Inspired by the Movie Banter Thread

[C.F. Kane]

I wrote this for a sketch comedy group

Spoiler

YOU AIN’T HEARD NOTHIN’ YET!


​

Characters:

A Bartender

A Drunk

A Bouncer

A Misfit

A Princess


A Player

A Nerd

An A**hole



​

A bar stands center stage. Bartender is behind it cleaning up the countertop. Above the bar hangs a sign saying “One Drink at a Time”. Bouncer stands with military vigilance SR. Drunk stumbles in from the bathrooms SL carrying a brewski in each hand and singing loudly.
Drunk: I’m SIIIIIIIINGIN’ IN THE RAAAAAIIIIIIINNNN!!!! (etc.)
She lands on a barstool, still singing. Bartender takes away one of her drinks.
Drunk: Ahhhhhh! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us.
Bartender points to the sign Bartender: There can be only one.
Drunk: One’s too many, and a hundred’s not enough!
Princess and Misfit enter from the bathrooms SL. Misfit starts to order.
Misfit: Merlot.
Princess groans
Misfit: Stella?
Princess: [annoyed] If anyone order’s Merlot, I’m leaving. [to bartender] I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Bartender whips out strong drinks and starts mixing. Princess points to Misfit’s oddly stylized hair
Princess: Is that… is that hair gel?
She nods
Misfit: How do I look?
Princess: … you want answers?
Misfit: I want the truth.
Princess: You can’t handle the truth
Player and Nerd try to enter the bar, but they’re blocked by the Bouncer.
Player: Hey I’m walking here!
Bouncer: You shall not pass!
Player: You talkin’ to me?
Bouncer: Answer me these questions three. What is your name?
Player: I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.
Nerd: (weakly) I’m…Spartacus.
Bouncer: What is your quest?
Player: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.
Nerd: (tentative) Truth, justice and the American Way?
Bouncer: What is your favorite color?
Player and Nerd: Blue
Bouncer: Alright then, off you go
They pass. Player calls to the bartender.
Player: Yo Adrian! Martini; shaken, not stirred.
Nerd has glanced over at the girls. He points to the Princess, with her drink in her hand.
Nerd: I’ll have what she’s having.
Bartender: Show me the money.
They pay and are served. Misfit sees the guys and gets nervous.
Misfit: They’re here.
Player sees the Princess
Player: Hoo-ah!
He muscles over to the girls
Player: You're so money, and you don't even know it.
She’s a bit flabbergasted at his directness
Princess: I know you are, but what am I?
Player: You're lit from within. You've got fires banked down in you, hearth-fires and holocausts.
Princess: You’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you?
Player: Yeah, baby!
They both giggle a little bit
Player: I’d love to stay and chat, but I’m having an old friend for dinner.
He rushes back to where Nerd was sitting and takes a swig of his drink
Princess: Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night.
Drunk: GORT! KLAATU BARADA NIKTO!
Drunk falls off the stool. Bartender tries to the Drunk upright.
Bartender: Of all the gin joints in all the world…
Player slaps Nerd on the back, causing him to spit-take his drink.
Player: You can be my wingman anyday.
Nerd: Yeah. Definitely, definitely.
Player: [encouraging] Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
He drags Nerd to Misfit.
Player: [to Misfit] Say hello to my little friend. [to Nerd] You're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star!
Nerd approaches Misfit. There’s a pause.
Nerd: Have you ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight?
Misfit has no idea how to take this. She runs to Princess.
Misfit: Heeeelp meeee!
Princess: Make him an offer he can’t refuse.
Misfit goes back and makes the first offer she can think of
Misfit: Let’s go someplace like Bolivia!
She shocks herself. She desperately tries to figure out what she was trying to say. She looks around, awkward and confused.
Nerd: What we have here is a failure to communicate.
A**hole enters
Bouncer: You shall not pass, now answer me these questions…
A**hole grabs Bouncer by the shirt and yells into his face
A**hole: FEED ME!
Bouncer: ...as you wish.
He lets him pass. He sees Princess.
A**hole: Hoo-ah!
Bouncer realizes he needs to pee. He waves to the Bartender
Bouncer: Yo, Adrian. I’ll be back.
Bartender nods in acknowledgement. Bouncer goes into the bathroom.
A**hole goes to the Princess.
A**hole: I bet you can squeal like a pig.
Princess: What is your major malfunction?
A**hole: Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me! I wanna be dirty!
His hand lands on her shoulder, which is then quickly shoved off.
Princess: Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!
A**hole: Naughty, naughty you filthy old soomka!
Princess: Surely you can’t be serious.
A**hole: I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.
Player steps in and says to the A**hole--
Player: Get away from her you b***h.
He turns to the Player and coldly says--
A**hole: Since you're new here, I'm gonna cut you a break... today. So, why don't you make like a tree and get out of here?
Player: You gonna bark all day, little doggy? Or are you gonna bite?
A**hole: Go ahead, make my day.
Player: I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of bubblegum.
A brief scuffle between the two. They break.
Player: Don’t mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns.
A**hole: Enough is enough. I’ve had it with these mutha…
Player: STOP SAYING THAT!
A**hole is punched. He stumbles and regains his posture.
A**hole: Nobody puts baby in a corner!
A**hole lands a hard blow on Player. Player stumbles back.
Player: That's it man, game over man, game over!
A**hole: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Misfit: Germans?
Princess: Forget it, he's rolling.
Player: This is madness!
A**hole: THIS IS SPARTA!!!
Player is kicked down. They tussle on the ground.
Drunk: Attica! Attica! Attica!
She keeps chanting. Others join in until Nerd decides that the fighting must come to an end. He grabs a pot of coffee from behind the bar.
Bartender: Put that coffee down! Coffee’s for closers!
Nerd splashes A**hole’s face with the coffee.
A**hole: I'm melting! I'm melting!
Misfit grabs the pot from Nerd and finishes the job, whacking A**hole on the head. He pauses for a second, before calling out...
A**hole: Rosebud.
He goes down. There’s a moment of silence. Drunk goes to the unconscious A**hole and checks his pulse, looking at her watch.
Drunk: Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
Nerd: The horror! The horror!
The Bouncer enters from the bathroom. He sees the scene and decides that action must be taken, and fast.
Bouncer: I am duh LAW!
He pulls out a gun. Everyone gasps.
Drunk: No, please don't kill me, I wanna be in the sequel!
Bouncer: You shut the hell up Donnie you are OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT!
He indicates the body on the ground.
Bouncer: I see dead people!
Misfit points a finger at Princess
Misfit: It was beauty killed the beast!
Princess: Dirty, double-crossin' rat!
A**hole starts waking up, groaning.
Drunk: It’s alive! It’s alive!
A**hole: I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!
Princess puts her foot on his chest.
Princess: You’ve got to ask yourself one thing: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya?
Misfit waves the coffee pot menacingly. A**hole realizes he’s beat and…
A**hole: We belong dead.
He collapses and plays dead
Drunk: Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?
Bouncer: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.
He picks up the body
Bouncer: All-righty then, dead or alive, you’re coming with me.
Bouncer drags the unconscious A**hole offstage. There’s a tense moment. Misfit starts to ask for forgiveness from Princess.
Misfit: Stella?
Princess hugs her and then shrugs
Princess: Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
Player: Stella? Why don’t you come up sometime and see me?
Princess: You know you don't have to act with me. You don't have to say anything, and you don't have to do anything. Not a thing. Oh, maybe just whistle.
She starts to head out. She stops and turns back.
Princess: You know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together and... blow.
She exits. Player follows her, whistling the theme from “Close Encounters”.
Misfit: Kid, the next time I say, “Let's go someplace like Bolivia,” let's go someplace like Bolivia.
Nerd: I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
The new couple walks offstage. Bartender: Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.
Drunk: You ain’t heard nothin’ yet.

CUT​

 

[C.F. Kane]

um... bump?