Matt, I know you're out there hurting right now. You have hair so bad that you have to shave it off in embarrassment. That's not right. That's why, for your birthday this year, I've gone to the great trouble and expense of getting you Mitt Romney's hair:
Now, the Colombian gentlemen whose services I used to procure this great treasure is very trustworthy. I have no doubt that he left no loose ends undone so that Mitt's hair can be traced back to you, including removing it's innate sonar homing capabilities so it can't call back to Mitt's head and identify it's location to him. However, it might be a good idea if you were to not answer the phone or the door for a few weeks. If anyone asks, you don't know me. Happy birthday, buddy!
Matt is probably the biggest ******* on these boards. Even before he was a mod, he was a giant *******. Now that he is a mod, he's an even bigger *******. But he's my ******* and I wish him a Happy Birthday. No, seriously, he's an *******.
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