At last, it can be revealed. At last, the truth must come out. What REALLY goes on behind closed doors when an X-Men editor is "improving" a writer's scripts? I recently obtained a secret audio recording of a sample session from inside Marvel's offices. Names have been changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty. I RANDOMLY selected "Pat" for the editor's name and "Jerry" for the writer's name. As far as I know, there is nobody connected with the X-Men titles at this moment who is really called "Pat" or "Jerry." (If I'm wrong, it's sheer coincidence!)
______________________
PAT: Jerry, I thought you knew the rules of the game, but now I've got to teach you the facts of life.
JERRY: What do you mean?
PAT: Jerry -- I've just read the scripts for your first story arc, and I'm shocked. I can't find anything that blatantly contradicts any previous story. You didn't retcon anybody's ancestry! You didn't have anybody with a high IQ suddenly start acting like a total moron! You didn't even arbitrarily raise somebody from the dead! Do you seriously expect me to publish this?
JERRY: B-b-but it's a GOOD story. Pathos, melodrama, romance, poetry, clues to the identity of the "mysterious new villain" before the big reveal . . .
PAT: So what? Who buys X-Men comics for that kind of stuff? They want great literature, they can go brush up on their Shakespeare!
JERRY: Now look here, Pat, I worked hard on this story! I went back and reread everything that's been published in any X-Men title in the last decade! And online summaries of just about everything that's been done to our mutant heroes ever since Chris Claremont started his FIRST long run! I did my best to "respect" and "build upon" all of it!
PAT: Exactly! That's the core of the problem! Try to forget most of that junk, will ya? Just write whatever comes naturally and don't sweat the details!
JERRY: What?
PAT: Jerry, if X-Men writers stopped contradicting each other, what would those crybaby fans have to complain about?
JERRY: Huh? I don't particularly WANT them to start whining and complaining about my first story arc! I was hoping to start off on the right foot!
PAT: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry . . . haven't you ever heard how people used to buy Ayn Rand's controversial novels just so they could underline the parts they HATED as they prepared their vigorous counterattacks?
JERRY: No.
PAT: I read something about it in a book on creative writing. The point is that it's better to be the writer many veteran fans will "love to hate" than it is to be the writer most veteran fans will "find mildly entertaining." Frank Miller has certainly figured that out with his work on "Dark Knight Strikes Again" and "All-Star Batman"!
JERRY: Somehow, slavishly imitating Frank Miller's behavior patterns is not high on my list of "Things To Do."
PAT: You'll learn, kid. You'll learn. Now, tomorrow I want you to come back to me and have a newly written page that will insert at least TWO 'retcons' or 'inconsistencies' into the plot of this story.
JERRY: Hmmm. My new villain is supposed to be the fourth Erik the Red in continuity. What if Storm, when first learning of his existence, casually mentions that this song is getting old because he is the FIFTH Erik the Red the X-Men have tangled with? Without explaining her cryptic remark?
PAT: Good start! Later on, we'll do a fancy "flashback miniseries" to explain that a few years ago there was an Erik the Red fans never heard about at the time! Maybe during that "six month gap" right before Claremont's second run! Be sure to come up with a second "contradiction" by tomorrow! In the meantime, let's move on! Right here in the middle of Part One of your story arc -- don't you think we NEED a shower scene added, say, around Pages 13 and 14?
JERRY: Not particularly. How would that advance the plot? Besides, if I remember rightly, I've already got those pages reserved for a sneaky conversation that plants a couple of subtle clues to the possible identity of my mystery villain, the newest guy to recycle the proud name of "Erik the Red"!
PAT: Clues? Who needs clues?
JERRY: But won't the readers feel "cheated" if, in Part Four, they get blindsided by the Big Reveal of which old familiar face is hidden behind "Erik's" helmet? If there hasn't been enough evidence planted earlier to let the smartest ones figure it out on their own? (Or at least narrow it down to a short list of three or four "logical" candidates?)
PAT: Jerry, you're going to have to un-learn some very bad habits. All this nonsense about logic. Our readers LIKE getting hit upside the head with a sudden "revelation" that makes no particular sense! Gives them things to argue about online -- such as whether or not the "clues" were so subtle that 99 percent of the readership was oblivious to them on the first pass!
JERRY: Even if that's true -- and I'm not saying it is -- then it's probably only true because in recent years you've already scared off all the ones who expect any "mystery story" to "play fair."
PAT: A mystery novel has hundreds of pages of pure text to play with, planting sneaky little clues all along the way. We only have 22 pages per issue, and it's mostly pretty pictures instead of dense text. Something's gotta give! If it took the fans a long time to figure out we had to concentrate more on "shock" and less on "elaborate build-up," then that's just tough! Besides, I suppose we could adjust it so that the clue-dropping conversation is being held at the same time that Psylocke is taking a shower! I'm prepared to compromise, Jerry! I hardly care what the dialogue SAYS in that scene, as long as the artist gets to DRAW HER in a shower with her hair just barely hanging down in front of --
JERRY: I get the idea. But why would she be having a strategy conference with Colossus at the SAME time she's taking a shower?
PAT: Well, Betsy could be chatting with him telepathically "long distance." Or we could find some other excuse. Remember that time back in the late 80s when she was posing in the nude for Petey while he did a painting? I don't think we've ever followed up on that!
JERRY: So now you're suggesting he asks her to pose for a sequel in the same exciting series of nude paintings? What's he going to call this one? "Portrait of a Gorgeous Mutant Babe, Ninja-Trained, Purple-Haired, Bathing"?
PAT: Now you're getting into the spirit of things! But don't have him use "Babe" in the title! It's demeaning to women!
JERRY (gaping): . . .
PAT (getting a faraway look as he envisions it): Piotr Nikolievitch Rasputin's masterpiece: "Portrait of a Gorgeous Mutant Superhero, Ninja-Trained, Purple-Haired, Bathing." Might need to tinker with the title a bit more, but it's definitely got potential!
JERRY: So calling her a "babe" is demeaning to women, but flaunting her assets as she takes a nice long shower for a couple of pages is . . . what, exactly?
PAT: An important message about public health!
JERRY: Come again?
PAT: It's a reminder to our fans that Betsy doesn't look good just because of genetics! She stays beautiful and healthy because she always worries about good hygiene!
JERRY: Ha ha ha. Doesn't everybody already know that starting a day with a bath or shower is just common sense? Not to mention that using soap and deodorant makes you smell more socially acceptable?
PAT: No, actually they don't. Jerry, how much time have you spent at any of the BIG conventions?
JERRY: You mean, like the San Diego thing? Never really bothered with them. The local shows where I lived were small potatoes by those standards.
PAT: Then you're living in a fool's paradise if you think ALL comic book fans actually got the message drummed into their heads, back in grade school, that bathing every single day is a GOOD idea!
JERRY: Wait -- have I misjudged you all these years, when I was just another reader? I always assumed you just stuck in those shower scenes to titillate frustrated fanboys enough to keep them from abandoning your books entirely and squandering their cash on Playboys instead!
PAT: Jerry, I'm shocked that you could think such a thing of me!
JERRY: Well, that was before I knew you personally. Now I'm starting to understand the way you actually think. By the way, now that you've "taught me the ropes," so to speak, I was hoping to run some ideas past you for what I want to do in my SECOND story arc --
PAT: Er, actually, Jerry, I was wanting to talk to you about that. Change of plans. It's just been decided that right after your first arc finishes, we'll be starting the colossal X-Cruciatingly X-Tended X-Ploits crossover, or "Triple X" as we're calling it in-house, so you'll need to integrate three issues' worth of scripts into the overarching premise of that convoluted series of events.
JERRY: But then I can go back to doing the kind of X-Men stories I've always wanted to tell, right?
PAT: Well, sure, as long as you make your quota by bringing back at least two dead characters per year! And five months after "Triple X," the big mutant crossover, ends, you'll need to allow a couple of issues for "Son of House of M," the next COMPANY-WIDE event! After that, you'll get at least five months before -- Jerry, STOP tearing out your hair! Every X-Men writer has to go through this "learning process!" It never killed them and it won't kill you!
___________
Just in case you need to see it:
April Fool's!
(We all know Marvel actually operates along much more rational lines, right?)
P.S. If you want to see what I did a year ago, follow these links!
Notes from the Future: Batman #1035
Notes from the Future: Spidey's 75th Anniversary
______________________
PAT: Jerry, I thought you knew the rules of the game, but now I've got to teach you the facts of life.
JERRY: What do you mean?
PAT: Jerry -- I've just read the scripts for your first story arc, and I'm shocked. I can't find anything that blatantly contradicts any previous story. You didn't retcon anybody's ancestry! You didn't have anybody with a high IQ suddenly start acting like a total moron! You didn't even arbitrarily raise somebody from the dead! Do you seriously expect me to publish this?
JERRY: B-b-but it's a GOOD story. Pathos, melodrama, romance, poetry, clues to the identity of the "mysterious new villain" before the big reveal . . .
PAT: So what? Who buys X-Men comics for that kind of stuff? They want great literature, they can go brush up on their Shakespeare!
JERRY: Now look here, Pat, I worked hard on this story! I went back and reread everything that's been published in any X-Men title in the last decade! And online summaries of just about everything that's been done to our mutant heroes ever since Chris Claremont started his FIRST long run! I did my best to "respect" and "build upon" all of it!
PAT: Exactly! That's the core of the problem! Try to forget most of that junk, will ya? Just write whatever comes naturally and don't sweat the details!
JERRY: What?
PAT: Jerry, if X-Men writers stopped contradicting each other, what would those crybaby fans have to complain about?
JERRY: Huh? I don't particularly WANT them to start whining and complaining about my first story arc! I was hoping to start off on the right foot!
PAT: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry . . . haven't you ever heard how people used to buy Ayn Rand's controversial novels just so they could underline the parts they HATED as they prepared their vigorous counterattacks?
JERRY: No.
PAT: I read something about it in a book on creative writing. The point is that it's better to be the writer many veteran fans will "love to hate" than it is to be the writer most veteran fans will "find mildly entertaining." Frank Miller has certainly figured that out with his work on "Dark Knight Strikes Again" and "All-Star Batman"!
JERRY: Somehow, slavishly imitating Frank Miller's behavior patterns is not high on my list of "Things To Do."
PAT: You'll learn, kid. You'll learn. Now, tomorrow I want you to come back to me and have a newly written page that will insert at least TWO 'retcons' or 'inconsistencies' into the plot of this story.
JERRY: Hmmm. My new villain is supposed to be the fourth Erik the Red in continuity. What if Storm, when first learning of his existence, casually mentions that this song is getting old because he is the FIFTH Erik the Red the X-Men have tangled with? Without explaining her cryptic remark?
PAT: Good start! Later on, we'll do a fancy "flashback miniseries" to explain that a few years ago there was an Erik the Red fans never heard about at the time! Maybe during that "six month gap" right before Claremont's second run! Be sure to come up with a second "contradiction" by tomorrow! In the meantime, let's move on! Right here in the middle of Part One of your story arc -- don't you think we NEED a shower scene added, say, around Pages 13 and 14?
JERRY: Not particularly. How would that advance the plot? Besides, if I remember rightly, I've already got those pages reserved for a sneaky conversation that plants a couple of subtle clues to the possible identity of my mystery villain, the newest guy to recycle the proud name of "Erik the Red"!
PAT: Clues? Who needs clues?
JERRY: But won't the readers feel "cheated" if, in Part Four, they get blindsided by the Big Reveal of which old familiar face is hidden behind "Erik's" helmet? If there hasn't been enough evidence planted earlier to let the smartest ones figure it out on their own? (Or at least narrow it down to a short list of three or four "logical" candidates?)
PAT: Jerry, you're going to have to un-learn some very bad habits. All this nonsense about logic. Our readers LIKE getting hit upside the head with a sudden "revelation" that makes no particular sense! Gives them things to argue about online -- such as whether or not the "clues" were so subtle that 99 percent of the readership was oblivious to them on the first pass!
JERRY: Even if that's true -- and I'm not saying it is -- then it's probably only true because in recent years you've already scared off all the ones who expect any "mystery story" to "play fair."
PAT: A mystery novel has hundreds of pages of pure text to play with, planting sneaky little clues all along the way. We only have 22 pages per issue, and it's mostly pretty pictures instead of dense text. Something's gotta give! If it took the fans a long time to figure out we had to concentrate more on "shock" and less on "elaborate build-up," then that's just tough! Besides, I suppose we could adjust it so that the clue-dropping conversation is being held at the same time that Psylocke is taking a shower! I'm prepared to compromise, Jerry! I hardly care what the dialogue SAYS in that scene, as long as the artist gets to DRAW HER in a shower with her hair just barely hanging down in front of --
JERRY: I get the idea. But why would she be having a strategy conference with Colossus at the SAME time she's taking a shower?
PAT: Well, Betsy could be chatting with him telepathically "long distance." Or we could find some other excuse. Remember that time back in the late 80s when she was posing in the nude for Petey while he did a painting? I don't think we've ever followed up on that!
JERRY: So now you're suggesting he asks her to pose for a sequel in the same exciting series of nude paintings? What's he going to call this one? "Portrait of a Gorgeous Mutant Babe, Ninja-Trained, Purple-Haired, Bathing"?
PAT: Now you're getting into the spirit of things! But don't have him use "Babe" in the title! It's demeaning to women!
JERRY (gaping): . . .
PAT (getting a faraway look as he envisions it): Piotr Nikolievitch Rasputin's masterpiece: "Portrait of a Gorgeous Mutant Superhero, Ninja-Trained, Purple-Haired, Bathing." Might need to tinker with the title a bit more, but it's definitely got potential!
JERRY: So calling her a "babe" is demeaning to women, but flaunting her assets as she takes a nice long shower for a couple of pages is . . . what, exactly?
PAT: An important message about public health!
JERRY: Come again?
PAT: It's a reminder to our fans that Betsy doesn't look good just because of genetics! She stays beautiful and healthy because she always worries about good hygiene!
JERRY: Ha ha ha. Doesn't everybody already know that starting a day with a bath or shower is just common sense? Not to mention that using soap and deodorant makes you smell more socially acceptable?
PAT: No, actually they don't. Jerry, how much time have you spent at any of the BIG conventions?
JERRY: You mean, like the San Diego thing? Never really bothered with them. The local shows where I lived were small potatoes by those standards.
PAT: Then you're living in a fool's paradise if you think ALL comic book fans actually got the message drummed into their heads, back in grade school, that bathing every single day is a GOOD idea!
JERRY: Wait -- have I misjudged you all these years, when I was just another reader? I always assumed you just stuck in those shower scenes to titillate frustrated fanboys enough to keep them from abandoning your books entirely and squandering their cash on Playboys instead!
PAT: Jerry, I'm shocked that you could think such a thing of me!
JERRY: Well, that was before I knew you personally. Now I'm starting to understand the way you actually think. By the way, now that you've "taught me the ropes," so to speak, I was hoping to run some ideas past you for what I want to do in my SECOND story arc --
PAT: Er, actually, Jerry, I was wanting to talk to you about that. Change of plans. It's just been decided that right after your first arc finishes, we'll be starting the colossal X-Cruciatingly X-Tended X-Ploits crossover, or "Triple X" as we're calling it in-house, so you'll need to integrate three issues' worth of scripts into the overarching premise of that convoluted series of events.
JERRY: But then I can go back to doing the kind of X-Men stories I've always wanted to tell, right?
PAT: Well, sure, as long as you make your quota by bringing back at least two dead characters per year! And five months after "Triple X," the big mutant crossover, ends, you'll need to allow a couple of issues for "Son of House of M," the next COMPANY-WIDE event! After that, you'll get at least five months before -- Jerry, STOP tearing out your hair! Every X-Men writer has to go through this "learning process!" It never killed them and it won't kill you!
___________
Just in case you need to see it:
April Fool's!
(We all know Marvel actually operates along much more rational lines, right?)
P.S. If you want to see what I did a year ago, follow these links!
Notes from the Future: Batman #1035
Notes from the Future: Spidey's 75th Anniversary
