Xmas party anecdotes

[Hound55]

Had an... interesting Christmas party for my work this year to say the least... I'd make one post that goes into depth over all of them, but quite frankly I don't trust your attention spans so I'll break it into a few more digestible smaller posts so you can swallow them easier with a bevvy...

So here we go...

 

[Hound55]

For starters I rocked up down the pub we held it at (was going to be at a park but that got rained out). And another of the guys who I work with was already there (on his 4th beer on the tab ).

He mentioned to me that he was going to have to be on his best behaviour because he'd been fired from two jobs previously for Christmas party antics. And he began to explain how this had occurred, on one occasion he inadvertantly turned the lights off in the whole venue and was accused of smashing up the bathroom. Concluding that "Yeah, so I'll have to be on my best behaviour."

At this point in time the two girls in our office, who I would say comfortably lead our branch in the attractiveness stakes, walked into the pub carrying a massive watermelon and a massive rockmelon (some of you folk may call them cantaloupes or whatever) respectively.

My comment was just to point and utter, well there's your third firing waiting to happen.

He got what I was saying, but was somewhat awestruck that I had the audacity to say it. Silence abounded for quite some time.

This is the time where the two people who follow me around everywhere with massive speakers generally start pumping out the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme...

 

[Hound55]

This was then followed by a few beers before I then went the niggle to this guy. He's a smart bloke and we also share similar taste in spouting quotes from things such as The Simpsons (yes, I'm one of those people... but more obscure quotes. So know, I don't disagree that people caught singing the Mr Plow song like its some kind of new trend be sentenced to death... So I'm nerdy. But I'm an elitist ******** about it too. Glad we straightened that out...) and Ren and Stimpy and so forth.

He also happens to be studying Psych in a big way... and me being the Burk that I am, had to go the little s***-stirring niggle. Coming out with the little gem that I believe Psychology and Psychiatry to be the biggest farces that the human species has ever put out in the world.

Then laying claim to my own personal belief that they're ridiculous pseudo-sciences because EVERY human being is nuts and the only difference is HOW they're crazy. Asking the direct question of him "Have you EVER met another human being who wasn't crazy?"

His answer was after some lengthy thought "Yes."

My own smart arsed response. "No. You've met someone who you don't know well enough..."

I then proceeded to wax philosophical about the labelling that humans feel compelled to do over everything, the fact that extremes only exist in human theory and a tapestry of a number of other arguments weaved together with a mixture of key quotes which eventually led to him being rather sombre and saying that we'd have to agree to disagree.

So in summary with this anecdote...

I'm a c***.

I hope I didn't make him drop out of his uni courses...

 

[Hound55]

A few quick insights into my own smart arsedness...

I asked my own boss if I could get my holiday this week comped if I promised to dedicate time going all around New South Wales b**ching about one of the computer systems they make us deal with.

The answer was sadly a "No."

***

Just as she was about to break into her annual speech of what a good job we've done this year, how we're good people to work with she opened with a "Not that any of you will listen to me anyway."

Which left the perfect gap for me to say in a perfect deadpan "True enough. I generally just make up your side of the conversation in my head." Where she followed that with something about still being able to be fired at a work function (s***, maybe I do make up her side of conversations in my head since I can quote verbatim...) I shot back with a "Thanks, I do like this shirt."

The secret to being a c*** is to make enough people laugh that anyone who would retaliate with authority looks like a piss-poor loser... Buwahahaha!

 

[Hound55]

Finally, and here's the one I really came on here to talk about (and the one which is likely to bring responses of, serves you right you cheeky little c***). Came later on in the night.

My main boss who I'd made a few wise-crack remarks to and from over the night had gone already. My supervisor (one of the two previously mentioned girls), the other girl, and most of the other younger workers were about all that was left. The other girl had experience working in a separate station (for those who tuned in late I work with in Police HQ in my state - so she had station experience in those terms) saw someone she recognised. Some icehead. Now this guy's already jittery as f*** and we've all got a few beers (or other bevvys) inside of us over the course of the night and he's wondering what she'd doing.

I made a comment to someone on the other side of the table and then had a laugh, it was completely irrelevent to this basehead was and what the hell he was doing. Truth be told I hadn't paid enough attention to him to pick up anything other than the folk up the other end of the table were talking to him, wouldn't have been able to describe him even because it was more peripheral vision than anything...

This guy points at me and starts calling me a sarcastic son of a bi*** or something like that, which caught me a bit off balance. Because I hadn't even noticed him enough to say anything about him and what I said was in no way sarcastic. It was asking someone if they remembered something that happened earlier in the year.

Now because I still had only just noticed him, and hadn't seen the trac marks or anything of that sort I shot back in reflex giving two claps and saying "S*** this guy's seen me for three seconds and already knows my M.O. Do him now!"

Fortunately this guy wound up distracted by the others who were still talking to him up the other end of the table. They talked some more and eventually he went to leave because he was getting nervous as f*** and another smart arse up that end of the table mentioned we work at SAPOL which really got him worked up.

Any way, I saw that this guy was going to go on his way and raised my head, put one hand up and uttered simply "Yup, see ya XXXXX" (XXXXX being his name which I won't show here for legal reasons... I'm more subtle than to curse someone out to their face ). This was pure politeness and I do it to everyone, even folk I meet for 5 seconds. The only exception is if I'm on the radio/phone at work.

Now he left, staggering off on his merry way. Walked about 30 yeards down the footpath and then turned around and came back.

He grabbed a glass bottle from in front of one of the girls and started pointing at me and going off his ice-fried nut about going to smash me and glass the sarcasm out of me or some gobsh**e like that.

I said nothing to egg him on because by this time (a little earlier when I had time to see who I was talking to after my thoughtless comeback) I could see that that was not going to get us anywhere because you can't reason with people such as this. He was calmed down by the one at the table he knew, my supervisor pulled rank and got almost all of us into the car (one guy had to walk) and we moved the party on.

Now, turns out this icehead has a rather lengthy list, so I've been told, which includes a CPK. I walk to/from work pretty much every day. I don't want to tell the GF that this guy's got a CPK to his name (which I was told by someone who already knew, I didn't check and I didn't request the information, it was thrust upon me) because she'll be s***scared I'll get stabbed walking home or something.

 

[Hound55]

As you can see, even broken down to 4 posts it still needs an intermission in the 4th act...

It fills you up fast like Chinese food.