MST3K 4ever
BRING IT BACK!
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Ohhhh
.my aching skull. Well it serves me right trying to be a good Samaritan. As John Mellencamp once said, No good deed goes unpunished. Oh by the way my name is Wes Barnaky and Im a long distance trucker. I own my own company which makes me an independent and my fleet is a whole whopping one truck. I find its a lot easier on book-keeping if I keep the number of employees and vehicles down to a minimum, but on the bright side I get to keep all the profits for myself. Now truckin isnt exactly wall to wall profits but I make a pretty good penny most of the time. Thats because I am always on time anytime anyplace no matter what the cargo is if they need it there by 4pm I am there no later than 3:10pm. I really dont know why but there are times I go for days without sleep. The longest I ever went was 4 days straight, and I wasnt even remotely tired when I finally did go to sleep. In all my years of drivin I have never made a big mistake
.that was until this evening when I broke my own cardinal rule; never pick up anyone under any circumstances. If I only paid attention to that rule I wouldnt be in this 12 by 12 stainless steel room.
I was haulin a load of flat screens to a Wal-Mart warehouse in Charlotte, North Carolina. I was on I-81 gettin ready to pick up I-77 just past Roanoke, Virginia. Man the rain was comin down in buckets. I remember our preacher said that the Lord was never gonna flood the Earth ever again, well the rain we all were dealin with on the road this evening made me wonder if my preacher was stretchin the truth a bit. Anyway I saw this young fella hitchin on the side of the road. Now as I already told you I have but one rule, but the rain was so fierce and he looked like drowned rat so I figured what the heck?
I pulled over and popped up my passenger door and he sprinted up to me in a tan jacket and jeans.
Where you headin to, I asked
He replied, Columbia, South Carolina.
Well Columbia is about 2 and half hours south of Charlotte so I didnt see any harm in lendin this guy a hand.
I told him, Im headin as far as Charlotte Ill take you that far youll have about another 2 and a half hours to go.
He said, As long as itll get me out of this mess.
He hopped in and we rolled on into the night.
We rode along for about 15 minutes and figured it was time to learn a little bit about my new tag-a-long. Besides if you have never done the 81 to 77 run at times the drive can seem endless, so it was nice to have some conversation.
I asked, So whats your story?
He replied, My name is Edward. Edward Lynch Im an engineer from Arlington. I was on my way to Columbia for my parents 5oth wedding anniversary when my car broke down. My cell-phone was dying so I luckily I got one more call out before it died. I got a tow truck to get my car to service station and I figured I might as well try to hoof it to Columbia. Maybe one of my siblings could give me a lift back where my car is parked at. Thanks a lot for the ride though I appreciate it boy so nasty weather were havin here.
I said, Yeah well Ive seen worse. I hope you dont mind my sayin you look familiar to me. I cant quite place your face but I know I have seen you somewhere before.
Edward replied, No offense but I cant say that I remember you off hand.
I said, None taken, ah maybe Im just mistakin you for someone else. After a drivin this rig for a while a lot of the faces start to look the same.
Edward nodded and then put his hands in his pockets. Strange I got the heater on full blast and this guy is still cold? That dont make a lot of sense to me.
Are you still cold there Ed?
He replied, its Edward and no I have something of great value to me and I just want to make sure that I dont lose it.
He pulled out a silver disc looked like a DVD and said, Its a disc of family photos hoping to show the folks how much the kids have grown and that kind of thing.
I ask, You gotta family? I thought for something like this they would be with you?
He started to get a little nervous but said, Well my wife tryin to get off work and get the kids out of private school it would be a big hassle so I figured Id go solo.
That right there shouldve been my cue, he was gettin nervous and if he had one phone call left he wasnt too far from home why didnt he call home? Columbia is way further.
To keep the mood light I said, Hey if you want to make sure that disc is okay I got a DVD player you can pop it in there and check it.
Edward suddenly became even more on edge and said, No, I mean I am sure its okay. Itll be fine he can we pull over for a minute I need to use the bathroom.
I pulled over and we headed over to the restroom at a local diner. I offered to buy us some coffee but Edward said hed pay for it. When he pulled out his wallet I noticed a couple of things. One Edward had a flip-id badge in his jacket and worse he had a small caliber gun in his jacket pocket.
If I did or said anything I could end up dead so I figured keep cool I was about 4 hours away from Charlotte. Just drop this guy off and get gone.
We got back in the truck and I kept my mouth shut no need in eggin on a potentially bad situation.
Then suddenly he snapped, You saw it didnt you? I know you did!
I said, Say what?
Edward pulled out his gun and said, You saw the disc didnt you know dont you? DONT YOU?!?
I knew he couldnt shoot me because we were on a twisty mountain road in the rain, and I seriously doubt Edward knows how to drive this rig. So if I die he goes with me.
I said, I saw your gun and your id that is all I saw I dont know about the disc.
Edward said, All-right we get to Charlotte I let you go were clear. Do anything stupid I know people that would love to make your death look accidental.
I shot back, Look Edward I got no family and if you kill me now. This rig will be off the edge of the mountain and whatever you need to do in Columbia wont get done because youll be dead. So with that in mind you either tell me what is going on by the time I get to three or Ill take us off the hill.
Edward sneered, No way.
I said, Have it your way.
I begin to turn the wheel and Edward screams, ALL-RIGHT! Its technology. Next-gen stuff I am meeting with a courier from Japan I am giving this disc to him for a cool 20 million.
I looked at my clock and said, Well I am ahead of schedule and with this rain I can say that I got delayed. Tell you what for five million I will take you all the way to Columbia and that will more than make up for anything I am docked for being late. Once I get my money I am gone and I never saw you.
We got a deal?
Edward replied, All-right then Wes. He put the gun away.
If I play my cards right I know enough places between here and Columbia that I might be able to get the disc from him and get 20 million reasons to retire.
What Edward said though shouldve been the largest red-flag of all I never told him my name and the side of my truck says Barnaky Trucking.
We hit the North Carolina line and then it hits me.
I said, Hey wait a minute I remember you now it was about 3 years ago I was at a computer lab in Arlington and I saw you in the hall, but I dont think Ive ever been to Arlington.
Edward said, I was hoping that the memory fade would hold out for a little longer. Apparently I was wrong. He pulled the gun back out and said, Pull over now Wes this is where we part company. Its perfect no one else is around on the road time for you to leave this world behind.
Then suddenly out of nowhere a group of hummers appeared and began trying to force me off the road. I tried as best I could to avoid crashing so I finally got into the breakdown lane and within seconds of me stopping my truck guys dressed like they were ready for a weekend in Bagdad popped and surrounded my rig. I put my hands out of the window, and one of them opened the door and pushed me to the ground.
I raised my head long enough to see Edward get dragged out of the truck and I heard one of the guys say, You really thought you could get away with it. You thought you could side-step protocol and take out a warp-job and pocket some cold hard cash. Looking to pad your nest egg Dr. Lynch I cant say Im surprised.
He nodded at one of the men who grabbed Edward threw him in one of the hummers. Then the lead guy who talked to Edward walked over to me and said, Take him to bunker #21 and get the rig out of sight double time.
I started to say something and the next thing I know a rifle butt nailed me in the back of my skull and the whole world went black.
Now I am trying to figure out where I am and what is going on. I guess I am in the luxury suite of bunker #21. The door opens and a man with two armed gentlemen step forward
The main man says, Come with me.
I follow them to an empty room with a table and a lamp on the table. They leave as another man steps forward. He says, Have a seat Wes.
I say, Who are you guys? Hey I know your voice youre the guy from the side of the road you took Edward and
He says, My name is Henderson that is all you need to know about me.
Edward was in possession of a disc that had some valuable data on it. We got it now and we caught his accomplices in Columbia. As far as we can tell you did what you thought was the right thing at the wrong time.
I say, What the hell is going on? I want a lawyer.
Henderson says, Shut-up Wes or do not want to know about the first time you met Edward.
I sit down and Henderson says, About three years ago you were a warehouse worker for a computer lab in Arlington. It was a black-ops department and Edward was my protégé thats how you know him. He made the mistake of stepping out so you could see him. No one is supposed to know what we look like or anything like that. Trying to arrange your death was too time consuming and we found out that you called your wife when you arrived.
Wife?
Henderson continues, Oh yeah you were married, but we found it easier to arrange your fake death, and give you a new identity. That face you see everyday in the mirror youve only had it for about two and half years.
I say with my voice shaking, But I have memories of my childhood and a real life.
Henderson says, Computer implanted the fact is that periodically that physical you go through for your insurance we upgrade the memory with that flu-vaccine shot. All of your childhood friends that you keep in touch with our agents we created a whole new life for you.
I start to shake and sweat as Henderson says, Dr. Lynch was getting ready to skip out with the data and sell it to the Iranians actually. He was tying up loose ends and you were a big one.
I ask, How did he know how to find me?
Henderson says, In that scar in your ankle is a microscopic GPS weve been tracking you for years. The side effect of your memory alteration you can stay up for days and days. Thats why I figured long distance trucking was ideal for you. You see Wes I think I should call that it was my fathers name I like you thats why you werent killed the first time and that is why I wont kill you again.
I ask, But what about my shipment to Charlotte?
Henderson chuckles, Wes have you ever wondered why you are always hauling electronic supplies. You are the delivery man for our black-ops unit. The shipment is already there, by this time tomorrow youll wake up in Charlotte having delivered the supplies on time with no problems.
I ask, What about all of this? I know this now are you going to kill me?
Henderson says, Wes if I wanted you dead youd be dead already. Fact is we have done all that we can for your memory for now without risking brain damage. So we will alter it one more time and then over the course of the next five years, if there is not another quantum leap in memory altering your old memories will resurface.
I ask, And then what?
Henderson says, Youll become another conspiracy theory nut, but you can serve a purpose like conspiracy nuts do. You will help us see where there are holes in our system. Well keep our eye on you; sorry to say though youll die alone we cant take too many chances.
My whole life is a lie I dont know who I am anymore and if these guys are always watching me what kind of life is that?
I look at Henderson and say, Oh yeah well deal with this hole.
I grab the lamp jerk the cord out and stuff it down my throat and with that I am now a free man
I was haulin a load of flat screens to a Wal-Mart warehouse in Charlotte, North Carolina. I was on I-81 gettin ready to pick up I-77 just past Roanoke, Virginia. Man the rain was comin down in buckets. I remember our preacher said that the Lord was never gonna flood the Earth ever again, well the rain we all were dealin with on the road this evening made me wonder if my preacher was stretchin the truth a bit. Anyway I saw this young fella hitchin on the side of the road. Now as I already told you I have but one rule, but the rain was so fierce and he looked like drowned rat so I figured what the heck?
I pulled over and popped up my passenger door and he sprinted up to me in a tan jacket and jeans.
Where you headin to, I asked
He replied, Columbia, South Carolina.
Well Columbia is about 2 and half hours south of Charlotte so I didnt see any harm in lendin this guy a hand.
I told him, Im headin as far as Charlotte Ill take you that far youll have about another 2 and a half hours to go.
He said, As long as itll get me out of this mess.
He hopped in and we rolled on into the night.
We rode along for about 15 minutes and figured it was time to learn a little bit about my new tag-a-long. Besides if you have never done the 81 to 77 run at times the drive can seem endless, so it was nice to have some conversation.
I asked, So whats your story?
He replied, My name is Edward. Edward Lynch Im an engineer from Arlington. I was on my way to Columbia for my parents 5oth wedding anniversary when my car broke down. My cell-phone was dying so I luckily I got one more call out before it died. I got a tow truck to get my car to service station and I figured I might as well try to hoof it to Columbia. Maybe one of my siblings could give me a lift back where my car is parked at. Thanks a lot for the ride though I appreciate it boy so nasty weather were havin here.
I said, Yeah well Ive seen worse. I hope you dont mind my sayin you look familiar to me. I cant quite place your face but I know I have seen you somewhere before.
Edward replied, No offense but I cant say that I remember you off hand.
I said, None taken, ah maybe Im just mistakin you for someone else. After a drivin this rig for a while a lot of the faces start to look the same.
Edward nodded and then put his hands in his pockets. Strange I got the heater on full blast and this guy is still cold? That dont make a lot of sense to me.
Are you still cold there Ed?
He replied, its Edward and no I have something of great value to me and I just want to make sure that I dont lose it.
He pulled out a silver disc looked like a DVD and said, Its a disc of family photos hoping to show the folks how much the kids have grown and that kind of thing.
I ask, You gotta family? I thought for something like this they would be with you?
He started to get a little nervous but said, Well my wife tryin to get off work and get the kids out of private school it would be a big hassle so I figured Id go solo.
That right there shouldve been my cue, he was gettin nervous and if he had one phone call left he wasnt too far from home why didnt he call home? Columbia is way further.
To keep the mood light I said, Hey if you want to make sure that disc is okay I got a DVD player you can pop it in there and check it.
Edward suddenly became even more on edge and said, No, I mean I am sure its okay. Itll be fine he can we pull over for a minute I need to use the bathroom.
I pulled over and we headed over to the restroom at a local diner. I offered to buy us some coffee but Edward said hed pay for it. When he pulled out his wallet I noticed a couple of things. One Edward had a flip-id badge in his jacket and worse he had a small caliber gun in his jacket pocket.
If I did or said anything I could end up dead so I figured keep cool I was about 4 hours away from Charlotte. Just drop this guy off and get gone.
We got back in the truck and I kept my mouth shut no need in eggin on a potentially bad situation.
Then suddenly he snapped, You saw it didnt you? I know you did!
I said, Say what?
Edward pulled out his gun and said, You saw the disc didnt you know dont you? DONT YOU?!?
I knew he couldnt shoot me because we were on a twisty mountain road in the rain, and I seriously doubt Edward knows how to drive this rig. So if I die he goes with me.
I said, I saw your gun and your id that is all I saw I dont know about the disc.
Edward said, All-right we get to Charlotte I let you go were clear. Do anything stupid I know people that would love to make your death look accidental.
I shot back, Look Edward I got no family and if you kill me now. This rig will be off the edge of the mountain and whatever you need to do in Columbia wont get done because youll be dead. So with that in mind you either tell me what is going on by the time I get to three or Ill take us off the hill.
Edward sneered, No way.
I said, Have it your way.
I begin to turn the wheel and Edward screams, ALL-RIGHT! Its technology. Next-gen stuff I am meeting with a courier from Japan I am giving this disc to him for a cool 20 million.
I looked at my clock and said, Well I am ahead of schedule and with this rain I can say that I got delayed. Tell you what for five million I will take you all the way to Columbia and that will more than make up for anything I am docked for being late. Once I get my money I am gone and I never saw you.
We got a deal?
Edward replied, All-right then Wes. He put the gun away.
If I play my cards right I know enough places between here and Columbia that I might be able to get the disc from him and get 20 million reasons to retire.
What Edward said though shouldve been the largest red-flag of all I never told him my name and the side of my truck says Barnaky Trucking.
We hit the North Carolina line and then it hits me.
I said, Hey wait a minute I remember you now it was about 3 years ago I was at a computer lab in Arlington and I saw you in the hall, but I dont think Ive ever been to Arlington.
Edward said, I was hoping that the memory fade would hold out for a little longer. Apparently I was wrong. He pulled the gun back out and said, Pull over now Wes this is where we part company. Its perfect no one else is around on the road time for you to leave this world behind.
Then suddenly out of nowhere a group of hummers appeared and began trying to force me off the road. I tried as best I could to avoid crashing so I finally got into the breakdown lane and within seconds of me stopping my truck guys dressed like they were ready for a weekend in Bagdad popped and surrounded my rig. I put my hands out of the window, and one of them opened the door and pushed me to the ground.
I raised my head long enough to see Edward get dragged out of the truck and I heard one of the guys say, You really thought you could get away with it. You thought you could side-step protocol and take out a warp-job and pocket some cold hard cash. Looking to pad your nest egg Dr. Lynch I cant say Im surprised.
He nodded at one of the men who grabbed Edward threw him in one of the hummers. Then the lead guy who talked to Edward walked over to me and said, Take him to bunker #21 and get the rig out of sight double time.
I started to say something and the next thing I know a rifle butt nailed me in the back of my skull and the whole world went black.
Now I am trying to figure out where I am and what is going on. I guess I am in the luxury suite of bunker #21. The door opens and a man with two armed gentlemen step forward
The main man says, Come with me.
I follow them to an empty room with a table and a lamp on the table. They leave as another man steps forward. He says, Have a seat Wes.
I say, Who are you guys? Hey I know your voice youre the guy from the side of the road you took Edward and
He says, My name is Henderson that is all you need to know about me.
Edward was in possession of a disc that had some valuable data on it. We got it now and we caught his accomplices in Columbia. As far as we can tell you did what you thought was the right thing at the wrong time.
I say, What the hell is going on? I want a lawyer.
Henderson says, Shut-up Wes or do not want to know about the first time you met Edward.
I sit down and Henderson says, About three years ago you were a warehouse worker for a computer lab in Arlington. It was a black-ops department and Edward was my protégé thats how you know him. He made the mistake of stepping out so you could see him. No one is supposed to know what we look like or anything like that. Trying to arrange your death was too time consuming and we found out that you called your wife when you arrived.
Wife?
Henderson continues, Oh yeah you were married, but we found it easier to arrange your fake death, and give you a new identity. That face you see everyday in the mirror youve only had it for about two and half years.
I say with my voice shaking, But I have memories of my childhood and a real life.
Henderson says, Computer implanted the fact is that periodically that physical you go through for your insurance we upgrade the memory with that flu-vaccine shot. All of your childhood friends that you keep in touch with our agents we created a whole new life for you.
I start to shake and sweat as Henderson says, Dr. Lynch was getting ready to skip out with the data and sell it to the Iranians actually. He was tying up loose ends and you were a big one.
I ask, How did he know how to find me?
Henderson says, In that scar in your ankle is a microscopic GPS weve been tracking you for years. The side effect of your memory alteration you can stay up for days and days. Thats why I figured long distance trucking was ideal for you. You see Wes I think I should call that it was my fathers name I like you thats why you werent killed the first time and that is why I wont kill you again.
I ask, But what about my shipment to Charlotte?
Henderson chuckles, Wes have you ever wondered why you are always hauling electronic supplies. You are the delivery man for our black-ops unit. The shipment is already there, by this time tomorrow youll wake up in Charlotte having delivered the supplies on time with no problems.
I ask, What about all of this? I know this now are you going to kill me?
Henderson says, Wes if I wanted you dead youd be dead already. Fact is we have done all that we can for your memory for now without risking brain damage. So we will alter it one more time and then over the course of the next five years, if there is not another quantum leap in memory altering your old memories will resurface.
I ask, And then what?
Henderson says, Youll become another conspiracy theory nut, but you can serve a purpose like conspiracy nuts do. You will help us see where there are holes in our system. Well keep our eye on you; sorry to say though youll die alone we cant take too many chances.
My whole life is a lie I dont know who I am anymore and if these guys are always watching me what kind of life is that?
I look at Henderson and say, Oh yeah well deal with this hole.
I grab the lamp jerk the cord out and stuff it down my throat and with that I am now a free man