Abaddon
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I feel like venting.
Over the years Ive grown to think of myself in parts(which contributed to the problem). Much of this was because I usually exhibited two distinct temperaments : one being more shy and reserved, and the other much more vocal and outgoing. A lot of the former was based on some insane idea in my mind where I felt like I was inferior. My needs werent that important, my thoughts didnt matter, and when I knew other people had more I felt it was because I deserved less. And ugh this sooo emo, well shut the **** up and let me finish my story, or get your disinterested ass out of my thread.
Of course no one ever realized this, because I made a habit of burying my feelings. But my state of mind was completely different. And I guess over time it became a part of a bizarre code of stoicism wherein I thought somehow it was noble to put up with crap and be silent. It was also completely baseless. While my family life has always been a little chaotic, I knew my family cared about me. I was always supported by them even for things that never felt important to me. Being the youngest, I was also the favorite. I was well-behaved, Id done well in school, and never really asked much in terms of material things. But I guess all the support in the world wasnt going to shed any self-doubt. even in all that there was a secret ugliness that would drag me down into self-doubt. I still have moments now where I think back and ask why? I mean its a wonder I survived childhood being someone so fragile. The most recent idea Ive been chewing on is that it was because I may some genetic predisposition towards depression, but thats a whole other story. Eventually my self-confidence did grow and I began channeling the more assertive temperament more often. Enough so that I probably started suppressing the other. It didnt matter much because at one point I was forced into a family crisis and it completely opened me up on the inside. Everything Id every suppressed as the lesser resurfaced and I ended up flooded by everything that ever bothered me, tenfold. It was like reliving a nightmare and for time I regressed. I fell into a depression during early adolescence during the drama(and its slightly worse aftermath). And I was all Blah, Im depressed. God, life is sucky. Pain and darkness, something or other
But not all the time, and without the trendy, Im-looking-for-attention-but-still-wanting-to-keep-people-at-a-distance-because-Im-rejecting-the-world-and-being-a-nonconformist-because-I-feel-compelled-to-give-corrupt-societys-norms-the-finger appearance. Anyway over time I grew to HATE everything the lesser was, and sort of blamed him for wanting to feel crap. Naturally, he continued his metastatic existence, but I had enough control and awareness to try and keep him out of the drivers seat.
I became more introspective during the ****storm that was my teen years and became more aware of the various different personas Id developed. Each being the same, but slightly different from one another(And no, its not a DID type thing). I look back and it feels like Ive lived a million lives. Different time, different point in development, and different feelings. About a month ago I realized that each of those vaguely distinct identities have all been manifestations of both temperaments(the lesser and the greater). But even more than that, the temperaments were themselves just representations of two distinct fundamental modes of thinking in my mind. One being more aggressive, driven, and optimistic. The other being more resigned, stoic, and despondent. So the basis of my internal existence has been a struggle between these two different modes of thought and how I related them and the different forms they took. For a while I believed that I was growing into the self-confident and driven individual as I should be, but it seemed like at every positive turn the other would poke its head out and sabotage my own work. On the one hand I feel as though Im completely helpless. Nothing I do makes a difference and Im destined for failure. What ever happens happens, and theres nothing I can do about it. And to some extent I want to fail. During the more stressful reflections on myself I realized I enjoy suffering, and I always have, which is pretty sick in and of itself. I think back to all those moments in my childhood when something made me feel bad, and I know there was some secret enjoyment in that feeling. It was sort of this weird understanding, but I think as painful as it mightve been, I just liked that it felt more real to me than anything else I did. I even suspect, Id go out of my way just to feel (emotional)pain. Also the stoicism was a part of it too, because I guess I thought it was noble to suffer in silence.
On the flip side, I do want to succeed. I do want the best that I can get. Id had to make great efforts to truly fight for myself only to find the person whos really standing in the way is myself. But not exactly myself, but a different self, with different motivations, or lack thereof. So basically Ive been pulled in two directions with one voice saying It wont matter what I do. Failure and disappointment are inevitable. Ill never get what I want. Im not meant to have normal things, so I may as well not want it
" And the other saying NO! **** that ****! I deserve better. I want it all! GIMMEE, GIMMEE, GIMMEE! For a while I thought itd be best to completely remove the influence the former has over me, but then I realized that the latter isnt really developed enough because the other has usually been stronger(though I guess circumstances just allowed for that). But Ive gotten tired of having to play big brother to myself so that I can stick up for myself and not get taken advantage of. So I think of me and, theres the other, and itself, and everything in between. But anyway, I have considered the idea that both temperaments existed because of one another. Sort of like a shadow self, but less shadowy. Like there was a void that needed to be filled for a greater sense of completion, so something else was put in its place. Theres also trouble in that I think both are probably completely genuine, but making assessments gets confusing with the others that end up falling in between. Ive started thinking of them as tiny shards of glass that reflect a different point in my emotional development. They really arent that different, but distinct enough that I can feel them whenever someone makes an assessment of me. Every time Im described in one way, a piece of me resonates and I know that theres an occasion when the opposite mightve been true. I can feel all the identities and their differences(though I probably shouldnt refer to them that way, seeing as theyre actually much less than identities, and again I dont want to give the impression that I have DID. A is A, and all that. Though I have been known to dissociate on occasion, or depersonalize rather) But they have more to with perceptions than anything and theyre more or less symbolic stand-ins and variations of the interaction between the big two.(Im soooo Morgs CT circa 2005.=(
Were all different, but were supposed to be the same, or part of the same anyway. But I think the stress of it may have contributed to some of the other issues that have plagued me in recent years. I think in the course of this struggle I developed some not so healthy ideas. One being a sense of superiority. Its weird because it isnt just a sense .I know this. Dont get me wrong, when I realized this I was a little horrified(or maybe I just felt like I should be) , especially considering where I came from, but what should be even stranger is that its true. Or rather I would think its true, but I know this like I know I have 5 toes on my foot. Its a little scary because its so ingrained. I know its true, even though I shouldnt. Ive spent a great deal of time trying the wear it down so that I can even accept it as a thought, but while its been easy enough for me so far to get to a point where I can make a greater effort to acknowledge it as an idea, I think I probably want to believe it because its easy. I dont want it to turn me into something arrogant and ugly, but I can stop bleh, I cant even express the thought. Its in my heart and I know it goes against my own standards, but its true. I mean it isnt, but gah! I think that in itself has also contributed to my greater sense of isolation and not-connectedness.(http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?t=209433) Though to be fair, its better now than it was a few years ago. Still, I know I dont get too attached to people more now than before and a lot of it is because Ive been hurt and disappointed in the past, but its also because I think Im better(or, more than think really). Its all incredibly frustrating. Really I know Im only getting a sense of what the two fundamental forms are, and its hard not to get confused with the different manifestations and protean representations. Im still in the ****ing cave.:cmadbutthere'sasmileylimitation:
I know much of this was born out of unpleasantness and general things I didnt have control over. But I dont want that to mean that it will continue to effect me in the same ways, and in the future when I face with harder trials. In my experience with my family its seemed like these kinds of trials, and drama leave too many scars. And I know its stupid to expect to be able to wade through s**t without getting dirty, but I dont want to be damaged any more than I already feel. I know that there are rough patches in peoples lives that leave them bitter, and bring out all kinds of ugliness in them, and I dont be one of those people. I dont want to turn into something I wouldnt be happy with. My worry is that when the next big trial that test my character comes, Ill be completely unprepared.
I think maybe my dissociative habits have a lot to with it. It was some time ago that I mentioned feeling disconnected, and its become more clear that I feel as much as Im disconnected to others, Im disconnected to myself. Probably when I was entering early adolescence I was dealing with a lot of stress, both within and without, and I felt very different. I know it sounds stupid but I remember at some point moving and changing schools and completely losing my sense of self. It was as if Id left something behind, and I kept trying to make up for the part of me that was missing. And when things became stressful and I started opening up(on the inside) I could almost recognize the person I was as a child(as what I believe is a manifestation of the Lesser, complete with feelings of inferiority and all) as separate. I remembered everything I felt, and everything Id suppressed but it was still hard to remember how[/]b I thought. I mean, I guess its true of anyone, I was so different then. And maybe on the surface I can say I was still the same person I am on, I had the same qualities and such, but something was so fundamentally different that it felt like a separate person. It was probably during adolescence that I began depersonalizing(though it mightve been in its minor stages so I wasnt even aware until much later). I still have moments every now and then where I look in the mirror or in a photograph and I feel like the person there isnt me. Like it belongs to someone else. And itll sound weird, but I did entertain the thought that maybe I actually wasnt. And that maybe my mind/soul is a replacement of what was here, and possibly whats still supposed to be here. Like my voice, my face, and my life to some extent doesnt belong to me. And I guess since Im already on the subject of revealing strange private thoughts, on some level I just dont want any of it. It isnt mine. If I could give it to someone else who would make better use of it, then I would. And well, maybe the fact that I dont want it means I dont really deserve it. Of course there are people whod say I have a lot to be thankful for, and I know I do, but if I could trade my existence for oblivion, I would because it isnt worth it to me. I want a lot and I cant have it because of who I am, and the life Ive lead, all the baggage, along with the natural sucky stuff thats part of the human condition. And well, sometimes with all these wants, and conflicting feelings, its like being in a kind of hell, so the idea of having some kind of pause from feeling anything is attractive to me. I get sick of all these thoughts and feelings, and how they conflict from each other, and analyzing how they differ, recognizing all these distinctions, the sabotage, the thoughts thinking thoughts, and suffering from myself, and I cant make it stop.
Eh, Im curious now if these are symptoms of depersonalization too. But who couldn't admit this mortal coil business is a pain in the ass
It doesnt help either that I dont think anyone else really knows me. I dont like to get too attached to people, but the ones Ive been closest to tend to get surprisingly(to me) inaccurate perceptions. And sure, some of that has to do with projecting a certain image, but I guess I forget that even the people who know me fairly well, really dont know much at all. Example- I just remembered this one occasion where I was hanging out with a friend of mine, and she mentioned something about her falling in the street or getting hit by a car(I forget which, but it was all hypothetical) and said Id probably laugh. What the Hell?! I wound NEVER do that. Considering the expectations I have of others, and the fact that I have empathy coming out of my rear , it is completely outside the realm of possibility that I could ever be so callous. And so its hard not to feel cut-off sometimes when you cant even be seen for your whole self.
But again, Ive always had trouble with these perceptions and misconceptions. Ive known myself to be so many different things, and all those things stay with me. I cant stop recognizing the distinctions. I see it other people, and I see it in myself, where its particularly damaging because for everything I can acknowledge theres an opposite that exist. I cant think in terms of absolutes, and so for every single characteristic I know theres another that counters it. Every distinction is noticeable. I can feel all of them. Its hard to focus on whats real and absolute truth when they are all real and so different. So theres me and theres the two forces that give rise to these small entities, and then the individual entities and everything wants to acknowledge. I cant pretend they dont exist. And so Ive made small efforts to put the pieces to together so that someone can see, if not me, what the big picture is. I cant tell what it is because of knowing the differences. I can see all the different nuances and inconsistencies, but I cant tell what the it is as a whole. I know all the parts and pieces, but I dont know what they mean together. I just dont see it, and thats probably because I see too much. I dont want to lose myself to myself. Although, I guess it might just be a disease of the mind that creates this extreme self-awareness, or its some pumped up by-product that comes with being self-possessed in ways that may not be healthy. Ultimately I think Id just like to know, or at least for someone else to know, and recognize the sum of all parts. What I really need is to reach a state of Becoming, and though it would mean a kind of suicide of the self, its necessary in order for me to be the person I need to be. For now Id just like myself, the other, and the small things, to have some sort of peace. Blah, its probably more complicated than I can explain, but it should make sense, mostly.
Stop looking at me like that!
Over the years Ive grown to think of myself in parts(which contributed to the problem). Much of this was because I usually exhibited two distinct temperaments : one being more shy and reserved, and the other much more vocal and outgoing. A lot of the former was based on some insane idea in my mind where I felt like I was inferior. My needs werent that important, my thoughts didnt matter, and when I knew other people had more I felt it was because I deserved less. And ugh this sooo emo, well shut the **** up and let me finish my story, or get your disinterested ass out of my thread.
Of course no one ever realized this, because I made a habit of burying my feelings. But my state of mind was completely different. And I guess over time it became a part of a bizarre code of stoicism wherein I thought somehow it was noble to put up with crap and be silent. It was also completely baseless. While my family life has always been a little chaotic, I knew my family cared about me. I was always supported by them even for things that never felt important to me. Being the youngest, I was also the favorite. I was well-behaved, Id done well in school, and never really asked much in terms of material things. But I guess all the support in the world wasnt going to shed any self-doubt. even in all that there was a secret ugliness that would drag me down into self-doubt. I still have moments now where I think back and ask why? I mean its a wonder I survived childhood being someone so fragile. The most recent idea Ive been chewing on is that it was because I may some genetic predisposition towards depression, but thats a whole other story. Eventually my self-confidence did grow and I began channeling the more assertive temperament more often. Enough so that I probably started suppressing the other. It didnt matter much because at one point I was forced into a family crisis and it completely opened me up on the inside. Everything Id every suppressed as the lesser resurfaced and I ended up flooded by everything that ever bothered me, tenfold. It was like reliving a nightmare and for time I regressed. I fell into a depression during early adolescence during the drama(and its slightly worse aftermath). And I was all Blah, Im depressed. God, life is sucky. Pain and darkness, something or other
I became more introspective during the ****storm that was my teen years and became more aware of the various different personas Id developed. Each being the same, but slightly different from one another(And no, its not a DID type thing). I look back and it feels like Ive lived a million lives. Different time, different point in development, and different feelings. About a month ago I realized that each of those vaguely distinct identities have all been manifestations of both temperaments(the lesser and the greater). But even more than that, the temperaments were themselves just representations of two distinct fundamental modes of thinking in my mind. One being more aggressive, driven, and optimistic. The other being more resigned, stoic, and despondent. So the basis of my internal existence has been a struggle between these two different modes of thought and how I related them and the different forms they took. For a while I believed that I was growing into the self-confident and driven individual as I should be, but it seemed like at every positive turn the other would poke its head out and sabotage my own work. On the one hand I feel as though Im completely helpless. Nothing I do makes a difference and Im destined for failure. What ever happens happens, and theres nothing I can do about it. And to some extent I want to fail. During the more stressful reflections on myself I realized I enjoy suffering, and I always have, which is pretty sick in and of itself. I think back to all those moments in my childhood when something made me feel bad, and I know there was some secret enjoyment in that feeling. It was sort of this weird understanding, but I think as painful as it mightve been, I just liked that it felt more real to me than anything else I did. I even suspect, Id go out of my way just to feel (emotional)pain. Also the stoicism was a part of it too, because I guess I thought it was noble to suffer in silence.
On the flip side, I do want to succeed. I do want the best that I can get. Id had to make great efforts to truly fight for myself only to find the person whos really standing in the way is myself. But not exactly myself, but a different self, with different motivations, or lack thereof. So basically Ive been pulled in two directions with one voice saying It wont matter what I do. Failure and disappointment are inevitable. Ill never get what I want. Im not meant to have normal things, so I may as well not want it
" And the other saying NO! **** that ****! I deserve better. I want it all! GIMMEE, GIMMEE, GIMMEE! For a while I thought itd be best to completely remove the influence the former has over me, but then I realized that the latter isnt really developed enough because the other has usually been stronger(though I guess circumstances just allowed for that). But Ive gotten tired of having to play big brother to myself so that I can stick up for myself and not get taken advantage of. So I think of me and, theres the other, and itself, and everything in between. But anyway, I have considered the idea that both temperaments existed because of one another. Sort of like a shadow self, but less shadowy. Like there was a void that needed to be filled for a greater sense of completion, so something else was put in its place. Theres also trouble in that I think both are probably completely genuine, but making assessments gets confusing with the others that end up falling in between. Ive started thinking of them as tiny shards of glass that reflect a different point in my emotional development. They really arent that different, but distinct enough that I can feel them whenever someone makes an assessment of me. Every time Im described in one way, a piece of me resonates and I know that theres an occasion when the opposite mightve been true. I can feel all the identities and their differences(though I probably shouldnt refer to them that way, seeing as theyre actually much less than identities, and again I dont want to give the impression that I have DID. A is A, and all that. Though I have been known to dissociate on occasion, or depersonalize rather) But they have more to with perceptions than anything and theyre more or less symbolic stand-ins and variations of the interaction between the big two.(Im soooo Morgs CT circa 2005.=(Were all different, but were supposed to be the same, or part of the same anyway. But I think the stress of it may have contributed to some of the other issues that have plagued me in recent years. I think in the course of this struggle I developed some not so healthy ideas. One being a sense of superiority. Its weird because it isnt just a sense .I know this. Dont get me wrong, when I realized this I was a little horrified(or maybe I just felt like I should be) , especially considering where I came from, but what should be even stranger is that its true. Or rather I would think its true, but I know this like I know I have 5 toes on my foot. Its a little scary because its so ingrained. I know its true, even though I shouldnt. Ive spent a great deal of time trying the wear it down so that I can even accept it as a thought, but while its been easy enough for me so far to get to a point where I can make a greater effort to acknowledge it as an idea, I think I probably want to believe it because its easy. I dont want it to turn me into something arrogant and ugly, but I can stop bleh, I cant even express the thought. Its in my heart and I know it goes against my own standards, but its true. I mean it isnt, but gah! I think that in itself has also contributed to my greater sense of isolation and not-connectedness.(http://www.superherohype.com/forums/showthread.php?t=209433) Though to be fair, its better now than it was a few years ago. Still, I know I dont get too attached to people more now than before and a lot of it is because Ive been hurt and disappointed in the past, but its also because I think Im better(or, more than think really). Its all incredibly frustrating. Really I know Im only getting a sense of what the two fundamental forms are, and its hard not to get confused with the different manifestations and protean representations. Im still in the ****ing cave.:cmadbutthere'sasmileylimitation:
I know much of this was born out of unpleasantness and general things I didnt have control over. But I dont want that to mean that it will continue to effect me in the same ways, and in the future when I face with harder trials. In my experience with my family its seemed like these kinds of trials, and drama leave too many scars. And I know its stupid to expect to be able to wade through s**t without getting dirty, but I dont want to be damaged any more than I already feel. I know that there are rough patches in peoples lives that leave them bitter, and bring out all kinds of ugliness in them, and I dont be one of those people. I dont want to turn into something I wouldnt be happy with. My worry is that when the next big trial that test my character comes, Ill be completely unprepared.
I think maybe my dissociative habits have a lot to with it. It was some time ago that I mentioned feeling disconnected, and its become more clear that I feel as much as Im disconnected to others, Im disconnected to myself. Probably when I was entering early adolescence I was dealing with a lot of stress, both within and without, and I felt very different. I know it sounds stupid but I remember at some point moving and changing schools and completely losing my sense of self. It was as if Id left something behind, and I kept trying to make up for the part of me that was missing. And when things became stressful and I started opening up(on the inside) I could almost recognize the person I was as a child(as what I believe is a manifestation of the Lesser, complete with feelings of inferiority and all) as separate. I remembered everything I felt, and everything Id suppressed but it was still hard to remember how[/]b I thought. I mean, I guess its true of anyone, I was so different then. And maybe on the surface I can say I was still the same person I am on, I had the same qualities and such, but something was so fundamentally different that it felt like a separate person. It was probably during adolescence that I began depersonalizing(though it mightve been in its minor stages so I wasnt even aware until much later). I still have moments every now and then where I look in the mirror or in a photograph and I feel like the person there isnt me. Like it belongs to someone else. And itll sound weird, but I did entertain the thought that maybe I actually wasnt. And that maybe my mind/soul is a replacement of what was here, and possibly whats still supposed to be here. Like my voice, my face, and my life to some extent doesnt belong to me. And I guess since Im already on the subject of revealing strange private thoughts, on some level I just dont want any of it. It isnt mine. If I could give it to someone else who would make better use of it, then I would. And well, maybe the fact that I dont want it means I dont really deserve it. Of course there are people whod say I have a lot to be thankful for, and I know I do, but if I could trade my existence for oblivion, I would because it isnt worth it to me. I want a lot and I cant have it because of who I am, and the life Ive lead, all the baggage, along with the natural sucky stuff thats part of the human condition. And well, sometimes with all these wants, and conflicting feelings, its like being in a kind of hell, so the idea of having some kind of pause from feeling anything is attractive to me. I get sick of all these thoughts and feelings, and how they conflict from each other, and analyzing how they differ, recognizing all these distinctions, the sabotage, the thoughts thinking thoughts, and suffering from myself, and I cant make it stop.
Eh, Im curious now if these are symptoms of depersonalization too. But who couldn't admit this mortal coil business is a pain in the ass
It doesnt help either that I dont think anyone else really knows me. I dont like to get too attached to people, but the ones Ive been closest to tend to get surprisingly(to me) inaccurate perceptions. And sure, some of that has to do with projecting a certain image, but I guess I forget that even the people who know me fairly well, really dont know much at all. Example- I just remembered this one occasion where I was hanging out with a friend of mine, and she mentioned something about her falling in the street or getting hit by a car(I forget which, but it was all hypothetical) and said Id probably laugh. What the Hell?! I wound NEVER do that. Considering the expectations I have of others, and the fact that I have empathy coming out of my rear
, it is completely outside the realm of possibility that I could ever be so callous. And so its hard not to feel cut-off sometimes when you cant even be seen for your whole self.But again, Ive always had trouble with these perceptions and misconceptions. Ive known myself to be so many different things, and all those things stay with me. I cant stop recognizing the distinctions. I see it other people, and I see it in myself, where its particularly damaging because for everything I can acknowledge theres an opposite that exist. I cant think in terms of absolutes, and so for every single characteristic I know theres another that counters it. Every distinction is noticeable. I can feel all of them. Its hard to focus on whats real and absolute truth when they are all real and so different. So theres me and theres the two forces that give rise to these small entities, and then the individual entities and everything wants to acknowledge. I cant pretend they dont exist. And so Ive made small efforts to put the pieces to together so that someone can see, if not me, what the big picture is. I cant tell what it is because of knowing the differences. I can see all the different nuances and inconsistencies, but I cant tell what the it is as a whole. I know all the parts and pieces, but I dont know what they mean together. I just dont see it, and thats probably because I see too much. I dont want to lose myself to myself. Although, I guess it might just be a disease of the mind that creates this extreme self-awareness, or its some pumped up by-product that comes with being self-possessed in ways that may not be healthy. Ultimately I think Id just like to know, or at least for someone else to know, and recognize the sum of all parts. What I really need is to reach a state of Becoming, and though it would mean a kind of suicide of the self, its necessary in order for me to be the person I need to be. For now Id just like myself, the other, and the small things, to have some sort of peace. Blah, its probably more complicated than I can explain, but it should make sense, mostly.
Stop looking at me like that!
