The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Dating in my view, should be full focus on one person at any one time. Otherwise, it's a pick n mix scenario which really doesn't show any respect to yourself or the people you are 'choosing' between.

I honestly don’t disagree, but a lot of other people do.

 

[Flash525]

If a girl tells you that she is meeting up with another guy, is that an automatic indication that she isn't interested and/or you've been friend zoned? I recently met this girl and we hit it off pretty well. I've gotten the feeling that she may be interested so I rounded up asking her to lunch, which she did say yes to. I think that went well and she did actually ask me about doing it again the other day, which we are planning on doing. So I was feeling pretty good about the situation, but she told me yesterday that she is hanging out with a guy this weekend with whom she has been talking to on a on again-and-off again basis for a couple of months. Needless to say, I'm a bit a confused as to where I stand with her.

I sympathise with your state of mind, I really do. Having recently exited from a very confusing situation myself, I can honestly say I'll never quite understand how the female brain works.

My concern here, for you, is why she felt the need to tell you she's seeing another guy. If I was dating someone, and they then told me they were dating around, I'd question their sincerity with me. If they want to date around then that's their call, but they've no reason to openly tell you. if you ask(ed) then that's a different matter, but if she just came out with it, that would indicate (to me at least) that she's not as interested in you as you are in her; it's a common theme, especially amongst us guys who, as you've put it, had bad luck you get hung up on what could be.

To elaborate slightly, I've had (probably less) luck than you, so when I got a Tinder match and went on a date, I thought it went really well, and I thought the second one went quite well too - I didn't rush into anything, which may (or may not) have been the right thing to do. I do however know that I got in too deep (emotionally) which may have resulted in us going our own way (her call, though thinking back on it, she probably figure I was too emotionally invested and she wasn't sure what she wanted).

Thanks for the advice. My initial thinking had been to take things slow with her in the hopes of maybe it becoming something serious down the line. Since it sounds like she only talks to this guy intermittently, I can't help but to think that she may not be that interested in him. But I have had too much bad luck and negative experiences with dating that I don't really care to deal with any kind of potential competition.

It's a complicated scenario; some girls would rather date and take their time, whereas others are quite happy to jump into action straight away (films, tv shows and social media typically imply it's always the former, when that really isn't the case at all). Finding out the right speed to go is a friggin' minefield.

Dating in my view, should be full focus on one person at any one time. Otherwise, it's a pick n mix scenario which really doesn't show any respect to yourself or the people you are 'choosing' between.

I'd agree with this, and (on the rare occasion I am dating) I'll not multi-date. I wouldn't want it done to me, so don't do it to other people, though am aware that the people I've dated may have gone on other dates whilst dating me. It's never played on my mind (until the latest one) but ultimately if I don't know about it, it shouldn't be an issue. As you've stated though, there's nothing you can do about it, though it sure is a ****ty feeling to have.

 

[Erzengel]

I just have a different mindset. It it has nothing to do with not respecting myself or the people I'm with. But say you're on a dating site, and you match up or 2-3 profiles get your interest. Even with an elaborate profile and multiple pictures, it'd be impossible to determine which one is a best fit unless you go out and date them. So just to hope for the best with the 1st one you pick and roll the dice that the other ones you were interested in are still around if the 1st date doesn't work out? As long as you are honest with the people you are dating.

 

[Flash525]

I just have a different mindset. It it has nothing to do with not respecting myself or the people I'm with. But say you're on a dating site, and you match up or 2-3 profiles get your interest. Even with an elaborate profile and multiple pictures, it'd be impossible to determine which one is a best fit unless you go out and date them. So just to hope for the best with the 1st one you pick and roll the dice that the other ones you were interested in are still around if the 1st date doesn't work out? As long as you are honest with the people you are dating.

I didn't quite think of it like that, but then I've never matched with more than one person at a time, and so I've never been in a position where I'd need to decide whether to go on more than one date at the same time.

I suppose my mind set was that you'd know (after the first date) whether there was any potential in a second, and it's at that point at which (maybe) you should decide which of the [x] people you feel you have more of a connection with, and focus on them?

Otherwise, how long do you multi-date for? Lets say you matched with five people, and went on five dates (one a day, Monday to Friday). You get along with all of them. Do you fill up your next week with a second round of dates? How long is it until you get to the process of elimination, and furthermore, in the event that you Tuesday date (who maybe has the most prospect) happens to see you out on your Thursday date, wouldn't you potentially ruin your chances with your Tuesday date?

Definitely not Black and White, I'm sure. You've just got me thinking about something (relating to my recent experience) too, which would explain a few things. Heh; an unintentional eye-opener.

 

[Erzengel]

I didn't quite think of it like that, but then I've never matched with more than one person at a time, and so I've never been in a position where I'd need to decide whether to go on more than one date at the same time.

I suppose my mind set was that you'd know (after the first date) whether there was any potential in a second, and it's at that point at which (maybe) you should decide which of the [x] people you feel you have more of a connection with, and focus on them?

It just sometimes, it's impossible to fit square peg that is expectations and assumptions of dating into a round whole that is reality. Say 1st date is coffee, I mean yeah you can get a great feeling but it's casual and it might just be an hour and both of you go on your way. Maybe there's a text, maybe there's a second date. What happens if you aren't sure? I've always been a proponent for giving a second date if you aren't sure. And yeah, if there are fireworks and the person you go on a date with, is just so incredible, that you want to just focus on them. I'm not against that, it's just that it doesn't always happen that way.

Otherwise, how long do you multi-date for? Lets say you matched with five people, and went on five dates (one a day, Monday to Friday). You get along with all of them. Do you fill up your next week with a second round of dates? How long is it until you get to the process of elimination, and furthermore, in the event that you Tuesday date (who maybe has the most prospect) happens to see you out on your Thursday date, wouldn't you potentially ruin your chances with your Tuesday date?

It's somewhat of a slippery slope. You keep going until you are sure of the one you want to be exclusive with. AndI'm all for honesty, but when you are in the weeding out process, do you tell the person you are with everything that's ever happened to you regardless of how it makes you look? But if you live in a small town, it's hard. I'd probably not try and repeat places personally. While I think there's nothing wrong with dating multiple people even if you are being honest, it's still a hard sell explaining yourself to someone who feels jilted.

Definitely not Black and White, I'm sure. You've just got me thinking about something (relating to my recent experience) too, which would explain a few things. Heh; an unintentional eye-opener.

Some things aren't black and white and again, there's always extenuating circumstances with everyone.

 

[Flash525]

It just sometimes, it's impossible to fit square peg that is expectations and assumptions of dating into a round whole that is reality. Say 1st date is coffee, I mean yeah you can get a great feeling but it's casual and it might just be an hour and both of you go on your way. Maybe there's a text, maybe there's a second date. What happens if you aren't sure? I've always been a proponent for giving a second date if you aren't sure. And yeah, if there are fireworks and the person you go on a date with, is just so incredible, that you want to just focus on them. I'm not against that, it's just that it doesn't always happen that way.

I can count (on both hands) the number of girls I've dated, and with the exception of three of them, I've known in my gut how they were all going to play out.

Of the three, the first dates went well enough (considerably so) that more followed, though coincidentally of those three, two of them were concluded by me because I didn't see anything long-term (and I didn't want short term) and the other one (latest) did an emotional number on me (as unintentional as it was).

In short though, if there's no spark on the first date, I don't see the purpose behind a second.

It's somewhat of a slippery slope. You keep going until you are sure of the one you want to be exclusive with. AndI'm all for honesty, but when you are in the weeding out process, do you tell the person you are with everything that's ever happened to you regardless of how it makes you look? But if you live in a small town, it's hard. I'd probably not try and repeat places personally. While I think there's nothing wrong with dating multiple people even if you are being honest, it's still a hard sell explaining yourself to someone who feels jilted.

I wasn't suggesting you'd go to the same places, merely that of a chance encounter.

Switch roles though, for the sake of discussion (cause I know how I'd feel) but if you went on a date with someone late one week (lets say a Thursday) and got on really well with them, you then booked in for a second date on say the following week Friday. Let us then suggest that you were out (on your own, or with friends/family) on the Monday and you saw this girl all giggly and flirty with another guy. How would you feel?

Would you be in a similar situation to Chris B? Would you start second guessing yourself, and this potential date? Would you be reluctant to meet her on the Friday, having seen her having as much fun with another guy as she may have had with you? More a rhetorical question I suppose, cause circumstances and feelings vary, but just putting it out there.

 

[Erzengel]

Switch roles though, for the sake of discussion (cause I know how I'd feel) but if you went on a date with someone late one week (lets say a Thursday) and got on really well with them, you then booked in for a second date on say the following week Friday. Let us then suggest that you were out (on your own, or with friends/family) on the Monday and you saw this girl all giggly and flirty with another guy. How would you feel?

Would you be in a similar situation to Chris B? Would you start second guessing yourself, and this potential date? Would you be reluctant to meet her on the Friday, having seen her having as much fun with another guy as she may have had with you? More a rhetorical question I suppose, cause circumstances and feelings vary, but just putting it out there.

Me, now would probably be a little dejected, however, I would understand that we weren't in a committed relationship. She could in theory of set up that date prior to even going out with me. I would probably just put a pin in that, and see how we continued on. After a while, I'd probably just bring it up, but not until I knew I was interested and was unsure where she was.

 

[Flash525]

Me, now would probably be a little dejected, however, I would understand that we weren't in a committed relationship. She could in theory of set up that date prior to even going out with me. I would probably just put a pin in that, and see how we continued on. After a while, I'd probably just bring it up, but not until I knew I was interested and was unsure where she was.

This would ultimately seem a setback though, wouldn't it? If you decided you liked this girl, and you were on a fourth or fifth date, she'd presumably be liking you enough to continue seeing you, to then go and quiz her on something that may make you seem insecure, and her uncomfortable, that's a setback right there.

I'll go with dejected though, that seems like it would fit within a natural response.

 

[Chris B]

I sympathise with your state of mind, I really do. Having recently exited from a very confusing situation myself, I can honestly say I'll never quite understand how the female brain works.

My concern here, for you, is why she felt the need to tell you she's seeing another guy. If I was dating someone, and they then told me they were dating around, I'd question their sincerity with me. If they want to date around then that's their call, but they've no reason to openly tell you. if you ask(ed) then that's a different matter, but if she just came out with it, that would indicate (to me at least) that she's not as interested in you as you are in her; it's a common theme, especially amongst us guys who, as you've put it, had bad luck you get hung up on what could be.

To elaborate slightly, I've had (probably less) luck than you, so when I got a Tinder match and went on a date, I thought it went really well, and I thought the second one went quite well too - I didn't rush into anything, which may (or may not) have been the right thing to do. I do however know that I got in too deep (emotionally) which may have resulted in us going our own way (her call, though thinking back on it, she probably figure I was too emotionally invested and she wasn't sure what she wanted).

It's a complicated scenario; some girls would rather date and take their time, whereas others are quite happy to jump into action straight away (films, tv shows and social media typically imply it's always the former, when that really isn't the case at all). Finding out the right speed to go is a friggin' minefield.

I'd agree with this, and (on the rare occasion I am dating) I'll not multi-date. I wouldn't want it done to me, so don't do it to other people, though am aware that the people I've dated may have gone on other dates whilst dating me. It's never played on my mind (until the latest one) but ultimately if I don't know about it, it shouldn't be an issue. As you've stated though, there's nothing you can do about it, though it sure is a ****ty feeling to have.

I beg to differ.

I've always had terrible luck with misreading girls, staying invested longer than I should have, and having to deal with the disappointment once I realized I was wrong. So I was pleasantly surprised that I seemed to get one for right for once.

I can appreciate the fact that she was honest about it and can't hold it against her since we aren't in an actual relationship or anything. Yet due to my past experiences, I can't help but to feel doubt about whether or not my feelings are reciprocated.

I don't want to assume anything, but I if nothing has happened yet with this other guy, then I can't help but to think that there may not be anything there with them. But with my luck, this will be the time that changes.

 

[Erzengel]

This would ultimately seem a setback though, wouldn't it? If you decided you liked this girl, and you were on a fourth or fifth date, she'd presumably be liking you enough to continue seeing you, to then go and quiz her on something that may make you seem insecure, and her uncomfortable, that's a setback right there.

I'll go with dejected though, that seems like it would fit within a natural response.

It's something I kind of noticed not just here but other places of putting the cart before the horse.

Meeting people, dating, relationships, marriage should be a natural progression.

People shouldn't be thinking marriage really at all until they are with someone who makes them think about it. The same thing with dating. I think I'm just going to enjoy my time with someone until we decide we want to be mutually exclusive. I don't want to to be setting up for "potential girlfriend" in my mind when I'm just going out for coffee with someone.

 

[Flash525]

I've always had terrible luck with misreading girls, staying invested longer than I should have, and having to deal with the disappointment once I realized I was wrong. So I was pleasantly surprised that I seemed to get one for right for once.

Are you sure you're not me? This situation sounds exactly like what I recently went through haha.

I can appreciate the fact that she was honest about it and can't hold it against her since we aren't in an actual relationship or anything. Yet due to my past experiences, I can't help but to feel doubt about whether or not my feelings are reciprocated.

I don't want to assume anything, but I if nothing has happened yet with this other guy, then I can't help but to think that there may not be anything there with them. But with my luck, this will be the time that changes.

All you can do then, I suppose, is ask her outright, you've just gotta' be careful with how you word it - timing is everything.

Alternatively, and it may be safer, but don't ask questions, just go on the dates, and if it's to be, it'll be, if it isn't, then it'll phase out and you'll feel crappy for a few weeks before picking yourself up and getting back on with life. The issue I have/had (and seemingly you're having too) is that you're becoming too invested too early, and you're overthinking every unknown element.

People shouldn't be thinking marriage really at all until they are with someone who makes them think about it. The same thing with dating. I think I'm just going to enjoy my time with someone until we decide we want to be mutually exclusive. I don't want to to be setting up for "potential girlfriend" in my mind when I'm just going out for coffee with someone.

But isn't that your end goal? Aren't you going out for coffee with a girl under the guise of dating with the hopeful turnout that she may become your girlfriend?

 

[Erzengel]

But isn't that your end goal? Aren't you going out for coffee with a girl under the guise of dating with the hopeful turnout that she may become your girlfriend?

But you don't know anything usually about her except some roundabout casual things. Why would you want her to be your gf when you haven't even gone through a date with her.

 

[Flash525]

But you don't know anything usually about her except some roundabout casual things. Why would you want her to be your gf when you haven't even gone through a date with her.

That's the endgame is what I'm saying. You're initially meeting these people with the hope that one of them will pay off and become your girlfriend, otherwise why are you meeting up with them in the first place?

I get what you're saying, you don't meet them thinking "this is hopefully my next girlfriend" because like you've said, you don't remotely know them, but you do surely meet them with that notion in the back of your mind somewhere.

Why meet someone through a date at all if there's no intention of it becoming a relationship?

 

[Erzengel]

Someone might be ready to have a girlfriend/boyfriend and you do go into dating hoping that you'd like to be in a relationship but the decision to actually be in a relationship can only be determined through the dating process.

That's why I understand if people want to date a few people and not be single focus about with one person when it's impossible to determine how compatible you 2 are.

 

[Chris B]

Are you sure you're not me? This situation sounds exactly like what I recently went through haha.

All you can do then, I suppose, is ask her outright, you've just gotta' be careful with how you word it - timing is everything.

Alternatively, and it may be safer, but don't ask questions, just go on the dates, and if it's to be, it'll be, if it isn't, then it'll phase out and you'll feel crappy for a few weeks before picking yourself up and getting back on with life. The issue I have/had (and seemingly you're having too) is that you're becoming too invested too early, and you're overthinking every unknown element.

But isn't that your end goal? Aren't you going out for coffee with a girl under the guise of dating with the hopeful turnout that she may become your girlfriend?

I'm definitely going to stick with the safer option for now. I should be seeing her tomorrow and hopefully will be able to a nail down a day for lunch again. Assuming that lunch goes well again, I'll try and see if she if she wants to do anything else.

 

[Mach2Infinity]

I think the problem with dating though is you're already going in with certain expectations right? Almost as though unless you hook-up, have a kiss, fondle etc then it's an abject failure. This is probably something men struggle with a lot more as they take the slightest sign like a smile or whatever as a sign of romantic/sexual interest from a woman. When in all likelihood she's just being nice and friendly (and in some situations as a way of appeasing someone who's overly keen and won't take 'no' for an answer). There's also this stupid idea of the 'friend zone' which is a term I don't like using. No one's entitled to give you sex, love or anything else because you're being nice to them. And if that's the only reason why you're being nice to them then you'll need a strong word with yourself.

Rant over . I think people should be free to date multiple people at once. When you're dating you're not being exclusive and I think if you've got too much set on one person it's bound to end in disappointment. Not to be mercenary but I think it's best to have a 'spinning plates' situation where you're seeing different people. You're not obligated to go just with one person. As long as you're not being deceitful and looking to lead people on so you can play the field then I don't see the issue. Rather than trying to meet potential partners through a contrived and forced situation with dating. It's better to join groups and social networks with people you share a common hobby or activity with. So maybe join an amateur dramatic society, running club, book club etc and focus on meeting people as friends. As that's often the strongest and best foundation for any meaningful relationship, especially a serious love relationship.

 

[Mach2Infinity]

Appreciate the words, and I do intend on remaining a part of her life - it's just figuring out which part, and whether there is potential development growth.

We're still talking, though message exchanges are a little shorter, fewer, and less flirty - to be expected, and she's stated she wants to meet up again in a couple of weeks (I'm off on holiday at the end of this week) so the interest is still there.

I definitely don't plan on dropping off her radar though; as I've stated already, I think there's enough chemistry there for something; if that turns out to only be a friendship, then it'll be a fun one, if it turns out to be more, then it's merely an extension of the route we were initially set along. I just need to figure that part out (as does she I guess).

My problem now lays with whether I continue on with the expectation that it'll eventually develop into more, or whether it's never going to be more than a friendship. In the event she's only thinking friends at this moment and I'm thinking it'll develop, then I don't want to come across as too pushy. Likewise, if I go in thinking it'll be just friends from hereon out, but she wants more later, I don't want to find myself in a situation where I then have to decide between trying a relationship and (potentially) ending a friendship. Complicated stuff.

In any case though, I'll stick by/her, and keep checking in. I did write a rather long message yesterday (wrote, not sent) asking, in short 'what specifically went wrong' and where she saw our future etc' but in hindsight, it's probably best not to send that! It's not going to do anything other than make me sound clingy and scare her off.​

My bold. I think you did the right thing in not sending that message to her for the reasons you gave. What I would advise is despite the disappointment don't do what too many men do and fixate on her and come across as perhaps a bit needy asking 'what went wrong' etc. You've got the right inclinations so just follow your gut mate. Try to give her space and just be casual when you converse. If you can be a good friend to her then good, yes to use the dreaded phrase you'd be in the 'friend zone' if it's too soon for her after her previous relationships despite any potential feelings then you have to accept it. Can't force it. Just deal with what's in front of you now and worry about any maybes later if you cross that bridge. Meanwhile, just keep dating and try and be open to different people. It'll help you take your mind off her. And I guess the positive is you're free to date other people who can give you what you seek.​

 

[Flash525]

I think the problem with dating though is you're already going in with certain expectations right? Almost as though unless you hook-up, have a kiss, fondle etc then it's an abject failure. This is probably something men struggle with a lot more as they take the slightest sign like a smile or whatever as a sign of romantic/sexual interest from a woman. When in all likelihood she's just being nice and friendly (and in some situations as a way of appeasing someone who's overly keen and won't take 'no' for an answer). There's also this stupid idea of the 'friend zone' which is a term I don't like using. No one's entitled to give you sex, love or anything else because you're being nice to them. And if that's the only reason why you're being nice to them then you'll need a strong word with yourself.

This certainly hasn't been my intention or expectation; of all the dates I've gone on, I've done so with the intention of just getting to know them, and to see if there's the chemistry for a second date; I have an unwritten rule (of sorts) not to let anything happen during a first date - not that I've been in a position to let it happen mind you. I've never gone into a date with the intention of letting anything physical happen, aside from (maybe) a kiss.

I think people should be free to date multiple people at once. When you're dating you're not being exclusive and I think if you've got too much set on one person it's bound to end in disappointment. Not to be mercenary but I think it's best to have a 'spinning plates' situation where you're seeing different people. You're not obligated to go just with one person. As long as you're not being deceitful and looking to lead people on so you can play the field then I don't see the issue. Rather than trying to meet potential partners through a contrived and forced situation with dating. It's better to join groups and social networks with people you share a common hobby or activity with. So maybe join an amateur dramatic society, running club, book club etc and focus on meeting people as friends. As that's often the strongest and best foundation for any meaningful relationship, especially a serious love relationship.

Heh, disappointment, tell me about it!

Clubs are a good idea though (except running, cause I've done some damage to my knee); I've signed up for a bunch of volunteering groups recently, so am hoping to meet a few people of my age group (initially socially) through them.

 

[Flash525]

My bold. I think you did the right thing in not sending that message to her for the reasons you gave. What I would advise is despite the disappointment don't do what too many men do and fixate on her and come across as perhaps a bit needy asking 'what went wrong' etc. You've got the right inclinations so just follow your gut mate. Try to give her space and just be casual when you converse. If you can be a good friend to her then good, yes to use the dreaded phrase you'd be in the 'friend zone' if it's too soon for her after her previous relationships despite any potential feelings then you have to accept it. Can't force it. Just deal with what's in front of you now and worry about any maybes later if you cross that bridge. Meanwhile, just keep dating and try and be open to different people. It'll help you take your mind off her. And I guess the positive is you're free to date other people who can give you what you seek.

Heh, hindsight is a *****; I sent it in the end, though actually got a rather lengthy and informative response back. Everything seemed to be going fine, although I think she knew I was still into her more than she was into me. Pretty sure I did fixate on her though, I admit that. I haven't had many matches in general, so when I matched with her, I couldn't believe my luck and guess I got ahead of myself. I don't (realistically) consider myself much more than average, but she was lovely, definitely on the higher end of the rating spectrum; I couldn't believe my luck at first.

Pretty sure I've mentioned this before too, but before me (apparently) she didn't think that men and women could truly be friends; I figure due to her previous experiences with trying that. As unfortunate as it is, there's a good chance I blew any friendship option; she'd made it clear she had reservations, but was up for trying - I should have just took a large step back, which I didn't.

I put a lot of focus into her, guess I didn't want to lose out. I'm still not quite sure what went wrong in the first place, though I can think of a few scenarios - then more some the more I actually think about it. Her last message to me was (to summarise) "I think it's best if we just leave it, thanks for everything". It's awkward to try and write down here everything that transpired, but ultimately I think it narrows down to the following:

• I was more invested in her than she was in me.
• She'd had a bad breakup, whereas I was a clean slate (so to speak).
• She is/was unsure of friendship between a man/woman.
• I (don't think) I gave her the space she needed and was maybe too ... obviously attached, which in turn made her feel uncomfortable.

It's a shame it didn't work out (any of it) because she genuinely was a lovely person, not just as a girl to date (and maybe get involved with romantically) but an actual person - as in values, interests, empathy, world view etc; easily the sort of person I'd cherish spending time with, be that as a friend, or more. That however is no longer to be.

I did message her last week saying that if she was ever interested in a coffee catchup in a month or so, I'd welcome it, but never got a response. There's little point me sending a follow-up message anymore cause she's obviously made her decision.

Sorry for the unnecessarily long reply.

 

[Flash525]

I'm definitely going to stick with the safer option for now. I should be seeing her tomorrow and hopefully will be able to a nail down a day for lunch again. Assuming that lunch goes well again, I'll try and see if she if she wants to do anything else.

Actually forgot to reply to you earlier (sorry about that); seeing as we've similarities though, I would urge you not to look at what isn't there. Go with your gut - if you gut is telling you something isn't right, listen to it. Don't listen to your heart cause it'll get you into a sorry state for a while if it doesn't work out.

I know (or at the very least suspect) that you're a little caught up with this girl as she's the first one (in a while?) to show any interest in you; that's where I went wrong, and assumed that the one girl that was seemingly interested was as invested as I was, and it simply didn't work out because I was more invested in her - new environment and all that.

So go out, date this girl you're interested in, just don't go overboard; stay interested, but don't get too creepy about it. This'll be your second date? Suggest at some point that you'd like to go for a third with her (if things are looking good). People say (and advised me here) to read their body language and it'll be obvious to read the signals. Don't put too much in that cause signals are seemingly difficult to judge and you may think you're seeing something that isn't there (like me).

Ultimately, go with your gut feeling. If the conversation flows, and laughs are had, you're at least on for another date. Don't concern yourself with her dating around (as hard a notion as that is). If she is dating around, then that's tough luck, but ultimately if you're the stand out guy, she'll ultimately choose you like Ash chose Pikachu. There's no point asking her about it further - it'll get you nowhere. If you're not quite what she's looking for then simply take the memories and the experience of the date with you on your next venture. Don't get hooked on her, and don't bother (or pester) her with friendship messages; dates are dates for a reason, and very rarely do failed dates turn into friendship - don't hold out on that unless she requests it, and even then remain open to the fact it may phase out.

This is all advice from a very recent experience of mine, and whilst dating and results are subjective, assuming we're similar in the implicated ways, I feel as though my situation and experience can benefit you.

Best of luck!

 

[GunBlade]

I just did a dumb thing (sought closure via text from someone I broke contact with). I broke the no contact rule.

 

[Chris B]

Actually forgot to reply to you earlier (sorry about that); seeing as we've similarities though, I would urge you not to look at what isn't there. Go with your gut - if you gut is telling you something isn't right, listen to it. Don't listen to your heart cause it'll get you into a sorry state for a while if it doesn't work out.

I know (or at the very least suspect) that you're a little caught up with this girl as she's the first one (in a while?) to show any interest in you; that's where I went wrong, and assumed that the one girl that was seemingly interested was as invested as I was, and it simply didn't work out because I was more invested in her - new environment and all that.

So go out, date this girl you're interested in, just don't go overboard; stay interested, but don't get too creepy about it. This'll be your second date? Suggest at some point that you'd like to go for a third with her (if things are looking good). People say (and advised me here) to read their body language and it'll be obvious to read the signals. Don't put too much in that cause signals are seemingly difficult to judge and you may think you're seeing something that isn't there (like me).

Ultimately, go with your gut feeling. If the conversation flows, and laughs are had, you're at least on for another date. Don't concern yourself with her dating around (as hard a notion as that is). If she is dating around, then that's tough luck, but ultimately if you're the stand out guy, she'll ultimately choose you like Ash chose Pikachu. There's no point asking her about it further - it'll get you nowhere. If you're not quite what she's looking for then simply take the memories and the experience of the date with you on your next venture. Don't get hooked on her, and don't bother (or pester) her with friendship messages; dates are dates for a reason, and very rarely do failed dates turn into friendship - don't hold out on that unless she requests it, and even then remain open to the fact it may phase out.

This is all advice from a very recent experience of mine, and whilst dating and results are subjective, assuming we're similar in the implicated ways, I feel as though my situation and experience can benefit you.

Best of luck!

Thanks for the advice.

I talked to her today and it sounds like we will be going to lunch again later this week. So we'll see what happens.

 

[Enriquespy]

I just did a dumb thing (sought closure via text from someone I broke contact with). I broke the no contact rule.

Closure is addictive, you always need one more.

 

[Lily Adler]

So I'm in a similar predicament. I actually contacted my ex from a few months ago just to shoot the breeze cause I was thinking about him. We talked off and on for a while during the last couple of days. Well I stupidly wanted to see him in person as friends, but he said no. He wanted to be friends, but not see each other in person. I just said okay, but I then asked why (I don't know why I just asked even though I knew it was because we dated). He told me he hated my sense of humor and thought my sarcasm bothered him. I apologized for talking to him and asking to hang out and wished him the best of luck out there.

What really hurt about it was that I thought we ended things amicably, only to now know he just found parts of my personality unpleasent to be with. I felt like he lied to me when we broke up and didn't want to be honest about how he felt. I didn't know it bothered him until now. It also tells me how lousy our relationship was if we couldn't even be honest to each other and talk things out.

 

[Flash525]

I just did a dumb thing (sought closure via text from someone I broke contact with). I broke the no contact rule.

We've all been there dude, don't fret. I'd imagine it's always in the back of the mind "did she really mean to wrap up the way she did" or "if I give her a little space, will she change her mind" etc. I guess it's only natural, especially if you're into someone that much.

I talked to her today and it sounds like we will be going to lunch again later this week. So we'll see what happens.

Glad to hear. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Closure is addictive, you always need one more.

Quoted for truth, though sometimes I think that one more is what's needed. With my situation, it was (or would be) six weeks this coming Friday since I last saw her, and three weeks since I received the final text from her, simply saying it's best to leave it. I replied to that then stating my disappointment, but respecting her position and wishing her well. Naturally I didn't get a reply. It was this previous weekend that I sent a follow-up text, the optimistic message, suggesting a coffee, and that one didn't get responded too either, but it's that message that's the one which truly hit home. I have no doubts now (as sucky as it is) that she simply wants to move on in life without my involvement.

So I'm in a similar predicament. I actually contacted my ex from a few months ago just to shoot the breeze cause I was thinking about him. We talked off and on for a while during the last couple of days. Well I stupidly wanted to see him in person as friends, but he said no. He wanted to be friends, but not see each other in person. I just said okay, but I then asked why (I don't know why I just asked even though I knew it was because we dated). He told me he hated my sense of humor and thought my sarcasm bothered him. I apologized for talking to him and asking to hang out and wished him the best of luck out there.

Like Pen Pals? Seems a bit odd, especially from a male perspective; usually guys are quick to jump into the zone again. Needless to say, I couldn't imagine being with someone who didn't appreciate (at the least) a little sarcasm. What was wrong with him?

What really hurt about it was that I thought we ended things amicably, only to now know he just found parts of my personality unpleasent to be with. I felt like he lied to me when we broke up and didn't want to be honest about how he felt. I didn't know it bothered him until now. It also tells me how lousy our relationship was if we couldn't even be honest to each other and talk things out.

I wouldn't feel too bad about it. Whilst it's great to be honest, would it had softened the breakup if he was truthful with you? Is it not better to receive the "I don't think we're working out because of reasons X, Y or Z" or instead, for you to be told "we're not going to work out cause your sense of humour sucks"? I don't know the guy, but it's possible he was simply trying to let you down nicely. Honestly isn't always the best policy, despite what's often claimed about it. I'd have thought(?) you'd be more upset if he'd been truthful with you at the time, than you were simply because it wasn't working out?​