Originally posted by That-Guy
Pitof's The Return of the King
Our story opens with a little flashback to happier times in Gollum's life (when he was only known as Smeagol). He kills his buddy Deagol (Chris Kattan) because he caught Deagol playing anal ring toss with the Onion Ring. Then we go back to Frodo, who is becoming very distressed and burdened down because the Onion Ring has become so heavy with mold that Arnold Schwarzeneggar could use it for doing bicep curls. Sam and Gollum are frequently at each other's throats because Sam is getting seriously annoyed by the way the front of Gollum's loincloth flops around like a gerbil whenever Sam or Frodo mentions Galadriel. They inch their way up the secret stair into Mordhattan. En route the pass by Cirith Ungol (Yankee's Stadium) where the Witch King sends the Yankees and all of their fans out to conquer Minas Tirith (City Hall). Speaking of City Hall, Gandalf takes Pippin there after Pippin went bowling with Saruman's Palantir and got a vision of Sauron (Donald Trump) conquering the continental United States via the business world and on his own Must See TV show... hmmm. Anyway, when they get to Minas Tirith, they find Denethor (Rudy Guliani) still lingering around and saying how great things were under his rule and how he's not going to give up his post to the supposed usurper, Aragorn. Meanwhile Aragorn and Theoden are gathering up the Ruff Riders of Rohan to go take down Sauron and the Yankee Fans. But on the eve of battle, Elrond shows up and gives Aragorn the Famed Baseball Bat of Robert Redford's Character in the Movie The Natural, which was broken in two but has now been reforged. He goes on a quest to Chicago revive Shoeless Joe Jackson and the seven other White Sox who threw the World Series in the infamous "Black Sox" scandal of 1919. Then they head on over to Minas Tirith to challenge the Yankees to a Baseball Game that will determine the fate of Middle Atlantic America. Meanwhile, Gollum gets Frodo to turn on Sam because he convinces him that Sam stole Frodo's chalupa while his back was turned (in truth, no one stole it... Frodo just didn't remember eating it because he was stoned out of his mind). So Frodo sends Sam away, and Gollum leads him into Shelob's Lair, a nightclub in downtown New York City that's owned by Tobey Maguire, and thus has sort of a Spider-Man theme to it. Frodo gets knocked out could by the huge bouncer at the club, but is rescued by Sam who turned around and followed Frodo after he realized Frodo owed him a pack of smokes. Then they head toward Trump Tower. In the meantime, the Yankees get their asses handed to them by the combined power of the Ruff Riders and the Black Sox, and Denethor sets himself on fire because he can't reach a wood tick that his imbedded itself in the skin on his back. Also, Eowyn was supposed to have a battle with the Witch King, but that was editted out in favor of a catfight between her and Arwen over who gets to get banged by Aragorn. The fight is on the battlefield, thus it results in a lot of mud wrestling and ripping-off of clothing. After the Battle of Baseball Fields is over, the remainder of Aragorn's army decides to march over to Trump Tower to draw out Sauron's army. In a scene that won't make the final cut, The Mouth of Sauron rides out to greet them and explains that he earned the rank of lieutenant by winning Sauron's "The Apprentice" competition. Then another game of baseball ensues, but things look grim for our heroes. Luckily, Frodo and Sam are nearing the end of their journey. Frodo considers throwing the Onion Ring into the Cracks of Doom (Rosie O' Donnel's wrinkled face) but decided that he's rather just eat it instead. Fortunately, it's so moldy that he hurls all over the place and the Ring falls into a crack, with Gollum following it as a chaser. Finally, after Aragorn gets crowned as the new Mayor, Frodo and the other hobbits go home for a while, but eventually Frodo leaves to go to the Grey Havens, a rest home southern Wisconsin.
