Alright! How you doing, folks? It looks like you’re all sitting there…Hey, pal, you got some jokes? Why don’t you start crankin’ ‘em out, circus boy?
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well. Sometimes you’ll say the right thing but at the wrong time and feel stupid. Something like: “You, too!” I was getting out of a cab at the airport and the driver goes, “Hey…Have a nice flight!”
“You, too! You, too, you have a nice flight, too…in case you ever fly someday.” Don’t anybody look at me; I’m a moron. Don’t know when to say the “you, too” phrase. I can’t handle it.
I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. “Hey, enjoy your meal.”
“You, too. But you don’t have one, do ya? I’m a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity.” That’s all I’m trying to say. That’s all that I’m driving at. Really…if you think about it. That’s all. I don’t know what I’m saying.
Do you ever start to say something and in the middle of what you’re saying you decide to say something else completely? There’s already words out there. These friends were leaving the other day and I started to say “Hey, take care,” and I decided to say “Good luck” instead like half way through, so it came out neither.
“See you later, Brian.”
“Take…luck! Take luck and care. Take care of the luck. Good luck taking care of the luck that you might have…if you have luck, take it, care for it. TAKE LUCK CARE OF IN IT WHEN YOU TAKE LUCK CARE OF IN IT…[continues to yell nonsense words – lots of ‘em].” You’re sure to see them again.
[Friend saying:] “Say, how do you know that guy back there?” “You know him, Bill?”
I’m always putting my foot in my mouth. I don’t stop to think. Oh, no!...words are coming out…oh, no…I’m not thinking…what is that? Like I met this woman recently; I could have sworn she was pregnant, lemme tell ya. [crowd moans] I know, now. I think the rule is: Don’t guess at that ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever. Something like that. I didn’t have enough evers memorized. So I said, “When’s that …b…aby due?” You ever feel a word coming out but it’s too late to stop it? Whoa! It’s coming out and loud… “Hey, when’s that BABY due? BABY!”
“What baby?”
“OOOooo…At the zoo…the pandas….I knew they were trying to have one. I just thought we’d talk about them…talk about the fluffy zoo animals. I hear they’ve got ‘em over there. You can go look at ‘em if you want, and touch ‘em.”
Have you ever guessed somebody’s gender wrong? There’s no recovering from that. You’ve just gotta move on because you ain’t wrigglin’ out of nothin’. “Hey, excuse me, sir.”
“MA’AM!”
“OK. Bye, Human. Bye, Person. Nice to meet you, Individual.”
