FOX: Hi, fans. We're basically going to lie the **** out of ourselves and say this film came from the same forces that brought you X-Men, which is laughably untrue. AUDIENCE: Wait, if you're going to sell us a movie by saying that it's connected to X-Men, why not just make a movie connected to X-Men instead of a spin-off of a piece of **** dud that nobody say? FOX: Because we hate you. We thought you'd figure it out once you heard about our Fantastic Four movie/ * GENERAL ZOD: Okay, time for a big wad of exposition. There's this McGuffin... err, Treasure. And both the bad guys, the Hand (which should totally not remind you of the Foot from Teenage Mutant Ninjas Turtles), and the good guys, who are represented by an old blind guy who hustles people in a bar, want it, because it can end the war. This will make NO ****ING SENSE later on. * JASON ISAACS: You'd be embarrassed for me if I didn't already do cameos in Paul Anderson movies. But anyway, Elektra's been stalking me. This is completely sadistic, since the audience has no idea what I've done wrong. Am I a Nazi or a child molester or something? MERCENARY: Don't worry, Jason Isaacs, I'll protect you! The Mercenary and his men totally fail to protect Jason Isaacs. At one point, Elektra offers to let the Mercenary live. This will be important later on. ELEKTRA: Pwned! Now I will establish that I like to whisper in my victim's ears before I kill them. This will never happen again. Oh, and I can teleport or some **** because I'm a ninja. Bamf! * McCABE: I'm the odious comic relief. Despite being a man who ruthlessly makes a living off of contract killings, I'm apparently a really nice guy. I think I'm in love with you or something. No, that would make too much sense. I'm just really nice. Nice! ELEKTRA: That's cool. Also, I'm obsessive-compulsive. This has no bearing on the story whatsoever and is a shameless way to get across that I have issues. McCABE: It's also insulting to real OCD sufferers. ELEKTRA: Yeah, that too. McCABE: I'm going to flat-out say that you shouldn't have been so violent, even though you gave the Mercenary guy an opportunity to surrender and dispatched him nonlethally. AUDIENCE: Wait, so is Elektra supposed to be a ruthless bastard that redeems herself or someone we sympathize with? Because you can't have it both ways. ROB BOWMAN: Ummm... look over there! * McCABE: Before you go on vacation, would you like to take One Last Job? ELEKTRA: What? That old cliché is still in effect? I thought it died out with the dinosaurs. McCABE: Whatever. Go wait on this island until we tell you who to kill. ELEKTRA: Wait, I don't even know who the target's supposed to be? That's ridiculous. Why would I ever take this job? McCABE: Because we won't have a plot twist if you don't. * ELEKTRA: So now I'm on an island. Hmm, this would be a good time to dump a wad of exposition on the audience about how I came back to life, instead of developing it slowly, tantalizing hint after tantalizing hint. * GENERAL ZOD: Back to life! Woot! ELEKTRA: Oh ****, I've been resurrected in a Hollywood movie! That can only mean... I'm a Christ figure! GENERAL ZOD: Relax. It's not that bad. * ELEKTRA: So after I was miraculously resurrected in a one-in-a-million lucky shot, instead of getting back together with my One True Love, I decided to train to be an even better ninja, even though that's what got me killed last time? GENERAL ZOD: Yup. ELEKTRA: And once you kicked me out, I STILL didn't go back to OTL, but decided to become an assassin for hire? GENERAL ZOD: Pretty much. ELEKTRA: That makes no sense. GENERAL ZOD: It does if you consider that your One True Love is Ben Affleck. ELEKTRA: Hmmm... have sex with Ben Affleck or make a living killing people? There really isn't a choice, is there? * ABBY: Hi, I'm a little brat who breaks into other people's houses and steals things. ELEKTRA: And why shouldn't the audience hate your guts? ABBY: Because my mom died! Thus, because I suffered a personal tragedy, I bear no responsibility for my own actions! ELEKTRA: The sad thing is, many people actually feel this way in real life. ABBY: I like to call them gullible idiots. And steal their wallets. Teehee! * SHANG TSUNG: I am evir Asian! I want to take over the wowrd! KIRIGI: I'm your son and I want to be in command! SHANG TSUNG: Does this subprot go anywhere? KIRIGI: No, not really. By the way, isn't it odd how we're easily defeated by Westerners at ninjitsu, even our best agents, who are also Westerners? SHANG TSUNG: Yeah, that's pretty ****ed up. * ABBY: Will you come over for dinner and be my new mommy? ELEKTRA: Yes to the first part, no to the second part. ABBY: Give me time. I'll grow on you like a wart. * MARK: Hello, I am very pretty. ELEKTRA: I am also very pretty. MARK: That's the basis for our entire romantic relationship? ELEKTRA: Pretty much, yeah. * ELEKTRA: Gasp! When they sent me to an island to kill people, my targets turned out to be the only other people on the island! It's a plot twist... that the audience saw coming twenty minutes ago. AUDIENCE: We have seen a movie before, you know. * MARK: Damn, why would anyone want to kill a nice guy like me, Mark Miller? ELEKTRA: Stop, stop. This joke is too obvious. I mean, we are going to make fun of Mark Millar, right? MARK: Yeah, that's where we're headed. ELEKTRA: Nah, let's just move on. MARK: Well, my last name is actually a homage to Frank Miller. Why would anyone want to kill Frank Miller? ELEKTRA: Duh. Dark Knight Strikes Again. * ELEKTRA: I kill you... with my Ultra High-Tech Super Happy Fun Bow And Arrow(tm)! MARK: Why don't you just use a gun? ELEKTRA: Because I'm a ninja. MARK: So why use the high-tech bow and arrow? Why not just a regular one? ELEKTRA: ...because I'm a ninja? * ELEKTRA: Damn! I cannot bring myself to kill a child! Instead, I must work to protect the child and father from... The Replacement Killers. CHOW YUN-FAT: Oh, you ****ing *****. * KIRIGI: So, a father and son supervillain duo? Why does this seem familiar? SHANG TSUNG: Sh! KIRIGI: But... SHANG TSUNG: Sh! KIRIGI: I'm... SHANG TSUNG: Sh! KIRIGI: All I'm say... SHANG TSUNG: Sh! KIRIGI: They're gonna get a... SHANG TSUNG: Sh! KIRIGI: I'm... SHANG TSUNG: Sh! KIRIGI: I'm just... SHANG TSUNG: Sh! KIRIGI: Would... SHANG TSUNG: Sh!... Knock-knock. KIRIGI: Who's there? SHANG TSUNG: Sh! KIRIGI: But... SHANG TSUNG: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it. * LEX LUTHOR: Hey dad, come check out this wacky movie on Cinemax. LIONEL: I thought we didn't get Cinemax. LEX: I upgraded to the premium package. LIONEL: Lex, do you think money grows on trees? * NINJAS: Ha! We are the Hand! ELEKTRA: Two guys? Two ****ing guys? That's the best that the root of all evil in the entire world can send? NINJAS: Well... we brought guns... that shoot DARTS! MARK: So why can't ninjas just use bullets? ELEKTRA: Because it's just... not... as... cool! * ELEKTRA: So, do we ever explain why the Hand turns into green smoke when they die? NINJA: No, not really. ELEKTRA: I guess these generic thugs just dust when they're killed for no reason. SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR: Oh, you ****ing *****. * MARK: Elektra, you need to halt your successful independent career immediately and form a family unit with me, which you will then need to protect from foreigners, lesbians, and black men. ELEKTRA: Damn, your subtext is scaring the **** out of me. MARK: Moreso when you consider that you're supposed to be Greek. * KIRIGI: Alright, this is my posse and we're totally gonna kill the **** out of Elektra and the Millars! SHANG TSUNG: Sounds like a plan. RANDOM GUY: Your posse are an abomination! KIRIGI: Quit hasslin' me, man! RANDOM GUY: Back off! KIRIGI: Make me! * STONE: I am nigh-invulnerable... my one weakness is having a tree dropped on me, but what are the odds... TYPHOID MARY: I can kill things by kissing them... or touching them... or looking at them funny... my powers are never really explained. I'm really Typhoid Mary In Name Only. TATTOO: I can summon up animals from any of the tattoos on my body. TYPHOID MARY: So what's with the tattoo of a gerbil on your... TATTOO: Damnit, that's a secret! FOURTH GUY: I'm just some guy who tags along and chips in for pizza. SHANG TSUNG: You've assembled a crack team, son. KIRIGI: I love you man! SHANG TSUNG: You're not getting my Bud Light. * TYPHOID MARY: I used to be the Treasure, yet I'm killed with ridiculous ease. Thus, the McGuffin we're fighting for is worthless. KIRIGI: I know, it makes no sense. But hey, I can teleport for some reason. TYPHOID MARY: So, are we sleeping together or something? KIRIGI: Hell if I know. How do we get out of this chicken**** outfit? * GENERAL ZOD: So, the movie's not going to explain how I can play pool even thought I'm blind? Umm... okay. ELEKTRA: Help me, Stick. You're my only hope. Help me, Stick. You're my only hope. GENERAL ZOD: I'm gonna say no, but I'm gonna take a while to do it, while insulting you, because I'm JUST. THAT. COOL. ELEKTRA: So you're willing to let the Treasure be put in danger just to prove a point? GENERAL ZOD: Haven't you been paying attention to Typhoid Mary? The Treasure's worthless. ELEKTRA: Come to think of it, if Typhoid Mary was a Treasure that all the Hand wanted to get, why was she called an abomination? GENERAL ZOD: Hell if I know. ELEKTRA: That is whack. * ELEKTRA: Abby, you're part of a long line of female superhumans, meant to fight evil. SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR: Oh, you ****ing... wait, wasn't I here already? ELIZA DUSHKU: Allow me. Oh, you ****ing *****. SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR: Thanks. ELIZA DUSHKU: No prob. * ELEKTRA: McCabe, I need your... wait, for an empowered womyn, I sure do spend a lot of time going around begging men for help. McCABE: I'm going to point a gun at myself, because I'm an idiot and the writer knows absolutely nothing about gun safety. Or seen Pulp Fiction, for that matter. * ABBY: So, you wanna bond for cheap sentimentality? ELEKTRA: A precocious thirteen-year-old girl and a hardened assassin... why, we're the original odd couple! ABBY: Who wouldn't want to see us in many profitable movies as we teach each other hard lessons about life, the universe, and kung-fu? * SHANG TSUNG: I'm so Ronery / So ronery / So ronery and sadry arone / There's no one / Just me onry / Sitting on my rittle throne / I work very hard to be number one guy / but, stiwr there's no one to right up my rife / Seems rike no one takes me serirousry / And so, I'm ronery / A rittle ronery / Poor rittle me / There's no one I can rerate to / Feewr rike a biwd in a cage / It's kinda siwry / but, not reawry / because, it's fiwring my body with rage / I'm the smartest, most crever, most physicawry fit / but, none of the women seem to give a **** / Maybe someday, they'wr awr notice me / And untiwr then, I'wr be ronery / Yeah, a rittle ronery / Poor rittle me... * ABBY: Elektra, I want to be trained to be an assassin. ELEKTRA: Alright, Abby, work hard and you could be... The Professional. JEAN RENO: Oh, you ****ing *****. * MARK: So, a man and a woman on the run stop to rest and recuperate, during which they admit their feelings for each other and make love? ELEKTRA: Such a cliché. There couldn't be a more hamfisted way to force two characters into a sexual relationship. DR. PHLOX: Alright, you two, I want to see some good neuropressure... in the interests of good health, of course. ELEKTRA: I stand corrected. * ELEKTRA: Oh no! The Hand is attacking. McCABE: Don't worry, I'll sacrifice myself to save you people who I've never met. ELEKTRA: Wait, you arrange murders for hire! Seriously, why are you such a nice guy? McCABE: Because I love you, Elektra. I always have and I always will. ELEKTRA: McCabe, I never... (sniff) McCABE: Go! Just go! KIRIGI: Where's Elektra? McCABE: I want twenty thousand dollars and you get her head on a platter. KIRIGI: Done. McCABE: No comeuppance! ME: Wait, that's the way it SHOULD have happened. * McCABE: If you strike me down, I shall return more powerful than you can possibly imagine. KIRIGI: A Star Wars reference. Let me counter with a Highlander reference. SLICE! McCABE: That was no reference, you just decapitated... oh, now I got ya. * STONE: Now it's time to die! ELEKTRA: I don't think so. AUDIENCE: Alright! This is gonna be good! ELEKTRA: Stone, watch out for that tree! Watch out for that... STONE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ELEKTRA: Tree. * ROB BOWMAN: Hmmm, audiences just aren't interested in our movie? What could do it? TYPHOID MARY: I could kiss Elektra. ROB BOWMAN: Good! But do it in a totally unerotic context! * GENERAL ZOD: Here I come to save the day! KIRIGI: Man, you ninjas dressed entirely in black are doing a great job of blending into this forest. GENERAL ZOD: Thank you. * ELEKTRA: Well, here we are, back at ninja base camp. I guess we've won, as now the Treasure can be trained to take care of herself and Mark can be protected by the... what the hell do we call ourselves, anyway? GENERAL ZOD: Hell if I know. * TATTOO: Hey, look, I've found out where the ninja base camp is! You think this would be a plot point, but it's really left hanging. * ELEKTRA: I'm gonna instant-message Kirigi on the ninja-net. Fight 2 tha death 4 Abby K thx. KIRIGI: LOL. * AUDIENCE: Wait a minute, Kirigi doesn't have the authority to do that! In fact, what behavior has the Hand shown to prove themselves to be so honorable? ELEKTRA: Look, I'm back in my lingerie outfit again! AUDIENCE: Droooooooool... * TATTOO: Alright, Elektra, time for us to throw down! Oh no, a banana peel! I slipped and broke my neck! Gak! ELEKTRA: That's slightly less embarrassing than what REALLY happened. * KIRIGI: Time to die, Elektra. Oh, and I killed your mother. ELEKTRA: What an utterly pedantic and pointless plot twist. KIRIGI: What do you expect, we're a spin-off from Daredevil! * ELEKTRA: Well, I've killed Kirigi. I don't need to be a ninja anymore. I'm throwing my sai away. TYPHOID MARY: Gak! ELEKTRA: Oops. * ABBY: I died or something. So, for thematic similarity, you'd better bring me back to life. ELEKTRA: Oh. Okay. * ELEKTRA: So, Stick, come to see me off as I go back to Alias? GENERAL ZOD: No, but I finish filming in five minutes, then this paycheck is going straight up my nose. ELEKTRA: Oh. Alright. GENERAL ZOD: So, wanna kneel before Zod, babe? ELEKTRA: No, I'm just going to walk off into the sunset. Because the hero never gets the girl, or vice versi, in the first film of a superhero franchise. ABBY: Goodbye, Elektra! We'll always remember your cheap exploitation lesbianism and ripping off of far, far better movies! Goodbye! Goodbye! * AUDIENCE: That sucked! ROB BOWMAN: It's not my fault! The studio made me edit the movie down to a PG-13! AUDIENCE: And who could have seen that one coming? Ass.