Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Discussion in 'SHH Community Forum' started by WorthyStevens, Dec 29, 2007.

  1. WorthyStevens Green Man

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2005
    Messages:
    14,532
    Likes Received:
    90
    One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

    To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

    If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
     
  2. chaseter Esteemed Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2006
    Messages:
    45,874
    Likes Received:
    51
    Ahhh I remember this from SNL!
     
  3. bullets bang bang

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2005
    Messages:
    28,464
    Likes Received:
    0
    those are great , i used to own a series of jack handey books . it was great when they were read on snl it added another dimension to the funny
     
  4. WorthyStevens Green Man

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2005
    Messages:
    14,532
    Likes Received:
    90
    To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
     
  5. Addendum Registered

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2004
    Messages:
    22,127
    Likes Received:
    0
    Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

    When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
     
  6. Lighthouse Fairness, Equality, Bacon

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2003
    Messages:
    14,809
    Likes Received:
    2,036
    My personal favorite.

    "If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did.""
     
  7. chaseter Esteemed Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2006
    Messages:
    45,874
    Likes Received:
    51
    Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
     
  8. Addendum Registered

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2004
    Messages:
    22,127
    Likes Received:
    0
    If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
     
  9. chaseter Esteemed Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2006
    Messages:
    45,874
    Likes Received:
    51
    A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
     
  10. Addendum Registered

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2004
    Messages:
    22,127
    Likes Received:
    0
    I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.
     
  11. hammy American Ham

    Joined:
    May 8, 2004
    Messages:
    7,747
    Likes Received:
    0
  12. Whiskey Tango Registered

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2007
    Messages:
    25,209
    Likes Received:
    2
    It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

    Was always my favorite^^
     
  13. bored One Sexy Lemur

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2003
    Messages:
    13,282
    Likes Received:
    4
    Whether or not we find life there, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
     
  14. Joker Registered

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2002
    Messages:
    33,768
    Likes Received:
    3
    If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

    As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!!

    Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!
     
  15. WorthyStevens Green Man

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2005
    Messages:
    14,532
    Likes Received:
    90
    Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No wait, not me, you.

    Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we’re not ready. But maybe they’ll change their tune after a little torture.
     
  16. Deep Thinkin'! show meh dem fangs

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2006
    Messages:
    7,019
    Likes Received:
    0
    How was this kid you took to this warehouse?
     
  17. Joker Registered

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2002
    Messages:
    33,768
    Likes Received:
    3
    When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

    Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You."
    After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

    I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
     
  18. Halcohol Suit up

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2003
    Messages:
    11,284
    Likes Received:
    0
    I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
     
  19. fu manchu Registered

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2007
    Messages:
    4,881
    Likes Received:
    0
    "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
     
  20. fu manchu Registered

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2007
    Messages:
    4,881
    Likes Received:
    0
    I liked when SNL did this. I hope they bring it back in the future.
     
  21. BatMatt Registered

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2003
    Messages:
    9,633
    Likes Received:
    0
    Jack Handey is hilarious, they make for great away messages :)
     
  22. SWAT Pool of the Death

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2004
    Messages:
    7,198
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hahaha!! :up:
     
  23. K.B. Registered

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2004
    Messages:
    4,040
    Likes Received:
    0
    "The crows were calling his name, thought Kaw."


    This one was awesome because my cub leaders name was Kaw (after the jungle book, all the cub leaders had names fro mthat like baloo etc)
     
  24. K.B. Registered

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2004
    Messages:
    4,040
    Likes Received:
    0
    Anyone watch the SNL in the 90's special last night?
     
  25. WorthyStevens Green Man

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2005
    Messages:
    14,532
    Likes Received:
    90


    http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080412/ap_en_tv/books_jack_handey;_ylt=Aj0.wlb19D3yU8t4FA7GTtRnhVID
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice
monitoring_string = "afb8e5d7348ab9e99f73cba908f10802"