The Phantom *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[AndThePickles]

I hate to say I told you so, but I'm not surprised at all. You didn't make a move, she was probably offended, and decided not to bother anymore.

 

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This is a continuation thread, the old thread is [split]347050[/split]

 

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This is a continuation thread, the old thread is [split]330851[/split]

 

[twylight]

The Phantom *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Wait, so how am I friendzoned? I'm like 90% sure I'm not.

Ok, God help me, i am going to try to give you some advice on this, but i think i know what I'm talking about here for once.

What can happen is that the woman will think you are not passionate enough about her, you are saying these things to her about wanting to take it slow and stuff, right, which is admirable, but, what she could be thinking is that you don't feel enough for her to be pushing past all those doubts and just taking a chance.
Because that is what passion does, it makes you throw all that doubt into the air, and take a chance, whether that is a chance of rejection, or the chance you might be getting in over your head with a relationship.

If half the people of Earth deliberated as much as you have been we would not have a population problem.
I am being serious here man, I have done similar things to you in this regard, played it far too safe, and blew a good thing with a girl cause i was thinking about it too much and being shy and insecure.
But i have also taken the chance and led the girl by the hand into a kiss.
If you think you have another chance with her you have got to do something, take the chance, because otherwise she won't think you have strong enough passion for her, and she will think you are more of a potential friend.

 

[AndThePickles]

In answer to the question about how AR is in the friend zone, I have highlighted some important points:

I think I spoke too soon. Like, 30 minutes after I got off here and was getting ready to go to sleep, she texted me back saying her week has been chaotic and stuff. She apologized for it and everything and asked if she could come over to talk about something that has been bugging her. I told her I was heading to bed, but she can still come over if she really wanted to. Like 20 minutes later she called me and told me to let her in. I told her my mom was back from the hospital but she really didn't care if she was over or not (I only told her that because I'm embarrassed of my mom). We came back into my room and we talked about what had been bugging her, I asked her if she was mad that I didn't try to pull some kind of move when she left last. She said she was a bit, but she was also kind of relieved I wasn't like that, she said she was mad because it was something she wasn't really used to (not being hit on or flirted with 24/7), and that's what she expected from me. I told her that that's not what I do. I want to take things slow, see if theres the same feeling as when we hang out. She asked if it was there, and I said it was there - for me at least.

She didn't stay the night though, she left around 5. This time I walked her to her car, hugged her goodbye and did some gentlemanly ****.

As I said in the previous thread before this event occurred, you should not have asked her if she was mad that you didn't make a move on her, because she was blatantly obvious about the fact that she wanted you to. I highly doubt she was "actually kind of relieved" whatsoever, because if she was not willing to fool around with you, she would've insisted on sleeping on the floor. She slept in your bed, and she wrapped herself around you. Rather than ask her that awkward question, now was your second chance to finally do something. Instead, all you two essentially did is talk about "what was bugging her." Which is fine, but that sets the stage for that to be all you two ever do...talk about her problems.

If both of you have stated that you do NOT want a relationship, why are you talking about taking it slow and "feelings"? What did she say when you said that the feeling was there for you? Because what she was likely thinking is, "I already told him I don't want a relationship...I just wanted to feel what was in his pants!"

Hugs goodbye are for friends. That would have been your very last opportunity for the night to show what you feel for her and kiss her.

 

[Erzengel]

I want to take things slow, see if theres the same feeling as when we hang out. She asked if it was there, and I said it was there - for me at least.

I don't know about some of you but I think kissing is a great way to see if there's the same type of feeling.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Ok, God help me, i am going to try to give you some advice on this, but i think i know what I'm talking about here for once.

What can happen is that the woman will think you are not passionate enough about her, you are saying these things to her about wanting to take it slow and stuff, right, which is admirable, but, what she could be thinking is that you don't feel enough for her to be pushing past all those doubts and just taking a chance.
Because that is what passion does, it makes you throw all that doubt into the air, and take a chance, whether that is a chance of rejection, or the chance you might be getting in over your head with a relationship.

If half the people of Earth deliberated as much as you have been we would not have a population problem.
I am being serious here man, I have done similar things to you in this regard, played it far too safe, and blew a good thing with a girl cause i was thinking about it too much and being shy and insecure.
But i have also taken the chance and led the girl by the hand into a kiss.
If you think you have another chance with her you have got to do something, take the chance, because otherwise she won't think you have strong enough passion for her, and she will think you are more of a potential friend.

This is totally correct, it's something most if not all guys have screwed up on at one point or another. My girlfriend and I have talked about our early dates in our relationship a bunch, one of the most critical moments was on our second date, we went from a comedy club to a bar and I just reached out to hold her hand, she's told me a number of times that's what really showed her I liked her. I could've told her, but that act said more than any words could have, it also gave me the confidence later that night to kiss her, which also said more than any words could have. That was taking a chance though, letting my heart lead instead of my brain. Words mean nothing, it's all about your actions.

Also, if you let a girl come over that late at night, she's looking for sex or at least a good make out session. Inviting her over and only talking will just confuse her more and then hugging her goodbye without kissing her, that's an action that says you either you're my friend or I don't like lady parts, I like boy parts.

This is what you need to do, if you haven't already lost your chance;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMLhrDYJ5QM

 

[Anubis]

In the immortal words of the great Bill Duke, "You know you done f**ked up don't you?"

 

[Aesop Rocks]

Eh, **** it.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I was really lucky with my first girlfriend, because my insecurity didn't push her away. But at the same time, she taught me a very good lesson.

There were times with her and I where I was very timid about making a move on her, because I was afraid of crossing boundaries or what have you. And there were times where I felt comfortable enough with her to just go for it.

Well there was one day where I just went for it, and I took it to a level we hadn't been at up to that point. Her words to me was "I think it's really cute when you hesitate and think about what to do, but I think it's hot when you just do it"

My situation with her was a horrible ass situation that was bad and wrong on so many levels, but that one moment is something that totally changed me.

Yea I get timid and stuff too, because when I'm meeting a new girl, I don't always know how she's going to react. But there comes a time where, if you want something to happen, you have to just do it.

 

[Erzengel]

Aesop, I know you think it's admirable to not put the moves on her and be gentleman, etc.

But like most people are saying here, I don't know how many opportunities you are going to get.

We don't live in Puritan times anymore. Women have needs. Women like sex. Just go for it.

 

[Aesop Rocks]

I just don't want to straight up **** her though?

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

If you're not trying to ****, and you're not trying to be in a relationship with her, then I'm not sure I understand your concern with the situation?

 

[Aesop Rocks]

Because sex is the must important aspect of a relationship, okay.

 

[Erzengel]

I just don't want to straight up **** her though?

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.

 

[Erzengel]

Also who says that you can't have a relationship after sex?

 

[Aesop Rocks]

Also who says that you can't have a relationship after sex?

I'm not afraid of having sex with her or anything, I just don't see why we should have to jump into something like that this fast.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I just don't want to straight up **** her though?

We're not saying to straight up **** her. However, you've got to show interest though, those small moves, initiating the physical contact is very important in the early stages. If you walking together hold her hand, it's small, but says a lot. So much of the early stages of a relationship are just small, but significant steps, however steps you need to take to make your intentions clear.

 

[Aesop Rocks]

Okay. lol I thought you guys were basically saying "SEX. NOW. DO IT. SHUT UP".

I'm cool with all the holding hands and small stuff.

 

[Erzengel]

Well there has to be a little of common ground, if she's looking to do something and you just want to talk about your feelings. Maybe meet halfway in the middle?

 

[Aesop Rocks]

If she wants to ****, we can ****. No doubt. I just really don't know how to notice the signs.

 

[Erzengel]

The signs are there. I'm sure there's a look, a touch, something said.

The fact that she spent the night. The fact that she shows up at your place in the middle of the night.

Does she have to wear a trench coat and be naked underneath?

And I'm not saying to rush into sex, but at least be intimate with her. I can't speak for women in general but I think a lot of women would start to think there's something wrong with them, if a guy continually refused to make a move.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Waking up with her wrapped around you is a sign.

 

[Anita18]

In answer to the question about how AR is in the friend zone, I have highlighted some important points:

As I said in the previous thread before this event occurred, you should not have asked her if she was mad that you didn't make a move on her, because she was blatantly obvious about the fact that she wanted you to. I highly doubt she was "actually kind of relieved" whatsoever, because if she was not willing to fool around with you, she would've insisted on sleeping on the floor. She slept in your bed, and she wrapped herself around you. Rather than ask her that awkward question, now was your second chance to finally do something. Instead, all you two essentially did is talk about "what was bugging her." Which is fine, but that sets the stage for that to be all you two ever do...talk about her problems.

If both of you have stated that you do NOT want a relationship, why are you talking about taking it slow and "feelings"? What did she say when you said that the feeling was there for you? Because what she was likely thinking is, "I already told him I don't want a relationship...I just wanted to feel what was in his pants!"

Hugs goodbye are for friends. That would have been your very last opportunity for the night to show what you feel for her and kiss her.

Wait what? I missed this part.

Yeah dude, some of my friends who like having sex with people even then aren't close enough to cuddle them. When someone's cuddling you, they REALLY LIKE YOU. At least cuddle back or give her a kiss or SOMETHING. Even if you want to take it slow.

I just don't want to straight up **** her though?

Well there's a lot of things you could do between not kissing her and ****ing her, you know. There's a lot of stuff to do on a human body, putting something in a relatively small hole is a tiny part of it.