The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[Lobo]

Seeing as a friend of mine met her fiancée, and another friend met his the girl he's been dating for awhile on PoF I just signed up. Wish me luck lol

[Anita18]

Originally Posted by Lobo

Seeing as a friend of mine met her fiancée, and another friend met his the girl he's been dating for awhile on PoF I just signed up. Wish me luck lol

And me too.

Have patience, the good ones will be in the pile with the weird/crazy ones.

[WillardNation]

But what if you ARE the weird/crazy one?

[Anita18]

Originally Posted by WillardNation

But what if you ARE the weird/crazy one?

We're all weird and crazy in our own way, we just need to find someone on the same level of crazy.

[Anubis]

Every Bonnie needs her Clyde.

[Godzilla2000]

Originally Posted by Anita18

We're all weird and crazy in our own way, we just need to find someone on the same level of crazy.

Or finding someone that has an open mind for people who just do things differently than the flock minded, acceptance addicted people.

Anyways, what do I have to say to people, mainly sex addicts, to get them to realize that my libido is fine, I just do things differently? It's really bothering me an awful lot that people can't accept what makes me feel comfortable. I've been pretty blunt, as you all know, that I don't believe in the concept of Friends with Benefits at all. I don't believe in Free Love, I'm not a flower child hippy. I'm either in love with someone or I'm not, there's no in between with me. I'm getting too old for this kind of behavior anyway. I'm ready for a real, marriage worthy relationship, not something disposable. The right guy I can fully connect with will see a side of me I don't show to those aforementioned sex addicts, because for me I have to be in love with the man I'm with to give myself to him completely. I have a secret garden that only the right man who can be my equal in all aspects can earn the right to see.

[munchie64]

Ok, don't know if anyone here wants to deal with the insignificant relationship exploits of a high schooler, but I'll hit you up anyway:
I've finally built up the guts to ask this girl I like out and plan to do so asap. That part isn't the problem... It's the actual asking. See in my limited relationship experience, both parties have been mutual in feelings. That is to say that I've never really had to ask someone "out" before, it's always just kind of happened. Not this time.
What I want to know is, when I go up to her, and physically talk to her, what do I say to effectively communicate I want a relationship without sounding pushy? I'm completely prepared for rejection, but what if she says yes? All I can think about is two people awkwardly standing there, not knowing what to say. Is that the time I ask her out on a date? Do I just say it's cool that she said yes and scuttle away? Am I asking too many questions to get the point across that I have no idea how to ask someone out?
Anyway, any help in this department would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou.

[Thebumwhowalks]

Originally Posted by Godzilla2000

I have a secret garden that only the right man who can be my equal in all aspects can earn the right to see.

That is your all time best quote.

[Schlosser85]

Everyone is weird in different ways.

"Normal" is an entirely subjective term and has no real meaning at all.

[Erzengel]

Originally Posted by munchie64

Ok, don't know if anyone here wants to deal with the insignificant relationship exploits of a high schooler, but I'll hit you up anyway:
I've finally built up the guts to ask this girl I like out and plan to do so asap. That part isn't the problem... It's the actual asking. See in my limited relationship experience, both parties have been mutual in feelings. That is to say that I've never really had to ask someone "out" before, it's always just kind of happened. Not this time.
What I want to know is, when I go up to her, and physically talk to her, what do I say to effectively communicate I want a relationship without sounding pushy? I'm completely prepared for rejection, but what if she says yes? All I can think about is two people awkwardly standing there, not knowing what to say. Is that the time I ask her out on a date? Do I just say it's cool that she said yes and scuttle away? Am I asking too many questions to get the point across that I have no idea how to ask someone out?
Anyway, any help in this department would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou.

Well, asking someone out and asking someone to be in relationship is 2 different things all together.

Start with the former first and it doesn't have to to be during an awkward silence. Steer the conversation that way. She mentions that she loves this mexican place off of Main St. Tell her you'll take her there. If she says, hey I want to watch the Avengers, tell her you'll take her there.

I know how awkward, hard it is to ask people out in high school. Just remember no matter how bad it goes, it's high school. Years from now, it'll be a humorous story OR a growing experience.

Don't put so much stock into it. Just next time you two are together. Just ask. Remember it's not the end of the world.

[munchie64]

Originally Posted by Erzengel

Well, asking someone out and asking someone to be in relationship is 2 different things all together.

Start with the former first and it doesn't have to to be during an awkward silence. Steer the conversation that way. She mentions that she loves this mexican place off of Main St. Tell her you'll take her there. If she says, hey I want to watch the Avengers, tell her you'll take her there.

I know how awkward, hard it is to ask people out in high school. Just remember no matter how bad it goes, it's high school. Years from now, it'll be a humorous story OR a growing experience.

Don't put so much stock into it. Just next time you two are together. Just ask. Remember it's not the end of the world.

Thankyou very much, will take this into consideration.

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Originally Posted by Erzengel

Well, asking someone out and asking someone to be in relationship is 2 different things all together.

Start with the former first and it doesn't have to to be during an awkward silence. Steer the conversation that way. She mentions that she loves this mexican place off of Main St. Tell her you'll take her there. If she says, hey I want to watch the Avengers, tell her you'll take her there.

I know how awkward, hard it is to ask people out in high school. Just remember no matter how bad it goes, it's high school. Years from now, it'll be a humorous story OR a growing experience.

Don't put so much stock into it. Just next time you two are together. Just ask. Remember it's not the end of the world.

In highschool (and the first year or so of college it must be said) it's absolutely terrifying to ask a girl out that you like. I used to lower my standards because I thought some chick was too good for me. And then I'd find out later I missed an opportunity because she liked me too, but now it was too late because I had sold myself short. It's true what you said. The stuff you worry about back then is ridiculous, and I definitely wish I could go back and make my past self lighten up and not be so stiff or anxious. The worst that can happen isn't even that bad. She'll say no. So friggin' what?

[Anubis]

She could also say, "Ew, why would I go out with you?" Then laugh, and her friends laugh, then some big dude picks you up and throws you in the garbage can for being a loser....then you have to walk around all day with pizza sauce on your left ass check.

[munchie64]

Originally Posted by Anubis

She could also say, "Ew, why would I go out with you?" Then laugh, and her friends laugh, then some big dude picks you up and throws you in the garbage can for being a loser....then you have to walk around all day with pizza sauce on your left ass check.

I was gonna say there were no really big guys in my school, but it wouldn't take much for someone to throw my skinny ass body.

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Originally Posted by JJJ's Ulcer

In highschool (and the first year or so of college it must be said) it's absolutely terrifying to ask a girl out that you like. I used to lower my standards because I thought some chick was too good for me. And then I'd find out later I missed an opportunity because she liked me too, but now it was too late because I had sold myself short. It's true what you said. The stuff you worry about back then is ridiculous, and I definitely wish I could go back and make my past self lighten up and not be so stiff or anxious. The worst that can happen isn't even that bad. She'll say no. So friggin' what?

So true. All the girls that I maybe missed out on cuz I waited too long.

[StrainedEyes]

Just over a month ago my wife (together 7 years, married 2) told me she didn't love me anymore, didn't see a future with me, didn't want to attempt any reconciling, moved out, and gave me divorce papers all in the span of about a week.

The whole thing was extremely shocking and even after going over our whole relationship in my head, sure we had some communication problems and we kind of settled into an un-exciting rut, but there is no way things were bad enough that she would've had to leave the way she did, giving us no chance to fix what was wrong. She isn't cheating on me, but she has some child-grown emotional issues that she is still struggling with that amplified all of this.

I'm still very devastated by all of it, and she's cut off all contact making things that much worse and strange.

She was my high school 'sweetheart', so this is actually the first break up I've ever been through. Add dealing with that to dealing with the life altering effects of a divorce and I've had a fairly ****** month.

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Dude sorry. A year ago, my fiancé and I broke up after 3 years together. I went through months of hell. I can only assume what you're going through is even worse. I will say this though; as terrible and painful as it was, today I'm glad it happened. I met a new girl who I'm much more compatible with. If I had married my ex-fiancé it would have been a mistake in the long run. Maybe this is a time for you to rediscover who you are and what you want. It might be different than what you've told yourself the last few years. Hope that doesn't sound glib. Good luck. It gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better.

[Anubis]

Chances are, she already met somebody if she was already hell bent on moving on.

I could try and come up with some psychological crap, that could help you better understand what could have lead up to her suddenly wanting to end the relationship. About how you probably just missed the signs. But I think you just need a guy to say what a guy should say in this sorta situation.....ahem...."She was a total b***h. You don't need her. You can do waaaay better than that skank anyway. Now, lets go get wasted and get you laid."

That last part you'll have to do on your own I'm afraid.

You'll get past it eventually. Keep on keepin' on and all that.

[The Guard]

Just over a month ago my wife (together 7 years, married 2) told me she didn't love me anymore, didn't see a future with me, didn't want to attempt any reconciling, moved out, and gave me divorce papers all in the span of about a week.

The whole thing was extremely shocking and even after going over our whole relationship in my head, sure we had some communication problems and we kind of settled into an un-exciting rut, but there is no way things were bad enough that she would've had to leave the way she did, giving us no chance to fix what ewas wrong. She isn't cheating on me, but she has some child-grown emotional issues that she is still struggling with that amplified all of this.

I'm still very devastated by all of it, and she's cut off all contact making things that much worse and strange.

She was my high school 'sweetheart', so this is actually the first break up I've ever been through. Add dealing with that to dealing with the life altering effects of a divorce and I've had a fairly ****** month.

I'm really sorry to hear that. That's awful. I'm sure she has her reasons, but it sounds like a fairly immature, impulsive and hurtful way for her to handle your situation. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I had a somewhat similar situation this time last year. Was with a woman who was my "college sweetheart" for ten years, married for about three. We'd had some ongoing relationship issues and she decided she didn't want to be married enough to work at it, and left me to move in with someone else, who she's now about to marry.

What kind of child-grown issues are you referring to?

Everyone responds to break ups a little differently, but it really helped me to focus on myself. I took time to get in touch with myself and what I wanted, in both myself and women, which turned out to be a lot different than what I had and what she wanted, and to make myself a more rounded person. A year later, I'm with someone new, doing more fulfilling things, and I'm better off and happier than I've ever been. Turns out most of the romantic cliches can be true.

[StrainedEyes]

Originally Posted by The Guard

What kind of child-grown issues are you referring to?

Without going into too much personal detail, it centers around a lot of emotional abuse, from her father mostly. So that things like, if I was ever frustrated about something or annoyed, she was legitimately afraid that I was angry with her and would hate her. She can not handle disappointment very well, and she's also suffered from depression since her mom died in her early teens.

I've been depressed for a few years now, since graduating college, mainly because of not finding a steady job, an insane amount of student debt that I collected getting a degree in something I feel I can't do anymore, etc.. And seeing me depressed was really hard for her, and my decision not to go to a therapist really bothered her (I really was just depressed about not finding work and feeling like a burden to her, I was on the path to getting a job just before she divorced me and things were getting better).

But really, whatever laundry list of issues I can come up with could have all been worked on and through if she wanted to try and struggle through things with me, but she doesn't. Which is what it all really comes down to.

[Anita18]

Originally Posted by Anubis

Chances are, she already met somebody if she was already hell bent on moving on.

I could try and come up with some psychological crap, that could help you better understand what could have lead up to her suddenly wanting to end the relationship. About how you probably just missed the signs. But I think you just need a guy to say what a guy should say in this sorta situation.....ahem...."She was a total b***h. You don't need her. You can do waaaay better than that skank anyway. Now, lets go get wasted and get you laid."

That last part you'll have to do on your own I'm afraid.

You'll get past it eventually. Keep on keepin' on and all that.

I agree. Or else you both had some serious ongoing emotional issues she just didn't want to deal with anymore.

Originally Posted by StrainedEyes

Without going into too much personal detail, it centers around a lot of emotional abuse, from her father mostly. So that things like, if I was ever frustrated about something or annoyed, she was legitimately afraid that I was angry with her and would hate her. She can not handle disappointment very well, and she's also suffered from depression since her mom died in her early teens.

I've been depressed for a few years now, since graduating college, mainly because of not finding a steady job, an insane amount of student debt that I collected getting a degree in something I feel I can't do anymore, etc.. And seeing me depressed was really hard for her, and my decision not to go to a therapist really bothered her (I really was just depressed about not finding work and feeling like a burden to her, I was on the path to getting a job just before she divorced me and things were getting better).

But really, whatever laundry list of issues I can come up with could have all been worked on and through if she wanted to try and struggle through things with me, but she doesn't. Which is what it all really comes down to.

Sounds similar to what my coworker went through. His gf of almost 10 years recently left him. Or rather, they agreed to go their separate ways since they were literally married and had to split possessions, which happened amicably. But she initiated it. I'm not sure of the details, but my coworker suffers from anxiety and depression. Every few months, he would tell her he wasn't sure of the status of their relationship. The relationship went on for 9 years regardless, but after a lot of drama on his part this past year, I guess she decided she couldn't take it anymore. I can understand that, if your partner tells you he doesn't really want to be with you, repeatedly. I'm not sure if I would stay either.

Now he realizes he want her back, but of course she isn't having any of it. She still cares about him, but doesn't want to be with him. But his reluctance to cut off contact with her is doing a number on him.

So it's your belief that you could work out your problems, but it's obvious she didn't believe that.

[L.A.]

Seriously this is the greaTest night ever! Not only did the clippers came back from 27 and win but the most important happened! My new girl said yes! So happy!

[Anita18]

Originally Posted by L.A.

Seriously this is the greaTest night ever! Not only did the clippers came back from 27 and win but the most important happened! My new girl said yes! So happy!

Hopefully the question wasn't matrimonially related.

...or was it?

[The Guard]

Without going into too much personal detail, it centers around a lot of emotional abuse, from her father mostly. So that things like, if I was ever frustrated about something or annoyed, she was legitimately afraid that I was angry with her and would hate her. She can not handle disappointment very well, and she's also suffered from depression since her mom died in her early teens.

I understand completely. That kind of thing can be very hard for someone to overcome, and can wreak havoc on a relationship. There are plenty of people out there with emotional/childhood issues that have healthy relationships, but also many who don't. And dealing with anxiety and/or depression can make it twice as hard to have a healthy, happy relationship.

I've been depressed for a few years now, since graduating college, mainly because of not finding a steady job, an insane amount of student debt that I collected getting a degree in something I feel I can't do anymore, etc.. And seeing me depressed was really hard for her, and my decision not to go to a therapist really bothered her (I really was just depressed about not finding work and feeling like a burden to her, I was on the path to getting a job just before she divorced me and things were getting better).

It sounds like your depression was situational more than chemical, and it can be frustrating when someone or both partners are depressed. Something like that can really drag down both of you, and when both of you are depressed or unhappy, the relationship becomes a bit of a vicious cycle. Are you still on the path to getting a job?

But really, whatever laundry list of issues I can come up with could have all been worked on and through if she wanted to try and struggle through things with me, but she doesn't. Which is what it all really comes down to.

Yes it does. And the fact that you can put it in those terms, and think logically about the situation is a good sign.

[hopefuldreamer]

Question: I'm moving to a city in July and really hoping this new life might include a relationship. What do you think the best way of me meeting someone is?

Should I try and get people I know there to 'set me up'. Should I use POF? Join clubs? Should I just dress up and go to random bars on my own and see if anyone comes up to me

Or should I just see what happens naturally in the first few months.

Originally Posted by StrainedEyes

But really, whatever laundry list of issues I can come up with could have all been worked on and through if she wanted to try and struggle through things with me, but she doesn't. Which is what it all really comes down to.

Unfortunately it is

Have you had a chance to confront her about any of it? You say she's cut off all contact but has she given you ANY 'reason' for giving up on the relationship and why it happened so fast?