"Create a Ficticious Bio for a Hypester" Thread

Bruce Banner

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Write a fake bio of your fellow hypester, make it as outrageous or legitimate as possible.

Flex that imagination of yours and write away!

c0e92112.jpg

Special thanks to Kane, BizarroAids, and Harls.
 
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Brucey B: Alright, well I like to think you were abandoned dramatically as a baby in a basket on the doorstep in the thunder & rain to this nice, quiet couple. You were raised as their own, but they weren't very good at socializing and so you grew up to be very intelligent but also sort of reserved and observant. You'd always prefer to sit and ponder in preschool when the other children played with cars and blocks, and when asked to join them your still-innocent eyes would look up and ask, "But why?" and you'd wonder what the point of it all was. Your adoptive parents were never short of loving but you still felt alone and isolated, slowly beginning to grow into writing as you grew into middle & high school. You found that it was the one true love you have in this world, and as far as you're concerned, still is.

I'm writing another as we speak :up: Good thread!
 
Kane52630: You were not born, but created in a lab of cold, metallic machines. They worked on you for years, trying to create the perfect prototype... the only thing was, they succeeded much earlier than they had planned. Without knowing just how powerful the creature they created was, that Killer Android (Neo Era) #52630, or KANE52630 for short, escaped one night. The confused scientists were only left with a shattered test tube in the morning. Kane has since traveled the world, aquiring knowledge from every country. He now resides in a technological cave, hidden amongst his many computers, plotting something for the future of our unassuming world.

/cheesystories
 
Superferret was born on the planet Mustelon, his native name being Furo-El, son of Putor-El. Mustelon exploded and little Furo-El was sent in a rocket to earth.
He was found by the Invicta Family, who worked on a farm in Mendon, Upstate New York. They Gave him the name Enoch.
Enoch Invicta soon discovered he had super-strength, Speed, Flight and invulnerability to everything but a mineral called Mustelonite. He also had the ability to talk to, and control Ferrets. Thus He became Earth's first Superhero, Superferret, and he now works at a Newspaper.
 
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E-Man
"Sammiches, Tank Asses, Pimps"

E-Man was conceived on a cold winter night in the back of an 83 Cutlass Supreme. His father, John Shaft, was a local beat cop that had a knack for landin all the women. His mother, owned a diner that specialized in all types of sammiches. She would only hire women to work in the kitchen area, and dining room.

At the age of 3 E-Man's father took him to his first strip joint, and that is where he saw his first Ebony Chocolate Goddess. Her name was Tiresha, her stage name was "ButterCups." The moment E-Man first laid eyes on her, he was in love. Her volumptious body, and her outta this world booty, helped E-Man say his first full sentence..."Damn woman, let me sleep on that booty." His father was so proud, he then took him to the park and out for ice cream.

Throughout Elementary school, E-Man had numerous girlfriends. Hell, he even dated a few teachers, and all at the age of 10. In Junior High he got his cherry popped, and we'll just leave it at that. Once he had entered High School, he already had a reputation all over town. Women flocked to him, and men envied him. His Freshmen year he was crowned Prom King, at the Senior Dance.

When E-Man turned 16 he went to take his drivers test and failed. But to his advantage, the instructor was a woman, and amazingly enough he passed shortly after. His father was so impressed that he went out and bought him a brand new Escalade on 20's.

E-Man was able to graduate from school his Junior year. He was the valedictorian, and his diploma was given to him by none other then Cee Lo Green.

In his yearbook, he was voted as: "Most Likely To Succeed", "Most Likely To Become President", "Most Loved By Females", "Most Popular", "Most Loved By The White Chicks", "Most Likely To Marry A Stripper" "Most Likely To Have A Building Named After Him". His yearbook was so full of women's phone numbers that he actually turned it into a 58 page phonebook.

Currently E-Man owns a national chain of Diners, "Woman-Make Me A Sammich." For the past 5 years, it has suprassed McDonalds, Taco Bell, Wendy's, "Burger King, and "Arby's" combined. He is not married, but is rumored to be dating, alot of women.

A movie about his life is currently in production. No actors were able to pull off the proper E-Man persona, so he was cast to play himself.




 
E-Man Origins: On one stormy night, E-man is home after spending the last 5 hours singing in a R&B Karaoke houseclub. He noticed that there was a Superhero Skype call going on, so he joined.
While singing the Skype crowd, E-man felt the urge of eating a sammich.
So he called Gloria Gray to go to the kitchen and grab a prepared sammich not knowing that the Fiendish Dr. Wu replaced it with a radioactive sammich. E-man took a bite and painfully transformed into Sammich-Man! ....oh and lighting struck him and in result, he has vitiligo.

sandwichman.jpg
 
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Kane52630: Nobody knows where you come from; not even yourself. At the age of 21 you got amnesia, and were adopted by a secret organization called The Kane International Council, a group dedicated to improving the world. You were given agent serial number (52630) and sent too roam the Interwebz and exert the K.I.C.'s influence on forums thruout the web.
Your boss is a fellow Hypester: C.F. Kane, (C.F. stands for Chief of Forums), whose full origin I am still researching.
 
This is an interesting thread conception as long as it stays friendly.
 
The Search For Bizarro Aids: Scientists in Sweden were brought on trial for unethical medical experiments performed on a undisclosed number of civilians in a labratory during the winter of 2010. One of the Doctors who will remained unnamed at this point in time, stated that 6 of these test subjects violently escaped. Banding together and overpowering three of the large assistants, lead by their most promising subject who seems to be immune to a certain Pandemic that plagues the planet the Doctor claims. The doctor said that this particular patient was simply called "Biz". When we asked what specifics can be told about this man, our inside source said "All will be revealed in time."
 
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Holy secret origin!! I like Bruce, so I'm going to be greedy and have you continue that bio.:woot:
 
This is an interesting thread conception as long as it stays friendly.

JustABill:

There was a time when he was a great man. A leader, a pioneer, a visionary. But that time is long past.

William P. Cumberbach was born into an honest, working class family in Chicago, his father a factor foreman, his mother a schoolteacher. The young Cumberbach displayed great brilliance and thoughtfullness from an early age, reading every book he could get his hands on and writing essays on literature and politics and several pieces of short fiction before he was 14. At 17, he dropped out of school and, using money he had saved for the past two years working various jobs, set off into the world, hitchhiking through America and other countries and making his way as a traveling journalist. He interviewed people present at major turning points in America's history, reported on the horros of the drug wars in Mexico, and exposed corporate ties to murder and organized crime. He traveled across the seven continents and experienced all of the wonders and horros it had to offer.

Upon returning to Chicago, he starting his own news agency, the internet based WPC Publications, with a dedication to honest, ethical journalism and a patronage of arts and entertainment. It was during the early years of WPC Publications that he met Mary Sheldon, a comedy writer and actor for one of the company's entertainment programs, "Rainbows and Gasoline," who would later become his wife.

WPC Publications became a media powerhouse, and Cumberbach became well known for his strong political activism and philanthropy, starting up funds for alternative education and inner city crime prevention. He also served as an advisor for several Federal foreign affairs initiatives, including the Congo Peace talks in Brussels.

Fifteen years after starting his company, he retired as CEO to announce his candidacy for President of the United States. It was a close election, his opponent having a great deal of political experience on his side, but he ultimately won the race.

His first term did not run smoothly. While his education reforms were considered by most to be successful, his law enforcement and military reforms met with a great deal of opposision, as did his attempt to re-appropriate military funding for the infrastructrure. Still, he was popular enough to win a second term.

However, Catastrophe struck near the end of the first year of his second term. North Korea made agressive military advances on it's Southern neighbor, leading to all out war between the two countries. America, in acordance with it's treater with South Korea, lent financial and military support to it's ally. But North Korea considered this to be an act of war in it's own right, and declared war on America aswell. The second Korean War had begun. Analysts and strategists thought victory over the North was ensured, but unbeknownst to them North Korea had made several secret alliances with Iran, Syria, Palestine, and Lybia, as well as variuous anti-American terrorist organizations throughout the middle east, and Ameirca found itself facing an enormous military coolition. The United Kingdom, Japan, France, Israel, and Russia sided with the US and South Korea. The Second Korean war had suddenly turned into the third World War.

The war raged on for two and a half years. South Korea fell within the first four months, and Israel was wiped off of the map by the first year's end. The over all struggle seemed to be a stalemate, until an attack carried out by Al-Quaeda agents and North Korean spies crippled the allied resolve. Several nuclear bombs, funded by the North Koreans and constructed by their scientists working with Al-Quaeda, were smuggled into the united states and detonated in twelve major cities and thirteen culturally significant rural and suburban communities. This segwayed into the Korean invasion of the West Coast and the Iranian invasion of the East.

When the attack was carried out, President Cumberbach and his family were immediately rushed to Air Force One to escape to a bunker in the midwest. However, the plane was shot down by an Iranian fighter over Pensylvania and the President was forced to eject in a parachute, sustaining head injuries and losing consciousness when he landed. He awoke in a forrest, some distance from the crash site, where Iranian forces were already searching the area and arresting survivors. He managed to escape, finding refuge in an Amish village where the locals hid him from the Iranians. After the coast was clear, he left as to not put them in any more danger.

The United States has fallen. The East coast from Boston down to DC is under Iranian military occupation, most of California is under Korean rule, and the rest of the countrie has decendedinto chaos, regions forming their own nation states to fight over scarce resources and defend "their people" from the invaders. William P. Cumberbach is officially presumed dead by the Koreans and Iranians, and they speak of him as such in offical statements, but in reality they are constantly searching for him. Amung Americans who still think he's alive, he has become something of a folk hero.

As for the man himself, he has nothing left say for a backpack, a shotgun, and an unkempt beard. He travels the Highways of what was once America, searching for his wife in hopes that she might still be alive, searching for allies who might shelter him, and searching for a way to save his country. Not as The President, but as a man who can't in good conscience allow this tyrany and curelty to stand. He's left his name behind him, as it is a target, and the only things he carries from his old life are his ideals and his hope.

There was a time when he was a great man. A leader, a pioneer, a visionary. But that time is long past.

Now, he is just Bill.
 
The Original Bamfer - Long ago a man and woman who lived a relatively happy life had a sizeable hole in their hearts. They had tried in vain to fill that hole with a great many things; pie, cake-in-a-bag, the infinite wisdom of Bill Cosby... but none of these things could fill this hole, deny their true desire for a child. Unfortunately, the woman had been unable to conceive. There was, however, something they had not yet tried. A strange mystical hermit who lived outside of city limits, the man was almost completely removed from society excepting the occasional lost soul who was seeking answers no other mortal seemed to possess... and on Wednesdays when the cream cheese delivery people would come. This old haggered man had long since lost his normal name and went by the moniker of 'Arya'...

Desperate and confused, the man and woman went on a two day trek to find the hermit's cave (because they decided to go late Friday night and the buses don't run out that way on weekends... also dramatic tension). When they finally found the cave the old man stumbled out, wincing at the light. "Who are you? The cream cheese is not foretold to arrive for two more sun rises!" The man and woman, shocked at this outburst and also because the hermit was naked, told of their plight.

"I see." spoke Arya "I believe I can help you, but as with all things you must pay a forfeit." The man and woman begrudgingly accepted, since they'd already walked two days to get there and, quite frankly the old naked man was quite repulsive and they wanted to leave in a hurry.

The hermit trudged back into his cave and returned with a small handful of herbs. Take these, just before intercourse and they will heighten your fertility to unprecedented levels.

The man and the woman looked at one another and spoke as one. "Intercourse???"

Three hours later after explaining the birds and the bees with cave drawings, diagrams and a rather raunchy puppet show the man and the woman were fully equipped with all the information they'd need to finally have a child. The time had come to say their farewells.

"Now I told you there would be a price to pay. A forfeit." said the old man.

"Yes, absolutely. With all that you have done for us it is surely worth it." said the woman.

"Could you give me about 2 bucks fifty for bus fare..?"

The man looked at the hermit in horrified contempt. "What do you think we're made of money or something?!?" This disgusting old bum was trying to beg money off of them.

"Dirty panhandler! Get a job!" they kicked him, spat on him and spurned him.

Then the hermit had the audacity to turn on them, "I curse you! May your first born son be doomed to turn into a powerful corrupt lord! Acquiring and abusing his power to such extents that it drags your family name through shame for generations! And he'll kill his father and marry his mother!" The man and woman fled, the bus was at the stop and would leave any minute... and the next one wouldn't be for an hour and they were certain the hermit would make things socially awkward.

The hermit continued "No, actually that's kind of disgusting. Just the first thing. The shame thing." However the man and woman were too far away to hear this and left believing their future spawn would kill one of them and hook up with the other... and that sounded unpleasant for all concerned. Still, that would only happen if they gave birth to a boy... and what were the odds of that happening?

So 10 months later it came as a great surprise when the woman gave birth to a son. The man and woman were terrified. "What are we to do?!?" So they did the only thing they could do. They stuffed the kid in a basket and sent him off to Amish country in an effort to dodge the bullet of fate...
 
*cries tears of joy*
 
JustABill:

There was a time when he was a great man. A leader, a pioneer, a visionary. But that time is long past.

William P. Cumberbach was born into an honest, working class family in Chicago, his father a factor foreman, his mother a schoolteacher. The young Cumberbach displayed great brilliance and thoughtfullness from an early age, reading every book he could get his hands on and writing essays on literature and politics and several pieces of short fiction before he was 14. At 17, he dropped out of school and, using money he had saved for the past two years working various jobs, set off into the world, hitchhiking through America and other countries and making his way as a traveling journalist. He interviewed people present at major turning points in America's history, reported on the horros of the drug wars in Mexico, and exposed corporate ties to murder and organized crime. He traveled across the seven continents and experienced all of the wonders and horros it had to offer.

Upon returning to Chicago, he starting his own news agency, the internet based WPC Publications, with a dedication to honest, ethical journalism and a patronage of arts and entertainment. It was during the early years of WPC Publications that he met Mary Sheldon, a comedy writer and actor for one of the company's entertainment programs, "Rainbows and Gasoline," who would later become his wife.

WPC Publications became a media powerhouse, and Cumberbach became well known for his strong political activism and philanthropy, starting up funds for alternative education and inner city crime prevention. He also served as an advisor for several Federal foreign affairs initiatives, including the Congo Peace talks in Brussels.

Fifteen years after starting his company, he retired as CEO to announce his candidacy for President of the United States. It was a close election, his opponent having a great deal of political experience on his side, but he ultimately won the race.

His first term did not run smoothly. While his education reforms were considered by most to be successful, his law enforcement and military reforms met with a great deal of opposision, as did his attempt to re-appropriate military funding for the infrastructrure. Still, he was popular enough to win a second term.

However, Catastrophe struck near the end of the first year of his second term. North Korea made agressive military advances on it's Southern neighbor, leading to all out war between the two countries. America, in acordance with it's treater with South Korea, lent financial and military support to it's ally. But North Korea considered this to be an act of war in it's own right, and declared war on America aswell. The second Korean War had begun. Analysts and strategists thought victory over the North was ensured, but unbeknownst to them North Korea had made several secret alliances with Iran, Syria, Palestine, and Lybia, as well as variuous anti-American terrorist organizations throughout the middle east, and Ameirca found itself facing an enormous military coolition. The United Kingdom, Japan, France, Israel, and Russia sided with the US and South Korea. The Second Korean war had suddenly turned into the third World War.

The war raged on for two and a half years. South Korea fell within the first four months, and Israel was wiped off of the map by the first year's end. The over all struggle seemed to be a stalemate, until an attack carried out by Al-Quaeda agents and North Korean spies crippled the allied resolve. Several nuclear bombs, funded by the North Koreans and constructed by their scientists working with Al-Quaeda, were smuggled into the united states and detonated in twelve major cities and thirteen culturally significant rural and suburban communities. This segwayed into the Korean invasion of the West Coast and the Iranian invasion of the East.

When the attack was carried out, President Cumberbach and his family were immediately rushed to Air Force One to escape to a bunker in the midwest. However, the plane was shot down by an Iranian fighter over Pensylvania and the President was forced to eject in a parachute, sustaining head injuries and losing consciousness when he landed. He awoke in a forrest, some distance from the crash site, where Iranian forces were already searching the area and arresting survivors. He managed to escape, finding refuge in an Amish village where the locals hid him from the Iranians. After the coast was clear, he left as to not put them in any more danger.

The United States has fallen. The East coast from Boston down to DC is under Iranian military occupation, most of California is under Korean rule, and the rest of the countrie has decendedinto chaos, regions forming their own nation states to fight over scarce resources and defend "their people" from the invaders. William P. Cumberbach is officially presumed dead by the Koreans and Iranians, and they speak of him as such in offical statements, but in reality they are constantly searching for him. Amung Americans who still think he's alive, he has become something of a folk hero.

As for the man himself, he has nothing left say for a backpack, a shotgun, and an unkempt beard. He travels the Highways of what was once America, searching for his wife in hopes that she might still be alive, searching for allies who might shelter him, and searching for a way to save his country. Not as The President, but as a man who can't in good conscience allow this tyrany and curelty to stand. He's left his name behind him, as it is a target, and the only things he carries from his old life are his ideals and his hope.

There was a time when he was a great man. A leader, a pioneer, a visionary. But that time is long past.

Now, he is just Bill.
Hahaha. Holy ****. I never expected anything that epic. :up:
 
This thread is such a great idea that I can see myself doing about 10 of these things. :up:
 
On a cold, dreary day a young lady looked around and said, there's not enough beauty in this world, I must make some. She began to draw, and paint filling every spot with awesome images of imagination. She found herself drawn to art in all it's forms, including comic books. She also found herself reverberating to one particular image. It drew her until she found herself drawing it every chance she could. Finally Miss Harris couldn't separate herself from this icon she adored and one day proclaimed "That's an L not an I, call me Harls"
 
BizarroAids
A man is more than a man, but he's still a man under all of those things. One such man was a guy that appreciated all the fun things in life. He never let himself get a chance to sit and simmer about any possible thing that could depress him. When a crappy cartoon came on in his youth he spent that time running outside and hitting men in the testicles. When there was no men to hit he FALCON PUNCHED neighborhood women in the vagina if they didn't give him candy or bend over like Mrs. Parker on Friday. This young man was a rebel with a laugh that signaled that something funny was about to happen.

Haters hated him. Lovers loved him. He didn't even want none of the above. He wanted to get laid 5,928,928,001 times in his life before he bit the dust. He set out on this journey, and had a good time. When he reached 890,182 women in his bed he set out for another. The next one would change his life. After he woke up to kick the woman out of his house he strangely had the urge to utter a sentence. That sentence was, "I have BizarroAids." Now BizarroAids knew that life was going to be cooler than it was before. Now he could punch dudes in the nuts without having to run after they get up. Now women wanted to be with him to experience what it was like to make love to a man with BizarroAids. He didn't love them hoes though. He spent his time resurrecting dead comic heroes randomly until he met Tank Ass. Tank Ass made the shenanigans more fun. In fact, his RPG character gained 3 levels of experience just by touching her booty. True story.

Kane52630
Work work work work work work work work work work. Little is known about this man besides the fact that he works and works. What does he work on? Nobody knows besides the fact that he offers cool gifs from time to time. There was that one time he rammed his fist into a man's stomach and broke their goddamned SPINE. But beyond that much isn't known. That is until five kids dared step inside his lair.

Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike stepped into Kane's lair once to see what all the fuss was about. They weren't disappointed when they saw the magical computer chair. Kane even let them sit in it just to feel what it was like. They found that Kane's plan was to create a magical machine that would restore the hair of comedian Louis C.K. It was successful until his daughter asked him one too many questions. As for the fifth kid who went with Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike? Well he dared drink out of Kane's Batman mug so Kane forced him to watch Batman & Robin all day during the premiere of The Dark Knight. Poor kid ended up jumping off a cliff.
 
Kane52630
Work work work work work work work work work work. Little is known about this man besides the fact that he works and works. What does he work on? Nobody knows besides the fact that he offers cool gifs from time to time. There was that one time he rammed his fist into a man's stomach and broke their goddamned SPINE. But beyond that much isn't known. That is until five kids dared step inside his lair.

Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike stepped into Kane's lair once to see what all the fuss was about. They weren't disappointed when they saw the magical computer chair. Kane even let them sit in it just to feel what it was like. They found that Kane's plan was to create a magical machine that would restore the hair of comedian Louis C.K. It was successful until his daughter asked him one too many questions. As for the fifth kid who went with Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike? Well he dared drink out of Kane's Batman mug so Kane forced him to watch Batman & Robin all day during the premiere of The Dark Knight. Poor kid ended up jumping off a cliff.

My god, I'm in a glass case of emotion right now.

glasscaseofemotion.gif
 
On a cold, dreary day a young lady looked around and said, there's not enough beauty in this world, I must make some. She began to draw, and paint filling every spot with awesome images of imagination. She found herself drawn to art in all it's forms, including comic books. She also found herself reverberating to one particular image. It drew her until she found herself drawing it every chance she could. Finally Miss Harris couldn't separate herself from this icon she adored and one day proclaimed "That's an L not an I, call me Harls"

Hahaha! Great stuff everyone!
 
The Original Bamfer- Once upon a time, a legend was left behind. It was possibly from the future, but most likely from the past. It could have been thousands of years ago before the internet, but probably not. A simple legend began on Urban Dictionary. It told of a fan of Nightcrawler, who was loved by all. He was also not a fan of breast milk, breast milk ice cream, and was rumored that he may or may not be a fan of breasts in general. Cheesecake was his middle name. It was also his first name. Or maybe that was Bamfer...or The Original..or The....Lets just refer to him as The Original Bamf-cake...yeah that sounds good. You know Cheesecake sounds good, I think I'm going to go get some cheese cake...what was this post about again?
 
There once lived a man. I brave man. A hero. He ventured out into the forbidden kingdom one day in search of a rare jowkastrayup that was said to grant eternal youth. He searched for days in the freezing rain and fire storms. He searched, but could not seem to find the what he was looking for. He was soon at the brink of failure when suddenly a fairy appeared. The hero stood up toward the fairy, who seemed disappointed.

"Oh fayreh, I can't find the jowkastrayup. I have searched to no avail!", the hero shouted.
"But you have found something.", the fairy proclaimed.
"You have found... yourself."

In that instance the hero knew it to be true. He stoop up tall. He was satisfied. He was ready. He was Lightning Strikez!
 
It was a cold winter night in that forest just off the freeway. You've probably passed it and never thought of anything of it, you'd probably not care of its selected place on Earth if you had decided to give acknowledgement towards its existence. The forest itself was pretty dense. You could walk from one side of it to another in about 45 minutes, and if you looked to the east, that freeway you drive every day would be sitting there. Impending your doom as modern America decided to expand out from the cities and suburbs.

Freshly fallen snow had covered the ground for miles around. Untouched. Perfect. The local high school students would flock to here to get pictures for their photography class because the trees "were deep and soulful".

And then Marx was born and became a Hype Mod.
 
The Original Bamfer - Long ago a man and woman who lived a relatively happy life had a sizeable hole in their hearts. They had tried in vain to fill that hole with a great many things; pie, cake-in-a-bag, the infinite wisdom of Bill Cosby... but none of these things could fill this hole, deny their true desire for a child. Unfortunately, the woman had been unable to conceive. There was, however, something they had not yet tried. A strange mystical hermit who lived outside of city limits, the man was almost completely removed from society excepting the occasional lost soul who was seeking answers no other mortal seemed to possess... and on Wednesdays when the cream cheese delivery people would come. This old haggered man had long since lost his normal name and went by the moniker of 'Arya'...

Desperate and confused, the man and woman went on a two day trek to find the hermit's cave (because they decided to go late Friday night and the buses don't run out that way on weekends... also dramatic tension). When they finally found the cave the old man stumbled out, wincing at the light. "Who are you? The cream cheese is not foretold to arrive for two more sun rises!" The man and woman, shocked at this outburst and also because the hermit was naked, told of their plight.

"I see." spoke Arya "I believe I can help you, but as with all things you must pay a forfeit." The man and woman begrudgingly accepted, since they'd already walked two days to get there and, quite frankly the old naked man was quite repulsive and they wanted to leave in a hurry.

The hermit trudged back into his cave and returned with a small handful of herbs. Take these, just before intercourse and they will heighten your fertility to unprecedented levels.

The man and the woman looked at one another and spoke as one. "Intercourse???"

Three hours later after explaining the birds and the bees with cave drawings, diagrams and a rather raunchy puppet show the man and the woman were fully equipped with all the information they'd need to finally have a child. The time had come to say their farewells.

"Now I told you there would be a price to pay. A forfeit." said the old man.

"Yes, absolutely. With all that you have done for us it is surely worth it." said the woman.

"Could you give me about 2 bucks fifty for bus fare..?"

The man looked at the hermit in horrified contempt. "What do you think we're made of money or something?!?" This disgusting old bum was trying to beg money off of them.

"Dirty panhandler! Get a job!" they kicked him, spat on him and spurned him.

Then the hermit had the audacity to turn on them, "I curse you! May your first born son be doomed to turn into a powerful corrupt lord! Acquiring and abusing his power to such extents that it drags your family name through shame for generations! And he'll kill his father and marry his mother!" The man and woman fled, the bus was at the stop and would leave any minute... and the next one wouldn't be for an hour and they were certain the hermit would make things socially awkward.

The hermit continued "No, actually that's kind of disgusting. Just the first thing. The shame thing." However the man and woman were too far away to hear this and left believing their future spawn would kill one of them and hook up with the other... and that sounded unpleasant for all concerned. Still, that would only happen if they gave birth to a boy... and what were the odds of that happening?

So 10 months later it came as a great surprise when the woman gave birth to a son. The man and woman were terrified. "What are we to do?!?" So they did the only thing they could do. They stuffed the kid in a basket and sent him off to Amish country in an effort to dodge the bullet of fate...


Utter brilliance.
 

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