The Crapbox of SonOfCthulhu

[SonOfCthulhu]

Way back before I began seriously collecting comics I had a small stash of comics of varying quality. These were comics that I had inherited from my brother or that I had bought in two packs or three packs of books as a pre-teen (anyone remember those? It was always a surprise to see what that third book was). When I say varying quality, I’m not talking about comics grade. I’m talking about varying quality of the story the books contained. I had a Gold Key Lost in Space on Space Station One, a rip-off of the popular TV show that contained none of the characters, poorly drawn art and a bland storyline. Also present was a Silver Surfer Vol 1 where the Surfer first meets and fights Thor. Classic story in a book that would have been worth some money except it had NO COVER. There were Gold Key Star Trek comics, Marvel Two-in-One featuring the Thing, DC's Superstars of Space, a couple of Marvel Team-Up featuring Spider-man and a hand full of first volume E-man books by I forget who.


If this odds and ends collection of books had been graded using today’s scale, they would have barely met poor standards. For a time they were the only comics I owned though. When I began collecting and protecting comics back in the early 80’s, I dubbed this grouping The Crapbox. They were books the held sentimental value, but little money value.

I ended up donating the lot of them to a good friend of mine who also collected. He gave me an incomplete set of Miller’s Daredevil run. Daredevil was his favorite superhero and he just wanted to share the stories that made him care for the character, and by extension the whole business of collecting. I felt that it would be nice to return the favor.

So a few weeks ago I was in our Half-Price bookstore, when what to my eyes should appear? Big bundle packs of 30 comic books for $7 each. Mostly Marvel and DC with a few questionable companies thrown in. So I bought three packs. And lo THE CRAPBOX WAS REBORN…

I’m not greedy. I want to share with you what I found. There’s books in here I would never spend twenty-five cents on. There’s also a few that I would have paid today’s cover prices on if only I had known they existed. So join me as I wade through The Crapbox of SonOfCthulhu.

 

[SonOfCthulhu]

Super Information Hijinks: Reality Check! #1​

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Now that bit about “In 24 bit color” gives something away. This is a reprint of a black-and-white book that had been colorized. Also the mag’s price is $2.95 yet its print date was 1996. $2.95 was pretty expensive for a book in 1996, and if you look inside the first thing you notice is no ads. I’m thinking this was a vanity project that couldn’t find advertisers.



Either way, after a single read through I can only touch this book with tongs without feeling dirty. No, it’s not pornographic or ultra-violent. But the storyline makes me uncomfortable if I think about it for too long. Let me explain…

This is Collin Meeks. He’s poor and just got a new piece of electronic equipment called a True Virtual Reality or TVR. The TVR allows you to enter a virtual world on your computer.

He has a bit of trouble setting it up, but his pet cat helps him out. Notice the art style is kind of Anime/Manga lite.

Collin tries it out on his parents first with some embarrassing results. Note that I’m still ok with the book at this point. It’s what comes next that bothers me. Collin accidentally leaves the TVR on while he’s off getting a snack. Who should fall asleep in the helmet? His cat, of course.

 

[Elijya]

SOC, you might just want to do one at a time

 

[SonOfCthulhu]

SOC, you might just want to do one at a time

Will do. Thanks.

 

[Elijya]

here, people are more likely to read the thread now

 

[Anubis]

Okay, so what did you get?

 

[Elijya]

oop, shoulda kept the first one up. Fixed now

 

[Anubis]

Let me guess, his cat wants to f**k him.....I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

[SonOfCthulhu]

Let me guess, his cat wants to f**k him.....I don't see anything wrong with that.

Yup. I'll put up the second half directly.

With the amazing amounts of Ninja Turtles/Blackbelt Hamsters/Fish Police/etc it was only a matter of time until someone got around to a bestiality comic. Sadly this was it. Or at least one of them.

Thanks Elijya for posting that too. I've never known a board that could get stuff back. Pretty sweet mod abilities.

 

[Anubis]

I don't think it counts as bestiality once the animal morphs into some kinda were cat. It's more of a furrie fantasy than anything. Trust me, Anubis knows his depravity, and that's not that bad.

 

[SonOfCthulhu]

Reality Check!, Part II:

Next Collin wakes up his friend next door to borrow his extra helmet, races back and proceeds to plug himself into the cat’s dream. And what does he find?

That’s right! An anthropomorphic decidedly female human/cat hybrid.

See where this is going and why it makes me uncomfortable? I do not want to read a story about a guy’s lust for his pet. And it appears to get worse…

Luckily that was the end of the issue. Collin leaves the TVR and goes to school. The end. Except this is a continuing story. And I’m really afraid Collin is going to end up doing something that neither PETA, his local vet nor I can condone…

 

[Anubis]

The only place it's illegal, on the books that is, is in Utah.

 

[SonOfCthulhu]

Damn those Mormons!

 

[SonOfCthulhu]

The Outsiders #1​

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“Voted worst dressed superhero team five years in a row!”

I have a lot of love for Jim Aparo. He drew the character Batman for almost 30 years in books like The Brave and The Bold, Batman and the Outsiders, Batman and Detective comics. All that Batman while continuing to handle tons of side projects. For a generation of Bat-fans, Aparo’s art was the standard by which other Bat-artists were measured. I take my hat off to any artist who can provide enjoyable comic art to readers at a rate that allows books to ship ontime. I wish more artists were like Jim Aparo.

So it is with great reluctance that I make fun of Aparo and writer Mike Barr’s Batman-less prestige format The Outsiders. But make fun of it I do.

It’s the outfits, folks. I’m thinking that it’s impossible to find a more heinous grouping of fashion mistakes joining up for one superhero team. And that includes Rob Liefeld’s Pouch Force, who’s outfits completely cover the wearers in pouches from head to foot.

Let’s start with the new team leader GeoForce:

So GeoForce has all the powers of planet Earth itself, from scorching lava beams to gravity based powers allowing for flight. He’s also super strong, like a big pile of rocks. Yet his costume doesn’t rock at all. It’s a pansy-ish green and yellow mess with a huge GF in the middle. Since he’s a lesser known character, there’s a whole list of things we could confuse those letters with:

• Girl Friend
• Godless ***
• Gay Fruit
• Great Freak

It’s not a wise color scheme or costume design to use for an unknown character.

Next up is the team’s energy projector: Black Lightning.

He’s a cool character but his outfit screams Saturday Night Fever reject. Look at those giant wide collars. And what’s with his shirt front being cut down to his navel. If he’s going to do that, might as well put on some Hammer pants and some Bling.

To finish up the males in our cast we have Metamorpho.

Again another great character who chooses to look as goofy as possible. Metamorpo can change into any element in the world, yet while superheroing he makes his body look like a badly made puzzle. One leg is mud, one leg is steel, half his upper body and one arm is fish scales (fish scales is an element?), the other half body and arm is dirt while his face and head are white rock. Yay, I want to be a superhero so I can dress like grandma’s quilt. At least he covers himself with a pair of black shorts.

 

[SonOfCthulhu]

To start off the women of the Outsiders, we begin with Halo:

Halo’s a teen. Which explains those streaks of red and blue to the side of her head. Teen girls are constantly screwing with their hair color. In fact, the hair color argument goes along way to explaining the rest of her costume too. Allowing your head to marinade in those chemical dyes for so long is bound to make you think a black unitard with some goofy swirl pattern is the best costume to fight crime in. Mystery of crappy costume origin solved. So maybe she has an excuse for looking like a bad yard flag.

Looker. Heh, I’m saving her costume review for issue 2. It may take several paragraphs to dissect. Here’s a quick look at Looker:

Last in line is Katana, the resident hot ninja chick:

Katana’s costume actually kicks butt. I’m not sure why she’s hooked up with these fashion losers. She’s JLA worthy in this getup.

So with the important stuff out of the way, let’s get down to the storyline in issue one. The Outsiders have split from Batman and are making a go of it with new member Looker. Their first task is to defend a nuclear power plant from a terrorist attack. Sounds like a good start for a team book. Then they show the terrorist’s agents that are going to destroy the plant.

The object here must be to come up with villains who’s outfits are dorkier than the Outsiders. I must say that they success brilliantly here. I would never have thought to model a villain after J. R. “Bob” Dobbs from the Church of the SubGenius. Nor one that looks like June Cleaver, complete with half the cast of the Brady Bunch. Devilishly clever guys. After they blow up the reactor, they are going to slack off and bake cookies.

 

[SonOfCthulhu]

Nuclear Family is lead by this wrinkled face old man who lost his own family by lethal dose nuclear radiation. Appears he’s dying of it too. Yet he still has time to plot out how to attack a nuclear power plant to kill a bunch of people and show them how horrible it is to use nuclear power. The safe kind that doesn’t kill anyone. Oh, and he’s hooked up with an environmentalist that doesn’t know he plans on killing anyone, she just thinks they are going to take over the plant in protest.

The day the plant opens, The Outsiders are…outside it. Maybe it’s just what they do? Anyway, suddenly ninjas attack. I’m serious too.

Metamorpho takes a couple down by turning to a giant tar baby, proving that Song of the South should be let out of the Disney vault as it has redeeming educational value. One of the ninjas get a shot off, leading to…

So they are quite probably the worst ninjas in the world. So what? You try to find good ninja terrorists to take the fall for you on an environmentalist’s paycheck and see what you come up with. And don’t start about all the money I spent on those Sheryl Crow CDs. She’s against greenhouse gasses so they don’t count as personal purchases! It’s total work related. Even Tuesday Night Music Club.

All of this ninja fighting leaves the Nuclear Family free to break in and sabotage the plant. Before anything too drastic happens, The Outsiders rush inside and Halo knocks them all unconscious. Dr. Jace, the team’s friendly neighborhood scientist determines that the Nuclear Family are actually robots, but are too sophisticated for her to tamper with or add a tracer device. At this point, Looker has an idea!

I do too, honey. Stop getting your makeup advice from Tammy Faye-Baker. Put down the eyeliner and step away from the mirror. Shesh!

Looker’s idea is to substitute herself for Mamma Nuclear and allow the team to follow her back to their hideout. The team agrees and away she goes.

Her plan doesn’t go so well, as prune-face finds out she’s not a robot when she gasps upon learning of his plan to nuke LA using the Family. Score one for Looker! Our environmentalist isn’t to keen on the idea either. The issue ends with Looker in the villian’s wrinkled clutches.