Friends - the dark side of it

[Spider-Who?]

this'll probably make me sound like a whinny 13 year old (i'm 24), but I'm a little drunk, and this is on my mind....



Have you ever slowly lost all your friends? Or a good majority of them? How do you handle that? Find new ones? Sit in front of your tv alone every night? Try to get them back? Get mad at them? Say "hey, no worries"?

I ask, cause, i wonder if anyone else is in (or has been in) my situation:

Over the course of a year, all of my friends have slowly forgotten about me. Its mostly due to us getting older, and their own relationships becoming more and more serious. What once used to be an incredibly tight nit group of friends has slowly started to disband. Not really from each other, but more so from me. Its like all of them have one by one said "meh, don't really much care about him anymore". it wasn't like there was any drama...we were all brothers. I had tried to keep that connection many times, all with the same very encouraging response from them, only to be disappointed by a lack of any commitment. Hell, when i went through a horrible break up just weeks before the wedding, became really depressed and was contemplating suicide (for issues far greater than just the break up) - i told my friends i really needed help during a very intense conversation regarding the matter. i didnt hear from any of them for over a month (and thats cuz I contacted THEM). I've given up hope on them, at this point after more of the same.

I "had" more friends, but sadly, the ex fiance and I shared a large number of friends, and the magority of them took her side in the breakup (its amazing to see where loyalties lie where large boobs come into play).

And now, my best friend/roommate has gotten into a "serious" relationship with get this - my ex's best friend. So I never see him anymore cause "she" doesnt want to be near me or in my house.

So long story, I'm very close to not having ANY friends anymore. I used to be a very happy individual, with not a whole lot of free time due to friends always wanting to hang out...but now...every last "good friend" or "brother" even has turned their backs on me...even during my most important times of need.

rant over/

 

[Wiseman]

Making friends is easy, just be the person everyone else wishes they were and they will flock to you. Picking which ones to keep is the hard part, don't have time to answer all their calls

 

[MadVillainy]

Get out and do stuff if you want more friends
If you're still kind of tight with at least one of your friends, then build that relationship to be cooler with him but to also meet more ppl

 

[Spider-Who?]

well, if it was easy, i'd be doing it. not to mention i'm usually a severe introvert when in groups of people i don't know.

but this isnt a thread just about me; i'm curious to see if others go through this, and what they have done

 

[enterthemadness]

this'll probably make me sound like a whinny 13 year old (i'm 24), but I'm a little drunk, and this is on my mind....



Have you ever slowly lost all your friends? Or a good majority of them? How do you handle that? Find new ones? Sit in front of your tv alone every night? Try to get them back? Get mad at them? Say "hey, no worries"?

I ask, cause, i wonder if anyone else is in (or has been in) my situation:

Over the course of a year, all of my friends have slowly forgotten about me. Its mostly due to us getting older, and their own relationships becoming more and more serious. What once used to be an incredibly tight nit group of friends has slowly started to disband. Not really from each other, but more so from me. Its like all of them have one by one said "meh, don't really much care about him anymore". it wasn't like there was any drama...we were all brothers. I had tried to keep that connection many times, all with the same very encouraging response from them, only to be disappointed by a lack of any commitment. Hell, when i went through a horrible break up just weeks before the wedding, became really depressed and was contemplating suicide (for issues far greater than just the break up) - i told my friends i really needed help during a very intense conversation regarding the matter. i didnt hear from any of them for over a month (and thats cuz I contacted THEM). I've given up hope on them, at this point after more of the same.

I "had" more friends, but sadly, the ex fiance and I shared a large number of friends, and the magority of them took her side in the breakup (its amazing to see where loyalties lie where large boobs come into play).

And now, my best friend/roommate has gotten into a "serious" relationship with get this - my ex's best friend. So I never see him anymore cause "she" doesnt want to be near me or in my house.

So long story, I'm very close to not having ANY friends anymore. I used to be a very happy individual, with not a whole lot of free time due to friends always wanting to hang out...but now...every last "good friend" or "brother" even has turned their backs on me...even during my most important times of need.

rant over/

Well, the easy thing to do is say '**** them' and make new friends.

 

[Majic Walrus]

The key is to stop thinking about those people that you've "lost touch with" as friends. The next step is to ignore the need for friends, it will make you stronger if you deal with it alone. There's something to be said for companionship, but that thing isn't being there for your when you're down. That's only part of something greater.

Next remove all drama from your life, this can be done by being less dramatic. The less dramatic you are the fewer problems you'll have with friends and coworkers. Eventually you'll stop giving a **** about other people and their insignificant problems.

At that point you'll probably either have some friends or not, but you won't care because you'll be there.

 

[Kane52630]

Get out and do stuff if you want more friends
If you're still kind of tight with at least one of your friends, then build that relationship to be cooler with him but to also meet more ppl

exactly, me and my friends going to the movies mostly every weekend and we are getting some fireworks for the 4th of July and have some fun

 

[Lunar_Wolf]

Ah, good sir, I'm diving into such a situation at the moment. I have many friends, but I only have two close friends. Both seem to be drifting away from me.

Friend A-Has been living by himself since he was 18 because his family are druggies and never bothered to make contact with him. My family have played family towards him. Having him over for xmas, giving him a birthday and so on. In recent months he has slowly been drifting away. He used to call me up at times and say lets hang out now, which is cool. We used to hang out 3 times a week at least. But now he might call once a week and be like ''Let's meet up in two weeks time at 5pm-6:15pm''. His always saying he has to do his apartment or has to work(he hands leftlets out maybe 4-5 times a week-9am-3pm). Since getting his life on track, he seems to not need to come up to my place anymore or be around my family and I. When I do see him, he does not seem interested in what you have to say. My family don't like him anymore because my sister was out one night and town was getting rough so she called him(his apartment is in town) so she could call a taxi from there, but he said no. He never lets people in his apartment. I have been in it 3-4 times maybe. I find his attitude stinks.

Friend B-We are like bothers, but his problem is, when he makes new friends, he focuses mainly on them and forgets about his current friends. He currently made a new friend at work(who I know btw) and is constantly with that person and never calls to hang out anymore.

Now last week I was going out because another friend of mine was going to America for 3 months. I invited friend B out, but said he was working. The night after going out I was meant to see Drag Me To Hell with friend A. I invited friend B along, but said he will if he is not working. The night I was going out, I got a call from friend A saying he was going to Drag Me To Hell that night with friend B and was wondering was I coming. I said no, because you both knew I was going out tonight and we planned to go the next day.

Clearly they both have been avoiding me, but I'm not going to say %$£@ you to both of them. From past experiences you will look like the bad guy from doing that. My plan is to treat them, the same way they have been acting towards me. I'm not going to EVER invite friend A to my house or invite him over for the holidays. It's only a matter of time before he needs my help again and I won't be there for support. I will not contact him, but if he contacts me, I will play Mr. nice guy, but without that friendly support I once gave me. He is on his own.

Friend B, friendships always ends, and when his one does, I won't invite to hang out with my other friends like I used to do. He is on his own in the department. I won't give him support like I used to.

If I do meet them in person, I will act nice, but be distant with my business. From past experiences, if you tell people to &^^$ off, they will just spread lies about you and so on. You got to be careful.

 

[The Guard]

I have what I consider two good friends. I hardly ever see them. They're still my friends, though. There are another half dozen or so people I consider true friends, and a bunch of people I get along with fairly well.

People change, people have lives, and as you grow up, you have less and less free time to spend with friends. Throw significant others and families into the mix...and what do you expect to happen?

You can't force people to like you, or to hang out with you, or even to be honest with you.

Spider, you say there was no drama involved in your situation, but clearly there was, because you talk about being depressed, suicidal, and having really intense conversations with your friends. Now I don't know your, or them, but the sad truth is that a lot of people can't handle that kind of thing, and don't want to handle that kind of thing, and don't want to be around that kind of thing.

It sounds like you and your friends have quite a bit of "drama" going on. Especially when you start talking about your roommate's relationship being one of those "Don't hang out with him" deals.

Your choices are to be alone or to go make new friends. If you're lucky, some of your older friends will drift back into touch with you, but it doesn't always work that way.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Spider, you say there was no drama involved in your situation, but clearly there was, because you talk about being depressed, suicidal, and having really intense conversations with your friends. Now I don't know your, or them, but the sad truth is that a lot of people can't handle that kind of thing, and don't want to handle that kind of thing, and don't want to be around that kind of thing.

It sounds like you and your friends have quite a bit of "drama" going on. Especially when you start talking about your roommate's relationship being one of those "Don't hang out with him" deals.

Well, when I say "drama" what I mean is, we never had any issues with eachother. No arguements or anything. The "intense" conversation I mentioned was the one time we talked about the breakup with my fiance a few weeks after it happened. It was "intense" due to my complete honesty in talking about my issues in life at that time.

I know what you mean about people not wanting to deal with negative people. But I wouldnt consider myself that. Most people would say that I'm a friendly, happy, and funny person, regardless of what I might really be feeling. And besides, I couldn't count the number of times I have helped them or they have helped eachother in bad times. What makes my time of need any different? (thats a rhetorical question).

Lunar, I'm sorry to hear that. It sucks. I hope that things work out for you both.

 

[Drakon]

Making friends is easy, just be the person everyone else wishes they were and they will flock to you. Picking which ones to keep is the hard part, don't have time to answer all their calls

Despite the obvious sarcasm, the man is indeed Wise. To pull up an old saying "A man is best judged by the company he keeps". If they don't want to, for lack of a better term, deal with you, do you really think it wise to invest in more time trying to get with them? When crap goes down in their lives, I bet they'll be quick to call you up, but when you need them, they're not available. History or not, why bother wasting your time trying to be nice to someone who doesn't deserve it, when you could be dedicating your time to getting to know someone better who may deserve it? Sure, a friend will help you move, but a good friend will help you move bodies.

Get out and do stuff if you want more friends
If you're still kind of tight with at least one of your friends, then build that relationship to be cooler with him but to also meet more people.

Being social couldn't hurt, either.

 

[PyroChamber]

The funny thing about friends is that it seems like they all come in waves. Like you'll have one wave of friends, you're really close and hangout all the time then suddenly you all start to grow apart and stop seeing each other.

Then this new wave of friends come along and it's the same, but then the old wave of friends will come out of the blue when least expect it, and it keeps going and going.

 

[simplysuperhero]

It sounds like your friends took your fiance's side. Call it politics when it comes to loyalty.

Agree with Drakon, you better move on because there probably isn't much to gain for your friends to be as alienated as you are.

Friends for males in America are based on two things: location and function.

 

[pyromaniac]

Sorry to hear about all this. I've been studying sociology of friendship this semester so these things like this interest me.

I'm one of those people who consider friendships to be everything and it makes you appreciate for what you have rather than what you don't have.

I did lose friends, at first, when I switched schools from Year 10, and after high school. My fault, my circumstances. Yet, the perspective changes when, slowly, you gain a broader spectrum of friends from different walks of life, and what's more, you manage to keep them so I am a more stable and grounded and happier person for it. And I am always making new friends. Not always, always, but you'll go to a party and you get on well and suddenly you make the effort to stay in touch, even sporadically, but as long as you keep each other in mind, when you text, when you facebook, etc, they're still my mates.

I'd count about ten people to be my best mates, which is a lot really. Some in the periphery good mates. And they have different needs and socialibilities which I complement.

By the way, I gradually got back the mates I lost from school, via facebook and it's given me a kind of closure I had always needed. A simple answer to 'what have you been up to?' is enough for me. I have also even caught up with them a couple of times. But their and our needs have changed due to circumstances, inclination to pursue own our paths/networks etc, which is fine by me. I have my own friends which I've accumulated during my young adulthood to rely on.

As for the dark side, sometimes I can be a little insecure when they don't reply straight away, or I'm not sure if I should invite them to this or that, because of sometimes where they're placed in my circles, or the timing of it, etc. Yet at the same time, I can't lose anything because if nothing happens, I can always try again, and I am encouraged at least that they think of me too.

 

[Ghostvirus]

I personally don't really have a problem making friends. I do how ever end up not likeing. I find about 90% of people annoying after a while. Also the fact that a crap load of people around my age groupd want to do nothing but Smoke, & drink. Also alienates me even more.

With that said I have always been a loner so it doesn't bother that much.

 

[redmarvel]

Do you have a sport you like to do? Check out your local community centre for activities you would enjoy. Volunteer for organizations nearby. If you're religious start doing the group things your religious organization offers. You'll meet new people and make new friends.

 

[Darthphere]

Life is like a box of chocolates. You can always throw away the coconut ones.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Do you have a sport you like to do? Check out your local community centre for activities you would enjoy. Volunteer for organizations nearby. If you're religious start doing the group things your religious organization offers. You'll meet new people and make new friends.

These are both great ways to meet new people. Joined a running group over the winter and met a bunch of cool people I hang out with every once in a while. Sometimes it sucks when friends drift away, I was really close to m high school friends and we stayed close through college, but a few years after college we really started to drift apart. Just everyone had different things going on and we couldn't meet up that much. A big part on my end was that I hung out with my college friends more and while that group has changed, with some people around more than others due to some starting families or moving out of town it's still the group I see most often. That's just life though.

 

[pyromaniac]

Agreed on both counts, amazing and redmarvel. Yes, drifting apart after school is often a large factor; it happens to most people.

And joining an activity based organisation or group is a good idea. It opens doors, even if you might not see it at the time.

As for depression, and needing friends, the way I do it is, yes I do tell a few people and they're there for me, but I tell them differently or it depends on my mood. But also I find it can lift me up just by simply spending time with anyone, so it's not so much a matter of disclosing to them, but not finding much need as time spent among company does a good job for me, personally.

 

[bullets]

The only thing I can do to make new friends is usually find someone at work with similar interests or that does something you might be interested in and hang out with them.

I have alot of friends back in massachusetts but since i've moved to florida , no one to hang out with. There is alot of people at work i could hang out with but i stopped drinking and it seems that's all they do - or smoke , which is something i've never been into.

 

[Alexia Dark]

Being in theatre, it is very common to spend 2-3 months with the same group of people for endless hours every week and become very close... only for the show to be over and we all go our separate ways. It can be a sad experience.