Write A Movie Summary Referring to Everyone As Their Other Characters

[Schlosser85]

Just a silly game me and one of my cinephile friends like to play, but @DarthSkywalker told me to make it a thread, so blame him.

For example:

In the Heart of the Sea

Spider-Man, Thor, Abraham Lincoln (the one who married Huntress and hunted vampires with Howard Stark, not the one who married Forrest Gump’s mom), Scarecrow, and Teenage Tom Riddle go whaling.....it goes about as well as you’d expect. And then Peter Parker grows up to be Professor Moody, marries Catelyn Stark, and sits down for an interview with Q for....MI6 historical archives, I guess?

 

[DarthSkywalker]

I will take the blame.

Okay I am going to do this, without the title. I am sure it will be easy to guess but why not?

At Harold Zidler's request, Eric Northman and his wife Harley Quinn travel to Africa to secure British interest there. When Harley is kidnapped by Hans Landa, Eric must team with Nick Fury to get her back. This is complicated further however when Korath the Pursuer pursues his revenge against the Northman.

 

[Schlosser85]

I will take the blame.

Okay I am going to do this, without the title. I am sure it will be easy to guess but why not?

At Harold Zidler's request, Eric Northman and his wife Harley Quinn travel to Africa to secure British interest there. When Harley is kidnapped by Hans Landa, Eric must team with Nick Fury to get her back. This is complicated further however when Korath the Pursuer pursues his revenge against the Northman.

Took me a second . I agree it’s more fun without the titles though.

Ra’s Al Ghul hires Jack Dawson and his trusty right hand man Tommy Solomon to perform an act of unconventional corporate espionage on Dr. Jonathan Crane who is about to inherit the business empire of his father Roland Tembo. To this end, Jack assembles a team including Kitty Pryde, Bane, and a scientist involved in the Avatar program, but a vengeful Edith Piaf threatens to derail the whole operation.

Oh and Alfred Pennyworth is Jack’s father in law.

 

[Drizzle]

After a severe dust storm, astronaut Jason Bourne is stranded on Mars. He is presumed dead until Baron Mordo, Ned Stark, Harry Dunne, Wong, Lando Calrissian, and Dooneese from NASA discover that he's alive by seeing signs that Bourne has left for them. Bourne's crew consisting of Commander Beverly Marsh, Major Luis, Dr. Bucky Barnes, and Susan Storm attempt a daring mission to rescue him.

 

[Schlosser85]

When Captain von Trapp is found dead after his birthday party, 007 must get to the bottom of the case and whittle down the list of suspects, including Laurie Strode, Sonny Crockett, Captain America, General Zod, and Bill Denbrough...

 

[Schlosser85]

Gordon Gekko hires Aragorn to kill Pepper Potts, but Detective Hercule Poirot is on the case!

 

[Schlosser85]

After helping lead Scottish forces to victory over John Drake with the help of Professor Moody, Martin Riggs settles down and starts a family in South Carolina. But there's no rest for the weary, when Riggs' peaceful family life is shattered by the evil Lucius Malfoy, sadistic henchman of Carmine Falcone. A grief-stricken Riggs goes back on the warpath with the help of The Joker.

 

[Deck Rickard]

Bloodnofsky frees Mother****er Jones from the clutches of slavery and the two of them team up to free Alicia Masters from the vicious Arnie Grape and his manservant, Mister Senor Love Daddy.


Obscure references FTW!

 

[CaptainWagner]

My personal favorite example of this will always be a TV series:

Ben Linus hires Jesus Christ to stop crimes before they happen. Since he is Jesus, he always shoots the bad guys in their kneecaps. But they'll need new allies if they hope to defeat their greatest foe yet, Veronica Mars' dad.

 

[Schlosser85]

After ending her toxic relationship with the lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars, Tonya Harding tries to strike out on her own, but gets mixed up with Obi-Wan Kenobi who's chasing a teen pickpocket who's swallowed a precious diamond (maybe he needs it to power his lightsaber).

 

[Dark Raven]

Steve Trevor is a drifter with no purpose ever since Thor died, but Lawrence Robertson encourages him to enrol at a special academy to tap into his potential. Steve Trevor meets Judge Dredd there and eventually both manage to get a posting to Robertson's ship - "The Floating Cigar with a Saucer" where characters such as Harold Lee and Clumsy Smurf are serving.

Dastardly villain Shrek Hulk is threatening The Floating Cigar with a Saucer, so Robertson surrenders himself to save the ship, leaving it in the capable hands of first mate Sylar who is also dating Nina Simone. At the same time, Shrek Hulk is threatening Sylar's home with a massive DIY appliance, so Steve Trevor, Harold Lee and Lt Commander Groves perform a sky dive, but Groves is killed after being too cocky. Steve and Harold manage to disable the drill but Shrek Hulk still manages to launch a giant version of a red ball that was found in the series Alias that sadly destroys Sylar's home. Although Lydia Deetz is killed, Harold Abrams (not to be confused with Harold Lee) manages to survive.

Grief-stricken, Sylar has just about had enough of Steve Trevor and his antics. So after a bout of mutiny from Trevor (probably influenced by pirate Lt Commander Groves), Sylar maroons him at the winter version of Arendelle. There Steve meets master of disguise The Great Paris who encourages him to find a way to work together with Sylar.

With the help of Benji Dunn whom Trevor meets at Arendelle, they manage to work their way back to The Floating Cigar with a Saucer. After Steve Trevor goads Sylar into attacking him, he manages to take command of the ship. Then later on Steve and Sylar are able to infiltrate Shrek Hulk's ship, kill the CGI monstrosity and rescue Lawrence Robertson. Steve Trevor is promoted to captain for his heroics while Lawrence Robertson is made a rear admiral.

 

[Ninjablade]

After taking over editorial duties at a big newspaper, Sabertooth tasks Batman's special division of reporters - compromised of The Hulk, Regina George, and Andy Baker - to expose Catholic priests' sexual abuse of children in Massachusetts.

 

[Schlosser85]

Magneto recruits Dr. John Watson to serve as a guide for Francis Dolarhyde who’s trying to get his property back from Stephen Strange. Along the way he meets Queen Elizabeth, Red Skull, and Count Dooku, and steals a piece of jewelry from Supreme Leader Snoke.

Sixty years later, Magneto and Red Skull make Watson’s nephew Leo Beiderman go throw the stolen jewelry away. To make sure he does it, they hook him up with Tony Vallelonga, Will Turner, Mikey Walsh, Ned Stark, Charlie Pace, Noel Coward, and Han Solo’s friend Sallah, occasionally with assistance from Betty Ross and Queen Elizabeth. Things get more complicated, especially when Dooku sends his forces after them and Snoke starts following them around.

 

[Schlosser85]

Wolverine and Batman are frenemies who both want to show they’re the best, but when Batman accidentally kills CIA Agent Annie Walker, Wolverine has a vendetta against him. He even sends Black Widow to spy on him, but she ends up sleeping with him, even though he’s married to Maya Hansen who banged Sherlock Holmes that one time. Wolverine goes to see the Goblin King Jareth and his assistant Gollum thinking Batman is using his magic, but Jareth doesn’t know him.

They’re all still friends with Alfred, though.

 

[Schlosser85]

Alfred Pennyworth runs a secret society of British super spies including King George VI (the one who was married to Bellatrix Lestrange and took speech lessons from Captain Barbossa, not the parallel universe one who appointed Sirius Black the prime minister even though at first he wanted it to be Stannis Baratheon....but I digress).

King George VI loses a comrade in Iraq, but the lost comrade leaves behind a young boy.....and that boy grows up to be Elton John.

When Elton is a young man, His Majesty steps in and trains him with Sinestro (uh oh) and eventually they go on a mission to thwart Nick Fury from causing mass genocide (wow, no wonder The Human Torch thought SHIELD was shady, and that was even before he found out what The Sundance Kid was doing to Tonya Harding’s husband).

 

[DarthSkywalker]

I am loving these all so far. Also I have to admit a couple took me a minute to two.

After the death of their father, Gabriel Van Helsing and Ray Donovan travel the world, looking for their place in it. They find it with group that includes Poseidon, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Tadashi Hamada, and Pikachu. After a falling out, Gabe starts a relationship with Dejah Thoris. Everything is going well until Poseidon reaches out for Gabe's help and tragedy strikes. In pursuit of vengeance, Gabe teams up with John Carter and eventually reunites with Ray to take on Poseidon and Pikachu.

Oh and after way too much plastic surgery, the one and only Poop himself shows up to help a bunch of gifted orphans in need.

 

[Deck Rickard]

Already posted this in another thread a little while back, but what the hell:

During the Iraq War, Beast, Superman, the Shocker, Chibs Telford and Chad Radwell are sent to help President Obama defend Baqubah and repair a water pump.

 

[Schlosser85]

So Sam Witwicky gets tired of waiting for OPTIMUS!!!! to come back and help fight The Red Skull again, so he ****s off to Virginia to make moonshine with Bane, John Connor 5.0 (?), and his bestie Valerian. Well, everything is going fairly smoothly for a while; no one really knows what the hell Bane is saying most of the time, but everyone is being fairly chill, just getting drunk and bro-ing it up, and Sam and Valerian probably celebrate each other's strength at least once or twice out in the woods after a few jars of moonshine. But not on camera.

Bane hires Molly Bloom to help out around the place (I guess she really fell on hard times after her poker empire got shut down by Totally Not Tobey Maguire), except she's totally thirsty af and totally wants Bane to break her like Batman. And Sam is chasing after Alice Not In Wonderland and hero worshiping Commissioner Gordon after seeing him riddle some fools in the middle of town, because Gordon's hardcore like that.

But then one day, the **** hits the fan, because The Real Mandarin™ rolls up and is all like "sup *****es, I AM THE MANDARIN, *****es better have my money".

To which Bane says....well, no one is totally sure what Bane says, but it's probably something to the effect of

Because suddenly all hell is breaking loose, and people are getting shot and stabbed and beat up and throats slit and castrated and tarred and feathered, and it's a whole thing.

The Real Mandarin™ rolls up on Sam and Valerian, and Sam totally catches them hands, but The Real Mandarin™ sub-contracts Bane out to a couple rent-a-goons, because not even the realest of Mandarins **** with Bane.

Bane gets turned into Nearly Headless Nick, except he's Bane and he IS the League of Shadows, so he just walks it off. Literally. Then he just swags on over to Molly and is like "I will break you", and Molly is like "ugh, yes Daddy", and then he triggers her detonator. If ya know what I mean.

(during the lovemaking, Bane may or may not accidentally call her Talia, but nobody ever really knows what Bane is saying anyway, so it all works out ok)

Meanwhile, Sam finally gets Alice Not In Wonderland to go out for a ride with him, but before he can get down that rabbit hole, A WILD MANDARIN APPEARS!

He employs KILL THE HERO'S BEST FRIEND, and BLOW UP DISTILLERY!

It is SUPER EFFECTIVE!

Except now errrrreybody all riled up, and everybody's getting real sick of his crap. They're mad as hell and they're not gonna take it anymore. Transformers, resistance soldiers, League of Shadows ninjas, all coming outta the woodwork. People got 99 problems and they're all The Real Mandarin™.

But The Real Mandarin™ is not one to throw in the towel so easily. He takes a stand and is all "come at me bro".

Except this time Sam finally caps his ass. And then John Connor 5.0 shanks his ass. And then his ass ded.

And everyone else lives happily ever after, and Sam marries Alice, and Bane marries Molly, and John Connor 5.0 marries....someone. The movie doesn't really bother to tell us, probably because it knows no one cares about this version of John Connor anyway.

And then Bane falls in a frozen lake and dies. Hooray!

THE END

 

[Ninjablade]

Oh and after way too much plastic surgery, the one and only Poop himself shows up to help a bunch of gifted orphans in need.

I laughed at this way harder than I should've

After Lisabeth Salander breaks up with him, Lex Luthor decides to get revenge by creating a new website so he can insult her. This attracts the attention of twin brothers, The Lone Ranger and almost-Batman, as well as their partner Richie Castellano, who invite Luthor to work with them. Instead Luthor takes the idea and enlists his friend Hipster Spider-Man to fund it, thus the two create "TheRussianAdMachine". It becomes very popular amongst anti-vaxer moms with nothing better to do, leading to The Lone Ranger and almost-Batman to suing Luthor for intellectual property theft.

While this is all going on, Luthor decides he needs more investors. He ends up meeting Boo-Boo Bear, who Hipster Spider-Man despises. Boo-Boo Bear and his drug problem lead to the most important change in the website, dropping "The" from the name, leaving the ever so simple "RussianAdMachine". Hipster Spider-Man doesn't like this and freezes one of the accounts, leading to Luthor to bring in other investors. This dilutes Hipster Spider-Man's ownership to basically nothing which enrages him. Especially since his Prada is at the cleaners with his '**** you' flip flops. He ends up suing Luthor too. Hipster Spider-Man does get some vindication as Boo-Boo gets arrested for his cocaine addiction.

In the end Luthor realizes he has no friends left and tries to each out to Salander again.

 

[DarthSkywalker]

So Sam Witwicky gets tired of waiting for OPTIMUS!!!! to come back and help fight The Red Skull again, so he ****s off to Virginia to make moonshine with Bane, John Connor 5.0 (?), and his bestie Valerian. Well, everything is going fairly smoothly for a while; no one really knows what the hell Bane is saying most of the time, but everyone is being fairly chill, just getting drunk and bro-ing it up, and Sam and Valerian probably celebrate each other's strength at least once or twice out in the woods after a few jars of moonshine. But not on camera.

Bane hires Molly Bloom to help out around the place (I guess she really fell on hard times after her poker empire got shut down by Totally Not Tobey Maguire), except she's totally thirsty af and totally wants Bane to break her like Batman. And Sam is chasing after Alice Not In Wonderland and hero worshiping Commissioner Gordon after seeing him riddle some fools in the middle of town, because Gordon's hardcore like that.

But then one day, the **** hits the fan, because The Real Mandarin™ rolls up and is all like "sup *****es, I AM THE MANDARIN, *****es better have my money".

To which Bane says....well, no one is totally sure what Bane says, but it's probably something to the effect of

Because suddenly all hell is breaking loose, and people are getting shot and stabbed and beat up and throats slit and castrated and tarred and feathered, and it's a whole thing.

The Real Mandarin™ rolls up on Sam and Valerian, and Sam totally catches them hands, but The Real Mandarin™ sub-contracts Bane out to a couple rent-a-goons, because not even the realest of Mandarins **** with Bane.

Bane gets turned into Nearly Headless Nick, except he's Bane and he IS the League of Shadows, so he just walks it off. Literally. Then he just swags on over to Molly and is like "I will break you", and Molly is like "ugh, yes Daddy", and then he triggers her detonator. If ya know what I mean.

(during the lovemaking, Bane may or may not accidentally call her Talia, but nobody ever really knows what Bane is saying anyway, so it all works out ok)

Meanwhile, Sam finally gets Alice Not In Wonderland to go out for a ride with him, but before he can get down that rabbit hole, A WILD MANDARIN APPEARS!

He employs KILL THE HERO'S BEST FRIEND, and BLOW UP DISTILLERY!

It is SUPER EFFECTIVE!

Except now errrrreybody all riled up, and everybody's getting real sick of his crap. They're mad as hell and they're not gonna take it anymore. Transformers, resistance soldiers, League of Shadows ninjas, all coming outta the woodwork. People got 99 problems and they're all The Real Mandarin™.

But The Real Mandarin™ is not one to throw in the towel so easily. He takes a stand and is all "come at me bro".

Except this time Sam finally caps his ass. And then John Connor 5.0 shanks his ass. And then his ass ded.

And everyone else lives happily ever after, and Sam marries Alice, and Bane marries Molly, and John Connor 5.0 marries....someone. The movie doesn't really bother to tell us, probably because it knows no one cares about this version of John Connor anyway.

And then Bane falls in a frozen lake and dies. Hooray!

THE END

The reoccurring John Connor thing is probably making me laugh way more then it should, but I love it.

Also The Real Mandarin being trademarked.

 

[Deck Rickard]

So Sam Witwicky gets tired of waiting for OPTIMUS!!!! to come back and help fight The Red Skull again, so he ****s off to Virginia to make moonshine with Bane, John Connor 5.0 (?), and his bestie Valerian. Well, everything is going fairly smoothly for a while; no one really knows what the hell Bane is saying most of the time, but everyone is being fairly chill, just getting drunk and bro-ing it up, and Sam and Valerian probably celebrate each other's strength at least once or twice out in the woods after a few jars of moonshine. But not on camera.

Bane hires Molly Bloom to help out around the place (I guess she really fell on hard times after her poker empire got shut down by Totally Not Tobey Maguire), except she's totally thirsty af and totally wants Bane to break her like Batman. And Sam is chasing after Alice Not In Wonderland and hero worshiping Commissioner Gordon after seeing him riddle some fools in the middle of town, because Gordon's hardcore like that.

But then one day, the **** hits the fan, because The Real Mandarin™ rolls up and is all like "sup *****es, I AM THE MANDARIN, *****es better have my money".

To which Bane says....well, no one is totally sure what Bane says, but it's probably something to the effect of

Because suddenly all hell is breaking loose, and people are getting shot and stabbed and beat up and throats slit and castrated and tarred and feathered, and it's a whole thing.

The Real Mandarin™ rolls up on Sam and Valerian, and Sam totally catches them hands, but The Real Mandarin™ sub-contracts Bane out to a couple rent-a-goons, because not even the realest of Mandarins **** with Bane.

Bane gets turned into Nearly Headless Nick, except he's Bane and he IS the League of Shadows, so he just walks it off. Literally. Then he just swags on over to Molly and is like "I will break you", and Molly is like "ugh, yes Daddy", and then he triggers her detonator. If ya know what I mean.

(during the lovemaking, Bane may or may not accidentally call her Talia, but nobody ever really knows what Bane is saying anyway, so it all works out ok)

Meanwhile, Sam finally gets Alice Not In Wonderland to go out for a ride with him, but before he can get down that rabbit hole, A WILD MANDARIN APPEARS!

He employs KILL THE HERO'S BEST FRIEND, and BLOW UP DISTILLERY!

It is SUPER EFFECTIVE!

Except now errrrreybody all riled up, and everybody's getting real sick of his crap. They're mad as hell and they're not gonna take it anymore. Transformers, resistance soldiers, League of Shadows ninjas, all coming outta the woodwork. People got 99 problems and they're all The Real Mandarin™.

But The Real Mandarin™ is not one to throw in the towel so easily. He takes a stand and is all "come at me bro".

Except this time Sam finally caps his ass. And then John Connor 5.0 shanks his ass. And then his ass ded.

And everyone else lives happily ever after, and Sam marries Alice, and Bane marries Molly, and John Connor 5.0 marries....someone. The movie doesn't really bother to tell us, probably because it knows no one cares about this version of John Connor anyway.

And then Bane falls in a frozen lake and dies. Hooray!

THE END

Post of the year.

 

[Schlosser85]

Carmine Falcone contracts Jim Morrison of The Doors to oversee construction of a bridge across the Kenya-Uganda river. Why a rock star, and not, say, Bruce Wayne, you might ask? Because The Roman's judgment is clearly slipping. This is why he's going down as soon as Patrick Bateman rolls up in town.

Anyway, Jim Morrison helpfully has King T'Chaka of Wakanda as his faithful Token Black Sidekick (this was in the dark days before Wakanda asserted itself to the world), and Nineties Pseudo-Pippin, and King Theoden of Rohan, who is not fond of Pseudo-Pippin, maybe waiting for the real thing.

Despite Jim Morrison's notorious drug and alcohol binges (well actually, he doesn't seem to be having any at this point in his life), the construction project gets up and running. But then two lions decide a big bridge project is an all you can eat buffet and start chowing down on the workers.

Falcone is saying "wtf". Jim Morrison sits up in a treetop vigil all night, to no avail. He hires some mercenaries, to no avail. He (probably) writes a mournful rock ballad about the whole affair. All to no avail. Now Falcone is really saying "WTF", and Morrison's job is on the line.

Falcone hires Dr. Hank Pym to straighten this situation out. It doesn't start out well. Pseudo-Pippin gets eaten, thus clearing the path for the One True Pippin's ascendancy. Hank and Jim set a trap, but the lions go somewhere else, massacring a bunch of people and slaying King Theoden. Hank and Jim go out in the jungle with a bunch of natives, and after a lot of bumbling around, they finally manage to shoot a lion.

Everyone gets drunk and forgets there were two lions. "There's two bloodthirsty man-eating lions out there, but we killed one of them....huzzah!". Sometime in the night Hank gets dragged out of his tent and eaten in his sleep. Alcohol kills.

Jim Morrison goes on a three-day bender (probably) during which he accidentally sets the whole brush ablaze. Everyone says "**** this ****". Everyone abandons Jim Morrison except King T'Chaka. Because Wakanda Forever.

The last lion tries to kill Jim. Despite being too blitzed to remember his own name, Jim guns it down. Hooray for Jim. Everyone comes back, the bridge is finished, and a pissed-off Carmine Falcone probably almost definitely didn't have anything to do with Jim Morrison's death some time later. Maybe.

 

[Asr]

Jor-El makes it his personal mission to find and kill the Joker to avenge the murders of his wife and son. At one point, the Joker, being the sadistic villain that he is, threatens Hippolyta with death or a sexual relationship to bear him a son.

 

[Asr]

Jesus manipulates & fights his mortal enemy Aldrich Killian to the death, to exact his revenge and protect the lives of his wife and son, who would grow up to become Superman.

 

[Asr]

Batman puts the moves on Aquaman's mom and smiles after kissing her.