hippie_hunter
The King is Back!
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2003
- Messages
- 53,322
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
To the Church of Raptor Jesus!
Raptor Jesus, roamed the Earth circa 90,000,000,000-65,000,000,000 BC, long before the days of Regular Jesus. He lived back in the day when God Himself was still only a teenager. His extinction could possibly be the cause of the entire dinosaur race being wiped out, since God was mad at the Romans for aiding his extinction. Raptor Jesus also liked to talk in l337 speak for some reason.
History
During the Mesozoic Era, God was going through kind of a rebellious phase. Rather than making beings in his own image, he populated the Earth entirely with giant lumbering reptiles. Not the lame, uncool reptiles of our time (lizards, geiko, Godzilla, Canadian deer), but super awesome, but insanely cool dinosaurs! Known to themselves as "giant ******s", Dinosaurs kept no written record, so we didn't learn their real name until modern technology made it possible for us to read their fossilized minds (though how we managed to read minds in the first place beats the heck out of me). At first, the dinosaurs rampaged around at will, eating each other, stepping on sdung, and generally causing damage to the environment (then again, who gives a crap about the environment?). God was forced to intervene when His mother, -NAME BLANKED OUT BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW IT-, found out about the world He had created, and ordered him to "clean up this mess before your father gets home."
Unwilling to enter his world and change things himself, God created Raptor Jesus. Raptor Jesus's primary role on Earth was to convert the dinosaurs from the paganistic Theory of Evolution (monkeys transformed into men), and foster a new belief in intelligent design (God created men). Opponents of his theory, primarily the darn Romans, viciously attacked him, condemning him and his followers to extinction. God had originally intended Raptor Jesus to simply preach to his fellow dinosaurs, but it soon became apparent that more persuasive methods would need to be applied. In order to impress the dinosaurs, God granted Raptor Jesus the ability to perform miracles.
The Miracles of Raptor Jesus
Soon an angry mob of Roman citizens attacked Raptor Jesus and pulled off his tail. Raptor Jesus impressed them all as he regrew another one, then proceeded to heal any others who had lost a tail. Raptor Jesus then broke up the mob by picking out individuals and embarassing the crap out of them until every member of the mob became too mentally weak and confused to do any more to harm him.
Soon everyone grew to love Raptor Jesus and he became a popular icon and star althlete (for donation reasons). He won every competition he entered. Most impressive was his swimming performances. Raptor Jesus used his ability to walk on water to his advantage, running across the surface of the water rather than actually swimming.
The Twelve Raptors
The Twelve Raptors were a band of his most loyal followers who helped him convert the dinosaur public. They were the first to be converted from the Church of the Tyrant Rex God. They went around the caves and jungles and turned many Raptors away from the Tyrant Rex God (who was a total moron, by the way). Raptors, from the idiotic statue-worshippers to the primitive anti-creationists, joined Raptor Jesus's cause. Though one Disciple, named Mofo, tried to convert non-Raptors and was met with opposition. In the end Raptors and other dinosaurs alike flocked to Raptor Jesus.
His Final Days
For some stupid reason the Tyrant Rex God no longer tolerated Raptor Jesus and his band of followers. Around 65,000,000,000 BC, he ordered Raptor Jesus to be crucified. Somehow he managed to defy and cheat death and resurected 3 days later
By his early twenties, God got bored of reptiles. Due to Raptor Jesus's good intentions, the entire dinosaur population was converted to his religion, with no more competitors or opposers in sight. God did not like this at all (nope, not at all). Therefore, he decided to kill them all. He wiped out the dinosaurs by smashing the earth with a giant asteroid Xbox and started over.
That's how the world came to be as we know it today.
The Raptor Bible
After Raptor Jesus's death, a collection of his teachings can be found in the Raptor Bible, written lagrely in part by his band of twelve Raptor disciples. It shows many of his most popular sayings, including "Grrrrrrrr" and "RAAAAR". It also contained evidence for what is to come in the future of dinosaurs and Raptor Jesus, though this information is kept secret by the Lutheran Church. Copies are not available to the general public, but in fact only to Lutheran Church members (the sole faith dedicated to Raptor Jesus), dinosaurs, and the guys who made Canadian bacon
The Passion
A film depicting the last days of DinoJesus was produced on May 19, 2005. It was a critical and financial failure, due in part to its negative depiction of dramatic climate change.
Raptor Jesus, roamed the Earth circa 90,000,000,000-65,000,000,000 BC, long before the days of Regular Jesus. He lived back in the day when God Himself was still only a teenager. His extinction could possibly be the cause of the entire dinosaur race being wiped out, since God was mad at the Romans for aiding his extinction. Raptor Jesus also liked to talk in l337 speak for some reason.
History
During the Mesozoic Era, God was going through kind of a rebellious phase. Rather than making beings in his own image, he populated the Earth entirely with giant lumbering reptiles. Not the lame, uncool reptiles of our time (lizards, geiko, Godzilla, Canadian deer), but super awesome, but insanely cool dinosaurs! Known to themselves as "giant ******s", Dinosaurs kept no written record, so we didn't learn their real name until modern technology made it possible for us to read their fossilized minds (though how we managed to read minds in the first place beats the heck out of me). At first, the dinosaurs rampaged around at will, eating each other, stepping on sdung, and generally causing damage to the environment (then again, who gives a crap about the environment?). God was forced to intervene when His mother, -NAME BLANKED OUT BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW IT-, found out about the world He had created, and ordered him to "clean up this mess before your father gets home."
Unwilling to enter his world and change things himself, God created Raptor Jesus. Raptor Jesus's primary role on Earth was to convert the dinosaurs from the paganistic Theory of Evolution (monkeys transformed into men), and foster a new belief in intelligent design (God created men). Opponents of his theory, primarily the darn Romans, viciously attacked him, condemning him and his followers to extinction. God had originally intended Raptor Jesus to simply preach to his fellow dinosaurs, but it soon became apparent that more persuasive methods would need to be applied. In order to impress the dinosaurs, God granted Raptor Jesus the ability to perform miracles.
The Miracles of Raptor Jesus
Soon an angry mob of Roman citizens attacked Raptor Jesus and pulled off his tail. Raptor Jesus impressed them all as he regrew another one, then proceeded to heal any others who had lost a tail. Raptor Jesus then broke up the mob by picking out individuals and embarassing the crap out of them until every member of the mob became too mentally weak and confused to do any more to harm him.
Soon everyone grew to love Raptor Jesus and he became a popular icon and star althlete (for donation reasons). He won every competition he entered. Most impressive was his swimming performances. Raptor Jesus used his ability to walk on water to his advantage, running across the surface of the water rather than actually swimming.
The Twelve Raptors
The Twelve Raptors were a band of his most loyal followers who helped him convert the dinosaur public. They were the first to be converted from the Church of the Tyrant Rex God. They went around the caves and jungles and turned many Raptors away from the Tyrant Rex God (who was a total moron, by the way). Raptors, from the idiotic statue-worshippers to the primitive anti-creationists, joined Raptor Jesus's cause. Though one Disciple, named Mofo, tried to convert non-Raptors and was met with opposition. In the end Raptors and other dinosaurs alike flocked to Raptor Jesus.
His Final Days
For some stupid reason the Tyrant Rex God no longer tolerated Raptor Jesus and his band of followers. Around 65,000,000,000 BC, he ordered Raptor Jesus to be crucified. Somehow he managed to defy and cheat death and resurected 3 days later
By his early twenties, God got bored of reptiles. Due to Raptor Jesus's good intentions, the entire dinosaur population was converted to his religion, with no more competitors or opposers in sight. God did not like this at all (nope, not at all). Therefore, he decided to kill them all. He wiped out the dinosaurs by smashing the earth with a giant asteroid Xbox and started over.
That's how the world came to be as we know it today.
The Raptor Bible
After Raptor Jesus's death, a collection of his teachings can be found in the Raptor Bible, written lagrely in part by his band of twelve Raptor disciples. It shows many of his most popular sayings, including "Grrrrrrrr" and "RAAAAR". It also contained evidence for what is to come in the future of dinosaurs and Raptor Jesus, though this information is kept secret by the Lutheran Church. Copies are not available to the general public, but in fact only to Lutheran Church members (the sole faith dedicated to Raptor Jesus), dinosaurs, and the guys who made Canadian bacon
The Passion
A film depicting the last days of DinoJesus was produced on May 19, 2005. It was a critical and financial failure, due in part to its negative depiction of dramatic climate change.
t:
