Not-At-All-Original-Publications Presents: Spammers in Space!

[bored]

That's right, theater fans, it's time for Bored to spin another yarn of adventure! Sit back, order some Chinese food, and enjoy

SPAMMERS. IN. SPAAAAAAACE!


----------------


Three men in space suits made their way slowly across a catwalk leading them to a large rocket ship. Throngs of people watched them from below.

Abaddon: Why aren't they cheering?

Dog Lips: They don't appreciate us, Abaddon. They never will.

bored: Where is the rest of the crew?

Dog Lips: Don't know. Actually, wait, hold on, I think I hear someone coming.

Indeed, somebody was running up the catwalk, in their direction, though not wearing a suit.

Karem-Knight: Bonga bonga bonga bonga!

bored: Huh?

Dog Lips: What the hell is going on?

Karem-Knight dashed past them, and into the ship.

Abaddon: Uh-oh.

Dog Lips: If anyone asks, we didn't see him.

bored: Speaking of anyone, are we early? Because we're NOT the only members of the crew.

Elijya: Damn right, you're not! I'm glad you're willing to acknowledge it!

Elijya, one of the mission leaders, stood in the hatchway entrance to the ship.

Elijya: You're twenty minutes late!

Abaddon: So THAT'S why nobody's cheering us.

Elijya: That's right. They're all bored from waiting.

bored: There is only one 'bored'.

Bored turned to look down at the spectators.

bored: You hear that?! YOU CAN NOT STEAL MY IDENTITYYYYYYY!

Dog Lips smacked him.

bored: What? Oh, sorry.

Elijya: Come on, idiots. The rest of the crew is strapped in and waiting.

bored: What about Karem-Knight?

Elijya: Who?

bored: The guy who just ran past us a minute ago.

Elijya: Oh, him. He'll be stuck in an overhead bin, or something.

Dog Lips: I didn't know we had overhead bins? This is a space-ship. Don't we have our own rooms?

Elijya: Once we get to the station, yes.

Dog Lips: Station? I thought we were going to Mars .

Elijya: Oh, we are, but we're going IN the Tukiluka Memorial Space Station.



Meanwhile, in a cabin somewhere on the Bayou.

Tukiluka: They told everyone I was dead. *sniff*

cajun guy: Dat real sad, boy, but sob story don' catch no crawdad, so y'all getchoself to work, ya here?



bored: We're travelling to Mars in a space station? How does that work?

Elijya: Quiet, you!

Elijya, an irritated look on his face, led the three intrepid, though tardy, adventurers into the ship.

Abaddon: Nobody said anything about a space station.

Elijya: We've known since the beginning about the station. The three of you just didn't pay attention.

Dog Lips: I would have remembered something like that, though.

Elijya: No you wouldn't.

Dog Lips: .... ......

Holly Goodhead: Where the hell were you three?

Holly Goodhead, like the rest of the crew, was strapped into her seat.

Dog Lips: Wishing I had my camera.

Elijya: Dog Lips, sit down.

bored: We were saying goodbye to our loved ones.



A few hours earlier...

bored: *sniff* You guys take care, okay?

Bored took one last look at his small army of heavily-armed lemurs dressed as professional athletes, and turned to leave.

bored: You'll be in good hands. I want you all to behave for your babysitter while I'm gone, Brian Peppers.


Abaddon: You know I'll be back for ya', babe, even if I meet some really hot space-floozy.

cardboard cut-out of Eliza Dushku:....

Abaddon: You don't need to say a word. Just be good while I'm gone. Oh, and I'm gonna have a friend of mine check in on you every now and then. His name's Brian Peppers.

Peppers: Hel-LO nurse!

Abaddon: You touch her, and I kill you.


Dog Lips: Be strong everyone!

Dog Lips could barely contain his tears as he said goodbye to his great, his beloved, his porn stash.

Dog Lips: Oh, this is ALWAYS the hardest part! *sniff* If you ever need anything while I'm in space, I have a friend who can help you out. He's just coming to the door now.

With a heavy heart, Dog Lips stroked his hand across the case of his DVD of "Girls Gone Wild: Sasketchewan", and opened the door for his trusted friend.

Stephen Hawking: Hello, Dog Lips.

Dog Lips: Hello, Stephen Hawking. Take care of 'em, alright?

Stephen Hawking: You know I will.

Stephen Hawking entered Dog Lips's apartment, as the astronaut closed the door.

Stephen Hawking:.... What? Were you expecting someone else?



Elijya: Okay, everyone ready?

Corinthian: Si, ese. The ship, she is ready to fly.

Elijya: Wonderful. Okay, countdown to launch. Five-

mission control: Captain Elijya, you have not been cleared for launch yet.

Elijya: I am commanded by a higher power than you, buzzy voice on the console!

Gregory Peck: That's right, Eli, don't take any crap from them! It's time to go!

Elijya: Yes, my Peck.

bored: Who's he talking to?

Elijya: Shut up! Now, let's do this again.

mission control: Oh boy. Alright, someone have security clear all those people on the gr-

Elijya: Silence! Here it goes: Five, four, three, two, one! Blast off!

Nothing happened.

Elijya: Hey! Corinthian, why aren't we blasting off?

Corinthian: Que?

Elijya: Dammit. Who here speaks Klingon?

Holly Goodhead: Spanish, sir.

Elijya: Same difference!

Corinthian: I can speak english, Capitan. Now, vabamos!

The ship shook to life, and began its ascent into space.

 

[The Squirrel]

L O L!

Looks to be another great epic.

 

[FunBobPants]

definitely want more! BUT. i am king of the spammers. could you have me be waiting for them at Mars? pllllllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeaaaaassssse?

 

[bored]

Elijya: We're off, ladies and gentlemen!

Holly Goodhead: I'm the only woman on the flight, sir.

Elijya: Lies! Okay, let's open the line to mission control back up. Do you copy, guys?

mission control: Ground Control to Major Tom/
Ground Control to Major Tom/
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on/
Ground Control to Major Tom/
Commencing countdown, engines on/
Check ignition and may God's love be with you/

Corinthian: Diez, Nueve, Ocho, Siete, Seis, Cinco, Cuatro, Tres, Dos, Uno... Quite

Abaddon: We already lifted off, like twenty minutes ago.

Corinthian: Silencio!

mission control: This is Ground Control to Major Tom/
You've really made the grade/
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear/
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare/

Holly Goodhead: We're still leaving Earth's atmosphere, control. That would be highly unadvisable.

Elijya: This is Major Tom to Ground Control/
I'm stepping through the door/
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way/
And the stars look very different today/

Holly Goodhead: Oh, come on, Captain, not you!

Elijya: For here/
Am I sitting in a tin can/
Far above the world/
Planet Earth is blue/
And there's nothing I can do/

Abaddon: What have these people been smoking?

Karem-Knight: Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles/
I'm feeling very still/
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go/
Tell my wife I love her very much she knows/

Abaddon: Where the hell did he come from?!

Dog Lips: He must have gotten out of the overhead bin! I hope he hasn't been going through my carry-on bag.

mission control: Ground Control to Major Tom/
Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong/
Can you hear me, Major Tom?/
Can you hear me, Major Tom?/
Can you hear me, Major Tom?/
Can you....

Holly Goodhead: That's a very bad sign.

Elijya and Karem-Knight: *in unison* Here am I floating round my tin can/
Far above the Moon/
Planet Earth is blue/
And there's nothing I can do/

Holly Goodhead: For God's sake, somebody strap him in! How is the g-force not plastering him to a wall?

mission control: That was very fun, Captain Elijya. Do you copy, over?

Elijya: We copy, mission control. Let's do it again sometime, over.

Holly Goodhead: Please don't.

mission control: We'll totally bring the acoustic guitar next time. Mission control, over and out.

Holly Goodhead: I am so going to mutiny if that happens again. In other news, we've left Earth's atmosphere. Welcome to space, boys.

Karem-Knight: Space, the final frontier. Long has man striven to recite the perfect monologue upon reaching the infinite heavens, and long has he come short, but perhaps one day, the right words will come, be recorded, and then be repeated by an actor in the made-for-tv adaptation of that great orator's memoirs.

bored: What role do you serve on this mission?

Elijya: Enough out of you, bored! We'll be docking with the Space Station in thirty minutes.

Holly Goodhead: Actually, sir, it'll be about three hours.

Elijya: Wrong you are, silly girl.

Holly Goodhead: We're still in Earth's orbit, Captain. We can't fight against that.

Elijya: So. It won't take that long.

Holly Goodhead: *sighing* Whatever you say, sir.



Thirty minutes later....

Elijya: There she is, the Tukiluka Memorial Space Station!

Dog Lips: Tuki's not dead.

Elijya: I know, Dog Lips. He lives in all our hearts and memories.

Dog Lips: No, I mean-

Elijya: You'd better not be disrespecting the dead, boy! Karem-Knight, ready the space suits. We're going ahead.

Holly Goodhead: There's nothing out there. We're nowhere near the station yet.

Elijya: The clouded mind sees nothing.

Holly Goodhead: What?

Elijya: You're on your period.

Holly Goodhead: If there were gravity, I'd throw something at you.

Elijya unbuckled from his seat, and floated off with Karem-Knight to get ready to go out into space.

bored: Should we really be trusting Karem-Knight in a space-walk?

Corinthian: Oh, si, si, he's real good at it, you know?

bored: Um, no. Look, we really should keep them in the ship. I'll go try and stop them.

Holly Goodhead: Good luck. Once Captain Elijya has an idea in his head, he goes all out.

Bored left the cockpit, and floated off to locate the captain and the random crew member who filled some unknown role.

bored: Captain, I really don't think you should be going out there. There's no space station anywhere close to us. You'll just be wasting oxygen.

Elijya: Silly bored, of course it's there. It's just invisible.

bored: Invisible?

Elijya: To keep away the Lithuanians.

Karem-Knight: Damn dirty Lithuanians.

bored: I see. Well, um... What about theeee.... Space plague?

Elijya: Space plague?

bored: Yeah. We're over China right now.

Elijya: So?

bored: Well, Asia has the bird-flu, right?

Elijya: Yeah.

bored: And birds fly really high, right?

Elijya: Yeah.

bored: And do you think all those germs from the bird-flu just stay on them?

Elijya: No, of course not. Otherwise it wouldn't be an epidemic.

bored: Exactly. And those germs aren't all going to just fall to the ground. After all, it isn't the 'bird-flu' for nothing.

Elijya: Hey, that's right! How else do the germs catch those feathery bastards? They can fly! And they're already so high up, so who says they can't fly into space?!

Karem-Knight: Logic defeats us all.

Elijya: KK, we'll wait until the epidemic is over to go to the ship. Good thinking, Lieutenant Bored.

bored: Actually sir, it's 'bored', and I'm not a lieutenant.

Elijya: You are now, son. You are now.

 

[Abaddon]

We met at a Halloween party.

 

[bored]

Ah, good ol' Peppers.


---------------------------


Elijya: Goodhead, how much longer until it's safe to travel to the invisible space station?

Holly Goodhead: What?

bored: *whispering* I told him there was bird flu in space. He wanted to leave the ship, because he thought the space station we're going to was invisible.

Holly Goodhead: I see.

Elijya: Dammit, woman, I am your captain! Do not keep me in the dark!

Corinthian: Oh, me disculpo.

Corinthian flicked the light switch.

Elijya: That's better. Now, Goodhead, how much longer?

Holly Goodhead: Um...

bored: *whispering* Just see how long it takes until we'll actually be at the Station.

Holly Goodhead: Okay. It'll be another two hours, Captain Elijya.

Karem-Knight: In the meantime, we shall see the smallest of organisms struggle valiantly for survival in the cold vacuum of space.

Elijya: Two hours?! I have to pee, dammit!

Dog Lips: Just do it in your space suit.

Elijya: What?!

Dog Lips: Yeah. These things are designed to take human waste, and be unloaded later.

Holly Goodhead: Actually...

Dog Lips: What?

Holly Goodhead: We couldn't afford those models. These suits just have zippers.

Dog Lips: .... ....

Elijya: Boy, I'd hate to be the guy who shares a room with HIM when we're in the Space Station.

Holly Goodhead: Sir, you ARE rooming with him.

Elijya: Like HELL I am!

Elijya opened a compartment under his seat and pulled out a pistol.

Elijya: Die, pants-pooper!

He fired, and the bullet floated into the air.

Dog Lips: Nice try, genius.

Elijya: B-but how?

Abaddon: We're in space. Remember, no gravity?

Elijya: That only effects organic material!

Abaddon: No, no it doesn't.

Elijya: Listen, boy, I'm the captain and I say the lack of gravity only applies to organic material! There can only be one explanation for Dog Lips surviving: He's a witch!

Corinthian: Es un brujo!

Karem-Knight: God in Heaven, we've brought the black arts into space!

bored: Who ARE you?

Holly Goodhead: Sir, why don't you take some time to cool off? May I recommend making sure the food is safe?

Elijya: I suppose it is almost lunch time. I'm off!

Elijya unstrapped himself and floated off to the food storage area.

Dog Lips: Just so you guys know, I'm not really a witch.

bored: We know, Dog.

Dog Lips: Okay. Just wanted to make sure there wasn't any confusion.

bored: So, Holly, I've been wondering-

Holly Goodhead: You're not my type.

bored: Dammit! Well, I was also wondering-

Holly Goodhead: No benefits. I barely know you.

bored: I just can't win. Okay then, on a completely different note-

Holly Goodhead: You can't take pictures of me, either.

Dog Lips: Don't worry, bored. I already took some.

Holly Goodhead: I knew I should've joined the convent.

bored: Well, since all that's out of the way, I have one last thing I want to know. How are we getting to Mars in a space station? Don't those usually just stay in orbit?

Corinthian: Oh no, not this one, you see. This ship, she's got the, you know, the rocket boosters and all the advanced navigation. It's real good.

Dog Lips: And yet we can't afford the space suits you can go to the bathroom in?

Karem-Knight: Sacrifice must be made.

Dog Lips: I'm so going with the Russians next time I want to go to space.

Elijya returned to the cockpit, holding a vacuum-sealed packet.

Elijya: Okay, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the packets aren't damaged. The bad news is that everything inside them is completely decayed!

Holly Goodhead: It's freeze-dried, sir.

Elijya: How do you dry something by freezing it?

Holly Goodhead: I don't think it will be a problem.

Karem-Knight: We can only hope this meager food lasts us, so that we needn't resort to cannibalism.

Abaddon: If we do, I volunteer you to go first.

Corinthian: I know how to make a great human-flesh enchilada. Es muy sabroso.

Holly Goodhead: There will plenty of food at the Space Station. Those supplies are just in case something goes awry, which isn't looking likely.

Elijya: Really? Well then, let's pig out!

Holly Goodhead: Let's not.

Elijya: What say you, First Mate Karem-Knight?

Holly Goodhead: Sir, there isn't a first mate on a space ship, and if there was, it would be me.

Elijya: You're a great pilot, Goodhead, but you've got such an ego.

Karem-Knight: We should save what we have, and then bring it to a grand feast on the Tukiluka Memorial Space Station.

Dog Lips: Tuki's not dead.

Elijya: Dammit, man, how'd you pass for being stable enough to go into space if you can't get over one man's death?

bored: I also don't think there's going to be any 'grand feast' to greet us. Ships dock there all the time.

Elijya: But this time, I'm here!

bored: Right.



Meanwhile, at the Tukiluka Memorial Space Station....

Jaguarr: Dammit, they'll be hear soon, and the veal isn't even ready yet! We are not disappointing Elijya.

Jag

LarryLegend: Don't rush me! My cooking is an art!

 

[The Squirrel]

Can I help with the cooking?

I make a mean acorn soup.

Great story man.

 

[bored]

Elijya: Now?

Holly Goodhead: No.

Elijya: Now?

Holly Goodhead: NO.

Elijya: Nnnooooowwwwwwuuuuhhhhh?

Holly Goodhead: You came from a rich family, didn't you?

Corinthian: Hey, senora Goodhead, I think we're getting a message from El Space Station.

Elijya: Dammit, we are NOT here to visit Antonio Banderas, we're going to Mars!

Holly Goodhead: Sir, he mean the Tukiluka Memorial Space Station. They're hailing us.

Elijya: Yes! Hail me, *****es!

Holly Goodhead: *sigh* I'll put them on.

A tv screen descended from the ceiling. The man in charge of the space station was on-screen.

Malice: Yo, Elijya.

Elijya: Waddup, homeslice?

Malice: Oh, you know, chillin', illin', straight-up fulfillin'. How was the trip up?

Elijya: It went okay.

Karem-Knight: We touched the heavens, and they did not slap a lawsuit on us for it.

Elijya: There was the matter of the space plague, though.

Malice: Made the trip over China, eh?

Elijya: Yeah, but as far as I know, we're all okay. No space plague is infecting my crew, dammit!

Malice: That's the spirit. Well, see you guys in a few minutes.

Somebody else appeared on the screen.

Zev: Is that Elijya?

Elijya: Zev? Oh, no way!

Zev: Way!

Malice: Dammit, Zev, the video-phone is for captains only! Excuse me for a moment, guys.

Malice and Zev moved off-screen, and the crew could hear some whimpering, and a sound of somebody being slapped. Malice returned.

Malice: That's better.

Zev appeared next to him, wearing a rubber glove over his head.

Malice: You knew the consequences, Zev. Mess with my ****, and you've got to be Howie Mandel for a day.

Zev: Can't breathe... Deal, or no deal....

Malice: Wow, that was a reach for a game-show reference. Okay, boys-

Holly Goodhead: *achem*

Malice: Ah, yes, boys and Dog Lips-

Dog Lips: I'm a man, dammit!

Malice: Whatever you say. See you soon. I'm going to go make sure nobody's burned the veal. Over and out.

The screen went blank, and returned to the ceiling.

Abaddon: Veal?

Elijya: Space veal. Instead of baby cows, it's baby alien creatures that look like cows.

Holly Goodhead: This is why intelligent extra-terrestrials never talk to us.

bored: That, and the incident at the White House Toga Party two years ago.

Holly Goodhead: Well, obviously.

Corinthian: Okay, while you are all doing the talking and the not paying attention, we're docked at the station.

Elijya: Excellent. Let's greet our fellow astronauts, everyone!

Elijya led the crew to the air-lock.

Elijya: Who knows how to open this thing?

Holly Goodhead: It's not ready yet, Captain.

Elijya: Nonsense! Karem-Knight, go depressurize and prove to Holly Smartypants here that it's okay.

Karem-Knight entered the air-lock.

bored: He's not even wearing a suit.

Looking in, the crew saw Karem-Knight drop to his feet in seemingly unspeakable agony.

Holly Goodhead: Good lord, Captain, look what you've done!

Elijya: Oh, he's fine.

The door on the other side of the chamber opened. Karem-Knight didn't move.

Elijya: Dammit, why's he napping? I told him to do it on the trip up!

Elijya found the button to open the air-lock, and lifted Karem-Knight onto his shoulder.

Holly Goodhead: I think he's dead, sir.

bored: What did he do, exactly?

Elijya: He's not dead, he's just resting. Here, I'll wake him up.

Elijya tugged at Karem-Knight's arm.

Elijya: Wakey, wakey!

Nothing happened.

Elijya: Um.

Holly Goodhead: Put him down, sir. The station's medical team can deal with the body.

Elijya: Let's not speak of this.

Abaddon: I think it'd be bad to leave him there.

Elijya: Watch yourself, boy. I am NOT getting blamed for another astronaut's death!

Abaddon: Another?

Elijya: Come on, Malice is waiting for us.

A little worried, the crew followed their captain out of the air-lock, leaving Karem-Knight's body on the ground. It lay still for a moment, before opening its eyes, which, if this were a movie, would be startling to the audience, but its not, okay, so just shut up! I get up every day and slave over a hot keyboard for you, and what do I get? Nothing! Just criticism, and.... Er... Sorry. Back to the story.

Karem-Knight opened his eyes.

Karem-Knight: Excellent. Now, I can begin my evil plot! Mwahaha! None shall know that I not only live, but I'm watching them in their own vessel!

Hippie Hunter: Hi, Karem-Knight.

Karem-Knight: D'oh . Well, so much for that.

 

[The Squirrel]

Holly Goodhead: This is why intelligent extra-terrestrials never talk to us.

bored: That, and the incident at the White House Toga Party two years ago.

I smell prequel.

Or atleast an interesting flashback.

Or nothing at all.

 

[bored]

Malice: Elijya!

Elijya: Malice!

The two captains engaged in a totally manly, completely not-gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) Mod hug.

Malice: I'll be showing you to your quarters shortly. Because of recent events, you'll have individual rooms now.

Elijya: Well that's good. I don't want to sleep anywhere near that pants-pooper Dog Lips.

Dog Lips: It was only that one time .

Malice: You keep your fecal matters to yourself, Dog Lips. The rest of you, follow me to the bridge.

Dog Lips: Wait, does that mean I stay here?

Malice: Just stay a few feet away from me, stinky.

The crew followed Malice into the Tukiluka Memorial Space Station.

Malice: I'd like you to meet our janitor, The Squirrel.

The Squirrel: Whaddup?

The fuzzy little space-janitor was holding a mop, cleaning a long, white hallway.

Holly Goodhead: Do you actually have that much work to do here?

The Squirrel: Why wouldn't I? This is a big place.

Holly Goodhead: But it's a space station. I'd think you'd keep it relatively sterile.

Malice: Sterile? Why?

Holly Goodhead: So that you didn't bring any harmful bacteria into space, and vice versa.

The Squirrel: Oh, like that'll happen. You make it sound like we'll bring back some kind of evil aliens with us to Earth.

The janitor suddenly clutched his chest.

Malice: Are you okay, Squirrel?

The Squirrel: Heartburn...

There was a pounding from within his torso.

Malice: Stand back, everyone!

Abaddon: I think I know what's about to happen.

The Squirrel slumped to the floor, and a tiny, fuzzy creature burst from his chest.

Squeekness: Free at last!

It took off down the hall.

Malice: Um.

Elijya: I didn't see anything. Did you guys?

Corinthian: No.

bored: Not a thing.

Holly Goodhead: What was that?

Malice: Nothing! Move along everyone!

The Squirrel: Wait... Somebody... Get me a band-aid, and some alka-seltzer....

Malice: .....

Everyone nervously moved away.

Malice: So who wants to see the big window that I moon Earth from?

Elijya: Hey, maybe we can earth the Moon!

Malice smacked him.

Elijya: I deserved that.

 

[Abaddon]

heh!uh-oh!wtf?lol!


was my reaction.

 

[Mee]

Haha, I love this.

 

[bored]

Elijya: What's with all the long, white hallways in this place?

Malice: We got a discount on them at Ikea. I've been thinking about painting them. Ah, we're here! Welcome to the bridge!

Malice led the crew over a walkway, overlooking a large pool of water.

Holly Goodhead: Is this the water reservoir, Captain Malice?

Malice: This, oh, no. This is the swimming pool. We excercise in it to prevent muscle atrophy.

bored: You have gravity on this station, though.

Malice: Well, that explains alot.



A few days previous....

Tsunulia: Captain, please give me that urn back. We were paid a great deal of money to launch this man's ashes into space.

Malice: Okay then, catch!

Tsunulia, on the other side of the room, panicked as she ran for the airborn urn.

Malice: Come on, it'll be fine.

The urn fell to the floor, and shattered.

Tsunulia: Dammit, Captain!

Malice: Why didn't that float? Eh, must've been a fat guy.



Elijya: It's okay, Malice. We all make mistakes.

Malice: I suppose. Okay, everyone, welcome to The Bridge! This is the one where I make decisions, like in "Star Trek". We even have Data.

Brett Spiner: I'm just an actor. Please let me go.

Malice: Quiet, you, or all put you in sleep mode.

Brett Spiner: No! Not again!

Malice: That's right. Now keep your cyborg mouth shut, boy! Okay, everyone, meet the crew of the Tukiluka Memorial Space Station. There's Tsunulia, our scientist.

Tsunulia: Hello.

Malice: No talking.

Tsunulia:

Malice: There's Twylight, our girl who is just sort of here. Zev, our other other, less ambitious scientist, Hippie Hunter, our technician-

Hippie Hunter: Hey, guys. I think you lost this person on your way in.

He gestured to Karem-Knight, who had perched himself on Hippie Hunter's lap.

Elijya: Egads! He lives!

Malice: That's the power of space, my friend. Moving on, here's our cooking staff, Jaguarr, LarryLegend, and TheSumofGod

TheSumofGod: I made aluminum hats for anyone who wants to protect their brains.

Malice: Hey, could I get a new one? My old one didn't fit well.

TheSumofGod: At once!

The eccentric cook ran off to the kitchen.

Malice: Everyone should get to know that guy. He's full of interesting information. Okay, lastly, I want you to meet our pilots, DBella-

bored, Elijya, Dog Lips, and Abaddon: *drool*

Malice: -and Mr. Thing.

Everyone looked at Holly Goodhead.

Holly Goodhead: Not a chance.

Mr. Thing: Come on, just a little?

Holly Goodhead: No.

Malice: Well, settle in, everyone. We've got a long trip to Mars, and someone, I won't name names...

He eyed Zev.

Malice: ...Someone damaged the projector for the movie screen, so no in-flight "Little Man" for us.

Dog Lips: Aww...

 

[The Squirrel]

Malice: I suppose. Okay, everyone, welcome to The Bridge! This is the one where I make decisions, like in "Star Trek". We even have Data.

Brett Spiner: I'm just an actor. Please let me go.

Malice: Quiet, you, or all put you in sleep mode.

Brett Spiner: No! Not again!

Keep up the great story.

 

[xii22_loop]

eeeek

 

[bored]

Elijya's crew settled into the travelling space station quickly. Thanks to some quick thinking on bored's part, as well as duct tape (which is never not handy), the film projector was fixed, though somebody had damaged the copy of "Little Man".

Malice: I'm sorry, everyone, but it seems we won't be experiencing the latest comic masterpiece from the Wayans brothers.

Corinthian: Noooooo!!!!!!

The next week was uneventful, as they would not be leaving orbit until a camera crew showed up to document the trip. Bored and Abaddon frequently tried to help on the bridge, but were always kicked out.

Abaddon: Come on, we've got nothing to do here!

bored: I'm perpetually in my namesake mind-set. Can we at least blow up asteroids?

DBella: For the last time, those weren't asteroids, those were sattelites! Sirius Radio is suing us for that!



Meanwhile, down on Earth, in a small studio....

Howard Stern: I'm ruined! *sob*



bored: Well, that doesn't leave us with much. There's nothing to do here.

Abaddon: I know. I wonder where Dog Lips is? I never see him anymore.

bored: I don't know. He said he was going to try and see what that big room that Malice and Elijya won't let anyone else in was.

Abaddon: So that means he's either imprisoned there, or it's so wonderful that he won't leave. Knowing Dog, it's the latter, otherwise he'd have sent out for help.

bored: Should we check it out?

Abaddon: Absolutely.

The two ventured off to find Dog Lips, and hopefully something to do.


On the bridge, Mr. Thing anxiously watched his female co-pilot and their new crew member, Holly Goodhead, hoping for them to start flirting with each other. Not with him, mind you, just with each other.

Holly Goodhead: So, got anything to do?

DBella: Not really. I'm sure we'll have to kick those guys from your ship out again soon. Until then, we need to think of something.

Mr. Thing began listening intently, not paying attention to the helm of the ship.

Holly Goodhead: Hold on, I've got something.

She reached into her pocket to pull something out. Mr. Thing didn't look to see what, but kept listening.

DBella: What should we do with that?

Holly Goodhead: We can play a little "Egyptian Ratscrew". That'll keep us occupied for a while.

Mr. Thing began whistling nonchalantly.

DBella: Oh, I know that game. It's fun. I loved it in college, with my sorority sisters.

Mr. Thing's eyes widened. He still resisted looking.

Holly Goodhead: I should warn you, I go very fast.

DBella: Don't worry, that's how I like it. Just don't hurt me. I always got so sore from that game.

Holly Goodhead: Don't worry, my hands are gentle.

Mr. Thing: Great googly-moogly!

The two women stared at him.

DBella: What?

Mr. Thing finally turned around to look. Holly held a deck of playing cards in her hand.

Holly Goodhead: Were you interested in playing? It is better with more than two people.

Mr. Thing looked at the cards, then at Holly.

Mr. Thing: Dammit, now it isn't hot anymore!

DBella and Holly Goodhead: ....

Mr. Thing: Yes it is .


Abaddon: Hey, bored, I think we found it.

The two came across a door reading "Malice and Elijya's Clubhows, No grlz, crew memberz allowd", with a picture of a skull and crossbones.

bored: Does that skull have vampire teeth?

Abaddon: Yeah. And a smiley face.

The Squirrel: Stop right there!

bored: Hey, Squirrel, you're alive!

The Squirrel: Yeah.

bored: But didn't Squeekness burst out of your chest?

The Squirrel: Yep. Check this out.

He unbuttoned his shirt.

bored: Duuuuude.

There was a gaping hole in his chest.

bored: That is going to leave one awesome scar, Squirrel.

The Squirrel: Yeah, I know. Now, can I get you guys to leave this door alone?

Abaddon: Why? What's in there?

The Squirrel: I don't know. It's just that none of us are supposed to go in.

bored: You've never thought about what might be inside?

The Squirrel: No, not really. Though now that you mention it, I bet it's pretty cool.

bored: So let's check it out.

The Squirrel reached for his key ring, and unlocked the door. They slowly pulled it open, and looked inside.

bored: Dude.

Abaddon: No way.

The Squirrel: How did I miss that?

 

[Batman]

Great stuff as always, bored.

...

Where the hell am I? Probably off in the brig, armed with an 8x10 of Katie Holmes...

 

[Swordmaster]

bored...you're a ****ing genius

 

[bored]

A smiley face to anyone who can guess what Broadway musical I took a bit of dialogue from for Malice.

---------------------------


The three crew members entered the room.

bored: Is that a-

Abaddon: It is. Holy ****.

The Squirrel: It's a water slide? This is what they were keeping secret? A water slide?!

Abaddon: And an Orange Julius stand. Why is this on a space station?

Suddenly, all three felt blades poking at their backs.

Malice: What are you doing here?

bored: We were curious, and-

Malice: I told you never to come here!

bored: Well, you didn't really say much about it. There was the sign, though.

Malice: Do you know what you could have done?

bored: Used the water slide?

Malice: Get out!

He slapped bored with the flat part of his knife.

bored: Ow.

Malice: Oh, no. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. I didn't mean to hurt you.

bored: Huh?

Malice: And in my twisted faaaaace/
There's not the slightest traaaaace/
Of anything that even hints at kindneeeessss.....

Elijya: Malice!

Malice: Huh? Oh, sorry. You can't be here!

Dog Lips: What do we do with them?

Abaddon: Dog, you're okay!

Malice: Twy, get them out of here! Squirrel, I'm especially disappointed in you.

Twylight emerged from a far part of the secret chamber, dressed in a French maid's uniform.

Abaddon: There is a God.



Meanwhile, in Hawaii....

God: What's that, Carol? We got Abaddon? Kick ass.



Twylight: Please don't tell the rest of the crew about this.

bored: If Abaddon's jaw ever raises back up, I think he'll comply. Dog Lips, what happened in there? Why did you disappear like that on us?

Dog Lips: I'll explain later, guys.

Elijya: Come on, Dog. Us Mods have to go do important Mod things to do. Like playing Super Nintendo.

Malice: I am master of all that is Street Fighter 2!

bored: Us Mods? Dog, what's going on?

Dog Lips: You'll find out later. I've gotta go. Malice needs to be schooled.

Malice: I call Ryu!

Dog Lips: Duh. I can own you as Zangief if I want to, sucka!

Twylight led the three far from the secret room.

bored: So, explain the outfit. I mean, I have a pretty good idea, but-

Abaddon: More importantly, does it involve being acrobatic?

Twylight: Honestly, I just have to keep that place clean, and they like the dress.

bored: Figures.

Twylight: Still, it tends to get pretty messy in there.

Abaddon: I love you.

bored: Dude.

Twylight: I don't know what they do in there, though, other than use the water slide. Sometimes I hear screaming from under the floor, though. I'm kind of hoping it's just the kitchen I'm hearing.



Meanwhile, in the kitchen....

TheSumofGod: Die, Reptilian bastard!

LarryLegend: Sum, chill, it's just me!

TheSumofGod lunged with his large knife. LarryLegend screamed.



Later, Dog Lips rejoined bored and Abaddon in the cafeteria. LarryLegend scooped out mashed space-potatos for them, looking very timid.

LarryLegend: My skin was just a little dry....

bored: Right.

Dog Lips: Okay guys, I think an explanation is due.

LarryLegend: I'm not a Reptilian, I swear!

The cook broke down in tears.

Dog Lips: Not for that, though. Some things are better left unexplained.

Abaddon: Agreed.

Dog Lips: Okay, I saw Elijya and Malice entering that room that nobody else is supposed to go in a few days ago, so I slipped in before the door was locked. I saw that water slide, so I decided to go down it, because hey, water slide, you know? Well, there was a trap door at the bottom of the pool, and it opened when I hit the bottom. I found myself strapped into a chair, and there was this hot Asian chick who said she was going to give me a lap dance, and... Oh Xenu, it's too terrible to say!



A few days earlier....

Dog Lips: You....

Aunt Petunia: You ready to get rocked, big boy?

Dog Lips: ..... .....:meow:



Dog Lips took a deep breath, and regained his composure.

Dog Lips: Anyway, I was subjected to that for forty-eight hours, solid, when Malice released me. He said I'd miraculously survived, which I'll agree with, and that I'd earned 'it'.

Abaddon: What was 'it'?

Dog Lips: Well, I'm kind a... A Moderator now.



Meanwhile, on Earth....

Daisy: What's wrong, Dew?

Dew K. Mosi: I sense a great disturbance in the Force.

 

[The Squirrel]

A smiley face to anyone who can guess what Broadway musical I took a bit of dialogue from for Malice.

Beauty and the Beast?

That would be my guess.

Good story.

 

[bored]

Beauty and the Beast?

That would be my guess.

Good story.

Congratulations.

 

[The Squirrel]

Congratulations.

t:

 

[Alexia Dark]

I read this only for the reference. Thanks for getting my hopes of a Hype and Broadway-inspired spoof .

Maybe I should make one.

 

[bored]

Bored sat in a chair on the Bridge, triumphant.

DBella: Okay, you're in. Will you finally shut up?

bored: Nevah!

DBella groaned, rolled her eyes, and undid the top button of her shirt.

DBella: Please, Mr. Bored, just so I can have a little quiet?

She smiled coquettishly.

bored: Well...

DBella: I do like it when a man doesn't just want to be the... center of attention.

She put her hand on his wrist.

bored: I'll be quiet.

DBella: Good.

She returned to her station.

bored: *thinking* She totally wants me.

DBella: *thinking* Ugh, I'm going to need so much therapy now.



A craft approached the Tukiluka Memorial Space Station.

sinewave: Eeeexxxccceeellleeentttt.... We nearrrr the sssstation.

Maxwell's Demon: Dude, stop talking like that.

sinewave: Fine. You're no fun at all, are you?

Maxwell's Demon: It's your fault we couldn't make it on the last space shuttle up here. We've missed almost two weeks of the mission. We don't have a beginning for our documentary!

sinewave: So what? Our last one had one, at it was a bomb.

Maxwell's Demon: That's because our last documentary was "The Real Brokeback Mountain"!

Dread: Could you guys stop yelling? This cockpit is crowded with just the three of us, I don't need you liberals yelling in my ears.

sinewave: What does us being liberals have to do with anything?

Dread: Oh, sorry, I have a blood disorder that makes me make pointless comments about stupid commie liberals whenever I speak.

sinewave: You're a brave man, Dread.

Maxwell's Demon: We'll donate some of the proceeds from our movie to finding a cure.

Dread: Oh, you just want to use stem cells, don't you?

Maxwell's Demon: Hey!

Dread: Sorry, it's my America hating blood disorder.



Malice: Who is that?

DBella: I believe it's the film crew we've been waiting on, Captain.

Elijya: Don't listen to that lying harlot, Mal. Women are evil!

DBella: Sir, don't you have a wife back on Earth?

Elijya: She makes my dinner!

DBella: Of course.

Holly Goodhead: Be glad you never had to sit next to him on a rocket ship.

DBella: I can only imagine.

Malice: So, these supposed 'film makers', who are they?

DBella: Sinewave and Maxwell's Demon.

Malice: Who?

Zev: Omigod! Sinewave? Maxwell's Demon? They made "The Real Brokeback Mountain"!

The other crew members looked to Zev.

Zev: I- *achem*- was channel surfing, and it was on Showtime, and, er....

Malice: I wish you knew how to quit premium cable, Zev.

Holly Goodhead: They seem to have requested permission to dock, Captains.

Malice: Well, grant it.

Holly Goodhead: They also seem to have gone ahead and done it anyway, without waiting for an answer.

Malice: Jackasses. Bored, go to the kitchen, and have Jaguarr put laxatives in their Tang.

bored: Can do, sir!

 

[DBella]

Great, great stuff bored! Glad I found this before I've too many chapters to catch up on. A very enjoyable read and it made me think of Pigs in Space.