Please read this and give me suggestions and critiques.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction & Films' started by Matt, Apr 25, 2006.

  1. Matt IKYN Guy Groupie

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    Something I've been working on, any comments on it or ideas where to take it would be most appreciated.

    Kyle hurried down the streets of Metroville with a look of urgency in his dark blue eyes. The small, pale boy could not have been older than 15 but none the less, he flew down the road on his bicycle. The streets of the massive metropolis were abandoned despite the fact that it was only 8:59 PM; the boy was startled upon hearing his watch beep.
    “****,” he exclaimed, his voice echoed throughout the empty streets between the buildings. It was 9 o’clock; curfew had just gone into effect. No sooner than his watch beeped than he heard a swish and saw a blur zoom towards him. It stopped right in front of him grabbing the handlebars of his bike. He looked up, utter dread on his face, because before him was Metroville’s greatest superhero, Ultraman.
    Ultraman towered over him, at least 6’6 and 280 pounds of pure muscle. He wore a crimson red suit of spandex, the color of dark blood. His chest bore a blue insignia of the letters ‘U’ and ‘M’. A navy blue cape also blew behind his back. Ultraman had short, clean cut black hair, and a square jaw that gave him the look of the perfect, all-American Boy Scout. His most unique feature however was his eyes. They were currently fixed upon Kyle, with a cold, steely gaze. His eyes shimmered a silver glow. They were not the eyes of your ordinary man.
    “You’re in violation of curfew,” Ultraman said, his deep voice cold and harsh.
    “Yes sir, my mother, she…she is sick,” he quickly held up a bag from the pharmacy. “I was on my way home, I had to pick up her medicine. I..I got there right as it closed and then curfew went into effect. I am so so sorry. Pl..please just let me go home.”
    Ultraman seemed to ignore the boy’s rant. “I protect this city day in and day out, there has not been a murder in this town in six years. There has not been a robbery in four. A rape in five. All I ask for in return, is that the citizens follow the laws and allow me to do my job. Apparently that is too much for you to do.”
    With the same speed he approached the boy Ultraman reached out and grabbed him by the shirt and lifted him off the bike and in one move slammed Kyle against a wall of a near by building.
    “Ple…please”
    Ultraman turned him to the building and slammed his head through the glass window then pulled him back up; his hand wrapped firmly around Kyle’s now bleeding neck.
    “You were not asked to talk.”
    The boy continued to stammer on incoherently, his face now distorted by glass shards cutting into it and blood dripping pouring down it.
    “I shall pass judgment. You are found guilty of statute 926-B, violation of curfew. Furthermore, you are found guilty of statute 478-A, resistance of an officer of the law. Hmm..” Ultraman looked at the boy, his silver eyes began to shine until his eyes were nothing more than a silver light. He looked at the boy for a few seconds and finally his face returned to normal.
    “In addition to this charges you are found guilty of violent thought crimes. Because of the severity of these thought crimes, I have no choice but to sentence you to death to be carried out immediately. After the sentence a clean up crew will retrieve your body, inform your next of kin and then bury your body at their expense. Have you any last words or requests?”
    “NO! PLEASE!” Kyle screamed
    “Very well.”
    With that Ultraman simply tightened the grip he had on Kyle’s neck and watched as it snapped. He dropped the lifeless body to the ground and without another thought flew into the air, to find the next lawbreaker.
    “A clean up crew will come, retrieve your
     
  2. echostation Registered

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    hey how about we strike a deal, I'll defn post up my comments and views on this along with some questions if you could post your thoughts on mine (it's a topic on the second page that i've been asking people to read... it's the LAST post to read which contains a much more abridged summary of the story I'm working on).

    It's a bit late here but I will get more to it tmrw but I wanted to find out, why Ultraman? Is this the same Ultraman with the red and gold uniform whose a giant? as in is this based off him?

    It's a solid intro so far and I like how your sentences aren't too long, but put in some short punctuated descriptive sentences as well for added impact rather than just on the dialogue... sometimes it can jar the reader which is a good thing.

    Do you plan to make this a sort of city wide awake war against Ultraman? What's the central idea behind the story? Will there be a rebellion? Or is it a more offbeat sort of descriptive tale of how this nasty situation came to be with Ultraman first arising? I think a neat take would be develop the Ultraman charcter from his beginnings to how he's established a totalitarian rule now.

    Some slight issues I have though is that it sounds too much like the opening for V for Vendetta barring the violent outcome, is there anyway you could tighten or sort of refreshen the presentation of a 1984esque Big Brother environment?
     
  3. Matt IKYN Guy Groupie

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    Hey, I shall read yours :) Thank you for the tips.

    Ultraman is just a generic name I choose. Its an original character for the most part, and the rest of the story which I am currently working on is from the point of view of Ultraman's archnemisis supervillian and Ultraman serves mainly as a back character. One scene I just completed is this supervillian (who I have named the Red Coat) witnessing Ultraman executing a purse snatcher. However this time it is infront of a large crowd. What disturbs Red Coat most about this however, is after Ultraman kills this purse snatcher, the people around him cheer and applaude his efforts.

    The people of Metroville are very aware of Ultraman's tyranny, yet for the most part they believe it keeps them safe and are willing to overlook it.

    I don't think I need to spell out that it is a metaphor for the post 9/11 political state.

    Anyway, I have the end involving Red Coat killing Ultraman...afterwards we learn that he is telling the story from a prison cell, awaiting execution. Ultraman is given a hero's funeral. A memorial is built for him, etc...however...just weeks after his death, The Order (who I believed I mentioned briefly in the opening and are a political party elected on the coattails of Ultraman) are voted out of power and the people enjoy their new found freedoms.
     
  4. Abaddon Watching

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    You make the time to write this and read the works of others,but you can't make time for me.Harsh.



    anyways,the premise is interesting,though if you're going for a 1984-esque type story you're going to need to make some stronger distinctions.
     

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