Everyone all over the internet is freaking out over this. I remember reading this earlier today hoping that it wouldn't make its way on the SHH. I know it is going to get worse from this point. A lot of headlines are now even reporting that Garfield WANTS Mary Jane to be male.
This fact needs to be established already: He. Was. Only. Joking.
In this world, there exists this thing called a joke. A joke is, by definition, a thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter. Jokes derive from a very important element of human nature known as "humor". "Humor" is defined as the quality of being amusing or comic, especially as expressed in literature or speech. The context in which Andrew Garfield has said the particular statement made is a context that is clearly meant to be humorous. Because the particular statement is meant to be humorous, the statement is an example of a "joke". Therefore, what Andrew Garfield said was a joke and should not be taken seriously. Taking any statement meant to be a joke as a legitimate serious statement is objectively ******ed.
What Andrew Garfield did is not just humor. It is humor mixed with a defense for gay rights. Basically, he made a joke that is both funny but supports gay teens at the same time. But of course that we all have to freak out and assume that he is being serious, including the media which is now reporting that Andrew Garfield seriously wants Michael B. Jordan as a gay black male version of MJ in a Spider-Man film. Had this been Christian Bale from the highly successful Dark Knight Trilogy or Robert Downey Jr. from the highly successful Iron Man and Avengers films, there would be no problem. Heck, if this was Tobey Maguire from the previous Spider-Man franchise who made this joke, that would also not be a problem. We would praise them for their ability of sending messages across through their great humor. However, we have to freak out and take Andrew Garfield's statement seriously because we need to find as many reasons as possible to not like this new Spider-Man franchise.
That is essentially why we are doing this. We have to constantly remember that this reboot is the worst thing to have ever happened to Spider-Man and is an abomination in a way that no comic book movie is. So we are going to do everything in our power to find flaws and things to point fingers to.
This is why we immediately jumped to the conclusion that the upcoming film would suck when Electro was announced. Because Electro is a very lame villain, despite him having an iconic comic book arc, being one of the most dangerous foes on Spider-Man's rogues gallery and the fact that we all talked about what a great villain he would be for a Spider-Man film one day prior to him being announced as the main villain of this film. It is also why we jumped to the conclusion that Paul Giamatti would not play the Rhino at all but would just be a mob boss/criminal nicknamed the Rhino. We knew this by seeing the set photos and because he wasn't wearing the Rhino suit in those particular photos, that automatically meant that he wouldn't be the Rhino we know.
We also have to analyze to death every single picture that is teased on Twitter by Webb. From those pictures, we can easily come to the conclusion that Venom will appear in the film and not only that but that Harry Osborn will be Venom. Of course that we have nothing to base this on. Just on the fact that there was a picture teased a while back with Harry/DeHaan and a locker number. Of course that that conclusion was based on nothing so we had to make up the fact that the number on the locker was the same number on Eddie Brock's locker found in Ultimate Spider-Man despite his locker having no number on it in the comic. Also, we can conclude from the pictures and information released that this upcoming film will have approximately 20 villains that have already been hinted and/or announced with possibly more villains to be announced in the next few weeks. Even though they're just hinting at potential villains for sequels or just briefly doing a cameo for some of the alter ego's of these villains, which is what every comic book movie does these days including the "holy grail" that is the MCU, we are just going to assume that this means the film will be packed with tons of villains because although other directors may be doing the same thing to set up for future films, it is clearly obvious that Webb is doing this because he is an idiot. The fact that he posted all those pictures on Twitter that completely spoiled the movie is an even bigger piece of evidence that he is nothing but a complete idiot. He is so stupid that he intentionally and directly spoiled his entire film.
There is more though. We also have to harass Shailene Woodley and send the production crew messages about how she is literally the ugliest thing ever and looks like Channing Tatum just because we can't produce an orgasm from seeing her (with zero manual strokes required) with no makeup from far away on a cold day in February in a low-quality paparazzi photo. We will also conveniently ignore every other picture of her that was released since then. Also the fact that they cast Jamie Foxx as Electro is evidence right there that Electro will not only be corny but will be poorly acted. Our evidence that Jamie Foxx will do a bad job is the comedy show In Living Color which was made in the early 1990's. We conveniently decided to ignore all the great serious performances he had in between 1994 and 2012. We'll just decide to ignore Ray, Miami Vice, The Kingdom, The Soloist, Law Abiding Citizen, and Django Unchained. We have to ignore them or otherwise, we would be proven wrong.
Recently, a few set photos were released showing Andrew Garfield in his suit next to a little kid dressed as Spider-Man. Of course that that automatically means that Spider-Man will have a sidekick who will fight crime with him. Yet another reason as to why this movie will suck so much. And now we have the star of this reboot himself coming out and saying that he wants MJ to be a gay black male. Sure that it was only a joke and we probably would have understood that if Christian Bale or Downey said this but because we need to bring Andrew Garfield and this franchise down, we have to take everything out of context and spread BS whenever the opportunity to do so arises.
Oh, and did I mention just how much this new Spider-Man franchise sucks? No seriously it sucks so much and everybody hates it. Everybody hates it because we said so despite there being no evidence and despite most reports being that the general audience generally liked the first film overall. But we know that everyone hated it and the all the evidence and points we brought up in this post speaks for itself.
Also, Andrew Garfield sucks and the upcoming film will be crap. Just had to mention it again in case I haven't.
