50 Facts about the Batman franchise

Arkard

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If you take anything seriously here, you deserve to get offended.

1. The Joker killed Bruce's parents.
2. Look, we all know Tim Burton created Batman, OK? To do anything against his original vision would be confusing and an unnecessary re-make.
3. I mean, come on, Tim Burton is God, his directing is flawless and should be the benchmark not only for Batman, but for all movies ever made.
4. While we are at it, Keaton was the best Batman. They should get him for the next movie. He is the definitive Batman and looks JUST like the character.
5. Oh, and Danny Elfman should totally do the score. Who else is there? Danny did the score for every movie in existance, so why go against tradition?
6. Although, despite Burton being a God, Christopher Nolan is Jesus Christ reincarnated, and if it should ever, EVER cross your mind that "Batman Begins" has a flaw of any sort, may you be thrown in a pit full of acid. The acid wouldn't be strong enough to kill you, so you'll be drowning, but still in excruciating pain.
7. Schumacher is Satan.
8. He is also the worst filmmaker of all time and Warner Brothers was not at all responsible for neon-izing Gotham. All ties with his movies need to be cut
9. Schumacher only directed Batman & Robin. He did not make any other movie.
10. Speaking of movies and Nolan, Nolan doesn't know how to make them (ignore no 6), and doesn't understand the casting process and has never seen Heath Ledger act in anything - he is basically winging it.
11. Heath Ledger is the worst Joker ever - FACT, even though there is not a second of footage to make a statement about his peformance
12. He just sucks. Bring back Jack!
13. So what if Jack Nicholson is 70 years old? Bring him back, so audiences everywhere can watch Batman kick the *beep* out of a senior citizen.
14. Nicholson IS the Joker! His performance was flawless and not at all just Jack Nicholson playing Jack Nicholson in face paint.
15. If not Jack, then Mark Hamill. Hamill needs to, at the very least, do a voice over for the Joker.
16. Speaking of voices, the laugh in the TDK teaser sucked and means the whole movie will suck.
17. Unless the teaser reveals the whole plot of a movie, it sucks!
18. Not just the laugh, they are doing everything wrong with The Joker. He should be molested to make me him more dark.
19. What is he? A clown? Clowns are dumb and totally not scary.
20. I never imagined Joker as a clown. He was always the sickest f-ck you ever met in my eyes.
21. Joker needs to eat babies, smear feces on his face, piss on corpeses before licking their rotting sphincter, and any other disgusting vile thing because he's crazy like that. This is more realistic and gritty.
22. Make-up is also gritty and realistic.
23. This is a NEW movie, OK, ******s? They are doing something new with him, and the only way to make a fresh character is to go against his 70 year old history by substituting chemical scaring with pancake.
24. 'Cause chemical bleaching is unrealistic.
25. It's ultra realistic for a normal boy to have something terrible happen to him that makes him run away for 7 years of his life, train with a vigilante ninja group, and dress like a bat in a dual identity to fight crime. But having a normal man go through something terrible that causes him to permanently look like a clown and lose his mind is just ridiculous. It's only realistic if he's obsessed with clowns and paints his own make-up on.
26. You know what else is realistic? Tibetan ninjas led by a Scotsman with a French name trying to destroy a city by poisoning the water supply with an inhalant and a large microwave that doesn't hurt people. My uncle owns one of those.
27. Another fact - Batman comes in only 2 flavours: Ultra realistic ala Begins even though Begins was not realistic, or stupid kiddy camp ala Schumacher, Burton or West. There are NO other possibilities.
28. Of course "realism" is the only way to go, and any ****** can see that. There is no other way to shoot a comic book movie.
29. Referencing the comics to make a comic book movie is lame and should not be done.
30. However, Joker's origin should be exactly like it is in "The Killing Joke".
31. Alan Moore created The Joker in TKJ.
32. But, the origin is inconclusive. There are no definite origins for the Joker. It's all for open to interpretation.
33. Like Joker's white skin. It's never stated in the comic books that it's permanently white, nor that it's the result of chemicals.
34. While we are on the topic of comic books - There are no other villains in Batman other than Joker, Penguin, Catwoman, Scarecrow, Two Face and The Riddler...which is why AMH MUST be playing The Riddler...they're just toying with us... Open your eyes people.
35. In the same manner, if you cast a woman, it obviously must be for either Harley Quinn, Catwoman or Talia al Ghul. No other female roles exist.
36. Except Rachel Dawes, about whom Batman Begins was about.
37. Played by the lovely Katie Holmes, who is a complete package that could match Bruce Wayne.
38. All female Gotham Assistant District Attorneys must have that 15-year-old girl next door look where you are confused if she is really hot or not, but she really isn't, RIGHT?
39. Although... you know who could be an even greater Rachel? Johny Depp.
40. Hell, if any new part comes available, or is even mentioned, Johny Depp is perfect for the part, no matter the age, race, or gender the character is supposed to be.
41. But Maggie Gyllenhaal sucks and will ruin the character with her superior acting.
42. Despite 7 different actors reprising the role of Batman so far, recasts ALWAYS ruin movies and make them fail.
43. This is why Christian Bale, Michael Caine, and Heath Ledger HAVE TO come back in twenty years to do a TDKR movie. It's silly to think that they would ever refuse to do it. What the *beep* wrong with you, ******? You hate Frank Miller?
44. Frank Miller created Batman, you know?
45. Speaking of creations, giving the Joker make-up is artistic genius, yet a sewer mutant Penguin is an egoistical ploy by Burton. For shame.
46. But Burton is still God! Because it does not matter how close the character is to his source, as long as he is COOL. See pt 29.
47. You know who is cool? Robin. Robin should always be in the Batman movies he is crutial to who Batman is.
48. However, after reading dr Wertham's "Seduction of the Innocent" I am suddenly 100% sure Robin makes Batman look gay, although that thought never crossed my mind when I was watching TAS, where they wrote the character good. I wonder if those 2 facts are connected? Good writing and the character not sucking? Hmmmmm....
49. Hmmm... you know, Batman should have an airplane. Airplanes work wonders for cutting off like 5 seconds travel in urban areas without sufficient landing spaces. Arplanes also cost millions of dollars. But that is a small price to pay for the precious saved seconds.
50. Vehicle wise, the Batmobile must HAVE fins. It must be enormously long, and must be totally impractical because Batman is a comic book character.
 
What if I'm offended because it's not funny?
 
You know what's funniest about this? If everyone thought this way there wouldn't be any fighting because if one person said all this, than he'd obviously love every aspect of Batman just as much.
 

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