Five Oscar-Night Surprises We'd Like to See
With less than 17 days remaining in the bone-grinding death-march that is the awards season, we find ourselves limping to the end of a week where the most significant Oscar-related news is generated by a fancy lunch, a yearly event where nominees are treated to a free meal before being shown photographs of the bound-and-gagged loved ones who will be harmed in the event their acceptance speeches run long. Given that Slumdog Millionaires seemingly inevitable steamrolling of the Best Picture competition has drained the tension from the evenings biggest contest, its fallen to first-time Oscar producers Laurence Mark and Bill Condon to generate some excitement with a totally revamped telecast, the details of whichsuch as the small matter of who will actually be on stage to hand out all those tiny, petrified eunuchshave been guarded like the location of Dick Cheneys secret suspended-animation chamber. What mind-melting innovations will Mark and Condon let loose on an unsuspecting audience of millions on Hollywoods Biggest Night? Some hints have already been pried loose by reporters, but now we present our best guesses about what we might see during this reimagined ceremony.
Hey, We Screwed Up: A Tribute To The Dark Knight
In a ground-breaking attempt to lure viewers alienated by this award seasons most glaring Best Picture snub, the usually doggedly out-of-touch Academy will dedicate a ten-minute segment to celebrating critical darling The Dark Knights $500-plus-million box office run immediately following Heath Ledgers posthumous Best Supporting Actor win. The tribute package will include the unprecedented gathering of every living Batman (Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, and Christian Bale) on a single stage, wholl join in an imaginatively choreographed piece set to Princes Bat Dance. At the segments conclusion, the recently embattled Bale will be given a moment to publicly apologize to the Terminator: Salvation director of photography he berated in a now-infamous clip virally circulated via the internet, explaining, Once youre Batman, theres a certain darkness you can never quite escape, especially when somebody ****ing starts fiddling with the lights when youre trying to access a really painful emotion. Sorry, sorry. There I go again, a sentiment that prompts the nearby Kilmer to collapse in a sobbing, empathetic heap.
The Oscar Cannon
Acknowledging the impolitic truth that the television audience couldnt care less about the not-so-sexy (but still vitally important to the moviemaking craft! etc etc) categories that leadenly occupy the shows middle hours, Condon and Mark will instruct victorious editors/sound designers/short-form documentarians to remain at their seats following their wins, then deliver their statuettes to their places in the Kodak Theater balcony with a high-powered, pneumatic cannon wielded by specially trained spokesmodel-marksmen. Not only will this change save precious airtime, it will inject a sports-arena-like atmosphere into the proceedings, transforming normally reserved attendees into rabidly engaged fans eager to snatch a lofted Oscar from the outstretched hands of a costumer with poor reaction time. (Winners in these categories will still receive their customary standby tickets to the Governors Ball, where theyll be free to nosh on any Wolfgang Puckcatered leftovers cooling on the largely picked-clean buffet tables.)
A Trip To The Green Room
Coverage of the red carpet, the ceremony itself, and backstage press conferences only tell part of the Oscar story. In an attempt to recapture some of the uninhibited, clubby feel of a Hollywood golden age unfamiliar to many younger viewers, neophyte host Hugh Jackman will occasionally drop by the shows green room for some comic relief, where presenters, bored stars tired of sitting in the audience, and other open-bar-seeking VIPs throw back drinks and crack wise about the evenings highlights. The segment will generate a watercooler-worthy moment when Best Actor nominee Mickey Rourke threatens to staple-gun an overeager Jackman for repeatedly offering to recreate one of the The Wrestlers lapdancing scenes as Rourke tries to relax on a couch, insisting that Marisa Tomei will think its hilarious!
The Being Jack Nicholson Cam
A staple of the Oscar telecast for decades, reaction shots of a Ray-Ban-clad, shark-grinning Jack Nicholson have long been the best friend of producers looking to salvage a clunky acceptance speech joke with one of the living legends inimitable Hey, dont look at me! shrugs. This year, Nicholsons signature sunglasses will contain a tiny camera that allows the audience to experience what he sees from his front-row seat (the tips of his shoes, the glistening flop-sweat of a floundering presenter, the Armani-draped cleavage of a nearby starlet) in real-time.
Robert Downey Jr. Does Whatever The Hell He Wants
After three hours of speeches, montages and musical numbers, incorrigible Hollywood raconteur and Best Supporting Actor nominee Robert Downey Jr. will be given five minutes with which to do anything he wishes, in hopes that the thespians boundless energy will revive an exhausted audiences flagging interest in the show. Due to the inherent unpredictability of such a segment, the Oscar producers will impose an additional 15 seconds of censor-appeasing delay, just in case an improvised, one-man scene involving Downeys Iron Man and Tropic Thunder characters on a Tijuana bender takes an FCC-provoking turn.
off their faces from the Crash win over Brokeback Mountain, and that was just 4 years ago.
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Shame that he finally got a nomination for his "Oscar bait" movie. But I guess they're all about the bait, and giving the awards to people who should have won them earlier. 
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