Memorial Day: America's Crappiest Holiday

[Not Jake]

Memorial Day sucks.

It is my contention that the only way anyone could ever possibly enjoy the holiday is if they were in the armed forces or had a strong influence by someone in the armed forces. Why would you otherwise like it? As a kid, we're given holidays based on the fanciful, or the supernatural. Christmas is about Santa Claus magically giving everyone in the world presents. Easter is about a giant bunny hiding colorful eggs around town. Halloween is about dressing up as monsters in some weird spiritual sacrifice to horrifying demons from days long past, and the 4th of July has sweet fireworks for kids to watch. Even when you grow up, Christmas and Easter become a holiday this rad hippy with awesome magic tricks. And all the holidays have huge merchandising campaigns, save one: Memorial Day. You don't see special Memorial Day-themed packaging on giant bags of Twix. What do you have? At best, CRAZY MEMORIAL DAY SAVINGS!!! And what is the day even about? Not magic people/animals/monsters. It's about humans. And not even the good ones! If Memorial Day was about honoring awesome foreigner-killing machines who like, punched holes through guys' stomachs overseas, I could get behind it a little more. But no, it's about the guys who got shot/exploded/stabbed. I could get shot/exploded/stabbed. It's not that hard. You just kind of stand there and let it happen.

The only redeeming quality Memorial Day has is barbecuing. And even that's tainted because it usually involves at least 2 extra family members who you hate being around. If Memorial Day ever hopes to quit sucking, it must do a few things.

1. Acquire a mascot that America can really get behind. I suggest our nation's greatest dead solider: Captain America.

2. Slap Captain America on every bag of candy in the store.

3. Replace having somber gun salutes at a graveyard with *****in' graveyard parties. Loud music, grave-dancing, and fireworks. Shaped like Captain America.

4. Give Captain America shields to people instead of purple hearts. But only if they did awesome stuff while they got hurt. Like killin' nazis on one leg. Obviously in modern times we can replace "nazis" with the name of whatever group we're killing at the time. Or, conversely--and I like this idea a lot--we call everyone we fight "nazis."


Happy Memorial Day, everyone. Enjoy your day off tomorrow. Unless you're in retail. Goddamn Memorial Day.

 

[Jack Rabbit]

I really don't know how to respond to this whole tyrade...so...

...grapefruit.

 

[Not Jake]

Tirade. No "y."

 

[Jack Rabbit]

Whatever.

 

[Not Jake]

Anyway...I don't really care about dead soldiers. It's just a me thing.

 

[Jack Rabbit]

That's great. They died so you could have a me thing.

 

[Majik1387]

The Captain America thing sounds like loads of fun.

 

[Mister J]

 

[Not Jake]

The Captain America thing sounds like loads of fun.

I know, right? We could have Hostess Cupcakes with Captain America shield frosting.

 

[Not Jake]

That's great. They died so you could have a me thing.

Oh, you're that guy.

 

[Majik1387]

I know, right? We could have Hostess Cupcakes with Captain America shield frosting.

DDD
You won me over.

 

[Jack Rabbit]

Oh, you're that guy.

I guess I am.

 

[imdaly]

Memorial Day sucks.

It is my contention that the only way anyone could ever possibly enjoy the holiday is if they were in the armed forces or had a strong influence by someone in the armed forces.

I'd have to venture a guess that, since you're living in this country today, you probably have had a fairly strong influence placed on you and your life by a couple people in the armed forces.

Y'know, just a guess, but one I'd be willing to bet a dollar on.

 

[Not Jake]

I guess I am.

Soldiers are dying overseas so I can call you a *****e.

 

[Jack Rabbit]

I'd have to venture a guess that, since you're living in this country today, you probably have had a fairly strong influence placed on you and your life by a couple people in the armed forces.

Y'know, just a guess, but one I'd be willing to bet a dollar on.

 

[Not Jake]

I'd have to venture a guess that, since you're living in this country today, you probably have had a fairly strong influence placed on you and your life by a couple people in the armed forces.

Y'know, just a guess, but one I'd be willing to bet a dollar on.

You'd be wrong

Unless Captain America counts

 

[Fran]

Unless you're in retail.

 

[Deep Thinkin'!]

It's a day off, take it and don't ask questions.

 

[terry78]

I think pretty much everyone alive has a relative that was in the military or currently is. May not agree with the stance they may be taking, but whatever. They died in the line, tomorrow they get their due since they may not ever again. I did find it a tad ridonkulous that bars and clubs were advertising Memorial Day parties and jams..."YEAH, honor the fallen and deceased with $5 Jagerbombs! Wooo!!!!"

 

[Fran]

I've worked every holiday we are open. Our store is closed only on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

We are open every other day. I've not worked New Year's at all, which is odd. But I've worked on July 4th and Memorial Days...

 

[imdaly]

Perhaps at Captain America's funeral they should have "loud music, grave-dancing, and fireworks. Shaped like Captain America."


Y'know, so the kids can have more fun.

 

[Catman]

Don't get upset at Jake, guys. His mom told him today that he was a mistake and that his brother who's fighting in Iraq is her favorite. So, he's just taking his anger out on Memorial Day.

 

[Not Jake]

Perhaps at Captain America's funeral they should have "loud music, grave-dancing, and fireworks. Shaped like Captain America."


Y'know, so the kids can have more fun.

No, Captain America actually means something, he deserves a good funeral. People who I don't know that died decades ago, who have collective funerals once a year on a lame day, should get the sweet parties to make up for how much suck they've made me endure.

 

[Not Jake]

Don't get upset at Jake, guys. His mom told him today that he was a mistake and that his brother who's fighting in Iraq is her favorite. So, he's just taking his anger out on Memorial Day.

If I had a brother who was in Iraq, I would hope he doesn't die. Not because I like him, but because Memorial Day really sucks.

 

[UltimateJustin]

Memorial Day sucks.

It is my contention that the only way anyone could ever possibly enjoy the holiday is if they were in the armed forces or had a strong influence by someone in the armed forces. Why would you otherwise like it? As a kid, we're given holidays based on the fanciful, or the supernatural. Christmas is about Santa Claus magically giving everyone in the world presents. Easter is about a giant bunny hiding colorful eggs around town. Halloween is about dressing up as monsters in some weird spiritual sacrifice to horrifying demons from days long past, and the 4th of July has sweet fireworks for kids to watch. Even when you grow up, Christmas and Easter become a holiday this rad hippy with awesome magic tricks. And all the holidays have huge merchandising campaigns, save one: Memorial Day. You don't see special Memorial Day-themed packaging on giant bags of Twix. What do you have? At best, CRAZY MEMORIAL DAY SAVINGS!!! And what is the day even about? Not magic people/animals/monsters. It's about humans. And not even the good ones! If Memorial Day was about honoring awesome foreigner-killing machines who like, punched holes through guys' stomachs overseas, I could get behind it a little more. But no, it's about the guys who got shot/exploded/stabbed. I could get shot/exploded/stabbed. It's not that hard. You just kind of stand there and let it happen.

The only redeeming quality Memorial Day has is barbecuing. And even that's tainted because it usually involves at least 2 extra family members who you hate being around. If Memorial Day ever hopes to quit sucking, it must do a few things.

1. Acquire a mascot that America can really get behind. I suggest our nation's greatest dead solider: Captain America.

2. Slap Captain America on every bag of candy in the store.

3. Replace having somber gun salutes at a graveyard with *****in' graveyard parties. Loud music, grave-dancing, and fireworks. Shaped like Captain America.

4. Give Captain America shields to people instead of purple hearts. But only if they did awesome stuff while they got hurt. Like killin' nazis on one leg. Obviously in modern times we can replace "nazis" with the name of whatever group we're killing at the time. Or, conversely--and I like this idea a lot--we call everyone we fight "nazis."


Happy Memorial Day, everyone. Enjoy your day off tomorrow. Unless you're in retail. Goddamn Memorial Day.

Funny. !!!