My Comic book pilot, critisim and tips appreciated

Discussion in 'Books and Music' started by S1ru5, Jan 13, 2013.

  1. S1ru5 Registered

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    i want to become a writer at marvel someday, its my dream, when i'm finished with this series, im going to mail it in and hope its good enough to get me at least in the door.

    The series is called "Shadowface" and its a about a dark superhero fighting for vengeance against the leader of a seceded nation in a second civil war, below are the first 11 pages.

    [FONT=&quot]Shadowface [/FONT]
    Issue No.1

    By Joshua Potts.


    1. New York City, 2027.
    Atop a dark rooftop, on a dark night, we see a small figure atop, with a smoking chimney.
    2. Zoom in on a young man with blonde hair, wearing sliver technology on various parts of him (forearms, upper legs, ankles, and a black headband around his head with a glowing red light on his temple.) body, looking at a computer, clenching a strange backpack.
    3. Close up on the face of the teenager, 18 year old James Phillips’, stern, concentrated face, looking down at the screen.
    4. 9 dots move closer on the screen to a map of NYC, they approach.
    5. Closer…
    6. Closer…

    PAGE 2

    1. He looks up.
    2. Nine fiery trails from approaching jets light up the sky.
    3. A glowing cuff on James’ arm, which has a light in the middle, begins to glow brightly.
    4. He slides on the backpack, with glowing lights on the straps.
    5. He pulls his black mask over his face, with large yellow eyes.
    6. He runs forward…
    7. And jumps…
    8. A fiery trail follows behind him as his jetpack hoists him into the air, as he zooms off.

    PAGE 3
    1. Close-up on a jet, and the face of a pilot
    PILOT 1: GENERAL, WE ARE APPROACHING THE FIRST BUILDING, NO SIGN OF TARGET.
    2. The Jet shoots missiles at a building.
    SFX. BBBBOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM.
    A large fiery explosion shoots out of the building.
    3. James Phillips’ fists smashed through the pilots windshield, glass is flying all over the place, the pilot has a shocked expression.
    4. CUT TO THE OFFICE OF JAMES BLOCKARD, GENERAL/DICTATOR OF LAMANIA (Although this is not yet revealed.)
    We see the back of COLTON ROBERTSONS’ head, and JAMES BLOCKARD sitting at his computer, focused.
    5. We see his computer screen, with the blips of all the jets on a radar.
    6. One of them BLIPS away, right off the screen.
    7. BLOCKARD has a horrid expression on his face, a combination of shock and rage. (he has long black hair and a bearded face, about 40 years old.)
    8. Back to the screen, two more jets BLIP off the screen.
    9. Cut back to New York, one of the pilots is falling out of the sky, screaming.
    10. He is swooped up By SHADOWFACE, flying on his jetpack.

    PAGE 4.

    1. Cut back to BLOCKARDS office, Colton Robertson, a muscular man with stitches all over his arms and neck, is looking across the room, horrified as well.
    ROBERTSON: WHAT’S HAPPENING?! WHAT’S GOING ON?!
    2. Back to the screen, three more planes have BLIPPED off.
    3. Close up on BLOCKARD’S stern face.
    Blockard: It’s him.
    4. ROBERTSON: (Angrily) GENERAL, LET ME GO!!! I’M READY!!!
    5. BLOCKARD: (GLARING) YOU ARE NOT READY, AND YOU WILL BE WISE TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE SPEAKING TO.
    6. He pushes a button on a screen on his desk.
    7. BLOCKARD: JAMESON?
    8. In a dark room in New York with a window in the background (which shows the city skyline with the one burning building) is Timothy Jameson, one of Lamania’s top agents and Blockard’s right hand man is listening with a slightly menacing face, he has spiked up hair and frisky beard.
    JAMESON: YES SIR.
    BLOCKARD: (IN JAMESON’S EARPIECE) I NEED YOU TO TAKE HIM DOWN, AND FEEL FREE TO BE CREATIVE.
    JAMESON: WITH PLEASURE SIR.
    PAGE 5
    1. James is standing on his rooftop, looking down at a startled pilot’s face which he has just dropped off.
    JAMES: WHAT?
    2. He is looking at the other startled pilots, five more of them.
    JAMES: I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW, THERE’S A REASON I SAVED ALL OF, YOU, IT’S NOT BECAUSE I LIKE YOU, I HATE YOU ALL, I WILL TOSS ALL OF YOU OFF THIS BUILDING IF YOU DON’T TELL ME WITHIN 5 MINUTES-

    3. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM ( A JET RANDOMLY EXPLODES ABOVE, JAMES LOOKS UP.
    4. His tech begins to light up.
    5. JAMESON is looking down at him
    6. He hits a button on a futuristic phone-like device.
    7. Another jet blows up in the sky.
    8. SHADOWFACE hoists up in the air.
    JAMES: NOW YOU IDIOTS STAY PUT!!!
    9. He lands on the front of a jet, the pilot is shocked.
    JAMES: STAY PUT! I’M COMIN IN TO-
    PAGE 6.
    1. The jet explodes in his face, he flies backwards, smoking.
    2. We see the back of JAMESON’S head, looking up at the exploding jet.
    3. Shadowface is falling down, looking knocked out.
    4. The angle zooms out, he looks defeated, or dead.
    5. BLOCKARD: Is he dead?
    6. JAMESON: ( SMILING) LOOKS LIKE IT SIR.
    7. He then sees SHADOWFACE zooming off, he is speechless.
    SHADOWFACE: (IN ROBERTSON’S EARPICE) JUST SO YOU TWO KNOW…
    8. SHADOWFACE is flying forward…
    SHADOWFACE: I’VE BEEN LISTENING IN ON THIS CONVERSATION THE ENTIRE TIME…
    AND ENJOY YOUR NEW SCREENSAVER BLOCKARD.
    9. Blockard has a horrified look as he looks at his screen, with a giant smiley face with shadowface’s logo saying I WIN!!!
    PAGE 7.
    1. We see the shot through the view of a pilots cockpit, he is looking up at SHADOWFACE zooming off with two more pilots in his arms, two explosions behind him. (the jets)
    2. Close up on the pilots face, he looks sick with fear, (gulping?)
    3. SFX: SMMAASSHHH!!!!!! Glass flies down much to the pilot’s obvious shock.
    4. We see Shadowface looking down at the pilot
    JAMES: HELLO!
    5. The pilot is thrown out of the jet, screaming, with Shadowface perched, arms up on the top of the jet.
    6. Close up on SHADOWFACE’S Hand pressing a small, blinking red square onto the glass.
    SFX: BLIPBLIPBLIPBLIPBLIPBLIPBLIP.
    7. SHADOWFACE swoops up the pilot in one arm and flies forward.
    8. Close up on the blinking red square.
    SFX: BLEEPBLEEPBLEEPBLEEP!!!!!!!!
    9. SFX: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!! The jet explodes in the air.

    PAGE 8.

    1. SHADOWFACE has returned to his rooftop, landing, he drops the pilot from the last page to the ground of the roof.
    JAMES:OKAY GUYS.
    2. (he pulls his mask of, showing a serious, slightly angered face)
    JAMES: TIME FOR US…
    3. (close up on James’ face)TO HAVE A LITTLE CHA-
    4. SFX:BRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMM
    Off in the distance, a large skyscraper explodes.
    5. SFX: bbbbbbboooooooooommmmmm
    Then another one not too far behind.
    6. JAMES: (WITH SEVERE RAGE) IS HE HERE?! JAMESON? IS HE DOING THIS?
    7. PILOT: I-I DON’T KNOW, I-
    8. SUDDENLY THE PILOT IS HOISTED UP INTO THE AIR BY A YELLOW LIGHT ENCASING HIS BODY, AND IS DANGLED OVER THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING.
    JAMES: I PROMISE YOU I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T TELL ME IN TEN SECONDS!!!!!

    PAGE 9.
    1. James is in the background, with full view of the pilot dangling, horrified
    JAMES: 10…
    2. Close up on the screaming pilots face.
    3. JAMES: 9…
    4. PILOT: (eyes closed with fear, with gritted teeth) HE-HE’S IN THE ATOM INDUSTRIES BUILDING!!!
    5. JAMES: (Smirking) BINGO.
    6. The pilot is thrown against the ground, and skids in pain…SHADOWFACE flies off.
    7. Frontal view of Shadowface flying forward, an electronic voice chirps in his ear
    COMPUTER: SEARCHING…SERVER 166.75.99 LOCATED.
    8. Through SHADOWFACE’S yellow eyepiece, we see a red circle zoom in on JAMESON his name is displayed next to the circle.


    Page 10.
    1. SFX:SMAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH. SHADOWFACE smashes through the window, grabbing JAMESON in his arms as he flies to the other side of the room.
    2. He flies out of the skyscraper, breaking through the glass.
    3. He tosses JAMESON in the air, and punches him hard, sending JAMESON flying through the air.
    4. He catches JAMESON and smashes him against a window, cracking the glass behind him.
    5. (close-up on SHADOWFACE’S MASK)
    SHADOWFACE: NATHANIEL JAMESON, YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE A NICE LITTLE CHAT.

    Page 11.

    1. We see a condemned, burnt house, in the middle of an abandoned neighborhood.
    2. SHADOWFACE throws JAMESON down, through the house. SFX: CRRRAAAAASSSSHHH.
    3. JAMESON lands on the ashy ground, groaning.
    4. He looks next to him, and screams, a skeleton is impaled into the ground, burnt.
    5. SHADOWFACE crashes in…
    JAMES: RECOGNIZE HIM?
    6. JAMES: (pulling off his mask, smirking) THAT’S YOUR OLD FRIEND LUCAS STRONG.
    7. Close up James’ teary eyed, but angry and serious face.
    JAMES: HE WAS ONE OF THE 5 MEN THAT KILLED MY FATHER, ROBERT PHILLIPS, TEN YEARS AGO, THE OTHERS WERE GENERAL JAMES BLOCKARD, COLTON ROBERTSON, MICHAEL POTTS…
    8. JAMES: (SMILING TWISTEDLY.) AND YOU, MY FRIEND.
    9. Eagle eye shot of the house, and from within it we hear…
    JAMESON: STOP IT! NO, PLEASE, NO-GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    PAGE 12.

    Four long horizontal pages, dark lighting.
    1. BLOCKARD is sitting as his desk, ROBERTSON has left.
    BLOCKARD: (looking down at computer) JAMESON? COME IN JAMESON…
    2. he puts his hands in his hair, and sighs.
    3. There is a crackle of sound, and JAMES’ Voice appears. Blockard Looks up frantically.
    JAMES: TWO DOWN, THREE TO GO…
    4. Blockard has an intense look of fear.




    if you like any of this feel free to visit the website
    www.secondcivilwar.weebly.com
    my email is under contact if you wish to send me any emails.
     
    #1 S1ru5, Jan 13, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2013
  2. Number 6 Be seeing you

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    Hate to break it to you, but Marvel no longer takes unsolicited submissions. The policy is to destroy any material that comes into the mail room unsolicited.
     
  3. S1ru5 Registered

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    then how do they hire new writers?
     
  4. ThePhantasm 2 sexy 4 a stormtrooper

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    They solicit them...
     
  5. ThePhantasm 2 sexy 4 a stormtrooper

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    Maybe this will help. Here is Marvel's policy on it.

     
  6. Doctor Evo Registered

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    ...
     
  7. Llama_Shepherd Registered

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    This is more a technical aspect, rather than criticism, but unless you are going to pencil the book yourself, that's not how you script a comic. You should outline what is going on in each panel, (eg more detail) then place the dialogue in the panel last, for example, here is a script page of Batman: The Return.

    So even without adjusting any of your ideas, there is still a lot of work to do for the comic. Page 6 in particular needs editing, because, what you have described for the plane explosion would take some really short horizontal panels, which would then compromise the integrity of the art. Always remember to accommodate for the artist too.
     
    #7 Llama_Shepherd, Jan 19, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2013
  8. Spider-Who? ERMERGERD!

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    You also should heavily proof-read/edit your work. Yes, this won't be in the comic itself, but in order for people (artists, potential employers, etc) to take your scripts seriously, you need to have your grammar and sentence structure as close to perfect as possible.

    For example, your first sentence:

    is all over the place. "A small figure atop" is repetitive. We already know we're looking "atop a dark roof". Also, "small figure atop, with a smoking chimney" sounds like the figure is in possession of a smoking chimney, instead of standing next to/near one. It should read something like this:

    ...or to help inspire the artist, you can get a little more creative/descriptive with it:

    Just an example. The better you can paint the picture (for at least establishing shots), the more interested (and inspired) the artists are going to be.

    Good luck!
     
    #8 Spider-Who?, Jan 19, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2013
  9. S1ru5 Registered

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    I'm illustrating it for a webcomic.
     
    #9 S1ru5, Jan 20, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2013
  10. S1ru5 Registered

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    No, i understand that completely, and i would have written it in the "panel 1" rather tha "1" format, but i'm working on this between school and work, as well as illustrating it myself for the comic (which is now to be a webcomic), i've rewritten the script, and am nearly finished, but i'll take all advice, thanks guys.
    :woot:
     
  11. Llama_Shepherd Registered

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    I wouldn't post a full issue script yet quite. For now, make sure you have concrete character designs, that is going to be vitally important in the early stages. So try and post them, one of the advantages of pencilling yourself is that you can design to your hearts content.

    So if you can, try and get a Shadowface character design up on here.
     
  12. S1ru5 Registered

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    I will do that, and I've spent nearly all weekend revising, and switching, making it to where even i thought it was good, and i hate all my own work.
    That's why i wanted reviews of the story, because i first came up with SHADOWFACE in 7th grade all those years ago, where he was a jet pack flying spandex superhero fighting evil terrorists.

    I switched the setting to a little earlier in time, and erased all of the flashbacks.
    most descriptions are more crisp and in detail, as i'm actually trying to hire an artist now (pm me if anyone's interested) and trying to make this script less for my enjoyment only.

    the story is now an origin in chronological order about the birth of the hero (anyone interested in me posting the full plot for issues 1 and 2?) and his fight against his own nation.
     
  13. Llama_Shepherd Registered

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    If you're happy with a design, get it up man. I'd like to see it.

    If the design is final, you should craft Shadowface's origin and the worldbuilding (eg the seceding of this nation, create the antagonist etc).

    If you're starting to craft the story, first, know how long it will be (I'm assuming it might be around 120 pages, or 6 standard length issues). Plan every out the story as a whole, this gives you something you know you can work toward, then plan out your single issues. I wouldn't post the script, as sometimes, they can ruin the magic. Try and get some pages finished, and post them.
     
  14. 3rdstone Original Manhunter

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    I'm not an aspiring writer myself and never will be, but I really like how Marvel after explaining the hard facts still kinda gives hope to ambitious aspiring writers in the second half of this quoute.


    Edit:

    S1u5, if you're illustrating yourself it would be cool to see some stuff. Maybe in the fan art forum? :cwink:
     
    #14 3rdstone, Jan 20, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2013
  15. S1ru5 Registered

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    Sure, if i can get my scanner to work, i'll post some in this forum as well, i have a couple of pages i think you guys might like, y'know, if you want to me to post them.
     
  16. S1ru5 Registered

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    Page 26
    PANEL 1)
    1. James is shocked, tear rolls down his eye.

    PANEL 2)
    1. He turns to another page, a picture of the burnt house is there.
    PANEL 3)
    1. He clenches the file, looking up.
    PANEL 4)
    1. He storms out, His back turned.
    PANEL 5)
    1. In the meeting hall, The members of the council are sitting, with a large digital map in the middle of the table. They look antsy , awaiting the attack to begin.
    2. BLOCKARD: (looking around) WHERE IS PHILLIPS?
    PANEL 6)
    1. James storms in, slamming the door behind him. He has a furious look on his face.
    JAMES: MURDERER.
    Page 27

    PANEL 1)
    1. Blockard looks in shock as James throws the file on the table.
    PANEL 2)
    1. Blockard, picks it up, looking through it, with shock on his face as he realizes what it is.
    2. James is pointing at him, with a murderous look in his eyes.
    3. JAMES: YOU KILLED MY FATHER, AND THEN MY BEST FRIEND TO KEEP ME FROM FINDING OUT, AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY CHILDHOOD.
    PANEL 3)
    1. Blockard looks up, speechless.
    PANEL 4)
    1. James lifts up both arms, and blasts Blockard.
    2. SFX: CCHHHHHHOOOOOSSSSHHHHH!!!!!!
    PANEL 5)
    1. Blockard flies into the wall, cracking it behind him.
    PANEL 6)
    1. JAMES: I’LL BE BACK TO KILL YOU, BUT FIRST…

    Page 28
    PANEL 1)
    1. I have millions of lives to save.
    PANEL 2)
    1. He storms out, some members pick up Blockard.
    PANEL 3)

    1. COLTON ROBERTSON one of the members yells out.
    2. ROBERTSON: GET HIM TO THE EMERGENCY BUNKER, CALL JAMESON AND TELL HIM TO STAY POST IN THE CITY.
    PANEL 4)

    1. Cut back to James in the garage, he holds up his gray hoodie, and a can of spray paint in another hand.

    PANEL 5)
    1. He sprays it; we do not see the front.

    PANEL 6)
    1. The viewpoint cuts around to the front of the hoodie, there is a big black “S” that matches the one on his father’s designs.




    Page 29

    FULL PAGE PANEL.
    1. James is now in full outfit, mask, and hoodie, flying up in the air, ready to fight.

    END OF ISSUE #1
     
  17. S1ru5 Registered

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    any tips?
     
    #17 S1ru5, Jan 21, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2013
  18. Llama_Shepherd Registered

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    It's not bad, but it's also not fair to judge a comic on just the script. So try and get a couple of completed pages up in like a week or so.
     
  19. S1ru5 Registered

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    Will do, i have the pencils for the first page already scanned.

    [​IMG]
     

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