One More Piece of Crap: The Worst Spider-Man Story You'll Ever Read

[J. J. Jameson]

Have fun with this one. t: Inspired by the discussions in the "One More Day" thread. There will be 13 Episodes at least initially. If I feel like doing more, I will. I'm currently finishing up the 6th. I'd tell you to enjoy...but this is going to be awful (but hopefully funny.) Oh...comments are welcomed. Here's Episode 1:

[The lights go up and Mary Jane is sitting at home shoveling mouthfuls of Rocky Road Ice Cream into her mouth, very messily, I might add. It’s all over her clothing and the furniture. She’s watching Animal Planet. Peter enters stage left.]

PETER:
Honey! I’m ho-ooo-me!

MJ:
Stuff it, I’m watching the cute little animals.

PETER:
[chuckles] Again? You love that channel, don’t you.

MJ:
Shut up.

PETER:
I love you, my sniggley pie.

MJ:
I want pie.

PETER:
[chuckles] That’s my girl!

[Audience laugher.]

MJ:
Not your girl, you mook.

PETER:
[chuckles]

MJ:
Stop chuckling.

PETER:
[chuckles] Whatever you say, dear.

MJ:
The hospital called about the old woman.

PETER:
Oh?

MJ:
Yeah. She’s gonna kick the bucket.

[Audience laughter]

PETER:
[squeal] Hooray! Honey, do you know what this means?!

MJ:
Funeral, lawyers, and an undertaker? Oh, and headaches. Don’t forget headaches.

PETER:
No, pumpkin. Inheritance money!!

MJ:
Money means…

PETER:
Additions to my Princess Polly collection, which I worship day and night?

MJ:
No, you idiot. Ice cream and cute little furry animals!

PETER:
[chuckles] As long as they’re on your side of the bed, dear.

[Audience laughter]

MJ:
So, wanna bet on how long the old woman will last?

PETER:
Not tonight, dear. I’ve gotta pay my gambling bills from last week still!

[Audience laughter]

[Peter sits down beside MJ.]

PETER:
So you gonna share the ice cream or not?

MJ:
[snarl] Nevah!!

PETER:
[chuckles] That’s my pumpkin!

[Audience laughter]

[The minutes pass, MJ stuffs her face, Peter gets told to stuff it. And all is quiet. Until…]

[CRASH!]

PETER:
Holy Hollerin’ Hoopers, Batman!

MJ:
What is it?!

PETER:
Batman!

MJ:
Who?

PETER:
Batman!

MJ:
Peter, that’s Tony Stark crashing into our window in a drunken stupor wearing nothing but a pair of boxers that say “This is why I’m hot.”


PETER:
Batman!

[Audience laughter]

MJ:
Tony, what are you doing here?

TONY:
[burp] I’m here to….

[Lights go dim, And an announcer says, “Join us next week to find out what nearly nude Tony Stark wants with our two fabulous lovers! Don’t miss it, True Believer!”]

 

[arachnid-guy]

This is the best thread I've seen in a long time.

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 2

[The lights come up. MJ and Peter are sitting on a couch in front of the TV on center stage. Tony Stark, wearing only a pair of boxers that say “This is why I’m hot” is standing stage right, having just broken in the window. Oh yeah…Tony’s drunk.]

MJ:
Tony, what is it?

PETER:
Batman!

[Audience laughter]

TONY:
I’m here to…

MJ:
Give us some dough?

PETER:
Give us Batman?

TONY:
No to the money, Yes to the Batman if you’re good to me. He’s in my closet.

PETER:
Oh boy!

[Audience laughter]

TONY:
What I really want to do is invite you to Tony Stark’s House of Ribs for a celebration!

PETER:
Because you knocked off that old geezer…Captain America?

TONY:
Yes…

[Audience Laughter]

TONY:
…and the fact that you and MJ only have on more day together!

MJ:
Then he’s gone? [points a thumb to Peter]

TONY:
You bet my Aunt Petunia’s sweet life!

MJ:
This IS cause for celebration!

[Audience laughter]

PETER:
Holy Hollerin’ Hoopers, Batman!

[Audience laughter]

TONY:
The news gets better! Using the ultra cool built in wi-fi enable doohickey installed in my boxers, I just received word that your Aunt is dead!

PETER:
Money!

MJ:
Can that thing tell you how much, Tony?

TONY:
No…why bust my butt on financial things! If I need more money, I’ll rob a bank, which is how I made my millions!

[Audience laughter]

TONY:
And it’s called the “Buh Buh Butt receiver.”

MJ:
“The Butt Receiver?”

TONY:
The BUH BUH Butt receiver.

MJ:
What else does it do?

TONY:
Well, it tells me when we have a new shipment of ribs at Tony Stark’s House of Ribs.

[Audience laughter.]

PETER:
I’m starving! Can we go now?

TONY:
Do you want Batman or not? Now shut up!

PETER:
Are you sweet on my wife?

TONY:
No. I’m sweet on you.

PETER:
Oh boy!!

[Audience laugher]

TONY:
Now shut up, Peter. MJ and I are talking. So MJ…

MJ:
What’s on the menu tonight?

TONY:
Well, let me check my butt.

[Audience laughter]

TONY:
According to my butt’s calculations, we are having a Joe Q. Special with a side of Bendis Soup. For dessert, Millar n’ McNiven pudding sounds good. My favorite dish is the Loeb casserole. It’s always on Sale!

[Audience laughter]

MJ:
Well what are we waiting for? Let’s eat! But how are we getting there?

[Tony presses a button on his boxers and seating area extends from his butt along with two rocket boosters.]

TONY:
The rides on me! [wink, wink]

[Audience laughter]

[Lights go dim and the announcer says, “What else does House of Ribs have on the menu? And what about how much money Aunt May left? And most importantly, what else can Tony’s boxers do? Find out next episode, True Believer! Make Mine Marvel!”]

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 3

[Lights go up. Peter and MJ are riding on Tony Stark’s pimped out pair of boxers. They’ve just arrived at the jazzing Tony Stark’s House of Ribs and are getting ready to P-A-R-T-Y! Jazz band is playing a jazzy tune to make the atmosphere jazzy. Lights are jazzy, the mood is jazzy, and the tables are jazzy.]

PETER:
Yo, yo! This place is jazzy!

MJ:
Tell me about it, hot stuff.

TONY:
Could you please exit my butt? I’m getting a cramp.

[Audience laughter]

MJ:
Oh, sorry. [Gets off butt-mobile]

PETER:
There’s a jazzy table by that jazzy coroner!

MJ:
I think you mean “corner”

PETER:
No, a coroner. Unless it’s Batman!

TONY:
No, it is a coroner! However, he doesn’t look very jazzy.

PETER:
Hmph. You’re too drunk to know what jazzy is.

TONY:
[laughs] He’s right!

[Audience laughter]

TONY:
But I do know that he’s carrying an old woman. Must be your aunt, slick.

PETER:
Darn it! She can’t even leave me alone when she’s dead!

MJ:
Maybe she’s got money in her pockets!

PETER:
Are you kidding me? I picked her pocket last night!

[All three chuckle. Audience laughter.]

TONY:
’Sup Mr. Dead People Examiner Dude?

CORONER:
Tony Stark! It’s been ages! Remember when—

TONY:
Not in front of guests, Bob.

CORONER:
Oh, riiiiight. Gotcha.

TONY:
So why are you unjazzing my jazzy establishment?

CORONER:
You mean the old woman?

TONY:
You know it, smooth stuff.

CORONER:
I don’t want the body. I thought Mr. Spider-Man—

PETER:
Did you say Batman?! Where?! I HAVE YOU ON MY UNDERWEAR, BATMAN!!

[Audience laughter]

CORONER:
Spider-Man.


PETER:
Not Batman?

CORONER:
No.

PETER:
Yes Batman?

CORONER:
No.

PETER:
No Batman?

CORONER:
Yes.

PETER:
Where?!

CORONER:
Mrs. Parker, perhaps you could deal with the body?

MJ:
Oh, sure.

[MJ takes the body and winds up a pitch…]

MJ:
Peter! Fetch!!

[…and throws the body out the window, with Peter jumping after it.]

[Audience laugher]

MJ:
That got rid of him.

CORONER:
Sure did.

TONY:
So…hot tub?

MJ and CORONER:
Heck yeah, baby!

[Lights go dim, announcer says: “Join us next time when we see Tony, MJ, and the unjazzy Coroner all huddled together in a hot tub! [Chuckles] Nope, I don’t get it either! Excelsior!]

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 4

[Lights go up. We see a city at night. Announcer says, “Meanwhile…”. Peter and Aunt May’s corpse fall from up above.]

PETER:
Hang on Aunt May! I’ll save you!!

[They both hit the ground, Peter lands on his feet, Aunt May’s corpse turns to pulp.]

PETER:
Oh. Well, um, you look a little beyond saving. Oh well.

[Audience Laughter]

[Peter looks around at the empty streets.]

PETER:
Say, this is a Spider-Man story…and so far I’ve only been Peter Parker. You know what this story needs? Batman!

[Audience Laughter]

[Peter changes costume, into full Spidey duds. However, as a quick modification, he throws on a rubber Batman cowl and a black cape over his own costume.]

PETER:
For justice! Away!!

[Peter runs down the alley until he hears…]

CITIZEN:
Help! Somebody help!

PETER:
Do my Bat-ears hear a citizen in need? Quick! Fly, my Bat-webs!!

[Peter rushes over to the source of the noise, which is a woman trapped under a car that has hit a light pole.]

CITIZEN:
Oh Spider-Man! Thank goodness you’re here to save me!

PETER:
I’m Batman.

CITIZEN:
Huh? I pretty sure you’re Spider-Man.

PETER:
You’re delusional. The toxic gases are making you delusional.

CITIZEN:
What toxic gases?

PETER:
These! Bat-farts away!!

[Peter cuts the cheese. In a big way]

[Lots of audience laughter]

CITIZEN:
Ahh! Killer mustered seed gas!

PETER:
Bat-farts.

CITIZEN:
*Choke*

PETER:
Oh no! She’s choking! Breathe deeply!

CITIZEN:
[breathes deeply, and chokes more.] *Choke*

PETER:
Well, I’m no doctor, so it looks like you’re going to die! Tough break, lady. Well, I have to be going! Later!

[Lights go dim. When the lights come back up, we see Tony, MJ, and the Coroner all in a hot tub in a moody corner of Tony Stark’s House of Ribs.]

MJ:
Tony, this hot tub is awesome!

CORONER:
I know, dude! I’m lovin’ the bubble maker.

TONY:
There’s no bubble maker in here…

MJ:
Oh sorry, that’s me. [all three chuckle]

[Audience Laughter]

TONY:
Wonder how Pete’s doing?

MJ:
Who cares? I’ll never have to see him again.

CORONER:
That’s right…So what are you doing this Friday?

MJ:
Honey, I’m waaaay out of your league.

CORONER:
She’s right!

[Audience laughter]

TONY:
MJ, are you wearing clothes?

MJ:
Nope!

TONY:
[grins] What are you doing this Friday?

MJ:
Anything you want me to, you big hunk.

TONY:
Psh…sorry, baby, I’m way out of your league.

MJ:
He’s right!

[Audience laughter]

CORONER:
So, how about some more bubbles, MJ!

MJ:
Coming right up!

[Audience laughter]

[Lights go dim. When they come back up, we’re back with Spidey in an abandoned alley. Or so he thinks.]

PETER:
I should probably get back to Tony and MJ and that jazzy Coroner. Who knows what they’re up to. They might need saving!

[He continues to walk down the alley]

PETER:
[whistles]

[All of a sudden Batman, the real one, jumps down from a roof top, and then stands directly in front of Peter. He’s big and his showdown covers Peter.]

BATMAN:
You stole my costume.

PETER:
Oh crap…


[The lights go dim and the announcer comes on saying, “Well, that’s all for tonight, folks! Come back tomorrow and you’ll see Spidey get his butt handed to him! I know, I don’t want to miss it either! ‘Nuff said!”]

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 5

[Lights come up. We’re back at Tony Stark’s House of Ribs. Tony, MJ, and the Coroner are all out of the hot tub. (MJ is wearing clothes now.) Tony is more dressed than before…now he has a full chef’s outfit on, complete with an apron that says, “Kiss the Cook.” The Coroner is in one of those creepy white robes that you picture coroners wearing.]

TONY:
What now, ladies?

CORONER:
I’m a man.

TONY:
[chuckles] Whatever.

[Audience laughter]

MJ:
I think we should go find Peter.

TONY:
You’re missing him?

MJ:
No, I want to abuse him for no reason whatsoever.

TONY:
Well alright then! Now we’ll have some fun!

[Meanwhile…the lights go dim, and when they come back up we’re back in the dark alley where Spider-Man, dressed in a ridiculous rubber Batman suit, is about to get his butt kicked by the real Batman. Yeah, I think this will be good too.]

BATMAN:
You stole my costume.

PETER:
Oh crap…Look, Bats, we can work this out. I was just kidding, right? I’m a huge fan!

BATMAN:
Scum. This is my city.

PETER:
But this is New York…you live in Gotham.

BATMAN:
Gotham and New York at night are the same thing.

PETER:
Oh. So I work in Gotham city?!

BATMAN:
Surrender.

PETER:
But Bats! I could be your partner! Wait a minute. Speaking of partners—

[Robin flies in from the side and gives Spidey a swift kick to the side of the head, knocking the rubber Batman cowl off of Spider-Man’s head and forcing Spidey to the ground.]

PETER:
Oww.

BATMAN:
Good work, Robin. [turns to Peter] Now, prepare for pain.

PETER:
You mean a real, live Bat-punch?!

BATMAN:
Robin, gag him.

[Robin gags Peter and Batman gives a solid punch to the stomach and then rips off the cape.]

BATMAN:
Never. Steal. My. Costume.

PETER:
Yes, sir. Oww…

BATMAN:
Come on, Robin let’s go back to the Bat-cave.

ROBIN:
Sure thing, Bats. [Turns to Peter] Loser.

[Audience laughter]

PETER:
Well, I’m glad that’s over with. I should probably head on back to Tony Stark’s House of Ribs. MJ is probably missing me.

[Meanwhile, back at Tony Stark’s House of Ribs]

MJ:
I am so not missing Peter. And, Tony, you’ve really outdone yourself with these ribs! They’re delicious.

CORONER:
I totally agree.

TONY:
Well, ladies, glad I could be of service!

CORONER:
I’m a man, remember?

TONY:
Whatever you say, dear.

[Audience laughter]

TONY:
I hate to cut the party short, but I’ve got to go.

MJ:
Aw, where to Tony?

TONY:
To arrest your husband! He’s in violation of the Superhero Registration Act!

CORONER:
That weasel!

TONY:
You’re telling me, doll face!

[Audience laughter]

MJ:
Good luck, Tony. He’s a slippery one. Trust me. I know.

CORONER:
Have fun! We and twenty more orders of ribs will be waiting here when you get back!

TONY:
Stay adorable!

[Audience laughter]

[Tony heads over to the opposite side of the stage, where he suits up and becomes the invincible IRON MAN! And he’s off to find Peter…Meanwhile, we join poor, unsuspecting Peter in the alley]

PETER:
Well, to Tony Stark’s House of Ribs I go! Hey! Woah! Is that a shooting star?! No wait…Up in the sky there! It’s—

IRON MAN:
You are in violation of the Superhero Registration Act! And I am a drunken billionaire who has been appointed by the United States Government to arrest you! How’s that for democracy?

PETER:
Oh crap…and déjà vu!

[Lights go dim and the announcer comes on and says, “Well, folks, it looks like Spidey is going to get his butt handed to him again. You’re right, it’s just as good a second time. See you next time, Marvelite!]

 

[batman11]

Very funny! t:

 

[Web-Head408]

this is some funny stuff!

 

[J. J. Jameson]

this is some funny stuff!

Very funny! t:

Thanks for the comments!

EPISODE 6


[The lights come up and Pete (dressed as Spidey) and Tony (now Iron Man) are getting ready to square off in an alley…]

PETER:
Tony! I don’t care about your stupid Registration Act!

IRON MAN:
Shut up! Surrender or die!

PETER:
Wait…die? Oh, okay you sorry excuse for a drunken billionaire, you’ve gone too far.

IRON MAN:
Oh by the way, I totally made out with MJ.

PETER:
That is it!! The kid gloves are OFF!!!

IRON MAN:
LOL! What are you going to do? Spin a web.

PETER:
[gives Tony an odd look] Did you just say “LOL”?

IRON MAN:
You bet your butt!

PETER:
I love you.

IRON MAN:
Then consider this a sign of my affection!

[Tony, in his weapon filled Iron Man armor, fires a power beam from his glove. Spidey jumps out of the way, courtesy of his Spider Sense. The two fight for a while, Tony fires more power beams, each one missing Spider-Man, while Peter manages to land a few punches. Then, suddenly…]

IRON MAN:
Woah, Pete. Time out. Is that who I think it is?

PETER:
You mean the shadowy figure carrying an AK-47?

IRON MAN:
Oh totally.

PETER:
It looks like…

IRON MAN:
But it can’t be…

PETER:
It is! It’s—

STAN LEE:
All right. Hands where I can see them, punks! I’m packin’ an Uzi in each pocket, too!

[Audience laughter]

PETER:
Stan? Is it really you?

STAN:
No. It’s the Joker.

PETER:
Oh phew! For a second I thought it was actually—

STAN:
Oh course it’s me, you idiot! Now hands where I can see them!

IRON MAN:
But, Stan! You created us! You love us!

STAN:
Tell that to Fantastic Four.

PETER:
*GASP*

IRON MAN:
I’m not scared of you, Stan! Nothing can penetrate my armor.

STAN:
I know your weak spot.

IRON MAN:
Impossible! Nobody knows—

STAN:
Two centimeters above your navel.

IRON MAN:
Egad! You monster!

STAN:
Shut up. Now, I want both your suits.

PETER:
But it’s cold out!

STAN:
Save it, chump! Suits! Now!

[Spidey and Iron Man both comply, leaving them both standing in the alley wearing nothing but their underwear…]


STAN:
See you round, suckers. I’ll make a fortune on eBay.

[Stan Lee exits]

TONY:
Well. This is humiliating.

PETER:
Nah, it isn’t so bad. Do you know how many times I’ve been left standing in an abandoned alley wearing nothing but my underwear?

TONY:
More than I have.

PETER:
How many times do you have?

TONY:
[hesitates] Thirty-seven. And a half.

PETER:
You’re right! It is more than you!

[Audience laughter]

TONY:
Hey! Wait a minute! I still have my boxers…which means I still have my Butt-mobile!

PETER:
[nibbles a fingernail] Actually, Tony, I took your boxers back at the House of Ribs. They’re in MJ’s purse.

[Audience laughter]

TONY:
[worried expression] Then whose boxers are these?

PETER:
Some homeless dude’s.

TONY:
Phew. As long as they don’t belong to Paris Hilton!

[Audience laughter]

TONY:
But now how do we get back to the House of Ribs?

[Car pulls up beside Tony and Peter. MJ and the Coroner are up front. *Honk Honk!*]

MJ:
Need a lift, boys?

TONY:
I thought you were waiting back at the House of Ribs?

CORONER:
We were. But twenty orders of ribs came and went. MJ can really put ‘em away.

MJ:
And then we got bored.

CORONER:
So we stole this car.

MJ:
From a guy named Joe Quesada.

CORNER:
[holds up a magazine] Look! He’s got Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue!!

PETER:
Make room!

MJ:
Peter!

PETER:
Sorry. Man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. It gets my spider sense tingling [wink wink]

[Audience laughter]

[Peter and Tony hop in, and the car is driving away, when Tony breaks the silence.]

TONY:
But then…where’s Joe?

[An unidentified sewer below Manhattan…]

JOE Q:
Hello? Anyone there? Anyone have a care? Excuse me! Yeah, you with the red eyes! Where am I?

VERMIN:
Grrrr…

JOE Q:
Did you steal my car, you little rat?!

VERMIN:
Hungry…

JOE Q:
0h sNApZZ!!!111!

[Lights go dim and the trusty announcer comes on saying, “That’s all for this episode, True Believer. But don’t forget to come back next week to see what’s left of Joe Q. and where our foursome is headed next! Later days, Spidey-phile!]

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 7

[The lights come up, and MJ, the Coroner, Tony, and Peter are all in a car on their way back to Tony Stark’s House of Ribs. Trust me, folks, things are things are really about to heat up.]

TONY:
…And so my lawyer says to Michael Jackson, “Buddy, I don’t care if you’re the King of Spain, you’re not getting into my client’s establishment.” So ol’ Mikey says, “We’ll see what my lawyers say to this.” And my lawyer says, “We don’t let pedophiles into this restaurant.” And Mikey, he’s so shook up he can’t speak. He stomps out the door and I never hear from him again.

PETER:
If they don’t let pedophiles into the House of Ribs, how do you get in?

TONY:
Owner’s privilege.

PETER:
Sneeky.

TONY:
Very.

MJ:
I’m all for socialization , but could we not hear from Tony again? My word, I think I know everything I’ve never wanted to know about you. And this has only been a ten minute drive!

CORONER:
Indeed.

PETER:
Hey, you shut up, you unjazzy dead person examiner person you!

MJ:
Both of you shut up! We’re back.

PETER:
Why are we staying here all night again?

MJ:
One more day.

PETER:
Oh that’s right. [pauses thoughtfully] You know, we never did get that money from the old lady.

MJ:
[teeth gritted] Because someone was too busy dipping into her savings account to pay for his Princess Polly collection!!

PETER:
Hey! Leave Princess Polly out of this! How much money did we spend on ice cream last year?

MJ:
Not as much!

PETER:
Oh, please. Spare me. Fatty.

MJ:
Jerk

[Both cross there arms and have scowls on their faces.]

TONY:
Whoa, whoa, whoa…Chill people. Let’s just get back inside the building. You have to spend more money!

[Audience laughter]

[The foursome walk up the steps and back into the House of Ribs where Peter and Tony are shocked to see…]

PETER:
What the flip?! Who is that in that far booth?

TONY:
Well, I could be drunk, but it looks like MJ and the Coroner.

PETER:
But MJ and the Coroner are standing right beside us.

TONY:
That’s not possible!

PETER:
Two of them are fakes!

MJ w/ Group:
That’s right, silly Spider.

CORONER w/ Group:
We’ve been found out. But no matter!

TONY:
Who are you?! Show us your true forms!

[MJ and the Coroner (the ones with Tony and Peter) morph into true forms…revealing themselves to the most feared alien race of all: The Chuck Norrises!!]

PETER:
Egad! Chuck Norris! And another Chuck Norris! MY GOSH! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!

TONY:
Peter, take emergency action!

[Tony and Peter quickly take down the two Chuck Norris aliens. Peter focuses some hard hitting blows on the MJ-Chuck Norris, while Tony swiftly knocks out the Coroner-Chuck Norris.]

PETER:
They’re out. For now.

[MJ and the Coroner (the real ones) rush over.]

MJ:
What happened?

TONY:
It’s our worst fear. The world is under attack by the Chuck Norrises.

PETER:
And my Spider-sense couldn’t detect them.

TONY:
Do you know what this means?!

PETER:
My reality is shattering? Again.

TONY:
No, you fool! Anyone could be a Chuck Norris!

PETER:
I swear I’m not a Chuck Norris! How could I be a Chuck Norris?

MJ:
If anyone is a Chuck Norris, it’s you, Tony.

CORONER:
That’s preposterous! I’ve know Tony Stark all—

TONY:
No, no. She has a point.

PETER:
The question now is…Who do you trust?!

[Meanwhile…down in the unidentified sewer below Manhattan…]

VERMIN:
Hungry…

JOE Q.:
Wait! Don’t eat me! I’ll do anything!

VERMIN:
Hmm? Anything?

JOE Q.:
Anything!

VERMIN:
Serve my masters. Be the leader of their war.

JOE Q.:
Your masters? Who are they?

VERMIN:
Are you familiar with…Chuck Norris?

[The lights go dim and the trusty announcer comes on and says, “Oh wow, Marvelite. I’m on the edge of my seat here! Who do you trust? Save it for next time! Excelsior!].

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 8

[Lights come up and the scene is once again Tony Stark’s House of Ribs. Peter, Tony (both in their underwear from the alley attack by Stan Lee), MJ, and the unjazzy Coroner are huddled in a booth discussing the most shocking revelation of all: the Chuck Norrises, a dangerous race of shape shifting aliens, have infiltrated earth.]

TONY:
I just don’t understand how this could happen. The Chuck Norrises have never been this stealthy.

PETER:
Well, I don’t know, Mr. Director-of-SHIELD. Who is supposed to monitor this sort of thing? Oh yeah…YOU!

TONY:
Hey you shut up!

PETER:
No, you shut up! You’re too drunk to realize you’re in your underwear, let alone run a worldwide security operation!

TONY:
And you’re just too ******ed to realize you’re in your underwear.

PETER:
Touché, good sir.

TONY:
Thank you, sir.

[Audience laughter]

MJ:
Guys, this is getting us nowhere.

CORONER:
You tell them, hot stuff.

MJ:
Don’t call me hot stuff.

CORONER:
Sorry.

[Audience laughter]

MJ:
We have to find out how it happened. And for that, we go to the source.

TONY:
Tell me, know it all…where is the source?

MJ:
[hesitant]…I am.

[GASP]

[Lights go dim and when they come back up, Joe Quesada and Vermin are making there way through the unidentified sewer beneath Manhattan, to Vermin’s leaders: The Chuck Norrises.

VERMIN:
…I mean, we don’t even get dental insurance. Sure, the overall package is great on paper, but when push comes to shove, I’m still getting a low quality plan.

JOE Q:
Then why are you staying with the Chuck Norrises?

VERMIN:
Babes.

JOE Q:
But don’t they all look like Chuck Norris?

VERMIN:
…

JOE Q:
Never mind. Are we almost there?

VERMIN:
No…we have arrived!

[Before them are hundreds of thousands of Chuck Norrises. They crowd the sewers, all emitting a slow, deep hum of unity. Yeah, it creeps me out, too. But let’s turn our attention to a Chuck Norris who is seated at the far end of the sewer on a platform, which suggests that he must have some authority.]

CHUCK NORRIS LEADER (CNL):
Vermin! What have you brought before me and the rest of our great council?

VERMIN:
Your grace, I have a dweller from above who has agreed to lead your forces to victory against the other above-dwellers.

CNL:
Why has he chosen to betray his brothers?

VERMIN:
He—

CNL:
Silence, scum! He can speak for himself.

JOE Q:
Well…uh…I’d just like to live. And get my car back.

CNL:
It pleases the council. Very well. What is your name, pathetic mortal?

JOE Q:
Joe Quesada.

CNL:
What is your occupation?

JOE Q:
I…uh…I’m the Editor-in-Chief for Marvel Comics.

CNL:
Are you willing to turn your back on all things you once knew and become part of the Chuck Norrises, forsaking your old leader and obey my command only?

JOE Q:
I don’t see why not.

CNL:
And will you lead my troops against the powers that be above us?

JOE Q:
I think that was in the contract…yes.

CNL:
Any other requests?

JOE Q:
Well…like I said…I’d like my car back. And a cool million dollars.

CNL:
Request granted. Guards, escort Commander Quesada to his chambers where he can rest an prepare for war.

JOE Q:
I’d like to say thank you sir.

CNL:
Think nothing of it.

[The guards lead Joe Q. to his new bedroom beneath the city where he goes to prepare for war. Meanwhile, back at the House of Ribs…]

PETER:
How are you the source?!

MJ:
I was at a party one night…and I met a guy. His name was…Chuck. Chuck Norris. He and I married…we had a baby. And then he ran off.

PETER:
EGAD! There was someone before me?

MJ:
And after. Don’t kid yourself.

[Audience laugher]

TONY:
So the baby grew up and took on traits of human nature. It still had the Chuck Norris shape shifting ability, but it was more human than alien. Which is why we couldn’t detect it!

CORONER:
MJ, you fool! You’ve jeopardized the word because of your flippant attitude and loose moral standards. You’ve always been a—

[Peter reaches over, clobbers the Coroner, and sends him flying out the window.]

PETER:
Don’t EVER talk about my wife like that…at least when I’m around.

MJ:
Thank you.

TONY:
Indeed. Now, about our problem.

PETER:
Don’t worry. I’ve got an idea…

[The lights go dim and the announcer comes on saying, “Oh no! Peter has an idea? You’re right, this will be a mess. See you next time, True Believer, if you want to turn your brain to mush!]

 

[Spider–Man]

I'm certain that this is better than 'One More Day'!

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 9

[The lights come up. We’re still at Tony Stark’s House of Ribs. Peter, MJ, and Tony are sitting at the table, discussing what to do now that they’ve discovered that the Chuck Norris aliens have been living amongst them undetected. Peter just punched the Coroner through the window and has just announced he has an idea on how to solve the problem.]

PETER:
My idea is…call the Avengers!

TONY:
That’s it?

MJ:
No points for creativity.

PETER:
Well that’s what you do anyway! It’s always “Avengers assemble!” and suddenly everything’s better.

TONY:
Not everything.

PETER:
The food still tastes like dirt.

TONY:
See. I rest my case.

[Audience laughter]

MJ:
Besides, thanks to Tony here, what Avengers are left?

PETER:
Well there’s me and Tony…

MJ:
Assuming neither of you are Chuck Norrises. Who else?

PETER:
Well…Captain America is dead, Hank and Janet Pym are fighting and refuse to work together, Ms. Marvel is somewhere holding a grudge against Rogue, The Sentry is too scared to leave his house, Luke Cage is too paranoid to leave his house, Wolverine is already in five places at once…

TONY:
It’s you and me, Peter.

PETER:
We need some new Avengers.

TONY:
Or to convince the others to actually come back.

PETER:
Okay here’s what we do. Tony, you go work on getting Hank and Janet to come back without killing each other and/or getting yourself killed. MJ, you go find Ms. Marvel, since she’ll listen to a woman, and I will go try to get Wolverine come back.

MJ:
Can’t we do anything about Cap?

TONY:
Well…I have an…experiment I’ve been wanting to try. We’ll meet back here to see who we’ve got, then we’ll work on Cap.

PETER:
Sounds good. Oh, and Tony?

TONY:
Yes?

PETER:
It’s probably best if you aren’t drunk.

TONY:
That’s impossible you know. You remember that time when I went in front of the United Nations when I was drunk? Oh man did I ever –

MJ:
Everyone shut up and move out.

[Audience laughter]

[Lights go dim. When they come back up, Tony is in a room with Hank and Janet Pym, a.k.a. Yellow Jacket and Wasp. Hank is on one bed, Janet is on another and they have there backs turned to each other and their arms crossed. They’re in full costume. Tony Stark is sitting between them.]

TONY:
Look, guys, I know this is a lot to ask, but the world is kind of at stake.

HANK:
I don’t care.

JANET:
I care less.

HANK:
Do not.

JANET:
Do too.

HANK:
DO NOT!

JANET:
DO TOO!

TONY:
Shuddup! Guys, please, can’t you agree on anything?

JANET:
Not since I caught him playing with my Princess Polly collection.

HANK:
That was Peter Parker’s fault! He got me into it!

JANET:
Stop it! Stop lying!

TONY:
He’s not lying. Peter is obsessive about Princess Polly.

JANET:
Really?

TONY:
Really.

HANK:
Told you so.

JANET:
I’m sorry smoochie-poo.

HANK:
It’s okay, honey-pie. Kiss and make out?

JANET:
No.

HANK:
Work together?

JANET:
Yes.

TONY:
That settles that. C’mon. Let’s go to Tony Stark’s House of Ribs for a drink.

HANK:
Ribs?

TONY:
Indeed…

HANK:
Lead the way.

[Meanwhile…Peter is working to get Wolverine to come back and help the Avengers.]

PETER:
So how’s it been going, Wolvie?

WOLVERINE:
Snickt snickt bub snickt.

[Audience laughter]

PETER:
Great. So, about the Avengers…

WOLVERINE:
Bub snickt bub snickt snickt.

PETER:
Really? So, you’d consider…

WOLVERINE:
Snickt bub bub snickt.

PETER:
Of course there would be benefits…

WOLVERINE:
Snickt bub snickt.

PETER:
Oh, I totally guarantee they’ll have beer.

WOLVERINE:
Bub snickt.

PETER:
All right! Glad you can join us! Let’s roll!

[While in another part of town, Ms. Marvel and Mary Jane are discussing stuff…]

MJ:
We really need you, Carol.

MARVEL:
I know but after that incident with Tony Stark, Vaseline, and hardboiled eggs, I’m a little worried about coming back. I mean, we don’t even get dental.

[Audience laughter]

MJ:
It’s just a one time thing. Plus, you’re saving the world.

MARVEL:
The world can die for all I care, I just don’t want to have to talk to Tony.

MJ:
Don’t worry, I’ll take care of the talking for you. I’ll even dress up like you if that helps.

MARVEL:
Um. No.

MJ:
No?

MARVEL:
You couldn’t fit in this uniform.

MJ:
Excuse me?!!

MARVEL:
No offense, dear, but have you seen your hips? Honestly, they’re as big as—

[MJ reaches over and slaps Ms. Marvel]

MJ:
We don’t need your help! Hmph. You arrogant little—

MARVEL:
Yeah?! YEAH?! Well I’ll show you! I’m coming anyway!

MJ:
[mumbles] If you survive the trip back…

[Audience laughter]

[Lights go dim and announcer comes on and says, “Things are really heating up, Marvelite! Don’t miss our next show when things get worse! And then WORSE! Make mine Marvel!”]

 

[SuperMonkey]

that first part of the first ep is hot.

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 10


[Lights come up. Back at Tony Stark’s House of Ribs the trio has assembled once more, only this time, they have some guests. Peter has brought Wolverine, MJ has actually made it back with Ms. Marvel (both are in once piece, miraculously), and Tony has brought Hank and Janet Pym, who have now reconciled after Hank confessed his addiction to Princess Polly, which he blamed on Peter Parker and was right to do so. Whew. That about brings us up to speed.]

PETER:
I’ll tell ya, Wolvie here is the life of any party!

WOLVERINE:
Snickt Snickt bub bub.

PETER:
What’d I tell ya?

TONY:
That’s great Peter.

WOLVERINE:
Snickt bub bub snickt.

PETER:
He wants to know about the beer.

TONY:
There is no more beer! He drank it all!

[Audience laughter]

WOLVERINE:
Bub snickt.

PETER:
He wants more or he’s out.

TONY:
(Sighs) My stash is in the back.

[Wolverine gets up and goes to get more beer.]

MJ:
Tony, would you tell Carol that I could fit in her costume?

TONY:
…

MJ:
Tell her.

MS. MARVEL:
Oh shut up, MJ! What’s wrong? Can’t take a joke

MJ:
Hmph. Jerk.

MS. MARVEL:
Idiot.

MJ:
Hog.

MS. MARVEL:
Pig.

HANK:
Ladies! Cool it!

JANET:
Yeah. This is serious!

PETER:
Meh. It ain’t so big. Now, Doc Ock, there’s a menace…

TONY:
Okay! People! People! If I could have your attention!

[Wolverine enters and burps. Audience laughter]

TONY:
(Laughs) Okay…People, we have a bit of situation. Here’s what we know: the Chuck Norris aliens have infiltrated every part of our society. They are undetectable. They are ruthless. They’re mean. They’re bad. They’re going to kill us.

[Silence]

[More silence]

[So much more silence that the audience checks their hearing aids, where applicable, results may vary.]

PETER:
Uh huh.

MJ:
And?

TONY:
And what?

HANK:
What are we gonna do about it?

WOLVERINE:
Snickt bub! Bub bub snickt!

JANET:
He’s right! What’s the point?

TONY:
The point is, they are going to kill us. That’s all there is to it. Who wants more ribs.

PETER:
That’s it?!!

HANK:
What!!

JANET:
We’re not gonna do anything?!

TONY:
Of course not! I already was left standing in my underwear once today and it will NOT happen again.

MJ:
You sicken me, Tony.

TONY:
Look who’s talking! This is your fault!

MJ:
My fault? MY FAULT?

TONY:
Yeah! You’re fault, you good for nothing—

PETER:
That’s about enough, Tony! No one talks to my wife like that except ME. On rare occasions. Okay never, but still--

TONY:
I’m your leader! I’ll arrest you all and throw you in prison!

HANK:
I’d like to see you try, playboy!

[Tony jumps Hank and pins him to the floor.]

TONY:
Take it back!

HANK:
Never, jerk!

PETER:
[Jumps Tony] Hold him down! Time to end this!

MS. MARVEL:
Stay away from Tony, you freaks!

JANET:
Get her, too!

MJ:
With pleasure!

[MJ jumps Ms. Marvel and pins her next to Tony.]

PETER:
Okay, you good for nothing…um…good for nothing…er…uh…good for nothing people things! We are NOT just gonna sit here and let the world go nuts!

MJ:
So the question is, what do we do with them?

WOLVERINE:
Snickt snickt snickt!!

[Wolverine takes care of the Tony and Ms. Marvel the Wolverine way. Needless to say, they won’t be causing trouble anymore. Or will they…]

PETER:
Look! They’re turning into Chuck Norrises now that they’re dead!

MJ:
Ms. Marvel and Tony were both Chuck Norrises all along!

HANK:
But if those were Chuck Norris Carols and Tonys…then where are the real Tony Stark and Ms. Marvel?

[Meanwhile, in an unidentified sewer somewhere deep in the heart of Manhattan, Joe Quesada, the big cheese at Marvel Comics, enters his room provided for him by the Chuck Norris aliens.]

JOE Q:
Wow. Big room.

[Looks around]

JOE Q:
It’s perfect. No one suspects anything. To the Chuck Norrises, I’m a harmless human. If only they knew the truth. If only they knew that “Joe Quesada” is actually…

[Slowly, Joe Q. removes his face, which isn’t actually his face, but only a rubber disguise! He unzips a rubber body suit and steps out, his true identity now revealed.]

TONY STARK:
Tony Stark! Hahahahahaha!

[Lights go dim. The announcer comes on and says, “Holy cheese! I didn’t see that coming! Trust me Marvelite, you don’t wanna miss the next episode! See ya there!]

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 11

[Lights come up. Tony and Ms. Marvel have just been killed by Wolverine. They have been revealed to be Chuck Norris aliens. Meanwhile, Joe Quesada was revealed to actually be the REAL Tony Stark. Ms. Marvel’s true location is unknown. Let’s go back to Tony Stark’s House of Ribs…]

MJ:
Where do we go from here?

HANK:
We find Tony Stark.

JANET:
And Carol.

PETER:
Is no one else here worried that the ribs are getting cold?

[Audience laughter]

WOLVERINE:
Snickt bub.

PETER:
Wolverine’s worried, too.

[Audience laughter]

MJ:
I really wish he wouldn’t talk like that.

PETER:
Hmmm…I think I have just the thing for him.

[He searches through his pockets and pulls out a bottle of…]

PETER:
Jack Daniel’s!!!

MJ:
Marvelous.

PETER:
Quiet. Drink this, Wolvie.

MJ:
Nothing’s happening.

PETER:
Wait for it…

WOLVERINE:
Dang that’s good beer.

PETER:
What’d I tell ya.

MJ:
Shut up. So what are we gonna do?

HANK:
What about the ribs…

JANET:
Shut up about the ribs!

PETER:
Guys, cool it! This is what we do…

WOLVERINE:
For cryin’ out loud, do we have to listen to him?

HANK:
I don’t care for him much either.

MJ:
Hey! You shut your mouth about my husband!

HANK:
Make me.

JANET:
Honey…

HANK:
Quiet. Make me.

MJ:
You’re asking for it, chuckles.

HANK:
Do it.

[MJ tackles HANK and beats him repeatedly. Several uppercuts, round-house kicks, and other painful attacks are thrown at him. He’s got nothing on MJ, who clearly wins the fight and confirms it by biting of his small left toe.

HANK:
YARGG! That hurt!

PETER:
Don’ mess with my wife.

[Audience laughter]

JANET:
That was kinda vicious, MJ.

MJ:
Hmph.

HANK:
What’s to say she couldn’t be a Chuck Norris?

WOVERINE:
Doc Smarty-pants here has a point.

PETER:
Well…couldn’t any of us be a Chuck Norris?

MJ:
He’s right.

JANET:
Very right.

HANK:
But how do we know?

PETER:
Ahem… I think I can answer that.

WOLVERINE:
Oh for the love of…

HANK:
Let’s here it.

PETER:
This war’s been coming for months. We’ve known that. Even during the Civil Bore…

JANET:
Civil War.

PETER:
…Civil Bore we knew repercussions would be huge.

HANK:
You used a four syllable word without hurting yourself. Impressive.

[Audience laughter]

PETER:
[ignoring Hank] So I contacted a friend of mine, so I’d be safe and secure while the world outside tore itself to pieces.

WOLVERINE:
Great responsibility…heh…

PETER:
Ladies, gentlemen…Wolverine…I’d like to introduce you to our ace in the hole. With him on our side, the war is ours. Put your hands together for…

GRUFF VOICE:
I am vengeance.

HANK:
Oh no…

GRUFF VOICE:
I am the night.

MJ:
Please no…

GRUFF VOICE:
I…am…

PETER:
Oh yes…

LARRY KING:
Larry King!

[Lights go dim. Announcer comes on and says, “It just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it? Tune in next week for more action, more drama, and more Larry King!!! Excelsior!”]

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 12

[Tony Stark’s House of Ribs. Larry King is revealed to be Spider-Man’s secret weapon. ‘Nuff said. Let’s get those lights up…]

MJ:
Woah, Woah, Woah…Larry King?

LARRY KING:
Larry King!

JANET:
I think I just threw up a little.

HANK:
This is saving us? How exactly?

PETER:
Well, he’s Larry King. DuH PoWeRZ oF duH pR3zZ!!!!111

MJ:
Don’t talk like that.

PETER:
1iKe diS?

MJ:
[grabs steak knife] What was that?

PETER:
Heh-heh…I didn’t say anything.

MJ:
That’s what I thought.

LARRY KING:
Larry King!

HANK:
Does he say anything else?

PETER:
Well, uh…

LARRY KING:
Larry King!

JANET:
That’s not really Larry King, is it?

PETER:
Of course it’s—

LARRY KING:
Larry King!

HANK:
You dirty rat…Peter! You stole my LMD of Larry!

PETER:
Why would you think I’d do a thing like that?

HANK:
Because he’s standing right there!

PETER:
Look, I don’t want to talk about it.

HANK:
Well I do! You took that out of my closet!

JANET:
I just threw up a little more.

WOLVERINE:
Waiter! Another beer!

MJ:
We can’t just sit here. Listen! Do you hear it outside?

DISTANT CHANTING:
We are Norris! Might mighty Norris! We! Are! NORRIS!!!

PETER:
That’s bad.

HANK:
Really bad.

JANET:
Forget that! We got bigger problems!

[In the corner of a room, a dark red figure appears in a puff of smoke. He looks like certain EiC of a particular comic book company…]

PETER:
Is that…?

WOLVERINE:
Better believe it! That’s—

JOEPHISTO:
Silence, you babbling idiots! I’m in charge here.

JANET:
Joephisto? What kind of name is that?

[JOEPHISTO zaps her with a ‘magical’ lightening bolt, making her disappear in a flash of light!]

JOEPHISTO:
That’s Joephisto Power!!!

WOLVERINE:
LOL!

PETER:
Oh my gosh…Wolvie just said “LOL!” and it’s making me LOL!

HANK:
Idiots! That was my wife!

WOLVERINE:
LOL! Who cares?

MJ:
Excuse me, you testosterone driven jocks? Could you shut up for two seconds? [turns to Joephisto] What do you want?

JOEPHISTO:
That’s not really the question is it? It’s what you want.

PETER:
Hey, wait a minute! I know you. You’re that guy that screwed me over in that one thing…

JOEPHISTO:
That’s Joephisto Power!!!

PETER:
Hmph. I can’t remember it now for some reason…

HANK:
[to Joephisto] What did you mean? “It’s what you want”?

JOEPHISTO:
Just that. What do you want?

WOLVERINE:
I’d like another beer. [Joephisto snaps his fingers, beer appears.] Heck yeah! Give me that ol’ Joephisto Power any day!

JOEPHISTO:
The smart one, I see. What about you? The sniveling little girly-man.

PETER:
Who me?

JOEPHISTO:
Naturally.

PETER:
I’d like—

JOEPHISTO:
Next!

PETER:
But--!

[JOEPHISTO snaps his fingers and makes PETER’s pants disappear.]

JOEPHISTO:
Anyway. Next?

MJ:
I’d like those Chuck Norrises to go away.

JOEPHISTO:
Done!

[The chanting outside stops.]

JOEPHISTO:
What about you? The one in the bee suit.

HANK:
Uh, it’s a yellow jacket actually...

JOEPHISTO:
Whatever.

HANK:
I’d like the real Tony Stark back.

MJ:
But what about your wife?!

HANK:
Tony’s a poker buddy. Duty before booty!

[The REAL Tony Stark appears.]

TONY:
Hey! What happened to all my Chuck Norrises?

MJ:
What?

TONY:
Long story…

WOLVERINE:
Say, Joe-bo…what’s the catch to all this?

JOEPHISTO:
Oh it’s nothing much.

PETER:
How much?

JOEPHISTO:
This much: I want…your marriage!

[Lights go out. Announcer comes on: “Woah! Totally unexpected! *wink wink* See you soon, pedophi—I mean Spidey-phile!”]

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 13--THE BIG FINALE!

[Lights come up. JOEPHISTO has just offered to do anything for any of our despicable heroes. Here’s the catch: He wants Pete and MJ’s marriage. Oh, and JANET was zapped into oblivion, TONY STARK was retrieved and returned to the group, and the Chuck Norries have disappeared. PETER is also pants-less again, as usual.]

JOEPHISTO:
I want your marriage!

PETER:
My marriage? Yeah? Well, I’d like my pants if it’s all the same to you!

JOEPHISTO:
It’s not.

PETER:
Not? Listen up, buddy! I—

[JOEPHISTO zaps a fireball to PETER’s left.]

JOEPHISTO:
You were saying?

PETER:
Uh, let’s talk, eh?

WOLVERINE:
[to Joephisto] Hey, pal! Another beer?

[Beer appears]

WOLVERINE:
You’re good people.

JOEPHISTO:
I know.

TONY:
I want a beautiful woman.

[Jack Black appears.]

TONY:
Screw you!

JACK:
Stick it to the Man! You’re not hardcore unless you live hard—

[JACK disappears.]

TONY:
Thank heavens!

JOEPHISTO:
I’ve got my eye on you.

TONY:
Me too.

WOLVERINE:
[Snikt!] Shut up, Stark.

MJ:
Can we all just hold it a minute? Why on earth do you think I’m going to give you my marriage.

JOEPHISTO:
You’re not.

MJ:
What?

JOEPHISTO:
You’re not. He is. [points to Peter]

PETER:
Why?

JOEPHISTO:
I can offer you an extensive Pretty Polly collection. Mint condition.

PETER:
So?

JOEPHISTO:
With rare body action suit Polly item number 340808!

PETER:
The one only issued in Mongolia!!

MJ:
Peter! It’s me or a doll!

PETER:
I don’t know…it’s so hard to decide…

MJ:
Peter…but think about—

PETER:
Ha! Just kidding, MJ. Now Wolverine!

[WOLVERINE jumps from the table and starts attacking JOEPHISTO. PETER joins. STARK steals WOLVERINE’s beer. HANK scratches his butt. MJ stares at the bizarreness of this whole thing.]

JOEPHISTO:
Scum! I’ll teach you! Listen! The clock strikes midnight! Your marriage is FOREFIT!!!

PETER:
No! I don’t care about Polly…or you…or Tony Stark.

TONY:
Hey…

MJ:
Peter! Don’t listen!

[Clock chimes.]

MJ:
Fight him, Peter!

JOEPHISTO:
NO! You can’t stop my incredibly powerful editorial powers!

PETER:
Tough cookies, Joe!

[Lights begin to dim.]

MJ:
[distant] Remember, Peter! Remember!

[Fade to black.]

[Alarm clock beeps.]

PETER:
Agh!

[PETER wakes up in an apartment. MJ is sleeping beside him.]

PETER:
Wow…what a dream.

MJ:
[mumbling] Wha…?

PETER:
Go back to sleep, babe.

[PETER walks downstairs and finds--]

PETER:
Aunt May! What are you doing here?

AUNT MAY:
Oh, I was up early and I had nothing to do today, so I thought I’d come here and make breakfast for you and Mary Jane.

PETER:
[kisses May] You’re the best lady in the world, Aunt May. And do I smell—

AUNT MAY:
Wheatcakes? Yes, you do.

PETER:
I love this woman.

[PETER and MAY sit down at the table.]

AUNT MAY:
Listen, Peter. I’ve been thinking lately about the future. With that dreadful superhuman Civil War just ending, I think we need to talk about what should happen if something were to happen to me…to any of us.

PETER:
Aunt May—

AUNT MAY:
Now, I know you think it’s too early in the morning to discuss such things and that I’m just being a worry wart, but I really believe it’s something we need to consider. All I want to say is that when my time comes, I’m ready. And if anything happens to me, it means that time is here. You and MJ are young. You have your whole lives to spend with each other. I just want you to know that, Peter. Your happiness is most important to me. It always has been.

PETER:
Aunt May, I love you. I love you so much.

AUNTY:
And I love you, Peter. I always have and always will.

[Pause.]

PETER:
You know…I had the strangest dream last night…

[Lights go dim. Announcer comes on. “And there you have it! Our dreadful Spidey saga ends on a touching note. That about wraps it up for us. But you never know…dreams are often repeated…Until then, True Believer, see you in the funny books!]

THE END!