it if I just keep digging."

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Old 01-07-2012, 04:04 AM   #63
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"Well, that was fast. Figures. What a bunch of f***ing morons. If Cutler didn't have a brain the size of a grain of sand, we would have made the playoffs. But of course, the idiot gets hurt and now I get tossed out on my ass. It's so simple! 14-step drop from the 33-yard line, hand-off to the RB, who hands off on a reverse to the WR, he laterals back to the QB who throws a forward pass the to TE to pick up 15 yards, at which time the TE then laterals to RB, who runs for another 17.5 yards and takes a knee on the half-yard line to give us a fresh set of downs so we can drain the clock before a quadruple reverse on third down for a score, plus a two-point conversion via a halfback option, followed by an onside kick. Why can't these juiced-up idiots grasp such simple concepts?"

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Old 02-02-2012, 11:43 PM   #64
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O Lord...
Ooh, You are so big...
So absolutely huge.
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and...
And barefaced flattery.
But You are so strong and, well, just so super.
Fantastic.
Amen.

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Old 10-03-2012, 09:32 AM   #65
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Bumping this thread since the new season is well underway and since my most recent Gruden parody fell victim to being one of the last posts on a page before a new one began...


Monday Night Showdown at the OK Jerral





Gruden: Well, I'll tell ya Mike, this game tonight should be one heck of a shootout because we've got two gunslingers here about to give us a show, DEEP DOWN IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!!! This kid Jay Cutler, he's Clint Eastwood. He's tough, he's got an attitude, and he even talks to a chair in the locker room before every game. He's just like Clint in The Outlaw Josie and the Pussycats. When you shoot him, he just gets right back up, pulls the stove lid out from under his poncho and kicks the living crap out of Mad Dog Tannen. He doesn't give up, he just gets MAD. He gets ANGRY. He looks you deep in the eyes and says, "YOU'VE GOT TO ASK YOURSELF ONE QUESTION: 'DO I FEEL LUCKY?' WELL, DO YA, PUNK? SWEAR TO MEEE!!! MAMA'S NOT THE LAW! I'M THE LAW!!!!"




Tirico: Umm, actually John, I think you're getting your references mixed up...



Gruden: I'll tell ya, this kid Cutler just never gives up and refuses to go down! He's had to deal with some terrible O-Line play over the years and he still just gets back up, grits his teeth, fires his Colt .45 and doesn't complain, EVER. Just look at his performance in the NFC Championship Game a few years back. The Bears might have lost that game, but Cutler fought 'til the bitter end in that one!



Tirico: Well, actually John, he...



Gruden: AND THEN ON THE OTHER SIDE YOU'VE GOT TONY ROMO, AND HE'S JOHN WAYNE! There's no quarterback who is better at drawing down at high noon. He's just like John Wayne in Sands of Iwo Genghis, wearing an eyepatch and taking down the man who shot Liberty Valance. He'll shoot you down, strut his manly glutes around town and let the good people know that justice has arrived and it's safe to walk the streets again. We mustn't forget that it was only last year that Tony Romo broke 17 ribs, tore his Achilles and suffered a gunshot wound to his left knee and still came back to beat the 49ers, who were unquestionably the best team in the league last year. I'll tell ya, Mike, that defense is the epitome of toughness. It's almost like the 85 Bears and the Steel Curtain got drunk one night and the Niners defense was the result of their copulation. But Romo stood tall in the pocket and delivered. The Cowboys can't win without John Wayne Romo... they're nothing when he's not on the field.

I'll tell ya Mike, I can't wait until Eastwood and Wayne draw down on each other tonight and fire off those six shooters! It's going to be an old fashioned Wild West shootout that would make Wyatt Wingfoot and Doc Hollywood proud. RIGHT HERE IN THE HEART OF TEXAS! YEEEEEEEEEEHAAWWWWWWWW!!!!



Tirico:... Well, it's time to take a break. But when we come back, Bears/Cowboys. F*** my life.

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