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Old 04-02-2013, 01:41 AM   #801
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Not so smart since he'll have to buy a new shirt!
An alpha male would make his date by him a new shirt.

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Old 04-02-2013, 04:40 AM   #802
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I thought you guys were dating longer.

When I was in a long distance relationship, I didn't think about one day one of us were going to have to move. I just looked forward to the next time we saw each other.

Who am I to tell you you shouldn't hold off until you absolutely have to, to have that discussion with your families.
I didn't mean to sound offensive towards you or anything. Of course you have the right to voice how you feel about this. You're not the only one who suggested that I should just push things along and make them meet but I feel it's still a bit early for that. Even though we're serious. I don't think she's ready for it.

I would be but I doubt she's ready for it. And also, it'd bring about a lot of pressure on everyone, including my mom, once they know each other. Like my mom would feel inclined to do certain things and vice versa, and I don't feel like they're ready for that.

But see what you wrote right here about just looking forward to the next time you two met, that's where we are right now. And I love her profoundly for that

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a man would rip out of the shirt like hulk hogan and continue the date; bare-chested (or bear chested for the hairy people).
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An alpha male would make his date by him a new shirt.
No that'd be a gamma-male, who's manipulative and deceptive and gets his way. An alpha-male would make her wash his shirt right there.

I prefer the calm but grim attitude. Shows much more strength of character if you can keep your composure.

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(pt 1; pt 2; pt 3; pt 4; pt 5; pt 6; pt 7)


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Old 04-02-2013, 04:56 AM   #803
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No that'd be a gamma-male, who's manipulative and deceptive and gets his way. An alpha-male would make her wash his shirt right there.

I prefer the calm but grim attitude. Shows much more strength of character if you can keep your composure.
Grim...over a shirt? All you guys need to take a chill pill.

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Old 04-02-2013, 06:33 AM   #804
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Well okay bad choice of words. I meant keeping one's cool. Keeping composure. Y'know, having taken that chill pill.

But seriously guys, this whole mom / girl issue is getting to me. What do I do?

Today I have the entire day off and have classes at 6, we both do, and I'm at home so mom's like "hey is she up? tell her to come over we should all go out and do lunch."

I tell her that and she's all smiles and says she's so glad my mom's like this and she's happy.

Then she says "but no.... I'm scared. If my mom knew and she'd be there it'd be so much better. We could all be awkward and cute together."

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Old 04-02-2013, 06:37 AM   #805
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and like. right now I'm gonna go out to eat with my mom today anyway so she'd want an answer. Later on mom would be dropping me off at my campus and she'd see her at a distance.

Messed up ness.

I tell mom "no" and she'll go around thinking that the girl is being very stringent and not willing to compromise and doesn't really care. Which isn't true but you can't convince a mom that. She already made several comments about the girl's clothes and said how she's "too western!" And i'm like "what the hell? It's not like I have a problem with that." "Would she be wearing clothes like that IN OUR HOUSE??"

-_-

"Mom. She's a nice girl. Sure she's not your overtly-beautiful bodacious babe but she's a nice girl and I love her. Stop judging her without knowing her first."

"Yes. Let me get to know her. You need me to help you out. Let me help you out!"

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I call it Heroic Archetypes. You can read the parts on Batman Begins in the following links:
(pt 1; pt 2; pt 3; pt 4; pt 5; pt 6; pt 7)


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Old 04-02-2013, 06:51 AM   #806
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Well okay bad choice of words. I meant keeping one's cool. Keeping composure. Y'know, having taken that chill pill.
That is seriously not anywhere close as to what "grim" means. Not "bad choice of words" as it is "swung for the fences and hit the umpire with the bat instead."

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and like. right now I'm gonna go out to eat with my mom today anyway so she'd want an answer. Later on mom would be dropping me off at my campus and she'd see her at a distance.

Messed up ness.

I tell mom "no" and she'll go around thinking that the girl is being very stringent and not willing to compromise and doesn't really care. Which isn't true but you can't convince a mom that. She already made several comments about the girl's clothes and said how she's "too western!" And i'm like "what the hell? It's not like I have a problem with that." "Would she be wearing clothes like that IN OUR HOUSE??"

-_-

"Mom. She's a nice girl. Sure she's not your overtly-beautiful bodacious babe but she's a nice girl and I love her. Stop judging her without knowing her first."

"Yes. Let me get to know her. You need me to help you out. Let me help you out!"
Your mom sounds a little bit like my fiancé's mom. She's got a bit of the helicopter thing going on. Overworrying about stuff. He HATES it, and puts a damper on that kind of **** right away. He simply refuses to be in the room when she starts to go on like that. He'll actually ask her to stop talking about it. He'll end a phone call with a "Hey Mom I gotta go" when she starts to go on like that. He just doesn't tolerate it. And guess what? She still sends him emails about the latest grim (actually grim ) news about this and this political thing going on and how we might need to look for a new wedding venue if the economy goes to crap and our venue goes kaput.

Point is, she's going to keep on doing her thing. And she will come back to you. She isn't going to hate you forever if you put your foot down about this. She's your mom, after all.

Although it does make it more difficult since you DO live at home with her. But even when my fiancé lived at home with his parents, he still exited conversations with her once she started to talk paranoia and she didn't lock him out of the house or anything.

You're old enough. It's time to push back a little bit.

Or, your mom will be like my best friend's mom and slather on the guilt about "she's done all this for you and this is how you repay her." Which, if she is this kind of person, she will lay on you no matter what you do. No matter what my best friend does, her mother will never be pleased.

Long story short, your mom won't change. Don't worry about her. Do what you feel is right for your relationship.

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Old 04-02-2013, 09:14 AM   #807
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Default Re: From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

You have 3 options:

Tell your mom the truth that she's not comfortable meeting you until you meet her parents.

Have your parents finally meet the both of you.

Do nothing and your mom will have will assumptions about her.

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Old 04-02-2013, 03:42 PM   #808
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That is seriously not anywhere close as to what "grim" means. Not "bad choice of words" as it is "swung for the fences and hit the umpire with the bat instead."
Fine.

You know what I meant. I need to be more like that. Ooze confidence like a pro.

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Your mom sounds a little bit like my fiancé's mom. She's got a bit of the helicopter thing going on. Overworrying about stuff. He HATES it, and puts a damper on that kind of **** right away. He simply refuses to be in the room when she starts to go on like that. He'll actually ask her to stop talking about it. He'll end a phone call with a "Hey Mom I gotta go" when she starts to go on like that. He just doesn't tolerate it. And guess what? She still sends him emails about the latest grim (actually grim ) news about this and this political thing going on and how we might need to look for a new wedding venue if the economy goes to crap and our venue goes kaput.
It is hilarious. My mom was all "I need to see if she'll be pulling you around and dominate you in the relationship." It's like she's focusing on only the negatives and the fact that today's meeting didn't pull through (yes. the girl was sick and I couldn't get her to meet up with mom for lunch and I told mom it was on short-notice and the fact that she has a bad cough so she's really shy and it worked. But it got an entire storm of conversations started on my end with mom with her telling me how the girl isn't putting any effort and that she really doesn't care and that at the end of the day this was her disrespecting my mom by not showing up).

It's funny when she doesn't understand that the reason today was simply because she had a cold. Of course, she did come to class and meet up with me afterwards. And mom knowing that didn't win her any points. My sole argument is that she shouldn't be making assumptions without having gotten to know her, and of course my girlfriend has all these not-so-ideal qualities, she's human after all. And I love her because of some of them. Like, she's very crazy about me and very clingy and I like that, to mom that's a bad sign of a controlling wife. And I'm telling mom that I don't need to hear that right now.

My mom's doing more than just being a helicopter parent here, she's gone on full recon-mode.

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Point is, she's going to keep on doing her thing. And she will come back to you. She isn't going to hate you forever if you put your foot down about this. She's your mom, after all.
This is exactly what my friends said. And I get that. That's why I'm able to yell at my mom at all about this when she going out of the line and says something mean about the girl without knowing her (I know I shouldn't be yelling at my mom but it's sort of spilled out into her being all helicopter with me). I guess if I was a bit older I'd be able to do what your fiance is doing right now.

But no, this point, that she isn't going to hate me forever on account of being my mom, that's something I understand, it's something I should tell my girlfriend about her parents. And honestly, I don't think her parents would relent seeing how messed up they act like.

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You're old enough. It's time to push back a little bit.
I'm doing that. Trust me. I'm doing that. And it hurts her a lot that I'm doing it. What gets me riled up is that she thinks (inevitably) that I'm pushing back because of the girl, not because I'm old enough. That's just creating a good mess along the line.

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Or, your mom will be like my best friend's mom and slather on the guilt about "she's done all this for you and this is how you repay her." Which, if she is this kind of person, she will lay on you no matter what you do. No matter what my best friend does, her mother will never be pleased.
Sounds a bit like my mom as well as my girlfriend's dad to be honest.

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Long story short, your mom won't change. Don't worry about her. Do what you feel is right for your relationship.
This is like the exact opposite what I've been doing.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE DIFFICULT!!! I SHOULD'VE TAKEN A CRASH-COURSE IN PUBLICITY MANAGEMENT BEFOREHAND!

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Originally Posted by Erzengel View Post
You have 3 options:

Tell your mom the truth that she's not comfortable meeting you until you meet her parents.

Have your parents finally meet the both of you.

Do nothing and your mom will have will assumptions about her.
1. I told my mom that she's not comfortable. That led to mom going to 3. and making all sort of assumptions and going bat-**** insane. Telling me, "I don't want to meet up anymore you'll be on your own. I'll leave you and your dad." She actually said that.

I told my girlfriend about mom's reactions and she's like "can you give me a month? I need to know if I am ready to betray my parents and meet up with your mom."

and "isn't it a bit too early?"

"give me a little more time" (and honestly I think she's just stringing it along by saying that).

I don't know... I have this cousin of mine who's pushing her boyfriend to tell his parents about her. She's depressed that he doesn't tell his folks and feels like she's being used.

Mom was comparing me to my cousin, and I was contrasting my girlfriend to her.... is it normal about the way she's acting?

Today's entire episode just made me feel like our conservative culture about no relationships before marriage and no marriage until there's an established career would've been so much easier to handle. I'd just be career-focused, get successful, then meet up with my girlfriend's parents, have them meet up with mine, get married and figured love and all that stuff out later. It'd still be my girlfriend though.

I hate myself for saying that.

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THE JUSTICE BULLETIN published some of my thematic analysis on the symbolism in Nolan's superhero saga.
I call it Heroic Archetypes. You can read the parts on Batman Begins in the following links:
(pt 1; pt 2; pt 3; pt 4; pt 5; pt 6; pt 7)


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Old 04-02-2013, 03:52 PM   #809
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It is hilarious. My mom was all "I need to see if she'll be pulling you around and dominate you in the relationship." It's like she's focusing on only the negatives and the fact that today's meeting didn't pull through (yes. the girl was sick and I couldn't get her to meet up with mom for lunch and I told mom it was on short-notice and the fact that she has a bad cough so she's really shy and it worked. But it got an entire storm of conversations started on my end with mom with her telling me how the girl isn't putting any effort and that she really doesn't care and that at the end of the day this was her disrespecting my mom by not showing up).

It's funny when she doesn't understand that the reason today was simply because she had a cold. Of course, she did come to class and meet up with me afterwards. And mom knowing that didn't win her any points. My sole argument is that she shouldn't be making assumptions without having gotten to know her, and of course my girlfriend has all these not-so-ideal qualities, she's human after all. And I love her because of some of them. Like, she's very crazy about me and very clingy and I like that, to mom that's a bad sign of a controlling wife. And I'm telling mom that I don't need to hear that right now.

My mom's doing more than just being a helicopter parent here, she's gone on full recon-mode.
She's being possessive, which is on another level than just being helicopter.

The thing is, it won't change even if you had someone without the so-called "flaws" your mom points out. Nobody will ever be perfect enough.

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This is exactly what my friends said. And I get that. That's why I'm able to yell at my mom at all about this when she going out of the line and says something mean about the girl without knowing her (I know I shouldn't be yelling at my mom but it's sort of spilled out into her being all helicopter with me). I guess if I was a bit older I'd be able to do what your fiance is doing right now.
Actually, he's been pushing back on his mom ever since he was a wee boy and his age was in the single digits. He just told me about a time where he was grounded as a kid because he stayed out too late skateboarding with his friends. What a punk!

I was surprised when I found out he was an only child, since most only children I know are a bit helpless and spoiled. But my fiancé had a rebellious streak very early on and wanted to establish his independence and not be bogged down by his mom's helicopter-ness.

This may also mean that his mom is very used to him pushing back the way he does. It's definitely more of a shock when an older child has enough and finally does it. That's what my Asian friends experience, and they usually get the guilt trip.

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This is like the exact opposite what I've been doing.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE DIFFICULT!!! I SHOULD'VE TAKEN A CRASH-COURSE IN PUBLICITY MANAGEMENT BEFOREHAND!
Yeah you don't want to hurt your mom because...she's your mom and you live with her. But part of growing up means realizing that people won't change their stripes, and you might as well just do what you want.

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Today's entire episode just made me feel like our conservative culture about no relationships before marriage and no marriage until there's an established career would've been so much easier to handle. I'd just be career-focused, get successful, then meet up with my girlfriend's parents, have them meet up with mine, get married and figured love and all that stuff out later. It'd still be my girlfriend though.

I hate myself for saying that.
Grass is always greener. I was reading an article about matchmaking in China, and how rich men look for very particular physical traits in women (example: 22-26, pale skin, certain weight, and of course, a virgin), and how social status was the most important innate thing, not compatibility.

It made me very glad that my grandparents and parents never moved back there.

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Old 04-02-2013, 04:05 PM   #810
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I love dating in America. Finding someone with low self esteem and your parents just happy you brought someone home.

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Old 04-02-2013, 05:30 PM   #811
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I love dating in America too Erz. Unfortunately, I'm not in America anymore.

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Old 04-02-2013, 05:50 PM   #812
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Not so smart since he'll have to buy a new shirt!
who needs shirts? i don't want to inadvertently conceal my thunder!

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Old 04-02-2013, 09:10 PM   #813
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Turns out the girl I thought was smooth sailing has a boyfriend, of course.

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Old 04-02-2013, 09:32 PM   #814
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I love dating in America. Finding someone with low self esteem and your parents just happy you brought someone home.
I'm eagerly awaiting the "no refund, no return!" speech from my mom at the rehearsal dinner.

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Old 04-04-2013, 07:12 AM   #815
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What about dating websites in America? It sound crazy for me. Most of my friends are dating online. I am dating my girlfriend since last one year and I never used any website for dating. I don't know how my friends are dating online? It's really surprising for me indeed. darcyf

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Old 04-04-2013, 09:27 AM   #816
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I wish there some link so I could click on a dating website.

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Old 04-04-2013, 01:53 PM   #817
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I wish there some link so I could click on a dating website.
Especially one from a guy who JUST signed up to apparently post on a relationship thread on a forum about comic books.

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Old 04-04-2013, 02:43 PM   #818
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Bot! KILL IT!!!

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Old 04-05-2013, 12:49 PM   #819
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Fine.

You know what I meant. I need to be more like that. Ooze confidence like a pro.

It is hilarious. My mom was all "I need to see if she'll be pulling you around and dominate you in the relationship." It's like she's focusing on only the negatives and the fact that today's meeting didn't pull through (yes. the girl was sick and I couldn't get her to meet up with mom for lunch and I told mom it was on short-notice and the fact that she has a bad cough so she's really shy and it worked. But it got an entire storm of conversations started on my end with mom with her telling me how the girl isn't putting any effort and that she really doesn't care and that at the end of the day this was her disrespecting my mom by not showing up).

It's funny when she doesn't understand that the reason today was simply because she had a cold. Of course, she did come to class and meet up with me afterwards. And mom knowing that didn't win her any points. My sole argument is that she shouldn't be making assumptions without having gotten to know her, and of course my girlfriend has all these not-so-ideal qualities, she's human after all. And I love her because of some of them. Like, she's very crazy about me and very clingy and I like that, to mom that's a bad sign of a controlling wife. And I'm telling mom that I don't need to hear that right now.

My mom's doing more than just being a helicopter parent here, she's gone on full recon-mode.

This is exactly what my friends said. And I get that. That's why I'm able to yell at my mom at all about this when she going out of the line and says something mean about the girl without knowing her (I know I shouldn't be yelling at my mom but it's sort of spilled out into her being all helicopter with me). I guess if I was a bit older I'd be able to do what your fiance is doing right now.

But no, this point, that she isn't going to hate me forever on account of being my mom, that's something I understand, it's something I should tell my girlfriend about her parents. And honestly, I don't think her parents would relent seeing how messed up they act like.

I'm doing that. Trust me. I'm doing that. And it hurts her a lot that I'm doing it. What gets me riled up is that she thinks (inevitably) that I'm pushing back because of the girl, not because I'm old enough. That's just creating a good mess along the line.

Sounds a bit like my mom as well as my girlfriend's dad to be honest.

This is like the exact opposite what I've been doing.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE DIFFICULT!!! I SHOULD'VE TAKEN A CRASH-COURSE IN PUBLICITY MANAGEMENT BEFOREHAND!

1. I told my mom that she's not comfortable. That led to mom going to 3. and making all sort of assumptions and going bat-**** insane. Telling me, "I don't want to meet up anymore you'll be on your own. I'll leave you and your dad." She actually said that.

I told my girlfriend about mom's reactions and she's like "can you give me a month? I need to know if I am ready to betray my parents and meet up with your mom."

and "isn't it a bit too early?"

"give me a little more time" (and honestly I think she's just stringing it along by saying that).

I don't know... I have this cousin of mine who's pushing her boyfriend to tell his parents about her. She's depressed that he doesn't tell his folks and feels like she's being used.

Mom was comparing me to my cousin, and I was contrasting my girlfriend to her.... is it normal about the way she's acting?

Today's entire episode just made me feel like our conservative culture about no relationships before marriage and no marriage until there's an established career would've been so much easier to handle. I'd just be career-focused, get successful, then meet up with my girlfriend's parents, have them meet up with mine, get married and figured love and all that stuff out later. It'd still be my girlfriend though.

I hate myself for saying that.
Really, reading this whole saga, I really think it's you two being unreasonable. You tell your mom not to make assumptions without meeting the girl, but the girl won't meet your mom and you're constantly making excuses to delay them meeting. 3 months plus in I met my wife's family and she met mine and neither of us even lived at home, you say you love her, why wouldn't you want your family to meet her. It just makes things more complicated to not meet. As for betraying her family, she's already doing that, her father doesn't want you two going out right? Well, if you're going out, too late, betrayal is already happening. Sorry Nave I think this is going to end in heartbreak for you, the secret can't be kept forever and keeping the relationship a secret from her family is just going to make matter worse when they find out.

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Old 04-05-2013, 02:06 PM   #820
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Default Re: From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

It's only a bad idea when they're (namely she) is still living with parents. I have a friend whose in-laws dislike her, but they got together in college (he wore her down ) and never lived at home, so his parents never called the shots from the beginning. They just hold a united front, and their marriage comes first. There is no waffling between relationship and parents there, and never was.

Whereas my coworker's in-laws visibly prefers their son's former girlfriend to her. That's why there's so much drama in that marriage - the husband refuses to hold their marriage first. Instead, he waffles his loyalties between his parents/ex/son and his wife/their kids. It tears everybody apart if you do that. Because her husband refuses to commit 100% to their marriage, she responds by doing the same and it just goes downhill from there.

Putting the relationship first doesn't mean you stop speaking to your parents forever or wish ill upon them. But if you're going to prioritize, it has to be your relationship. Your parents will always be your family, but not putting support behind a voluntary romantic relationship means you really don't want it to work out. That goes for both of you.

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Old 04-05-2013, 02:48 PM   #821
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Default Re: From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

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Originally Posted by Anita18 View Post
It's only a bad idea when they're (namely she) is still living with parents. I have a friend whose in-laws dislike her, but they got together in college (he wore her down ) and never lived at home, so his parents never called the shots from the beginning. They just hold a united front, and their marriage comes first. There is no waffling between relationship and parents there, and never was.

Whereas my coworker's in-laws visibly prefers their son's former girlfriend to her. That's why there's so much drama in that marriage - the husband refuses to hold their marriage first. Instead, he waffles his loyalties between his parents/ex/son and his wife/their kids. It tears everybody apart if you do that. Because her husband refuses to commit 100% to their marriage, she responds by doing the same and it just goes downhill from there.

Putting the relationship first doesn't mean you stop speaking to your parents forever or wish ill upon them. But if you're going to prioritize, it has to be your relationship. Your parents will always be your family, but not putting support behind a voluntary romantic relationship means you really don't want it to work out. That goes for both of you.
But in your first example the girl isn't hiding her relationship, the parents know about it. Hiding the relationship because they don't approve means she's not putting 100% into either side.

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Old 04-06-2013, 11:58 AM   #822
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Default Re: From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

I like a hype member or two

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Old 04-06-2013, 11:41 PM   #823
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Default Re: From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

I have a question. I have been dating this girl for over a month and it's been going well. We go out twice a week and we text/call everyday. Today I text her good morning and she text me back the same. I went to church today but I was surprised she didn't text me the entire day until I text her back when I got home at six. She always text me how's my day been going. Anyways she told me that she met up with a guy that she used to date and wanted him to apologize and stop calling her. That's the reason she said on why they met up. I feel like she met with the guy for two reasons cuz she still had feelings for the guy and wanted to see if it can still work it or just wanted to see for herself if she still likes the dude. Am I reading it too much? Or my girl simply wanted the guy to apologize and stop calling

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Old 04-06-2013, 11:51 PM   #824
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Default Re: From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

@ LA you got to go with your gut on this one. Anyone who really wants someone to stop contacting them does not meet up. I agree with your two observations.

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Old 04-07-2013, 10:47 AM   #825
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Default Re: From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

Well you're not going to find what happened here.

Communication is key and it depends on her how open she wants to be. I wouldn't necessarily confront her with wild accusations.

But if you want to talk to her, and bring the conversation to "is there something I should worry about?" or "I'm more than a second choice."

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