Cho Chang
Civilian
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2003
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Saturday, July 08, 2006
Deathanol Gets Hummers From the Women of Baghdad (War's never been so sexy)
How many dead Iraqis does it take to fill a Baghdad morgue? I don't know. Lots I would imagine. And they're all full. According to a report out of Baghdad by the associated press, the capital city's morgues are having a very difficult time keeping up with the bodies being dumped on their doorsteps. As a result hundreds of dead men, women and children are being forced to spend their nights in economy class, room temperature, single bedroom cadaver keepers because all of the luxury freezer suites are taken. I suppose the Baghdad morgues have a first come, first served policy. Either that or the invading forces are simply killing too many people at too quick a pace. Meanwhile, the Rencor group, creator of the Hummer and chief supplier to the U.S. military machine (not to mention one of the planet's foremost war profiteers)is planning to renew their contract. So I've devised a way for Baghdad and Rencor to work together and kill 12,000 Iraqis or two birds (the avian equivalent by war hawk mentality) with one stone. Hummers for everyone.
Dear Rencor Inc.,
On the eve of your contract renewal with the U.S. military we felt it necessary to contact you regarding an exciting, new, all-natural fuel source just recently developed here at Muerte Labs in Mexico City. Last week we were succesfully able to create and patent the very first motor vehicle engine that runs solely on dead bodies. Tested on our sport utility model, the El Cadavra, we discovered that our engine can power a vehicle the size and weight of your military class Humvee for up to twenty-four hours on a single, adult human body. The fuel source, codenamed Deathanol, is a cheap, easy alternative to conventional gasoline and diesel fuel. What's more is that vehicles running on Deathanol emit little more than a foul odour (enviromentalists will love it). With Deathanol fuel your military vehicles will be able to run efficiently at an astounding 50 miles to the pound. Meaning that an average adult leg from hip to toe, or a six year old child, could power a trek across Baghdad four times over. It's cheap, clean, easy to use and best of all, it's infinite. Unlike oil-based fuel sources, finite in nature, Deathanol will never run out, especially during war time. No more having to stop at those pesky gas pumps to fill up when you're cruising in style with a Deathanol powered Humvee. Simply pull over, execute a family and then...roadtrip, baby (no pun intended)! We're very excited to offer these engines to you at Rencor for use in your military vehicles for a reasonable price and we'll be looking forward to hearing from you.
Kevin N. Burke
Senior Sales Manager,
Muerte Labratories Incorporated
Deathanol Gets Hummers From the Women of Baghdad (War's never been so sexy)
How many dead Iraqis does it take to fill a Baghdad morgue? I don't know. Lots I would imagine. And they're all full. According to a report out of Baghdad by the associated press, the capital city's morgues are having a very difficult time keeping up with the bodies being dumped on their doorsteps. As a result hundreds of dead men, women and children are being forced to spend their nights in economy class, room temperature, single bedroom cadaver keepers because all of the luxury freezer suites are taken. I suppose the Baghdad morgues have a first come, first served policy. Either that or the invading forces are simply killing too many people at too quick a pace. Meanwhile, the Rencor group, creator of the Hummer and chief supplier to the U.S. military machine (not to mention one of the planet's foremost war profiteers)is planning to renew their contract. So I've devised a way for Baghdad and Rencor to work together and kill 12,000 Iraqis or two birds (the avian equivalent by war hawk mentality) with one stone. Hummers for everyone.
Dear Rencor Inc.,
On the eve of your contract renewal with the U.S. military we felt it necessary to contact you regarding an exciting, new, all-natural fuel source just recently developed here at Muerte Labs in Mexico City. Last week we were succesfully able to create and patent the very first motor vehicle engine that runs solely on dead bodies. Tested on our sport utility model, the El Cadavra, we discovered that our engine can power a vehicle the size and weight of your military class Humvee for up to twenty-four hours on a single, adult human body. The fuel source, codenamed Deathanol, is a cheap, easy alternative to conventional gasoline and diesel fuel. What's more is that vehicles running on Deathanol emit little more than a foul odour (enviromentalists will love it). With Deathanol fuel your military vehicles will be able to run efficiently at an astounding 50 miles to the pound. Meaning that an average adult leg from hip to toe, or a six year old child, could power a trek across Baghdad four times over. It's cheap, clean, easy to use and best of all, it's infinite. Unlike oil-based fuel sources, finite in nature, Deathanol will never run out, especially during war time. No more having to stop at those pesky gas pumps to fill up when you're cruising in style with a Deathanol powered Humvee. Simply pull over, execute a family and then...roadtrip, baby (no pun intended)! We're very excited to offer these engines to you at Rencor for use in your military vehicles for a reasonable price and we'll be looking forward to hearing from you.
Kevin N. Burke
Senior Sales Manager,
Muerte Labratories Incorporated
