Kevin Roegele
Do you mind if I don't?
- Joined
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I wrote this in 2005 after Batman Begins, and having not seen The Dark Knight yet, let's see how accurate (or not) it is...
1. INT. BRUCE'S BEDROOM. MORNING.
BRUCE wakes up with a start.
ALFRED: Master Bruce, what is it?
BRUCE: Alfred, I had the most horrible nightmare. I took my anger too far....I-I killed a man. A criminal.
ALFRED: Dreams can act as our guide, Master Bruce.
BRUCE: That's the sort of encouraging motto my father used to say.
ALFRED: Father or father figure, it's all the same, sir.
A knock at the door. KATIE HOLMES enters in a very thin shirt. Let's call it the Kirsten Dunst effect.
ALFRED (leaving): I shall leave the pair of you to it.
KATIE climbs onto the bed. BRUCE grins.
KATIE: Bruce, you've got such a big, expensive bed......it's the perfect place for us to go over last years' financial reports.
BRUCE: Can't you get someone else....
KATIE: Bruce, as your moral compass, I can't believe you'd ever get someone else to do something for you! Righteous indignation from me here. I'm a hard-working person-on-the-street which you need to anchor you.
BRUCE: And a bit of a sourpuss.
KATIE slaps BRUCE. Twice.
2. WAYNE ENTERPRISES. AFTERNOON.
BRUCE is in WAYNE ENTERPRISES with MORGAN FREEMAN.
BRUCE: Got any cool gizmos for me?
MORGAN: I have this glider, which was developed by the US military. (Note: Add paragraph of technical jargon here) I guess it vaguely resembles the shape of a bat....
BRUCE: Yeah, vaguely, and we could paint it black, but don't go round calling it the 'Batwing'. And my car isn't the 'Batmobile' either. Those names aren't believable.
MORGAN: Whatever. I also have this rebreather, which you can slip into any utility belt, and it gives you three minutes of oxygen.
BRUCE: You know, no matter how ridiculous these things are, they always sound believable when you describe them.
MORGAN: That's why I was hired......er, for Wayne Enterprises. Not for the film. Erm.....whatever that is....
Suddenly, we hear via a nearby radio that KATIE HOLMES has been kidnapped by THE JOKER.
BRUCE: Phew, I was wondering if there would even be a big showdown at the end of the movie.
3. GRITTY DOCKS. NIGHT.
We are by THE JOKER'S hideout, a warehouse, which is not, repeat not, campy in any way. It's a realistic warehouse. That's all. THE JOKER and his thugs have KATIE HOLMES hostage.
JOKER: I guess I'll need some half-assed 'destroy Gotham' plan for the climax....
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: Oh, go on then. Make it quick.
JOKER: I'm going to spread laughing gas thu the whole city.
Suddenly, BATMAN arrives in his black glider shaped like a bat. It's not called the Batwing.
BATMAN (over radio): Lucius, do you hear me? Can you quickly knock up an antidote for the Joker's.....
LUCIOUS (over radio): Done and done.
BATMAN leaps out of the glider. He fights the THUGS in a scene cut so fast, we can splice in shots of Batman & Robin and no-one will know.
Somehow BATMAN is still standing. While the audience is throwing up from motion sickness, the JOKER holds a gun to KATIE'S head.
JOKER: What you never learned, Batman, is that you and I are so alike. One bad day makes all the difference. I bet one bad day is why you exist. It's why I exist.
BATMAN: Do you have some logical and believable origin story to tell me?
JOKER: Yes, I was a downtrodden failed comedian with a young family.....
BATMAN jumps on the JOKER and we have another fight scene cut so fast, we can splice in shots of that Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee video and no-one will know.
BATMAN is holding the bloody, beaten JOKER ready to kill him.
BATMAN: This was my dream......how do I overcome this....
KATIE: Because you're a good person, and the difference between you and him is that he tries to inflict his pain on others while you try and spare others your pain.
BATMAN: Good call.
BATMAN drops the JOKER. POLICE arrive.
BATMAN talks to COMMISIONER GORDON.
GORDON: Mumble.....mumble....
BATMAN: Harsh whisper.....
GORDON looks up and BATMAN is gone.
4. WAYNE MANOR GARDENS. NIGHT.
KATIE HOLMES and BRUCE sit on a bench.
BRUCE: Katie, are we going to have sex, finally?
KATIE: Are you kidding? We have to create some real sexual tension first. What about the next film? And the one after that?
KATIE slaps BRUCE.
KATIE: This is a franchise, Bruce!
KATIE slaps BRUCE again.
THE END
1. INT. BRUCE'S BEDROOM. MORNING.
BRUCE wakes up with a start.
ALFRED: Master Bruce, what is it?
BRUCE: Alfred, I had the most horrible nightmare. I took my anger too far....I-I killed a man. A criminal.
ALFRED: Dreams can act as our guide, Master Bruce.
BRUCE: That's the sort of encouraging motto my father used to say.
ALFRED: Father or father figure, it's all the same, sir.
A knock at the door. KATIE HOLMES enters in a very thin shirt. Let's call it the Kirsten Dunst effect.
ALFRED (leaving): I shall leave the pair of you to it.
KATIE climbs onto the bed. BRUCE grins.
KATIE: Bruce, you've got such a big, expensive bed......it's the perfect place for us to go over last years' financial reports.
BRUCE: Can't you get someone else....
KATIE: Bruce, as your moral compass, I can't believe you'd ever get someone else to do something for you! Righteous indignation from me here. I'm a hard-working person-on-the-street which you need to anchor you.
BRUCE: And a bit of a sourpuss.
KATIE slaps BRUCE. Twice.
2. WAYNE ENTERPRISES. AFTERNOON.
BRUCE is in WAYNE ENTERPRISES with MORGAN FREEMAN.
BRUCE: Got any cool gizmos for me?
MORGAN: I have this glider, which was developed by the US military. (Note: Add paragraph of technical jargon here) I guess it vaguely resembles the shape of a bat....
BRUCE: Yeah, vaguely, and we could paint it black, but don't go round calling it the 'Batwing'. And my car isn't the 'Batmobile' either. Those names aren't believable.
MORGAN: Whatever. I also have this rebreather, which you can slip into any utility belt, and it gives you three minutes of oxygen.
BRUCE: You know, no matter how ridiculous these things are, they always sound believable when you describe them.
MORGAN: That's why I was hired......er, for Wayne Enterprises. Not for the film. Erm.....whatever that is....
Suddenly, we hear via a nearby radio that KATIE HOLMES has been kidnapped by THE JOKER.
BRUCE: Phew, I was wondering if there would even be a big showdown at the end of the movie.
3. GRITTY DOCKS. NIGHT.
We are by THE JOKER'S hideout, a warehouse, which is not, repeat not, campy in any way. It's a realistic warehouse. That's all. THE JOKER and his thugs have KATIE HOLMES hostage.
JOKER: I guess I'll need some half-assed 'destroy Gotham' plan for the climax....
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: Oh, go on then. Make it quick.
JOKER: I'm going to spread laughing gas thu the whole city.
Suddenly, BATMAN arrives in his black glider shaped like a bat. It's not called the Batwing.
BATMAN (over radio): Lucius, do you hear me? Can you quickly knock up an antidote for the Joker's.....
LUCIOUS (over radio): Done and done.
BATMAN leaps out of the glider. He fights the THUGS in a scene cut so fast, we can splice in shots of Batman & Robin and no-one will know.
Somehow BATMAN is still standing. While the audience is throwing up from motion sickness, the JOKER holds a gun to KATIE'S head.
JOKER: What you never learned, Batman, is that you and I are so alike. One bad day makes all the difference. I bet one bad day is why you exist. It's why I exist.
BATMAN: Do you have some logical and believable origin story to tell me?
JOKER: Yes, I was a downtrodden failed comedian with a young family.....
BATMAN jumps on the JOKER and we have another fight scene cut so fast, we can splice in shots of that Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee video and no-one will know.
BATMAN is holding the bloody, beaten JOKER ready to kill him.
BATMAN: This was my dream......how do I overcome this....
KATIE: Because you're a good person, and the difference between you and him is that he tries to inflict his pain on others while you try and spare others your pain.
BATMAN: Good call.
BATMAN drops the JOKER. POLICE arrive.
BATMAN talks to COMMISIONER GORDON.
GORDON: Mumble.....mumble....
BATMAN: Harsh whisper.....
GORDON looks up and BATMAN is gone.
4. WAYNE MANOR GARDENS. NIGHT.
KATIE HOLMES and BRUCE sit on a bench.
BRUCE: Katie, are we going to have sex, finally?
KATIE: Are you kidding? We have to create some real sexual tension first. What about the next film? And the one after that?
KATIE slaps BRUCE.
KATIE: This is a franchise, Bruce!
KATIE slaps BRUCE again.
THE END
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