The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[MissMarvelous]

Let it go, Elsa! @Flash525

You won't change his way of thinking. You've experience enough to know that you can give people certain "tools" but it's up to them to use them.

Don't lose yourself in the process.

 

[spiderman2]

But already you're getting frustrated that you're not getting the desired attention, yet you think you'll be okay about it when a female friend is otherwise busy?

You're basing your opinion on your experience I fear. You're the one being creepy. You're obsessing over people, and they're not stupid, they're going to clearly see that.

By the way, it's feel, not fell.

I say this from experience, and I'm sure I'm not alone when I say it, but if a girl says to you let's just be friends, or words to that effect, that's quite likely a knock back.

It's letting you down gently. It doesn't mean they actually want to be friends with you.

If you want to be friends with someone, approach them with that notion. Don't go in with relationship vibes and then settle for a friendship. That's just not going to work!


What exactly are you hoping to achieve here anyway?

Yes I would be fine with it because at least we are friends. I am not saying I got to like hang out with them ever day or any thing like that or talk to them all the time but having someone I could hang out from time to time and can reach out and talk to them about anything when maybe I am going threw something would be nice. I mean you have some friends be it woman or men that you hang out with all the time and talk to all the time like really close friends. You have other friends that maybe you talk to some and hang out some but maybe go like a month or longer between those times. Than you have more like acquaintances. If I like someone I want to at least be more than just acquaintances.


I dont know how to have a approach with not giving of relationship vibes though and you say settle for friendship well again I want the friendship not being able to be friends just hurts my feelings and self esteem like 100 times more.

 

[Erzengel]

No its not the notion of friendship or relationship its more that I get to talk to them and get to see we have some things in common and would like to get to know them on a more personal level even if its only at a friendship level.

I am sure I would be some what jealous if a female friend didn't want to date me and where to start dating someone else but I still would rather have that than not being friends. I guess I am in the minority that if I like someone I would still rather have friendship than not.

I am just saying that people dont always say what they mean and people do play games and I do hate it. Like there is talk about woman playing hard to get and chasing them. like why? If a woman is playing hard to get I am just going to think she is not interested in me.

Because most people don't want to feel like a bad person. Letting down someone with a lie as oppose to being truthful is not necessarily them being awful. It's them hoping the other person doesn't feel bad about themselves. However, you have people who take it the wrong way, "nice guys" or "well at least we can be friends."

My whole point is like why would you want to settle? I know with you, you'd rather have a female friend than nothing but you aren't looking at it from the female side. Now she has to contend with someone she knows has feelings for her. So she always has to be careful on what she does, thinks or says because the person might interpret what she's saying incorrectly or worse try and sabotage her relationships.

Yes there is compatibility but I think woman view guys who like them has being creepy just because they want to be friends and even more so if they have a hard time hiding it. Emotion equals creep to woman I have found out. It sucks its only a sign that I care a lot yet woman take it has creepy its that whole idea of how for some reason showing you dont care is more attractive. Or the idea that being friends is only going to leading them on giving them false hope but I never understood that idea. Not being able to be friends you might has well be saying straight to my face that I am a worthless loser who is not good enough for female friendship.

Creep equals creep.

Just because YOU have feelings doesn't mean anything to someone who you haven't established any connection with. Even if you feel like you tried.

Yes I would be fine with it because at least we are friends. I am not saying I got to like hang out with them ever day or any thing like that or talk to them all the time but having someone I could hang out from time to time and can reach out and talk to them about anything when maybe I am going threw something would be nice. I mean you have some friends be it woman or men that you hang out with all the time and talk to all the time like really close friends. You have other friends that maybe you talk to some and hang out some but maybe go like a month or longer between those times. Than you have more like acquaintances. If I like someone I want to at least be more than just acquaintances.


I dont know how to have a approach with not giving of relationship vibes though and you say settle for friendship well again I want the friendship not being able to be friends just hurts my feelings and self esteem like 100 times more.

I can speak from experience that I was "friends" with a lot of women that I liked. We even hung out but I harbored feelings and if they initiated intimacy I would have jumped on it, even if I knew that it would doom the friendship. Now how highly did I think of that friendship if I would allow that to happen?

So it's very easy for someone who hasn't been in that situation, hasn't learned from that situation to be say, "I'd be okay with settling for friendship." because we are talking hypotheticals and you want very much just to be friends with the girl that you only see the tree and not the forest. It's a whole other thing when you're in that situation and maybe it's something you need to experience for yourself for you to realize it.

 

[Flash525]

Let it go, Elsa! @Flash525

I see what you did there!

You won't change his way of thinking. You've experience enough to know that you can give people certain "tools" but it's up to them to use them.

I fear you are right, and on that note, @spiderman2 , I'm done here with you. Sorry. I've said all I can and need too, we're now in the repetitive stage. You're your own worst enemy here and despite our trying, we cannot help you, especially if you won't help yourself.

Best of luck!

 

[Erzengel]

I am just saying that people dont always say what they mean and people do play games and I do hate it. Like there is talk about woman playing hard to get and chasing them. like why? If a woman is playing hard to get I am just going to think she is not interested in me.

A follow up to spiderman2's comment, why can't women just be more say what they mean and I came across the following:

The set up is the guy questioned why a girl was not willing to meet up with him and usually finding excuses.

She’s already given you an answer. Her answer was “no”. All of those barriers she set up between you and the idea of dating? The “we should meet in person first,” the “I’m just so busy I don’t have any time,” and the just plain ignoring the question? All of those are what's known as "soft no's" , ways of turning somebody down gently without directly saying “No, I don’t want to date you”. Even in 2019, women are taught that being direct with men is rude – and potentially dangerous – and they’re supposed to consider his feelings before their own. As a result, instead of directly turning someone down, women will give a socially plausible reason why they can’t see someone or go on a date with them. It’s a way of declining the invitation without it being anybody’s fault; oh such bad luck that we couldn’t make this happen, it’s not you, it’s not me, it’s the universe, nothing to be done about it.

I like the "soft no's" verbiage. It's really indicative even if some think it's unfair and that women or people in general just are more forward and maybe even more hurtful by being honest.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Now what?

 

[Flash525]

Now what?

Now nothing. There is nothing to what about. We don't want to encourage someone to return and start moaning again about how life has done them a misdeed, do we?

 

[InCali]

A follow up to spiderman2's comment, why can't women just be more say what they mean and I came across the following:

The set up is the guy questioned why a girl was not willing to meet up with him and usually finding excuses.


I like the "soft no's" verbiage. It's really indicative even if some think it's unfair and that women or people in general just are more forward and maybe even more hurtful by being honest.

Now what?

This gets me thinking about how men and women relate to each other and how power relationships are important. Outside of being outright in danger, there are few things that make us more uncomfortable than an unwanted pursuit.

From there, it's REALLY important to understand there is, generally, a power relationship between men and women. I've had a lot of unwanted advances, but unless Glenn Close has a big ole knife and is going all Fatal Attraction on me, it's just uncomfortable. The reverse isn't necessarily true. With the exceptions when it was just flat out obvious that there was mutual attraction, I've always been very careful about approaching women because unwanted advances can be more than just uncomfortable for the other person; they can feel downright dangerous.

I used to hang out at a gay bar with a close friend of mine and besides the general, harmless drive bys there was one time where I was genuinely concerned; so I have some sense of what that fear feels like and it isn't good.

So, men need to be a little more careful. It's okay to occasionally flirt and complement, but, if you care for people, just tread carefully. It's okay to let people know you like them. There's nothing wrong with that, but be really careful to consider how your words might be taken. I talk to women all the time (well used to pre-COVID), have gone out to lunch with them, invited them to my home, etc. They also know I'm married and have no further designs other than friendship.

 

[MissMarvelous]

We don't want to encourage someone to return

We don't?

 

[MissMarvelous]

I've had a lot of unwanted advances,

I can laugh about it but any unwanted attention or advances are not just awkward but also degrading. If it's something considered light and laughable, then it is something easy to recover from. Otherwise, it's a pain in the ask and you will try to avoid that person or place no matter what.

I have some sense of what that fear feels like and it isn't good.

It's horrible! And it is not irrational.

I talk to women all the time (well used to pre-COVID), have gone out to lunch with them, invited them to my home, etc.

Caliiiii... does your wife know that? so Karen-like.

 

[InCali]

I can laugh about it but any unwanted attention or advances are not just awkward but also degrading. If it's something considered light and laughable, then it is something easy to recover from. Otherwise, it's a pain in the ask and you will try to avoid that person or place no matter what.



It's horrible! And it is not irrational.



Caliiiii... does your wife know that? so Karen-like.

Bom chicka wah wah????

Yeah. For me, it was generally just awkward. I felt uncomfortable because I didn't want to insult the other person when it was a woman. When I was hanging in a gay bar with my friend, it was sort of expected. The bartender or the people I knew would just tell someone "forget it dude" and I didn't feel like the other person would be insulted because I was straight. I was generally more worried about their feelings than mine as long as it didn't continue.

When I'm really threatened, I get really aggressive. I think this particular person got about as scared as I was, but I didn't feel scared until later. Weird. I think he figured it wasn't worth it one way or the other.

As far as my wife goes, yeah, no secrets.

 

[Flash525]

...so, does anything wonder whether others play games on purpose, or maybe they don't know they're doing it?

I suppose I use the term games loosely, but surely people know what they want from a dating app and/or match.

Why needlessly appear interested one minute and then ghost the next?

 

[Mandon Knight]

...so, does anything wonder whether others play games on purpose, or maybe they don't know they're doing it?

I suppose I use the term games loosely, but surely people know what they want from a dating app and/or match.

I made it strictly true, without any f**king about, I wasn't 'up for games' on my profile when using dating site. I suspect there are many that will take it 'breezy' and just play people along without a moment's thought.

 

[Flash525]

I made it strictly true, without any f**king about, I wasn't 'up for games' on my profile when using dating site.

That should surely go without saying though, shouldn't it? Who the bad place joins a dating app or site and wants to play mind games.

I suspect there are many that will take it 'breezy' and just play people along without a moment's thought.

An unfortunate truth, but I don't see what purpose that serves short of maybe enhancing their self importance or insecurities, which is kind of sad.

 

[Erzengel]

I feel you really have to just have a tough skin with those sites and have a no nonsense approach with speaking with someone. I know how I am and if I'm interested I'm going to reply as soon as I can. Do things come up? Surely. But unless and hopefully one knows this before like someone being a front line worker and just worked 2 days in a row, etc.

 

[Flash525]

I feel you really have to just have a tough skin with those sites and have a no nonsense approach with speaking with someone.

I'm only using one at the moment, probably the worst of them all - Tinder. It's like a drug I swear.

Do things come up? Surely. But unless and hopefully one knows this before like someone being a front line worker and just worked 2 days in a row, etc.

It is possible that I'm jumping the gun, but in my experience (as limited as it may be) there's that vibe, or gut feeling that usually resonates with a truth. In this case, whatever interest there was has fallen away overnight.

Keep swiping I guess, and hope for a better turnout next time..

 

[ComicChick]

i am notorious for being a bad texter. at work we can't really have our phones, and the security blocks so much that the signal is pretty poor most of the time anyways.

 

[Flash525]

i am notorious for being a bad texter. at work we can't really have our phones, and the security blocks so much that the signal is pretty poor most of the time anyways.

I could use something like this for when I'm with friends and they're supposed to be being social.

The closest they often get to social is social media.

 

[Green Goblin]

Dating during this pandemic has been quite difficult. I'm 23, using Tinder at the moment and have gone on a few dates this year with people I've met on it but unfortunately it's never went past the second date with any one person.

Where I live my regional Government has imposed a strict 6 week lockdown, no bars or cafes can open. I'm not sure if I should be engaging in conversations with matches at this point, surely conversation would just die out and you'll never meet up once the 6 weeks end?

 

[Flash525]

Where I live my regional Government has imposed a strict 6 week lockdown, no bars or cafes can open. I'm not sure if I should be engaging in conversations with matches at this point, surely conversation would just die out and you'll never meet up once the 6 weeks end?

Surely you're allowed out for walks at the very least? Both for physical and mental health benefits.

On that basis, you could presumably go for a walking date? Shouldn't be anything wrong with that providing you're not getting down and dirty on a park bench!

 

[Erzengel]

I forgot from my trip to Ireland that they don't have coffee to go in some countries? Like you have to partake of their drink at the establishment.

 

[Green Goblin]

Surely you're allowed out for walks at the very least? Both for physical and mental health benefits.

On that basis, you could presumably go for a walking date? Shouldn't be anything wrong with that providing you're not getting down and dirty on a park bench!

Yea we can travel for exercise and can meet up in small groups outdoors. Only issue with going for a walking date is the weather where I live can be quite bad, it rains alot. An hour and a little would do most walks which is the perfect amount of time for a first date I think. Only issue I can really think of is that if it goes well what can you do for the second? Another walk would be boring.

I forgot from my trip to Ireland that they don't have coffee to go in some countries? Like you have to partake of their drink at the establishment.

Coffee establishments are quite widespread here, though I suppose even for a small island there will be variations. I live in Northern Ireland and there's been a number of coffee-to-go choices in Belfast that have opened in the past 5 years. The Republic might be different, it's bigger than us and outside of Dublin it can be quite rural. I haven't seen any coffee takeaways in rural areas though you can get coffee in some convenience stores.

Most guys in my generation prefer going to a pub or bar on a first date. I just prefer coffee shops because it's more casual which is important on a first date as your really just trying to get a feeling for the person more than anything else.

 

[Erzengel]

Yea we can travel for exercise and can meet up in small groups outdoors. Only issue with going for a walking date is the weather where I live can be quite bad, it rains alot. An hour and a little would do most walks which is the perfect amount of time for a first date I think. Only issue I can really think of is that if it goes well what can you do for the second? Another walk would be boring.

I'm not familiar with the weather in Northern Ireland but I don't imagine it being very warm. However, not sure if there are different areas for you to walk in? By me, you can walk along the Ocean, there are plenty of parks with walking trails as well.

Coffee establishments are quite widespread here, though I suppose even for a small island there will be variations. I live in Northern Ireland and there's been a number of coffee-to-go choices in Belfast that have opened in the past 5 years. The Republic might be different, it's bigger than us and outside of Dublin it can be quite rural. I haven't seen any coffee takeaways in rural areas though you can get coffee in some convenience stores.

Most guys in my generation prefer going to a pub or bar on a first date. I just prefer coffee shops because it's more casual which is important on a first date as your really just trying to get a feeling for the person more than anything else.

I honestly don't know how one would date in this pandemic if most of the places aren't open, you include the weather. Maybe just gives you more opportunity to text/talk on the phone?

 

[Green Goblin]

I'm not familiar with the weather in Northern Ireland but I don't imagine it being very warm. However, not sure if there are different areas for you to walk in? By me, you can walk along the Ocean, there are plenty of parks with walking trails as well.


I honestly don't know how one would date in this pandemic if most of the places aren't open, you include the weather. Maybe just gives you more opportunity to text/talk on the phone?

Yea it's not warm very often. I have some great public parks near me so I think the idea you and Flash had of using them is a good idea.

I had a Skype date with a girl during the first lockdown. Other than my phone running out of charge halfway through it went fine so I could make more use of that. I've seen a few people use the new Animal Crossing for dates, if a girl I'm talking to has it it's something I could suggest too. It may be an unusual date but then again these are unusual times.

 

[Donner]

Anyone here gone through a divorce?