The Relationship Thread: Single Posters on Patrol - Part 18

[Dispatch Ninja]

But you gotta admit, it's quite a tall order to ask of someone only in their early 20s. (My MIL was well into her 30s when she remarried - a kid from a previous relationship/marriage at that age isn't unusual at all.)

Not to mention there's two young kids who are not his.

I started dating my wife when I was 23, she was 33 with an 11 year old son. Now we have twins of our own. It is a tall order for someone in their early 20s, but tbh it's been really smooth and easy so far 4 years into it.

 

[ComicChick]

man i can never keep up with this thread, i just read about 20 pages to catch up

 

[Wolfwood]

I've known plenty of people in their 20's that got into a relationship with someone who had a kid or kids from another partner.

I was one of those people. The funny thing is that when I broke up with her I missed the kids more than I did her.

 

[SpideyVille]

Huh, that's interesting.

It seems to me that you feel as if you're not cool enough to hang out with them, and feel as if they will abandon if you no longer impress them. You weren't thinking about having to impress them before and so you weren't worried, but the object of your impressing efforts has shifted, so now you are worried.

Like all things, you're going to have to start with yourself, even though that's kind of what's getting you into trouble in the first place. This focus on yourself and how you're acting, I mean. In my experience, people are immensely likeable if they are themselves and genuinely interested in other people.

Why do you feel as if you always have to impress people or act a certain way to "make" them like you? Why can't you be comfortable exactly as you are? It's as if being yourself isn't enough.

If you're constantly worried about what people think of you, that actually makes them more uncomfortable around you. Stress levels are contagious, I've found.

I guess what it comes down to is that deep down inside, I don't feel like I am good enough. One one hand, like with this girl, I can say that if she didn't like me as a person, then its her loss, but then there's still that other part that questions what was wrong with me. And one of these girls keeps telling me to stop being so negative about certain things, and that just makes me even more stressed because I start to worry about how I come across again. Yes it makes me more aware of my actions, thoughts and words, but as always, in trying to control myself, I overthink and all I really do is hold myself back.

Ave I've noticed that this really becomes an issue when I'm cool with someone or a small group of people, and someone else gets involved. Like me and this one girl bonded over art and photography, and we've made plans to work on some projects together since we're both trying to build up an art resume so we can get out of the job. But now this new guy that works there is also a photographer, and there's that worry that there are always people who prefer something new over something they've already known, and I feel like I'm going to be pushed to the side. Its like, I feel like I'm good on my own, but when others are involved, I feel like I pale in comparison and people will not like me as much. That's why I always feel awkward in big groups, because my personality is not one that stands out on its own. I'm more of a close and personal kind of person, and that's how I tend to win people over.

 

[Anita18]

I guess what it comes down to is that deep down inside, I don't feel like I am good enough. One one hand, like with this girl, I can say that if she didn't like me as a person, then its her loss, but then there's still that other part that questions what was wrong with me. And one of these girls keeps telling me to stop being so negative about certain things, and that just makes me even more stressed because I start to worry about how I come across again. Yes it makes me more aware of my actions, thoughts and words, but as always, in trying to control myself, I overthink and all I really do is hold myself back.

Well yeah, telling someone NOT to think a certain way only makes them think that certain way more.

It's not about actions, not really, although you're focusing on your actions and that's why it's making you stressed. Actions are such tiny details and keeping track of them all is impossible. I've stopped trying long ago!

You have to focus on intent, and the right actions/mannerisms will follow. If you're always asking them out to lunch because you genuinely like hanging out with them, your mannerisms will come off that way. If you're asking them out to lunch because "pleasebemyfriendpleasepleaseplease," then your mannerisms will come off that way too.

Intentions are much bigger ideas, and you'd be more efficient working on those bigger ideas than nitpicking everything you say or do.

Ave I've noticed that this really becomes an issue when I'm cool with someone or a small group of people, and someone else gets involved. Like me and this one girl bonded over art and photography, and we've made plans to work on some projects together since we're both trying to build up an art resume so we can get out of the job. But now this new guy that works there is also a photographer, and there's that worry that there are always people who prefer something new over something they've already known, and I feel like I'm going to be pushed to the side. Its like, I feel like I'm good on my own, but when others are involved, I feel like I pale in comparison and people will not like me as much. That's why I always feel awkward in big groups, because my personality is not one that stands out on its own. I'm more of a close and personal kind of person, and that's how I tend to win people over.

I know what you mean. I'm an extreme introvert and I shut down in big groups. A group of 3 is actually perfect for me - enough variety so I can jump into a conversation and check out at will, but not big enough that I get lost.

But believe me, one big personality per group is quite enough! Nobody needs you to be big and entertaining and to "win them over." You don't owe anyone that. That just reeks of desperation if you aren't naturally a big personality, and then if you leave the group yourself because you're self-conscious, you're missing out on some awesome stuff. Just present yourself as you are, and let them decide.

The world is big enough for everybody, and that's especially true for artists. Just because another guy in the group is a photographer, doesn't mean you don't have anything to contribute. Despite the stereotype of the lonely starving artist, bouncing ideas off other artists is how most great art happened back in the day, and still how it happens now. Sure there will be some people who prefer something new (or someone new, it sounds like what you're afraid of), but there are always surprises with people. Everyone can contribute.

Who knows, if this guy is a good photographer, he can be a mentor to you or give you connections to jobs. That's how I got a pretty sweet freelance gig. Networking is the name of the game nowadays. The client didn't even ask to see my portfolio. If I'd closed myself off from other artists thinking I wasn't good enough, I would have missed out on that.

You have to believe there's room for you too.

Once you believe that, all these opportunities will start to open up for you, that you didn't realize you were closing yourself off to in the first place.

 

[SpideyVille]

Well yeah, telling someone NOT to think a certain way only makes them think that certain way more.

It's not about actions, not really, although you're focusing on your actions and that's why it's making you stressed. Actions are such tiny details and keeping track of them all is impossible. I've stopped trying long ago!

You have to focus on intent, and the right actions/mannerisms will follow. If you're always asking them out to lunch because you genuinely like hanging out with them, your mannerisms will come off that way. If you're asking them out to lunch because "pleasebemyfriendpleasepleaseplease," then your mannerisms will come off that way too.

Intentions are much bigger ideas, and you'd be more efficient working on those bigger ideas than nitpicking everything you say or do.

I feel like I'm a little bit of both. Like I do enjoy hanging out with them because we go out to places and just try to have fun for an hour outside of the office. But then there's a part of me that wants to do that everyday, but I feel like if I don't ask them what their plans are, then they might go out and not even bother to ask me, which would probably show what they really think and feel about me, but its not a chance that I've been willing to take. I just don't like feeling like I'm being left behind. Like on Friday, they both left early and I was stuck without a ride. I knew one of the girls was leaving a little early, but the other one didn't bother to wait for me either, and while I know this isn't the case, it almost felt like they were trying to get away from me.

I know what you mean. I'm an extreme introvert and I shut down in big groups. A group of 3 is actually perfect for me - enough variety so I can jump into a conversation and check out at will, but not big enough that I get lost.

But believe me, one big personality per group is quite enough! Nobody needs you to be big and entertaining and to "win them over." You don't owe anyone that. That just reeks of desperation if you aren't naturally a big personality, and then if you leave the group yourself because you're self-conscious, you're missing out on some awesome stuff. Just present yourself as you are, and let them decide.

The world is big enough for everybody, and that's especially true for artists. Just because another guy in the group is a photographer, doesn't mean you don't have anything to contribute. Despite the stereotype of the lonely starving artist, bouncing ideas off other artists is how most great art happened back in the day, and still how it happens now. Sure there will be some people who prefer something new (or someone new, it sounds like what you're afraid of), but there are always surprises with people. Everyone can contribute.

Who knows, if this guy is a good photographer, he can be a mentor to you or give you connections to jobs. That's how I got a pretty sweet freelance gig. Networking is the name of the game nowadays. The client didn't even ask to see my portfolio. If I'd closed myself off from other artists thinking I wasn't good enough, I would have missed out on that.

You have to believe there's room for you too.

Once you believe that, all these opportunities will start to open up for you, that you didn't realize you were closing yourself off to in the first place.

Yeah, I feel like everything does happen for a reason. Like with this recent girl situation, it did help in one thing since I made friends with new people, including one who is really trying to push me to get my dream job because she knows I don't belong in my current position. But there's still that part of me that shares an experience or an interest with someone and I get sort of protective about it, like its "our" thing. I've always said that my friendships have been few and far between, and very rarely do I talk or hang out with people outside of a school/work thing. So in a way, I always feel like its only a matter of time before things change and people move on, and since I don't have too many friends, I try to cherish the things that I have done with people. But when it comes to making plans and promises, I tend to get discouraged because more often than not, people have been more talk than action and we never do any of the things that we say we're going to do. I know everyone is supposed to different, but that always seems to end up happening and I just wish things could be different.

 

[Erzengel]

I feel like I'm a little bit of both. Like I do enjoy hanging out with them because we go out to places and just try to have fun for an hour outside of the office. But then there's a part of me that wants to do that everyday, but I feel like if I don't ask them what their plans are, then they might go out and not even bother to ask me, which would probably show what they really think and feel about me, but its not a chance that I've been willing to take. I just don't like feeling like I'm being left behind. Like on Friday, they both left early and I was stuck without a ride. I knew one of the girls was leaving a little early, but the other one didn't bother to wait for me either, and while I know this isn't the case, it almost felt like they were trying to get away from me.

You have to stop worrying about what everyone and their mother thinks about you. So what if they go to lunch without you? Bring your lunch.

I use to work with 2 women (I've said multiple times I get along with women better.) and we use to always go out for lunch. Actually some thought I was messing around with one of them. After they left, I was stuck in an office with mostly guys. I stopped eating out with people.

You can only worry about what YOU do. Stop worrying about what other people are doing or thinking.

Yeah, I feel like everything does happen for a reason. Like with this recent girl situation, it did help in one thing since I made friends with new people, including one who is really trying to push me to get my dream job because she knows I don't belong in my current position. But there's still that part of me that shares an experience or an interest with someone and I get sort of protective about it, like its "our" thing. I've always said that my friendships have been few and far between, and very rarely do I talk or hang out with people outside of a school/work thing. So in a way, I always feel like its only a matter of time before things change and people move on, and since I don't have too many friends, I try to cherish the things that I have done with people. But when it comes to making plans and promises, I tend to get discouraged because more often than not, people have been more talk than action and we never do any of the things that we say we're going to do. I know everyone is supposed to different, but that always seems to end up happening and I just wish things could be different.

You just have to learn to relax and just be you. You try and micromanage every little aspect of your social environment because you're afraid the plates will fall if you don't stop spinning them.

I don't want to say this because I don't want to stress you out, but if you keep on like this, you are going to overanalyze every little aspect if you do manage to go on a date with someone. What did she mean when she said that? She said hi, 2 times today. Why didn't she say hi, 3 times? You just really seem to have these high expectations for people's behaviors.

 

[Anubis]

He's the one that was an actor right?

Well, that explains everything really.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

He's the one that was an actor right?

Well, that explains everything really.

Ouch.

 

[Anubis]

Hey, it's the truth. Actors, by and large, are attention ****es.

Dude, you're an attention ****e. Maybe not as bad as most, but come on, do you REALLY need everybody to like you? Really? Do you see how you sound?

Maybe you should ask yourself something.....do you like you? What makes it so that you need this validation so much? As I understand it, you got some daddy issues as well.

I think you should see somebody man. You got some issues to work through, and nows the time, cuz it will only get worse.

 

[Anita18]

I think it's natural to want everybody to like you. But you don't get there by consciously trying to impress or entertain them. (That is the actor's way though! ) You get there by being genuinely kind and giving.

Same result, different approaches.

I think I'm universally liked. I don't go out of my way to be jerks to people. I like living my life without stressing out about how I have to avoid this-and-this person because they don't like me or I don't like them. It makes things easier.

And even if people are jerks to me, I'd rather be nice to them because A) someone has to be the adult here and B) why make my day more unpleasant than it has to be? Just interact with them in the shortest, most cordial way possible, then move on with your life.

But I don't think SpideyVille wants people to like him for those reasons.

 

[Anubis]

I think it's natural to want everybody to like you. But you don't get there by consciously trying to impress or entertain them. (That is the actor's way though! ) You get there by being genuinely kind and giving.

Same result, different approaches.

Everybody WANTS to be liked by everybody. But do you really NEED to? Some people liking you? Sure. We're social creatures. Nobody liking you tends to lead to shot guns in peoples mouths. Most people liking you would be nice. But Everybody? That's just pushing it. That's Narcissism, and if that's all one wants, then *********e while starring at a mirror. Works for Kanye West.

I think I'm universally liked. I don't go out of my way to be jerks to people. I like living my life without stressing out about how I have to avoid this-and-this person because they don't like me or I don't like them. It makes things easier.

And even if people are jerks to me, I'd rather be nice to them because A) someone has to be the adult here and B) why make my day more unpleasant than it has to be? Just interact with them in the shortest, most cordial way possible, then move on with your life.

But I don't think SpideyVille wants people to like him for those reasons.

That's the thing, isn't it?

 

[Erzengel]

I rather be feared and revered than to be liked.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

He's the one that was an actor right?

Well, that explains everything really.

Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

 

[Anita18]

I rather be feared and revered than to be liked.

Something tells me Erzette disagrees with that.

Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

You did come off as more of a behind-the-scenes manager than just someone who acts and leaves.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I've done it all, from acting on stage to running the show behind the scenes. I have a resume filled with acting (stage and television), directing, writing, and stage managing.

 

[Anita18]

I've done it all, from acting on stage to running the show behind the scenes. I have a resume filled with acting (stage and television), directing, writing, and stage managing.

 

[Anubis]

And yet, here you are, one of the chief contributors of drama in this entire thread......Lawyered.

 

[SpideyVille]

You have to stop worrying about what everyone and their mother thinks about you. So what if they go to lunch without you? Bring your lunch.

I use to work with 2 women (I've said multiple times I get along with women better.) and we use to always go out for lunch. Actually some thought I was messing around with one of them. After they left, I was stuck in an office with mostly guys. I stopped eating out with people.

You can only worry about what YOU do. Stop worrying about what other people are doing or thinking.


You just have to learn to relax and just be you. You try and micromanage every little aspect of your social environment because you're afraid the plates will fall if you don't stop spinning them.

I don't want to say this because I don't want to stress you out, but if you keep on like this, you are going to overanalyze every little aspect if you do manage to go on a date with someone. What did she mean when she said that? She said hi, 2 times today. Why didn't she say hi, 3 times? You just really seem to have these high expectations for people's behaviors.

I know, what I need is to learn how to be independent and self sufficient to the point where I don't need anybody else to make me feel good. I thought I reached that point a couple of years ago when I changed my outlook towards life, but after the past year of feeling like a failure, that loneliness that has always plagued me somehow crept back in and it has reminded me of how I spent my high school and college days, where I was so desperate to just feel like I was accepted by someone that that made my whole world feel better.

And to be honest, I think that's why I liked hanging around with my BIL's ex so much, since I know that there's no potential for a relationship, but the bond that we shared for a while felt like one. Like we would go out to lunch and just talk, and she gave me a ride everyday to the train, and people saw this and suspected stuff. So in some weird way, it felt like I was in a relationship, only without any of the physical stuff, and that was alright with me considering that I know I'm not ready for any of that to begin with, so this was like practice in learning how to be there and care about another person without trying to get something physical in return.

Hey, it's the truth. Actors, by and large, are attention ****es.

Dude, you're an attention ****e. Maybe not as bad as most, but come on, do you REALLY need everybody to like you? Really? Do you see how you sound?

Maybe you should ask yourself something.....do you like you? What makes it so that you need this validation so much? As I understand it, you got some daddy issues as well.

I think you should see somebody man. You got some issues to work through, and nows the time, cuz it will only get worse.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head. I'm shy, quiet and introverted, but in my truest of natures, I am an attention ****e. Granted I only did acting for like 6 months and its not something that I want to make a career out of, but that was definitely an aspect of it that I enjoyed. I want attention, but positive attention, but sometimes when I'm desperate for attention, I'm willing to go into negative territory and possibly make things awkward for others just so they can pay some attention to me.

Like today, I kinda messed things up with my friend since I saw her go out with the new guy in her office and she later told me that she didn't want me working a tattoo that she was planning on getting. So that really made me feel left out and in my stupid nature, I asked if I were being replaced because she really didn't say anything to me at all today and I just felt very neglected. So I did what I always do and I started to push her away, and now things are awkward between us.

 

[Anita18]

And to be honest, I think that's why I liked hanging around with my BIL's ex so much, since I know that there's no potential for a relationship, but the bond that we shared for a while felt like one. Like we would go out to lunch and just talk, and she gave me a ride everyday to the train, and people saw this and suspected stuff. So in some weird way, it felt like I was in a relationship, only without any of the physical stuff, and that was alright with me considering that I know I'm not ready for any of that to begin with, so this was like practice in learning how to be there and care about another person without trying to get something physical in return.

I dunno, that sounds like plain old friendship to me, not even close to relationship stuff. There's vulnerability in a romantic relationship that I imagine would make you crumble at this point in your life.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head. I'm shy, quiet and introverted, but in my truest of natures, I am an attention ****e. Granted I only did acting for like 6 months and its not something that I want to make a career out of, but that was definitely an aspect of it that I enjoyed. I want attention, but positive attention, but sometimes when I'm desperate for attention, I'm willing to go into negative territory and possibly make things awkward for others just so they can pay some attention to me.

Like today, I kinda messed things up with my friend since I saw her go out with the new guy in her office and she later told me that she didn't want me working a tattoo that she was planning on getting. So that really made me feel left out and in my stupid nature, I asked if I were being replaced because she really didn't say anything to me at all today and I just felt very neglected. So I did what I always do and I started to push her away, and now things are awkward between us.

Man, you know exactly how to make someone feel extremely uncomfortable, don't you?

I think you know this already, but if you accuse people, it just makes them go out of their way to avoid you. People want to be around other people that make them feel good. They don't want to be around people that make them feel terrible. Accusing someone makes them feel terrible.

And would you really want to be friends with someone who was only friends with you because they pitied you? I'm friends with a few people in that way (bleeding heart that I am), and I don't go out of my way to say hi to them. If they need advice, I give it freely and I help as I can, but I really do not go out of my way for them.

I dunno, there's something pathological about blurting something so harmful (and as you said, stupid) when you must know better. You have a lot of work to do there, my friend.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

And yet, here you are, one of the chief contributors of drama in this entire thread......Lawyered.

I couldn't find the video I wanted, so I'll just post this instead.

Damnit

[YT]lvjpm1mJXlE[/YT]

 

[SpideyVille]

I dunno, that sounds like plain old friendship to me, not even close to relationship stuff. There's vulnerability in a romantic relationship that I imagine would make you crumble at this point in your life.

Which is exactly why, in the deepest part of me, I know that I'm just not ready for a relationship, especially if I want it to last more than a few days or weeks. I've learned that I amke things seem to be more than they really are, not just with girls, but people in general. Like my friend who broke up with his girlfriend last summer. I got really upset with him by the end of the summer because I thought we were good enough friends that he would listen to me if I gave him some advice, but then he went and did the complete opposite of what I had spent the entire summer helping him fix and I just felt like I wasted so much time with him. So I can't really say that this is a girl thing because I've done it with guy friends too.

But this is why I've always felt like I can never truly get into a relationship because I don't feel like I'm capable of getting a close relationship with someone. What my definition of close is doesn't seem to be the same for others and I only end up getting disappointed later on when I realize this, mostly because I sort of become dependent on the other person to provide me with feelings that make me feel better about myself and life.

Man, you know exactly how to make someone feel extremely uncomfortable, don't you?

I think you know this already, but if you accuse people, it just makes them go out of their way to avoid you. People want to be around other people that make them feel good. They don't want to be around people that make them feel terrible. Accusing someone makes them feel terrible.

And would you really want to be friends with someone who was only friends with you because they pitied you? I'm friends with a few people in that way (bleeding heart that I am), and I don't go out of my way to say hi to them. If they need advice, I give it freely and I help as I can, but I really do not go out of my way for them.

I dunno, there's something pathological about blurting something so harmful (and as you said, stupid) when you must know better. You have a lot of work to do there, my friend.

I know, and I even had a talk with my sister in law right before I sent the text because I knew that had I said what I originally wanted to say, I would have completely burned the bridge and would be saying F-U to her with my comment. I was just feeling really hurt and emotional and sensitive in that moment and I let some of my true feelings out. I mean, I warned her a week ago that I was a little nervous about the new guy because I knew that it meant that things were going to change, but to see it happen so soon was really hard for me, especially since I got attached to one thing and didn't feel like I could handle the sudden change.

And I've also realized that people don't seem to pick up on my idea of sense of humor. I don't know if I mentioned it here, but at our company picnic a couple of weeks ago, I tried to move around and mingle with people there, and I ended up putting my foot in my foot with a few people and I couldn't tell if they were seriously offended afterward or not, but that killed my whole spirit for the day because I was just trying to get to know people and I ended up making a fool out of myself with just one joke that was taken the wrong way.

 

[Green Goblin]

Is there any posters on here that met in real life and had a relationship?

 

[Erzengel]

In this thread, not that I aware of.

On this messageboard, yes. You do have to remember that it is mostly guys on this site. I wouldn't recommend this site to any guy and I would warn any girl.

 

[webhead9707]

Yesterday my best friend and (as you may recall) the girl I've had intense feelings for for over 3 years told me she loved her boyfriend. So that was just swell. I handled it better than I would have last year, so I'm getting stronger and growing up some I think. Plus I know that as soon as I make it to college, there's a good chance I could meet a girl that blows her out of the water, and then THAT girl can "Just not have feelings for me" and I'll start all over again until I just buy some cats.