Originally Posted by SuperMike335!!
Alright… Here GOES.
So, I saw the Hobbit the other night with my friend Knobby on Friday. Now being the wupped self he was, he brings with his Morbidly obese girlfriend. Knobby is sort of a quiet fellow you see, he hurt his knee in a Rugby game 4 years ago, and has not been them same since, even though he is about 6’5" and 300 pound man mountain. So, he’s been dating this complexion challenged Manatee for a while now. She’s like the Emperor from Star wars, but uglier due to the massive facial acne and dark whiskers growing out of a mole that might as well be a conjoined twin. Having her with us is painful. Its like seeing your friend having his gonads ruptured in slow motion by a leviathan from the Barrier.
So anyway, me and Knobby was all stuck in one of those "what do you wanna do?", "Dur I dunno, what do you wanna do?", convos, when I suggested we see a movie about midgets. Now, Knobby is a nice fellow, but he loves nothing more than giggling about "lil’ folks, so he was sold. That’s when Ursula the sea witch called him up and threatened to wither his soul or some **** if he did not drive over to her likely condemned dwelling place and pic her up.
We get there and load her in the side door, and after an impressive effort we got the vehicle to begin rolling. It was cold out, and the engine has some trouble, specially with the three of us heavyweights on board.
Now we get to the theatre, and there was this cute girl working the concessions, and to get her number I had to pretend to not be with Knobby, not because of him, but the creature from the Succubus lagoon.
So we load into the packed theatre, and found a spot for three near the highest railing in the theatre room. Got sorta dizzy looking down.
We see the other trailers and then finally, it is JUST THERE. The Man of Steel trailer in all its epicness. The Audience is Silent, and I just utter one little phrase. "I’m so glad they cast henry Cavill". That was all it took, and Ursula the sociopath Manatee stood her rottenness up, getting right in front of me, causing me to miss the trailer. It was like she was using her girth to blot out the sun. She screams in my face "**** YOU! YOU must have KNOWN I had a Crush on Brandon since the last one and its fan’s like YOU demanding a reboot that I’ll NEVER get a sequel!!!!" She now had the theatres entire attention, as she went insane on me. I was in shock, like a dear in headlights, not knowing what to say, and she reached forth her sausage like fingers and grabbed my throat, her bloated form starting to smoother me. I looked like a guy out on the surface of Mars with no air flailing in aggony beneath the Ogre's clutches.
I rolled my eyes toward Knobby who was in just as much shock seeing his wicked giantess girlfriend attempting to Murder his only reach Pal. She had already ruined the trailer for the whole theatre, the crazed fan attempting to crush my windpipe. She sneered at Knobby "Don’t you dare ****ing move or I swear I’ll dump you right here, leaving you forever and Incel!"
Then it happened. Knobby snapped like Darth Vader on the Emperor. With inhuman strength he hoisted the living mountain of zits into the air and cast her down over the railing. We could hear her frothing curses until she landed into what looked like a trash dumpster at the bottom. She likely survived and skulked away but its now over between her and Knobby.
I took him out to the lobby, and with his newfound confidence we went out clubbing, and he got numbers from 3 hot babes, all of whom agreed that Henry Cavill is sexy, when he showed them on his smart phone.
Later we snuck back into the theatre, and watched the trailer, uninterrupted by any sociopath SR fans. The whole theatre Cheered for a second time, and Knobby giggled in delight at the Hobbits. Particularly the heavy set fellow. It was a great night. One to be remembered in all Middle Earth.