Wash Your Nasty-Ass Hands!!11!

[Lightning Strykez!]

Wash Your Nasty-Ass Hands!!11!

A Lightning Strykez Adventure​

So. I was standing in front of my office's restroom. I desperately had to pee (the morning's coffee had finally hit the bottom). But I didn't want to go in there. Why? Because the anal gas cloud was so powerful that you could smell it through the cracks around the door. You know how Firemen can tell how hot a fire is by touching the doorknob before opening the door? Um, yeah...there were definitely strong signals going on. Now, granted, I could've gone to another floor to pee, but we had clients coming in for a conference that morning--and I was going to be late. I had to make a decision. Now.

Bracing for impact I ran in, like a football player guns for the touchdown. As expected, the air is filled with stench--the kind of **** that makes your eyes water. The mirrors were fogged up. "This must be what sick buffalo smells like" I thought as the seemingly green smoke repeatedly raped my nostrils. I held my breath as long as possible as I tried to "rush it" at the urinal.

After I finished, I turned around, zipping up, and as I did so the stall door opened. Out came the source of the toxic fumes that had fogged up the mirrors and had me begging for an early death: it was a well-dressed, older businessman. He walked past and I followed. Naturally, I headed straight to the sink to wash my hands, but dude kept walking and left the restroom without doing so.

"What a disgusting thing" I mused to myself. There is nothing I hate more than people who do No. 2s in public, wipe their asses continuously--back-and-forth--and then don't wash their hands. It's a disgusting thing! Nevertheless, I dried my hands and grabbed an extra papertowel to wrap around the exit door's handle. After opening it, I propped it open with my foot, and slam-dunked the now-balled-up napkin in the aluminum wastepaper box.

Refreshed, I entered the crowded conference room and everyone was setting up their laptops. The clients were there (there were three of them so far) and people were shaking hands for your generic meet-and-greet. Finally, my director called me over to him and said, "Caliph I want to meet [Company X]'s Director of Marketing." "Okay", I replied, looking past his shoulder. And lo and behold, standing next to him is....





*enter Twilight Zone Music*




...you guessed it: the well-dressed, older businessman who didn't wash his nasty-ass hands 2 minutes earlier! "Nice to meet you Caliph!" he said. I looked downward. His hand was outstretched to me for a handshake...

Okay Hype: If you were in my situation, would you have shaked his hand?

Spoiler

I'll tell you all what I did later in this thread.

 

[Fried Gold]

Who are you, Larry David?

 

[JP]

Eww. No shakey nastey poopy hands.


That happens to me all the time. I'm in the bathroom and someone "finishes up" and then leaves. I mean, don't they feel embarrassed that everyone in the bathroom watched them NOT wash their hands??

 

[04nbod]

i've heard people leave without washing their hands but when i tell my friends as a warning they think i'm wierd for listening

i would have shook his hand then washed it thoroughly before going home and getting the disinfectant out

 

[redmarvel]

I would have probably tipped an imaginary hat to him saying "we just met in the washroom".

 

[sinewave]

pooping is gross. not washing your hands afterward is even grosser.

 

[Fran]

I love it when people start their thread with one big-text letter.

But if I was in your shoes, I would shake his hand, because if you don't, you won't really make much of an impact at work... people will question your not shaking his hand, and if you told them "He didn't wipe his ass" then people will think you're weird as hell.

I'd go and wash my hands ASAP, though, afterwards.

 

[JP]

I love it when people start their thread with one big-text letter.

That's one of LS "things he does".

 

[Fran]

O Rly?

 

[JP]

Ya, rly.

 

[The Squirrel]

No... I would not.

I would call him on it.

 

[Colossal Spoons]

Who are you, Larry David?

It was a dry sneeze!

 

[November Rain]

you should hav just coughed in your hand and pretended your hands were too dirty to shake his...

oh and this is why i learnt to hold my breath for over two minutes...

 

[Killgore]

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an Escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an Escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air-time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on The Crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

 

[I_Hate_U_All]

THIS IS THE BEST ARTICLE YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN LIGHTNING.

Sorry for stinking up the restroom btw...

Well um, just put a medical glove on before shaking hands next time.

 

[Lightning Strykez!]

That happens to me all the time. I'm in the bathroom and someone "finishes up" and then leaves. I mean, don't they feel embarrassed that everyone in the bathroom watched them NOT wash their hands??

Egggsactly.

I mean, think about it: Dude was definitely giving birth in that stall. I could hear amazing sound effects before I even went in the restroom. I think he was having a hard time.

But my thing is, after all that, how can you not wash your hands? I mean, even if you don't get a little fecal matter under your nails, the fact remains that your fingers--the body parts you use to do everything from eating, to writing, to picking your nose discreetly--have been in close proximity with your anus--the very heart of your body's garbage disposal system!

How could you not wash your hands?

 

[Lightning Strykez!]

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an Escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an Escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air-time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on The Crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

Killgore...I love you man. up: LOL I have...never laughed at a post so hard as the above. By the way, I'd rather die than use a public restroom for a No. 2 but if I must, I'm totally a "SAFE HAVEN" kinda guy.

THIS IS THE BEST ARTICLE YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN LIGHTNING.

Heh. Danke.

 

[black_dust]

You know how Firemen can tell how hot a fire is by touching the doorknob before opening the door?

Wait wait wait, you can have cold fires???? Also its the door itself they check is hot before opening to prevent backdrafts

 

[jimmy]

I don't think I could bring myself to shake his hand.

I mean **** -- I wash my hands BEFORE and AFTER I use the restroom!

 

[Sensi]

You made me giggle but i know what you mean. People need to wash their hands.

 

[Kyalesyin]

I don't see what the big deal is- not about washing hands, I always do that, but using a public bathroom. I mean, so what? Other people us it too. That makes it bad why?

 

[kane9321]

kaz baby..those restrooms have all kinds of germs and stuff

 

[Mr Jide]

Wash Your Nasty-Ass Hands!!11!​

A Lightning Strykez Adventure​

So. I was standing in front of my office's restroom. I desperately had to pee (the morning's coffee had finally hit the bottom). But I didn't want to go in there. Why? Because the anal gas cloud was so powerful that you could smell it through the cracks around the door. You know how Firemen can tell how hot a fire is by touching the doorknob before opening the door? Um, yeah...there were definitely strong signals going on. Now, granted, I could've gone to another floor to pee, but we had clients coming in for a conference that morning--and I was going to be late. I had to make a decision. Now.

Bracing for impact I ran in, like a football player guns for the touchdown. As expected, the air is filled with stench--the kind of **** that makes your eyes water. The mirrors were fogged up. "This must be what sick buffalo smells like" I thought as the seemingly green smoke repeatedly raped my nostrils. I held my breath as long as possible as I tried to "rush it" at the urinal.

After I finished, I turned around, zipping up, and as I did so the stall door opened. Out came the source of the toxic fumes that had fogged up the mirrors and had me begging for an early death: it was a well-dressed, older businessman. He walked past and I followed. Naturally, I headed straight to the sink to wash my hands, but dude kept walking and left the restroom without doing so.

"What a disgusting thing" I mused to myself. There is nothing I hate more than people who do No. 2s in public, wipe their asses continuously--back-and-forth--and then don't wash their hands. It's a disgusting thing! Nevertheless, I dried my hands and grabbed an extra papertowel to wrap around the exit door's handle. After opening it, I propped it open with my foot, and slam-dunked the now-balled-up napkin in the aluminum wastepaper box.

Refreshed, I entered the crowded conference room and everyone was setting up their laptops. The clients were there (there were three of them so far) and people were shaking hands for your generic meet-and-greet. Finally, my director called me over to him and said, "Caliph I want to meet [Company X]'s Director of Marketing." "Okay", I replied, looking past his shoulder. And lo and behold, standing next to him is....





*enter Twilight Zone Music*




...you guessed it: the well-dressed, older businessman who didn't wash his nasty-ass hands 2 minutes earlier! "Nice to meet you Caliph!" he said. I looked downward. His hand was outstretched to me for a handshake...

Okay Hype: If you were in my situation, would you have shaked his hand?

Spoiler

I'll tell you all what I did later in this thread.

LMAO!!

 

[Kyalesyin]

kaz baby..you dont wash afterwards?

Can you read? I said I always wash, I just don't understand why people are so phobic of public bathrooms.

 

[The Squirrel]

So did you or did you not shake the hand of filth?