Just a blank thread.

[Enite]

This is crazy. This is really f***ing insane. I don’t know who she is. I don’t know if she’s real. She says all the right things. She knows, she knows when to say them. Real life isn’t like that. Real life isn’t perfect. A girl doesn’t, doesn’t give herself to you so willingly. They don’t, make themselves vulnerable. They are stubborn creatures. I don’t mind though. It shows they are independent. But then who is she? Why? Why is this happening like this?
I woke up this morning to the slight vibration of my cell phone as it received a text message from Marissa. She had been upset. She says that I’ve been ignoring her. I feel guilty. I feel sad. I love and care about her so much. I haven’t talked to her in so long. I can’t move on yet I try. Why? I don’t tell her I try. Why? I can’t. I can’t tell her. She’ll move on. She will move on. You know that. She’s independent. She doesn’t need you. She asks you to call. You do. Why? I do.
Four years. Three and a half of them spent chasing her. I thought I had lost all hope, logically I tried to move on. That’s now that she wanted. She realized she loved me. She loves me.
Insecurity is the first emotion. Not joy. I don’t believe her, I can’t. I’ve been too vulnerable to her. I need to heal. I need to believe. She makes me believe. Not now.
Not here and not now I can’t. I can’t and I mustn’t. She doesn’t understand. She won’t. How could she? I’m guilty. I can’t make her wait. Why would she wait for me. She asks when. After graduation? That’s what she wants to hear, a when. After graduation? After graduation. After awhile it looses its inquisitive tone, and just forms a statement.
I hang up. The computer hums a few feet away. I’m f***ing tired. It’s too early for this s**t. I get up. Myspace, who doesn’t have time for that. No one, everyone can spare a f***ing minute for that s**t. New friend request, cute. She’s from Germany. Alexis. I don’t know her though.
I don’t know her though.
I don’t know her.
Now what? I send her a message. Marissa. I told you after graduation. I sent her a message. Nothing flirtatious. Nothing rude. Nothing too nice. I ask if I know her. She bluntly responds that she doesn’t. She thinks I’m cute. She wants to know if I’m single.
Marissa was insecure on the phone.
Random cute girl from out of the blue messages me. Marissa, you’re in the back of my mind. Something doesn’t seem right. Something doesn’t mesh well within my head. I write her back.
I tell her I’m talking to a girl right now, but that I am single.
Who is she.
We seem to carry on a conversation over the message sending feature for awhile.
She seems interested. She seems generally interested. I’m a nice guy, girls don’t seem to go for the “generally interested” in nice guys. Why was she talking to me? She’s twenty. I’m 17. I’m 17, 21 year old girls don’t seem to go for the “17 year old boys.”
Her profile seems legit. Reregistered it nearly two weeks ago. Who is she? I look at her friends. There amongst them. Jess. I know her. That’s Marissa’s cousin.
I talk to Lexy. I’m calling her Lexy. Something clicks, but other things don’t. She keeps trying to catch me saying something incriminating. Maybe I’m just paranoid. Clockwork. Nothing works as well as clocks. Well, as time.
Smooth. Time doesn’t lie. It can’t afford to stop, or to miscount. If time were to make a mistake. Millions would die. Yet, millions would live.
I keep talking. She wants to meet. I said that. Lexy wants to meet. I ask for her screen name. I instant message her.
We talk about her birth in Iran. How she grew up in Germany and moved to the US not to long ago. She seems brilliant. She seems like everything you want. I want. Everything that I want. She wont stop throwing compliments at me. She still, it seems, is trying to make me slip, make me say I want to date her. Marissa, after graduation, I told her. Lexy, I want a friend. I’m talking to someone. She asks about her. A lot.
She says she wants to know her “competition.”
I’m not stupid.
Politics. Did I tell you about that? She wants to go into politics. She’s studying over at UCR and she wants to get into politics.
Marissa logs on. Its later. Lexy and I are talking. I can read when they are typing. I don’t think I ever see them typing at the same time. Maybe I’m just thinking to much. Jim says not to be so worried. Its important that I talk about this. It’s important that I write this. I need to focus.
Lexy. Lexy wants to meet. I need to know. I need to meet her. She seems great. She gorgeous, she’s intelligent. She wants to go into politics, must be a good liar. She tells me girls must be blind. I tell her she’s sweet.
Marissa logs off. She’s leaving to a friends.
Ten minutes. Lexy has to go to dinner with her father. She logs off.
I’m not an idiot remember? I hid secret messages in my Myspace messages to her. Clever little hidden acronyms in my messages, so that if it is Marissa, I can show her I had her from the start.
This is crazy. Why? This is insane. Why? Am I falling for a girl that doesn’t exist. Am I falling for a girl who I’ve fallen for before only under a mask. Masks change people. They hurt people.
Who is she? Is she real?

 

[J. J. Jameson]

I'm not sure what kind of comments you want, but I'll both offer praise and a little bit of criticism.

First of all, it's a good story set up. I mean, really. This thing is chock-full of details that could be used later on in the story. This passage in itself is good. It's very much the thought process of the teenage guy. You chose good themes because I'm sure many guys can relate to where this particular character is...he wants a certain girl, but she doesn't feel the same way about him, but when he finally gives up hope, she goes and says she actually does feel the same way about him. It's that complex, silly, and crazy twist in life that really can sting, and I think you captured it well.

Now, criticism. Your sentences are very...short and sharp. Yes, this is a good thing when you are trying to convey thought emotion, but only when it is used sparingly. I like it the first paragraph or two, but then the harsh sentence structure begins to get a bit old. However, for this particular passage, it would fit, if only it was cut down a little bit. It may be a personal thing of mine, but I really think the story could have worked without profanity. Yes, sometimes it does seem to strengthen a story, and even then I really don't like it, but most of the time it's unnecessary, as in your story. Also, and lastly, maybe describe this girl from Germany a bit more. If she's gorgeous, let me picture through the words you use.

Overall, a good start. I hope my advice has been helpful! Keep on writing!