Star Trek Into Darkness: The Spoiler FAQ
After making a mere $84 million at the U.S. box office, Star Trek Into Darkness is considered by some to be a disappointment. Perhaps the problem is that it was a touch confusing. To help our readers better understand it, we've complied and answered these Frequently Asked Questions about the movie.
Maximum spoilers ahead...
How does the movie start?
Well, with Kirk and Bones ****ing with a planet of primitive aliens. They steal some kind of holy scroll, and then get chased through a red jungle.
Seems like kind of a dick move.
Well, its not very clear, but ostensibly theyve stolen the scroll to get chased, in order to draw the aliens away from a volcano thats about to explode.
Okay, that seems reasonable.
Except that 1) when the volcano erupts, its going to kill everybody on the planet, so it hardly matters where they are, and 2) Spock is getting dropped down into the volcano to set off a cold fusion bomb.
Wait, what?
Yeah, he sets off the cold fusion bomb and all the lava freezes.
You know cold fusion isnt actually cold, right? Its only cold in the sense that opposed to regular fusion its not a bazillion degrees hot.
Huh.
And did you say Spock was in the volcano? Why the hell didnt they just beam the bomb in there?
Um, something about the planets magnetic field. Although they do beam Spock out of the volcano just a few minutes later, so
And why did Spock have to go with the bomb to set it off? Are you telling me in the 23rd century that people dont have a way to detonate bombs remotely? Thats stupid.
Well
And why the **** is the Enterprise just carrying around a cold fusion suitcase bomb anyways?
Look, youre getting very upset, and this is just the first scene of the movie.
Okay, fine. What happens next?
Well, Spocks zipline breaks, so hes stuck in the volcano, The Enterprise is underwater, so Kirk cant ascend without the aliens seeing it, thus breaking the Prime Directiv
WHAT.
The Enterprise is parked in the ocean.
Thats ridiculous. Even the ship designed to function in the vacuum of space could handle the pressures underwater which Im 99% sure it cant even if the thrusters could function underwater, which makes no sense and even if the ship could survive flying out of the water without the insanely large surface area of the front part snapping off like a twig why the ****ing **** did they park it underwater instead of just hanging out in space like they were supposed to?!
Because J.J. Abrams saw the Helicarrier scene from Avengers and got jealous, I guess.
Look, I know Star Trek is science fiction, but hasnt Trek always at least nominally tried to get science right? Shouldnt a Star Trek movie give the tiniest **** about such things?
One might presume.
UGH.
Lets just move on. So Kirk rescues Spock, breaks the Prime Directive by showing themselves to the aliens, the aliens start worshipping the Enterprise, Spock sends a report to Starfleet on what happened, Kirk gets busted, Kirk is removed as Captain of the Enterprise.
What?
Yeah. You know how the first movie was all about Kirks journey from a rebellious kid to a more mature leader of men?
Yeah?
Well, were doing that again!
I repeat, UGH.
Meanwhile, Roses boyfriend Mickey from Doctor Who puts a ring in a glass and blows up the Starfleet library in London.
Why does he do that?
In exchange for Benedict Cumberbatch saving his sick kid. This forces all the Starfleet bigwigs including Pike, whos reinstated as the captain of the Enterprise and Kirk, who becomes Pikes first officer to meet at very specific room with large windows at Starfleet HQ to discuss the situation.
That sounds like a bad idea.
As it turns out, it is. Cumberbatch bombed the library just to get all the heads of Starfleet in this room, so he can use a small gunship and shoot the hell out of everyone in it. Pike dies before Kirk manages to destroy the ship with a fire hose, and Cumberbatch beams away.
Pike dies? He doesnt get in his little wheelchair box?
Alas, no. Because everything is about Kirk, Kirk uses the opportunity to ask Starfleet Admiral Peter Weller for permission to take the Enterprise and go kill the **** out of Benedict Cumberbatch. Weller accepts. After Scotty somehow figures out that Cumberbatch has gone to the Klingon homeworld, Weller gives the Enterprise 72 experimental new photon torpedoes and says when they locate Harrison, they need to just bomb him from orbit.
Eesh. So that kill the **** out of Benedict Cumberbatch thing was literal, huh?
Very much so.
That
that doesnt seem very Starfleet-y to me.
Well, it doesnt seem very Starfleet-y to Spock, either, who points out to Kirk that its both legally and morally wrong to kill even a known terrorist without a trial. But Kirk really, really want to get revenge for Pike, even to the point of firing Scotty when Scotty refuses to allow the mysterious photon torpedoes on board unless he can see whats in them (something to do with them maybe ****ing up the warp engine).
Kirk fires Scotty? What kind of a Star Trek film is this?
Well, he accepts Scottys resignation, but I think your question stands. Anyways, Carol Marcus who is Admiral Peter Wellers daughter, although were not supposed to know this, and who also has an English accent for some reason sneaks on board, because shes a weapons specialist and interested in the torpedoes.
Wasnt Carol Marcus a molecular biologist in the original Trek universe?
Yeah, I assume the career switch is Eric Banas fault.
So then what?
Then Kirk finally decides that murdering a man in cold blood possibly isnt the right thing to do, and announces they are going to try to catch Benedict Cumberbatch alive. They head to Kronos and are pretty much immediately caught by Klingons, but are saved by Benedict Cumberbatch.
Huh? Why does he save them?
I think mostly to show what a supreme badass he is, since he takes them all out simultaneously, including a few ships, thanks to a very big gun. And then he surrenders.
Huh? What? Why?
Well, he finds out about the weird torpedoes specifically, the number of them, which is 72 and then surrenders. Theres actually a reason.
Which is?
Well, as Kirk finds out when he interrogates Benedict Cumberbatch, Cumberbatch made the torpedoes for Peter Weller, and inside each torpedo is one of his cryogenically frozen people, because as it turns out that Cumberbatch is actually
Khan.
Arent you shocked? Arent you surprised at this incredible reveal?
No, Im just angry. When the movie was announced, Abrams and whoever clearly stated that Cumberbatch would be playing a canon Trek character, and everybody guessed it was Khan. Then they promised he wasnt playing Khan. And then they said Cumberbatchs characters name was John Harrison, even though theres no previous Trek character named John Harrison, and again we knew it was Khan. And they tried to make it this whole big mystery as if we were all morons who had some how forgotten a classic Trek character named John Harrison, like they were actually going to pull one over on us when we were telling them over an over again that we knew it was Khan and the only thing they were accomplishing by denying it was 1) being *******s and 2) insulting our intelligence.
Well
And furthermore, using Khan just proves that nu-Trek is going to be nothing more than the greatest hits version of Star Trek, and not even the original hits some new band covering the old hits. It means that Abrams doesnt have any original ideas for Star Trek, and is content to rehash the **** people enjoyed the first time. Of all the classic Trek characters to bring back, of all the classic stories they could have brought to mass audiences for the first time, or even bad stories that they could have improved, they go with the one character everybody already ****ing knows because they think all we want to see is the same old ****.
You seem to have strong feelings about this.
I do. Also, did you say Khan put his frozen people in torpedoes?
Yes.
Hes a brilliant strategist and thats the best plan he could come up with? To hide the people he so desperately wanted to save in explosives? What the **** was he going to do if Kirk hadnt conveniently had all those torpedoes on him? And why did Peter Weller give Kirk all 72 torpedoes to kill a single dude in the first place?
um
Eric Bana?
**** you.
Dont shoot the Frequently Asked Question Answerer, please. Anyways, Kirk verifies the frozen torpedo people with thanks from Carol Markus and Bones, gets some coordinates from Khan, and calls Scotty, the person hed so recently let go and asks him to check it out. As it turns out, Peter Weller is building a giant combat starship out there because he wants to militarize Starfleet because hes certain were going to meet more races like the Klingons and also because hes a dick. Weller is also the one who found Khan floating in space, woke him up, and forced him to use his intellect and powers to make badass weapons for him.
Why was Khan floating in space?
Actually, this Khan has the same origin as the original Khan; hes a genetically engineered warrior, created for the Eugenics Wars of the 1990s. He ruled part of Asia befor
Wait, what? The Eugenics Wars of the 1990s?
Yes.
We didnt have any Eugenics Wars in the 1990s, unless you count Dawsons Creek.
Yeah, but Gene Roddenberry didnt know that when he created Khan in 1967.
But we do, because its 2013.
But its canon! Dont you like canon?
I like it when it doesnt get stupid. And why the hell would Abrams and crew stick to Khans origin timeline, even though it makes zero sense, but also suddenly change him to a white dude? Thats cherry-picking the stupidest parts of canon and non-canon!
I dont know. I think its nice that in this day and age, a white male can still be cast as an Indian played by a Mexican. White men really have come a long way!
Im going to punch you in your throat.
Anyways, thats Khans deal. Weller flies the Killerprise to meet Kirk and steal his prisoner, so he 1) doesnt get caught being an evil dick and 2) can continue being an evil dick and militarize Starfleet. He beams his daughter onto his ship, and then starts firing. The Enterprise takes more direct hits than it does in the entirety of the original TV series.
Huh.
But before Weller fires the final shot, Scotty, who has snuck upon the Killerprise and apparently been waiting for this exact moment, resets the Killerprises power, forcing it to boot back up like Mac (and almost as long). Since the Enterprise has no weapons or shields, Kirk takes the opportunity to team up with Khan and they fly over to the Killerprise; Scotty lets them in.
What?
Yeah, Kirk teams up with Khan! Isnt that cool? The two enemies, forced to work together to take out a greater enemy?
No, because Khans an *******. Kirks being a moron.
In Kirks defense, it only takes him 5-10 minutes to realize hes made a horrible mistake. This mistake is confirmed when they reach the bridge and Khan beats the **** out of Kirk and Scotty, breaks Carols leg, and crushes Peter Wellers head in his hands.
Yeah, thats pretty much what I figured.
Meanwhile, Spock calls old Spock to ask him what the deal with this Khan guy is.
I thought Old Spock has agreed never to tell New Spock anything so he could live his own life and all that jazz.
Yes. And we know this because Spock says I had vowed never to tell you anything of your future because I want to live your own life and blah blah blah just before adding but Khan is an ******* and heres exactly how we defeated him.
Sigh.
Khan offers to trade Kirk and the others for his people and their torpedo beds, which acting captain Spock agrees to. Of course, Spock arms all the torpedoes right before Khan beams them over, so the Killerprise explodes (although not before shooting the Enterprise several million more times).
Brilliant strategist, eh?
He was a little excited. Also, he still had Peter Wellers skull juice all over his hands; that would distract anybody.
So were done?
By no means. The Enterprise is pretty much dead and has entered Earths orbit, meaning it's falling really, really fast. The problem is that the warp drive is misaligned, so
Wait a minute. I know whats happening here.
so the ship cant stop falling, but the warp drive room is full of radiation and
Goddammit. GODDAMMIT
so Kirk runs into the Warp Drive room and kicks it back into place
OH GOD ITS KIRK THIS TIME THATS EVEN WORSE
and then Spock realizes whats happened and he runs down to the room where he sees Kirk dying behind the locked glass door and
AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH
and Kirk puts his hand on the glass and Spock puts his hand on the glass and he makes the Vulcan salute and Kirk dies and
NO DONT YOU SAY IT
Spock
NO GODDAMMIT DONT YOU SAY IT
Spock yells
AAAAUUUUUUUUURRRRRRGRGGGGGGHHHHH
Khhaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn!
****.
Why dont you like it?
I liked it just fine, the first time I saw it in Wrath of Khan. Of course, the reason I like it is is because Kirk and Spocks friendship has been part of pop culture for 15 years, so Spocks death and Kirks anguish was given some actual agency, instead of now, when Kirk and Spock have known each other for four hours of screentime, two of which they didnt like each other. I also liked it the first time because it was new and not a crass, creatively bankrupt attempt to manipulate the audiences emotions, not through sadness because theres clearly no way Kirk is actually going to stay dead, but because the scene is nothing more HERE IS SOMETHING YOU HAVE SEEN BEFORE WITH A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE SO YOU WILL LIKE IT as opposed to even trying to give us something, anything, genuinely new.
Oh.
So next movie is The Search for Kirk, I suppose?
Nah. See, Bones drew some of Khans blood to figure out why he was so strong and resilient, and he injected it into a dead Tribble because
because I suppose Bones hobby is inject dead things with various peoples blood? Its a little weird.
/sound of facepalm
As it happens, as soon as Bones hears Kirk has died, the dead Tribble comes back to life, thanks to Khans blood!
/sound of gun being loaded
The Killerprise has crash-landed on San Francisco, and Khan is of course fine despite the destruction of many, many high-rise buildings and thousands upon thousands of people. Spock chases Khan down, they have a fist fight on top of some moving flying cars, and with help from Uhura they get their man. And they bring Kirk back to life!
Uh-huh. So theyve just eliminated death forever.
Beg pardon?
Kirk was dead for many, many minutes of radiation poisoning, right? He gets injected with Khans blood
A synthesized version of it.
even better. So what wouldnt Khans blood fix? Decapitation, but most other mortal wounds? Poisons? Phaser blasts, I bet. Certainly most other illnesses and cancers and such. And probably aging, at leats to an extent. So basically Bones has discovered the secret to eternal life, and not only will no one on the Enterprise ever need to die again unless their body is somehow destroyed, but all of the civilization heck, probably galactic civilization will be irrevocably changed because of this amazing discovery.
Uh, I dont think so. I think they just save Kirk and then forget about it.
Of course they do. And I suppose the Tribble that Bones brought back to life multiplies like Tribbles do and causes its own horrible situation?
No, its just not mentioned again. Maybe Bones kills it with his bare hands to keep it from spawning. Or maybe he injects it with Mountain Dew or something, since thats how he rolls.
/sound of gun being cocked
And then Kirk gives a speech at Starfleet a year later, because everything is all about him, and then they start on their five-year mission! Which will almost certainly involve Space Whales, since thats the next biggest thing people remember about Star Trek. The end!
