Sony Defense Force reviews non-Playstation games!

[hippie_hunter]

Review of Super Mario Galaxy

Never before have I seen a title of such great importance continue to fall from grace with each successive installment. We all have glowing memories of playing Mario 64 at a Toys R’ Us kiosk back when the revolutionary title released alongside the Nintendo 64 in ‘96, but like Super Mario Sunshine before it, Mario Galaxy represents a significant regression for the franchise.

While other publications are being handsomely rewarded for their stellar reviews of Mario Galaxy courtesy of Iwata himself, Sony Defense Force is not paid or endorsed by any commercial interests. This is the only website where you will find genuine, unadulterated impressions of the year’s most hyped titles. Unfortunately, Mario Galaxy is marred with numerous gameplay decisions that ultimately have me questioning what Nintendo was doing for the years they spent developing the title.

One of the primary faults of the game deals with the simplistic gameplay. Mario Galaxy’s formula for game design can be summed up as follows:

1. Randomly place normal items (apples, jars, bugs) in outer space.

2. Have mario waggle his way from each small planetoid by either collecting one of five items, destroying all the enemies on the planet, or finding a way to unlock a star pad.

3. Eventually you will manage to waggle your way to the end planet, where you will have to perform some simplistic task in order to attain a star.

Repeat this process 120 times, and you have Mario Galaxy summed up quite well. While Mario 64 boasted of large, expansive environments, Galaxy mainly has Mario traversing the smallest land masses imaginable in a very linear fashion. After the first few stars, the average player will get tired of this repeated gameplay process. It must be noted that the game appears to be limited by last-gen hardware. The Wii/Gamecube just simply isn’t capable of rendering large, open environments in HD. Perhaps if Mario Galaxy were on the PS3, they’d be able to create a truly next-gen mario because Galaxy looks marginally upgraded from 64 which was released over 11 years ago.

Another flaw is that the combat mechanics are also in desperate need of revision. While games like Uncharted are making the combat an engaging experience, Mario Galaxy’s combat involves jumping on enemies heads or waggling your waggle-stick for a waggle-attack. Perhaps this would work well if the core gameplay itself was challenging or difficult; but it’s not. The game appears to be designed for a 4 year old. It’s easier than the original Mario on the NES.

Overall, to say Mario Galaxy is a disaster is an understatement. If you’re an easily amused child with a hard-on for nostalgia, pick up Mario Galaxy. Otherwise, if you’re an intelligent gamer that is interested in a real videogame experience, pick up a Playstation 3 and have a turn at Uncharted, easily this year’s best.

They gave the game a 1/10

 

[hippie_hunter]

Sony Defense Force's impressions on Mass Effect

graphics = god awful
frame rate = awful
shooting = god awful
noise filter = makes me want to kill someone
pacing = very slow
controls = almost bearable
most planets = barren and dull
story = generic

Not sure how this game is getting 9s in some publications, but then again we aren’t an ad-driven site so who knows? Expect a full review if I decide to finish the game (we don’t review games we don’t finish).

 

[GFreeman]

Zenien's a shot caller for the SDF, so I'm going to assume that these all represent her opinions and hold it against her in the next argument.

 

[hippie_hunter]

Review of Halo 3, A.K.A. Halo 2.5

Believe.

Ahh yes “believe”… the new $10 million dollar marketing slogan for Halo 2.5 stolen shamelessly from a video game message board. They want us to believe Halo 2.5 has a good single player story, they want us to believe that the multiplayer doesn’t pale in comparison to even the most generic of PC shooters, they want us to believe the graphics look like Halo 2 in HD because of ‘the scope’ and they want us to believe the much hyped ‘Forge’ is a sufficient replacement for a map editor.

Here is what you should believe:

What Halo 2 started with mediocrity, Halo 2.5 finishes. The story is a mess, full of plot holes and feels extremely cheesy. Even the game’s laggy 4 player co-op doesn’t help keep the single player campaign from being mediocre at best. All I can say is thank god the single player portion is very short as I’m not sure how much more sloppy writing I could endure.

Halo 2.5’s multiplayer is a letdown as well. It’s Halo 2 with a pseudo map editor. No dedicated servers, still pay to play online and only 16 players per match. Bungie should look at Resistance and Warhawk, both of which have dedicated servers, 40 players online, free to play online and are PS3 exclusive, to see how a multiplayer experience should be.

In conclusion, what was supposed to be the game of the year is looking to be yet another dud on the 360 in the same vein as Perfect Dark Zero, perhaps a bit worse. I would wait for a price drop or even avoid this title altogether. If you are looking to satisfy your FPS lust look no further than Haze and Unreal Tournament 3. With Haze’s superior 4 player co-op and UT3’s free online multiplayer and thousands of maps (thanks to Blu-ray and a real map editor) you can’t go wrong on PS3 for your online shooter fix.

SDF Score: 2.5/10

 

[GFreeman]

2.5 > 1, that seals the deal, Halo is better than Mario

 

[hippie_hunter]

Review of Bioshock

After many months of anticipation I finally got my copy of Bioshock and played through it over the past few days. There are many things to like about Bioshock such as the graphics (not animation), parts of the story and the water effects. That’s about where the good stuff ends.

First let me say how excited I was for the game after playing the demo on the 360. While the animation seemed stiff and you could tell the 360 was being pushed too hard it still looked like it had a lot of potential. So imagine my disappointment when I got the final version only to find none of the animation hitches, shooting glitches and AI was cleaned up. I also wonder how much better the graphics would’ve been had they not been compressed to fit on a DVD. Now I do not fault the developers for this, they only had so much system power to work with so maybe this will all be addressed with the PS3 version when it comes out.

To conclude, let this game cook in the oven just a little bit longer and wait for the superior PS3 version. Cleaned up textures, animations, AI, extra weapons, Home space, standard HDD and Blu-ray will make this flawed game into a perfect gem.

SDF Score: 5/10

And to make things even funnier, they gave Heavenly Sword, Warhawk, and Lair 10's and Ratchet and Clank Future a 10.5/10.

 

[OldSkool]

I've been on that site before, pure comedic humor. I believe that this is some joke site, because no one could be that deluded to give galaxy a 2.5.

 

[XtromaniaK]

It has to be a joke site, no one is that stupid.

 

[GFreeman]

Have you had yours eyes closed the entire time you've been here Extro?

 

[XtromaniaK]

I realize, but this goes beyond the bounds of anything said here. Not even Spiderdogg could give Mass Effect such a bad overview.. and that's saying something. This just bends the bar of logical reasoning far too much.

Hell, I don't think even Danalys would be so bold as to give Halo 3 or Bioshock less than a 5.

 

[Zenien]

My name is Alex, and I approve these reviews.

 

[XtromaniaK]

Zenine? That's new.

 

[Zenien]

So new that it doesn't exist, sucka!

 

[Havok83]

link?

 

[GFreeman]

http://www.sonydefenseforce.com/

 

[Havok83]

thanks. LMAO at this picture

 

[WhatsHisFace]

599usdollars.com is even better.

 

[hippie_hunter]

Where's that Xbot Nazi flag. That would look perfect next to this!

 

[Timstuff]

Someone should start the Xbox Assault Force to make Xbox fans look dumb too.

 

[GFreeman]

No one would do that, it would take effort. The only reason why the SDF site exists is because it doesn't really require any.

 

[Timstuff]

Or because Xbox fanboys are the only ones with nothing better to do than pretend to be another system's fanboys.

 

[hippie_hunter]

No one would do that, it would take effort. The only reason why the SDF site exists is because it doesn't really require any.

I kinda noticed how each of the fanboys act on several websites (like here and Gamespot and IGN and N4G). An Xbot site on par with Sony Defense Force would take effort.

Sony ****e come off as fanboyish idiots who cry a lot. Making a site like Sony Defense Force makes perfect sense for a Sony ****e to do.

Xbots aren't dumb. They're just a**holes. They also think that the other consoles have no fun games either. Though unlike the Sony Defense Force, you won't see them give games like Uncharted or Super Mario Galaxy a 1 or 2.5 simply for not being on the Xbox.

 

[블라스]

thanks. LMAO at this picture

:heart:

 

[hippie_hunter]

:heart:

I've seen better looking Asians. Though those mushroom caps are HAWT!

 

[GFreeman]

Only one company has things like RIIIIDGE RACER!!!, the weak spot, 599 US Dollars, 4-D, and the list goes on and on and on. And only one group has the balls to stand up and say "these things are not laughably ******ed". And that's why the SDF exists.