We own the night- vampire novel

[SLVRSR4]

With recent influx of terrible vampire stories in my opinion. True Blood and Twilight. I've brought upon myself to try and bring something new to the table. I know there are some things like Let the right one in representing this cause, but another reason is that I'm bored.

I guesss post in this thread if you have ideas you would be willing to give me on what you would like to see in a vampire film. I have a lot of pages done, but the editing is sloppy and scarcely evident.

 

[wellsy]

Well, it isn't so much an idea for story as visually, but I don't want to see vampires leaping like in Twilight. That just screams of a lack of imagination, and really, it looks lame.

Whe vampires fight, ho boy, should they fight - running like the Flash, and when they start jumping, they shouldn't pseudo-fly; they should long jump a bloody mile!

In short, think Trinity Blood vampires (look up the trailers, particularly for volumes 3 and 4).

 

[SLVRSR4]

There's one vampire and if he flies he has to turn into a large bat right now. I'm having humans try and hunt him so he can't be too fast, but no twilight stunts right now, I'm going back to Dracula anything but Twilight. It's actually hating on Twilight for the most part. Here's a passage about the act of biting someone. Let me know what you think.



Rolled the car into a parking spot and gripped the steering wheel her hands slipping from the sweat appearing there. She had never done this before and wanted him to make the first move. Edward hadn’t taken his eyes away from those cuts the blood that had come out of them would soon be in him.

He had to show restraint though you couldn’t just drain someone entirely at once, though that would be a bit difficult with her. You would taste her and come back for more and more Savoring each and every drop. his hands began shaking his teeth chattering. He couldn’t hold himself back anymore the whole ride picturing her blood splattered along the vehicle. Pulling her head back and running his sharp fingernail on it gulping down the warm red life he craved so much. He would feel her all of her, her emotions and troubles so prevalent in these young girls.

His throat clenched up and he ran his hand through her hair. Why wasn’t she looking at me, this would be so easy if she just looked at me. Thirty seconds had passed and Marcy wasn’t sure if anything was going to happen. Who would want to kiss me let alone blank me, she would say while grabbing a flab in front of the mirror.

She turned to look at him and saw those eyes, they were different from before they were large red and black swirls. She gripped the wheel even tighter this time and let out a moan ready for him to be inside of her. She wanted all of him now she had never felt so aroused before.

His hand slowly moved guiding her hair above her head. He ran his finger along her face the nail cutting her a thin line drawn along the craters of her face. He tilted her head back ever so gently and penetrated her. Spasms began over taking her, her body unable to cope with this surge of sensations. He suckled her as she writhed, the sound of the speakers drowning out his deep drinks. He had to stop, but couldn’t that life flowing feeling it run down through his chest. No, stop, stop, humans were the ones who couldn’t control them. He pulled out suddenly a strand of her skin with it leaving her near empty. He licked his lips for any stray drops.

Marcy felt exhausted her arms slumped and fell off of the steering wheel. Since their eyes had met nothing but pleasure was in her mind. Edward this nice guy who hadn’t made fun of her who had only been good to her he wouldn’t leave her till death do us part would be true this time. This is what love must feel like her final thought before passing out. Edward leaned forward and ran his tongue along her neck covering up the wounds he had inflicted. Something on it had patched up the skin and the marks were gone it even looked better than before.

“Wouldn’t want something to prevent us from meeting again would you?”
Edward don’t leave me not right now.”
“You’ll be capable of going home in a few hours, but won’t remember any of this you’ll think you had just taken me home a really nice guy with a troubled past.
” Well I’m off thanks for inviting me. Eddie you will come back right? “Sure thing”

Edward opened his door and closed it with a nice click. He went to the water and watched as it crashed into the rocks there. He turned around to see if anyone was watching. He undressed and

 

[SLVRSR4]

small intro piece for one of the characters

DAN TAKES A DIVE

Dan was in the plane with the others ready to take that leap of faith they’d been training for. His knees were buckling so he put his hand against the cold plane and regretted it. The jumpmaster shouted “Stand up! Hook up! Shuffle to the door.” His squad and the rest repeated it and did as he said.

Boot camp hadn’t been anything like what he had imagined before coming out to Georgia the average temperature being too ****ing hot. Just yesterday he had slipped in his own sweat doing push-ups for whatever reason the drill sergeant said and had to do to start all over when he fell. It would be over soon though he’d be back in Oshkosh with what he called the W.E.B. Du bois their parody of The Boys to goad Walter when they were bored. The brotherhood they shared He thought about that when he first said it, but now knew the depth of their camaraderie, the fellowship.

The first time seeing Walter came to him a black kid playing Pokémon cards on the corner of Merritt and Evans. Walter’s eyes had met him with the same curious look seeing Dan with a Dragon Ball Z lunchbox and a Batman and Robin cape for the first time. “Why is your skin so dark?” At the age of eight many possible answers flew through their heads none of which made sense. Walter looked up from his kneeling position. “I guess it’s because my parents are that way.” Walter asked, “How come you look so different? You don’t look like other kids.” Well I guess it’s cuz I’m from canadia it’s really cold up there so my mom lets me wear this whenever I want to.” Picking up a piece of his cape proudly. With that answered the awkwardness went away and their friendship had begun.

“Yeah, that is the best movie ever!”

“I know right?”

“Wanna play pokeymon with me?”Walter asked scraping up the cards from the sidewalk. “I don’t know how to play that game.” “It’s easy, I’ll show you.” Walter divided up the cards and whichever card had the larger number would win. They never reshuffled the decks and when the same cards kept coming up no one seemed to notice. Dan had lost eight times in a row and said

“Man, you’re really good at this game.”

“You just have to practice a lot. My mom always says practice makes perfect.”

“I’m getting hungry you want to share lunch with me Walter?”

“Yeah I won’t have to go back for lunch then and we can keep playing.”

Dan opened his lunchbox Walter amazed at the contents inside the way only a kid can. “Woahhhhh! Your mom lets you eat nothing but cookies? Your, mom is cool.” They quickly devoured the cookies their mouths dry with nothing to drink. The feeling was quickly forgotten and when they started playing again the cards rammed into each other with sound effects given to display their battle worthiness “Rarrrr!!” “I’m gonna crush your skull!”

It wouldn’t be long before the fellowship was fully formed. This went on for hours Walter and Dan lost in the joys of childhood the turtle with guns on his back the victor. They had been alone before then, but didn’t know that, didn’t even mind it. Yet here they would play by a street lamp until Walter’s mom eventually had to pry them away. Her eyes were heavy and she looked like she never seeped. “Don’t you know there’s a crazy running loose around here killing kids?” Dan’s eyes full of youthful ignorance or bliss to others raised up to hers. “I’m sorry we didn’t know honest” “well that’s alright just make sure you get home safe and don’t talk to any strangers” “Yes mam,” He was about to go and spun around “I’ll be here tomorrow Walter if you want to play some more” “I’ll come down here right after lunch cyah” “cyah later” Dan lifted up his cape and ran off billowing in the wind.

He let out a laugh; they came together playing a card game that meant pocket-monsters.

Someone beside him looked at Dan with a lost look on his face. Dan traced his eyes out
the blurry skyline below them. They’d be jumping soon he pulled up his rip cord and put it over his shoulder the loop in his hand. Let it get too windy to jump he prayed pulling the small necklace that Adrian had given him, it was of Saint Joseph of Cupertino patron saint of paratroopers. He tucked it back in his pocket and checked his reserve chute on the waist holding it close like a newborn. The green light to go would be there any second and he repeated the mantra that got him up here. “20 seconds, 20 seconds, 20 seconds and it will all be over.” The PLF parachute landing fall or peeling to others was drilled into them and was reflex. Just don’t look at the ground Dan and you’ll be alright.

Dan looked up surprised to see no one moving. It was hard to hear, but he could see someone was refusing to jump. The person struggling to stay in was kicked out screaming and a smack was heard farther down the plane as she bounced off of it.
Just one person in front of him and then he’d take the plunge. This was “serious bizness guyz” as Jon would always say; he had seen someone die from drinking too much milk before a ten mile hike. The next day someone’s fingers fly off during a live-fire drill. All of this was before he even went to Iraq. Dan Bellerophon Lizotte, Dan wasn’t sure why his dad had called him that, another thing that would stay unanswered. Dan had never felt this much dread in his entire life. He would do anything to be on the ground have them call him Bella the prettiest boy in the whole battalion just get him off of this plane. Everyone was looking to him to do this perfectly since the first day when their names were being read off.
The Drill Sergeant had stopped at Dan looking at the name long and peculiar. He had already been through basic, why did he sign up for this was something he sat in his bunk bed thinking about a lot. His letters were already falling apart from being folded and read repeatedly. “Bellerophon huh? A regular flyboy. You must a been born to do this, destiny, private do you believe in that?” He was relieved that the nickname Bella hadn’t followed him over here and took too long to reply. “I’m not sure sir!” “Well figure it out already it’ll be a lot better when you do. Drop down and give me twenty for your uncertainty.”

The seconds were sluggish waiting to drop in sync with the other side after the person who hit the plane took them out of it. He closed his eyes maybe it would go away. “Get up here!” The jumpmaster said. Dan shuffled then jumped out and opened his eyes as he plummeted. He had nothing to compare to how he was feeling the best in his entire life. He wanted to scream and look at the ground then did to see it speeding closer and stifled his screaming by gritting his teeth and stared up at the sky. He was heading straight for some asphalt. He pulled on the risers finding out they were the wrong ones later making him plummet faster into the road. His feet hit first and then his hip which would still be swollen two weeks later. So much for Feet calf thigh pull up muscle he thought as he nursed the sizable lump on his hip.

 

[wellsy]

That was actually very hard to read.

First of all, run a spellcheck. Second, when writing dialogue, each time a different character speaks, give them a seperate paragraph. Remember, one paragraph is one point, one thing, and especially so with dialogue.

Third, is really just grammar.

And fourth, I really don't get this - you've got someone who's about to jump out of an aircraft, and they have a flashback to their childhood when they meet a friend. I honestly don't get it.

And fifth - your opinion of the army is really pathetic. I don't care if you're in America and I'm in Australia, they don't say "drop and give me 20 because you're uncertain". It would NEVER happen, I guarantee it.

And finally, leaping out of the aircraft, it was so fast, I wasn't even sure he was 10,000 feet up. I thought he was jumping off a telegraph pole or something the way you wrote it. Stretch it out.

Nice little reference to Twilight though.

Really, it's just iteration. Take this all into account after you've done your first draft and start rewriting and editing.

 

[SLVRSR4]

I'm in the process of re-editing at the moment and agree what you said about the twenty. Though this is a first hand account from someone who jumped out of a plane that I know from the military and said it took little more than twenty seconds.

It isn't mentioned that much in this draft, but he is going home to see his old friends from high school. I really do need to lengthen Here is a somewhat edited intro tell me what you think.

Walter Pride’s summer

Walter sat in his dining room at the computer with the cursor blinking. Here one second gone the next, out of sight out of existence. If only that were true he thought. He stared at a lengthy letter that he had typed for his first girlfriend. She had laughed because his writing was so bad he had to type it. He said it was so that he could just spell check it. He let out a deep laugh that was depressing in tone. He had done everything for her, and with a little hug here and there he would come and heel for more just like the dog at his feet. He remembered walking for hours thinking of a way to ask her out for that first date, their first thing outside of school. The small dog began barking, this made him laugh harder drowning the dog out. There was so much resentment in him and all the things that had changed in so short a time. He used to love dogs and her; he had loved her so much.

With school out he had a lot of time to think about what had happened between them and he still wasn’t sure if it was good or bad. It had been almost four months and the summer had gone along as planned, uneventful and no longer involving her. He did what he wanted watching movies, playing video games, reading books, and hours on the internet. This kept him from thinking too much, but those thoughts still came every now and then. A great sense of hollowness resided over him and he had to do something to give him purpose. Depression had seeped into him or was it something else?

He decided to write a four book epic about werewolves, to relaunch them into a fearsome entity again. Not exactly what he had in mind for doing something bigger as he put it, but it was definitely a start. He had the time needed to write it and the ideas were all there but wasn’t sure how to format and begin. Sometimes the ideas would overflow into him and he just had to type them out. With no formal training however it came out jumbled and made him think his onset of schizophrenia was soon at hand. That would make him forget about depression at least, but it didn’t make for a good story.

Despite this minor setback, every English teacher had praised his work and he was certain that all of them, save one who used green ink instead of red because “red was mean” had been honest with him. His short story about gliding cats taking over the world had made it to a state competition, but lost, because fundamentally, it was a story about gliding cats. They had said “It’s trying to be more than it can be.” Ignoring the ties to rebirth and naturalism he didn’t notice until he had reread it this year. He would have to come back and rewrite that if he ever got the books he was working on published.

That was what had become his resolve; Time said the same thing about The Dark Knight trying to be more than it could be and the backlash of hate for something that was worthy of its credit in his eyes and The Batman could not be tolerated by him. This fuel compelled him to make something similar drove him past those dim thoughts of futility that creep up from the darkness. Darkness was his old friend he had heard in a song. Some friend, why was he always doing this to him?

The sound of the dog brought him out of his thoughts and he decided to feed the damn thing. He walked into the kitchen and got a can of the wet food from the cupboard out. He opened the can cutting his finger when he tried to pull the top off a little pool was forming on the countertop. “Goddamnit” he said as he took the can opener and chucked it into the sink the dog cowering under a nearby chair still wagging its tail. Walter put his finger in his mouth tasting his metallic blood and plopped the dog food into the dish with small paw prints. He stared at the dog (Longshanks) as it dived into the food and thought about the last time he had been so excited to see something. He didn’t eat as much as he used to which could be part of the depression or he just wasn’t being what Jon had called fat people “Hungry.” Adrian had said he went from “blimp to pimp” and that was worth a small chuckle.

He would see Adrian Joyce tonight and it would be like old times when the fellowship was together with Dan, and Jon, but it wasn’t. It would only be them, Pride and Joy that would be enough for now. They’d talk about the old times and shoot the **** as they’d like to say then they’d plan something for when Dan came back. That wouldn’t be for a few hours and he decided he had some time to kill and walked into his bedroom, finger still in his mouth, and lay down on the bed. He felt lonely for a second and even darkness his old friend wasn’t there to console him. He remembered a comedy sketch about how when you sleep you were never alone. This threw him into a no one is watching laugh sad and happy at the same time and he put his finger back in his mouth like a baby curling up into the fetal position and lucidly he dreamt about werewolves exchanging weapons at the border to Canada.

 

[wellsy]

Much better. That was very easy to read. It flowed much better as well. Just a note about introducing the dog though - instead of putting it as an aside in brackets, remove the brackets and use commas. So, instead of ...the dog (Longshanks) as it..., make it ...the dog, Longshanks, as it.... "," and "()" are interchangable in most cases).

Also, a note about the previous post - I think a better idea might be to write the jumper to be focusing on his upcoming jump, and have the flashback interleaved with the jump. Cut the flashback into thirds, say, and put the first part just after he's jumped out. Then we come back from the flashback as he pulls his cord. Then we hit the second part of the flashback. The third part can be after he's hit the ground, and I reckon the third part should more introspective.

 

[SLVRSR4]

Didn't think about that for the dog. I think I could chop the flashback to where the cape is mentioned the most because the idea of Dracula with a cape just seems funny to me.

I'm trying to write a short story about the gliding cats and one or two news entries about one death and another about characters who first meet the vampire.

What do you think of the vampire adminstering a sort of amnesia explaining why he has been able to live in the same location so long in addition to his invisiblity to cameras?

 

[enygma]

I dont want to see vampires who can go out in daylight, it crept into buffy and angel aswell as happening in True Blood and Being Human.

 

[SLVRSR4]

I like the idea of Dracula type vampires being able to walk into the sun being very debilitated, but never sparkling.

 

[SLVRSR4]

[FONT=&quot]“Get away from her!” He said following this with a primordial roar that could be innate reserved for the caveman whose family had just been trampled by a rhinoceros.

In any other situation he would have laughed hearing himself, but it got the thing’s attention and that was what mattered. Adrian began to run at a breakneck pace moving towards the path on the left hoping that Sally’s trail led to the canoe and someone could make it away from this thing.

He looked back to see it gaining on him and as he did this he tripped on a root and flew down the path feeling like he hit all the rocks on his way to the bottom. Adrian landed a loud thud his head breaking his fall. He could see little wisps flying around from the impact on the dirt.

At least I put some distance between us he thought before seeing the beast at the top of the hill from his titled glasses. It looked like it was gliding down to him its thin arms outstretched the skin a kite. It was going to land right on top of him if he didn’t do something.

There was a small drop off behind him and Adrian knew he had nowhere to go. No flight, just fight. Adrian began rocking up and down building momentum as the beast swooped down ready to pounce on him. The creature flew high before bringing in its arms in a dive at him.

Adrian lifted his legs in perfect precision and with all his strength planted his feet into the chest of this monster a crunching noise followed by a cry making an explosion ring in his ears.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Adrian staggered getting up the noise overbearing throwing him into vertigo.

The beast had recovered quickly ready to pounce on him once more. Gnarled claw hands grabbed on to his chest with terrible force.

Digging into his skin and a snapping felt imminent in his collar bone it pulled its mouth towards the sky revealing two jutting fangs. They were the only thing whiter than his skin ready to sink into Adrian’s flesh.

Here's a short piece I'm sending this in to agents soon and hoping to compile a short story collection. sorry the paragraphing isn't done very well, but my computer is going awry. Still not professionally edited .>(
[/FONT]

 

[SLVRSR4]

FOr those interested

[FONT=&quot]“I found the canoe let’s go,” Laurie said through quick breaths.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Laurie led Adrian back to the canoe stumbling occasionally not stopping to look back Adrian’s breathing hoarse from vomiting up so much of his previous meals. Sally looked at the knots of rope leading to the canoe. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “Come on, come on, come on” Laurie chanted in an attempt to untie the knots of rope on the tree and gave up instead trying to break off the branch that kept the canoe tied to this island. It wouldn’t budge so she tore the block of foam that they were wrapped around. Adrian pushed the canoe into the water hoping whatever it was didn’t swim after them.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] They rowed with a fervor the only sounds made were their breathing and the chopping of the waves against the canoe until the island was barely visible. They stopped rowing and caught their breath. Laurie nearly panting asked, “What the **** was that?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] They continued for a minute in silence trying to answer the question seriously. What could possibly explain what they had just seen? Laurie’s mind unable to wrap around their situation. It passed Adrian’s mind that the stories his uncles had said about the chupacabra may very well be real. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Adrian replied, “I don’t know, but it tasted like chicken.” In an attempt to keep them from panicking. Sally turned back to face him [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “I don’t think I want to know actually. Let’s just get home and forget this whole day” Sally turned slightly in her seat.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “This was a bad idea. I just didn’t want to stay by that thing for all we know it could be swimming right below us. Adrian are you bleeding?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Adrian looked down at his new Captain America shirt Sally had got him for his birthday and managed to make out the blood on the white of his shield and tear on the collar.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “It might be from that thing or it could be mine.” Adrian said before pausing for a moment.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “I bit into that thing what if it had AIDS or something?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “Did you see that thing? It probably has its own version of AIDS.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Adrian swished his tongue in his mouth the remnants of the blood still there spitting into the water to no avail the taste still residing in his mouth.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “This is going to sound crazy Laurie, but the only thing I can think of, that can possibly explain what that was, is a vampire.” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Laurie surprised by the short span of time it took to get over what just happened looked at Adrian in a jokingly serious face and said, “That vampire didn’t look like Edward though. I have got to get on livejournal and tell my girls” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] They let out a long laugh that made them rock the canoe a little bit eyes scanning the water as their hands moved their paddles in the water.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “Was that thing wearing clothes?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “I was too busy running for my life to notice Adrian, its face it just sort of drew you towards its eyes. But now that you mention it I think it was wearing pants baggy ones even like he was in a gang. I bet it was the bloods.” Adrian laughed moving backwards in his seat.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Laurie looked down at the center of the canoe shaking her head at his pun and brought her eyes on their lifejackets resting there.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “We should put these on.” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “I’ll hand it to you just stay still” Laurie said the canoe teetering with the slightest movement.

They managed to get their vests on and the adrenaline that was keeping the cold from being felt was beginning to wear thin. They went along looking at all of the lights that were a million miles away from them nothing looked even remotely close for them to go towards.

They paddled and paddled the lights far away as ever. They felt ready to give up after what felt like hours and after long enough sleeping in the canoe didn’t seem like a bad idea even if there was the chance of some sort of monster lurking.

Laurie stopped paddling and they began to drift towards the lights that looked biggest. [/FONT]

 

[wellsy]

Really, apart from minor editing and word changes here and there (not to mention a lot of grammar... hey, my works needs grammar work too), I can't see to much wrong with it.

Really, the only complaint I have is that it doesn't feel very immersive. That may just be because you're posting excerpts. If you could post the whole story, then that would be fantastic (even if it's just a link to another site or an attachment). I feel it would certainly help in terms of constructive criticism.

 

[SLVRSR4]

I've been working with someone who is better at editing and have the first three chapters, but I don't have them on a website or anything so I guess I could send them to your e-mail and anyone else who would like to read it.

 

[wellsy]

I'll PM you my email.