The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

But yeah I do have a stutter, and recently it's been pretty severe. When I was a kid it wasn't so bad and it rarely bothered me, but the older I get the worse it gets. I don't have the kind of stutter where I repeat words, I just block all the time. I simply can't get the word out. It's like an invincible force is keeping my mouth shut, I usually have to replace words (which doesn't work most of the time).

It's just so frustrating. I'm a normal looking guy, I don't have tics or anything like that. I've been told I'm cute looking and I think I have a good personality, but my dating life is non-existent. Social life is tough too, but I have a few close friends, so I manage.

I did speech therapy when I was younger, don't remember it helping.

You think I should still try dating? I'm still 19 so it's not a huge focus (yet) but dating is something I've really started to think about. I just don't know how the hell I can carry a conversation when I can't even say the sentence I want.

When does it get worse?
 
When does it get worse?

The question should be, when did it get worse? I think when I was like... 17? At that point I didn't talk in public at all, and I avoided most conversations in school. Couldn't do presentations in class (had to do it one on one with the teacher). But it's definitely worse during stressful periods.

I care less about it now. I've learned to live with it, and I still study and work just like everyone else does. I just don't know if I can date.
 
I can see how that would be an obstacle with dating. If it were me i'd still try. Maybe try a work around like writing what you wanna say so you can communicate properly? Some girls might find that endearing. Worth a shot, no?
 
The question should be, when did it get worse? I think when I was like... 17? At that point I didn't talk in public at all, and I avoided most conversations in school. Couldn't do presentations in class (had to do it one on one with the teacher). But it's definitely worse during stressful periods.

I care less about it now. I've learned to live with it, and I still study and work just like everyone else does. I just don't know if I can date.
There are adult speech classes out there.
 
I can see how that would be an obstacle with dating. If it were me i'd still try. Maybe try a work around like writing what you wanna say so you can communicate properly? Some girls might find that endearing. Worth a shot, no?

I guess there's online dating. It's funny, I can be so much charming during text, but I can't talk face to face.
 
Yeah, I would recommend online dating. Maybe you could even find another stutterer. She would certainly understand.

Or there is a chance that you could meet someone at those speech classes Erzengel mentioned. I'd imagine those to have exercises where students practise with each other.

Edit: There's also a chance that some girls might find your stutter endearing. But I guess it's up to you if you're okay with affection that comes from sympathy.
 
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Does anyone ever say the phrase "that's a date" anymore when invited for something? I saw it said in an old episode of Columbo, and it is often used in US TV shows. But does anyone say that now or in real life? If they do, then surely that can lead to misunderstandings, especially if two people are unsure if the appointment is a date. If one person says "that's a date", then couldn't the other person say "no, no it's not!" or could think they've led the other person on.

Is it an outdated phrase? Maybe the word "date" always means something romantic these days instead of what it meant in the past?
 
I knew I would get a response like this :whatever:
Note that we have shamed him into silence. :hehe:

But yeah I do have a stutter, and recently it's been pretty severe. When I was a kid it wasn't so bad and it rarely bothered me, but the older I get the worse it gets. I don't have the kind of stutter where I repeat words, I just block all the time. I simply can't get the word out. It's like an invincible force is keeping my mouth shut, I usually have to replace words (which doesn't work most of the time).

It's just so frustrating. I'm a normal looking guy, I don't have tics or anything like that. I've been told I'm cute looking and I think I have a good personality, but my dating life is non-existent. Social life is tough too, but I have a few close friends, so I manage.

I did speech therapy when I was younger, don't remember it helping.

You think I should still try dating? I'm still 19 so it's not a huge focus (yet) but dating is something I've really started to think about. I just don't know how the hell I can carry a conversation when I can't even say the sentence I want.

With people who aren't family are close friends, I usually just say 6-10 words at a time so I don't stutter. Any more and I'll start blocking. Even then I can't say certain words.
I apologize for assuming you were referring to someone other than yourself, but hopefully my story empowers you. :yay: When my stutter is severe, it's mostly blocking as well.

Of course you should try dating. That's what I did. :cwink: Online dating was much easier for me for many reasons, my stutter being one of them. (Although it helps that I'm a woman, I've had people say my stutter is "cute" and I'm like, "Gee, thanks." :oldrazz: ) I'm already an extreme introvert and I'm extremely nerdy. I just don't meet many people who live at my speed. When I met my now-husband, we lived an hour from each other.

As I mentioned before, he's an introvert and REALLY doesn't like mindless chatter so not speaking a lot was totally cool for him. It was important for me as an introvert as well, because I'm very comfortable with silence and he is too. I've noticed that all the other guys I went on dates with were often uncomfortable with silence. But that's what most relationships end up being after you move in together. :cwink:

I also encourage you to try vocal/singing lessons. It's not specifically speech therapy, but I've had multiple stutterers tell me their speech was improved after they took singing lessons. In high school, I did a retreat where they taught opera singing techniques, using your ribs and diaphragm to breath deeply before speaking. Opening the back of my throat, like I'm yawning, to make my voice more resonant (also a singing technique) helps a lot too. It was the very first time I discovered that I could speak fluently, and it was a downright revelation for me. After that, I knew I was physically capable of doing it (if I practiced controlled breathing regularly), now it was a matter of placing my mind in a place where I can do it more and more often.

Are you a perfectionist? I am, and I've got a very strong sense of empathy so I start to panic when I sense that someone is getting bored or wants to leave a conversation with me. That's when my stutter gets really bad.

Toastmasters and networking events helped me a lot mentally. I've had awful speeches at Toastmasters where I stutter a ton, but I keep going and I survive every single one, and that empowers me. I've identified that my stutter gets worse if I haven't spoken in public in a long time, so it becomes A HUGE F***ING DEAL in my mind and then the anxiety takes over. You have to teach your brain that speaking isn't a big deal.

Toastmasters also helps to teach that public speaking isn't about speaking like a robot, but about bringing your own personality out. I've found that my stutter basically disappears if I'm focused on the message I want to communicate, using my own personality to bolster that message.

Networking events help me practice taking myself out of my own head. Instead of worrying about how I come off to others, I've taught myself to listen to other people. My stuttering gets better then too, because I'm not worrying about me.

Calling other people was the last obstacle for me - I still hate doing it. But I phone-banked for Hillary Clinton's campaign, which was terrifying, but I did it. And that's another notch on my belt.

The only way that a stutter gets better is if you put yourself out there. I promise it isn't as scary as it seems. :yay:


And even if it doesn't get better, that's ok too. When I did that retreat in high school for my stuttering, the most go-getter person there was a guy who was overweight, balding, wore glasses, and had one of the most severe stutters I've ever heard. But he was accompanied by his beautiful and extremely supportive fianceé, who was with him every single day. It hadn't mattered to her that he could barely get through a sentence without stuttering, it was clear that it was his personality that won her over. They've been married for a while and have two daughters, and he's been promoted to assistant director in his organization.

What you do is always more important than the superficial means of how you do it. You shouldn't let your stutter stop you from doing what you want to do. James Earl Jones (yup, Darth Vader himself) had a severe stutter growing up, so much so that he was basically mute until he was in high school. The world obviously would be less awesome without his voice in it. :awesome:
 
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I really appreciate the long response Anita. I think I'll start with online dating, see how things go from there.

And yes, I don't usually stutter or block when I sing. Apparently singing uses a different part of the brain, which is why most people don't stutter when they sing. Too bad I can't sing during conversations lol.
 
Too bad I can't sing during conversations lol.

Who said? Society? F*** society
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I really appreciate the long response Anita. I think I'll start with online dating, see how things go from there.

And yes, I don't usually stutter or block when I sing. Apparently singing uses a different part of the brain, which is why most people don't stutter when they sing. Too bad I can't sing during conversations lol.
Very few stutterers block when they sing. It's not just a different part of the brain, but it's the controlled breathing and the rhythm. You're more focused on the tone of your voice than the enunciation, which is all stuff that vocal/speech coaches try to get you to carry over from singing. I did a workshop on presentations where nobody else in the class had a stutter, and that's what the instructor actually got us to do. Make like we were yawning, and then talk through it, haha.

Proper singing is a good thing to do in general, to sound better when you talk, stutter or not. You can always tell when someone's a good singer, by how resonant and pleasant their speaking voice is. Plus, focusing on breathing and opening up the back of your throat takes focus away from what your lips and tongue are doing. :cwink:

It was actually suggested to me to try singing one of my speeches at Toastmasters, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. :funny:

When I'm on a roll and not stuttering, it really does feel like I'm in a particular rhythm and flow. Not being afraid of showing my personality definitely helps.
 
This was an interesting short film and explained a lot about how introverts can feel about approaching others:

[YT]Rwk5UA-Dd_c[/YT]
 
I really appreciate the long response Anita. I think I'll start with online dating, see how things go from there.

And yes, I don't usually stutter or block when I sing. Apparently singing uses a different part of the brain, which is why most people don't stutter when they sing. Too bad I can't sing during conversations lol.

have you thought about learning how to beatbox? The ladies will just assume you do live remixes when you talk after they know you're a world champion beatboxer.
 
This was an interesting short film and explained a lot about how introverts can feel about approaching others:

[YT]Rwk5UA-Dd_c[/YT]

lol that was to funny and I really do hate that I am a introvert my self and would love if more women would come up and just say high lol. I work at a grocery story and there was a cute girl doing the bell ringing thing the other day but I could tell she looked pretty young and found out she was 19 I am about 27 and a half. There is a girl I crushing on at the church group she is 21 I am 27 so about a 6 year difference about the most I would want and I want to ask her out but I don't know what do to. Ever time I think about trying to make a move with someone I just fell parilized in fear and this girl is not always at the group either.
 
Edit: Hit submit prematurely.

I pretty much broke up from my girlfriend. I met her online at the end of spring. She lives in a city about 200 km from mine. I went to visit her in June and the next day we got together. (She let me sleep at her place while she was at work, despite never meeting me before. I guess she deemed me trustworthy.)

During this time, I met her two more times. Once in July when she came to visit me and once in August when I visited her. After that we have just been messaging.

There's nothing wrong with either of us. But we're not sure about this long distance relationship where we rarely meet. It would have to go on for at least 2 more years and after that, maybe we wouldn't even find our togetherness worth while.

Part of me says that it's stupid to break up with someone like that. But on other hand I would like to actually be with someone.
 
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This was from 2 years ago.

So, I'm friends with an ex on Facebook. I've noticed that she only really posted pictures of her and her child, and it was rare that there were pics of her with her husband. So recently, I saw that her status has changed from married to in a relationship with some other dude. It confirmed the suspicions that I had.

Previously, every now and then I check up on my 1st and she kinda is doing the same thing. Unfortunately, I'm not friends with her. Of course this could be a wide range of reasons. Maybe he's in an occupation that he doesn't want to be posted all over facebook or he just doesn't want to be on it at all.

Just find it interesting and I guess, I'm just curious on if this is a thing and if it really makes it obvious what's going on in your life.

It has happened at least 2 more times. Family pictures start turning into pictures of just mother and child or just child. I later find out that they are divorced.

So it is officially a thing. :o
 
So I ask this girl out to watch a movie on the weekend.

She says she has to travel on the weekend, but hopes I find someone else to go see the movie with.

That's a subtle rejection right?
 
This was from 2 years ago.

It has happened at least 2 more times. Family pictures start turning into pictures of just mother and child or just child. I later find out that they are divorced.

So it is officially a thing. :o
Totally. I've noticed this too, and my cousin noticed something was up with my sister and her now-ex when she stopped posting about him, haha. Although it really does has to be a change in behavior.

One friend never posts pics of her husband, but she's still happily married. (Lots of her and their son, though!) She just never posted pictures of him, ever, so it's not weird that he's suddenly missing or anything, LOL.

Whereas I post way more pictures of my cat than myself. And my husband has requested no posting his pictures at all. :funny: I did manage to get some wedding photos in, but they're all from far away.
 
Hey, guys. I don't typically post around these parts of the forums but I think I just need to start getting this off my chest finally instead of keeping it shut in all the time. There's this girl that I really like, I've known her since we were both 7 but only in the last several years of college have we really gotten to know each other better. We're both introverts, but still she has more outgoing qualities than me. I've got a small group of really good friends that I really value, all of us have known each other for a long while, her included.

We used to have a slightly larger group of friends, I don't really get to see many of the ones who splintered off anymore because there have been conflicts regarding starting relationships in that group and it eventually going south.

Anyways, I just try to support this girl however I can, be there for her, be thoughtful and just as genuine as I can be because I really appreciate her being herself. I'm pretty sure at this point my buddies can all tell I've got one heck of a crush on her. I haven't talked about it at all, though. One of my friends is pretty blatant with nudging us on about it since we're always glued to each other whenever we're together, it's just nice.

I just worry about possibly driving another wrench in the works with our friend group. Her and I even talked about that once, how it just doesn't seem like a good idea because it's never ended well in our circle. Although recently my best friend did get back together with the girl he was dating in high school, we all missed her.

I just can't tell how she feels, we're always in contact just about every day, but she's super flaky when it comes to making plans to see each other. At a certain point you just get used to hearing "Actually no wait I can't!:waa:" after she tells you she'll be somewhere. It's happened so many times, and most of the time I understand. I'm easygoing and always just try to step back and put it into perspective: she works, she does a lot with her family, she has her community service sorority stuff, other friends, etc, it's okay! When we actually do hang out we always do get along great, and she says she wants to do it more so I dunno.

The other day was just about the most confusing piece for me yet, she said she was off the following night and wanted to see everybody so I said that'd be nice and that I'd let her know what was going on when I found out. So I did and never heard back from her, then about 12 hours later I told her when I was going to leave, asked if she needed a ride then or anything, to let me know, still heard nothing the rest of the day. In between she chats me some silly stuff on Snapchat. Ok, that's fun, sure!

So later at night when I'm heading out I call her just to see what's going on and she said she was in another part of town and said "Yeah we gotta hang out with the whole gang soon!" like none of the conversations we had the previous day happened, just checking over the boxes asking questions she already heard the answers to from me. It was a very fake tone which was hurtful to me.

So goodness, I've rambled on and on here. I'm just VERY confused with this girl. I don't know if this helped, but I feel like maybe at the very least I need to be honest with my other friends about my feelings. :thud:
 
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I've been through this. It's been a long time but I do remember it vividly. The friend/acquaintance/work buddy who always wants to do something but when you make plans, something comes up.

Obviously, I don't know you or your friend and I can't 100% say for certain that maybe she doesn't know or I don't know how you all in a social setting. Is she all over you, touching, etc.? But if you're around the age I think you are, I think she already knows because I wouldn't be surprised if one of your friends already said something.

However, I wanna say if she was really interested in you, she'd make time. If you're constantly hitting the ball into her court to do thing and she NEVER hits it back or even initiates it, should tell you her level of interest.
 

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