CAP Alert

[Elijya]

Over the past few years, the CAP Alert website has brought me volumes of entertainment. For those of you not familiar with it, CAP Alert (which stands for Childcare Action Program) is a Christian website that evaluates movies based on what the bible says is bad. Now, in theory, that’s not such a bad idea, but the humor comes in with the absolutely delusional fundamentalism of the man who runs the site (who is also a vicious anti-gay activist, on the side). You cannot help but laugh as he insists over and over again about the supposed scientific validity of his completely bull**** system.

You can’t help but crack up when someone considers the fact that “the hate mail has slowed to a trickle” as a major victory.

But now, oh no, it seems the website is in trouble! Seems the author relies on donations to keep the funds going, and for some reason, people just aren’t opening their pockets to his miracle system like they used to anymore. And so, unfortunately new movies are not reviewed unless someone pays to fund the review of something specific.

How much does it take to do a “review”? Why, site owner Tom Carder will do a certified (by himself) Christian review of the film of your choice for a mere $350! What a bargain! Now, you may be skeptical and may ask “Are you ****ing nuts, Tom? You go to the movies and count the number of times someone says “****”! Movie ticket is $10, $20 with popcorn and a drink.” Oh, but the process is so much more involved. Read how the complicated test Tom invented is worth your $350 http://www.capalert.com/whatdoesittake.htm

So now you see how your money is justified. For a mere $350, Tom will count every punch, every curse word, every nipple, every buttcrack, every lie about evolution, every magic spell, and every dirty slimy homosexual FOR YOU, so you can make the choice of slapping down $10 to go see it yourself a little easier.

Although, personally I don’t think Tom is strict enough, since he doesn’t call the costuming department of every film to see if people wore mixed fibers on set.




Frankly, I CHEER every time he gives a film a “zero”. Thus far, only 4 movies have been badass enough to earn this ranking: Freddy vs Jason, Scary Movie, American Psycho, and Sin City (who would have thought? )


Here’s the full list of reviews if you feel like a good laugh
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/index.htm

[Golgo-13]

What a pathetic thread; By an even more pathetic individual.

[Darthphere]

Doesnt that make you even more pathetic?

[Kevin Roegele]

Originally Posted by Golgo13:The Hitman

What a pathetic thread; By an even more pathetic individual.

LMAO

[DACrowe]

I love thissite for entertainment. When there is anything pollitically incorrect, crude, overly violent, immensly entertaining or just plain old open-minded and thought-provoking and tolerant, I go to this site to watch them swat it down with their fundamentalist babble from the Middle Ages. Well I used to, it gets old after a few months and then I noticed he wasn't getting enough funds and was stopping.

So wow, $350 a pop eh? Well a movie costs $5.75 for matinee or less (which he would see as he doesn't want to be out at dark) so he should be able to review himself. $350 to see a movie. What a greedy sob.

Hilarious!

[Elijya]

Originally Posted by Golgo13:The Hitman

What a pathetic thread, by an even more pathetic individual.

so... you're mad at me because I thought you were christian?

[DACrowe]

I just skimmed a few reviews, I recomend the Kingdom of Heaven review. I know not many liked it (though I did) but what he says about "tolerance" is hilarious. He justifies being a bigot every chance he gets.

Hilarious!

[WarBlade]

From: http://www.capalert.com/whatdoesittake.htm

Typically, the local theater manager lets me view the film without charge since this is a nonprofit Christian ministry. But only the local theater manager.

After all forms (five) are opened and organized, the data gathered and identifying information must be input into the CAP analysis computer model which uses more than 30 mathematical operations/equations per report to generate the scoring distribution.

So you pay $350 dollars (extortion) to have some twerp get into a movie for free (theft) and sit there with his flashlight (disturbing the peace) making tallies on pieces of paper while other people are trying enjoy a movie? (Haha)

Ha! I only need one sheet of paper when I do screen tests!

Seriously though, if I saw that going on in the crowd, he'd be hauled out of there pronto.

[terry78]

Haha...Amityville Horror got a negative score.

[Elijya]

Originally Posted by terry78

Haha...Amityville Horror got a negative score.

No it didn't, you're looking at the wrong number. The 1979 version got a 36, the 2005 version got a 13.

[Golgo-13]

Originally Posted by Darthphere

Doesnt that make you even more pathetic?

For what? Look at what the threads about? Or answering such an idiotic question as yours?

[Elijya]

dude, are you on the rag or something?

[HR-PUFF&STUFF]

"The idea of people without Word-based ethics having access to the button makes me glad we have a Christian President."

[Elijya]

wtf does that even mean?

[HR-PUFF&STUFF]

Originally Posted by Elijya

wtf does that even mean?

Equilibrium

[The Question]

Man, this guy HATED Dogma. As in, how a white supremicists father feels about his daughter's black boyfriend hatred. Just because the guys behind Dogma had somewhat thought provoking and open minded veiws on religion, this guy says they're going to burn in hell for not being good little Christian automotons.



Also, when reading his reveiws on the X-men movies, he said that Mystique was naked, and was far more "indecently exposed" than anyone at publuc beaches. She was wearing way more than what most people wear to public beaches these days.

[CrimsonMist]

Originally Posted by The Question

Man, this guy HATED Dogma. As in, how a white supremicists father feels about his daughter's black boyfriend hatred. Just because the guys behind Dogma had somewhat thought provoking and open minded veiws on religion, this guy says they're going to burn in hell for not being good little Christian automotons.

sounds like my uncle when i told him about Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter.

if a movie makes fun of Jesus, or portays him in a humorous way, and same goes for God, the people who thought of it are mindless morons, who God wont forgive.

but me on the other hand, anything that involves Jesus using Kung Fu moves to dispatch of athiests and God speaking to Jesus through an ice cream cone is the funniest thing ever.

[Golgo-13]

Originally Posted by Elijya

dude, are you on the rag or something?

No i just like ragging on the likes of you.

[Darthphere]

Wow, your attempt at being clever amazes me.

[The Question]

Originally Posted by CrimsonMist

sounds like my uncle when i told him about Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter.

if a movie makes fun of Jesus, or portays him in a humorous way, and same goes for God, the people who thought of it are mindless morons, who God wont forgive.

but me on the other hand, anything that involves Jesus using Kung Fu moves to dispatch of athiests and God speaking to Jesus through an ice cream cone is the funniest thing ever.

Wow. I really need to see Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. Sounds fun. Oh, and have you ever read battle pope? It's a comic set in a post apokoliptik world where the Pope is a gun toting sword weilding superhero, and Jesus is his hippy stoner side kick.

[Elijya]

Originally Posted by HR-PUFF&STUFF

Equilibrium

ugh

and look, what a hypocrite

"To begin this, I must tell you that due to scheduling conflicts, I had to leave 75 minutes after the start of Equilibrium which is claimed to be a 107 movie. I will share with you what I was able to gather. "

yes, I'm sure leaving before the film ended really lends credit to the "scientific accuracy" of your system you keep promoting

[The Question]

Have you read his reveiw of the X-men movies? He said that the X-men got their powes from the devil, and that Nightcrawler was delightfulkly un-PC. What was un-PC about Nightcrawler?

[Elijya]

it's unPC not to be a white christian american

[Golgo-13]

Originally Posted by Darthphere

Wow, your attempt at being clever amazes me.

[The Question]

Originally Posted by Elijya

it's unPC not to be a white christian american

Yeah, but this guys said that Nightcrawler's beiong Christian was refreshing and delightfully un-PC. What I want to know is, what was un-PC abpout Nightcrawler being Christian?