Official Relationship Thread: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[knowsbleed]

Originally Posted by Anita18

I'm mostly lazy. The classes and work are not for him. But I DO get lazy time, unlike my coworker who's a full-time grad student and also essentially a single mom with two young kids. She gets absolutely not a single minute to herself anytime during the week! I have it pretty damn good compared to her! At least I have a partner who helps with laundry and is able to feed himself.

Sounds like my life. That's a major part of the reason why a relationship is out of the question for me. I have other priorities and splitting up that time in order to baby a relationship wouldn't be fair to that person nor me. Your partner does sound like he needs to take his head out of the clouds a little bit, though.

[Anita18]

Originally Posted by knowsbleed

Sounds like my life. That's a major part of the reason why a relationship is out of the question for me. I have other priorities and splitting up that time in order to baby a relationship wouldn't be fair to that person nor me. Your partner does sound like he needs to take his head out of the clouds a little bit, though.

Yeah that's rough man. The parents I know with young kids are all frazzled, but the optimist in me says it'll get better. I know my mom is having a lot more fun with us now that we're older and she doesn't actually have to take care of us. She can just do cool stuff with us instead.

Yeah, he's a little unrealistic. Just the kind of personality who always thinks the grass is greener on the other side. At least he's pretty settled in who he is (no showboating for image), and he's a hard worker so I actually don't mind when he quits his job every year. Lucky that he's also working in a fairly lucrative industry so even if he only freelances, he'll probably make enough so that he doesn't end up mooching off me.

[WillardNation]

Originally Posted by Anita18

Hrmph, I guess I finally have a relationship quandary.

So my fiance went on another nearly incoherent rant about how American society is "emotionally and spiritually malnourished" and that he needs to get out of here. Most of it is tl;dr and yes, incoherent, because he was unable to articulate what an emotionally and spiritually fulfilling community would look like when I asked him. But I guess my quandary with all this is, he's constantly unhappy with wherever he lives, and is unable to focus on the good things, only the bad. (Doesn't help that he grew up very sheltered in an upper-middle-class neighborhood, and has only lived in the two most expensive regions in one of the most expensive states in the US...If he can't find any good in either, I'm pretty doubtful he'll find anything redeeming anywhere else!)

I'm trying to figure out how to give him the freedom to rant and maybe even plan to move somewhere else (but certainly not now, when I'm working full-time, taking classes, AND planning the wedding! Or we can move if he does EVERYTHING. ). But I'm afraid that if I enable him, he'll drag us all around the world, moving every 6 months, never finding a place he likes. And I can't handle that, I need SOME stability. I like having healthcare benefits! Grargh.

I don't want him to feel trapped, but the reality of being married is that you have your partner to consider and can't do whatever the eff you want on a whim! (My coworker tries that with her husband. It never works.)

Currently, I think the best I can do to accomodate him is to finish my classes and start networking like crazy, to get my own freelance career off the ground and quit my day job so we have more flexibility. This may involve slightly guilt-tripping him if I have to take 3 classes next semester, on top of working and doing last-minute things for the wedding.

Thoughts?

Only focusing on the bad stuff instead of the good is never going to go away, regardless of where you guys move to. That's a state of mind; there is no perfect spot. Moving around isn't going to ever satisfy him because he'll always hate wherever he is and whatever he's doing.

My opinion is that he needs to work through whatever it is that causes that for him. You should look into the Landmark Forum for him. Or maybe you can both do it. I've done quite a bit of Landmark work and it's helped me greatly in many aspects of my life.

[Optimus_Prime_]

Originally Posted by Anita18

Hrmph, I guess I finally have a relationship quandary.

So my fiance went on another nearly incoherent rant about how American society is "emotionally and spiritually malnourished" and that he needs to get out of here. Most of it is tl;dr and yes, incoherent, because he was unable to articulate what an emotionally and spiritually fulfilling community would look like when I asked him. But I guess my quandary with all this is, he's constantly unhappy with wherever he lives, and is unable to focus on the good things, only the bad. (Doesn't help that he grew up very sheltered in an upper-middle-class neighborhood, and has only lived in the two most expensive regions in one of the most expensive states in the US...If he can't find any good in either, I'm pretty doubtful he'll find anything redeeming anywhere else!)

I'm trying to figure out how to give him the freedom to rant and maybe even plan to move somewhere else (but certainly not now, when I'm working full-time, taking classes, AND planning the wedding! Or we can move if he does EVERYTHING. ). But I'm afraid that if I enable him, he'll drag us all around the world, moving every 6 months, never finding a place he likes. And I can't handle that, I need SOME stability. I like having healthcare benefits! Grargh.

I don't want him to feel trapped, but the reality of being married is that you have your partner to consider and can't do whatever the eff you want on a whim! (My coworker tries that with her husband. It never works.)

Currently, I think the best I can do to accomodate him is to finish my classes and start networking like crazy, to get my own freelance career off the ground and quit my day job so we have more flexibility. This may involve slightly guilt-tripping him if I have to take 3 classes next semester, on top of working and doing last-minute things for the wedding.

Thoughts?

This sounds like me actually. I grew up in upper middle class surroundings and I'm really getting sick of living in America, especially when I know places like Amesterdam, the UK and Italy all share my sensibilities more than most of the United States.

It could be wedding jitters a little. I mean he speaks of 'freedom', which I'm guessing is code for 'I haven't really lived'. That was, more or less as I see it, my problem when I wanted freedom. I felt that I hadn't taken any risks, or tried anything dangerous or exciting, and like you say, that's something you can't really do being married or very firmly attached to someone (assuming they don't do those things/want those things as well).

That's probably what he is going through.

I doubt he'll move any time soon, or even try to. The undertaking of moving to another country can take months and years of planning, but I assume probably more simply he just wants to get out more.

[knowsbleed]

I'd love to live outside of the US permanently. The American mindset is much more closeminded than we like to admit.

Now, to whore myself a little bit... all relationship thread regulars should sign up for a 15 Minutes thread. I'd love to ask you all all sorts of... interesting... questions. I have no doubt that it would be more than highly entertaining for all of us. http://forums.superherohype.com/showthread.php?t=396823

[Erzengel]

Go live in Russia you communists.

[knowsbleed]

I wouldn't have to mailorder my bride... I could just have her delivered, like a pizza.

[Anita18]

Originally Posted by WillardNation

Only focusing on the bad stuff instead of the good is never going to go away, regardless of where you guys move to. That's a state of mind; there is no perfect spot. Moving around isn't going to ever satisfy him because he'll always hate wherever he is and whatever he's doing.

My opinion is that he needs to work through whatever it is that causes that for him. You should look into the Landmark Forum for him. Or maybe you can both do it. I've done quite a bit of Landmark work and it's helped me greatly in many aspects of my life.

Yeah he's trying to meditate and go skateboarding more. He really enjoys skateboarding and if he forgets his board in my car's trunk (I take it to go to work), he's often in a bad mood in the evening. So he does realize that his worldview is not the healthiest, nor happiest way to live. He's working on it, but when your natural state is pessimistic, it's hard to turn that around. I'm a natural optimist.

Also, don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen ALL that often. He's just adamant about his attitude when it does, that I think there might be some real-life ramifications to his ranting.

Originally Posted by Optimus_Prime_

This sounds like me actually. I grew up in upper middle class surroundings and I'm really getting sick of living in America, especially when I know places like Amesterdam, the UK and Italy all share my sensibilities more than most of the United States.

It could be wedding jitters a little. I mean he speaks of 'freedom', which I'm guessing is code for 'I haven't really lived'. That was, more or less as I see it, my problem when I wanted freedom. I felt that I hadn't taken any risks, or tried anything dangerous or exciting, and like you say, that's something you can't really do being married or very firmly attached to someone (assuming they don't do those things/want those things as well).

That's probably what he is going through.

I doubt he'll move any time soon, or even try to. The undertaking of moving to another country can take months and years of planning, but I assume probably more simply he just wants to get out more.

I've been to the UK and Italy. They weren't really all that. Especially Italy, as a woman. Their food and food culture is obviously 100000x better than the US's though. There's always a give and take. I have a very politically-minded friend from France who said that you cannot speak ill of the government there. It's a very very strange thing to think about, considering our freedoms of speech in the US.

He has a friend planning to move to Singapore with his new wife, so I guess we can look to their experience as an example.

I'm not sure if it's wedding jitters. He's had similar rants when we were just dating, and he moved back up to the Bay Area twice during our relationship, so I don't think he necessarily feels trapped anywhere. He's a very low key person now, although he used to be more of a rebellious wild child in his teens. It usually involved arguments with his mother about going out to skateboard or party with his skateboarding friends instead of studying, so...yeah. I don't stop him from skateboarding or partying or drinking, so I guess there's no need to be rebellious?

[Erzengel]

Originally Posted by Anita18

Yeah he's trying to meditate and go skateboarding more. He really enjoys skateboarding and if he forgets his board in my car's trunk (I take it to go to work), he's often in a bad mood in the evening. So he does realize that his worldview is not the healthiest, nor happiest way to live. He's working on it, but when your natural state is pessimistic, it's hard to turn that around. I'm a natural optimist.

Also, don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen ALL that often. He's just adamant about his attitude when it does, that I think there might be some real-life ramifications to his ranting.


I've been to the UK and Italy. They weren't really all that. Especially Italy, as a woman. Their food and food culture is obviously 100000x better than the US's though. There's always a give and take. I have a very politically-minded friend from France who said that you cannot speak ill of the government there. It's a very very strange thing to think about, considering our freedoms of speech in the US.

He has a friend planning to move to Singapore with his new wife, so I guess we can look to their experience as an example.

I'm not sure if it's wedding jitters. He's had similar rants when we were just dating, and he moved back up to the Bay Area twice during our relationship, so I don't think he necessarily feels trapped anywhere. He's a very low key person now, although he used to be more of a rebellious wild child in his teens. It usually involved arguments with his mother about going out to skateboard or party with his skateboarding friends instead of studying, so...yeah. I don't stop him from skateboarding or partying or drinking, so I guess there's no need to be rebellious?

I was a bit of a wild child too. Ripping tags off of mattresses, holding on to library books past their due date, swimming after I already ate.

I'm lucky I found someone who set me straight.

[Anita18]

Originally Posted by Erzengel

I was a bit of a wild child too. Ripping tags off of mattresses, holding on to library books past their due date, swimming after I already ate.

I'm lucky I found someone who set me straight.

Well, he also used some...less than legal substances back in high school. He was certainly wild compared to boring ol' me, but really REALLY not that bad in the big scheme of things. I don't think he has it in him to be super-crazy adventurous.

An older friend of mine has a teenage son who recently got arrested for the second time. So it could have been worse...

[terry78]

Basically moving to a country other than America is cool if you're an 18-49 year old white dude. Even if I moved to Africa I doubt I'd get all open arm welcomed.

[Nave 'Torment']

Originally Posted by Anita18

Ulcers have nothing to do with cancer either. It's very VERY unlikely that it's cancer. Although bleeding ulcers aren't good either, so get it checked if you can. If you get it checked early, they can run down the list of possibilities faster, so cancer can be crossed off the list sooner for you. (It will be at the bottom of the list if you're young.) If that gets your ass to the doctor more quickly.

Stress will often manifest in other strange ways too. My fiance gets really huge pimples when he's stressed. Once he grew two huge ones situated on his forehead, that it looked like he was growing horns.

Sorry if I freaked you out. My friend has been on my mind lately for the past few months, obviously.

Nah that's okay. I actually got it checked the otehr day and yes... ulcers. I guess I hate myself a little coz I know it started when I got too depressed and started skipping meals and running (coz that helped). Ironic how now if I don't eat anything every two-hours my gut starts to burn and ache. It's not just coz of relationship problems obviously, I've been generally down with everything for the past year or more, especially since being stuck in a place I don't want to be stuck in. College is evil.

Originally Posted by Anita18

Hrmph, I guess I finally have a relationship quandary.

So my fiance went on another nearly incoherent rant about how American society is "emotionally and spiritually malnourished" and that he needs to get out of here. Most of it is tl;dr and yes, incoherent, because he was unable to articulate what an emotionally and spiritually fulfilling community would look like when I asked him. But I guess my quandary with all this is, he's constantly unhappy with wherever he lives, and is unable to focus on the good things, only the bad. (Doesn't help that he grew up very sheltered in an upper-middle-class neighborhood, and has only lived in the two most expensive regions in one of the most expensive states in the US...If he can't find any good in either, I'm pretty doubtful he'll find anything redeeming anywhere else!)

I'm trying to figure out how to give him the freedom to rant and maybe even plan to move somewhere else (but certainly not now, when I'm working full-time, taking classes, AND planning the wedding! Or we can move if he does EVERYTHING. ). But I'm afraid that if I enable him, he'll drag us all around the world, moving every 6 months, never finding a place he likes. And I can't handle that, I need SOME stability. I like having healthcare benefits! Grargh.

I don't want him to feel trapped, but the reality of being married is that you have your partner to consider and can't do whatever the eff you want on a whim! (My coworker tries that with her husband. It never works.)

Currently, I think the best I can do to accomodate him is to finish my classes and start networking like crazy, to get my own freelance career off the ground and quit my day job so we have more flexibility. This may involve slightly guilt-tripping him if I have to take 3 classes next semester, on top of working and doing last-minute things for the wedding.

Thoughts?

I think I can relate to your fiance on those points not being content with living where he's at? Feeling that society's "malnourished emotionally" ? Yeah, absolutely

But it really does go back to what you've said here about not being able to "find the right place" because it's just not American "culture" that makes you feel emotionally distant, it's just the way everything is right now. People have their own lives. The only thing someone has to do when feeling like that is figure out his own place at the end of the day where he's content with himself and isn't concerned with the way "people" interfere or interpret him. If that makes any sense.

And, I've had to live around from city to city, country to country, culture to culture throughout my life. Stability was B.S. It messed with my school when I was younger and now I'm just not really concerned with the idea of having to "settle down" anywhere because thanks to my experience "reality" and what is "normal" has always been being on the move, even if it is every 2 or 3 years. And I'm fine with it. But it's kinda important to settle-down. It kinda is important to find your own ground so that you don't let all those "malnourishments" get to you at the end of the day. I'm sure your guy's matured enough to understand that, he probably just needs more time with it.

[Nave 'Torment']

Originally Posted by terry78

Basically moving to a country other than America is cool if you're an 18-49 year old white dude. Even if I moved to Africa I doubt I'd get all open arm welcomed.

Depends on the country my friend. It really depends on the country. Though I wouldn't advice deciding to go abroad for life on whim. There's a reason why it's such an exotic and adventurous idea.

[Nave 'Torment']

On a related note: With pot-head girl... I finally "hung out" with her since she's been so persistent about it that it felt mean not to, then went and had lunch. She seems nice. Kept telling me how I had "bendy fingers" and used that as a way of holding hands. At one point she said how we were on the same "abstract page" but couldn't find the words to articulate it. I said that was a nice place to be in. But she's really the opposite of the kind of person I am so yeah, that's where it should stay.

Oh and she was blushing a lot.

[ComicChick]

Originally Posted by Anita18

Atopy is completely unrelated to cancer, so no need to worry about that. The tumors or whatever in your forearms also will not be pancreatic cancer, by definition. But you should get those checked out...I've heard of cysts and swellings in people's arms, but not allergy-related tumors....

i have one of them in my wrist now. doc thinks its a ganglean (sp?) cyst meh

[Anita18]

Originally Posted by ComicChick

i have one of them in my wrist now. doc thinks its a ganglean (sp?) cyst meh

I had a ganglion cyst when I was a kid, in my left inner wrist. It's harmless, although in the old days they used to smash them with a heavy book. It went away on its own.

[Erzengel]

Originally Posted by Nave 'Torment'

On a related note: With pot-head girl... I finally "hung out" with her since she's been so persistent about it that it felt mean not to, then went and had lunch. She seems nice. Kept telling me how I had "bendy fingers" and used that as a way of holding hands. At one point she said how we were on the same "abstract page" but couldn't find the words to articulate it. I said that was a nice place to be in. But she's really the opposite of the kind of person I am so yeah, that's where it should stay.

Oh and she was blushing a lot.

Seems to be appearing a lot.

Are you not attracted to her?

[Nave 'Torment']

Originally Posted by ComicChick

i have one of them in my wrist now. doc thinks its a ganglean (sp?) cyst meh

Still ought to get it checked though. I was ignoring mine for the longest time until it started to throb, but so far doc just gave me some antibiotics and a good diet to keep things steady. Does yours hurt?

Originally Posted by Erzengel

Seems to be appearing a lot.

Are you not attracted to her?

It's not that, she is attractive and seems interested. But she's really leads the kind of lifestyle that's the opposite of mine, at least at the moment. And I'm also not really looking out to date or go into any sort of relationship right now, there's just too much work that I've got to finish up on my own. I was telling her this in a roundabout way but that only got her more talkative about things.

Worst case scenario, she's probably giving me a chance and I'm too preoccupied with other things to return it... I guess I'm saying that I feel a bit guilty for doing that.

[Erzengel]

Why are you not ready at this moment for a relationship?

[Darthphere]

Because he's young, fun and full of....stuff.

[Anita18]

If Nave was really into her, he'd make the time. It's just that he isn't and feels bad about it, so he's making excuses.

[amazingfantasy15]

Originally Posted by Anita18

If Nave was really into her, he'd make the time. It's just that he isn't and feels bad about it, so he's making excuses.

Yup, this is it. If someone is really interested they'd make time. Hell, my weekly "date night" with my now wife came out of it being the only night during the week in our first few weeks of dating we were availble to see each other.

[WillardNation]

The more I think about it, the more I think my current girlfriend actually played a bigger part in my breaking up with my last girlfriend than I wanted to admit at the time. Subconsciously.

[Anita18]

Originally Posted by WillardNation

The more I think about it, the more I think my current girlfriend actually played a bigger part in my breaking up with my last girlfriend than I wanted to admit at the time. Subconsciously.

All's fair in love and war.

No seriously, it's better not to think about that stuff. Unnecessary baggage.

[WillardNation]

Originally Posted by Anita18

All's fair in love and war.

No seriously, it's better not to think about that stuff. Unnecessary baggage.

True. I've also realized though that I think the last girlfriend had to happen in order for this girlfriend to happen. Like, I worked through a lot of my own issues about relationships and **** with that girl and even though it didn't work out, going through that made it possible for me to form a relationship with this girl. If I didn't go through that with the last one, I wouldn't have been prepared for this one and would have ****ed it up before it became what it is now.

And, honestly, what it is now is pretty awesome. We're both really into each other and I definitely want to see a potential future together. Where as when I think back to the last one, it was more of a "she's really cool and I like spending time with her" kind of thing rather than a "wanting to see where this leads" kind of thing and I, perhaps, maybe just got too carried away with it....

But I don't really believe in accidents or coincidences.

I also realize that I'm probably putting too much thought into this when it doesn't really matter at all. What happened in the past doesn't matter and I should just be focusing on what's happening now. Which is what I'm going to do.