Batman Begins Five-Minute Batman Begins

YOUNG BRUCE: Hmm... I'm growing up in an idyllic setting...

EUROPEANS: Here we come to invade and enslave you all!

YOUNG BRUCE: Oh, I'm sorry. You're supposed to be in The New World.

EUROPEANS: Do we have to? It stars COLIN FARRELL.

YOUNG BRUCE: That's your problem. Anyway, where was I?

KATIE HOLMES: Is our existence not idyllic and serene? It's be a shame if this serenity were to be shattered by some traumatic act of violence.

YOUNG BRUCE: Yes, that would be... wait a minute, I'm growing up with Katie Holmes? Holy ****, I'm in Dawson's Creek!

PAULA COLE: I don't wanna wait... for our lives to be over, doo do doo do do doo...

***

BRUCE: Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Oh, wait... it was all just a dream. Just a horrible dream...

CHINESE MAN: Well... You're safe and sound now, back in good old Chinese prison camp.

BRUCE: CHINESE PRISON CAMP!!!

***

CHINESE MAN: Some thugs want to kill you.

BRUCE: Can't they kill me before breakfast?

CHINESE MAN: Hey, I worked hard making this stuff. You don't have to be so mean about it.

***

MORGAN FREEMAN: I wish I could tell you that Bruce fought the good fight, and the thugs let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Bruce would show up with fresh bruises. The thugs kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Bruce - that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him.

***

DUCARD: So, solitary confinement?

BRUCE: Yeah.

DUCARD: Sucks, doesn't it?

BRUCE: Yeah.

DUCARD: Wanna be a ninja?

BRUCE: DO I!?

DUCARD: Okay then, I want you to bring me a flower.

BRUCE: Look, man, I don't swing that way, I don't care what Wertham says...

***

BRUCE: Oh League of Assassins, I have brought you your flower.

DUCARD: It is a good flower. I especially like the stem... but there is one small problem.

BRUCE: What is that?

DUCARD: We are now... no longer the League of Assassins!

BRUCE: What? Why?

DUCARD: When you think about it, assassin is just the words ass and in. And we don't like things in our ass! Well, except for Larry.

LARRY: Hello sailor!

DUCARD: We are now the League of Shadows. Therefore, we must give you one more test.

BRUCE: Name it.

DUCARD: You must find... another flower!

[dramatic chord]

BRUCE: Not another flower!

DUCARD: Then, when you have found the flower, you must place it here beside this flower, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.

LEAGUE OF SHADOWS: A path! A path! A path!

DUCARD: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!

[dramatic chord]

***

GOYER: See what I'm doing here? I'm starting in media res and flashing back to Bruce's origins. Isn't that just the coolest...

AUDIENCE: You mean, like Burton did in the original Batman?

GOYER: ...Goddamnit.

***

BAT-DAD: What's that Katie?

KATIE: Ruff ruff!

BAT-DAD: Brucie fell down a well!?

***

BAT-DAD: Why do we fall, Bruce?

YOUNG BRUCE: So that we can learn how to pick ourselves up?

BAT-DAD: No. So that other people can point at us and laugh. But how do we recoup?

YOUNG BRUCE: By turning it into a breakdance?

BAT-DAD: My boy.

*

DUCARD: Bruce Wayne, meet Ra's Al Ghul.

BRUCE: Honor to meet you. It's not every day you meet an Al Ghul belonging to a Sun God.

RA'S AL GHUL: ...Goddamnit Wayne.

DUCARD: Tell us... what do you fear?

BRUCE: There are only two things I fear in this world... and one of them is bats... FLASHBACK! (makes Wayne's World noises)

DUCARD: Wait a minute, wait a minute, what's the other thing you fear?

BRUCE: Carnies.

DUCARD: What?

BRUCE: Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Small hands. And they smell like cabbage.

***

YOUNG BRUCE: Ahh! Ahhhhh! Trinity! No!

BAT-DAD: Bruce, what's wrong? Did you dream about bats again?

YOUNG BRUCE: Yeah...

BAT-DAD: Do you know why they attacked you?

YOUNG BRUCE: No.

BAT-DAD: Because you touch yourself at night. So knock it off. Well, g'night son, I'm gonna go get hammered.

***

BRUCE: On recent thought, nostalgia may have painted a brighter picture of my parents than strictly true. Flashback!

***

BAT-DAD: Hey, like the monorail? I built it!

YOUNG BRUCE: How'd you do that, dad?

BAT-DAD: Well, it happened like this... FLASHBACK!

***

BAT-DAD: Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail!
What'd I say?

NED FLANDERS: Monorail!

BAT-DAD: What's it called?

PATTY & SELMA: Monorail!

BAT-DAD: That's right! Monorail!

CROWD: (chanting) Monorail... monorail... monorail...

MISS HOOVER: I hear those things are awfully loud...

BAT-DAD: It glides as softly as a cloud.

APU: Is there a chance the track could bend?

BAT-DAD: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

BARNEY: What about us brain-dead slobs?

BAT-DAD: You'll be given cushy jobs.

ABE: Were you sent here by the devil?

BAT-DAD: No, good sir, I'm on the level.

WIGGUM: The ring came off my pudding can.

BAT-DAD: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Gotham's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

ALL: Monorail!

BAT-DAD: What's it called?

ALL: Monorail!

BAT-DAD: Once again...

ALL: Monorail!

MARGE: But East End's still all cracked and broken...

BART: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!

ALL: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
[big finish]
Monorail!

HOMER: Mono... D'oh!

***

BAT-DAD: And that's how it happened!

YOUNG BRUCE: That's all well and good, but what about the man in red and blue spandex and the other guy with tentacles fighting on that train?

BAT-DAD: Pah! Being able to clearly make out cool action... that's for beatniks!

***

YOUNG BRUCE: Ahhhh! Ahhh!

BAT-DAD: What's wrong? Is this opera reminding you of the bats?

YOUNG BRUCE: No, it's by Andrew Lloyd Webber!

***

YOUNG BRUCE: So, we're going home?

BAT-DAD: Yes. There I'll sign the papers on your arranged marriage to Charisma Carpenter, fax those pictures of what really happened at the Kennedy assassination, and submit my foolproof plan on adapting Watchmen to the big screen. Hey, let's take a detour through that scenic dark alley.

JOE CHILL: Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

BAT-DAD: Awww, goddamnit...

JOE CHILL'S GUN: Bang! Bang!

BAT-DAD: I regret I have but one life to give for the underprivileged!

MARTHA: This hurts almost as much as being named Martha!

BAT-DAD: Bruce...

YOUNG BRUCE: Yes father?

BAT-DAD: Remember the theme of the film...

YOUNG BRUCE: Don't be afraid?

BAT-DAD: My boy... Rosebud!

***

YOUNG GORDON: Hey, son... wouldn't it be ironic if when we grew up, we fought crime together?

YOUNG BRUCE: Isn't this a little much? Establishing a connection this early in the movie is pointless and way too cute. What's next?

CLARK: Hi, I'm visiting from Smallville... fresh episodes every Wednesday on the WB. And don't miss Superman Returns, coming Summer 2006!

YOUNG BRUCE: Asshat.

***

NOT QUITE AS OLD ALFRED: It wasn't your fault, Bruce. It was the guy who shot them's fault.

YOUNG BRUCE: Wow, I never thought of it that way... Michael Caine! What are you doing in a summer blockbuster!?

NOT QUITE AS OLD ALFRED: What are you, kidding? Anything is a step-up from Jaws: The Revenge.

***

BRUCE: So now you're going to teach me to be a ninja, right?

DUCARD: Yes... there are three things you must know about ninjas.
1. Ninjas are mammals.
2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

BRUCE: So, now we spar?

DUCARD: Yeah, pretty much.

***

DUCARD: It was not your fault your parents died... it was Andrew Lloyd Webber's!

BRUCE: Ha!

SWORD: Ching!

DUCARD: Wooha!

BRUCE: Tag!

DUCARD: Careful! If your head comes away from your neck, it's over!

BRUCE: Ah-ha! Got you!

DUCARD: You haven't beaten me. You've sacrificed sure footing for a killing stroke.

ICE: Crash!

***

CLARENCE: Bruce Wayne broke through the ice and died at the age of twenty-five.

GEORGE BAILEY: That's a lie! Bruce Wayne went to war on crime - he saved the lives of every man in that city.

CLARENCE: Every man in that city died! Bruce wasn't there to save them, because you weren't there to save Bruce.

***

DUCARD: Rub your chest, your arms will take care of themselves.

BRUCE: Okay...

DUCARD: Good, now stroke your nipples. Not that hard, you're not punishing them, you're playing with them.

BRUCE: Okay, this is getting kinda creepy... I'm gonna have a flashback now.

DUCARD: Sure, sure... Now lick 'em a little... oh yeah... that's the stuff...

***

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Stately Wayne manor... just the way I remember it...

ALFRED: ****, he's coming! Hide the keg! Bill, get that lampshade off your head! Hurry! Hurry!

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Alfred... 'sup?

ALFRED: Nothing much. Have you come back for Joe Chill's parole hearing?

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Oh, yeah, that too...

***

KATIE: Bruce, we all loved your parents. What Chill did is unforgivable...

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Then why is your boss letting him go?

KATIE: Because in prison he shared a cell with Carmine Falcone. He learned things and he'll testify in exchange for early parole.

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Everybody got that?

***

AUDIENCE: Hey! Joe is rehabilitated and remorseful... what an interesting twist! Will Bruce...

ASSASSIN: Dead men say what.

JOE CHILL: What?

ASSASSIN: Die!

AUDIENCE: Okay... that works too.

***

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: The man who killed my parents is dead... now I'll never get revenge!

KATIE: Don't worry, you can still shift the blame to someone else... like Carmine Falcone, who's responsible for all the crime in this city!

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: That's right, crime is society's fault. And in the end, that fault can always be traced to old, rich white men. (wink)

***

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Carmine Falcone, I'm not afraid of you!

FALCONE: What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you'd come to me in friendship, then this scum that ruined your parents would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Where did that come from?

***

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Hey! I, a very wealthy man, need to switch coats with you, a lowly street hustler.

BUM: Why are we trading places?

EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, this gives me an idea...

To be continued...

 

Don't take it too seriously. The Fivers have always been meant as a way of relieving the tension and furious debate and *****ing which always accumulate on message boards. Look, I have a testimonial.

In the end, movies are about having fun. I make Fivers to remind people of that. Think of them as loving satire. Just because I lampoon the faults doesn't mean I didn't enjoy (or intend to enjoy) the movie.

Well, except for Five-Minute Elektra. Watch your back, Garner.